Why Is an Ordinary Life Not Good Enough Anymore? – Alain De Botton

00:08:01
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KDB42qGT-8

Summary

TLDRIn today's society, people's worth is often unjustly judged based on their material wealth and career achievements, which may lead to self-esteem issues and mental health problems. The video criticizes the prevailing culture where ordinary lives are undervalued compared to extraordinary accomplishments. It suggests that the pursuit of wealth is not about materialism per se, but rather about obtaining respect and love. Achievements are often seen as arbitrary indicators of success, and the pressure to 'succeed' as defined by external standards can lead to dissatisfaction and serious mental health issues, like depression. The speaker applauds societies that accept ordinary lives and cautions against the dangers of meritocracy, emphasizing that ordinary should not mean deficient. The notion that everyone must be exceptional is likened to self-torture.

Takeaways

  • 🌍 Society often judges individuals based on material wealth and job status.
  • 💔 Many people pursue wealth primarily to gain love and respect, not out of material desire.
  • 🚲 An ordinary life should be valued, and lack of ambition isn't necessarily a flaw.
  • 📚 Ambition is prevalent yet can lead to mental health issues if aspirations are too high.
  • 🇩🇰 Danish society is noted for embracing the ordinary, reducing stigma around failure.
  • 🎯 The pressure to be exceptional can lead to self-esteem problems and even suicide.
  • 🧠 The culture of extreme ambition may contribute to mental health epidemics.
  • 🤔 Meritocracy implies those at the bottom deserve their status, fostering harsh self-criticism.
  • ❤️ True contentment comes from simple joys and personal connections, not wealth.
  • ✅ Accepting failure and ordinariness as part of life can lead to better mental well-being.

Timeline

  • 00:00:00 - 00:08:01

    In our society, the first question asked at meetings is often 'What do you do?' based on which a person is judged, revealing a world of snobbery where worth is linked to one's job and financial success. Material accumulation is seen as a gateway to respect and love, not the material objects themselves. This is likened to a misunderstanding of greed, where people perceived as greedily seeking material wealth are, in reality, expressing a deep need for love and respect that they don't find in ordinary ways.

Mind Map

Video Q&A

  • What is the main topic of the video?

    The video explores how society values people based on material wealth and emphasizes the importance of accepting an ordinary life.

  • What does the speaker suggest about materialistic values?

    The speaker argues that we are not truly materialistic but value material wealth as a means to gain respect and love.

  • How does the speaker view ambition?

    While a bit of ambition is seen as positive, excessive ambition is viewed as potentially dangerous to mental health.

  • What does the speaker say about living an ordinary life?

    The speaker believes that an ordinary life is fulfilling and warns against the societal pressure to be extraordinary.

  • How does the speaker describe Danish society?

    Danish society is applauded for creating a supportive environment for 'losers,' implying a community that embraces the ordinary.

  • What is the problem with meritocracy, according to the speaker?

    Meritocracy can lead to harsh self-judgment, as failure is seen as a personal flaw rather than an unfortunate circumstance.

  • How does the speaker relate material wealth to self-worth?

    Material wealth is often seen as a conduit to love and respect, affecting one's self-worth and esteem.

  • What danger does the speaker associate with current societal values?

    The speaker warns about an epidemic of mental health issues arising from unrealistic societal expectations.

