00:00:00
go look go go out in public and watch a
00:00:03
couple that's obviously been together
00:00:05
for a while in public husband and wife
00:00:08
and the the ones who look the most bored
00:00:10
the most distracted the most on their
00:00:12
phones the most disinterested I promise
00:00:15
you that's a couple that quit telling
00:00:17
each other the truth a long time ago I
00:00:19
have an episode coming out on this next
00:00:21
week the truth is never boring it's
00:00:24
never boring truth is never boring and I
00:00:27
tell you what women are not attracted to
00:00:30
boring men and as soon as a man starts
00:00:33
repressing his truth who am I what do I
00:00:35
think what do I feel what do I want
00:00:37
where am I going and trying to do
00:00:39
whatever it is he thinks is going to
00:00:40
attract a woman he's repressed his own
00:00:42
inner truth and now all of a sudden he's
00:00:45
going to be inherently
00:00:53
boring I don't believe Love's ever found
00:00:56
externally that's part of the problem is
00:00:59
that we believe if I want to be loved I
00:01:01
got to go find it somewhere else and and
00:01:03
you know culturally you know women are
00:01:06
taught you go get it from a guy and guys
00:01:07
are thought you go get that from a woman
00:01:09
you know and and you know unless unless
00:01:11
we're not heterosexual and then just you
00:01:12
know shift it to whatever our opposite
00:01:14
sex
00:01:15
is but I think it is probably one of the
00:01:18
greatest causes of human suffering that
00:01:21
we go looking for love outside of oursel
00:01:25
because I don't know about you in my
00:01:27
experience I've never been con
00:01:30
consistently loved by even the people
00:01:33
who claim to love me and you know I I
00:01:36
can piss them off they can fall out of
00:01:38
love with me and
00:01:40
so anytime we go searching for love
00:01:43
outside
00:01:44
ourself we're asking for difficulty and
00:01:46
problem I think that's why so many
00:01:47
relationships don't work we go into them
00:01:50
with this illusion oh this person likes
00:01:52
me and wants to be with me I Finally
00:01:54
Found Love they're going to love me
00:01:55
forever and everything's going to be
00:01:57
great now here's another problem
00:02:01
if we don't already internally feel
00:02:04
particularly lovable here's a couple of
00:02:07
problems we won't let anybody love us
00:02:10
more than we already love oursel
00:02:12
whatever we put that on a scale of one
00:02:14
to 10 I love myself as six well that's
00:02:16
as much as we ever let anybody love us
00:02:18
is it is six because we won't believe
00:02:21
anybody could love us more than what we
00:02:23
love ourselves and most of us probably
00:02:25
don't love ourselves at a six the second
00:02:28
problem is we can't love anybody else
00:02:31
more than we love ourselves it's it's
00:02:33
just impossible to be more loving to
00:02:35
others than you are to you now we may
00:02:37
give more to other people we may you
00:02:40
know create a codependent relationship
00:02:41
with other people but that's not love
00:02:44
that's that's that's Mar functioning
00:02:46
that's giving to get that's manipulation
00:02:48
that's I'll give to you so that you'll
00:02:49
love me it's the it's the covert
00:02:51
contracts I talk about and No More Mr
00:02:53
Nice Guy so there's I think that the
00:02:56
issue that we got to start with is how
00:02:58
do we learn to love ourselves and see
00:03:00
ourself as love and if we don't believe
00:03:05
we're lovable we're not going to let
00:03:07
people love us and we're not g to let
00:03:09
people see the real us which that's
00:03:11
actually how people kind of get a chance
00:03:13
to love us as they see the real us and
00:03:16
again we won't love anybody more than we
00:03:18
love ourselves and the people around us
00:03:20
will go you know how come I don't feel
00:03:23
all that loved by well we only love you
00:03:26
know I I used to be religious I have two
00:03:29
degrees in Rel religion so without going
00:03:30
down that road you know it's interesting
00:03:32
you know we've all heard about kind of
00:03:34
the Golden Rule and and Jesus Sermon on
00:03:36
the Mount where he said love your
00:03:38
neighbor as yourself and we say that a
00:03:40
lot but I don't think we ever actually
00:03:42
pull that apart and say what is the
00:03:44
standard of love for others your
00:03:47
neighbor is referring to anybody out
00:03:49
there when he said love your neighbor as
00:03:51
yourself he said self-love is the
00:03:53
standard of all love and he just said
00:03:56
that like everybody's going to
00:03:57
understand that it'll make sense but
00:04:00
here we're talking about well how do we
00:04:01
get other people to love us you don't
00:04:04
you love you and my experience is the
00:04:07
more you love you the more you tend to
00:04:10
attract people who act loving towards
00:04:12
you now I can get behind everything that
00:04:14
you just said in fact I made an episode
00:04:16
a long time ago about the Golden Rule
00:04:18
and suggested that another way to
00:04:19
interpret that is less a commandment for
00:04:22
moral action and more an observation on
00:04:25
reality with an implied subject as in
00:04:29
love your neighbor as as you love
00:04:30
yourself could also be interpreted as
00:04:32
you love your neighbor as you love
00:04:34
yourself that's just the the reality of
00:04:36
the situation it and and it could also
