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all right so it's Christmas time 2022
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and I'm doing my absolute best to
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conceal the sheer anxiety that I'm
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feeling right now I'm sitting around
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this big table sharing Christmas dinner
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with my ex-girlfriend's family there
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probably around 20 people here that I've
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never met before in my life and I am
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freaking out now the reason I'm freaking
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out isn't just because I'm meeting all
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of them for the first time and I really
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want them to like me the main reason is
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that most of the people at this table
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don't even speak English see I'm
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visiting her family out in Switzerland
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none of them grew up speaking English I
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didn't try very hard in French class so
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I have no way to communicate with any of
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them or I'm entirely dependent on my ex
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to speak on my behalf I don't really
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have a way of making a good impression
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on them or showing them who I am or
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convincing them that I'm deserving of
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their daughter or
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whatever and I am feeling so awkward and
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uncomfortable because you know everyone
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here is friendly they're nice to me but
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when you can't even have a basic
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conversation with someone there's not a
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lot you can do
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and my girlfriend's just going off to
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speak to her cousin she's leaving me on
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her own I'm just sat there inside
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silence not really feeling
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included and I'm having to take breaks
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to the bathroom just to you know calm
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myself down because I'm feeling that
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self-conscious like I just don't belong
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there and I leave feeling like I've
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completely fumbled the whole thing like
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they all think I'm some awkward guy or
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they're negatively judging me for not
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learning any french before I came out
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like I couldn't even be
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bothered and the flashbacks of this
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painful experience and just haunting me
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all the way home on my trip back to the
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UK and it's only on the ride back from
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the airport the taxi ride that I start
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to notice an interesting side effect of
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this whole
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experience so I'm speaking to this Taxi
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Driver sitting next to me we've got a
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long ride ahead of us and for some
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reason I've got this new appreciation
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for conversation it's like you wouldn't
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have been able to shut me up in that
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moment I was just talking and talking
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and talking me and this guy like we
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started getting into these really deep
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chats about philosophy and politics like
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we became best friends over that entire
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right and the main reason I found that
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interesting was because you know
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generally I might have a little bit of
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anxiety about speaking to this guy for
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that long you know I might be feeling a
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little bit awkward or I'd come across as
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friendly but that particular day I
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turned into the most charismatic person
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on Earth I had an unlimited amount of
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things to talk about with this guy and I
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didn't feel anxious whatsoever in that
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moment and you know this actually lasted
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for probably the next 4 days after
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coming back from that trip my anxiety
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was at an all-time low I'd be in the gym
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just making so many new friends that
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week like I felt so comfortable talking
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to strangers and people I didn't know
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like like I said I just felt like I was
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my most charismatic self after this trip
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and the reason I'm telling you this is
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because those two events are actually
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connected that really awkward
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uncomfortable dinner actually proved to
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me that social anxiety functions a
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little bit like a muscle it is actually
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something that you can train to feel
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better about so what I found is that
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after you put yourself through socially
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challenging situations like the one that
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I went through things that really Peak
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your anxiety and they real test to go
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through after you get through that you
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actually experience something which I
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call the Afterglow effect where for a
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temporary period of time let's say about
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4 days you'll feel less anxious and more
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charismatic in comparable social
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situations so things that might have
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caused you anxiety before they no longer
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affect you as much so it's kind of like
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the gym when you start off with a very
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heavy set for your first set so let's
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say you bench 100 kg for your first set
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and it's heavy it's challenging it's
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uncomfortable but you get through it and
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for your next set you drop the weight to
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around 80 kg so it's still a challenging
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weight but because you've benched that
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heavier weight first it feels so much
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lighter in comparison it feels so much
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easier
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when technically speaking it is still a
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challenging weight but it no longer
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feels like as much of a challenge
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because you did that hard weight first
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so in the same way if you push through
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that socially challenging experience
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even when it's uncomfortable and you're
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anxious and you don't want to be there
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you will have the Afterglow effect on
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the other side of it you will experience
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that temporary boost in Charisma and
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reduction in anxiety
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because you could be bothered to do the
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hard thing but the catch is you can only
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sustain that Afterglow for a couple of
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days before you have to do another
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challenging thing to get that boost
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again so the most important thing we can
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do is keep on pushing ourselves to train
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that muscle to become more comfortable
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with the uncomfortable but I'm going to
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give you one of my best ever Frameworks
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which is honestly going to make it super
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easy to get through those socially
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challenging situations to to the
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Afterglow to reach that most charismatic
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version of yourself without having all
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of that anxiety along the way like I was
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experiencing at that dinner so this is
