This is what "real self-care" looks like | Code Switch

00:39:49
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liStHJ4Pjt8

Resumo

TLDRPodcastul discută despre provocările moderne, inclusiv crizele globale și personale și modul cum reacționăm la acestea. Autoarea explorează conceptul de 'faux self-care' (autoîngrijire falsă) față de 'real self-care' (autoîngrijire autentică). Faux self-care se referă la soluții rapide, cum ar fi meditația sau curele de detoxifiere, care nu adresează problemele profunde și sistemice ale societății. În contrast, real self-care presupune decizii interne și schimbări în modul de viață, fiind esențială stabilirea limitelor, dezvoltarea compasiunii de sine, clarificarea valorilor și înțelegerea acestei abordări ca o formă de putere personală. Exemple de femei faimoase care au practicat real self-care sunt discutate, ilustrând cum au gestionat ele presiunea societală pentru a da prioritate sănătății lor mentale și bunăstării. Podcastul subliniază că, deși sistemul economic actual profită de pe urma promovării falsei autoîngrijiri, reîntoarcerea la valorile individuale și la deciziile personale este crucială pentru adevărata schimbare și bunăstare sustenabilă.

Conclusões

  • 🔍 Faux self-care nu rezolvă problemele sistemice.
  • 🧘‍♂️ Real self-care necesită introspecție și decizii personale.
  • 🚫 Limitele sunt esențiale pentru autoîngrijire autentică.
  • 💪 Real self-care este o formă de putere personală.
  • 🌱 Clarificarea valorilor ajută la orientarea vieții.
  • 👩‍⚕️ Discuții despre sănătate mentală sunt vitale.
  • 🤝 Real self-care are un impact comunitar pozitiv.
  • 🔗 Compasiunea de sine este cheie.
  • 💼 Contextul economic influențează alegerile de autoîngrijire.
  • 🌍 Femeile de culoare se confruntă cu presiuni suplimentare în sistem.

Linha do tempo

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    Introducere despre presiunea din lume și cum gazda codului ne împărtășește metoda personală de a face față stresului, care include practica Reiki virtual, pentru a obține o stare de bine energetică într-o lume haotică.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    Gazda menționează Dr. Puja Lakshman, care explică diferența dintre ceea ce este adevărata îngrijire de sine și ceea ce este considerat în mod eronat îngrijire de sine. Sistemele sistemice precum capitalismul toxic și supremația albă sunt factorii contribuie la presiune.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    Dr. Lakshman introduce conceptul de „faux self-care” care constă în acțiuni de suprafață care mențin status quo-ul fără a adresa cauzele externe ale stresului și presiunii. Acțiuni precum cursuri de yoga sau liste de recunoștință sunt exemple de astfel de practici.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    Adevărata îngrijire de sine se axează pe reflectarea la propriile valori și decizii de viață, precum și pe stabilirea limitelor și auto-compasiune. Procesul durează ani întregi și necesită luarea de decizii interne critice.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:25:00

    Este discutată experiența personală a Dr. Lakshman cu sistemul de sănătate și cum a realizat că adevărata îngrijire de sine necesită mai mult decât curenții ideali de wellness. Reconcilierea personală și asumarea responsabilității sunt esențiale.

  • 00:25:00 - 00:30:00

    Importanța stabilirii limitelor și impactul pe care acestea îl au, mai ales în contextul femeilor de culoare care sunt adesea supuse sarcinilor neplătite și presiunilor sistemice de muncă.

  • 00:30:00 - 00:39:49

    Exemple de îngrijire de sine autentice vin de la figuri proeminente precum atletele Naomi Osaka și Simone Biles, care au prioritizat sănătatea mentală asupra carierei lor, arătând puterea și sacrificiul implicat în adevărata îngrijire de sine.

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Perguntas frequentes

  • Ce este faux self-care?

    Faux self-care se referă la metode de autoîngrijire care sunt prescripții externe și nu abordează problemele sistemice reale.

  • Cum definită Dr. Puja Lakshman faux self-care?

    Faux self-care este definită ca metode prescrise din exterior, cum ar fi meditația sau cursurile de yoga, care nu schimbă sistemele mari ce cauzează stres.

  • Care sunt principiile autoîngrijirii reale, conform Dr. Lakshman?

    Cele patru principii sunt: stabilirea limitelor, dezvoltarea compasiunii de sine, clarificarea valorilor și înțelegerea că această formă de autoîngrijire este o formă de putere.

  • De ce este faux self-care populară, conform podcastului?

    Popularitatea faux self-care este atribuită economiei care încurajează soluții rapide și consum de produse în loc să rezolve problemele sistemice.

  • Cum a ajutat-o pe Michaela abordarea autoîngrijirii reale?

    Michaela a reușit să își gestioneze mai bine sănătatea mentală prin stabilirea limitelor în familie și prin solicitarea unui concediu medical de la muncă.

  • Care este diferența între autoîngrijirea reală și cea falsă?

    Autoîngrijirea reală implică decizii interne și transformări pe termen lung, pe când cea falsă este adesea o scăpare temporară.

  • Cum poate cineva afla ce înseamnă autoîngrijirea reală pentru ei?

    Autoîngrijirea reală este un proces personal, implicând introspecție și decizii făcute pe baza valorilor proprii.

  • De ce este importantă discuția despre autoîngrijire pentru femeile de culoare?

    Pentru că atunci când femeile de culoare consideră că problema este la ele, nu mai contestă status quo-ul și impactul sistemelor opresive.

  • Ce reprezintă un pas important în autoîngrijirea reală?

    Stabilirea limitelor este un pas crucial, deoarece ajută la crearea spațiului necesar pentru îngrijirea de sine.

  • Cum ajută conștientizarea propriilor valori în procesul autoîngrijiri?

    Clarificarea valorilor ajută la luarea deciziilor importante în viață, asigurând că acestea reflectă ceea ce este cu adevărat semnificativ pentru individ.