00:04:38
be love yourself it could be um so I I
00:04:43
agree with all of that I also had a
00:04:44
mentor tell me once and I think it's a
00:04:47
good observation is that you can't
00:04:49
technically feel another person's love
00:04:52
you can only feel your own love coming
00:04:55
out of you for others and I think that
00:04:57
might dovetail nicely with what you just
00:04:59
said so I agree with everything you just
00:05:00
said about love I think that's wonderful
00:05:03
come on we're not going to have fun if
00:05:04
you agree with it well I'm not so I'm
00:05:05
going to push back a little bit more
00:05:07
which is um let's go back to I'm this
00:05:10
idea that I should be loved just for who
00:05:13
I am what if you're unattractive to
00:05:15
women just as you are you're going to be
00:05:18
unattractive to some women just as you
00:05:20
are but it's also what is your basis of
00:05:23
attraction one of the things I found
00:05:26
well let me come come at this was still
00:05:28
two ways one of one other piece about
00:05:30
this you know looking for love outside
00:05:32
of our s um one of my uh certified
00:05:36
coaches wrote a book recently called uh
00:05:38
sipping fear pissing confidence and it's
00:05:41
it's written it's great great book
00:05:43
amazing book written from a point of
00:05:45
dealing with addiction for men but he
00:05:47
covers a lot of stuff but there's a line
00:05:48
in there when I was listening to the
00:05:50
audio book he said a man doesn't mature
00:05:54
until he quits seeking the love of a
00:05:56
woman and that hit me is so true because
00:06:00
what what are we out there trying to
00:06:01
find a substitute Mommy to come love us
00:06:03
because we don't love oursel all that
00:06:05
much and I thought that really is true
00:06:07
as long as we're seeking love from a
00:06:10
woman as a guy we're we're in an
00:06:12
immature State you know it's love me
00:06:15
love me think I'm good-look enough to be
00:06:16
attracted to you know love me enough to
00:06:18
want to have sex with me and all of that
00:06:21
is putting all of our internal power in
00:06:23
the hands of somebody else okay so so
00:06:25
there there there one piece of it but
00:06:27
let's bring it back to that whole
00:06:28
attractiveness what if I'm not
00:06:30
attractive enough to attract women
00:06:34
um most men get it wrong what's
00:06:38
attractive to women now you know I don't
00:06:42
know I'm sure Studies have been done on
00:06:46
attractiveness I I don't know how to
00:06:48
even Define you know what what defines
00:06:50
what you're attracted to in another
00:06:52
person it might be some physical traits
00:06:54
it might be some emotional traits it
00:06:56
might be some energetic traits it might
00:06:58
be personality might be behaviors might
00:07:00
be all of the above it might be based on
00:07:02
your relationship with your mother and
00:07:03
your third grade girlfriend I don't know
00:07:06
I honestly do not know how to figure out
00:07:09
why I'm attracted what I'm attracted to
00:07:11
now I do know I'm highly attracted to
00:07:13
unhappily married women I do know that
00:07:16
you know not has nothing to do with
00:07:18
their physical features I just know that
00:07:19
my first love object was an unhappily
00:07:22
married woman and you know I I I I'm
00:07:24
highly drawn to I can fix that I can fix
00:07:27
that I can make that better so I've
00:07:29
learned to watch that one I've learned
00:07:31
to pay attention to it but like my wife
00:07:34
will accuse me you were looking at that
00:07:35
woman what kind of woman are you
00:07:37
attracted are you attracted to this or
00:07:38
that women always ask guys what kind of
00:07:40
women are you attracted to and I go I
00:07:43
guess ones that Treat Me Nice um but you
00:07:46
know it's not like oh I'm attracted to
00:07:48
blondes or tall or short or curly hair
00:07:51
um I think that's just too too
00:07:53
simplistic and when men start trying to
00:07:56
figure out what women are attracted to
00:07:58
women are attracted to drug dealers to
00:08:00
men in prison to to short guys to porn
00:08:04
stars to you know pro athletes to to you
00:08:08
know Saints you know I don't know so
00:08:12
whatever a man thinks is what makes a
00:08:15
woman attracted to a man he's almost
00:08:18
always going to be wrong because I you
00:08:20
know I always thought well if I didn't
00:08:22
like have the nice square jaw full head
00:08:24
of hair you know if I didn't have the
00:08:26
proverbial Alpha you know look to me I
00:08:29
thought would not be physically
00:08:30
attractive to women and then when women
00:08:32
started telling me Oh you have kind eyes
00:08:35
oh I love your kissable lips or I love
00:08:37
your hands I mean what the what is
00:08:39
it about my hands that some woman would
00:08:42
find attractive but women have told me
00:08:45
that now was it probably more than my
00:08:48
hands was it probably more than my kind
00:08:50
eyes was it I don't know now I have some
00:08:54
theories that in general what women in
00:08:58
general find attractive
00:09:00
but again if a man tries to figure out
00:09:02
well if I just be this do that that'll
00:09:05
make women attract me well I'm being
00:09:06
that doing that and they don't seem to
00:09:07
be attracted to me therefore I must not
00:09:09
be attractive again that's basing you
00:09:13
know okay women in general want to have
00:09:16
sex with me or don't want to have sex
