ATTRACT HER INSTANTLY, Just DO THIS - Chris Williamson x Dr. Robert Glover
Summary
TLDRThe video delves into the complexities of relationships, focusing on the significance of emotional tension and the roles of dominance and submission in attraction. The speaker argues that nice guys often misinterpret female attraction by failing to recognize the need for polarity, which includes elements of both dominance and submission. Through personal anecdotes, the speaker illustrates how understanding these dynamics can lead to more fulfilling and balanced partnerships. He emphasizes the importance of being authentic, overcoming anxiety, and nurturing connections with other men to improve one's relationship skills and overall well-being.
Takeaways
- 💞 Relationships are complex and require understanding.
- 🔄 Attraction involves polarity: dominance and submission are key.
- 🌬️ Emotional tension keeps relationships engaging.
- 👠 Strong women may prefer to be led at times.
- 🗣️ Authenticity is crucial for connection.
- 🕺 Nice guys often misunderstand what women want.
- ➕ Establishing boundaries is vital for healthy relationships.
- 🤝 Building a tribe of men can enhance personal growth.
- 💬 Communication styles differ significantly between genders.
- 🎭 Playfulness can alleviate relationship tension.
Timeline
- 00:00:00 - 00:05:00
The video begins by discussing the importance of relationships as the foundational aspect of human experience. It highlights how emotional connection to work is often lacking, and stresses that true attraction between males and females relies on the balance of dominance and submission. This polarity is crucial for attraction; without it, relationships may lack excitement, leading to questions about individuals' ability to connect or attract each other. The speaker shares personal anecdotes about relationships, emphasizing that while women can be strong and independent, they often seek partners who can take charge and lead in certain contexts.
- 00:05:00 - 00:10:00
Moving deeper into the discussion, the speaker clarifies the concept of leading versus controlling in relationships. He emphasizes that men need to set the tone by expressing their desires and guiding the flow of interaction, rather than being overly submissive. This nuanced approach allows partners to engage in a dance of leadership and followership, fostering deeper emotional connection. The speaker also touches upon emotional tension—stating that women often need this tension to feel attraction, as it creates an intense connection that men might struggle to understand. Men usually prefer closure and resolution, while women may thrive in emotional tension.
- 00:10:00 - 00:15:00
A further examination of emotional tension reveals that, generally, women often seek emotional drama—conflict and resolution—which keeps them engaged and connected. The speaker critiques the misconception that being 'nice' equates to attraction, noting that this behavior can unintentionally create distance. Rather, men should embrace emotional tension, which can come from assertive and playful engagement, fueling attraction. He highlights that emotional tension is often mismanaged by men who try to alleviate discomfort instead of embracing it, ultimately hurting their chances of connection.
- 00:15:00 - 00:20:00
The discussion shifts to how movie narratives reflect these differing experiences of tension and resolution. The speaker explains that while men may prefer stories with quick resolutions, women often enjoy prolonged emotional tension, keeping them engaged in the narrative. He uses the example of romantic comedies, noting how men usually desire closure by the end while women relish in the unfolding drama. This difference illustrates a fundamental aspect of masculine and feminine dynamics, where emotional tension becomes a vehicle for connection.
- 00:20:00 - 00:25:00
As the conversation progresses, the speaker addresses the challenges faced by women after they have felt overworked and emotionally burdened in masculine roles throughout their day. When they come home, women often want to vent but also seek engaging leadership from their partners, guiding them toward a more relaxed emotional state. He suggests that men should set boundaries around listening and redirect conversations to maintain a balance that encourages a reconnecting with the feminine energy.
- 00:25:00 - 00:30:00
Transitioning to strategies for men to embody authentic self-expression, the speaker advises against overly cautious behavior. He encourages spontaneity and honesty—allowing humor and impulses to emerge without fear. This authenticity, rooted in confidence, supports deeper connections instead of creating an overly controlled or anxious persona that can detract attraction. He shares personal anecdotes illustrating that honest spontaneity can lead to unexpected positive engagement in romantic interactions.
- 00:30:00 - 00:37:11
Finally, the speaker outlines key practices for men striving to overcome 'nice guy' tendencies, emphasizing the importance of connecting with safe individuals, recognizing one's own needs, establishing boundaries, and fostering relationships with other men. By creating supportive communities and learning through authentic interactions, men can begin moving past their fears, embrace their authentic selves, and cultivate fulfilling relationships.
Mind Map
Video Q&A
What is the main theme of the video?
The video explores the dynamics of relationships, attraction, and emotional tension.
What do nice guys not understand about female attraction?
They often don't realize that attraction involves polarity, which includes elements of dominance and submission.
How can emotional tension impact a relationship?
Emotional tension can create attraction and keep partners engaged with each other over time.
What role does dominance and submission play in relationships?
They are essential for creating polarity, which is necessary for attraction.
Why is authenticity important for men in relationships?
Being authentic helps men express themselves genuinely and connect better with their partners.
