Think Faster, Talk Smarter with Matt Abrahams

00:44:11
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6TsR3y5Qfg

Resumo

TLDRThis talk discusses methods for improving spontaneous speaking capabilities, specifically in challenging situations like introductions and small talk. It highlights how many people struggle with anxiety in these moments and presents a six-step methodology focused on mindset and messaging. Key points include managing anxiety through breathing techniques, embracing mediocrity to alleviate pressure, leveraging listening skills to respond appropriately, and structuring messages effectively. Tools for reframing mistakes and staying focused during communication are emphasized, along with the importance of practice and reflection in becoming a better speaker. Resources such as a podcast and a book on communication skills are also shared.

Conclusões

  • 🙌 Practice helps improve spontaneous speaking skills.
  • 💡 Managing anxiety is crucial when speaking in the moment.
  • ✍️ Embrace mediocrity to alleviate pressure on yourself.
  • 👂 Deep listening can lead to better responses.
  • 📏 Structure your messages for clarity and impact.
  • ✨ View mistakes as opportunities for learning.
  • 📣 Set clear goals: what to inform, how to feel, and what to do.
  • 🔄 Reflection post-communication is key to improvement.
  • 📅 Utilize resources like books and podcasts for ongoing learning.
  • 🤝 Seek feedback to continuously enhance communication abilities.

Linha do tempo

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The speaker addresses the common difficulties many people face when introducing themselves and making small talk, emphasizing the importance of communicating effectively in spontaneous situations. They introduce a methodology designed to help improve speaking skills, particularly in high-pressure environments like job interviews or classroom settings.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    The speaker discusses the challenges and physiological symptoms associated with anxiety when speaking in spontaneous situations. They share personal experiences and encourage the audience to recognize and manage their anxiety through various techniques, specifically emphasizing the importance of breathing exercises.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    The speaker engages the audience in an activity to illustrate how people often miss small details that can significantly affect their communication. They then introduce a six-step methodology broken into categories of mindset and messaging, starting with strategies to manage anxiety during spontaneous speaking.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    The second step involves overcoming self-judgment and allowing oneself to be mediocre in a spontaneous speaking situation to create more cognitive bandwidth for effective communication. The speaker emphasizes the need for permission to express oneself without the pressure of being perfect.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:25:00

    The third step involves viewing spontaneous speaking opportunities as gifts rather than threats. The speaker encourages a positive mindset and introduces tools from improv and growth mindset theory to reframe negative thoughts about speaking challenges to foster learning and improvement.

  • 00:25:00 - 00:30:00

    The speaker highlights the importance of active listening, advocating for deep listening to truly understand others' needs during spontaneous communication. They provide strategies for improving listening skills to ensure responses are relevant and supportive.

  • 00:30:00 - 00:35:00

    The fifth step of the methodology focuses on the structure of messages. The speaker introduces various structures for organizing thoughts clearly and concisely when responding spontaneously, aiming to maintain the audience's attention and effectively convey information.

  • 00:35:00 - 00:44:11

    The final step emphasizes focusing on key messages and maintaining clarity during spontaneous speaking. The speaker provides practical examples of how to structure responses and practice clear communication, reinforcing the significance of repetition, reflection, and feedback in improving these skills.

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Vídeo de perguntas e respostas

  • Why is speaking in the moment challenging for many people?

    Speaking in the moment can be awkward and uncomfortable due to anxiety and pressure to respond quickly.

  • What is the six-step methodology mentioned?

    The methodology involves steps on managing anxiety, maximizing mediocrity, viewing interactions as opportunities, and effective listening and messaging.

  • How can one manage symptoms of anxiety before speaking?

    Taking deep belly breaths and drinking warm water can help manage anxiety symptoms.

  • What does 'maximize mediocrity' mean in the context of spontaneous speaking?

    It refers to allowing oneself to respond without overthinking, thereby improving overall communication.

  • What is the importance of structure in messaging?

    Structure helps orient the audience, connect ideas, and make messages memorable.

  • What is the role of listening in effective communication?

    Deep listening enables better understanding and more relevant and impactful responses.

  • How can one stay focused while speaking spontaneously?

    Identify the core message and desired outcomes to keep communication concise and relevant.

  • What are the suggested tools for reframing mistakes?

    View mistakes as 'missed takes', allowing for reflection and improvement.

  • What are some resources for improving communication skills?

    Podcasts, books, and reflection on past communication experiences are recommended.

  • How can someone practice and improve their spontaneous speaking ability?

    Through repetition, reflection, and feedback from peers or mentors.