00:09:17
with me that's going to determine my
00:09:19
worth my value my attractiveness again
00:09:22
that's a real
00:09:23
fragile um measuring stick of our worth
00:09:27
and our lovability
00:09:30
okay I buy all of that and I have a
00:09:31
whole chapter about this in my upcoming
00:09:33
book on sexual Marketplace value and I
00:09:36
do think that I love that chapter that's
00:09:38
a great chapter Ty I do think that we
00:09:41
culturally have let's say archetypes for
00:09:44
male and female Beauty and that the more
00:09:47
a man or a woman Accords with those
00:09:49
biologically informed and culturally
00:09:52
influenced standards the higher a
00:09:55
person's attractiveness is but
00:09:57
absolutely no man is attractive to all
00:09:58
women no woman is attractive to all men
00:10:01
and ultimately what it comes down to is
00:10:03
perceived sexual Marketplace value
00:10:05
because even though all other the things
00:10:07
being equal this person might be more
00:10:09
attractive to more people if his let's
00:10:11
say normalized sexual Marketplace value
00:10:13
is higher it all comes down to the point
00:10:15
of transaction with that person that
00:10:17
you're dealing with and people very wild
00:10:20
wildly with respect to their tastes uh
00:10:23
in partners and in the
00:10:25
bedroom um attraction oh yes so about
00:10:29
what you said as long as men
00:10:33
are trying to become attractive in order
00:10:36
to get women in order to get laid
00:10:38
they're already they've already kind of
00:10:39
lost because they've given their power
00:10:41
away I can agree with that but I think
00:10:43
that's a tough sell I think men kind of
00:10:45
have to be catfished into
00:10:47
self-development I think in the
00:10:49
beginning it has to be mo because it's
00:10:51
the strongest motivation in the world
00:10:53
for a guy is to want to get laid and
00:10:55
only as he starts to level up and maybe
00:10:57
take care of his lifestyle and his
00:10:58
fashion and wealth and his game does he
00:11:01
realize oh this is inherently rewarding
00:11:02
and this is good for me but I don't
00:11:04
think he get I'm laughing because I I
00:11:07
because I I do agree with that in
00:11:09
general that you know I I've written a
00:11:11
couple of books one dating Essentials
00:11:13
for men the other one dating Essentials
00:11:15
for men frequently asked questions and
00:11:17
um I say in the book I say this book is
00:11:20
a dating book I'm calling it a dating
00:11:23
book because you want to learn how to
00:11:25
date and you want to get late the truth
00:11:28
is is how to expand your social and
00:11:31
emotional intelligence book that's
00:11:33
really what it's going to teach you the
00:11:35
motivation is you want to attract women
00:11:38
and you want to have a girlfriend you
00:11:40
want to get late um but I'm going to
00:11:43
teach you how to do some things that are
00:11:45
going to increase the odds of doing that
00:11:47
and and it really is by teaching men how
00:11:50
to expand their social and emotional
00:11:51
intelligence that I believe makes them
00:11:53
more generally attractive um I I'll give
00:11:57
you just a couple thoughts kind of a
00:11:59
foundation for how how I tend to
00:12:00
approach it I'll give you one example I
00:12:03
I just started reading a book last night
00:12:04
I got in bed got my Kindle out and I
00:12:06
thought all right I'm tired of reading
00:12:08
self-improvement books business books
00:12:10
marketing books I pulled up a fiction
00:12:12
book that I had um just on a whim
00:12:14
downloaded a month or so ago um it's I
00:12:17
think it's called The Little Liar by
00:12:19
Mitch Alba and it's it's written during
00:12:21
um uh Nazi World War II and and the book
00:12:25
kind of starts out with some some people
00:12:27
on a Nazi train being to a death camp
00:12:30
and then it then it it Segways into a
00:12:33
commentator in the book is truth and
00:12:36
truth is talking to us and and Truth is
00:12:39
the personification of of you know truth
00:12:42
and truth even says that anybody who is
00:12:48
truthful is immediately more
00:12:51
attractive I'm probably not quoting it
00:12:54
exactly but he gave a reference to this
00:12:56
very physically attractive young boy but
00:12:58
because he was truthful everybody was
00:13:02
attracted to him and he said very few
00:13:04
people truth say very few people are
00:13:05
actually truthful so I you I could take
00:13:08
that that I think there
00:13:10
are energetic and emotional
00:13:14
dynamics that create far more powerful
00:13:19
attraction than the shape of your nose
00:13:22
size of your jaw the Venus of your body
00:13:25
that your perceived market value do
00:13:27
those things help yeah they help in
00:13:30
terms of triggering uh uh a chemical
00:13:33
reaction in a woman's brain that you
00:13:35
know Evolution put in there you know
00:13:37
that guy's fit he's strong he can take
00:13:39
care of me of course that stuff is there
00:13:41
it doesn't
00:13:42
hurt but what what is it about those
00:13:46
people that don't have those features
00:13:48
but yet even as men were drawn to them
00:13:52
we like their energy we like how we feel
00:13:54
around them we like listening to them we
00:13:56
we feel comfortable engaging with them
00:13:59
what are those features and those
00:14:01
features work with women and you know
00:14:05
one of the things that I say and and um
00:14:08