View more video summaries
- 00:00:00all right so getting into getting into
- 00:00:01relationships which are obviously I
- 00:00:03think Ground Zero for a lot of this
- 00:00:05stuff you know you can kind of hide
- 00:00:07things away from yourself when it's on
- 00:00:09your own and you're in and out of work
- 00:00:11and all the rest of it not everybody is
- 00:00:13emotionally connected with the work and
- 00:00:15not everybody's emotionally connected
- 00:00:16with how organized their source cupo is
- 00:00:19relationships real Ground Zero what do
- 00:00:23nice guys not understand about how
- 00:00:25female attraction works for there to be
- 00:00:28attraction they has to be a polarity and
- 00:00:31polarity involves dominance and
- 00:00:33submission I know those are evil
- 00:00:35terrible words you know uh because we
- 00:00:38think about dominant man you know making
- 00:00:40women be submissive you're you're in a
- 00:00:42safe space here I'm not I'm not sweating
- 00:00:45it uh but yeah it is all it is going out
- 00:00:47on the internet which is fine you know
- 00:00:49and what's happened is the polarity is
- 00:00:50just switched where the females have
- 00:00:53become Domin the dominant players and
- 00:00:55the guys have become the the submissive
- 00:00:57players and then the the women go how
- 00:01:00come I can't find a guy that turns me on
- 00:01:02and the guys you're going how come I
- 00:01:04can't seem to turn women on well it's
- 00:01:06it's is revers the polarity you you
- 00:01:09can't have polarity that's attraction
- 00:01:11without dominance and submission and the
- 00:01:14more subtle it is the more subtle the
- 00:01:15attraction is the more blatant it is
- 00:01:17tends to be the more intense the
- 00:01:19attraction is we've probably all
- 00:01:20experienced that in one way or another I
- 00:01:23tell people you can't have sex without
- 00:01:24dominance and submission otherwise there
- 00:01:26two bodies lying next to each other
- 00:01:28waiting for something to happen you know
- 00:01:30you got yeah yeah yeah fight you gotta
- 00:01:32have a top and bottom you gotta have a
- 00:01:33pitcher and catcher right there's got to
- 00:01:35be a polarity now the beauty is that
- 00:01:39polarity can you can flip it around you
- 00:01:42know back and forth and I think in very
- 00:01:45conscious
- 00:01:46relationships that that happens
- 00:01:48beautifully my my wife's very strong she
- 00:01:50grew up eight out of 10 kids in poverty
- 00:01:52in guadalahara Mexico alcoholic father
- 00:01:55got beat on by family members beat on by
- 00:01:58neighbors you know abused by family
- 00:02:00members abused by priests you know she
- 00:02:02she's been through you know she goes to
- 00:02:04the gym two hours a day she can out
- 00:02:06squat me easily she's done my thigh I I
- 00:02:09don't I don't piss her off um you know
- 00:02:12she can get [ __ ] done I grew up in a
- 00:02:14middle class whitebred neighborhood of
- 00:02:16Seattle Washington surrounded by Boeing
- 00:02:19engineer families you know just you know
- 00:02:22I I never had to fight for anything okay
- 00:02:24so she's tough but she doesn't she's
- 00:02:27always told me I love it when you tell
- 00:02:29me no she goes I she goes I I don't want
- 00:02:31to be in charge I don't want you to
- 00:02:32always ask me what what you know what do
- 00:02:34you want to do she she likes it when I
- 00:02:35make we'll walk into a restaurant and
- 00:02:37you know they'll here in Mexico and
- 00:02:39they'll say they'll they'll say should I
- 00:02:40they'll ask her should I get the waiter
- 00:02:42say should I give him a menu in English
- 00:02:44she goes no he lives in Mexico give them
- 00:02:46one in Spanish and I'll say yeah give
- 00:02:48give my wife and kids the menu in
- 00:02:50English and then they hand her a menu
- 00:02:52and she goes no he's my boss he'll order
- 00:02:54for me and they always laugh about that
- 00:02:56and I say yeah I get to be the boss when
- 00:02:58she says I can you know so we got the
- 00:02:59old the whole shtick down but the truth
- 00:03:02is she is strong she's powerful she can
- 00:03:04get [ __ ] done she can kick ass but she
- 00:03:07doesn't want to be in that mode all the
- 00:03:09time she wants to to be led she wants to
- 00:03:12submit she wants to open she wants to be
- 00:03:15done to in in Blissful kinds of ways
- 00:03:18well that's my job right so and even
- 00:03:21though I'm kind of more that I'm I go
- 00:03:23along to get along I you know I'm yeah
- 00:03:26this or that either one's okay with me
- 00:03:28I'm kind of more that way she doesn't
- 00:03:30like it when I'm that way so for her
- 00:03:33she's happy it's when I will play the
- 00:03:35default lead the default decision maker
- 00:03:38but she likes it best when I said here's
- 00:03:40what I was thinking what do you think
- 00:03:43you know I don't just say what do you
- 00:03:45think you know what do you want I'll say
- 00:03:47you know I was thinking a white with a
- 00:03:49little bit of ttin of gray in it what do
- 00:03:51you think you know she wants me to to to
- 00:03:53lead that and then she'll feel the
- 00:03:55polarity and then she'll tell me what
- 00:03:56she thinks or wants and then you say you
- 00:03:58decide okay let's go let's go let's go
- 00:04:01pick out the paint um am I being abusive
- 00:04:04to her by being dominant no I've heard
- 00:04:07so many women tell me when the guy
- 00:04:09leaves it all up to them too compliant
- 00:04:11the women feel burdened by that most are
- 00:04:14in their masculine dominant role all day
- 00:04:17long in their work in their career
- 00:04:19raising children even mothering is a
- 00:04:22masculine dominant state to be in you're
- 00:04:25taking care of kids needs that's not
- 00:04:28feminine you don't then want to have to
- 00:04:29take care of your partner after that
- 00:04:31yeah then then when the guy says oh I
- 00:04:33don't guess you want to have sex tonight
- 00:04:35would you or what do you want for and
- 00:04:37it's just one more thing that they got
- 00:04:38to check off their to-do list yeah they
- 00:04:40don't want that now am I making a
- 00:04:43generalization yeah is it fluid yeah is
- 00:04:46it nuanced yeah is it okay the guy's
- 00:04:49always got to be the dominant the
- 00:04:51woman's but no that's not what I'm
- 00:04:53saying but for for men when I start
- 00:04:55talking about them consciously setting
- 00:04:57the tone and leading in relationship