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  • 00:00:01
    [Music]
  • 00:00:10
    the first question we're likely to
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    encounter in a new
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    meeting with somebody is what do you do
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    and according to how you answer that
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    question
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    you'll either be you know praised and
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    become a subject of interest
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    or you'll be left alone by the peanuts
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    and this
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    suggests to me that we live in a world
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    of snobs and a snob
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    is really anyone who takes a small part
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    of you
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    and uses that to come to a universal and
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    rigid sense of who you are
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    and how much you matter and the kind of
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    snobbery
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    that is dominant in the world today is
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    not around
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    bloodlines or lineage or your closeness
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    to the queen of england as it used to be
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    but what job you have and in particular
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    how
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    impressive your powers of financial
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    accumulation are
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    and according to that criteria people
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    will judge you immediately
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    so it's sometimes said that we live in a
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    materialistic world
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    i don't think we live in a materialistic
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    world we simply live in a world
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    where material accumulation has become
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    the gateway
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    to the respect and love that we all
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    crave
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    it's not really the riches
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    and the you know fast cars etc that we
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    crave
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    it's the honor and love if you like
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    that they are a conduit to that they are
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    perhaps the only conduit to
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    and that's that's a different way of
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    looking at so-called greed the next time
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    you drive
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    those time you walk down the road and
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    you see somebody driving a ferrari don't
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    think
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    this is somebody who's greedy who's
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    materialistic
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    think first and foremost this is
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    somebody with an incredibly intense need
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    for love
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    who has not been able to find the honor
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    and respect they need
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    in normal ways and therefore they're
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    needing
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    so much more stuff in order to feel they
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    have the right to exist
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    if you can deal with just riding a bike
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    through town
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    and that's okay something's gone right
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    in your past if you're a parent
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    and your child has no ambition to become
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    famous you're doing something right
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    because that means
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    that that person is able to deal with
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    being them
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    without too much other stuff look i
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    think
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    one of the most beautiful but also
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    dangerous ideas
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    it's an american idea is the notion that
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    anyone can achieve
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    anything right and we hear these
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    messages from everywhere that is the
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    spirit of our times
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    it's a beautiful message but it's a
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    dangerous message
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    because if you really believe in a world
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    where you can do
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    anything and you've only done a bit
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    you've only done something
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    my goodness how crushed you will feel
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    the possibilities for humiliation are so
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    much greater now
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    if you go to an american bookshop and
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    you look at the self-help section there
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    are basically two kinds of books on that
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    shelf
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    the first kind is books telling you how
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    to make a million dollars in an
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    afternoon
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    and the other books are books telling
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    you how to cope with what they call
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    low self-esteem and the two are totally
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    related if you live in a culture that's
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    telling you how to make a million
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    dollars in an afternoon
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    you can have a massive self-esteem
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    problem because how can you achieve
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    esteem of yourself
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    when you're going to be part of the 99
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    not the 1
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    most of us are going to have an ordinary
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    life so what have we done
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    building a world in which an ordinary
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    life is not good enough
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    this is crazy this is a form of self
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    torture
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    we've now created a life where an
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    ordinary life
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    is materially more comfortable than it's
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    ever been
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    an ordinary life you're going to get a
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    good car you're going to be able to have
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    a bath every night
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    you're going to have a roof over your
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    head you're going to have pretty
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    nourishing food right
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    so materially an ordinary life is
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    terrific
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    but then we've put a snake in the grass
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    we've ruined paradise
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    that we've built and our ancestors have
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    built for ourselves
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    by telling ourselves that actually
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    contrary to everything we hoped for
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    actually an ordinary life is
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    psychologically not good enough it's not
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    good enough just to drive an ordinary
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    car and have an ordinary house
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    and have an ordinary bath once a day and
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    have an ordinary meal no that's not good
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    enough
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    you need to be extraordinary become mark
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    zuckerberg become somebody else
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    right this is a kind of torture that
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    we've imposed on ourselves
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    we're insane how have we made a life
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    where the the statistical odds of you
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    leading that life the 99
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    surety that you will lead that life has
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    come to seem like a humiliation and the
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    wrong sort of life
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    this is setting yourself up for disaster
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    the danish
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    are clever the danes have built a
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    society for themselves i was in denmark
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    recently
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    they've built a society for losers right
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    they have understood unlike the
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    americans or the brits
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    that most of us are going to be losers
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    so they've made sure that schools for
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    losers
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    are going to be fantastic and trains for
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    losers are going to be beautiful and
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    kindergarten's for losers i'm using the
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    word loser
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    with irony i'm using the word loser to
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    define
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    actually all of us the 99
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    are going to be we are all of us almost
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    fated and in every area
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    in every area of life we will encounter
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    failure we're fated to be ordinary
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    and an ordinary life is a good life and
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    let's not torture ourselves
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    that the only way to be good enough is
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    to be extraordinary this is
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    poison and look you know don't get me
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    wrong
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    a bit of ambition is fantastic a bit of
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    get up and go is fantastic
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    we're not in any danger of being
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    unambitious
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    the danger now is suicide i'm putting it
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    at its darkest
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    the danger is that we will feel so
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    inadequate in relation to the
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    expectations placed upon us
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    that we may choose to end our own lives
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    and this happens in
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    huge numbers we are suffering from an
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    epidemic
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    of mental unwellness largely bred by the
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    expectation that our lives will be
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    stellar when in fact they are far more
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    likely only to be ordinary
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    our lack of acceptance of ourselves has
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    made us sick
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    meritocracy is based on the idea that
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    people will get what they deserve
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    if you really believe in a world in
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    which those who get to the top deserve
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    to get to the top
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    you're going to be believing in a world
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    in which those who are at the bottom
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    deserve to be there
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    so being poor and so-called unsuccessful
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    moves from being a problem to being
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    a condemnation of your society on you
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    you know you move from being an
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    unfortunate to being a loser
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    and it's incredibly punitive so no
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    wonder people take that
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    very badly and they do so we don't need
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    any more reminders from general patton
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    or anyone else
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    to get up and go and be a winner we know
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    that that's in our dna now as modern
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    human beings
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    we've had that message and it's making
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    us sick
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    we know it's so well we know it too well
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    and we need to hear another message and
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    that message is
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    you're okay it's okay it's okay to fail
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    it's okay to be ordinary it's okay not
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    to know what's going on
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    it's okay to be lost in the universe
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    most of whose recesses will always be
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    darkness to us
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    that's all of it okay and
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    joy is not gonna be making 10 million
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    dollars joy is going
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    to be a drink with a friend joy is going
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    to be a meal that turns out okay
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    joy is going to be a day at the end of
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    which no one's died there's been no
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    crisis it's been more or less all right
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    love is not going to be perfection love
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    is going to be occasionally
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    a hand held by somebody who understands
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    bits of you never the whole of you
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    but has charity towards your darkest
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    moments you know
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    that is the life we're going to lead and
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    let that be okay
Tags
  • snobbery
  • materialism
  • ambition
  • ordinary life
  • mental health
  • meritocracy
  • self-worth
  • society