uh whenever I say this to like a woman
00:14:11
coach like if I'm if I'm being
00:14:12
interviewed by a woman and I and I say
00:14:14
you know I found that the feminine I'll
00:14:15
speak of the feminine as an energetic
00:14:17
state so I say the feminine is highly
00:14:20
attractive now feminine I mean women
00:14:22
dogs cats babies money Adventure
00:14:25
opportunity is highly attractive to a
00:14:27
man who is comfortable in his own
00:14:31
skin knows where he's going and he looks
00:14:34
like he's having a good time going there
00:14:36
I'll say that to women coaches and you
00:14:38
know I got the chuckle out of you and
00:14:39
the women go they they sigh ah yeah yeah
00:14:44
and because you know they're used to you
00:14:47
know working with men usually these
00:14:49
women coaches are usually coaching men
00:14:51
and the men come in because I watch
00:14:52
enough on the internet from all the
00:14:55
pickup guys and all the dating gurus
00:14:58
that basically say say you need this
00:14:59
line you need these physical features
00:15:01
you need this Alpha Behavior you need
00:15:03
this thing you need that thing and and
00:15:05
all these guys none of them actually get
00:15:07
comfortable in their own skin kind of
00:15:09
going back to that self-love thing you
00:15:11
know I like me I I like my life I like
00:15:14
how I live it I'm comfortable living it
00:15:16
on my terms you know using a
00:15:18
psychological term I'm differentiated
00:15:20
you know I I I I show up live my life I
00:15:23
have internal locus of control another
00:15:25
psychological term that in general is
00:15:28
highly attractive to Outsiders men and
00:15:31
women and I think if men can go to work
00:15:35
on those pieces and quit worrying about
00:15:38
judging themselves of are they do they
00:15:40
have sixpack abs do they have enough
00:15:42
hair are they young enough do they have
00:15:44
you know the the V features of their B I
00:15:47
think when a guy quits worrying about
00:15:48
that and goes about living his life
00:15:51
on his terms all of a sudden he notices
00:15:54
all these really good things start
00:15:56
coming to me I don't have to make it
00:15:58
happen
00:15:59
I agree with all that at the end but I
00:16:02
don't know if I can sign off on people
00:16:04
find the truth attractive I think if
00:16:06
people really found the truth attractive
00:16:08
the world would look very different than
00:16:10
it does today well I I I I agree with
00:16:13
that but tell you what test
00:16:16
this go look go go out in public and
00:16:20
watch a couple that's obviously been
00:16:22
together for a while in public husband
00:16:24
and wife and the the ones who look the
00:16:27
most bored the most distracted the most
00:16:29
on their phones the most disinterested I
00:16:32
promise you that's a couple that quit
00:16:35
telling each other the truth a long time
00:16:36
ago I have an episode coming out on this
00:16:39
next week the truth is never boring it's
00:16:42
never boring truth is never boring and I
00:16:44
tell you what women are not attracted to
00:16:47
boring men and as soon as a man starts
00:16:50
repressing his truth who am I what do I
00:16:53
think what do I feel what do I want
00:16:54
where am I going and trying to do
00:16:56
whatever it is he thinks is going to
00:16:58
attract a woman
00:16:59
he's repressed his own inner truth and
00:17:01
now all of a sudden he's going to be
00:17:03
inherently boring so again does truth
00:17:07
make people inherently attractive how
00:17:10
about I that was just a quote from the
00:17:11
book but is is is more along the lines
00:17:14
of is in I think our energetic states
00:17:18
that make us the most attractive so if
00:17:20
you do not withhold your truth because
00:17:23
like for
00:17:24
example in in dating essentials from men
00:17:27
you know and and when I talk with guys
00:17:28
say listen the thing that will make you
00:17:31
most interesting and attractive to women
00:17:33
is be yourself and guys go well that
00:17:36
doesn't seem to be working out so well
00:17:38
so far you know being who I am doesn't
00:17:41
seem to be turning many very many women
00:17:43
on and I'll go how many women how many
00:17:47
people do you even let you see the real
00:17:50
you how many people know how much you
00:17:52
look at pornography how how how how many
00:17:55
people know you know how how much you
00:17:57
dislike yourself or or how insecure you
00:17:59
are or how many people do you let
00:18:01
actually see your those things about you
00:18:04
and the truth is nobody we don't let
00:18:06
anybody see that and you know what
00:18:09
I found for me when I started dating in
00:18:11
my late 40s and early
00:18:12
50s I had what I considered
00:18:15
unprecedented success women were coming
00:18:18
on to me they were getting naked on
00:18:19
first dates they were propositioning me
00:18:21
majority of them were significantly
00:18:23
younger than me and I wasn't trying I
00:18:26
wasn't chasing them I've since my second
00:18:28
in marriage I've never tried to get a
00:18:30
woman to have sex and and I never had a
00:18:31
shortage of sex and I thought what
00:18:33
planet have I landed on I wasn't getting
00:18:35
better looking you know I I didn't have
00:18:37
more money I filed bankruptcy after my
00:18:39
my second marriage I you know so I was
00:18:42
broke but the thing that I think turned
00:18:45
women on and men as well was I was
00:18:48