- 00:05:00when I say that to a nice guy the
- 00:05:03response he usually he he'll ponder it
- 00:05:05and go okay Dr Glover what I hear you
- 00:05:07say when you say take control I go no no
- 00:05:10you did not hear me S say the word take
- 00:05:12control I did not say it I don't believe
- 00:05:15in it I'm talking about you lead you set
- 00:05:18the tone you state what you want where
- 00:05:20you want to go what you want to eat and
- 00:05:22and and give her a chance to follow like
- 00:05:23on the Dance Floor she can't follow
- 00:05:25where you don't lead give her that and
- 00:05:28then be open to discussion be open to
- 00:05:31her taking the you know setting the tone
- 00:05:33and leading but it's not about but guys
- 00:05:35nice guys will say well you know when
- 00:05:37you said take control no is more nuanced
- 00:05:41than that but again so that that that's
- 00:05:44my job is helping guys apply the the
- 00:05:46Nuance that that word of
- 00:05:492024 what is the role of emotional
- 00:05:52tension oh you've done some research um
- 00:05:56yeah that's a cute little wink of the I
- 00:05:58that just just with you I'm
- 00:06:01just I'm just trying to float with you
- 00:06:03yeah I know the girls like it probably
- 00:06:07the boys do too I I I live in a very gay
- 00:06:10community so you know I know how it was
- 00:06:13um okay so the role of emotional tension
- 00:06:16there we go we just had emotional
- 00:06:17tension going on right there
- 00:06:19yep I'm gonna I'm gonna make a
- 00:06:21generalization that doesn't apply to
- 00:06:23everybody but it does seem to apply to a
- 00:06:26lot and this the generalized statement
- 00:06:29is is that in general for women to
- 00:06:32experience attraction say towards a man
- 00:06:36arousal and to stay attached to that man
- 00:06:39over time she has to experience some
- 00:06:42kind of emotional tension she's got to
- 00:06:44feel something the butterflies the this
- 00:06:46the that the drama the does he love me
- 00:06:49doesn't love me and we men can kind of
- 00:06:52understand that a little bit we kind of
- 00:06:53like the tension we feel of go oh she
- 00:06:56she looks nice you know like her boobs
- 00:06:58whatever you know that creates a tension
- 00:06:59for us but in general men don't like
- 00:07:02emotional tension especially in a
- 00:07:04relationship if you even think about you
- 00:07:06know our sporting events where we too
- 00:07:09did our tension they have clocks on them
- 00:07:11you know we know it's going to end at
- 00:07:13this time that's why baseball is falling
- 00:07:15out of favor that's why they put a clock
- 00:07:17on baseball they put the they put the
- 00:07:19pitch clock last year yeah you know that
- 00:07:22problem how many times you can throw it
- 00:07:24first you know because oh we got to have
- 00:07:25it on the clock you know so um so men's
- 00:07:28tension is on the clock oh yeah I I I I
- 00:07:32know this you know this this adventure
- 00:07:34flick I'm watching in the hero this is
- 00:07:36happening I know he's going to get out
- 00:07:38of it and it's gonna be done in 35
- 00:07:39minutes you know it's done we're done
- 00:07:42shoot go home kick back into nothingness
- 00:07:44right the feminine never gets tired of
- 00:07:47tension the feminine if it if it isn't
- 00:07:49feeling tension is Bored it will create
- 00:07:52tension and so that's what's hard for
- 00:07:54men to understand you know we think
- 00:07:56being nice to women will make them be
- 00:07:59attractive to us but nice creates
- 00:08:01absolutely no attention no tension
- 00:08:04really for anybody men or women but we
- 00:08:07think well that's what Mom told me to do
- 00:08:08go be go go be nice to them it's what
- 00:08:10that's what I in junior high all the
- 00:08:12women were complaining about those jerks
- 00:08:14who created tension for them and so I
- 00:08:16listened to her complain about the jerks
- 00:08:18and she kept going back to the jerk even
- 00:08:20after you know I was such a nice
- 00:08:22guy so in general women need that
- 00:08:26emotional tension watch it they create
- 00:08:27it within themselves um and and we guys
- 00:08:31if we have any kind of tension between
- 00:08:32us we'll just have it out maybe we'll
- 00:08:34punch each other and then we'll be done
- 00:08:36we'll go have a beer it's all good you
- 00:08:38know uh we don't need to keep going back
- 00:08:40into that tension state to have a bond
- 00:08:42to have a connection well we'll go do
- 00:08:43something together we may go compete we
- 00:08:46may go bring our aame and leave it all
- 00:08:47on the field but then we walk off arm in
- 00:08:49arm you know so it's just the the the
- 00:08:52the difference between that masculine
- 00:08:53and feminine so the hardest part for men
- 00:08:56to understand is that the women need
- 00:08:58that attention so even when I say wait
- 00:09:01for me I'll open your door and now I
- 00:09:03create a little bit of dominance and she
- 00:09:05waits for me that's tension all right
- 00:09:08it's just a little bit it's a little
- 00:09:09subtle you know even like you know say
- 00:09:12hey put the menu down I'll order for us
- 00:09:14tonight there's tension in that not
- 00:09:16being nice it's actually creating some
- 00:09:18what's he gonna order for is he gonna
- 00:09:20pick something I like do I trust him is
- 00:09:22it gonna be an adventure you know I I
- 00:09:24tell guys and you and you know guys will
- 00:09:27think is game play and it kind of look
- 00:09:29like that and but the the the real thing
- 00:09:31is actually just is how do we get more
- 00:09:33conscious so I'll tell a guy for example
- 00:09:35you know if a woman sends you a message
- 00:09:37text message or calls you and if you
- 00:09:40reply right away or you pick up the
- 00:09:41phone and answer how much tension will
- 00:09:43the woman experience through that well
- 00:09:46well none we've relieved it and soon as
- 00:09:48we answered the phone her tension went
- 00:09:50away but what if you didn't answer it
- 00:09:53what if you called her back in 30
- 00:09:54seconds 45 seconds an hour and she goes
- 00:09:58where were you why didn't you answer
- 00:09:59answer and what if you didn't give her
- 00:10:01an answer to that and she's going why
- 00:10:03didn't he answer what was he doing now
- 00:10:06here's the thing because as guys tend if
- 00:10:09we do have emotional tension we like
- 00:10:11what I call positive emotional tension
- 00:10:13you know it it it feels good to us where