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    hey everyone you're listening to code
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    switch I'm ba
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    Parker okay so is it just me or is it a
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    stressful time right now there are Wars
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    all that chaos out there we still need
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    to get through each day go to work take
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    care of ourselves and our people so I
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    want to share with you all my small way
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    of
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    coping
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    so safe space I do
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    raiki and not just any raiki virtual
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    raiki we're still in the pandemic people
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    so once a week I meet a lady over zoom
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    and she sends energy into my chakras so
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    we are slated to do 30 minutes together
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    I sit on my couch light my candle and
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    place my crystals and then this nice
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    woman on the screen angles her hands
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    towards the camera setting an
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    intention while I feel this warm static
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    travel through my crown and down my back
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    a lot of energy just ped through Reiki
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    you know is actually an ancient healing
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    technique it was popularized in Japan
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    but it has roots in many other cultures
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    and even though a lot of people in the
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    US think of it as kind of woo
  • 00:01:57
    woo I guess with all all of the madness
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    in the world that half an hour feels
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    nice it's nice to get my energy cleansed
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    ignoring my neighbor's toddler stomping
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    on the floor above me or the police
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    sirens outside my window or the backtack
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    meetings I sometimes have from 10:00
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    a.m. to 5:00 p.m. it's my form of
  • 00:02:23
    self-care oh I think it is or at least I
  • 00:02:27
    thought it
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    was
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    I like to say that you can't meditate
  • 00:02:32
    your way out of a 40-hour work week with
  • 00:02:35
    no child care without health insurance
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    without access to actual real systemic
  • 00:02:42
    support that's Dr Puja lman she's a
  • 00:02:45
    psychiatrist specializing in women's
  • 00:02:47
    mental health and the founder and CEO of
  • 00:02:50
    Gemma which is a women's mental health
  • 00:02:52
    education platform and she's the author
  • 00:02:54
    of a new book called real self-care
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    crystals cleanses and bubble baths not
  • 00:03:00
    included so today on the show what is
  • 00:03:03
    real self-care what's not real
  • 00:03:06
    self-care and why the difference is
  • 00:03:08
    crucial especially to women of color
  • 00:03:11
    because when you believe that the
  • 00:03:13
    problem is inside of you then you don't
  • 00:03:16
    question the status quo we're going to
  • 00:03:19
    start with the fake selfcare to do that
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    unfortunately I have to take you all
  • 00:03:24
    back to a dark depressing time that I
  • 00:03:26
    think we all rather
  • 00:03:28
    forget so uh in like 2020
  • 00:03:33
    2021 I like the rest of the world was
  • 00:03:35
    going through a rough patch mhm and I
  • 00:03:38
    was stressed with work with the news
  • 00:03:39
    with life and a lot of people told me I
  • 00:03:44
    needed to
  • 00:03:45
    prioritize self-care MH and so like I
  • 00:03:49
    tried everything like I tried meditating
  • 00:03:52
    breath work I did Edibles I went into
  • 00:03:55
    centry deprivation tank like I did raiki
  • 00:03:58
    but like nothing was worth working and
  • 00:04:00
    I'm I was still really stressed but in
  • 00:04:02
    your book you're making the argument
  • 00:04:04
    that none of that is actually self-care
  • 00:04:07
    right so yes with a caveat yes so you
  • 00:04:11
    know buying a new day planner and
  • 00:04:13
    signing up for a meditation class isn't
  • 00:04:15
    going to change the fact that 30 million
  • 00:04:17
    Americans are uninsured and that um you
  • 00:04:21
    know a quarter of American workers don't
  • 00:04:23
    have paid sick days or you know the fact
  • 00:04:26
    that if you're a black woman you have to
  • 00:04:27
    work for 19 months to make the same
  • 00:04:30
    amount of money that a white man will
  • 00:04:33
    make in 12 months right so all of the
  • 00:04:35
    systemic things whether we're talking
  • 00:04:36
    about white supremacy whether we're
  • 00:04:38
    talking about you know toxic capitalism