authentic I was real I didn't hold
00:18:50
anything back I was playful I was fun I
00:18:52
didn't give a and and so I took
00:18:54
risk and and I could be vulnerable that
00:18:57
seemed to be really attractive to people
00:19:00
and all of a sudden you know I'm going
00:19:02
man I'm getting a lot of dates guys are
00:19:04
saying tell us what to do you know I
00:19:06
don't really know what I'm doing I'm
00:19:08
just kind of being out there being
00:19:10
myself I think the indifference is key
00:19:13
Robert because the vulnerability is
00:19:15
often a double-edged sword I was told
00:19:17
that women wanted men who were
00:19:20
vulnerable and emotionally intelligent
00:19:22
and whatnot and in my teens and early
00:19:24
20s I often would share a lot of my deep
00:19:27
dark yeah insecurities and uh let me
00:19:30
tell you did not have the intended
00:19:32
effect but maybe that is because I was
00:19:36
still doing so out of a a covert
00:19:38
contract in the sense of like if I do
00:19:40
this then I will be rewarded with sex
00:19:42
and a relationship and that's certainly
00:19:44
not true and because you were still
00:19:45
doing what you thought was going to make
00:19:47
women attracted to you yeah exactly you
00:19:49
were still following a scheme because
00:19:52
you you someone told you oh this will
00:19:54
make you attractive to women oh I will
00:19:55
do more of that and uh all you found out
00:19:58
is that you know women kind of saw you
00:20:00
as needy and insecure yeah pretty much
00:20:03
vulnerability doesn't mean you turn
00:20:06
every woman into your therapist your
00:20:08
emotional tampon I mean that's not what
00:20:10
we're talking about I I give you an
00:20:11
example a today
00:20:13
example you mentioned you're getting
00:20:15
over a flu a cold and and I mentioned
00:20:18
yeah this week I I had something just
00:20:21
knocked me out I don't know what felt
00:20:23
like allergies but like I just slept all
00:20:25
last Monday and today's Thursday so I'm
00:20:28
kind of getting back at it and I I
00:20:29
usually am up early but I slept in so I
00:20:31
didn't get up with my wife and take the
00:20:33
dog walking so this morning we're
00:20:34
walking the dog and I just shared with
00:20:37
my wife and she's not who I go to for my
00:20:40
emotional work I have plenty of guy
00:20:42
friends in my life that I do that
00:20:43
emotional work with but she does need to
00:20:45
know in general what's up with me you
00:20:48
know I don't I don't withhold that from
00:20:49
her but so we're walking the dog and I I
00:20:51
said you I I think I'm a little
00:20:53
depressed I said I've just felt no
00:20:55
energy no godess which is in Spanish my
00:20:58
wife's Mexican no Gess no no drive and
00:21:01
um and she kind of got quiet I thought
00:21:04
you know that's when they'd say oh don't
00:21:06
be that vulnerable the woman will feel
00:21:08
unsafe and unpredicted and I even
00:21:10
thought you know that could make her
00:21:12
feel a little bit oh no you know because
00:21:15
you know she's a tough woman she grew up
00:21:17
eight out of 10 kids poverty guadalahara
00:21:20
Mexico she's been beat up beat on by
00:21:22
everybody in her life family neighbors
00:21:24
and and she's tough I mean she she goes
00:21:26
to the gym two hours a day she's done my
00:21:28
she done kickboxing I don't pick fights
00:21:30
with her and and but you know a couple
00:21:34
times when I've had some serious illness
00:21:36
and even close to death a few years ago
00:21:39
it just I could tell it just devastated
00:21:41
her just because like oh no you know
00:21:43
he's going away so I I mentioned this
00:21:46
morning I think I'm a little depressed
00:21:47
that's all I said didn't go into detail
00:21:49
just don't have a lot of energy and I
00:21:51
even thought that's probably about as
00:21:53
much information as I need to give her
00:21:55
we get back and um I I I I I had a call
00:21:59
I got off the call this morning and
00:22:01
there was uh two plates of fruit sitting
00:22:03
out on the bar and she was all dressed
00:22:06
up she was going out to have breakfast
00:22:07
with her girlfriend there's a a plate of
00:22:10
fresh cut pineapple a plate of fresh cut
00:22:13
uh uh papaya and she goes I I did this
00:22:16
for you and I said thank you I love it
00:22:18
that's great I'm so appreciative and she
00:22:20
says you know I'm always thinking about
00:22:22
you and I go I know that I know how much
00:22:23
you love me she goes and I'm all dressed
00:22:25
up because you know I always want to
00:22:26
look good for you and I said yeah I know
00:22:28
that I appreciate that and so she went
00:22:31
out and then um I I texted her after my
00:22:34
phone call I said I'm going to hit the
00:22:35
gym we have a gym in the house so I got
00:22:37
got my video on did my workout because
00:22:39
because I haven't felt well I haven't
00:22:40
worked out for about a week and a half
00:22:41
and she always kind of gets on my case
00:22:43
if I don't work out much so she comes
00:22:45
back and I said I got my workout in I
00:22:47
said yeah I think I'm feeling a little
00:22:48
better she goes because you got in the
00:22:50
gym I said no because you made me fruit
00:22:53
and you know I I kind of put it back you
00:22:54
know thank you for loving on me so the
00:22:56
point is yeah a woman does want to know
00:22:59
I'm struggling a little bit with this do
00:23:02
they want us to sit and just kind of you
00:23:04