- 00:10:16have for the for women they don't care
- 00:10:19is it positive emotional tension is it
- 00:10:21NE is it pet or is it net negative
- 00:10:23emotional tension they don't care
- 00:10:25emotional tension is emotional tension
- 00:10:27and so you know if it means you know
- 00:10:29them starting a fight you know them
- 00:10:31doing something knows they know's going
- 00:10:32to piss us off it's kind of like they
- 00:10:35don't care they got our attention and
- 00:10:37and that's all that mattered they got
- 00:10:39our attention and there's tension and
- 00:10:41even the thing of guys like listening to
- 00:10:42women talk about their problems I tell
- 00:10:44guys there's a an an inverse negative
- 00:10:48relationship between the amount of time
- 00:10:50a man spends listening to a woman talk
- 00:10:52about her problems and the likelihood
- 00:10:54he's going to get late what you mean it
- 00:10:57means that if you sit and listen to talk
- 00:10:58about her problems you've actually
- 00:11:00relieved all of her tension tension
- 00:11:02flowed completely out of because you
- 00:11:03know she talk she talk she talk all all
- 00:11:05the tension came away and what I tell
- 00:11:07guys is then you end up looking like uh
- 00:11:10her girlfriend with a penis and odds are
- 00:11:12she doesn't want to have sex with her
- 00:11:14girlfriend so anything we do to relieve
- 00:11:17their tension actually works against us
- 00:11:21and robs them kind of like we talked
- 00:11:22about earlier are we going to rob them
- 00:11:24of the joy of doing for us well are we
- 00:11:26going to rob them of the emotional
- 00:11:28tension that they have to have to feel
- 00:11:31to feel something to to want to engage
- 00:11:35you had this fantastic example of how
- 00:11:40emotional tension is enjoyed differently
- 00:11:43by men and women by the story arcs of
- 00:11:47romantic comedies and how men and women
- 00:11:51uh experience experience that can you
- 00:11:53explain that well you mean like you know
- 00:11:56you you take your woman to watch Titanic
- 00:11:58and she Titanic you know she's already
- 00:11:59seen it eight times and she walks away
- 00:12:01with her panties wet thinking how come I
- 00:12:03can't have that and the guy the guy
- 00:12:06checking his watch checking his phone is
- 00:12:08Sports Center on yet how do I get out of
- 00:12:09here I I thought what was particularly
- 00:12:11interesting was you you explaining and
- 00:12:13it really sort of hit home to me that uh
- 00:12:16if you're a man who's watching a
- 00:12:17romantic comedy you see um regulation at
- 00:12:21the beginning everything is is fine then
- 00:12:23you see disregulation something happens
- 00:12:26and everything goes up in the air then
- 00:12:27you see regulation again on like
- 00:12:29middle movie regulation where the the
- 00:12:32couple first starts to get together and
- 00:12:34you're like oh well I mean that's it
- 00:12:35like let's go home the movie's done yes
- 00:12:37done whereas what the woman then wants
- 00:12:39is this protracted oh but the
- 00:12:42ex-girlfriend's back in the picture but
- 00:12:44oh my God he hasn't got his right visa
- 00:12:45and he's going to be deported how are
- 00:12:47they going to keep the relationship
- 00:12:48going and it's just protracted and
- 00:12:50protracted and protracted and protracted
- 00:12:51and then I don't I don't know what it's
- 00:12:53like to be a woman at the end of a
- 00:12:54romcom but it may be unsatisfying for
- 00:12:57there to be a conclusion it's like what
- 00:12:58could we just let's roll it for another
- 00:13:00three hours let's just continue to
- 00:13:01extend this T that's maybe where where
- 00:13:03Bollywood figured it out let's just do
- 00:13:05the wedding scene everybody's dancing to
- 00:13:06a real upbeat song we know it's over but
- 00:13:09now they'll they'll do a part two of it
- 00:13:11right
- 00:13:12um and you
- 00:13:15know women I've been in relationship
- 00:13:17with learned don't take me to a romantic
- 00:13:20comedy I'm sitting there going that is
- 00:13:22so [ __ ] unrealistic that doesn't
- 00:13:24happen in the real world how come every
- 00:13:27guy has a job he doesn't actually have
- 00:13:28to go How come every woman's a fashion
- 00:13:30editor in every one of these yeah I know
- 00:13:33he loves dogs but he lives in this New
- 00:13:35York Loft and makes canoes that's how he
- 00:13:37supports himself come on that's not real
- 00:13:40yes yeah you don't want to go to
- 00:13:42romantic comedy with me because I live
- 00:13:44in the world of could that really be
- 00:13:46real could that really happen do people
- 00:13:48really do that uh no you know that's not
- 00:13:52how the real world works but it creates
- 00:13:54emotional tension and so that's really
- 00:13:57what it is all about it's not about
- 00:13:58reality
- 00:13:59the masculine wants to go resolve all
- 00:14:01the emotional tension to get us back
- 00:14:04into reality so yeah I it's it's really
- 00:14:07hard for me to watch a romantic ComEd
- 00:14:08and just twiddle my thumbs and just not
- 00:14:11not say anything oh was excruciating so
- 00:14:15thinking about this Dynamic that we have
- 00:14:18this emotional tension this amount of of
- 00:14:21of dominance and and uh Direction uh and
- 00:14:25and suggestion that comes from the man
- 00:14:28um there will be women listening and out
- 00:14:31there who enjoy they're writing a Blog
- 00:14:34article about us right now it's fine
- 00:14:36it's fine add it to the list but there
- 00:14:39will be women listening who are maybe a
- 00:14:41little conflicted or there will be men
- 00:14:43who imagine that the woman might be
- 00:14:45conflicted because you say well she
- 00:14:46wants she comes home she's had a
- 00:14:48difficult day at the work because Kelly
- 00:14:50that [ __ ] in the cubicle next door has
- 00:14:52done that thing again that pisses her
- 00:14:54off and the woman wants to be able to
- 00:14:58vent she also wants her man to listen to
- 00:15:00her and it's this odd duality of not
- 00:15:04knowing what's best for us and of the
- 00:15:07things that we want not always being in
- 00:15:09our best interests right and you quoted
- 00:15:12the best onion article which is woman
- 00:15:15turns man into a partner she doesn't
- 00:15:17want to be with i i i that that the
- 00:15:20article the headline alone is is enough
- 00:15:22right you
- 00:15:24know and and again this is this is the
- 00:15:27dance of relationship wouldn't it be
