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What if I told you that confidence has
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nothing to do with feeling ready and
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everything to do with doing it scared? I
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have built multiple businesses. I've led
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massive teams. I've been on stages
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terrified out of my mind. And somehow
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I'm still standing. So, if you've ever
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wondered how to stay calm in a situation
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or how to stop overthinking or how to
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build real confidence, here's how. I am
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here to tell you how to actually build
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confidence. Most people have it
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backwards. Confidence is the output, not
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the input. A lot of people ask me, Ila,
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how do I build confidence? And I get it
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because it's just like everyone's like,
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"Oh, believe in yourself. You just need
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to believe in yourself." And they think
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that you need to write these
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affirmations on the bathroom mirror
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every morning. And listen, that's what I
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did when I was in my early 20s. I
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literally did this. I had it written on
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my mirror. It was like, I am beautiful.
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I am strong. I am capable. I am
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confident. And guess what? Nothing
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changed. It didn't do anything. Having
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those things written on my mirror didn't
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do jack for how I felt the rest of my
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day. And the reason for that is because
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confidence comes from action. And that's
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why I say so often your mood, follow the
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plan. Because if you keep the promises
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that you make to yourself, especially
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when you don't feel like doing it,
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that's the input that leads to the
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output of confidence. And that's what
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most people miss. They're so busy
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chasing the result. It's like, if you
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think about it, if somebody's like, I
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really just want to be skinny, right?
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And so that all they do is just like
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thinking about being skinny, wishing
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they could be skinny, but you're like,
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just get in the gym. Get in the gym, do
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the workout, eat the food. You can't
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just wish for it. You have to work for
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it. So, I'll give you an example. At the
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age of 21, I moved across the country. I
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had no job. I had no money. And I had no
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clue what the hell I was doing. I
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certainly had no confidence in myself.
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And I wasn't confident in my ability to
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pull it off. And so, what I did is I
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said, "Okay, I'm at least going to put
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together a plan." So, what I did is I
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moved to California. I got an apartment
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and then I looked for every place that I
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could work, which was a gym because I
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have my degree in exercise science
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within walking distance. And I had to do
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walking distance cuz I was like, I can't
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afford to pay for too much gas because I
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don't have money. And so I ended up
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getting a job at 24-hour fitness. And
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when I got the job, what I realized
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within the first two days was that the
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job wasn't about fitness. It wasn't
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about everything I'd learned. It was
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actually about marketing and sales. And
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I was terrified because I was like, I
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have no idea how to do marketing and
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sales. And I felt like this complete
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imposttor syndrome. I just felt like an
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out of my body experience because I was
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like, "How am I supposed to do this?"
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But at the same time, what I'm seeing is
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my bank account every single day. I had
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$5,000 and just down, down, down. My
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rent was 1,400 a month, food, gas,
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everything else, insurance, paying off
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my student loan debt, all those things.
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Every single month, I was like, I've got
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three months. And so I was like, I have
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to learn how to do this. And the thing
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is is that I knew I was like, I don't
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want to be the person who walks out. I
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don't want to be the person who quits
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because I knew that was just going to
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make me feel worse about myself. And so
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I put in the reps. I said, I'm going to
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read five books on sales. I'm going to
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be there at 4:00 a.m. I'm going to leave
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at 9:00 p.m. I'm going to drill. I'm
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going to take every opportunity to meet
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with somebody who's better than me. I'm
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going to take all the opportunity
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possible to learn the skill. I was so
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nervous the first time I went to make my
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first sale that I went into the bathroom
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because I thought I was going to throw
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up. I went into the bathroom. I didn't
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leave. I didn't quit. And what happened
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was that I was absolutely
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terrified for the first 30 days. I
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remember the moment where I made my
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first sale and my manager, my team,
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everybody came, they all crowded around
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me and they were like, "You did it." And
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what was crazy was that none of the
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celebration mattered. It wasn't the fact
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that everyone was congratulating me. It
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wasn't the fact that I made the money.
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It was the fact of how I felt about
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myself. It was like this vision that I
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had of my future self just got pulled
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into reality. And every belief I had
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about myself was broken. Right? Then I
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didn't believe that I could make money.
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I wasn't confident in my ability to sell
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or to market until the sale happened.
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And all of a sudden, it was like more of
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what's possible came to mind for me.