know give them the whole story no they
00:23:07
they they they really don't again where
00:23:09
do you find that Tipping Point um you
00:23:12
can usually watch it in their body
00:23:13
language when when you've gone too far
00:23:15
with it they actually kind of get bored
00:23:17
and want to withdraw so I tell guys have
00:23:20
good guy friends have good men in your
00:23:23
life and I do when I'm struggling
00:23:25
there's other men in fact I told my best
00:23:27
friend last in a voice message he he
00:23:30
said I'm kind of coming out of my
00:23:31
monthlong funk and I go I had a weeklong
00:23:33
funk and I said I think I'm starting to
00:23:35
come out of it I tell other people other
00:23:37
guys about that and and then I can just
00:23:40
give my wife kind of the guy version of
00:23:42
it yeah that sounds right to me I made
00:23:45
an episode a long time ago called the
00:23:47
captain can't complain so if you're
00:23:49
leading the relationship and you're you
00:23:52
know imagine you were the captain of the
00:23:53
ship and you're heading into a storm if
00:23:55
you bring the whole crew together and
00:23:56
say oh my God I don't know if I'm going
00:23:57
to get through
00:23:59
oh jeez I don't I'm not really sure
00:24:01
we're going to be able to survive
00:24:02
they're going to be looking for the the
00:24:04
next exit off that boat and they'd be
00:24:06
right to do it but you obviously can't
00:24:08
hide the fact that there's a Squall
00:24:09
coming so the idea is to forth you know
00:24:12
directly face the issue talk about
00:24:15
what's going to be done to address the
00:24:17
issue and and still hope that we're
00:24:19
going to get through it together I think
00:24:20
that's kind of the recipe for doing that
00:24:22
beautiful illustration and it kind of
00:24:24
felt like that's the way it was with my
00:24:25
wife I just said I'm just feeling a
00:24:26
little bit depressed and didn't go lot
00:24:28
of detail you know she kind of
00:24:30
contributed by cutting some fruit I took
00:24:33
care of me by getting in the gym and get
00:24:35
a workout in I'm getting out of the
00:24:36
shower you know she says are you feeling
00:24:38
better I said yeah you know thanks for
00:24:40
the fruit so you know we work together
00:24:42
but no I didn't dump that on her that
00:24:44
she had to figure out how to get her
00:24:46
husband over this temporary depression
00:24:49
and you I took responsibility for it a
00:24:51
lot just telling her I got to the gym I
00:24:53
know always makes her more attracted to
00:24:55
me a lot of the advice about
00:24:58
self-improvement for men it it kind of
00:25:00
feels ultimately like Buddhism at its
00:25:03
core in the sense that like people often
00:25:06
go to Buddhism because they want to
00:25:07
escape suffering right and the Buddha
00:25:09
says well the root of suffering is
00:25:11
desire well and the desire to escape
00:25:14
suffering is a desire so like it's this
00:25:17
kind of a paradox so if you say well the
00:25:20
way to to get with women is to not care
00:25:23
to get with women so it's like okay if I
00:25:24
stop caring then I will get the women it
00:25:26
just it it doesn't quite make sense I
00:25:28
don't actually teach that uh I I
00:25:30
actually do quote the Buddha at times
00:25:32
but I don't teach it I I'm not I don't
00:25:34
teach indifference um and and and Buddha
00:25:39
didn't teach in different difference
00:25:41
either he he taught not attachment which
00:25:44
might not be the same thing u i i i i
00:25:46
define it differently yeah I I I talk
00:25:48
about being outcome agnostic so for
00:25:50
example you know I I I talk to this well
00:25:53
another way I put it is being equally
00:25:54
okay with every possible outcome sure so
00:25:57
I'm talking to a woman in public it for
00:25:59
me being nonattached is again I'm I'm
00:26:02
I'm outcome agnostic I'm going to talk
00:26:04
to her I'm going to put action into this
00:26:06
if it goes somewhere great if it doesn't
00:26:08
go anywhere great I'm equally okay with
00:26:10
either outcome that I don't call
00:26:12
indifference indifference would be I
00:26:14
don't give a I'm not gonna even
00:26:15
bother right I I I I'm a big fan of
00:26:19
taking action but taking action that's
00:26:22
not tied to it's got to turn out this
00:26:24
way or it was a waste or because that
00:26:27
just you know often quote the Buddhist
00:26:29
as the Buddhist says that the attachment
00:26:31
is the cause of all suffering and then I
00:26:33
add for guys it's also the cause of all
00:26:35
anxiety as soon as I get attached I want
00:26:37
that pretty girl to give me a phone
00:26:39
number your anxiety level's just gone up
00:26:42
and you've made her the alpha because
00:26:44
she's the decider and that's not going
00:26:46
to play very well that will not come
00:26:48
across as outcome indifferent or outcome
00:26:51
excuse me agnostic fair enough but I can
00:26:54
still imagine that there's at least some
00:26:55
guys out there who are thinking maybe
00:26:57
not even consciously but thinking okay
00:26:59
so if I'm just outcome agnostic then I
00:27:01
will get the girl then it will work so
00:27:03
let's let's address that issue not about
00:27:05
outcome agnostic but about guys
00:27:10
okay I love working with guys my my
00:27:13
entire business my career my life is
00:27:16
built around working with men I was a
00:27:17
marriage therapist for for 25 plus years
00:27:20