- 00:15:29great if you know we could just say guys
- 00:15:31just do it this way every woman's going
- 00:15:33to like it no it doesn't work that way
- 00:15:37and but what what you said was really
- 00:15:40true is that yeah for example you know
- 00:15:43the woman in your life's been in her
- 00:15:45masculine all day doing at work putting
- 00:15:48up with [ __ ] managers [ __ ]
- 00:15:50customers [ __ ] clients [ __ ]
- 00:15:52co-workers and now you know she comes
- 00:15:54home there one more [ __ ] in the house
- 00:15:56putting demands on her so for example um
- 00:16:01the woman that folded my clothes that I
- 00:16:02mentioned again I met her at the mall as
- 00:16:05she sold me shoes and when after we
- 00:16:07started dating um one of the things
- 00:16:09where we really clicked is she liked
- 00:16:11baseball I like baseball I'm a Texas
- 00:16:14Rangers Fan I could have been part of a
- 00:16:16threesim it would have been great there
- 00:16:18we go you go flirting again but but you
- 00:16:21you lost me as soon as you said Texas
- 00:16:23Rangers you
- 00:16:24know those of us were the World Series
- 00:16:27championship in the last year yeah
- 00:16:29you're you're the Wii you're the Homer
- 00:16:30yeah we we won the World Series let me
- 00:16:32see the ring man show show me the ring
- 00:16:34okay so
- 00:16:36um she liked baseball so you know she'd
- 00:16:39get off work four or five o'clock in the
- 00:16:41afternoon I'd already have a bar stool
- 00:16:43staked out at the Roose Chris that was
- 00:16:44right next to you know where she worked
- 00:16:47couple of baseball games are already on
- 00:16:49the screen uh at the bar they have this
- 00:16:51great half price hamburger during happy
- 00:16:53hour she'd come in and she would just
- 00:16:57start you know I'd already have the wine
- 00:16:58ordered sitting there you know the you
- 00:17:00know the appetizers are coming and she's
- 00:17:03like this about her day like that she's
- 00:17:04been in her masculine all day I would
- 00:17:07take out my phone set it at five minutes
- 00:17:10and say you have my undivided attention
- 00:17:12for five minutes put the phone on the
- 00:17:14bar I would give her eye contact I would
- 00:17:18face her I would listen undivided
- 00:17:22attention she would run out of steam
- 00:17:24before five minutes was up because she's
- 00:17:27going I can sit here complain but
- 00:17:29there's a baseball game on there's a
- 00:17:31glass of wine sitting here what do I
- 00:17:33prefer before now if I didn't put her on
- 00:17:36the clock at five minutes it was a game
- 00:17:38it was me being dominant but in a loving
- 00:17:40playful if I didn't put on the clock she
- 00:17:42might be crabby all night long and she
- 00:17:45would not enjoy herself because one of
- 00:17:48the things I found is that for somebody
- 00:17:51who identifies as feminine to be in
- 00:17:53their masculine all day are often not
- 00:17:56good at getting themselves out of that
- 00:17:57masculine I gotta go home and wash
- 00:17:59dishes and get the laundry dunked
- 00:18:01there's things we got to do before I
- 00:18:02gotta get up and go to work tomorrow oh
- 00:18:04sit down have a glass of wine tell me
- 00:18:06about your day let me rub your feet I'm
- 00:18:09a big fan of of in a sense leading her
- 00:18:13back into her feminine out of that
- 00:18:15masculine rigid get [ __ ] done kind of
- 00:18:17state of mind and now all of a sudden
- 00:18:19she begins opening and she'll tell me
- 00:18:22your attention I might even say a woman
- 00:18:24taught me this I'll say you know what I
- 00:18:25want to hear about your day but give me
- 00:18:27the guy version you know and I've never
- 00:18:30had a woman ask me what does that mean
- 00:18:32I'll say you you you want me to be your
- 00:18:33guy right yeah yeah all right then I
- 00:18:35need the guy version when you tell me
- 00:18:37about the
- 00:18:38day about how Kelly in the cubicle next
- 00:18:41to her you know well and I know why she
- 00:18:42does it because she's just insecure and
- 00:18:44she's always wanting attention and she
- 00:18:45always takes it out of me dear I love
- 00:18:49you give me the guy version Kelly pissed
- 00:18:51me off today great now I understand why
- 00:18:54you had a bad
- 00:18:55day so you know get play with it get
- 00:18:59playful with it there's definitely one
- 00:19:02of the common threads that I'm noticing
- 00:19:04through a lot of the Dynamics is a
- 00:19:05degree of playfulness and it's my nature
- 00:19:08so it is what I bring and you know it
- 00:19:12it's helping it's helping to it's
- 00:19:13helping to relieve the tension relieve
- 00:19:16the tension it's helping to relieve the
- 00:19:19seriousness of
- 00:19:20everything that it it gives more play it
- 00:19:23gives like in the engineering term it
- 00:19:26gives more room within the system for
- 00:19:27things to breathe you you make a
- 00:19:29suggestion but it's not it's not done in
- 00:19:32too rigid of a fashion there's there's
- 00:19:35there's movement in there and it's done
- 00:19:37it's evident the reason that you're
- 00:19:38doing it and it's not in a mocking way
- 00:19:40it's not in a passive aggressive way
- 00:19:42it's not in a condescending or
- 00:19:43patronizing way but the reason that this
- 00:19:46I think works is it shows hey look like
- 00:19:50we're here to enjoy our time together
- 00:19:52we're here you're here to enjoy we're
- 00:19:53here to enjoy this and whether it's
- 00:19:56someone's had something good happen
- 00:19:57someone's had something bad happens
- 00:19:59someone's sad someone's mad someone's
- 00:20:00whatever and the appropriate amount of
- 00:20:03playfulness I can struggle to think of
- 00:20:05really many situations in which it
- 00:20:07doesn't make it
- 00:20:09better yeah I I and that doesn't mean
- 00:20:12getting silly and everything's a joke
- 00:20:14because again guys will kind of like Oh
- 00:20:16you mean make a joke about it and go and
- 00:20:18again teaching men to to be
- 00:20:23light-hearted that that that that can be
- 00:20:25a pretty daunting task yeah um now
- 00:20:28what's funny though if you get men with
- 00:20:31men and and let them just kind of begin
- 00:20:33to let their hair down guys get silly
- 00:20:36with each other and you know and but
- 00:20:38we're I think we're afraid of showing
- 00:20:39that to women oh yeah I won't I won't
- 00:20:42appear manly I won't be you know there's
- 00:20:44a degree of there's a degree of
