How to Find Your Purpose | The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos

00:42:59
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOXK8K9O_dQ

Summary

TLDRIn this episode, Dr. Jordan Grummet explores the concept of finding purpose in life, arguing that it doesn't have to be a grand achievement. He shares his personal journey from burnout as a doctor to discovering joy in hospice care and writing. Grummet emphasizes the importance of focusing on small, joyful activities (Little P purpose) rather than lofty goals (Big P purpose). He provides practical tips for identifying one's purpose, including conducting life reviews, reflecting on childhood passions, and experimenting with new activities. The episode encourages listeners to embrace the process of finding purpose and to build a life filled with meaningful activities.

Takeaways

  • 🌱 Purpose can be found in simple activities, not just grand achievements.
  • 📝 Conduct a life review to identify regrets and what truly matters to you.
  • 🎈 Focus on Little P purpose: joyful activities in the present.
  • 🔍 Use the spaghetti method to experiment with new interests.
  • 🚫 Subtract activities that drain your energy and joy.
  • 👶 Reflect on childhood passions for clues to your purpose.
  • 🤝 Building community can enhance your sense of purpose.

Timeline

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The episode begins with a discussion on the concept of life purpose, challenging the notion that it must be grand or significant. The host introduces Jordan Grummet, a hospice physician and author, who shares his journey of finding purpose in simple joys, like collecting baseball cards, rather than in lofty ambitions.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    Jordan reflects on his childhood, marked by the traumatic loss of his father, a prominent oncologist. This event shaped his early understanding of purpose, leading him to pursue a medical career in hopes of 'fixing' the world, which ultimately resulted in burnout and dissatisfaction.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    Despite achieving his goal of becoming a doctor, Jordan experienced burnout, realizing that his initial purpose was unattainable. He discusses the symptoms of burnout, such as anxiety and lack of joy in his work, contrasting it with his current enthusiasm for activities he enjoys.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    To combat burnout, Jordan began to integrate writing and public speaking into his life, which he initially viewed as hobbies. A pivotal moment came when he discovered the concept of financial independence, leading him to reassess his career and the pressures he felt to conform to a singular identity as a doctor.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:25:00

    Jordan emphasizes the importance of purpose anchors—small, joyful activities that can guide individuals toward a fulfilling life. He contrasts the concept of 'big P' purpose, which is often unattainable and anxiety-inducing, with 'little p' purpose, which focuses on the joy of the process rather than the end goal.

  • 00:25:00 - 00:30:00

    He shares a powerful story about Roman, a local antique shop owner who found joy in selling baseball cards. Roman's passion created a community for children, illustrating how little p purpose can have a lasting impact on others, contrasting it with the unattainable aspirations of famous figures.

  • 00:30:00 - 00:35:00

    Jordan discusses the concept of purpose mirages—illusions of purpose that distract individuals from finding true joy. He encourages listeners to focus on activities that light them up, rather than chasing societal expectations or external validations of success.

  • 00:35:00 - 00:42:59

    The episode concludes with practical tips for finding purpose, including conducting life reviews, reflecting on childhood joys, experimenting with new activities, and embracing the art of subtraction to remove unfulfilling aspects of life. Jordan's journey illustrates that purpose can be cultivated through small, meaningful actions rather than grand achievements.

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Mind Map

Video Q&A

  • What is the main theme of the episode?

    The episode focuses on finding purpose in life, emphasizing that it can be found in simple, joyful activities rather than grand achievements.

  • What is Little P purpose?

    Little P purpose refers to process-oriented activities that bring joy and fulfillment, as opposed to goal-oriented Big P purpose.

  • How can I identify my purpose?

    You can identify your purpose by reflecting on your childhood passions, conducting a life review, and experimenting with new activities.

  • What is the spaghetti method?

    The spaghetti method involves trying out various activities to see what resonates with you, without the pressure of finding a singular purpose.

  • Why is it important to focus on the process rather than the goal?