once nor More Mr Nice Guy came out 20
00:27:22
plus years ago my business has just
00:27:25
moved towards working with guys I love
00:27:27
working with guys
00:27:28
you can take the big stick out and smack
00:27:31
guys upside the head get their attention
00:27:33
and say what the were you thinking
00:27:35
and they'll go thank you you be very
00:27:37
direct I've never I've NE I've worked I
00:27:39
work exclusively with men in my private
00:27:41
practice and I can't tell you how many
00:27:43
guys are when they first meet with them
00:27:44
they're like don't sugarcoat it tell me
00:27:46
the ugly truth I need someone to to
00:27:49
knock some sense into me it's so
00:27:51
refreshing guys would do that yeah I
00:27:52
can't do that with women I I heard Terry
00:27:55
re who's a pretty well-known marriage
00:27:57
and family therapist and a feminist say
00:27:59
one time you can't begin with the woman
00:28:01
in marriage counseling because she'll
00:28:02
leave the guy you can you can take the
00:28:05
big stick out to the guy and he goes
00:28:06
thanks you know nobody's ever put it
00:28:08
that way before I love that about
00:28:11
men men also drive me crazy
00:28:14
trying to trying to run a business you
00:28:17
know they they won't read the
00:28:18
instructions you know they if if they
00:28:20
can be confused they will be if they can
00:28:23
misinterpret something they will if if
00:28:26
something can be turned black black and
00:28:28
white they'll make it black and white
00:28:30
they get no sense of context I'll have
00:28:33
guys say Robert I heard on one podcast
00:28:35
you said this but on another podcast you
00:28:38
said that that's a contradiction and
00:28:40
I'll go what was I talking about on the
00:28:41
first podcast well I think you were
00:28:43
talking to a guy that like just read
00:28:45
self-help books 247 I said okay stop
00:28:48
reading self-help books and but what was
00:28:50
the context the other one oh it's a guy
00:28:52
that never you know like even asked
00:28:55
himself who am I said well okay read a
00:28:57
book what
00:28:58
well that's just a dumb example but but
00:29:01
if guys can do that they will and that
00:29:03
is why they are a sucker that's why men
00:29:06
are suckers for all the pushed
00:29:10
to them on the internet I think we
00:29:12
passed the 15minute mark
00:29:13
so bring in that you know everything for
00:29:17
example you know these long websites to
00:29:20
say you know the use these six tricks to
00:29:24
get every you know outrageously hot
00:29:26
woman to take her clothes off instantly
00:29:29
and get with you guys believe that and
00:29:31
we'll read the whole thing and we'll
00:29:33
click on the clickfunnel then we'll then
00:29:35
we'll go through the upsell and I go
00:29:37
because we all know what the advantage
00:29:39
is of having a crazy hot woman right
00:29:42
like we just we all know what the
00:29:44
advantage of that is I don't know
00:29:46
actually explain it to me what is the
00:29:48
advantage of having a crazy hot woman in
00:29:50
your life I've had some I I I I I won't
00:29:52
preach the advantages of it but we all
00:29:54
assume men want that and then just men
00:29:57
say give me the tech technique I'll do
00:29:58
the technique how come the technique
00:30:00
isn't working I must not be attractive
00:30:02
enough or women must all be X Y or Z
00:30:05
because that so I'm gonna go be an incel
00:30:07
or Go My Own Way or join a red pill Clan
00:30:10
or do this because all women are that
00:30:12
way and and so this is the stuff we run
00:30:14
into with men I love working with men
00:30:16
but you're gonna always run into that
00:30:18
black and white well I heard this it
00:30:20
must be true and the other thing we'll
00:30:21
do is we're constantly searching for
00:30:23
more information it's not like we have
00:30:25
enough information to actually apply it
00:30:26
and go out some gu on on my online Forum
00:30:29
the other day said Robert basically what
00:30:31
he said is Robert can you reconcile what
00:30:35
you teach about relationship with what
00:30:37
John gotman teaches about relationship
00:30:39
with what red pill teaches about
00:30:41
relationship I've been reading and I go
00:30:44
stop stop don't do that you're gonna
00:30:47
make you're making yourself crazy I said
00:30:49
there's probably some overlap between me
00:30:51
John gotman and red pill and I said and
00:30:54
we're saying very different things for
00:30:56
very different reasons if you want me to
00:30:59
try to come make them all work together
00:31:01
in your mind I'm not going to do it
00:31:04
don't you even try but that's what guys
00:31:06
will do we're always looking for that
00:31:07
next shiny thing that's going to be the
00:31:09
trick that makes everything work because
00:31:12
no one's ever taught us you know you
00:31:14
have to work at something you have to
00:31:16
actually you know bring your aame you
00:31:19
got to show up with your lunch pail you
00:31:20
got to go through the difficult things
00:31:22
you got to learn to deal with tension
00:31:24
with anxiety and learn to soothe
00:31:26
yourself and learn to ground yourself
00:31:28
and let go of these attachments to
00:31:30
outcome that are causing your suffering
00:31:32
because again there's s there's so many
00:31:34
quick easy fixes out there on the
00:31:36
internet that yeah let me go pay my
00:31:38
money let me go pay my money because you
00:31:40