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Rolagem automática:
  • 00:00:01
    raise your hand if you have recently had
  • 00:00:04
    to introduce yourself or make small talk
  • 00:00:07
    yes that is what today is all about how
  • 00:00:11
    to speak better in the moment my hunch
  • 00:00:15
    is for many of you introducing
  • 00:00:18
    yourselves and making small talk at some
  • 00:00:21
    points was challenging it's awkward it
  • 00:00:23
    can be uncomfortable so today I want to
  • 00:00:26
    talk about how we can think faster and
  • 00:00:28
    talk smarter in those moments where
  • 00:00:30
    we're put on the spot to think and act
  • 00:00:35
    quickly we all know that speaking in
  • 00:00:39
    planned
  • 00:00:40
    situations presentations pitches
  • 00:00:43
    meetings with agendas can be hard but it
  • 00:00:46
    can be much harder to speak in the
  • 00:00:49
    moment and if you think about it most of
  • 00:00:52
    our communication happens in the moment
  • 00:00:56
    it's things like making a toast
  • 00:00:58
    answering questions giving feedback
  • 00:01:01
    introducing yourself answering questions
  • 00:01:04
    these are the things that can be very
  • 00:01:05
    challenging for us so today I'd like to
  • 00:01:08
    walk you through a methodology that I
  • 00:01:10
    developed in service of needs of our
  • 00:01:13
    students here at
  • 00:01:14
    Stanford many years ago the Deans came
  • 00:01:17
    to me and said we have a problem the
  • 00:01:19
    problem is this our very bright Stanford
  • 00:01:21
    MBA students are struggling to answer
  • 00:01:24
    those cold call questions from their
  • 00:01:26
    professors you remember back here when
  • 00:01:28
    people would say what do you think and
  • 00:01:29
    you had to respond
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    so I did a deep dive into research in
  • 00:01:34
    Psychology anthropology sociology
  • 00:01:37
    improvization neuroscience and came up
  • 00:01:40
    with a methodology now that all Stanford
  • 00:01:42
    mbas within the first three weeks of
  • 00:01:44
    their time here have an opportunity to
  • 00:01:46
    take and it turns out it helps them feel
  • 00:01:49
    more comfortable and confident not just
  • 00:01:51
    answering questions but in standing up
  • 00:01:54
    in class and giving a position and many
  • 00:01:56
    other situations that they find
  • 00:01:58
    themselves in when they leave here
  • 00:01:59
    interviewing for jobs giving feedback to
  • 00:02:01
    employees Etc so today is going to be
  • 00:02:05
    not just listening to me but it's going
  • 00:02:07
    to be
  • 00:02:08
    participative and we're going to start
  • 00:02:10
    it's not hard some of you looking at
  • 00:02:12
    each other going oh no what's he going
  • 00:02:13
    to make me do pretty simple I'd like you
  • 00:02:15
    all to read this sentence and what's
  • 00:02:18
    more important to me than the meaning of
  • 00:02:20
    the sentence is I'd like for you to
  • 00:02:22
    count the number of FS the letter F how
  • 00:02:25
    many FS do you find I'll give you three
  • 00:02:27
    or four seconds to do it keep the answer
  • 00:02:29
    quiet to yourself how many
  • 00:02:33
    FS I wish my MBA students were as quiet
  • 00:02:36
    and thoughtful as you are right
  • 00:02:41
    now all
  • 00:02:43
    right all right raise your hand if you
  • 00:02:45
    found three FS how many found three
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    excellent very good anybody find four ah
  • 00:02:50
    anybody found five how about six there
  • 00:02:53
    are six FS what two-letter word ending
  • 00:02:57
    in f did many of us
  • 00:03:01
    Miss so why do I do this activity I have
  • 00:03:04
    done this in every Workshop every
  • 00:03:06
    keynote I ever deliver
  • 00:03:08
    why because this is an exact analogy of
  • 00:03:12
    what we're going to be doing here today
  • 00:03:14
    many of us miss little things that make
  • 00:03:16
    a big difference in our
  • 00:03:18
    communication now the other reason I do
  • 00:03:20
    this is 14 years ago when I first saw
  • 00:03:22
    this I found three I felt really stupid
  • 00:03:24
    and I like to pass that
  • 00:03:26
    that's so we're going to identify little
  • 00:03:28
    things that make a big difference
  • 00:03:29
    difference to make us more effective in
  • 00:03:31
    our spontaneous speaking so I want to
  • 00:03:34
    introduce you to a six-step methodology
  • 00:03:37
    that we can use to become better at
  • 00:03:39
    speaking in the moment and the six steps
  • 00:03:42
    divide into two categories mindset and
  • 00:03:46
    messaging the first step has to do with
  • 00:03:48
    managing anxiety taming the anxiety
  • 00:03:51
    Beast most people get nervous speaking
  • 00:03:56
    in spontaneous situations in fact most
  • 00:03:58
    people get nervous speaking in any high
  • 00:03:59
    stake situation we have some research
  • 00:04:02
    that says upwards of 85% of people feel
  • 00:04:05
    nervous in high stake situations and I
  • 00:04:07
    think the other 15% are lying so let me
  • 00:04:10
    ask you this how do you feel when you
  • 00:04:13
    watch a nervous speaker present now I
  • 00:04:16
    know a few of you probably like watching
  • 00:04:17
    people suffer but most of us don't how
  • 00:04:20
    does it feel just shut out how do how do
  • 00:04:22
    you feel when you see a nervous speaker
  • 00:04:24
    present okay so
  • 00:04:26
    uncomfortable empathetic and I heard
  • 00:04:29
    some people say I actually feel an
  • 00:04:30
    anxious myself I call that secondhand
  • 00:04:33
    anxiety so if for no other reason we
  • 00:04:36
    should learn to manage our anxiety so
  • 00:04:37
    our audience can focus on us and not be
  • 00:04:40
    distracted so when it comes to managing
  • 00:04:43
    anxiety we have to take a two-pronged
  • 00:04:45
    approach we have to manage both symptoms
  • 00:04:46
    and
  • 00:04:47
    sources symptoms are the things that we
  • 00:04:49
    physiologically experience what goes on
  • 00:04:52
    in our body and sources are the things
  • 00:04:55
    that initiate or exacerbate that
  • 00:04:58
    anxiety so I'd like i' like to hear from
  • 00:05:00
    some of you what happens for you when
  • 00:05:02
    you get nervous when you're put on the
  • 00:05:04
    spot I'll start I blush and I perspire
  • 00:05:07
    what happens for some of you my mouth
  • 00:05:10
    goes mouth goes dry I call this Plumbing
  • 00:05:12
    reversal what's normally dry gets wet
  • 00:05:14
    and what's normally wet gets dry so you
  • 00:05:15
    get sweaty Palms but dry mouth really
  • 00:05:17
    weird right what else happens my brain
  • 00:05:21
    goes yeah you freeze you can't remember
  • 00:05:23
    what to say what else happens please
  • 00:05:26
    heart yeah you feel your heart pounding
  • 00:05:29
    right some of us get shaky these are
  • 00:05:31
    normal and natural responses to
  • 00:05:35
    anxiety your body sees speaking in the
  • 00:05:38
    moment as being under threat and it
  • 00:05:41
    invokes the fight ORF flight response
  • 00:05:43
    and these are normal and natural
  • 00:05:44
    responses but there are things we can do
  • 00:05:47
    to address these now allow me to share a
  • 00:05:50
    few with you the first and best thing
  • 00:05:52
    you can probably do is to take a deep
  • 00:05:55
    belly breath the kind of breath you
  • 00:05:57
    would take if you've ever done yoga or
  • 00:05:59
    or taii or chiong a deep belly breath
  • 00:06:02
    and what's interesting is it's the
  • 00:06:04
    exhale that's more important than the
  • 00:06:07
    inhale so my rule of thumb or shall I
  • 00:06:10
    say my rule of lung is you want your
  • 00:06:12
    exhale to be twice as long as your
  • 00:06:15
    inhale and if you take two or three of
  • 00:06:17
    these deep belly breaths you'll actually
  • 00:06:20
    reduce the rapid heart rate the rapid
  • 00:06:22
    breathing that causes you to speak
  • 00:06:24
    faster and you'll feel calmer so before