  • 00:04:42
    patriarchy right all these different
  • 00:04:44
    things so the meditation apps the bubble
  • 00:04:48
    baths the sensory deprivation tanks um
  • 00:04:51
    all that stuff is kind of sold to us as
  • 00:04:55
    the
  • 00:04:56
    solution but it doesn't act actually fix
  • 00:05:01
    any of the real external problems that
  • 00:05:05
    have caused us to feel so terrible to
  • 00:05:07
    begin with in the book you define it but
  • 00:05:10
    how do you define quote unquote fake
  • 00:05:12
    self-care yeah so I call it fo selfcare
  • 00:05:16
    self fo self-care and I conceptualize
  • 00:05:19
    faux self-care as the methods so it's
  • 00:05:23
    always going to be something that's
  • 00:05:24
    prescribed from the outside like you
  • 00:05:26
    mentioned people telling you you know
  • 00:05:28
    you need to do selfcare you need to
  • 00:05:30
    meditate you need to go to yoga you need
  • 00:05:32
    to make your gratitude list so it's
  • 00:05:34
    prescribed from the outside it's usually
  • 00:05:36
    a noun so it's usually describing some
  • 00:05:39
    sort of activity or a product it's
  • 00:05:42
    something to buy or something to do
  • 00:05:45
    right um and it usually maintains the
  • 00:05:49
    status quo in your relationships or in
  • 00:05:52
    your family life or in your workplace
  • 00:05:55
    and it doesn't actually do anything to
  • 00:05:57
    change any of these larger systems so
  • 00:06:00
    that's like that's the Crux of it like
  • 00:06:02
    it maintains the status quo in your life
  • 00:06:06
    and usually especially for women and for
  • 00:06:09
    people of color it's typically an escape
  • 00:06:13
    and and we can come back to this it's
  • 00:06:14
    not that escape is bad but it's it's an
  • 00:06:17
    Escape so that you can get away from all
  • 00:06:20
    of the terribleness that's going on or
  • 00:06:23
    sometimes it can end up being something
  • 00:06:25
    that actually gets turned into an
  • 00:06:28
    achievement me
  • 00:06:30
    it just you just reminded me there was a
  • 00:06:32
    few years where I was obsessed with um
  • 00:06:34
    spin
  • 00:06:36
    classes and then I realized I was so
  • 00:06:38
    mean to myself during the spin classes
  • 00:06:41
    that I thought it was like making me
  • 00:06:43
    better but it was also just making me
  • 00:06:44
    feel really bad about myself well yeah
  • 00:06:47
    and that's a really great point so the
  • 00:06:48
    other thing with faux self-care
  • 00:06:50
    especially when it's something that gets
  • 00:06:52
    equated with achievement is it usually
  • 00:06:55
    comes with guilt and shame either guilt
  • 00:06:58
    and shame when you don't get to it when
  • 00:07:00
    you miss a day right or uh that you're
  • 00:07:03
    not doing it well enough right and so
  • 00:07:06
    you know the perfect example is the
  • 00:07:08
    woman who comes into my practice and
  • 00:07:09
    it's just like well Dr lexman you know
  • 00:07:11
    I'm burnt out I'm stressed out I'm not
  • 00:07:13
    eating well I'm not sleeping well and I
  • 00:07:15
    feel like it's my fault right because I
  • 00:07:18
    know I'm supposed to be going to yoga
  • 00:07:20
    and that's exactly what you described
  • 00:07:23
    with sort of like the spin you know when
  • 00:07:26
    you believe that it's that thing that's
  • 00:07:28
    going to fix all of your problems then
  • 00:07:32
    that gets turned into another measuring
  • 00:07:35
    stick yeah that you're using to judge
  • 00:07:37
    yourself and also to beat yourself up
  • 00:07:41
    yeah but then why do you think faux
  • 00:07:44
    self-care is so
  • 00:07:46
    appealing yeah um if you don't mind I'm
  • 00:07:49
    going to be a little bit ragy here by
  • 00:07:51
    all means please do well because um the
  • 00:07:56
    entire US economy is built on the unpaid
  • 00:07:59
    or underpaid labor of women and
  • 00:08:02
    particularly women of color of black
  • 00:08:04
    women of brown women um of immigrants of
  • 00:08:08
    people who are less than in the cast
  • 00:08:10
    system so we are living in an economy
  • 00:08:14
    that is incentivized to have us believe
  • 00:08:18
    that the solution to our problems is to
  • 00:08:23
    buy something or to work
  • 00:08:26
    harder because when you believe that the
  • 00:08:30
    problem is inside of you then you don't
  • 00:08:33
    question the status quo you don't ask
  • 00:08:36
    yourself well why doesn't my employer
  • 00:08:40
    give me paid sick days off right why
  • 00:08:43
    don't we have paid parental leave in
  • 00:08:45
    America why is it so hard to find a
  • 00:08:48
    therapist who takes insurance and is
  • 00:08:51
    accepting new patients right so the
  • 00:08:55
    reason that self-care is something
  • 00:08:59
    that we have hoisted on to the
  • 00:09:03
    individual is really tied up
  • 00:09:06
    in not only
  • 00:09:09
    capitalism as a system but also white
  • 00:09:12
    supremacy um you know I specialize in
  • 00:09:15
    women's mental health so all my patients
  • 00:09:17
    are people who identify as women so a
  • 00:09:19
    lot of my patients are mothers or
  • 00:09:21
    caretakers whether that's taking care of
  • 00:09:22
    like little kids or whether that's
  • 00:09:24
    taking care of your aging parents right
  • 00:09:26
    um so I do think that it's really
  • 00:09:29
    important to think about how much we
  • 00:09:34
    devalue hair work yes and emotional
  • 00:09:37
    labor and all the things that are
  • 00:09:40
    invisible um so getting back to the
  • 00:09:42
    original question the real work of
  • 00:09:45
    self-care is actually
  • 00:09:47
    invisible and it takes a really long
  • 00:09:50
    time and it's not something that you can
  • 00:09:54
    measure or check off on a list and so
  • 00:09:57
    therefore like the shortcut right is to
  • 00:10:00
    just believe that like well I can just
  • 00:10:02
    like buy this packet of pretty beige