    Focusing on the process allows for enjoyment and fulfillment in the present, reducing anxiety associated with achieving big goals.

  • What role do regrets play in finding purpose?

    Reflecting on regrets can help identify what is truly important to you and guide you towards meaningful activities.

  • How can I reduce burnout in my life?

    You can reduce burnout by subtracting activities you dislike and focusing on those that bring you joy.

  • What is a life review?

    A life review is a reflective process where you assess significant moments, achievements, and regrets in your life.

  • How can I create a life of purpose?

    You can create a life of purpose by engaging in activities that light you up and building a life around those interests.

  • What is the significance of community in finding purpose?

    Building connections with others who share your interests can enhance your sense of purpose and fulfillment.

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  • 00:00:11
    Pushkin what's your life
  • 00:00:14
    purpose that is a very big sounding
  • 00:00:16
    question which honestly is why most of
  • 00:00:18
    us shy away from talking about it your
  • 00:00:21
    life's purpose feels like it needs to be
  • 00:00:22
    important curing a disease saving an
  • 00:00:25
    endangered species or founding a
  • 00:00:26
    billion- dollar company it's supposed to
  • 00:00:28
    be something big right
  • 00:00:30
    wrong cuz as we'll hear in this episode
  • 00:00:33
    purpose can be found in something as
  • 00:00:34
    simple as collecting baseball cards and
  • 00:00:36
    hanging out with others who share your
  • 00:00:38
    passion that's an example taken directly
  • 00:00:40
    from the life of my guest for this
  • 00:00:42
    episode hi I'm Jordan grummet I a
  • 00:00:44
    hospice physician personal finance
  • 00:00:47
    podcaster and author of the book The
  • 00:00:49
    purpose code Jordan's career has taken
  • 00:00:51
    many detours at times he's found himself
  • 00:00:54
    facing some big dead ends in his
  • 00:00:55
    lifelong quest for purpose but today
  • 00:00:58
    he's pretty happy where things ended up
  • 00:01:00
    which makes him an excellent guide for
  • 00:01:02
    this concluding episode of our howto
  • 00:01:04
    season where we'll discuss how to find
  • 00:01:06
    your purpose Jordan began yearning for
  • 00:01:08
    purpose at a particularly young age but
  • 00:01:11
    set off to find it in a direction that
  • 00:01:12
    he later realized was a mistake it all
  • 00:01:15
    began with an unexpected bement it
  • 00:01:18
    pretty much affected everything I was 7
  • 00:01:21
    years old and my father was this
  • 00:01:22
    prominent oncologist this cancer doctor
  • 00:01:25
    that everyone looked up to and he had a
  • 00:01:27
    brain aneurysm which meant he was
  • 00:01:29
    literally rounding at the hospital got a
  • 00:01:31
    severe headache collapsed went into a
  • 00:01:34
    coma and died within a day or two back
  • 00:01:36
    then you know there was no talk of these
  • 00:01:38
    Extraordinary Measures the neurosurgeon
  • 00:01:40
    came in said look he's pretty much brain
  • 00:01:42
    dead uh and they removed life support
  • 00:01:45
    and I was s years old and as most seveny
  • 00:01:47
    olds are I looked at the world through a
  • 00:01:50
    very self-centered lens I told myself
  • 00:01:53
    that there was something wrong with me I
  • 00:01:55
    wasn't enough I wasn't good enough I
  • 00:01:57
    didn't do things well enough I wasn't
  • 00:01:59
    lovable enough and so at some point I
  • 00:02:02
    developed the narrative in my own head
  • 00:02:04
    that I could cosmically fix the world if
  • 00:02:07
    I became a doctor like him if I just
  • 00:02:09
    stepped into his footsteps if I walked
