00:00:14
[Applause]
00:00:18
here that that's nothing
00:00:24
which is what I as a speaker at today's
00:00:27
conference have for you all I have
00:00:30
nothing nada zip zilch Zippo nothing
00:00:38
smart nothing inspirational nothing even
00:00:41
remotely researched at all I have
00:00:44
absolutely nothing to say whatsoever and
00:00:46
yet through my manner of speaking I will
00:00:49
make it seem like I do like what I am
00:00:53
saying is brilliant and maybe just maybe
00:00:57
you will feel like you've learned
00:01:00
something now I'm going to get started
00:01:04
with the opening I'm going to make a lot
00:01:05
of hand gestures I'm going to do this
00:01:07
with my right hand I'm going to do this
00:01:08
with my left I'm going to address my
00:01:10
glasses and then I'm going to ask you
00:01:12
all a question
00:01:13
by show of hands how many have you all
00:01:15
been asked a question before okay great
00:01:19
I'm seeing some hands and again I have
00:01:20
nothing here now I'm going to react to
00:01:24
that and act like I'm telling you a
00:01:25
personal anecdote something to break the
00:01:28
tension something to endear myself a
00:01:31
little bit something kind of
00:01:33
embarrassing and you guys are going to
00:01:39
make an ah sound it's true it really
00:01:42
happened and now I'm going to bring it
00:01:46
to a broader point I'm going to really
00:01:48
back in I'm going to make it
00:01:50
intellectual I'm going to bring it to
00:01:53
this man right here
00:01:54
now what this man did was important I'm
00:01:58
sure
00:02:01
but I for one have no idea who he is I
00:02:04
simply google image the word scientist
00:02:06
and now you see I'd like it to seem like
00:02:10
I'm making points building an argument
00:02:12
inspiring you to change your life when
00:02:15
in reality this is just me buying time
00:02:20
now if you don't believe me let's take a
00:02:23
look at the numbers this is a real thing
00:02:24
that's happening right now the number of
00:02:27
talks that I'm giving is one interesting
00:02:31
facts imparted thus far in said talk
00:02:32
well that's going to be a zero my height
00:02:35
in inches is 70.5 note the 0.5 there 2
00:02:39
times 6 equals 12 and then interestingly
00:02:41
enough 6 times 2 also equals 12 that's
00:02:44
math 352 is a three-digit number 1 2 3 4
00:02:51
5 and then almost immediately following
00:02:52
that we get 6 7 8 9 10
00:02:55
now to add more filler here I'm gonna
00:02:58
give you a couple more numbers to
00:02:59
consider 18 237 5601 2.6 million for 424
00:03:12
staggering these are real numbers all of
00:03:16
them and to follow that up let's take a
00:03:19
look at some graphs now if you take a
00:03:20
look at this pie chart what you're going
00:03:21
to see is that the majority far exceeds
00:03:24
the minority everybody see that cool
00:03:28
isn't it and let's take a look at this
00:03:30
bar graph because it shows similarly
00:03:32
irrelevant data now I'm doing this
00:03:36
because I'd like to make it seem like
00:03:37
I've done my homework if you were say
00:03:40
watching this on YouTube with the sound
00:03:41
off you might think huh
00:03:43
ok this guy knows what he's talking
00:03:46
about but I don't I'm floundering
00:03:49
panicking I've got nothing I'm a total
00:03:52
and utter phony but you know what I was
00:03:55
offered a TED talk and damn it I'm gonna
00:03:58
see it through
00:04:00
now if you take a look behind me these
00:04:03
are just words
00:04:04
paired with vaguely thought-provoking
00:04:06
stock photos I'm going to point at them
00:04:09
like I'm making use both of my time as
00:04:11
well as your time but in reality I don't
00:04:13
know what half of the mean and now as
00:04:16
these continue I'm just going to start
00:04:17
saying gibberish waggle wah gabba gabba
00:04:21
turkey mouth and a mouth ship trip my
00:04:25
dog skip rip it and dip it Richard I'm
00:04:29
an itty bitty baby Bopper and I'm hungry
00:04:31
and my Tumtum Brad Pitt uma thurman
00:04:35
names things words words and more things
00:04:39
and see it feels like it might make
00:04:41
sense doesn't it
00:04:42
like maybe just maybe I'm building to
00:04:45
some sort of satisfying conclusion I
00:04:47
mean on gesticulate ng as though I am
00:04:48
I'm pacing I'm growing in intensity I'm
00:04:51
taking off my glasses which by the way
00:04:52
are just frames I wore them to look
00:05:00
smart even though my vision is perfect
00:05:06
and now I'm going to slow things down a
00:05:08
little bit I'm going to change the tone
00:05:12
I'm going to make it seem like I'm
00:05:14
building to a moment and what if I
00:05:21
wanted amazing isn't it what can you do
00:05:26
life's a roller coaster
00:05:32
you know if there's one thing you take
00:05:35
away from my talk I'd like you to think
00:05:36
about what you heard at the beginning
00:05:37
and I'd like you to think about what you
00:05:40
hear now because it was nothing and it's
00:05:44
still nothing think about that or don't
00:05:47
that's fine and now I'm going to stop
00:05:51
talking thank you
00:05:53
[Applause]