  • 00:10:05
    branded vitamins that's being shoved in
  • 00:10:08
    my face on Instagram every day if I buy
  • 00:10:12
    that and it's delivered in 24 hours
  • 00:10:14
    right like that'll fix my problems um as
  • 00:10:17
    opposed
  • 00:10:19
    to investing in the longer
  • 00:10:23
    term
  • 00:10:25
    risky work of looking at how am I living
  • 00:10:29
    my life like what's really important to
  • 00:10:31
    me how do I learn how to set boundaries
  • 00:10:35
    in my relationships right all that stuff
  • 00:10:37
    that's the real kind of internal work um
  • 00:10:40
    that's so much harder because you know
  • 00:10:43
    we're like living in this system where
  • 00:10:45
    people just you don't have time so it's
  • 00:10:47
    like you're drowning and when you're
  • 00:10:48
    drowning you just want that life raft
  • 00:10:50
    right you just want the thing that's
  • 00:10:52
    just going to make you feel better
  • 00:10:53
    immediately and that's what the faux
  • 00:10:55
    self-care is so so I want to also just
  • 00:10:57
    say I don't want to anybody to feel
  • 00:11:00
    ashamed for the ways in which you turn
  • 00:11:04
    to whether it's like the bubble baths
  • 00:11:06
    whether it's like the sensory
  • 00:11:08
    deprivation tank right like all these
  • 00:11:10
    different things the Manny petties
  • 00:11:13
    um because like usually you're coming
  • 00:11:16
    there out of desperation and maybe this
  • 00:11:18
    is a good spot for me to share a little
  • 00:11:19
    bit about my personal experience um
  • 00:11:23
    about a decade ago I had my very own
  • 00:11:26
    deeply heartbreaking experience with
  • 00:11:29
    wellness and at that time I was in my
  • 00:11:31
    late 20s um and and I'm a child of
  • 00:11:34
    immigrants my parents are South Asian
  • 00:11:36
    and they came here from India and you
  • 00:11:37
    know I did all the things that a good
  • 00:11:38
    Indian girl was supposed to do I went to
  • 00:11:41
    Ivy League College I got into med school
  • 00:11:45
    became a doctor got married and found
  • 00:11:48
    myself in my second year of Psychiatry
  • 00:11:50
    residency at a really prestigious Place
  • 00:11:52
    having kind of checked off all the
  • 00:11:53
    things that I was supposed to do I found
  • 00:11:56
    myself like really lost you know I was
  • 00:11:58
    kind of like okay well now I'm allowed
  • 00:12:00
    to figure out to be how to be happy and
  • 00:12:02
    I didn't know how and then I also was
  • 00:12:05
    really angry and confused by the modern
  • 00:12:10
    medical system and sort of what I was
  • 00:12:12
    being taught as a
  • 00:12:14
    psychiatrist you know I was seeing
  • 00:12:16
    things like patients coming in and you
  • 00:12:18
    know someone who's unhoused right and
  • 00:12:22
    what they really need is housing but all
  • 00:12:24
    I can do is prescribe medication right
  • 00:12:27
    or another patient who's like losing her
  • 00:12:29
    job because she doesn't have child care
  • 00:12:31
    and all again all I can do is prescribe
  • 00:12:32
    medication or do Psychotherapy with her
  • 00:12:34
    but I can't fix these systemic problems
  • 00:12:36
    and I realized that was a very naive way
  • 00:12:39
    of looking at becoming a doctor that I
  • 00:12:41
    believed that I could fix those problems
  • 00:12:44
    and anyway so I was very angry and so I
  • 00:12:47
    basically just destroyed my life I left
  • 00:12:49
    my marriage I moved into a wellness
  • 00:12:51
    commune in San Francisco pretty quickly
  • 00:12:54
    after that I dropped out of my residency
  • 00:12:56
    but by the end of that two years I
  • 00:12:58
    realized that I just been running away
  • 00:13:00
    from my problems and that there's no um
  • 00:13:04
    even in the wellness world or the
  • 00:13:07
    spiritual World quote unquote spiritual
  • 00:13:09
    world you know there are just as many
  • 00:13:11
    hypocrisies and inconsistencies as in
  • 00:13:15
    mainstream medicine and that there's no
  • 00:13:18
    shortcut actually for doing the hard
  • 00:13:20
    work of making really hard decisions in
  • 00:13:23
    your own life like you can't Outsource
  • 00:13:26
    any of that and whether it is you know a
  • 00:13:29
    juice cleanse or a diet or a coach or
  • 00:13:33
    you know whatever the kind of like
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    latest Wellness fad is you're never
  • 00:13:38
    going to be able to find your
  • 00:13:40
    answers through somebody else it it
  • 00:13:43
    always just has to come down to you in
  • 00:13:45
    your own life making your own choices
  • 00:13:48
    and that's what real self-care
  • 00:13:51
    is we come back we're going to talk
  • 00:13:54
    about pua's four principles of real
  • 00:13:56
    self-care learning to set a boundary is
  • 00:14:00
    the only way that you can ever make
  • 00:14:02
    space for yourself and what practicing
  • 00:14:05
    that actually looks like in the real
  • 00:14:07
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    I'm Parker this is cod switch and I'm
  • 00:16:15
    back with Dr Pua lakshman and we're
  • 00:16:18
    finally going to talk about her
  • 00:16:19
    definition of real self-care I think
  • 00:16:22
    what is different about this work is
  • 00:16:24
    framing it in the context of our
  • 00:16:26
    oppressive systems yeah yeah and that
  • 00:16:29
    very much comes from folks like Audrey
  • 00:16:32
    Lord right one of my favorite quotes of
  • 00:16:35
    hers is actually what I use at the very
  • 00:16:37
    front of the book for the Master's tools
  • 00:16:39
    will never dismantle the Master's house
  • 00:16:42
    they may allow us temporarily to beat
  • 00:16:44
    him at his own game but they will never
  • 00:16:46
    enable us to bring about genuine change
  • 00:16:50
    MH so I can't tell you the answer for
  • 00:16:53
    what your real self-care is because
  • 00:16:56