  • 00:02:11
    his path everything would be okay and
  • 00:02:15
    that narrative served me for quite a
  • 00:02:17
    long time in fact I had a learning
  • 00:02:18
    disability I got over that made my way
  • 00:02:20
    through college and medical school this
  • 00:02:23
    was a joyful version of purpose and
  • 00:02:25
    identity at the time I wasn't interested
  • 00:02:27
    in money or career or any of those
  • 00:02:29
    things I just wanted to be like my dad
  • 00:02:32
    and it served me until it didn't so
  • 00:02:35
    let's talk about the part where it
  • 00:02:37
    didn't what happened in your medical
  • 00:02:39
    career that you know what started out as
  • 00:02:41
    kind of this important purpose kind of
  • 00:02:43
    wound up becoming something else well
  • 00:02:45
    what pretty much happened is burnout and
  • 00:02:48
    what I eventually realized is this
  • 00:02:51
    version of purpose this audacious
  • 00:02:53
    version of purpose like I can cosmically
  • 00:02:55
    save this fact that my father died by
  • 00:02:58
    just becoming a doctor like him wasn't
  • 00:03:00
    actually reachable and so I became a
  • 00:03:02
    doctor and it didn't solve any of the
  • 00:03:04
    problems I still didn't feel good about
  • 00:03:06
    this Sentinel thing that happened in my
  • 00:03:08
    life and yet I was spending my days
  • 00:03:11
    doing things that I didn't love and I
  • 00:03:13
    didn't enjoy and that weren't fing me up
  • 00:03:16
    and so I wasn't reaching that big
  • 00:03:18
    audacious goal I had but I also wasn't
  • 00:03:20
    enjoying the process either and that is
  • 00:03:24
    the perfect setup to burn out so what
  • 00:03:28
    were some of your symptoms when you were
  • 00:03:29
    going to burn out as a doctor like how
  • 00:03:31
    did it manifest it's the Sunday scaries
  • 00:03:33
    right Sunday night you're like I don't
  • 00:03:36
    want to go to work it's the waking up in
  • 00:03:39
    the morning and instead of being
  • 00:03:41
    energized being stressed I contrast that
  • 00:03:44
    to my life today where I spend a lot
  • 00:03:46
    more time doing things that I enjoy the
  • 00:03:47
    process of doing regardless of the goal
  • 00:03:50
    and I kind of jump out of bed at 4:35 in
  • 00:03:52
    the morning every morning because I'm so
  • 00:03:55
    excited to jump in whereas I might have
  • 00:03:58
    still gotten up at 4:30 or 5 in the
  • 00:04:00
    morning then but it was more I was so
  • 00:04:01
    anxious that there were all these things
  • 00:04:03
    on the table that seemed impossible that
  • 00:04:06
    I had to get through and so it really
  • 00:04:09
    manifests itself very differently
  • 00:04:11
    there's a certain amount of optimism and
  • 00:04:13
    a joy in which I leap into activities
  • 00:04:16
    now that I just didn't have them and so
  • 00:04:17
    how did you break out of this it must be
  • 00:04:19
    really hard to kind of you know train
  • 00:04:21
    your whole career to become a doctor
  • 00:04:23
    you're feeling burned out what was the
  • 00:04:25
    next step it was kind of a happy
  • 00:04:27
    accident and I think this happens to a
  • 00:04:28
    lot of people when they take on big
  • 00:04:30
    audacious purpose that doesn't suit them
  • 00:04:32
    they actually often try to fit these
  • 00:04:34
    things in that are more joyful that suit
  • 00:04:37
    them better around the sides like when
  • 00:04:39
    they're not busy doing other things so I
  • 00:04:41
    love writing I love communicating I love
  • 00:04:43
    public speaking and so I was trying to
  • 00:04:45
    integrate that into my life and I told
  • 00:04:47
    myself well you can't really do that for
  • 00:04:49
    a living like writing is a hobby it's
  • 00:04:50