- 00:20:46competence I think uh I certainly
- 00:20:49noticed this do you know who Charlie
- 00:20:51hoopet is from Charisma on command he's
- 00:20:54got a very big Charisma Channel on
- 00:20:55YouTube a really really great guy very
- 00:20:57embodied ton of self work ton of men's
- 00:20:59work um and he uh helps mostly men but
- 00:21:04also women become more charismatic so he
- 00:21:07he he's he's learned the principles of
- 00:21:09of confidence and Charisma and um one of
- 00:21:11the best tools that he teaches is when
- 00:21:15people ask a question the best answer
- 00:21:18isn't always the right one and you know
- 00:21:22he uses this example of um how to
- 00:21:24overcome your discomfort around trying
- 00:21:26to be funny and he says if you out of
- 00:21:28the house and you're with people you
- 00:21:30walk out of a bar or whatever and the
- 00:21:32weather is one extreme of either hot or
- 00:21:34cold make a joke about it being the
- 00:21:36opposite yeah and he's like it's the
- 00:21:38shittest joke it is the worst it's a
- 00:21:40pure dad joke but he said it'll get a
- 00:21:44chuckle out of people if you walk
- 00:21:46outside and it's freezing hot and you go
- 00:21:47dude wish I'd brought some shorts today
- 00:21:48this is great um like people have a
- 00:21:51little bit of a a chuckle about but it
- 00:21:53really really showed me and I have a
- 00:21:56friend George who's been on the show a
- 00:21:57lot he a lot of the time if you're
- 00:22:00playing kind of like a game of tennis so
- 00:22:02you're playing a game of tennis which
- 00:22:03involves a a linear conversation here is
- 00:22:06a question there is an answer here is a
- 00:22:08question there is an answer here's
- 00:22:09another answer here's another question
- 00:22:10and you play this back and forth he
- 00:22:13regularly hits the ball sideways so
- 00:22:16he'll call back to a thing that happened
- 00:22:19a couple of weeks ago or he'll say oh
- 00:22:21you know I bet that such and such a
- 00:22:23famous person from the media would have
- 00:22:24done that or whatever like he'll rip the
- 00:22:27conversation out like orthogonally from
- 00:22:30where it is and there's play in that
- 00:22:32he's not answering the question because
- 00:22:34he he has the comfort in himself to not
- 00:22:38need to get validation by being I am the
- 00:22:41person that always knows the answer I am
- 00:22:44the person that is always able to give
- 00:22:46the the correct conclusion that draws
- 00:22:47the line that puts the full stop and
- 00:22:49dots the eyes and crosses the teas I
- 00:22:50don't need to be that person and it's
- 00:22:52such a breath of fresh air because
- 00:22:54you're having this conversation and and
- 00:22:56you're like I'm excited like I don't
- 00:22:57know what's going to and it f it
- 00:22:59engenders that in you as well but
- 00:23:01there's definitely like good boy energy
- 00:23:04and nice guy energy in I will answer the
- 00:23:08question properly I will ensure that
- 00:23:10this you somebody has asked something of
- 00:23:12me and deliver it I shall and that
- 00:23:15removes the playfulness yeah you know
- 00:23:17and and when I work with guys around
- 00:23:19this again when I when I learned to date
- 00:23:21in my 40s and 50s I you know I was never
- 00:23:24good with women and if I got one I kept
- 00:23:26them way too long and I started getting
- 00:23:28six uccessful you know with with dating
- 00:23:30and getting laid and guys said Robert
- 00:23:32teach us I'm I'm not a dating Guru but
- 00:23:36what you're talking about is that again
- 00:23:38for most of the men I worked with they
- 00:23:40get so afraid I'm gonna do something
- 00:23:41wrong I'm gonna make a mistake I'm gonna
- 00:23:43piss her off I I'll blow it and then
- 00:23:45then it's irreparable and I'd say you
- 00:23:47know just touch her don't you know if
- 00:23:51you have the impulse to touch her touch
- 00:23:52her if you have the impul to tease her
- 00:23:53tease her if you have the impulse to
- 00:23:54tell her come on let's go do this don't
- 00:23:56hold back it's crazy as it sounds I tell
- 00:23:59guys blurt and act on impulse you think
- 00:24:03that's a recipe for disaster but the
- 00:24:05truth is it lets them be themselves
- 00:24:07because their authentic self comes out
- 00:24:09and you know I've had so many
- 00:24:11experiences you know around what if I
- 00:24:13just blurted acted on impulse you know I
- 00:24:16remember one woman I dated on the second
- 00:24:18date we're going to go for a walk and
- 00:24:20she said well let me go use the restroom
- 00:24:21in a a restaurant and she went to the
- 00:24:24restroom came back and I so I'm going to
- 00:24:26go use the restroom I said by the way I
- 00:24:27enjoyed watching you walk away from me
- 00:24:29and as soon as I said it I thought oh
- 00:24:31[ __ ] I probably blew it you know after
- 00:24:33we broke up we saved friends and said
- 00:24:36months later said you remember when you
- 00:24:37said that to me said yeah I thought I
- 00:24:39blew it he goes oh no I I loved it well
- 00:24:42I it I just blurted it right I didn't
- 00:24:44hold it back I remember another woman
- 00:24:47ear early first date we're walking and
- 00:24:50she said something about her her sister
- 00:24:53sister-in-law they're they're having a
- 00:24:55shoe party you know women get together
- 00:24:57and
- 00:24:58look at shoes sounds like the lamest
- 00:25:01thing AER I can think of the a shoe
- 00:25:05party lamest party in history but okay
- 00:25:08and so I blurted with thinking oh shoe
- 00:25:11shopping is women's porn she turned and
- 00:25:14looked at me she goes you get it you
- 00:25:18understand you know and and and so guys
- 00:25:21will say well I'm not funny you know I'm
- 00:25:23not I'm not you know I can't I'm not
- 00:25:25talking about telling jokes I'm talking
- 00:25:28about about whatever that thing that
- 00:25:29came to the tip of your brain but you
- 00:25:31held it back yeah because you're afraid
- 00:25:33it might be the wrong thing to say the
- 00:25:34wrong thing to do as soon as you held it
- 00:25:37back you killed the tension the putting
- 00:25:39it out there and sometimes you crash and
- 00:25:41burn you know there's the sweat flops
- 00:25:44you got oh man that didn't get one laugh
- 00:25:46you know but you got to take that risk
- 00:25:49every comedian you know has had plenty
- 00:25:51of bombs to but man that one landed and
- 00:25:56and it's not about trying to get it