know this guy tells me it's G to work
00:31:42
and anyway there's my little rant about
00:31:44
I how much I love guys and working with
00:31:46
guys because I really do I hear you um
00:31:49
one thing that I found in my own
00:31:51
experience as I went through my self uh
00:31:54
development process about 10 years ago
00:31:57
is
00:31:59
that some of the nice guys are right
00:32:02
with respect to honesty when when nice
00:32:06
guys are dishonest when they're hiding
00:32:09
their intentions when they're executing
00:32:11
the covert
00:32:12
contracts they usually get rejected the
00:32:15
vast majority of time but they tend to
00:32:17
get rejected nicely what I found is that
00:32:20
when you when you start being more
00:32:22
authentic when you start being more
00:32:24
honest about your
00:32:26
intentions and
00:32:28
when you start being let's say more well
00:32:31
I I guess it I'm not quite yet at I
00:32:34
wasn't quite yet at the outcome
00:32:37
agnosticism but I women will reject you
00:32:42
not all of them some of them will accept
00:32:44
you but they'll reject you much more
00:32:47
forcefully good it's like I've I've
00:32:50
never I've never been so how do I put
00:32:54
this the the people who have hurt me the
00:32:58
most in life were have been women who
00:33:00
realized they weren't going to get what
00:33:01
they wanted from
00:33:02
me okay how' they hurt you oh
00:33:08
uh with with yelling and screaming
00:33:12
verbal abuse uh destroying property
00:33:15
false allegations spreading rumors
00:33:17
reputation destruction things like
00:33:21
that what did that have to I'm actually
00:33:23
confused what did that have to do with
00:33:25
you being uh truthful and upfront
00:33:28
um what I what I'm suggesting is that
00:33:31
when when you're when you're nice you
00:33:33
tend to not get what you want but you
00:33:35
often don't get
00:33:38
um you don't get like the vindictiveness
00:33:41
The Crazies kind you know I I I I don't
00:33:45
know that's not been my experience the
00:33:46
nicer I was the crazier the women I
00:33:48
attracted because I put up with it I put
00:33:50
up with it here let me back up just a
00:33:53
little bit when you mentioned the
00:33:55
rejection I'm a big fan of rejection
00:33:58
um I I I preach it in in in my materials
00:34:01
for dating is is if we're going to have
00:34:04
an intention the if the intention is I
00:34:07
want that girl to like me I want that
00:34:08
girl to give me a phone number that
00:34:10
probably is going to lead to suffering
00:34:12
to manipulation to you know to you being
00:34:14
less
00:34:15
indirect but if your intention is to I
00:34:18
call it get to rejection quickly in
00:34:21
business is called fail forward fail
00:34:22
fast that that kind of mentality just go
00:34:25
for it go all in with it and see you
00:34:26
know see what happens
00:34:29
I have found that yeah if I'm just fully
00:34:33
me don't hold anything back you know one
00:34:35
of the things I teach guys and again
00:34:37
guys want to turn everything into a
00:34:38
technique I I teach something I call the
00:34:40
three tees touch te's and tell I don't I
00:34:44
never meant it to be a technique but
00:34:45
guys will always teach us more about how
00:34:47
to touch teach us more about how to
00:34:49
tease I go no that's just a reminder
00:34:52
don't hold back if you have the impulse
00:34:54
to touch her touch her if you have the
00:34:56
impulse to teas her to be play if you
00:34:58
have the impulse to to to tell her what
00:35:00
to do do it don't hold back act on
00:35:02
impulse be you don't hold anything about
00:35:05
you back now the more you're not being
00:35:08
you and and the more you're being you
00:35:10
and not holding anything back you will
00:35:13
find out really quickly how that
00:35:16
lands and that's what you want to know
00:35:19
if you're being nice and using covert
00:35:21
contracts and what I call nice guy
00:35:23
seduction of doing things for her
00:35:25
listening to her for hours in a end you
00:35:28
know paying off her carpet whatever it
00:35:30
is you can never find out is she into
00:35:33
you or not but if you actually don't
00:35:36
hold back by practicing what I call that
00:35:38
getting to rejection quickly you can let
00:35:40
go of your crush you can let go of
00:35:42
whatever unrealistic fantasy you had
00:35:44
about her and move the on and open
00:35:47
the door for somebody that's actually
00:35:49
going to come into your life and treat
00:35:50
you well now the women who are
00:35:52
vindictive and treat you badly now I've
00:35:54
been there too but the truth of it is
00:35:56
that's a boundary issue of of of a
00:35:58
problem that when a guy's trying to get
00:36:00
a woman to like them they tend to ignore
00:36:03
those red flags early on they see the
00:36:05
bad behaviors early on but my my
00:36:07
tendency and a lot of nice guys my
00:36:09
superpower is talking a woman down
00:36:11
through and over and getting her back to
00:36:13
good and so unfortunately if I do that
00:36:16
in those early warning
00:36:17
signs it keeps me hanging out with a
00:36:20
woman that I'm going to keep seeing a
00:36:22
worse and worse side of her and when a
00:36:25
woman lashes out and acts vindictive
00:36:28
towards you I'm going to venture to
00:36:30
guess there were probably warning signs
00:36:32
that a guy saw that he ignored prior to
00:36:36
that it rarely comes completely out of
00:36:38
the blue
00:36:44
[Music]