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Like I started to think about other
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things I could do. I started thinking
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about other skills I could acquire. I
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started to think about other things
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beyond the box that I had built of the
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vision of myself. That's absurd to think
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that if I was just reading affirmations
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in the mirror that I suddenly would have
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been good at sales. Like, I put in the
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reps to get good at sales. And here's
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the thing, success does not
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discriminate. Confidence does not
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discriminate. It doesn't care where
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you've come from. It doesn't care about
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your background. It doesn't care about
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your experience. All it cares about is
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the fact that you put in the work to get
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it. So, if you see people, right, you
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see people when you're younger and
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you're like, "How is that person so
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confident, right? like given all their
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circumstances, maybe what they look
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like, maybe their job, their career,
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they've done work that you haven't done.
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And that's the thing, you have to work
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for it. You have to put it into
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existence and you have to make it
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happen. Here's the thing. Your brain
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gathers evidence, and evidence is what
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builds the identity and confidence over
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time. So, someone says to me, Ila, you
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know, I want to go and speak at this
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event, but I just I'm not confident to
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speak at that event. I said, it would be
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absurd to think that you would be
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confident when you've never
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spoken on stage before. Of course,
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that's not going to happen. Our brains
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like to predict what's likely to happen.
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If you've never done something before,
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your brain says, "I don't know what
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could happen, so I'm going to make you
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scared. And if you're scared, you're
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going to avoid it." Which means that you
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won't die. Right? Because our brains are
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wired for survival, not success. And so,
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it is crazy to think that you would
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actually have confidence when you
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haven't done the thing yet. You will
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become confident once you've done the
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thing because your brain does it. It
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sees you didn't die and it says, "It's
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okay. You can do it again." Now, here's
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the thing. I wasn't like forever
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confident now because just like a muscle
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that you work out gets weak if you don't
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put it under pressure, so does
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confidence. Confidence is like a muscle.
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So if you don't work out that muscle,
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it's just going to get weaker and weaker
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over time. So if you want to build
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unshakable confidence, then you need a
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habit that tracks the truth, not your
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mood. Now, what do I mean by that? When
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I was 100 lb overweight and I wanted to
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lose that 100 lb, I said, you know what?
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I'm just going to freaking start doing
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what fit people do. I'm going to eat the
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way they do. I'm going to work out the
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way they do. I'm going to try and even
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dress the way they do. And I'm gonna
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hope and pray it actually works, right?
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Because I'm sick of being fat. But the
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most important thing I started doing is
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I started tracking every single day what
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I ate when I worked out. It's not that
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within the day I lost 50 lbs between
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Monday and Tuesday, right? But I did
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notice that even if I felt like I
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overeat or even if I felt like I was
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slacking or even if I felt like my
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workout wasn't perfect because I was on
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a trip, I still consistently tracked and
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I still saw progress over time. Now
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maybe it wasn't between Monday and
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Tuesday, but I could see it between
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Monday and Monday or Monday and two
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Mondays from now. And so I saw that the
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line wasn't like this, the line was like
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this. And over time I did make a lot of
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progress. And that's when I realized
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confidence comes from data, not
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dopamine. And over time, what happens is
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that evidence that you're feeding your
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brain helps override the emotional
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narratives that you tell yourself. Your
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brain will follow the evidence. And so
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tracking things and tracking our
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progress. The reason why it keeps people
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on track is because your brain looks at
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it and it objectively says, "Oh, wow.
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This is evidence. This is data. This is
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important. And I'm going to believe it."
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Before that, all that's happening is
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that you feel like even when you're
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making progress. Have you ever felt that
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way before? Have you ever felt like
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you're making progress, but you still
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feel like good about yourself? Lots of
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people actually feel that way. And the
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reason why they feel like is because
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they don't track their progress because
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progress doesn't go like this. So, you
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remember the days that you feel low, but
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you don't remember the days that you
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feel high. But if you look at the
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progress and you track, you see all the
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days that were high and then you're
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like, "Oh, you know what? I actually had
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five good days this week and really two
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bad ones." But it's just that our brains
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love to take the negative and make it
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bigger than it is. And so we have to
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fight that natural tendency by tracking
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our wins. Now, here's the thing. If
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you're struggling to stay consistent and
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you're like, I am tracking things, but I
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still don't feel confident and I don't
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feel like I'm making progress, then my
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guess is this. You're trying to go too
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big. You're taking too big of a leap.
