Dr. Daniel Amen's Simple Tip to Change the Dynamic in any Relationship

00:07:47
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zylP9F8cIVM

Summary

TLDRIn this conversation, a powerful technique for enhancing relationships with children and grandchildren is discussed by Therapist Dr. Aon. It centers on the crucial skill of positive reinforcement, wherein individuals are encouraged to focus more on the positive aspects of their children's behavior rather than the negatives. The discussion is illustrated through a true story involving a troubled teenager, Jesse, and her journey of transformation influenced by her interactions with Dr. Aon. He uses a metaphor involving a penguin performing tricks to explain how focusing on what one likes in another person can change behavior positively. Dr. Aon narrates how Jesse's strained relationship with her mother was partly due to the mother's untreated ADHD. By adopting a strategy of noticing and rewarding positive behavior, Jesse began to see improvements in her relationship with her mother, highlighting the significant impact of positive attention on relationships. This mirrors a broader life lesson about individual power to influence relationships positively.

Takeaways

  • 🔑 Focus on what you like about your children.
  • 🐧 Use positive reinforcement effectively.
  • 💡 Personal power can change relationships.
  • 🌟 Notice and reward positive behaviors.
  • 💬 Teach kids to appreciate positive traits in others.
  • 🧠 Manage personal mental health for better parenting.
  • 👩‍👧 Shape behaviors by attention focus.
  • 📈 One person's change can improve a relationship.
  • 🔍 Pay attention to personal interactions.
  • ✨ Influence others positively.

Timeline

  • 00:00:00 - 00:07:47

    The key to improving relationships with children and grandchildren is to notice and focus on what you like about them rather than what you don't. A story about Jesse, a troubled teenager, illustrates this lesson. At 14, Jesse was struggling with depression, self-harm, and failure in school. Through dietary changes and supplements, she improved significantly by 16. However, her problematic relationship with her mother, who had untreated ADHD and often criticized Jesse, remained an issue. The therapist recognized the mother's behavior as a classic ADHD conflict-seeking pattern but struggled to convince her to seek help, thus impacting Jesse's mental well-being.

Mind Map

Video Q&A

  • What is the key to improving relationships with children according to Dr. Aon?

    The key is to notice and focus on what you like about them more than what you dislike.

  • What was Jesse's initial situation when she met Dr. Aon?

    Jesse was 14, had run away from home, was self-harming, and failing in school.

  • How does Dr. Aon illustrate the power of positive reinforcement?

    He shares a story about a penguin trainer who rewards the penguin for good behavior, teaching the importance of noticing and reinforcing positive actions.

  • What role did Jesse's mother's untreated ADHD play in their relationship?

    It caused her to pick on Jesse to stimulate her brain, a conflict-seeking behavior that drove Jesse away.

  • What change did Jesse implement to improve her relationship with her mother?

    Jesse started noticing and appreciating positive behavior from her mother while not overreacting to negative behavior.

  • What concept does Dr. Aon use to teach Jesse about influencing behavior?

    Dr. Aon suggests using positive reinforcement and personal power, similar to how a trainer shapes behaviors.

  • Why does Dr. Aon collect penguins?

    He collects penguins as a reminder to focus on what he likes about people rather than what he dislikes.

  • What message does Dr. Aon emphasize about relationships?

    It is often possible for one person to improve a relationship by focusing on and reinforcing positive aspects, rather than both parties needing to change.