- 00:25:57right it's about taking the sensors off
- 00:26:00and letting that you that maybe just
- 00:26:03speaks to the obvious out there and
- 00:26:06people people they'll relate to it or
- 00:26:08they won't it seems a lot like one of
- 00:26:12the key tactics for rehabilitating a
- 00:26:15nice guy is learning to kind of get out
- 00:26:17of your own way that's a good way to put
- 00:26:20it because what we've been doing is
- 00:26:22again go all the way back to where we
- 00:26:24began this they've been trying to manage
- 00:26:26their shame I I'm I'm bad I'm not good
- 00:26:29enough I'm going to be found out I'm
- 00:26:30going to die their anxiety oh no
- 00:26:32somebody will react negatively there
- 00:26:33would be pain involved a and so that is
- 00:26:36what's driving the bus is their shame
- 00:26:38and their anxiety and so who is really
- 00:26:41in there you know who is the person um
- 00:26:45one of the things the comments I get
- 00:26:47from people that that work with me or
- 00:26:49you know who come to my workshops or
- 00:26:51seminars or or do calls with me they'll
- 00:26:54say Robert I appreciate how how
- 00:26:56authentic you are and I'll go
- 00:26:58nobody would have accused me of that 30
- 00:27:00years ago nobody would have said Robert
- 00:27:02I love how real you are how authentic
- 00:27:04you are how you just share yourself how
- 00:27:06how you share your mistakes your fuckups
- 00:27:08I didn't and and I couldn't attract a
- 00:27:11woman to save my life you know back back
- 00:27:13in those days I I I kind of could but I
- 00:27:16I didn't know that what I was what I did
- 00:27:18that might attract a woman but I wasn't
- 00:27:20real I wasn't authentic I was holding my
- 00:27:23finger up checking the wi I was a
- 00:27:24chameleon you know what's what's going
- 00:27:26to get me the most laughs or what's
- 00:27:27going to get me you know what What will
- 00:27:29what will kind of go over well but not
- 00:27:31too well that you know now I'm not on
- 00:27:32the spot that I got to follow through
- 00:27:35and Manda just take the sensors off and
- 00:27:38just blurt act on impulse be you I think
- 00:27:43is such a powerful Rehabilitation and
- 00:27:46since most nice guys their sensors are
- 00:27:48the most prominent with women that's a
- 00:27:51great place to go
- 00:27:53practice one of my the same friend I was
- 00:27:56talking about before Mr orthogonal
- 00:27:57tennis game George he uh he has this
- 00:28:00idea called only the irrational Behavior
- 00:28:02survives what he's talking about what
- 00:28:05he's talking about is he imagines um
- 00:28:07being at the funeral of somebody that he
- 00:28:09knows and he thinks about the
- 00:28:11conversations that the people are having
- 00:28:13around the room and then not having the
- 00:28:15conversation the washing was always
- 00:28:17folded and he turned up on time and all
- 00:28:20the rest of it he uses this example of
- 00:28:22his mom and he says that his mom hates
- 00:28:24fighting just really does does not like
- 00:28:26physical fighting big big problem with
- 00:28:28it and once his brother was in the car
- 00:28:31his younger brother was in the car with
- 00:28:32her they were driving somewhere and she
- 00:28:36I don't know 50s year old woman normal
- 00:28:38British woman uh saw two 18yearold boys
- 00:28:42sort of squaring up to each other and
- 00:28:43pushing and and trying to fight or
- 00:28:44whatever on the side of the on the
- 00:28:46pavement she stops the car in the middle
- 00:28:48of traffic gets out and runs over and
- 00:28:51the brother's like Mom what the [ __ ] are
- 00:28:53you doing like what the two guys twice
- 00:28:56your size and quadruple your
- 00:28:58testosterone what the [ __ ] are you doing
- 00:28:59she runs over and she gets in between
- 00:29:01them physically gets in between them
- 00:29:02like no fighting no fighting gets back
- 00:29:04in the car and the brother's like Mom
- 00:29:05that was insane you could have been hurt
- 00:29:07you could have been she's I don't care I
- 00:29:09don't care I just don't like fighting no
- 00:29:10one's fighting and he said at her
- 00:29:13funeral people will say she was the sort
- 00:29:16of person that would stop the car in the
- 00:29:17middle of traffic to stop two boys from
- 00:29:18fighting and it's like that only the
- 00:29:20irrational Behavior survives is is
- 00:29:22similar to what you're talking about
- 00:29:24that there are rough edges to our
- 00:29:28personality in our Behavior But
- 00:29:30ultimately that is our personality and
- 00:29:32behavior like if your goal your goal
- 00:29:34should not be as a person on this planet
- 00:29:37to smooth out any of the things that
- 00:29:40make you anything into this sort of
- 00:29:43vanilla amorphous blob that kind of like
- 00:29:47just Glides through it's like no you
- 00:29:50have things that you want to say and
- 00:29:52actions that you want to take and
- 00:29:53changes that you want to make and just
- 00:29:55the faith to be able to do that and
- 00:29:58encumbered is that's what life is yeah
- 00:30:01and and and it it takes support it takes
- 00:30:05practice um yeah you I talking No More
- 00:30:08Mr Nice Guy about nice guys being Teflon
- 00:30:10men no stick you know nothing I don't
- 00:30:13want anything is stick to me but we do
- 00:30:15connect as you said around our rough
- 00:30:16edges look we've gone through this
- 00:30:19Litany of problems right this big big
- 00:30:21big big list and we don't have enough
- 00:30:24time to prescribe the Panacea for all
- 00:30:28the nice guys listening given the fact
- 00:30:30that you've done so
- 00:30:32many seminars coaching sessions working
- 00:30:35with people what have you found if you
- 00:30:38were to give the biggest
- 00:30:40movers of um Rehabilitation for nice
- 00:30:44guys um I don't think I've ever used
- 00:30:46that exact word for it what what what
- 00:30:49are the uh the practices what are the
- 00:30:51places that they should focus on in
- 00:30:52order to start to embody themselves more
- 00:30:56honestly okay yeah be be there authentic
- 00:30:58s exactly I I'll just walk you through
- 00:31:00what I did number one I tell people find
- 00:31:03safe people don't try to do this on your
- 00:31:05own you didn't become a nice guy in
- 00:31:07Social isol isolation don't try to get
- 00:31:09over it in Social isolation we have to
- 00:31:12say have safe people to start releasing
- 00:31:14our shame to tell people I've got this