  • 00:06:27
    you walk into a room where you think you
  • 00:06:29
    might be asked for feedback or you know
  • 00:06:31
    questions are coming or before you
  • 00:06:34
    unmute on that Zoom take this deep belly
  • 00:06:37
    breath and it will
  • 00:06:38
    help now if you get dry mouth and you
  • 00:06:41
    know you're going into a situation where
  • 00:06:43
    you might have to speak in the moment
  • 00:06:45
    drink some warm water suck on a Loz or
  • 00:06:48
    chew some gum obviously you don't want
  • 00:06:50
    to do that while you're in the midst of
  • 00:06:52
    speaking but that will help reactivate
  • 00:06:54
    those salivary glands if you're like me
  • 00:06:57
    and you blush and you perspire hold
  • 00:06:59
    something cold in the palms of your hand
  • 00:07:02
    the palms of your hand are Thermo
  • 00:07:04
    Regulators for your body just like your
  • 00:07:06
    forehead or the back of your neck if
  • 00:07:07
    you've ever had a fever and you put a
  • 00:07:09
    cold compress on your head to cool down
  • 00:07:12
    because your heart rate is going up
  • 00:07:13
    because your body tenses when you're
  • 00:07:15
    stressed you have more blood going
  • 00:07:17
    through tighter tubes your blood
  • 00:07:18
    pressure goes up and that causes you to
  • 00:07:20
    get hotter it's like you're
  • 00:07:22
    exercising so we can reduce the sweating
  • 00:07:26
    and the blushing by cooling ourselves
  • 00:07:28
    down in fact before I start Ed speaking
  • 00:07:29
    today I was holding a cold bottle of
  • 00:07:31
    water to help so these are some of the
  • 00:07:34
    things we can do to manage our symtoms
  • 00:07:37
    of anxiety if I didn't talk about a
  • 00:07:40
    symptom you have there are resources
  • 00:07:43
    I'll share at the end of the talk that
  • 00:07:44
    can help you find ways to manage your
  • 00:07:48
    anxiety now there's another side too we
  • 00:07:50
    have to think about sources sources are
  • 00:07:52
    the things that initiate or exacerbate
  • 00:07:54
    our anxiety there are many let me talk
  • 00:07:56
    about
  • 00:07:57
    one many of us are made nervous by the
  • 00:08:00
    goal of what we're trying to achieve
  • 00:08:01
    when we
  • 00:08:02
    communicate my students want to get a
  • 00:08:05
    good grade the entrepreneurs I coach
  • 00:08:08
    want to get funding you might want to
  • 00:08:10
    get a new job or you might want to get
  • 00:08:12
    your project supported so what makes you
  • 00:08:14
    nervous is the fact that you might not
  • 00:08:16
    achieve that goal in other words what's
  • 00:08:19
    making you nervous is a potential
  • 00:08:21
    negative future
  • 00:08:23
    outcome so how do we short circuit that
  • 00:08:26
    we become very present oriented because
  • 00:08:28
    if you're in the moment
  • 00:08:30
    by definition you're not worried about
  • 00:08:31
    the future so how do we get present
  • 00:08:33
    oriented one way is to do something
  • 00:08:35
    physical walk around the building before
  • 00:08:38
    you go in for that job interview another
  • 00:08:41
    way is to listen to a song or a playlist
  • 00:08:44
    just like athletes do you can do what I
  • 00:08:47
    do I get present oriented by talking to
  • 00:08:48
    people before I got up here on stage I
  • 00:08:50
    was talking with many of you that helps
  • 00:08:52
    me get present oriented I can't engage
  • 00:08:54
    in a conversation and be thinking about
  • 00:08:56
    what might go wrong in my presentation
  • 00:08:58
    or Q&A
  • 00:09:00
    session start at 100 and count backwards
  • 00:09:03
    by
  • 00:09:05
    17s that'll get you present oriented I
  • 00:09:08
    know I'm in front of a crowd that's
  • 00:09:09
    trying the first one's easy 83 the next
  • 00:09:12
    one's hard my favorite way to get
  • 00:09:14
    present oriented is to say tongue
  • 00:09:17
    twisters you can't say a tongue twister
  • 00:09:19
    right and not be in the present moment
  • 00:09:22
    some of you are going uhoh that's right
  • 00:09:24
    I'm going to ask you to say my favorite
  • 00:09:25
    tongue twister I said this tongue
  • 00:09:28
    twister right before I walked out here
  • 00:09:30
    it warms me up and it gets me present
  • 00:09:32
    oriented many of us assume that we can
  • 00:09:34
    just go from Silence to Brilliance
  • 00:09:36
    without warming up our voices but you
  • 00:09:39
    know if you've ever played a sport or
  • 00:09:40
    exercised or played a musical instrument
  • 00:09:42
    you should warm up
  • 00:09:44
    first so let's try it my favorite tongue
  • 00:09:47
    twister takes 5 Seconds to say has three
  • 00:09:49
    phrases and if you say one of the
  • 00:09:51
    phrases wrong you'll say a naughty word
  • 00:09:53
    so I'm listening to here okay let's try
  • 00:09:56
    it repeat after me I slit a sheet
  • 00:09:59
    SL she a sheet I slit a she I slit and
  • 00:10:03
    on that slitted sheet I
  • 00:10:09
    sit excellent nobody said that naughty
  • 00:10:12
    word and I'm sure you all know what it
  • 00:10:13
    is so by managing our anxiety both
  • 00:10:16
    symptoms and sources we prepare
  • 00:10:18
    ourselves to be better when we speak in
  • 00:10:20
    the
  • 00:10:21
    moment the second step in our process
  • 00:10:25
    has to do with maximizing
  • 00:10:28
    mediocrity we get in our own way I have
  • 00:10:32
    the audacity in front of my Stanford MBA
  • 00:10:35
    students on the first day of class to
  • 00:10:38
    say maximize
  • 00:10:41
    mediocrity their jaws drop they've never
  • 00:10:44
    been told to be
  • 00:10:46
    mediocre but why do I recommend this it
  • 00:10:50
    boils down to this we are the biggest
  • 00:10:53
    impediment to our ability to speak
  • 00:10:55
    spontaneously in the moment we get in
  • 00:10:58
    our own way and we do it through all the
  • 00:11:00
    judging and evaluating that we do of the
  • 00:11:03
    material that we're thinking about
  • 00:11:05
    saying we get in our head here's why
  • 00:11:08
    this is problematic think of your brain
  • 00:11:11
    as a computer this is not a Perfect
  • 00:11:13
    Analogy but for this point it works you
  • 00:11:15
    know on your laptops or your phones when
  • 00:11:17
    you have a lot of apps and windows open
  • 00:11:20
    how the performance of each one of those
  • 00:11:22
    is a little less good because the others
  • 00:11:24
    are
  • 00:11:25
    open that's because the bandwidth is
  • 00:11:28
    less the same is true with your brain
  • 00:11:32
    when I am evaluating and judging
  • 00:11:34
    everything I'm saying as I'm saying it I
  • 00:11:36
    have less cognitive bandwidth to focus
  • 00:11:39
    on what I'm actually saying so when we
  • 00:11:42
    are evaluating ourselves as we're
  • 00:11:44
    speaking we're doing ourselves a
  • 00:11:46
    disservice now be very clear I am not
  • 00:11:48
    saying you should never judge or
  • 00:11:50
    evaluate your speaking you should but we
  • 00:11:52
    can turn the volume down a little bit to
  • 00:11:55
    give us more resources so we can be more
  • 00:11:57
    present and be more effective in what
  • 00:12:00
    we're saying so the true sentence that I
  • 00:12:03
    tell my students at the end I start with
  • 00:12:06
    maximize mediocrity and then I end the
  • 00:12:08
    class by saying maximize mediocrity so
  • 00:12:10
    you can achieve greatness if you give
  • 00:12:13
    yourself permission just to answer the
  • 00:12:15
    question just to give the feedback just
  • 00:12:18
    to have the small talk then you put
  • 00:12:21
    yourself in a position to do it very
  • 00:12:23
    well but when I say to myself I have to
  • 00:12:25
    give the right answer the best feedback
  • 00:12:28
    I need to be the most interesting in
  • 00:12:30
    small talk it reduces the likelihood
  • 00:12:32
    that you'll do those well so Step One is
  • 00:12:34
    manage anxiety step two is turn down
  • 00:12:37
    that volume on that mental observation
  • 00:12:39
    and evaluation we're doing and that puts
  • 00:12:41