    something you do for fun so I was
  • 00:04:52
    fitting it in during my lunch hour or at
  • 00:04:55
    night when my wife and kids were
  • 00:04:56
    sleeping and so fortuitously in 2014 I
  • 00:05:00
    was writing a Blog about medicine what
  • 00:05:02
    it felt like to be a doctor and this guy
  • 00:05:04
    named Jim Dolly the white coat investor
  • 00:05:06
    sent me his book and he had written a
  • 00:05:08
    book about physician personal finance
  • 00:05:10
    and he wanted me to review it from my
  • 00:05:11
    blog and I had always had modeled for me
  • 00:05:14
    beautiful wonderful financial behavior
  • 00:05:16
    but I never had the words to understand
  • 00:05:18
    what that meant and so he sent me his
  • 00:05:20
    book and it described this concept of
  • 00:05:22
    financial Independence this idea of
  • 00:05:24
    having enough money so that you didn't
  • 00:05:27
    have to spend your days doing things you
  • 00:05:28
    didn't want to do and within a few hours
  • 00:05:30
    of reading this I realized I was doing
  • 00:05:32
    fine financially like I didn't have to
  • 00:05:34
    continue doing this thing that wasn't
  • 00:05:36
    filling me up just because I needed a
  • 00:05:38
    paycheck which was amazing and
  • 00:05:41
    exhilarating for all of about a minute
  • 00:05:43
    and then I had a major panic attack
  • 00:05:45
    because I realized this only thing that
  • 00:05:47
    I had ever identified myself as this
  • 00:05:49
    only version of purpose I really knew
  • 00:05:51
    outside of you know the basic pedestrian
  • 00:05:53
    stuff of having a family and kids and
  • 00:05:55
    that kind of stuff but my only real
  • 00:05:56
    sense of purpose was tied to something I
  • 00:05:58
    realized didn't suit me anymore and not
  • 00:06:00
    only that but it was that singular
  • 00:06:02
    connection I still had to my father and
  • 00:06:04
    I was talking about walking away and I
  • 00:06:06
    knew I had to walk away at least on some
  • 00:06:09
    level because of the burnout and the
  • 00:06:10
    anxiety and the stress on the other hand
  • 00:06:13
    if I was going to walk away from this
  • 00:06:14
    only thing that I'd ever defined me who
  • 00:06:16
    would I be and so that started a process
  • 00:06:19
    which took years of trying to figure out
  • 00:06:22
    how to develop and pursue a life of
  • 00:06:24
    purpose and I wasn't ready to throw the
  • 00:06:26
    baby out with the bath water so I
  • 00:06:27
    couldn't just walk away from medicine
  • 00:06:29
    because I probably could have at that
  • 00:06:30
    moment said I'm done I quit I'm out but
  • 00:06:33
    I didn't have the emotional fortitude so
  • 00:06:35
    actually I started with something much
  • 00:06:37
    more simpler I use what I call the art
  • 00:06:39
    of subtraction I started getting rid of
  • 00:06:40
    what I didn't like in my job I didn't
  • 00:06:42
    love owning my own practice I got rid of
  • 00:06:43
    that I eventually got rid of the working
  • 00:06:45
    in the nursing home and the nights and
  • 00:06:47
    the weekends what I was left with was
  • 00:06:49
    doing hospice work taking care of the
  • 00:06:50
    terminally ill and strangely enough I
  • 00:06:53
    realized I would do that even if I
  • 00:06:55
    wasn't being paid for it that was an
  • 00:06:57
    anchor for me I'm like okay this job no
  • 00:06:59
    longer feels purposeful I don't identify
  • 00:07:02
    by it but there's this little piece
  • 00:07:04
    being a hospice doctor which was an
  • 00:07:06
    anchor of joy and purpose for me so I
  • 00:07:08
    could stick with that but that of course
  • 00:07:10
    opened up a huge amount of space because
  • 00:07:11
    I was doing that about 10 or 15 hours a
  • 00:07:13