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The fastest way to build confidence is
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to start with something small, so small
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that you can't lose. Okay? Great example
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of this is I had a friend who every
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single time he started with a new client
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and this is a client who's trying to
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lose weight. He did not get them to try
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and eat less the first week. He didn't
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get them to try and go to the gym the
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first week. He didn't even have them
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measure themselves the first week. The
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first seven days of his program, he just
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asked them to make their bed and take a
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picture. Isn't that crazy? Now, why is
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that? Because he wanted to make it
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something so easy and so small that he
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knew that by the end of 7 days, they
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would feel good about the fact that they
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had made their bed every day. And so
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what that did is it created the
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confidence in that person so that they
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felt like they could take the next step.
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And people think, "Oh, it's so small.
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I'm not going to feel the reward of it."
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That's not the case. That's not how it
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works. You will feel good no matter how
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small the progress was as long as you
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get the reward. For example, every
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quarter, every 3 months in my business,
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I decide what are my goals for that
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quarter, right? And it's like, okay, I
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have these three or four big goals that
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I have for the quarter that I'm going to
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tackle. But it's not that I just look at
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it and say, did I hit it? Yes or no. I
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take each goal and I break it down as
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small as possible. And then every single
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day I go in and I'm like, what have I
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accomplished on the way to my goal? If I
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have 20 steps in each of the goals I
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have, I get to go in and I get to hit
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check, check, check. And it's funny
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because if I look at these goals, it
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feels very overwhelming until I realize
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that almost every day I'm checking off
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at least one piece of one goal. And that
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has helped me so much in realizing that
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if I were to try and tackle all four of
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those goals in one week, I'm going to
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stumble. I'm probably going to fail,
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right? And then I'm going to be really
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upset at myself. I'm going to feel bad.
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I'm going to beat myself up. I'm going
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have less energy to attack the next
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thing. But if I break it down into small
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steps and I just focus on, can I just
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accomplish one step a day? Then I
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realize like I feel a sense of momentum
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and I feel good about myself. I feel
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like, wow, I'm making progress. I'm the
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kind of person who keeps their word. I'm
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the kind of person who achieves their
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goals. Versus the other narrative, which
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is you try to take on something too big
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and then you're like, I'm the kind of
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person who doesn't achieve their goals.
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I don't feel good about myself. And then
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you spend all this time beating yourself
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up because you set a goal that was too
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big is unrealistic. The frame I use is
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tiny tweaks. What is one tiny tweak I
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can make today? And then what's one tiny
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tweak I can make tomorrow? And so on and
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so forth. And so like for example, when
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I'm trying to lose 5 lbs, I'll be like,
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"Oh gosh, you know what? I had too many
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bites of that ice cream tonight. What am
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I going to do tomorrow?" I'm actually
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not even going to say that tomorrow I'm
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going to have zero dessert. I'm going to
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say tomorrow I'm going to have a Ghirad
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deli chocolate. Just one. Another
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example, I have a lot of people that
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join my team and they're really scared
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of public speaking and they want to be a
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leader in the company. And so they're
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like, "Oh my gosh, I don't even
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understand. You told me that we have
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this full team meetup next year. How am
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I going to get on stage and speak to the
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team? I can't even barely do anything."
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And I'm like, "Listen, baby steps, tiny
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tweaks. Here's what we're going to do.
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On the huddle on Monday, I want you to
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just run this portion. It's 60 seconds.
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Then on this meeting on Tuesday, I just
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want you to give a shout out to one
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person. And then on the next week, I
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want you to own this portion. It's 120
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seconds. And then I want you to also
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give two shout outs to this person. And
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I've used that methodology over time
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where I take people from first they
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couldn't even speak on a meeting. To
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then they're running a piece of the
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meeting to then they're running half of
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the meeting to then they're running the
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whole meeting to then they say, "Wow, if
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you can run a meeting, you can do a
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presentation to the team. Then they're
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doing a presentation to their team. And
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then all of a sudden, if you can do a
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presentation to your team, you can do a
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presentation to the whole team. And
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they're doing a presentation to the
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whole team. and eventually they're
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speaking at our annual event. And I've
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used this time and time again to take
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people who were terrified of public
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speaking and turn them into people who
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are rock stars on stage. But it starts
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with something as simple as I don't say,
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"Let's go get you on stage." I say,
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"Let's have you speak for 60 seconds on
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a meeting on a Zoom call." But that
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confidence that they build in doing
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that, that's what gets them eventually
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to the stage. So you now know confidence
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is an output, not an input. You need to
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track your wins to even create that
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output. And you need to break those
00:11:41
tasks down into tiny tiny tweaks to get
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there. But I know what you're thinking,
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which is what if I'm too scared to even
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start the baby steps? What you need to
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understand is that emotion follows
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motion, not the other way around. Here's
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what I've learned. Choosing to tolerate
00:11:56
fear and discomfort rather than trying
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to eliminate it is how I've been able to
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transform everything that I have done,
00:12:02
everything I've been terrified from,
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from content creation to public speaking
00:12:05
to running a giant company to buying
00:12:06
multiple buildings to doing everything.