    you in a position to be more present and
  • 00:12:44
    more
  • 00:12:45
    engaged the third step of the
  • 00:12:48
    methodology has to do with the fact that
  • 00:12:50
    many of us see speaking in the moment
  • 00:12:54
    and in general as threatening and
  • 00:12:57
    challenging if I were to tell any of you
  • 00:13:00
    at the end of the meeting you're running
  • 00:13:01
    that you're going to get some questions
  • 00:13:03
    from your audience many of you aren't
  • 00:13:05
    like oh that's great I can't wait you
  • 00:13:08
    say oh no I better do a good job I'm
  • 00:13:11
    afraid they're going to see what I said
  • 00:13:12
    is wrong they're going to challenge me
  • 00:13:13
    many of us see these situations as
  • 00:13:15
    threatening and
  • 00:13:16
    challenging and when we do so it impacts
  • 00:13:18
    not just what we say but how we say it
  • 00:13:21
    we tend to retreat we make ourselves
  • 00:13:23
    small our answers are Curt our tone is
  • 00:13:26
    Harsh because we feel we have to defend
  • 00:13:29
    there's another way to approach this and
  • 00:13:32
    before I share with you that way and
  • 00:13:34
    give you some tools I want you to
  • 00:13:36
    actually have an experience of it so I'm
  • 00:13:38
    going to ask you to play a very simple
  • 00:13:41
    improvisation game with me it's called
  • 00:13:44
    give a
  • 00:13:46
    gift all of us in our lives have had the
  • 00:13:49
    experience of giving a gift and getting
  • 00:13:50
    a gift so you know how to play this game
  • 00:13:52
    but we're going to practice I'd like
  • 00:13:53
    everybody to take out an imaginary box
  • 00:13:55
    will you do this with me please here's
  • 00:13:56
    your imaginary box on the count of three
  • 00:13:58
    I'd like you to just practice giving it
  • 00:13:59
    and then give to give the gift you just
  • 00:14:01
    extend your arms everybody ready 1 2 3
  • 00:14:02
    give a gift perfect very good now when
  • 00:14:04
    you receive a gift you do it in reverse
  • 00:14:06
    ready 1 two three you've received a gift
  • 00:14:08
    perfect so here's what we're going to do
  • 00:14:10
    in a moment I'm going to ask you to find
  • 00:14:11
    somebody sitting near you you're simply
  • 00:14:13
    going to introduce yourself if you don't
  • 00:14:15
    know and you're going to play the give a
  • 00:14:16
    gift game one of you will give a gift to
  • 00:14:19
    your partner your partner will take the
  • 00:14:21
    imaginary gift open the box look inside
  • 00:14:24
    look at the partner and say thank you
  • 00:14:26
    for the and you're going to say the
  • 00:14:28
    first that pops into your head so you
  • 00:14:31
    might say thank you for the car thank
  • 00:14:33
    you for the pen thank you for the
  • 00:14:34
    airplane it doesn't even have to fit in
  • 00:14:36
    the Box your partner who gave you the
  • 00:14:39
    imaginary gift upon hearing it is going
  • 00:14:42
    to explain to you why they gave it to
  • 00:14:45
    you do you see how there are two acts of
  • 00:14:48
    spontaneity that happen in this activity
  • 00:14:51
    and then you'll switch so again when
  • 00:14:54
    it's your turn to give you give the gift
  • 00:14:55
    your partner receives the gift they open
  • 00:14:56
    up the box they look inside and they
  • 00:14:58
    thank you for the first first thing that
  • 00:14:59
    comes to mind by show of hands how many
  • 00:15:01
    of you already know what's in your box
  • 00:15:04
    ahuh over half of you raised your hands
  • 00:15:08
    yes remember what I said in the previous
  • 00:15:10
    step how we want to do well and we want
  • 00:15:13
    to make sure we're right so you've okay
  • 00:15:15
    I know there's going to be a dog bone in
  • 00:15:17
    my box that's perfect I'm done I want
  • 00:15:20
    you literally when you open up the box
  • 00:15:22
    to say the first thing that comes to
  • 00:15:24
    your mind I have to tell my MBA students
  • 00:15:26
    to keep it clean and keep it legal I'm
  • 00:15:28
    sure I don't have to tell you that here
  • 00:15:30
    but I want you to name it and then your
  • 00:15:31
    partner upon hearing it is immediately
  • 00:15:33
    going to explain and then you're going
  • 00:15:34
    to switch this activity should take 2
  • 00:15:36
    minutes I will ask you to come back in
  • 00:15:38
    about two minutes so find somebody
  • 00:15:40
    sitting next to you introduce yourself
  • 00:15:42
    the person who woke up earliest this
  • 00:15:45
    morning goes first I learned a long time
  • 00:15:47
    ago as a teacher if you don't say who
  • 00:15:48
    goes first everybody argues on it all
  • 00:15:51
    right find a
  • 00:15:54
    person thank you by the way for doing
  • 00:15:57
    this activity I saw lots of of
  • 00:15:59
    smiles looks like you were having fun I
  • 00:16:02
    am simply going to move my arm across
  • 00:16:04
    the audience and as my hand points in
  • 00:16:06
    your general direction will you just
  • 00:16:08
    call out what you found in your box I
  • 00:16:11
    just I love hearing what people gave
  • 00:16:13
    themselves just start shouting out what
  • 00:16:15
    you gave yourselves Kleenex
  • 00:16:19
    tires okay catnip I heard yes pumpkin
  • 00:16:23
    notes did I hear broccoli oh
  • 00:16:27
    yes
  • 00:16:29
    dog poop okay yes sweater excellent you
  • 00:16:33
    guys gave yourself wonderful
  • 00:16:36
    gifts it's a bit of a rack test too it
  • 00:16:38
    tells us a little bit about you but we
  • 00:16:40
    won't go
  • 00:16:41
    there let me ask you this how did it
  • 00:16:46
    feel when you gave the gift and you were
  • 00:16:49
    waiting to hear what you gave many of
  • 00:16:52
    you looked excited I see many of you SM
  • 00:16:54
    what did I give what did I
  • 00:16:57
    give and then all of you embraced a rule
  • 00:17:01
    that comes from improvisation I am a
  • 00:17:03
    huge fan of improv and I have had
  • 00:17:05
    wonderful improv teachers here on this
  • 00:17:07
    campus Patricia Ryan Madson Adam Tobin
  • 00:17:10
    Dan kleene these are improv experts
  • 00:17:12
    who've taught me the value of improv and
  • 00:17:15
    all of you just executed the number one
  • 00:17:18
    rule of improv yes and you didn't say I
  • 00:17:23
    did not give you a dog bone no you said
  • 00:17:25
    of course I did and here's why right you
  • 00:17:27
    embraced it right
  • 00:17:29
    away what if what if when somebody asked
  • 00:17:34
    you a question or asked you for feedback
  • 00:17:36
    you saw it as an opportunity just like
  • 00:17:38
    you saw this activity as an opportunity
  • 00:17:41
    now I am not naive I know sometimes
  • 00:17:43
    people when they ask us questions or ask
  • 00:17:45
    us for feedback they're really putting
  • 00:17:46
    us on the spot they want to challenge us
  • 00:17:48
    they're coming after us but even in
  • 00:17:50
    those moments if I can see it as an
  • 00:17:52
    opportunity to connect to learn to find
  • 00:17:56
    some area of commonality it can change
  • 00:17:58
    change everything I will step in I will
  • 00:18:02
    be bigger in my response my tone will be
  • 00:18:05
    more collaborative my answers will be
  • 00:18:07
    more detailed by seeing spontaneous
  • 00:18:10
    communication as an opportunity as a
  • 00:18:13
    gift not a threat it changes our entire
  • 00:18:17
    approach so how do we do this how do we
  • 00:18:20
    execute on it on the new book I wrote
  • 00:18:23
    thinking faster talking sper I introduce
  • 00:18:26
    several tools we can use to see things
  • 00:18:28
    as
  • 00:18:29
    opportunities the first comes from this
  • 00:18:32
    notion of growth mindset which Carol D
  • 00:18:35
    on this campus helped to develop and
  • 00:18:38
    champions it's wonderful and her work is
  • 00:18:40
    fantastic one area of her work in growth
  • 00:18:43
    mindset which really essentially says
  • 00:18:45
    that when we are faced with a challenge
  • 00:18:48
    that doesn't go necessarily the way we
  • 00:18:50