    everybody's real self-care is is
  • 00:16:58
    completely different but I have to say
  • 00:17:00
    that's such a psychologist answer I love
  • 00:17:01
    that so much I can't give you I can't
  • 00:17:04
    tell you what to
  • 00:17:06
    do as like as a therapy girl I'm like o
  • 00:17:09
    that I feel that well and it's important
  • 00:17:12
    right because I think that like part of
  • 00:17:14
    the reason that we get caught up in the
  • 00:17:17
    wellness stuff is because someone is
  • 00:17:20
    when it's not a therapist or a
  • 00:17:22
    psychiatrist talking to you it is
  • 00:17:24
    somebody usually who's saying here's the
  • 00:17:25
    thing that you should do and here's the
  • 00:17:27
    step-by-step way and there might be some
  • 00:17:29
    pieces of that that's useful right but
  • 00:17:31
    in reality everybody has a different
  • 00:17:34
    answer right yeah um so the four
  • 00:17:37
    principles of real self-care um and I'm
  • 00:17:40
    going to also just say upfront like
  • 00:17:42
    these aren't anything revolutionary so
  • 00:17:44
    the four principles are setting
  • 00:17:46
    boundaries and learning to deal with
  • 00:17:48
    guilt so that is step one and the reason
  • 00:17:51
    why that is step one or principle one is
  • 00:17:54
    because learning to set a boundary and
  • 00:17:58
    and coming to terms with your guilt
  • 00:18:02
    about that boundary is the only way that
  • 00:18:05
    you can ever make space for yourself so
  • 00:18:07
    that has to be principle one principle
  • 00:18:10
    two is developing self-compassion and
  • 00:18:13
    when I talk about self-compassion what I
  • 00:18:15
    mean is the way that you talk to
  • 00:18:18
    yourself like actually paying attention
  • 00:18:21
    to how you talk to yourself that's
  • 00:18:23
    principle two principle three is getting
  • 00:18:25
    clear on your values and we can come
  • 00:18:28
    back to this because it's an important
  • 00:18:29
    one um this is the decision- making
  • 00:18:31
    right that you were just talking about
  • 00:18:32
    Parker like this is this is the hard
  • 00:18:35
    part right this is the I mean it's all
  • 00:18:36
    hard let's be clear but like this is the
  • 00:18:39
    part where it's like the Crux of like
  • 00:18:41
    you you need to use an internal lens to
  • 00:18:45
    make the big choices in your life who
  • 00:18:47
    who are you going to choose as your life
  • 00:18:48
    partner are you going to have a life
  • 00:18:50
    partner um what's your job what is your
  • 00:18:53
    career what do you really want for your
  • 00:18:55
    life do you want that to change are you
  • 00:18:57
    happy in that oh my it's 11:30 in the
  • 00:19:00
    morning and those all of those questions
  • 00:19:02
    just stressed me I'm so sorry I'm so
  • 00:19:04
    sorry well that's why you got to do the
  • 00:19:05
    boundaries and the self-compassion first
  • 00:19:08
    and then you can come to those values
  • 00:19:10
    questions and here's the other thing
  • 00:19:12
    there is not one right answer to any of
  • 00:19:14
    those questions and you will not know
  • 00:19:17
    the answers in a week a month or even a
  • 00:19:21
    year right like the real self-care
  • 00:19:23
    process is one that takes years and
  • 00:19:25
    years because there's always going to be
  • 00:19:27
    new questions
  • 00:19:29
    right every twist and turn in your life
  • 00:19:31
    every transition there's going to be
  • 00:19:33
    another new thing so I think what I like
  • 00:19:35
    to do I think when you're in that place
  • 00:19:37
    of like H there's so much I have to
  • 00:19:40
    figure out instead of believing that
  • 00:19:42
    there's going to be one right answer
  • 00:19:44
    that's like handed down remind yourself
  • 00:19:47
    that it's
  • 00:19:48
    actually hundreds and thousands of small
  • 00:19:51
    decisions that's going to get you to
  • 00:19:54
    your answers M and that takes some of
  • 00:19:56
    the pressure off I think hopefully it's
  • 00:19:59
    not adding to your stress but I think
  • 00:20:00
    it's like there's less of this like well
  • 00:20:02
    I need to make the right choice and more
  • 00:20:04
    of like no there's actually just
  • 00:20:05
    thousands of small different micro
  • 00:20:07
    decisions that you're going to make and
  • 00:20:09
    that's what you're doing as you're
  • 00:20:10
    moving through boundaries and
  • 00:20:11
    self-compassion and even values and then
  • 00:20:14
    the fourth piece the fourth principle is
  • 00:20:16
    that this is actually power like this is
  • 00:20:19
    power and if you were somebody that has
  • 00:20:22
    privilege if you are somebody who has
  • 00:20:24
    lighter skin if you have Financial
  • 00:20:26
    Resources if you are able Ed um knowing
  • 00:20:30
    that the power that you get from this
  • 00:20:32
    that you have a responsibility to put it
  • 00:20:34
    back into your communities um that's the
  • 00:20:38
    last principle like really coming back
  • 00:20:40
    to how we Center self-care real
  • 00:20:45
    self-care an
  • 00:20:46
    [Music]
  • 00:20:50
    agency um you're a psychiatrist and in
  • 00:20:54
    your book you write about many of your
  • 00:20:56
    different patients and what they're
  • 00:20:57
    going through and you work with them to
  • 00:21:00
    create a different
  • 00:21:02
    framework so can you tell us about
  • 00:21:04
    Michaela and her situation in the book
  • 00:21:06
    yeah absolutely um so Michaela was a
  • 00:21:10
    patient that came to originally see me
  • 00:21:12
    for her obsessive compulsive
  • 00:21:15
    disorder um and so we treated that with
  • 00:21:17
    Psychotherapy and with medication and
  • 00:21:20
    during the course of working together um
  • 00:21:22
    her dad got really sick and so she ended
  • 00:21:26
    up well it was was actually her mom
  • 00:21:28
    passed away but then her dad was also
  • 00:21:30
    not doing well so her dad had to move in