    week so the question was what type of
  • 00:07:15
    Life did I want to lead in all that open
  • 00:07:18
    space and that's where I came back to
  • 00:07:20
    those Joys that I'd always submerged
  • 00:07:23
    things like writing and public speaking
  • 00:07:24
    and expressing myself and since I got
  • 00:07:26
    there through learning about personal
  • 00:07:28
    finance it was a natural place place for
  • 00:07:29
    me to start writing and podcasting about
  • 00:07:31
    it also seems like you're switched to
  • 00:07:33
    spending more time with those in
  • 00:07:35
    pallative care sort of taught you
  • 00:07:36
    something else about purpose what was
  • 00:07:39
    that well interestingly enough my life
  • 00:07:42
    had taken two tracks right one track was
  • 00:07:44
    becoming a personal finance expert doing
  • 00:07:46
    a Blog on that and eventually a podcast
  • 00:07:48
    but the other track was I was still
  • 00:07:50
    taking care of the terminally ill and
  • 00:07:52
    after doing this for 10 15 years and
  • 00:07:54
    sitting at people's bedside I realized
  • 00:07:58
    that when I was talking to Financial
  • 00:07:59
    people they were really good at telling
  • 00:08:01
    me how to make money or how to invest
  • 00:08:03
    but often if I ask them questions like
  • 00:08:05
    what does enough look like in your life
  • 00:08:07
    or what is the serving I got a lot of
  • 00:08:09
    blank stairs on the other hand then I'd
  • 00:08:12
    go see my hospice patients who would
  • 00:08:14
    know that the end was coming and all
  • 00:08:16
    they wanted to do was talk about what
  • 00:08:18
    was important in their life and
  • 00:08:19
    specifically about regrets what did they
  • 00:08:22
    regret never having the energy courage
  • 00:08:23
    or time to do and I started thinking
  • 00:08:27
    about what if all my financial people
  • 00:08:30
    had this knowledge what if they could
  • 00:08:31
    put themselves in the shoes of someone
  • 00:08:34
    who is dying and just for a brief period
  • 00:08:35
    of time think about those really
  • 00:08:37
    important things that they hadn't
  • 00:08:39
    accomplished and what if we could then
  • 00:08:41
    flip those around and turn them into
  • 00:08:43
    anchors of purpose like okay this is a
  • 00:08:45
    beckoning this is an inkling this is
  • 00:08:46
    this big important thing to me if I do
  • 00:08:49
    nothing for the rest of my life if I
  • 00:08:50
    keep on saying I don't have enough time
  • 00:08:52
    I don't have enough money I don't have
  • 00:08:53
    enough energy or I'm afraid I'm going to
  • 00:08:55
    fail one day a doctor like me will walk
  • 00:08:57
    into your room and you'll realize it's
  • 00:08:59
    too late and so what I wanted to do was
  • 00:09:02
    take that feeling that knowledge and
  • 00:09:04
    give it to all these younger people who
  • 00:09:06
    trying to figure out their life how do
  • 00:09:08
    we win the game how do we die Without
  • 00:09:10
    Regrets so regrets became purpose
  • 00:09:12
    anchors something we have to build a
  • 00:09:14
    life of purpose around I always say this
  • 00:09:16
    you don't find purpose everyone's like
  • 00:09:18
    I'm waiting for it it's either going to
  • 00:09:19
    fall on my head I'm going to be
  • 00:09:20
    successful and happy and the world's
  • 00:09:21
    going to be great or I'm going to miss
  • 00:09:24
    it and everything's going to be horrible
  • 00:09:26
    the truth of the matter is we have these
  • 00:09:27
    whisperings but then we have to do the
  • 00:09:28
    hard work which is building a life of
  • 00:09:30
    purpose around it and I think the dying
  • 00:09:32
    they have that message to give us don't
  • 00:09:34
    wait until it's too late so it seems
  • 00:09:37