    want it to we can learn and grow and
  • 00:18:54
    begin to get better at that versus a
  • 00:18:57
    fixed mindset which says that's just how
  • 00:18:59
    we're built that's just the way it is a
  • 00:19:02
    growth mindset again opens to
  • 00:19:04
    opportunity and one aspect of it that I
  • 00:19:06
    really resonate with is this notion of
  • 00:19:08
    not
  • 00:19:10
    yet just because something didn't go the
  • 00:19:13
    way you want to doesn't mean it never
  • 00:19:14
    will go the way you want it just means
  • 00:19:17
    not yet maybe you don't have the skills
  • 00:19:19
    you don't have the
  • 00:19:20
    practice but it means you can get there
  • 00:19:23
    so by adopting a not yet mindset it
  • 00:19:26
    helps us see things as opportun unties
  • 00:19:28
    opportunities to learn opportunities to
  • 00:19:30
    grow so when you meet with a frustration
  • 00:19:32
    in your life especially around
  • 00:19:34
    communication say to yourself not yet
  • 00:19:37
    we've already talked about yes and yes
  • 00:19:40
    and is where we see the possibility of
  • 00:19:42
    connection so even if you're in
  • 00:19:44
    disagreement in a negotiation that's
  • 00:19:46
    happening in the moment you can look for
  • 00:19:48
    those areas of commonality where is it
  • 00:19:50
    that we agree where is the yes and from
  • 00:19:53
    there
  • 00:19:54
    build the third of these comes from the
  • 00:19:57
    world of basketball
  • 00:19:59
    many of you are familiar with Mike
  • 00:20:00
    Shashi former basketball coach Coach K
  • 00:20:05
    one of the things he has credited with
  • 00:20:06
    instilling in his players but in all of
  • 00:20:09
    sport is this notion of next play if
  • 00:20:13
    you're an athlete say a basketball
  • 00:20:15
    player and you miss a
  • 00:20:16
    shot instead of ruminating and getting
  • 00:20:19
    frustrated with yourself move on to the
  • 00:20:22
    next play because the reality is if I
  • 00:20:24
    miss my shot and I sit there thinking
  • 00:20:26
    about how bad it was how I should have
  • 00:20:27
    made it the play is already ensuing and
  • 00:20:30
    the other team might be scoring a shot I
  • 00:20:32
    have to move to next play and the same
  • 00:20:35
    is true when you're in the midst of a
  • 00:20:37
    conversation Small Talk feedback
  • 00:20:39
    situation if something happens that
  • 00:20:41
    doesn't go exactly the way you want it
  • 00:20:43
    to next play keep
  • 00:20:45
    moving now while rumination in the
  • 00:20:48
    moment is bad reflection after the fact
  • 00:20:51
    is very
  • 00:20:52
    good so I'd love for you in the moment
  • 00:20:55
    to move to the next play but later that
  • 00:20:57
    day reflect what worked and what
  • 00:20:59
    didn't many of us treat our
  • 00:21:02
    communication as that definition of
  • 00:21:04
    insanity you know doing the same thing
  • 00:21:06
    over and over again expecting different
  • 00:21:07
    results if you don't reflect and learn
  • 00:21:10
    and think about it you're not going to
  • 00:21:12
    change so in the moment next play later
  • 00:21:16
    in the day reflection and then the final
  • 00:21:19
    of these
  • 00:21:20
    steps has us reframing the way we think
  • 00:21:24
    about
  • 00:21:26
    mistakes many of us try to avoid
  • 00:21:29
    mistakes we feel a mistake is a bad
  • 00:21:31
    thing now if you think about it we learn
  • 00:21:34
    through mistakes if you watch kids as
  • 00:21:36
    they develop they make lots of mistakes
  • 00:21:38
    and that's how they learn we can take
  • 00:21:40
    benefit from that as well but we have to
  • 00:21:42
    look at them differently rather than
  • 00:21:45
    mistakes I'd like you to think of them
  • 00:21:46
    as missed takes you know in television
  • 00:21:50
    and film directors will have their
  • 00:21:52
    actors do multiple takes of the same
  • 00:21:54
    scene you've seen that clapboard that
  • 00:21:56
    says take one take two
  • 00:21:59
    no one scene is wrong they're just
  • 00:22:02
    trying to optimize and try different
  • 00:22:04
    things so when you do something that
  • 00:22:06
    doesn't go the way you want think to
  • 00:22:09
    yourself take two I'm just going to do
  • 00:22:11
    it again differently it wasn't bad it
  • 00:22:13
    wasn't wrong I'm just going to try it
  • 00:22:16
    differently and if you take that
  • 00:22:18
    approach to your actions and the things
  • 00:22:21
    that don't go the way you want one it
  • 00:22:23
    keeps you in a much more positive frame
  • 00:22:25
    of reference and it encourages you to
  • 00:22:27
    think and learn learn from what just
  • 00:22:29
    happened so these four tools not yet yes
  • 00:22:33
    and next play and missed takes are the
  • 00:22:36
    ways in which we can look at our
  • 00:22:38
    communication in the moment as
  • 00:22:40
    opportunities and not
  • 00:22:43
    threats so we get out of our own
  • 00:22:45
    way after we manage anxiety we see
  • 00:22:49
    things as being opportunities not
  • 00:22:52
    threats and then our fourth step has to
  • 00:22:54
    do with
  • 00:22:56
    listening most most of us are not good
  • 00:22:59
    listeners we listen just enough to get
  • 00:23:01
    the gist of what somebody is saying and
  • 00:23:04
    then start thinking judging evaluating
  • 00:23:06
    rehearsing what we want to say we don't
  • 00:23:08
    listen
  • 00:23:09
    deeply and if you don't listen deeply
  • 00:23:11
    when you're communicating in the moment
  • 00:23:13
    you can make some errors imagine this we
  • 00:23:16
    walk out of a meeting together you turn
  • 00:23:19
    to me and you say how do you think that
  • 00:23:21
    went I hear feedback and I start listing
  • 00:23:24
    all the things that we did wrong all the
  • 00:23:25
    things you could have done better how we
  • 00:23:27
    can make sure that we don't make the
  • 00:23:28
    same errors next time but had I really
  • 00:23:31
    listened in that moment I might have
  • 00:23:33
    noticed you came out the back door not
  • 00:23:35
    the front door you were looking down and
  • 00:23:38
    talking more quietly than you usually do
  • 00:23:40
    in that moment what you wanted was not
  • 00:23:43
    feedback but you wanted
  • 00:23:45
    support and by virtue of giving you all
  • 00:23:48
    this constructive feedback I actually
  • 00:23:49
    did you a disservice and might have
  • 00:23:52
    damage the relationship we have so we
  • 00:23:55
    need to listen in a very different way
  • 00:23:57
    when we have have to speak spontaneously
  • 00:23:59
    so we really understand what's needed in
  • 00:24:01
    the moment so I'd like to give you some
  • 00:24:02
    advice about how to listen better and I
  • 00:24:04
    have to caveat this that my wife gets
  • 00:24:06
    really upset when I teach listening
  • 00:24:09
    because she says I'm still a work in
  • 00:24:12
    progress so listen to what I say not
  • 00:24:15
    necessarily what I do first when you are
  • 00:24:17
    listening you need to listen intently I
  • 00:24:20
    heard a professor at another University
  • 00:24:22
    say he was he he was a he taught music
  • 00:24:25
    and he was talking about jazz and he had
  • 00:24:27
    a jazz teacher and I have to look this
  • 00:24:29
    guy up to get his name but he said we
  • 00:24:31
    need to listen until you
  • 00:24:35
    sweat and I love that approach we
  • 00:24:38
    listening is hard work so the first
  • 00:24:40
    thing we need to do is when somebody's
  • 00:24:41
    speaking we have to listen to what's the
  • 00:24:43
    bottom line of what they're saying
  • 00:24:44
    what's the Crux of what they're trying
  • 00:24:45
    to get
  • 00:24:47
    across and then second we need to employ
  • 00:24:49
    a strategy that I learned from a
  • 00:24:51
    colleague here his name is Collins dobs
  • 00:24:54
    and Collins teaches critical and crucial
  • 00:24:56
    conversations here at the business
  • 00:24:57
    school and he has a methodology to help
  • 00:24:59
    do that and that methodology applies