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I was no less scared than you, than you
00:12:10
watching this video. I just decided that
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I was willing to be scared. I decided
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that I was willing to be uncomfortable.
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Here's the thing. Fear is a mile wide
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and an inch deep. Fear means your brain
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is working properly. It's not wrong that
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you feel scared. The thing that's
00:12:25
stopping you is the fact that you feel
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like there's you must get rid of the
00:12:29
fear in order to do the thing. But
00:12:31
that's not how your brain has been set
00:12:32
up. I'm sorry to tell you. Your brain is
00:12:33
wired for survival, not success. it will
00:12:36
continue to feel scared until you do the
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thing. The fear will be the strongest
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before you have the breakthrough. And
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then what I tell people is this and what
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I've learned is that once you feel it,
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right, you step into the situation
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you're scared of, you step on stage,
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you're behind a camera, you sign the
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document, you can't control the fear.
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And so whether you want the fear to go
00:12:54
away or not, it will. I promise you,
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because that's how we are
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physiologically wired. So the moment you
00:13:00
step on stage, here's what's going to
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happen. Say you're terrified of public
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speaking. You're going to step on that
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stage. This happens to me every time.
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Mouth dry, palms are sweaty, knees weak,
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whatever it might be, right? I step on
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stage, that's how I feel. Then within 15
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seconds, my heart rate starts to go from
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like 190 to like 150. And then within a
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minute, I start to feel like I've spit
00:13:17
in my mouth again. And then within 2
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minutes, I don't feel any of it. It's
00:13:20
not because I try to get rid of the
00:13:21
fear. It's because I didn't run away
00:13:22
from the situation and I didn't try to
00:13:24
get rid of the fear. And so what I
00:13:26
learned in doing all these things is
00:13:28
that my emotions follow my emotion. That
00:13:31
is how you behave your way into
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confidence. And you build up so much
00:13:34
evidence that it would be unreasonable
00:13:37
not to be confident. So here's how I
00:13:39
want this to feel for you. I want you to
00:13:40
visualize what's the thing that you're
00:13:42
so scared of that you wish you had
00:13:44
confidence in order to confront it. And
00:13:46
now I want you to picture it like this.
00:13:47
This is how you actually confront fear.
00:13:49
You say, "Okay, here's this thing that
00:13:50
I'm really terrified of, right? Maybe
00:13:52
it's a conversation I'm gonna have with
00:13:53
my spouse. Maybe it's I'm going to tell
00:13:55
my parents I'm not going to college.
00:13:57
Maybe it's I'm going to fire somebody in
00:13:59
my company." Whatever it is, instead of
00:14:01
trying to meditate or trying to affirm
00:14:04
or trying to manifest the fear away, you
00:14:06
are instead going to say, you know what,
00:14:08
I'm going to take the fear. I'm going to
00:14:09
put it all in my purse and I'm going to
00:14:11
take it with me to wherever I go and
00:14:12
whatever I do. So, I'm not going to try
00:14:14
and get rid of it. In fact, I'm going to
00:14:15
try and take it with me because I'm
00:14:17
still going to go do the thing. I'm
00:14:19
going to have the fear with me. It's
00:14:20
just like my little friend in my purse.
00:14:21
I know it's there. I feel it. It's like
00:14:23
in my stomach. It's like in my body. I
00:14:25
don't like it necessarily, but I'm going
00:14:27
to take it with me and I'm going to do
00:14:28
the thing anyways. And that is how I
00:14:30
approach everything in life. I'm not
00:14:31
confident because I don't have fear. I'm
00:14:33
confident because I do things despite
00:14:35
the fear. Here's the thing. Building
00:14:36
confidence is the first step to getting
00:14:38
anything you want in life and learning
00:14:40
the formula for how to build confidence
00:14:42
that you just learned this video. But
00:14:43
maybe now you want to take that and you
00:14:44
want to apply that to some other
00:14:46
specific areas of your life. And if
00:14:47
that's the case, if you want to learn
00:14:48
how to lead yourself better, if you want
00:14:50
how to learn how to lead people better,
00:14:52
you can go ahead and you can watch this
00:14:53
video on the five skills that you need
00:14:55
to do