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my social flow framework and it is
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designed to take you from that most
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antisocial version of yourself maybe
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you've been sitting inside all day not
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talking to anyone to the most confident
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anxiety free charismatic version of you
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in five steps so this is really
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practical she use this every every time
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you need to get into a more social mood
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maybe you're going to a party or on a
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night out you're meeting a bunch of
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friends so step one just start talking
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to yourself out loud find any reason you
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can to just start talking to yourself so
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you could start doing this before you've
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left the house or maybe you're walking
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to the venue what I'll do is I'll
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literally just describe the week I've
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been having up to that point I'll just
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start talking out loud or you know if
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you're in a public place and you don't
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feel comfortable doing it sometimes I
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will just pull out my phone and have a
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fake phone conversation or pretend I'm
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talking to someone you know just so it
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doesn't look as weird but again yeah
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this might sound like something kind of
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kind of strange or you know what is this
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even doing but especially when you've
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been inside all day and not really been
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socializing just hearing the sound of
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your own voice it really grounds you it
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br brings you out into the present
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moment and when you're not present when
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you're stuck in your own head that's
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when you're having the most anxious
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thoughts so really what this is going to
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do is just bring you out of your head
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and back into the present so step two is
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to force your first interaction with a
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stranger again just like step one we
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just want to find any reason we can to
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begin that process of being social
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literally come up with any reason you
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can like it could be asking a stranger
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for directions to a place you're not
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actually trying to go to or something I
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like to do is I'll just go in the shop
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and you know buy something small like a
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like a um piece of gum and I'll force
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myself to ask the shopkeeper one
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question how was your day going had any
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interesting customers today again just
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getting that first win forcing yourself
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out of your head and into that more
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social frame of mind so step three
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the best mindset I think for socializing
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and probably the most fun mindset as
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well is that of giving of giving value
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way of spreading positivity to someone
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else that is the best frame of mind for
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socializing and you know having fun
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conversation so step three is to give a
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sincere genuine compliment to the first
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person you see don't even think about it
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too much just go up to a stranger and
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give him a compliment
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you know one that's very obvious to me
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and you know it's kind of it's kind of
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risk ofers as well it's not going to get
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you in any trouble it's just
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complimenting their outfit or an item
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that they're wearing because especially
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if it's on a night out or something you
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know people put in lots of effort into
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their appearance and they want that
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validation but rarely the people
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actually show it to them so go and give
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them a sincere compliment on their shoes
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or their jacket just their outfit and
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try your best to spread that positive
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energy and make them feel good so step
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three is just rinsing and repeating step
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four go and give five more compliments
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to five more strangers keep that
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positive energy flowing and also go in
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with the mindset that actually this
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might lead to a fun conversation you
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know don't just give the compliment and
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immediately exit allow it to turn into
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something you know if it goes in the
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direction of a fun conversation then see
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it out because it's only helping you
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warm up and get out of your head even
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more and if you've done that enough you
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know given out enough compliments and
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trust me you will know when you've
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reached this point then that's when
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we've arrived at step five and step five
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isn't really a step I don't know why I
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called it that but hopefully this is you
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at your most socially outgoing you know
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you're really comfortable Where You Are
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you've achieved this Elite level of
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presence in all your
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conversations you're not super
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self-conscious anymore you're just here
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and in the moment having fun
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conversations and this kind of energy
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you tap into it at step five or level
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five I'd almost describe this as the
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same level of comfort and confidence you
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get when you're drunk you know you're
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very comfortable just speaking to a
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bunch of people you don't know you're
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able to be quite loud and extroverted
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even when you're more of an introverted
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kind of guy like me and you just have
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like an unlimited amount of things to
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talk about because conversations are
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genuinely that fun that is the idea that
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I'm trying to sell to you like this is
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the ideal endpoint for social skills
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like everything just feels so fun and
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entertaining and you know like you
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absolutely can't get enough of
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conversation itself and if you can get
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to that point then you'll be riding the
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after and glow that I was talking about
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for like the next four days the next
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four days are going to be exactly like
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this you're just going to feel at your
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absolute aame in terms of socializing
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you know your most charismatic self so
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why would you not want to achieve that
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why would you not want that to be your
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default setting for social skills so
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follow that framework from beginning to
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end and you know the sky is the absolute
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limit my friends for what you can
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achieve
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take care bro I'll see you in the next
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one