  • 00:25:01
    beautifully to listening it's three
  • 00:25:02
    things Pace space
  • 00:25:06
    Grace to listen well you have to give
  • 00:25:09
    yourself a little bit of each of those
  • 00:25:11
    we have to slow things down the world
  • 00:25:14
    moves very quickly we've got a lot going
  • 00:25:17
    on if I slow down I can listen better so
  • 00:25:21
    the first step is to slow things down
  • 00:25:24
    second you have to give yourself space
  • 00:25:26
    sometimes it's physical space move to a
  • 00:25:28
    location where you can actually hear
  • 00:25:29
    better as I get older everything is
  • 00:25:31
    louder in the Ambient sound move to a
  • 00:25:34
    place where you can actually hear but
  • 00:25:36
    also mental space give yourself
  • 00:25:39
    permission to be present oriented In
  • 00:25:41
    This Moment listening to this person and
  • 00:25:44
    then finally grace and grace is to give
  • 00:25:46
    yourself permission to pay attention to
  • 00:25:48
    what's going on in the
  • 00:25:51
    environment how the person says what
  • 00:25:53
    they say not just what they say and
  • 00:25:56
    Grace refers to listening to your own
  • 00:25:59
    intuition We Have Heard lots of things
  • 00:26:01
    we have seen lots of things in our lives
  • 00:26:04
    and we get intuitions that come to us
  • 00:26:06
    based on what we hear and respect those
  • 00:26:08
    as well we often think listening is only
  • 00:26:11
    what's coming in but you can also listen
  • 00:26:13
    to what's happening inside you so but
  • 00:26:15
    with a little bit of pace space and
  • 00:26:17
    Grace and focusing on the Crux of what
  • 00:26:19
    somebody is saying you can listen
  • 00:26:22
    better one of the best tools we can use
  • 00:26:25
    to listen better is to ask either
  • 00:26:29
    clarifying questions or to
  • 00:26:32
    paraphrase we have this notion that we
  • 00:26:35
    have to respond in the moment right away
  • 00:26:38
    if I don't respond right away it means
  • 00:26:40
    I'm not confident it means I don't know
  • 00:26:42
    my stuff and yet we can pause a bit to
  • 00:26:45
    actually reflect on what we're listening
  • 00:26:47
    to before we
  • 00:26:50
    respond so I can literally just take a
  • 00:26:53
    pause some of us feel pausing is bad but
  • 00:26:55
    pausing can be great I can ask a
  • 00:26:58
    clarifying question that gives me a
  • 00:27:00
    little bit of time or I can paraphrase
  • 00:27:03
    which is where I take something you've
  • 00:27:05
    said synthesize it and present it back
  • 00:27:08
    to you in a way that's distilled down so
  • 00:27:11
    it's not like what a 5-year-old does who
  • 00:27:13
    just parrots back what you say that's
  • 00:27:14
    annoying but you look for the key idea
  • 00:27:16
    and you repeat it back the thing with
  • 00:27:19
    asking follow-up questions and
  • 00:27:20
    paraphrasing is these are lower order
  • 00:27:22
    cognitive skills in other words I can be
  • 00:27:24
    thinking about what I want to say next
  • 00:27:26
    while I'm doing those
  • 00:27:28
    so we're going to do a paraphrasing
  • 00:27:30
    activity it's very quick very similar to
  • 00:27:33
    what we did with give a gift I in a
  • 00:27:35
    moment I'm going to ask you to find a
  • 00:27:37
    different partner in the room and I'm
  • 00:27:38
    going to ask you to share a story of
  • 00:27:41
    your name and it can be anything related
  • 00:27:43
    to your name you want it can be very
  • 00:27:45
    deep and meaningful it can be fun for 30
  • 00:27:48
    seconds you're going to tell a story of
  • 00:27:49
    your name this activity is not about
  • 00:27:51
    storytelling this activity is about
  • 00:27:54
    paraphrasing because the person you're
  • 00:27:56
    telling it to is is going to paraphrase
  • 00:27:58
    what you said and then they're going to
  • 00:28:00
    ask a question because paraphrasing
  • 00:28:02
    never happens by itself it's always
  • 00:28:04
    followed by something maybe your answer
  • 00:28:07
    maybe connecting to the agenda maybe
  • 00:28:09
    asking a question so let me give you an
  • 00:28:12
    example of what this is like so I'm
  • 00:28:14
    going to tell you a story about my name
  • 00:28:15
    for 30 seconds I'm going to ask for a
  • 00:28:17
    volunteer if you'd like to paraphrase
  • 00:28:20
    what I said and then another volunteer
  • 00:28:22
    to ask a question now you do not need to
  • 00:28:24
    answer the question but by training
  • 00:28:27
    yourself to ask a question immediately
  • 00:28:29
    after paraphrasing you're training
  • 00:28:31
    yourself to keep the conversation moving
  • 00:28:34
    paraphrasing is never something you do
  • 00:28:36
    in and of itself you always use it to
  • 00:28:37
    move on so here's a story of my name my
  • 00:28:40
    name is Matt all through my childhood I
  • 00:28:43
    was teased mercilessly because Matt
  • 00:28:46
    rhymes with everything okay lazy as a
  • 00:28:49
    doormat silly as a cat you're fat I was
  • 00:28:52
    teased all the time when my wife and I
  • 00:28:56
    started our family it was very important
  • 00:28:58
    to me that our children not be named
  • 00:29:00
    something that was easily
  • 00:29:03
    teas as a teacher I have a built-in
  • 00:29:06
    focus group so I went into my classroom
  • 00:29:09
    I wrote the three names that my wife and
  • 00:29:11
    I were willing to call our kids and I
  • 00:29:14
    gave my students five minutes to come up
  • 00:29:16
    with the most heinous mean bad Rhymes
  • 00:29:18
    and everything they could and we named
  • 00:29:20
    my
  • 00:29:21
    children the names that had the shortest
  • 00:29:24
    lists so that's the story of my name is
  • 00:29:27
    there somebody here who' be willing to
  • 00:29:29
    just paraphrase my story again a
  • 00:29:32
    paraphrase gets to the Crux of it I see
  • 00:29:33
    your hand here sir
  • 00:29:36
    yes that wouldn't happen excellent great
  • 00:29:39
    paraphrase essentially what he said for
  • 00:29:41
    those of you who couldn't hear is you
  • 00:29:42
    stress tested your kids names right
  • 00:29:47
    that's a great
  • 00:29:48
    paraphrase what is a reasonable question
  • 00:29:52
    that you might ask
  • 00:29:53
    yes what are the kids' names yes I'm not
  • 00:29:56
    going to tell you because they would be
  • 00:29:57
    be very upset but I'll tell you that my
  • 00:29:59
    kids are not teased because of their
  • 00:30:01
    names now they're teased for lots of
  • 00:30:02
    other things but not their names do you
  • 00:30:04
    see how paraphrasing can actually help
  • 00:30:08
    you listen more intently so here's what
  • 00:30:11
    I'm going to ask you to do find somebody
  • 00:30:13
    else sitting around you introduce
  • 00:30:15
    yourself and the person in your
  • 00:30:18
    partnership who had to travel the
  • 00:30:20
    farthest to get to campus for the event
  • 00:30:24
    not this morning if you're not local
  • 00:30:26
    you're staying in a hotel that's close
  • 00:30:27
    by but where you came from whoever
  • 00:30:30
    traveled the farthest will go first
  • 00:30:31
    you'll tell a 30second story about your
  • 00:30:33
    name your partner will immediately
  • 00:30:34
    paraphrase and ask a question you need
  • 00:30:36
    not answer it and then you'll switch
  • 00:30:38
    this should take us two minutes to do
  • 00:30:39
    find a partner tell a story of your
  • 00:30:45
    name how did it feel to have your
  • 00:30:49
    story
  • 00:30:52
    paraphrased it feels good doesn't it it
  • 00:30:54
    feels good to have your story
  • 00:30:56
    paraphrased
  • 00:30:58
    it feels good to be listened
  • 00:31:02
    to now we're not virtual in this room so
  • 00:31:06
    we don't have some of those cool
  • 00:31:07
    features that you have on tools like
  • 00:31:09
    zoom and teams and meet so we're going
  • 00:31:12
    to do it all the oldfashioned way will
  • 00:31:14
    everybody put your fist out like this
  • 00:31:17
    this is a yes thumbs up yes thumbs down
  • 00:31:19