    like to find purpose we have to start by
  • 00:09:38
    knowing what it is what is purpose and
  • 00:09:42
    as we think about finding it what are
  • 00:09:43
    some of the benefits that can come from
  • 00:09:44
    it psychologically so this is my
  • 00:09:46
    favorite question because I think
  • 00:09:48
    colloquially we talk about purposes
  • 00:09:50
    being our why and I think that's
  • 00:09:52
    problematic I think the better way to
  • 00:09:54
    look at it is purpose are the actions we
  • 00:09:58
    take in the present and future that
  • 00:10:00
    light us up that's it simple
  • 00:10:02
    straightforward why I don't like looking
  • 00:10:04
    at it as our why is because then it
  • 00:10:06
    becomes high stakes and we're back to
  • 00:10:08
    this I either don't figure it out and
  • 00:10:10
    All Is Lost or I figure it out and I
  • 00:10:12
    live blissfully happy and we all know
  • 00:10:13
    that's not how it works and so I think
  • 00:10:16
    it's a much simpler definition why is it
  • 00:10:19
    important well the studies are clear I
  • 00:10:21
    mean there are a million studies out
  • 00:10:22
    there that look at having a purpose in
  • 00:10:24
    life and what that means and we know
  • 00:10:26
    from various studies that it leads to
  • 00:10:28
    increased Health longevity and happiness
  • 00:10:31
    and so it's really important if we had a
  • 00:10:33
    pill if the doctor could give you this
  • 00:10:35
    pill and say you're going to live 10 or
  • 00:10:36
    20% longer you're going to be happier
  • 00:10:38
    and healthier of course we would take it
  • 00:10:39
    and yet people get so confused about
  • 00:10:41
    purpose because it seems ephemeral and
  • 00:10:43
    hard to reach that they give up on it
  • 00:10:46
    and in fact other studies which seem to
  • 00:10:48
    contradict those first studies show that
  • 00:10:50
    up to 91% of people at some point in
  • 00:10:51
    their life have what's called purpose
  • 00:10:53
    anxiety this idea of finding their
  • 00:10:54
    purpose actually frustrates them causes
  • 00:10:57
    them depression anxiety and so the
  • 00:10:59
    question is how can it be both how can
  • 00:11:00
    be purpose be like the most important
  • 00:11:02
    thing but also so anxiety written and I
  • 00:11:05
    think part of the reason is because we
  • 00:11:07
    get this idea of purpose wrong we've
  • 00:11:09
    been stuck in that purpose is our why
  • 00:11:12
    for so long that we make these big
  • 00:11:14
    audacious dreams often ones we don't
  • 00:11:16
    have the agency to achieve and it leaves
  • 00:11:18
    us frustrated as opposed to focusing on
  • 00:11:20
    action in the present and future and
  • 00:11:22
    doing these little things that just
  • 00:11:24
    light us up which I think is much more
  • 00:11:26
    associated with all those good things we
  • 00:11:27
    see the study show and so you've made
  • 00:11:30
    this distinction that I find really
  • 00:11:32
    important between you know what you seem
  • 00:11:33
    to be calling sort of this big p purpose
  • 00:11:35
    the kind of big high futin kind of scary
  • 00:11:37
    anxiety inducing purpose and what you've
  • 00:11:40
    termed Little P purpose what's the
  • 00:11:42
    Little P purpose what are we missing so
  • 00:11:44
    little p purpose is process oriented
  • 00:11:48
    instead of goal oriented and so the idea
  • 00:11:51
    is doing things that light you up and
  • 00:11:54
    why this is good is it's impossible to
  • 00:11:57
    fail I say big p purposes All or Nothing
  • 00:11:59
    you either succeed in this really big
  • 00:12:01
    audacious thing or you don't Little P
  • 00:12:02
    purposes all are all and so it tends to
  • 00:12:05
    be very very abundant think about this