- 00:31:16story about myself and people go that's
- 00:31:19not bad that's not terrible at all
- 00:31:21you're an that's normal what you're
- 00:31:22describ so we need safe people to
- 00:31:24support us release our shame perhaps me
- 00:31:28us encourage us help us face our fears
- 00:31:31so I tell nice guys go find a coach
- 00:31:33therapist men's group I love men's
- 00:31:35groups did a big chunk of my own
- 00:31:38personal rehabilitation in in men's
- 00:31:41groups uh I was leading five men's
- 00:31:43groups a week when I was in private
- 00:31:45practice up in Seattle um I just I'm a
- 00:31:48Believer so find men's group don't try
- 00:31:50to do this alone how do you so just to
- 00:31:52interject there how do you know if it's
- 00:31:53a good men's group or a bad men's group
- 00:31:56that that's a good question and it is
- 00:31:58somewhat subjective because something a
- 00:32:01group you love might not work for me
- 00:32:05um when I started looking for something
- 00:32:09about all that existed at that time was
- 00:32:12the uh the Robert blly mythol poetic go
- 00:32:14out in the woods be the drum have the
- 00:32:16Talking Stick and say oh I did that I
- 00:32:18ended up in a 12-step program is where I
- 00:32:20started not wasn't by choice it's just
- 00:32:23where I landed um I I got lucky I I
- 00:32:27landed in I was in a men's group led by
- 00:32:29a woman around sexual shame who liked
- 00:32:31men and so that was good for me I tried
- 00:32:35some other men's groups that I just
- 00:32:38never connected or resonated
- 00:32:40with a core piece I would recommend
- 00:32:43whether you're looking for a coach a
- 00:32:44therapist a men's group is find somebody
- 00:32:47who leads it who's actually done their
- 00:32:49own work you mentioned embodiment quite
- 00:32:52a bit somebody who's actually gone out
- 00:32:54worked on their own stuff you know I I
- 00:32:57became uh a therapist I I got my PhD in
- 00:33:00marriage and family therapy at 29 years
- 00:33:02old started you know a few years later
- 00:33:06started doing you know trying to do real
- 00:33:08therapy I'd never been to therapy and
- 00:33:11you know it wasn't till I got into
- 00:33:14therapy and men's groups and started
- 00:33:17working on my own toxic shame and my own
- 00:33:20anxieties and my own patterns that I
- 00:33:22could actually really help people so you
- 00:33:24know um it doesn't hurt to check out you
- 00:33:27know ask the person what's your journey
- 00:33:30you know where where have you worked on
- 00:33:32yourself and then just see do you
- 00:33:33connect with them that's that's usually
- 00:33:35a good place do you connect so go go
- 00:33:37find a coach therapist men's group 12
- 00:33:39step group something where you get to go
- 00:33:42start revealing you releasing toxic shap
- 00:33:45start being honest nice guys think
- 00:33:47they're honest we anything but honest I
- 00:33:50remember pretty early in my process I I
- 00:33:53realized almost everything I told my
- 00:33:55then wife was whatever won't Rock the
- 00:33:57Boat
- 00:33:58so I I told her I'm going to work in
- 00:33:59being honest whenever I catch myself
- 00:34:02making up a story to tell you I'm going
- 00:34:04to come tell you I was goingon to lie to
- 00:34:06you here's the lie I was going to tell
- 00:34:08you here's the whole truth so I started
- 00:34:11doing that and actually I used to tell
- 00:34:13her her middle name ought to be
- 00:34:14overreact because that's what she did
- 00:34:16and every the funny thing was when I
- 00:34:18actually just started telling her the
- 00:34:19truth about [ __ ] she'd go okay thanks
- 00:34:22for telling me that I'm glad you didn't
- 00:34:23lie to me and you know well that's
- 00:34:25different you know when I was trying to
- 00:34:27get her not to overreact she did when I
- 00:34:29just told her the truth yeah okay don't
- 00:34:32lie to me that was it so work on being
- 00:34:34honest and again we need safe people
- 00:34:36usually to do that uh work on making
- 00:34:39your needs a priority start asking
- 00:34:41yourself what do I want what's important
- 00:34:43to me you know am I do I do I need to go
- 00:34:46to the gym do I need to go to the
- 00:34:47dentist uh do I need to take some time
- 00:34:49to relax uh do I need to rest my eyes do
- 00:34:52I need to go read a good book do I you
- 00:34:54know how do I get my needs met and how
- 00:34:56do I let people help me get my needs met
- 00:34:58and how do I surround myself with people
- 00:35:00who want to help me get my needs
- 00:35:03met uh start working on boundaries
- 00:35:06that's that's a big one for nice guys is
- 00:35:08well nobody grows into adulthood knowing
- 00:35:10how to set boundaries because nobody
- 00:35:13teaches children out of head boundaries
- 00:35:15um because in in the real world the big
- 00:35:18people get to do whatever they want to
- 00:35:19the little people and because we were
- 00:35:21all little people we never learned you
- 00:35:23could say no stop that I'm gonna remove
- 00:35:25myself now so learn about boundaries I
- 00:35:28was in my
- 00:35:2930s in my second marriage with a PhD
- 00:35:33before ID ever even heard of boundaries
- 00:35:35a therapist I went to taught me about
- 00:35:37them uh so start working on boundaries
- 00:35:40and then I just I think the one other
- 00:35:41piece I'll throw out there that I think
- 00:35:43just so fundamental especially for guys
- 00:35:45for nice guys go connect with men go
- 00:35:49build a tribe of men I've had to do that
- 00:35:51a few times in my life about seven years
- 00:35:54ago when I got married down here in
- 00:35:56Mexico um not yet fluent Spanish my wife
- 00:36:00only speaks Spanish and I'm living out
- 00:36:03here working at home I I had no guys in
- 00:36:06my life and I went seeking and found a
- 00:36:09men's program and joined it and
- 00:36:12now if you looked at my text messaging
- 00:36:15my calendars my email I'm on Zoom I'm
- 00:36:18messaging with buddies all the freaking
- 00:36:21time and it just it makes everything
- 00:36:25about my world better I'm I'm more on
- 00:36:27point with with my work my relationship
- 00:36:30improved I'm in Better Health I'm
- 00:36:33happier so build a connection with Mar
- 00:36:36so there there's about five things that
- 00:36:38are a pretty good start
- 00:36:43[Music]
- 00:36:57he
- 00:37:03[Music]
- relationships
- attraction
- emotional tension
- dominance
- submission
- polarity
- authenticity
- nice guy syndrome
- boundaries
- men's groups