    no no middle
  • 00:31:21
    fingers did your
  • 00:31:24
    partner paraphrase well
  • 00:31:27
    your story of your name I am seeing
  • 00:31:31
    almost exclusively thumbs up I see one
  • 00:31:34
    sideways and we might have one thumbs
  • 00:31:36
    down but there's always one in every
  • 00:31:38
    credit
  • 00:31:39
    no how did it feel how did it feel to
  • 00:31:44
    listen to
  • 00:31:46
    paraphrase how did it feel to do
  • 00:31:50
    this hard right I see thumbs up but it
  • 00:31:52
    was hard right you had to listen in a
  • 00:31:54
    different way when I looked at all of
  • 00:31:55
    you doing this you were leaning in you
  • 00:31:57
    were nodding it was clear that you were
  • 00:31:59
    listening with intensity we have the
  • 00:32:01
    capability to listen well but we have to
  • 00:32:05
    encourage ourselves to do it and when we
  • 00:32:07
    speak spontaneously it is critical to
  • 00:32:10
    listen well so we've now completed the
  • 00:32:13
    first four steps of the process manage
  • 00:32:15
    anxiety get out of Our Own Way see it as
  • 00:32:18
    an opportunity listen well all of this
  • 00:32:22
    has to do with mindset we haven't
  • 00:32:24
    actually responded in the moment yet so
  • 00:32:27
    that's the next part and that's
  • 00:32:29
    messaging and messaging has two
  • 00:32:30
    components first it has to do with
  • 00:32:33
    structure structure is critical how you
  • 00:32:37
    put your messages together matters most
  • 00:32:40
    of us just ramble and give lists of
  • 00:32:43
    information when we're put on the spot
  • 00:32:45
    and your brain is not wired for lists
  • 00:32:48
    it's very hard for us to remember just
  • 00:32:51
    ramblings our brains are actually wired
  • 00:32:53
    for structure for story a story to me a
  • 00:32:56
    stru structure is nothing more than a
  • 00:32:58
    logical connection of ideas that has a
  • 00:33:00
    beginning a middle and an
  • 00:33:02
    end I learned the power of story and the
  • 00:33:05
    power of structure When I Was An
  • 00:33:07
    undergraduate here at Stanford many many
  • 00:33:11
    years ago I was a tour guide on this
  • 00:33:13
    campus to this day I can still walk
  • 00:33:15
    backwards in a straight line while
  • 00:33:19
    speaking they trained us back then for
  • 00:33:22
    12
  • 00:33:24
    weeks the most important thing they
  • 00:33:26
    taught us they said above all else to be
  • 00:33:28
    a good tour guide on this campus you
  • 00:33:31
    must never ever lose your tour group you
  • 00:33:36
    are a bad tour guide if you get people
  • 00:33:39
    lost the same is true with us as
  • 00:33:41
    spontaneous speakers never lose the
  • 00:33:45
    audience you're talking to how do we
  • 00:33:47
    keep people together we structure our
  • 00:33:50
    responses structure helps us Orient
  • 00:33:53
    people in set expectations if I showed
  • 00:33:56
    up and I said hi I'm Matt I'm your tour
  • 00:33:57
    guide let's go how many of you would go
  • 00:34:00
    with me a few because you're adventurous
  • 00:34:02
    but the rest of you'd be like heck no
  • 00:34:04
    where are we going do I have the right
  • 00:34:05
    shoes on should I go to the bathroom
  • 00:34:07
    first a good tour guide just like a good
  • 00:34:09
    spontaneous speaker sets expectations up
  • 00:34:12
    front so you can pay attention to what's
  • 00:34:13
    happening and not wonder what's coming
  • 00:34:16
    next structure also helps connect ideas
  • 00:34:20
    together the biggest place or the most
  • 00:34:23
    frequent place you will lose people as a
  • 00:34:25
    tour guide is when you move from one
  • 00:34:27
    place to the next people just wander
  • 00:34:29
    off the same is true in our
  • 00:34:31
    communication if you are using words
  • 00:34:33
    like so next second third as your
  • 00:34:37
    transitions then you are missing
  • 00:34:39
    opportunities to keep people together so
  • 00:34:42
    structure is really
  • 00:34:44
    important let me give you an example of
  • 00:34:46
    a structure just so you can get your
  • 00:34:48
    arms around it most of us are familiar
  • 00:34:51
    with a very persuasive structure of
  • 00:34:53
    problem solution benefit if you've ever
  • 00:34:56
    ever pitched an idea if you've ever
  • 00:34:58
    watched an advertisement This Is How
  • 00:35:01
    They Go problem solution benefit here's
  • 00:35:04
    an issue here's how we solve it and
  • 00:35:06
    here's the benefit that's a structure
  • 00:35:09
    beginning middle and an end now my
  • 00:35:11
    favorite structure in the whole world is
  • 00:35:14
    three simple questions what so what now
  • 00:35:18
    what the what is your idea your belief
  • 00:35:22
    your position your product your service
  • 00:35:24
    your feedback the so is why is it
  • 00:35:27
    important to the person you're speaking
  • 00:35:29
    to and then now what is what comes next
  • 00:35:31
    maybe I'll take your questions let's set
  • 00:35:33
    another meeting let me show you a
  • 00:35:36
    demonstration what so what now what is a
  • 00:35:39
    great way to package up information when
  • 00:35:42
    you're meeting with your friends this
  • 00:35:44
    weekend and somebody says what are you
  • 00:35:46
    up to it's a great structure to update
  • 00:35:49
    here's what I'm doing here's why I think
  • 00:35:50
    it's important here's what I'm planning
  • 00:35:51
    to do next when you're giving feedback
  • 00:35:55
    you can give feedback in this structure
  • 00:35:58
    the feedback is what I saw or what I
  • 00:36:01
    didn't see the so what is why it's
  • 00:36:03
    important and the now what is what I'd
  • 00:36:05
    like you to do differently so imagine we
  • 00:36:07
    come out of a meeting together and you
  • 00:36:08
    say Matt how'd that go I say well I
  • 00:36:10
    thought it went really well except when
  • 00:36:11
    you were talking about the
  • 00:36:12
    implementation plan you spoke quickly
  • 00:36:15
    and didn't give as much detail as you
  • 00:36:17
    did
  • 00:36:18
    elsewhere when you speak quickly without
  • 00:36:20
    a lot of detail people might think
  • 00:36:21
    you're nervous and arn is
  • 00:36:23
    prepared next time slow down and use
  • 00:36:26
    these two addition examples do you see
  • 00:36:28
    how in the moment just by following this
  • 00:36:30
    structure it gives me a good
  • 00:36:34
    response structure is a tool it's like a
  • 00:36:38
    recipe I am a lousy cook but I have have
  • 00:36:41
    a much better chance of cooking well if
  • 00:36:43
    I follow a recipe so by having a recipe
  • 00:36:46
    all I have to do is put the ingredients
  • 00:36:48
    into it I know how I'm going to give you
  • 00:36:50
    my feedback I just have to think about
  • 00:36:52
    what I say in the feedback so structure
  • 00:36:55
    helps you not only package up
  • 00:36:57
    information for your audience but it
  • 00:36:59
    helps you prioritize what to say and
  • 00:37:02
    because the information is packaged well
  • 00:37:04
    your audience can take that information
  • 00:37:06
    and share it elsewhere think of a job
  • 00:37:08
    interview when you're being interviewed
  • 00:37:11
    not only are you trying to communicate
  • 00:37:13
    your skills and how you could benefit
  • 00:37:15
    the company but you're trying to equip
  • 00:37:17
    your interviewer with the information
  • 00:37:19
    that they can then take to the others
  • 00:37:21
    involved in the hiring decision and
  • 00:37:23
    represent you and if you package up that
  • 00:37:25
    information easily they can tell your
  • 00:37:27
    story really well if you just give them
  • 00:37:30
    a whole list of information they're
  • 00:37:32
    likely not to remember it so structure
  • 00:37:34
    is incredibly helpful in spontaneous
  • 00:37:38
    communication in the new book the whole
  • 00:37:40
    second half of it is specific
  • 00:37:42
    spontaneous situations making small talk
  • 00:37:45
    apologizing giving feedback introducing