  • 00:12:07
    what are the million different things we
  • 00:12:09
    could do that we would enjoy conversely
  • 00:12:12
    big p purpose is much more goal oriented
  • 00:12:14
    and usually we don't love the process of
  • 00:12:16
    doing the things we do just to get to
  • 00:12:19
    this goal and that's problematic for a
  • 00:12:20
    few reasons one is we often say things
  • 00:12:22
    in America like if you can think it you
  • 00:12:24
    can build it and so we don't just think
  • 00:12:26
    of purpose but it's always like this big
  • 00:12:28
    outside I'm going to be a billionaire
  • 00:12:29
    I'm going to run for president I'm going
  • 00:12:31
    to have an eight fig business and a lot
  • 00:12:33
    of times we're sold this by social media
  • 00:12:36
    and society and so a lot of people like
  • 00:12:38
    I don't know what my purpose is I can't
  • 00:12:40
    find it and so what do they do they go
  • 00:12:42
    right to their phones and they look at
  • 00:12:44
    Instagram and Tik Tock and what are they
  • 00:12:46
    seeing they're seeing six-pack abs and
  • 00:12:48
    eight figure businesses and wearing the
  • 00:12:50
    nicest clothes and traveling to every
  • 00:12:52
    country in the world and the problem is
  • 00:12:54
    a lot of the people putting out those
  • 00:12:55
    images whether it's in social media or
  • 00:12:57
    in marketing are trying to sell you
  • 00:12:59
    something but we co-opt this version of
  • 00:13:02
    purpose because we don't know what feels
  • 00:13:04
    purposeful and we've been told that it's
  • 00:13:06
    supposed to be big and impactful and
  • 00:13:07
    important but a lot of us don't have
  • 00:13:09
    agency to actually have six-pack abs or
  • 00:13:12
    run the E figure business we're not the
  • 00:13:14
    right person at the right time saying
  • 00:13:15
    the right things with the right genetics
  • 00:13:16
    and a whole lot of luck and so a lot of
  • 00:13:19
    the times we fail which makes us feel
  • 00:13:21
    just lost and anxious or God forbid we
  • 00:13:25
    succeed and we realize that we don't
  • 00:13:28
    still feel build up and so we have to
  • 00:13:30
    double down and then pick the biggest
  • 00:13:33
    better things so now I've have an a
  • 00:13:35
    figure business but I want to be a
  • 00:13:37
    multiple billionaire I want to be in the
  • 00:13:39
    list of top 50 billionaires or what have
  • 00:13:41
    you we know that we tend to habituate
  • 00:13:43
    back down to a baseline especially with
  • 00:13:45
    this goal oriented purpose good we need
  • 00:13:47
    to look at other examples not that kind
  • 00:13:50
    of folks on social media or the
  • 00:13:51
    billionaires like when we're looking for
  • 00:13:52
    people who achieve little PE purpose
  • 00:13:55
    it's not necessarily the people we
  • 00:13:56
    expect you shared the story someone that
  • 00:13:59
    you grew up with kind of baseball card
  • 00:14:01
    guy that worked in your neighborhood
  • 00:14:03
    share his story and why was it so
  • 00:14:05
    powerful for gaining Little P purpose so
  • 00:14:07
    Roman changed my life and he never ever
  • 00:14:11
    meant to but he did anyway and this is I
  • 00:14:14
    think the importance of little PE
  • 00:14:15
    purpose because not only is it reachable
  • 00:14:17
    in something we all can do but it
  • 00:14:18
    actually can lead to really big impact
  • 00:14:20
    in Legacy and so Roman was a baseball
  • 00:14:22
    player in high school he blew out his
  • 00:14:24
    knee kind of gave up on that dream
  • 00:14:27
    decided not to go to college and took
  • 00:14:29
    over his father's antique shop because
  • 00:14:31
    he was good at redoing Furniture right
  • 00:14:34
    they would bring him armoir and things