  • 00:21:31
    with her basically and so she had two
  • 00:21:33
    teenage daughters and um was
  • 00:21:34
    co-parenting with her ex-husband and
  • 00:21:37
    prior to this happening prior to this
  • 00:21:39
    crisis in her life through kind of
  • 00:21:41
    working together she was really excited
  • 00:21:44
    to start to put more energy and time
  • 00:21:47
    into herself and had signed up for these
  • 00:21:49
    like Community classes and but then this
  • 00:21:51
    crisis happened she's a black woman she
  • 00:21:53
    came from a family of all brothers and
  • 00:21:55
    like she was always the caretaker right
  • 00:21:57
    she never set boundaries in her family
  • 00:21:59
    she was always the one to kind of Step
  • 00:22:01
    In do the thing take care of everything
  • 00:22:04
    lend people money plan on the holidays
  • 00:22:06
    right and so this all kind of came to a
  • 00:22:08
    head while we were working together and
  • 00:22:10
    her OCD got a lot
  • 00:22:12
    worse so what her decision- making you
  • 00:22:16
    know was she actually decided to take a
  • 00:22:18
    risk and take a leave of absence from
  • 00:22:20
    her job um a medical leave during that
  • 00:22:24
    time was able to um you know see me more
  • 00:22:27
    regular L we were able to get a handle
  • 00:22:29
    on her anxiety also figure out a plan
  • 00:22:32
    for taking care of her father and and
  • 00:22:34
    asking actually her brothers for some
  • 00:22:36
    money to chip in um all these different
  • 00:22:38
    pieces but you know the fear of making
  • 00:22:41
    that choice especially as a black woman
  • 00:22:43
    she was really worried about how she
  • 00:22:45
    would be perceived whether she would
  • 00:22:46
    lose her job whether she would you know
  • 00:22:48
    not get that next promotion right all
  • 00:22:51
    this stuff and then what actually ended
  • 00:22:53
    up happening is through this process
  • 00:22:56
    when she came back and she connected
  • 00:22:58
    with another person at her workplace who
  • 00:23:00
    actually had a family member with OCD a
  • 00:23:02
    kid and they started these little kind
  • 00:23:05
    of like
  • 00:23:06
    um talks at work that were kind of a
  • 00:23:10
    support space for others at the company
  • 00:23:13
    who were dealing with mental health
  • 00:23:15
    issues and when she was up for like her
  • 00:23:17
    next performance review she actually was
  • 00:23:20
    praised for this and um and they started
  • 00:23:23
    kind of like something that was similar
  • 00:23:24
    to like an ERG where she actually got
  • 00:23:26
    some funding for okay and so the thing
  • 00:23:29
    that she was really worried about that
  • 00:23:32
    would hold her back and that she would
  • 00:23:34
    be penalized for ended up actually being
  • 00:23:37
    something that was fully celebrated in
  • 00:23:39
    her
  • 00:23:40
    workplace and none of that would have
  • 00:23:42
    happened unless
  • 00:23:44
    she like the first thread in all of that
  • 00:23:48
    for her was starting to set boundaries
  • 00:23:50
    inside her family
  • 00:23:53
    actually so I guess I want to say two
  • 00:23:55
    things on that you know there's parts of
  • 00:23:57
    the book book where I I have these
  • 00:23:59
    little sections where like that are sort
  • 00:24:00
    of like yeah sounds great but which is
  • 00:24:02
    like my patients who are like yeah
  • 00:24:04
    sounds great Dr luxman like okay awesome
  • 00:24:06
    but like my employer is never going to
  • 00:24:07
    like do that for me you know my family
  • 00:24:10
    is terrible they're not gonna you know
  • 00:24:12
    and so I'm not saying that it all works
  • 00:24:14
    out great like you know she still is has
  • 00:24:17
    struggles right it's this is all hard
  • 00:24:19
    stuff but I think that and especially if
  • 00:24:22
    you're somebody who is a person of color
  • 00:24:23
    or in particular a black person in
  • 00:24:26
    Corporate America we do know that you
  • 00:24:29
    will be penalized right like that's not
  • 00:24:31
    imaginary right that's not in your head
  • 00:24:34
    like that's a very real thing so you
  • 00:24:37
    have to figure out when is it worth
  • 00:24:40
    taking the risk and
  • 00:24:43
    um what are the potential costs of the
  • 00:24:47
    risk and there will be times where it's
  • 00:24:49
    not worth it and there will be other
  • 00:24:51
    times where it is so when I talk about
  • 00:24:53
    boundaries actually it's worth
  • 00:24:55
    clarifying here um
  • 00:24:58
    so my definition of boundaries is a
  • 00:24:59
    little bit different I think about
  • 00:25:02
    boundaries as the
  • 00:25:04
    pause and then you can say yes you can
  • 00:25:07
    say no or you can negotiate and then in
  • 00:25:10
    the case of Michaela it's like doing the
  • 00:25:12
    calculus of like okay yeah my mental
  • 00:25:14
    health is really really bad and yeah
  • 00:25:18
    it's a risk for me to ask for this leave
  • 00:25:20
    but if I don't I'm probably going to
  • 00:25:22
    deteriorate to the point where like I
  • 00:25:25
    might get fired yeah because 's this
  • 00:25:28
    great line right in one of your chapters
  • 00:25:31
    it's like our entire system is built on
  • 00:25:34
    the premise that women's time especially
  • 00:25:36
    the time of black and brown women
  • 00:25:38
    doesn't belong to them and setting
  • 00:25:40
    boundaries is how to take time energy
  • 00:25:44
    and attention back and that really
  • 00:25:46
    struck with me and I was like oh no um
  • 00:25:50
    and I really love the examples that you
  • 00:25:53
    gave of two black female athletes Nomi
  • 00:25:56
    oaka and Simone biles mhm for those who
  • 00:26:00
    need a reminder Naomi Osaka is a
  • 00:26:02
    professional tennis player Simone biles
  • 00:26:05
    is one of the most decorated American
  • 00:26:07
    Olympic gymnasts and they both stepped
  • 00:26:09