  • 00:37:47
    yourself answering questions and with
  • 00:37:49
    each one I assign or give a structure
  • 00:37:51
    that you can
  • 00:37:53
    use this is not the final step though
  • 00:37:56
    the final step is the F-word of
  • 00:37:59
    communication and it's not that naughty
  • 00:38:00
    one some of you are thinking about it's
  • 00:38:03
    Focus many of us when we speak in the
  • 00:38:06
    moment take our audiences on the Journey
  • 00:38:08
    of our discovery of what it is we want
  • 00:38:10
    to say as we're saying it in other words
  • 00:38:13
    we say more than we need to we need to
  • 00:38:16
    be focused and concise my mother has a
  • 00:38:19
    saying that I love I know she didn't
  • 00:38:21
    create it but it's tell me the time
  • 00:38:24
    don't build me the clock many of us when
  • 00:38:28
    we are spontaneously speaking build
  • 00:38:30
    clocks one because we're discovering
  • 00:38:32
    what we want to say two because we want
  • 00:38:34
    people to think we're really smart and
  • 00:38:36
    three we want everybody to see how hard
  • 00:38:38
    we've worked to get to what we're saying
  • 00:38:40
    it is much better to be Compact and
  • 00:38:44
    concise in what you're saying so how do
  • 00:38:47
    you do that well one we've already
  • 00:38:49
    talked about relevance if I think about
  • 00:38:51
    what's really relevant for the audience
  • 00:38:53
    then I hinge everything I'm saying on
  • 00:38:55
    that relevance
  • 00:38:57
    second you should have a goal whenever
  • 00:38:59
    you speak be it spontaneous or planned a
  • 00:39:02
    goal to me has three parts information
  • 00:39:05
    emotion and action what do I want the
  • 00:39:08
    audience to know how do I want them to
  • 00:39:09
    feel and what do I want them to do so if
  • 00:39:12
    I'm walking into a room where I expect
  • 00:39:14
    that I will be asked
  • 00:39:15
    questions or asked to give feedback or
  • 00:39:18
    even making small talk I think to myself
  • 00:39:20
    what do I want people to know how do I
  • 00:39:22
    want them to feel and what do I want
  • 00:39:23
    them to do and that helps me focus and
  • 00:39:25
    prioritize what I'm saying
  • 00:39:27
    so it's not enough to just have a
  • 00:39:28
    structured message you have to focus
  • 00:39:31
    that message to help people remember it
  • 00:39:33
    and to not be seen as rambling and
  • 00:39:37
    giving too much
  • 00:39:41
    information there's another structure I
  • 00:39:43
    want to introduce you to that is
  • 00:39:44
    incredibly focused in concise this is a
  • 00:39:48
    structure for pitching I'm often asked
  • 00:39:50
    by people what happens if somebody asks
  • 00:39:52
    me to pitch an idea in the moment so
  • 00:39:55
    you're getting on an elevator and your
  • 00:39:57
    boss's boss steps in and they look at
  • 00:39:59
    you say oh what are you working on I'm
  • 00:40:00
    about to go speak with the board maybe I
  • 00:40:01
    can help you you got to respond four
  • 00:40:05
    sentence starters you just finish these
  • 00:40:09
    sentences what if you could so that for
  • 00:40:14
    example and that's not all what if you
  • 00:40:17
    could so that for example and that's not
  • 00:40:20
    all let me show you how this works by
  • 00:40:23
    taking a suggestion from you all and
  • 00:40:25
    I'll put it in this structure and then
  • 00:40:27
    together as a group we're going to use
  • 00:40:29
    this for something can somebody think of
  • 00:40:32
    a product or service that you would like
  • 00:40:34
    to hear a pitch
  • 00:40:36
    for what would you like to hear me give
  • 00:40:38
    a pitch for somebody suggest one your
  • 00:40:39
    book my book well look at that well
  • 00:40:43
    thank you all
  • 00:40:45
    right I appreciate that so my new book
  • 00:40:48
    is all about how to speak more
  • 00:40:50
    effectively in the moment what if you
  • 00:40:53
    could feel more comfortable and
  • 00:40:54
    confident when put on the spot so that
  • 00:40:57
    you could answer questions well or give
  • 00:41:01
    appropriate feedback for example imagine
  • 00:41:04
    an upcoming job interview that you nail
  • 00:41:07
    that you get all of your points across
  • 00:41:08
    in a way that really represents who you
  • 00:41:11
    are and that's not all you can apply
  • 00:41:13
    these principles to small talk to
  • 00:41:16
    apologizing and to even introducing
  • 00:41:18
    yourself do you see how just answering
  • 00:41:21
    those sentences gets you to a tight
  • 00:41:24
    clear
  • 00:41:25
    pitch so here's what we're going to do
  • 00:41:27
    for all of you to practice and thank you
  • 00:41:30
    for that opportunity
  • 00:41:33
    okay all of us are here for our Stamford
  • 00:41:38
    reunion let's imagine for your next
  • 00:41:41
    reunion you volunteer to help recruit
  • 00:41:45
    people to come back to campus for
  • 00:41:46
    reunion so you're going to make a pitch
  • 00:41:50
    let's go through each of these four
  • 00:41:51
    together as a group somebody give me a
  • 00:41:54
    the end of this sentence what if you
  • 00:41:56
    could
  • 00:41:57
    could what if you could see old friends
  • 00:42:00
    so
  • 00:42:04
    that you can walk down memory lane and
  • 00:42:07
    and experience the things that you
  • 00:42:08
    enjoyed about being on campus for
  • 00:42:10
    example somebody give me an example of a
  • 00:42:13
    of a memory or an exciting thing you'd
  • 00:42:15
    like to share with a old friend for
  • 00:42:18
    example here the band hear the band play
  • 00:42:22
    and sing some of the old songs and
  • 00:42:24
    that's not all
  • 00:42:27
    and that's not all you
  • 00:42:28
    what you can go to a great lecture on
  • 00:42:31
    communicating in the moment I love it do
  • 00:42:34
    you see how easy that was do you see how
  • 00:42:36
    the structure helps you and it made it
  • 00:42:40
    very
  • 00:42:41
    concise so by focusing on these two
  • 00:42:44
    messaging elements structure and focus
  • 00:42:46
    you can actually be much better at
  • 00:42:47
    speaking in the
  • 00:42:51
    moment so some resources for you to
  • 00:42:53
    continue learning these Concepts and and
  • 00:42:56
    others I host a podcast for the business
  • 00:42:58
    school it's called think fast talk smart
  • 00:43:01
    it's all about communication skills I
  • 00:43:03
    get to interview experts from around
  • 00:43:05
    campus and around the world on how to be
  • 00:43:07
    a better
  • 00:43:08
    communicators lots of your favorite
  • 00:43:10
    faculty have been guests on the show and
  • 00:43:13
    this show I'm proud to say has won many
  • 00:43:15
    prestigious Awards including best dog
  • 00:43:18
    walking podcast and best commute podcast
  • 00:43:21
    because our episodes are very concise
  • 00:43:22
    and short 20 minutes we've won some
  • 00:43:24
    other ones as well I and there's a
  • 00:43:26
    picture of the book think faster talk
  • 00:43:28
    smarter if you take a a shot of this QR
  • 00:43:31
    code it'll take you to a whole bunch of
  • 00:43:32
    resources that I make available to our
  • 00:43:35
    students here and elsewhere I encourage
  • 00:43:38
    all of you to think about how you can be
  • 00:43:40
    a better in the- moment speaker it takes
  • 00:43:43
    time and it takes practice the only way
  • 00:43:46
    you get better at communication planned
  • 00:43:47
    or spontaneous is three things
  • 00:43:50
    repetition reflection and feedback
  • 00:43:53
    repetition reflection and feedback
  • 00:43:56
    you have to practice you have to think
  • 00:43:59
    about what's working and what's not
  • 00:44:00
    working and you have to seek out advice
  • 00:44:03
    and guidance from teachers from
  • 00:44:05
    colleagues from mentors to help that's
  • 00:44:07
    how we get
  • 00:44:09
    better
Etiquetas
  • spontaneous speaking
  • anxiety management
  • communication skills
  • listening
  • message structure
  • mindset
  • feedback
  • practice
  • improv
  • Stanford MBA