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  • 00:00:00
    core conversation number six the one
  • 00:00:04
    secret to dramatically improving your
  • 00:00:07
    relationships with your children and
  • 00:00:09
    grandchildren is to notice what you like
  • 00:00:12
    about them much more than what you don't
  • 00:00:15
    like I first met Jesse when she was 14
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    because she'd run away from home was
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    cutting herself and failing in school
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    now at 16 she was doing great her brain
  • 00:00:29
    which was initially troubled had
  • 00:00:31
    dramatically improved with diet and
  • 00:00:35
    supplements her grades were better and
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    she was much more stable I was so
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    pleased with her progress until one day
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    she stormed into my office sat on my
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    couch and told me that she hated her
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    mother and was running away from home
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    and I couldn't stop her in the time I'd
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    been seeing Jesse I'd gotten to know her
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    family really well it was clear to me
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    that her mother had untreated ADHD and
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    she tended to pick on Jesse as a way to
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    stimulate her own brain conflict seeking
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    behavior is very common among people
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    with untreated
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    ADHD I tried to convince her mother to
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    get help but she wouldn't have it now
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    she was driving her daughter away to
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    raise mentally strong kids you need to
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    take care of your her own brain in the
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    middle of Jesse's rant she turned her
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    anger on me and said tell me Dr Aon why
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    does a grown man collect
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    penguins in my office at the time I had
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    hundreds of penguins pretty much any
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    type of penguin that you could imagine
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    from penguin pens dolls puppets a
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    penguin vacuum even a penguin Weather
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    Vein I laughed and said I've been seeing
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    you for two years and you're just now
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    noticing the Penguins let me tell you
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    this story a long time ago when my son
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    Anthony was seven he was difficult for
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    me and we did not have a good
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    relationship I overworked and he tended
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    to be argumentative and oppositional I
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    often felt sad and was mad at him a lot
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    at the time I was in my child psychiatry
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    training program in Hawaii when I told
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    my supervisor about the frustrations she
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    suggested I spend more one-on-one time
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    with him so that weekend I took him to a
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    place called Sea Life Park on aahu we
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    had a great day together and watch the
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    killer whales perform the dolphins dance
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    and the sea lions balance balls on their
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    noses at the end of the day Anthony
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    wanted to see the fat Freddy show and it
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    changed my life life and his forever fat
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    Freddy was a short fat humbl penguin
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    when he came on stage he looked around
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    and then climbed the steps to a
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    high-diving board he waddled to the end
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    of the board and then jumped into the
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    water when he got out he bowled with his
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    nose counted with his flier and then
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    jumped through a hoop of fire I had my
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    arm around my son and we felt close and
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    we're having a good time toward the end
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    of the show the trainer asked Freddy to
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    go get something and Freddy went and got
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    it and immediately brought it right back
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    that was when time Stood Still for me I
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    thought I asked this kid to get
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    something for me and he wants to have a
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    discussion for about 20 minutes and then
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    he doesn't want to do it and I knew my
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    son was smarter than the penguin after
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    the show I went up to the trainer and
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    asked her how she got Freddy to do all
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    those really cool things the trainer
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    looked at my son and then she looked at
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    me and said unlike parents whenever
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    Freddy does anything like what I want
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    him to do I notice him I give him a hug
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    and then I give him a fish and even
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    though my son didn't like raw fish the
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    light turned on in my head that whenever
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    he did things I like I paid no attention
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    to him at all because like my own father
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    I was a busy guy but when he didn't do
  • 00:04:37
    what I wanted him to do I gave him a ton
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    of attention because I didn't want to
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    raise bad kids by focusing on what was
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    wrong I was teaching him to be bad in
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    order to get my attention so I collect
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    Penguins as a way to remind myself to
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    notice what I like about the important
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    people in my life a lot more than what I
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    don't like imagine if Freddy was having
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    a bad day and didn't do what the trainer
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    wanted him to do and the trainer
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    screamed at him hit him or just ignored
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    him Freddy's performance would not get
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    better it would get worse as I finished
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    telling the story I told Jesse that I
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    had this really crazy idea
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    that she probably didn't want to hear
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    Jesse could be a little oppositional so
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    if I started by saying you probably
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    don't want to hear this she will of
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    course say J to hear what if we trained
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    your mother to be less angry and less
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    likely to pick on
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    you I'm listening she said I know this
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    will be hard but whenever your mother
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    starts in on you I want want you to not
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    overreact don't challenge her or get
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    emotional at that point Jesse's eyes got
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    big I don't think I can do that hold on
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    but whenever she is nice to you listens
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    to you is more appropriate with you I
  • 00:06:15
    want you to tell her how much you love
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    and appreciate her Jesse was starting to
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    understand like the trainer shaped
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    Freddy's Behavior she could influence
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    her mother's Behavior by noticing what
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    she liked a lot more than what she
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    didn't like I was teaching Jesse
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    personal power clearly Jesse knew how to
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    push her mother's buttons with a look or
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    a word she could send her mother into
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    orbit but if she had that power she also
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    had the power to calm things down and
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    make them better that night I got a text
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    from Jesse that she decided not to run
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    away from home a week
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    later she said our plan was
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    working two weeks later when I saw her
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    again she said things were much better
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    and she brought me a penguin for my
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    collection I know you've heard the
  • 00:07:15
    phrase it takes two to make a
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    relationship better it's just not my
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    experience as a psychiatrist when I
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    teach my patients even the kids how
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    powerful they are they realize they can
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    clearly make make things better with
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    their loved ones or they can make them
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    worse notice what you like about your
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    kids and grandkids way more than what
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    you don't and teach your kids to notice
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    what they like about others too
Tags
  • relationships
  • positive reinforcement
  • ADHD
  • family
  • behavior change
  • personal power
  • parenting
  • attention
  • communication
  • conflict resolution