    away from their Sports at very
  • 00:26:11
    high-profile moments in 2021 like when I
  • 00:26:14
    win I don't feel happy I feel more like
  • 00:26:17
    a relief um and then when I lose I feel
  • 00:26:22
    very sad and I don't I don't think
  • 00:26:25
    that's normal but I I think I'm going to
  • 00:26:29
    take a break from playing for a while I
  • 00:26:33
    say um put mental health first because
  • 00:26:36
    if you don't then you're not going to
  • 00:26:37
    enjoy your sport and you're not going to
  • 00:26:39
    succeed as much as you want to could you
  • 00:26:41
    tell us about how you see them as
  • 00:26:43
    practicing real
  • 00:26:44
    self-care yeah yeah so for both of those
  • 00:26:50
    spectacular female athletes on one hand
  • 00:26:52
    you can think of it as like oh these are
  • 00:26:54
    huge Superstars you know they have tons
  • 00:26:57
    of money Etc but on the other hand the
  • 00:26:59
    way that I think of it as a psychiatrist
  • 00:27:01
    as W these are two young black women who
  • 00:27:05
    have the weight of the world on their
  • 00:27:07
    shoulders like in so many people
  • 00:27:10
    depending on them to bring in money
  • 00:27:12
    right and he such high expectations that
  • 00:27:15
    other people have and and that they have
  • 00:27:17
    I would imagine they have for their
  • 00:27:18
    careers and then to step back and say
  • 00:27:21
    you know what my mental health matters
  • 00:27:23
    my mental health is the most important
  • 00:27:25
    thing and to do that on a global stage
  • 00:27:29
    while all the eyes are
  • 00:27:31
    watching you know I don't again I don't
  • 00:27:34
    know anything about their own internal
  • 00:27:35
    processes but that looked so much like
  • 00:27:39
    real self-care to me and that also I
  • 00:27:41
    feel like was just
  • 00:27:43
    such a poignant example of the power
  • 00:27:47
    Dynamic there these are again two young
  • 00:27:50
    black women athletes um and and there's
  • 00:27:53
    plenty of non-black folks who are making
  • 00:27:56
    lots of money off of their performances
  • 00:27:59
    right and again but for them to say like
  • 00:28:02
    I matter I matter and I'm going to trust
  • 00:28:06
    that I can come back and I can do
  • 00:28:10
    whatever I want right that that this
  • 00:28:12
    isn't a failing like that this is power
  • 00:28:14
    to do this yeah the thing with real
  • 00:28:17
    self-care is there
  • 00:28:19
    is a cost like there's like an emotional
  • 00:28:23
    cost sometimes monetary cost societal
  • 00:28:26
    cost and there is
  • 00:28:29
    also Ian you have these high-profile
  • 00:28:31
    people like Naomi Osaka and Simone BOS
  • 00:28:34
    who are out here doing real self-care
  • 00:28:37
    knowing what the like you say weighing
  • 00:28:38
    the
  • 00:28:39
    risks um and I think about someone who
  • 00:28:43
    may not be in like the spotlight or in a
  • 00:28:47
    like even me I'm in a position of
  • 00:28:48
    privilege where I can say no to certain
  • 00:28:51
    things or be like I'm going to take the
  • 00:28:53
    afternoon off and go see John Wick or
  • 00:28:55
    something like I think about about
  • 00:28:57
    people who are in a less privileged
  • 00:29:00
    situation is it possible for them to
  • 00:29:03
    exercise real self-care I think it is um
  • 00:29:07
    I think it looks different everywhere in
  • 00:29:10
    every different sort of station of life
  • 00:29:13
    um when
  • 00:29:15
    I talk about this question the thing
  • 00:29:18
    that always comes to mind for me is when
  • 00:29:20
    I was a medical student and I know that
  • 00:29:23
    obviously even being able to be a
  • 00:29:25
    medical student in America is a hugely
  • 00:29:27
    privileged position to be in and the
  • 00:29:32
    reason that I use it as an example is
  • 00:29:34
    because I felt at that time like I had
  • 00:29:37
    zero choices and I was at the bottom of
  • 00:29:39
    the ladder because I was in the medical
  • 00:29:41
    hierarchy and this was back in like 200
  • 00:29:46
    Nish maybe um and I was a third-year med
  • 00:29:49
    student on my surgery rotation at a
  • 00:29:51
    hospital in North Philly um and my team
  • 00:29:54
    didn't know my name what yeah yeah like
  • 00:29:57
    it was just like hey med
  • 00:29:59
    student you know can you grab this yes
  • 00:30:02
    and so for me in that time of my life
  • 00:30:05
    real self-care was asking to be called
  • 00:30:07
    by my
  • 00:30:08
    name oh and that's why boundaries are a
  • 00:30:11
    pause right you take the pause and then
  • 00:30:13
    you yeah like you might be working three
  • 00:30:15
    jobs and you might have to work three
  • 00:30:17
    jobs in order to make ends me and there
  • 00:30:20
    isn't a place that you feel like you can
  • 00:30:22
    say no yet right but if a boundary is
  • 00:30:26
    the pause at least you can take that
  • 00:30:27
    pause and start to think briefly of like
  • 00:30:31
    okay what needs to change so that I
  • 00:30:34
    could get to a place to say no and
  • 00:30:38
    usually that is something economic and
  • 00:30:40
    usually that is something that is social
  • 00:30:44
    and Collective yeah um but I just want
  • 00:30:46
    to ask like when you're pushing for
  • 00:30:48
    something like saying your actual name
  • 00:30:52
    I'm getting called your name is that
  • 00:30:54
    changing the overall Dynamic cuz it
  • 00:30:56
    Doesn't
  • 00:30:58
    feel 100% that way that's a good
  • 00:31:01
    question I mean the medical system still
  • 00:31:03
    is absolutely terrible and abusive and
  • 00:31:05
    traumatic so no me saying my name did
  • 00:31:08
    not go very far but for me personally
  • 00:31:13
    that was part of a journey of figuring
  • 00:31:15
    out deciding to become a psychiatrist
  • 00:31:17
    too right so you don't know where it's
  • 00:31:20
    going to kind of take you in terms again
  • 00:31:23
    that's why real self-care isn't
  • 00:31:24
    prescriptive and why I keep saying that
  • 00:31:26
    it's sort of like it's a thousand small
  • 00:31:28
    decisions it's not just like one big
  • 00:31:30
    thing you right that the problems
  • 00:31:34
    affecting women of color are structural
  • 00:31:37
    like I've been in positions where like
  • 00:31:39
    the microaggressions come at you left
  • 00:31:41
    and right and and you're trying to like
  • 00:31:44
    there's like pay issues there's like all
  • 00:31:46
    of these things are really in our
  • 00:31:47
    control but these changes need to be
  • 00:31:51
    internal and have you found ways to kind
  • 00:31:54
    of circle that square how can you Circle
  • 00:31:57
    that square yeah you know I have
  • 00:32:01
    probably a depressing answer to this um
  • 00:32:04
    I'll take
  • 00:32:05
    it which is I don't I have probably lost
  • 00:32:11
    faith in sort of the establishment like
  • 00:32:14
    I think the answers have to come from
  • 00:32:16
    people that are outside of the
  • 00:32:19
    systems um because I think inside the
  • 00:32:22
    system whether we're talking about
  • 00:32:24
    healthc care academics whether we're
  • 00:32:26
    talking about
  • 00:32:27
    law banking whatever all the different
  • 00:32:30
    Industries um when you're inside the
  • 00:32:34
    system as a person of color the cost of
  • 00:32:39
    trying to change that particular system
  • 00:32:41
    is so so high yeah on your own mental
  • 00:32:45
    health it's funny that the self-care
  • 00:32:47
    that you're talking about does seem
  • 00:32:49
    deeply communal and not the classic like
  • 00:32:53
    quote unquote self that we think of yeah
  • 00:32:57
    because real self-care is interpersonal
  • 00:33:00
    and communal I know we hear a lot about
  • 00:33:03
    Community Care and maybe in writing this
  • 00:33:07
    book it's a little bit of a troan horse
  • 00:33:09
    in that I feel like more people will
  • 00:33:11
    read it when it's
  • 00:33:13
    called real
  • 00:33:15
    self-care as opposed to calling it
  • 00:33:17
    Community Care even though what I am
  • 00:33:19
    really speaking to is taking care of
  • 00:33:21
    each other too but I think that you got
  • 00:33:26
    to take care of yourself first like that
  • 00:33:29
    has to be step one I mean again it's
  • 00:33:33
    it's so
  • 00:33:35
    hard it it it involves like maybe five
  • 00:33:38
    extra brain cells that I don't know if I
  • 00:33:40
    have right now it's also for lack of a
  • 00:33:44
    better word it's not it's like it's not
  • 00:33:46
    sexy how do we like you give me like
  • 00:33:49
    bath salts if you give if you give me
  • 00:33:52
    like one of those like huge like I got a
  • 00:33:54
    bath bomb for my birthday that's like
  • 00:33:56
    the shape of the like the Earth like
  • 00:33:58
    things like that how do you sell this
  • 00:34:01
    version of self-care to the people who
  • 00:34:04
    need it the most yeah yeah are you
  • 00:34:06
    telling me do I'm doing a terrible job
  • 00:34:08
    of selling it right now no you're doing
  • 00:34:10
    great you're doing great I me it's still
  • 00:34:13
    a little Bleak but that's kind of what
  • 00:34:15
    you expect cuz like you also like you
  • 00:34:17
    say like you start at the idea that we
  • 00:34:19
    suffer and we try to improve this like
  • 00:34:22
    despite the suffering so already we're
  • 00:34:26
    this bleak but it's okay I'm already I'm
  • 00:34:28
    with you well you know what like I think
  • 00:34:31
    my answer to that would be that I'm not
  • 00:34:34
    trying to sell it like I think you come
  • 00:34:38
    to it when you've done everything else
  • 00:34:40
    and it hasn't worked right and this is
  • 00:34:43
    like this is you need a
  • 00:34:47
    companion to get through right and maybe
  • 00:34:51
    what I'll say is I don't have the
  • 00:34:52
    solution like all the answers and all
  • 00:34:54
    the solutions what I do have is the
  • 00:34:56
    begin beginning of a new
  • 00:34:59
    conversation that's what this is it's
  • 00:35:01
    not the answer it's the beginning of a
  • 00:35:03
    conversation and I think you're asking
  • 00:35:04
    me like is it even worth having this
  • 00:35:06
    conversation and like I'm just saying
  • 00:35:08
    yes yes
  • 00:35:13
    yes okay my last question is my raiki
  • 00:35:17
    real self-care or faux
  • 00:35:20
    self-care I don't know about whether
  • 00:35:22
    like there's anything actually specific
  • 00:35:25
    about that specific thing but to me this
  • 00:35:29
    actually sounds like the practice of
  • 00:35:33
    taking that time out having it once a
  • 00:35:36
    week having it feel like it's something
  • 00:35:37
    that you're doing for yourself is the
  • 00:35:42
    value yeah so then I would wonder if you
  • 00:35:46
    can you figure out a way to do that for
  • 00:35:51
    yourself that's not raiki but that is
  • 00:35:54
    maybe looking at places in your life
  • 00:35:56
    where you want to set a boundary and
  • 00:35:59
    giving yourself maybe 30 minutes to
  • 00:36:02
    think about what is that boundaries
  • 00:36:04
    practice going to look like what is that
  • 00:36:05
    first thing that you're going to set a
  • 00:36:06
    boundary with now you made it less
  • 00:36:09
    [Laughter]
  • 00:36:12
    fun right it's it is less fun it is less
  • 00:36:15
    fun but it's putting it back into your
  • 00:36:18
    own
  • 00:36:22
    hands that's Dr Pua lakshman she's a
  • 00:36:25
    practicing psychiatrist and the author
  • 00:36:27
    of the new book real self-care crystals
  • 00:36:29
    cleanses and bubble baths not
  • 00:36:38
    included and that's our show you can
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Etiquetas
  • autoîngrijire
  • faux self-care
  • real self-care
  • limite
  • compasiune de sine
  • valori personale
  • sănătate mentală
  • sisteme opresive
  • femei de culoare
  • capitalism