  • 00:14:35
    and he would fix them up restain them
  • 00:14:37
    and sell them and so he's busy in this
  • 00:14:39
    life running the antique store and a
  • 00:14:41
    Gentleman dropped off an armoir and he
  • 00:14:43
    saw that he could make an easy profit so
  • 00:14:45
    he bought it he was in the back starting
  • 00:14:47
    to fix it up at his antique store and
  • 00:14:49
    noticed a box of baseball cards in one
  • 00:14:51
    of the drawers so he called the guy up
  • 00:14:52
    and said hey I got your baseball cards
  • 00:14:53
    you want to come pick them up the guy
  • 00:14:54
    said n don't worry about it so Roman
  • 00:14:56
    knew nothing about baseball cards so we
  • 00:14:58
    took them put them on the counter didn't
  • 00:14:59
    even think twice about them a few days
  • 00:15:01
    later a woman came in with her snarky
  • 00:15:02
    teenager looking bored as can be at
  • 00:15:05
    being brought into this antique store
  • 00:15:07
    and then he noticed the box of baseball
  • 00:15:09
    cards and starts flipping through them
  • 00:15:10
    and he looks up at Roman says hey how
  • 00:15:11
    much for the baseball cards now Roman
  • 00:15:13
    had no idea this was just something
  • 00:15:15
    extra so he's like H 10 bucks that'll be
  • 00:15:17
    fine so the kid plops down $10 and as
  • 00:15:20
    snarky teenagers do he spread them out
  • 00:15:22
    on the table and said this one this one
  • 00:15:24
    and this one three of the hundred of
  • 00:15:26
    cards he said these together are worth
  • 00:15:28
    100 on their own now Roman could have
  • 00:15:31
    been angry but he wasn't but instead he
  • 00:15:33
    found himself enthralled a part of his
  • 00:15:36
    brain lit up that he wasn't expecting
  • 00:15:37
    and I don't know why I don't think he
  • 00:15:39
    knew why maybe it was that he used to
  • 00:15:41
    remember putting baseball cards in the
  • 00:15:43
    spokes of his bike or that he remembered
  • 00:15:45
    going to Wrigley Field with his dad and
  • 00:15:46
    sitting in the bleachers when he was a
  • 00:15:48
    little kid I'm not sure what it was and
  • 00:15:49
    I don't think Roman could have told you
  • 00:15:51
    but he felt a spark and that became a
  • 00:15:53
    purpose anchor for him now this again is
  • 00:15:55
    the big distinction it's not that he
  • 00:15:57
    found purpose although this one one day
  • 00:15:59
    something lit up in his brain he
  • 00:16:00
    actually had to build a life of purpose
  • 00:16:02
    around that so he decided I'm going to
  • 00:16:04
    sell baseball cards in my antique store
  • 00:16:06
    he wasn't trying to make millions of
  • 00:16:08
    dollars he already had a successful
  • 00:16:09
    antique store he just said boy this
  • 00:16:11
    sounds fun and interesting so he hired
  • 00:16:13
    the snarky teenager right away he
  • 00:16:14
    started studying the baseball card
  • 00:16:16
    Market he started buying inventory and a
  • 00:16:18
    few years later I walked into that
  • 00:16:21
    antique store you see I was as 8 n 10
  • 00:16:24
    year- old my father had died I had had a
  • 00:16:26
    learning disability I had almost no
  • 00:16:29
    friends I was the typical geek or nerd I
  • 00:16:32
    had no Community but I loved baseball
  • 00:16:35
    cards and so I go to that antique shop
  • 00:16:37
    and Roman became a mentor when I had a
  • 00:16:40
    bad day he would counsel me he'd give me
  • 00:16:42
    a free pack of baseball cards we'd open
  • 00:16:43
    it up and eat the god aul gum that came
  • 00:16:45
    in the middle and it wasn't just me but
  • 00:16:47
    it was dozens and dozens of other kids
  • 00:16:49
    who found community and connections and
  • 00:16:51
    a sense of confidence all from Roman's
  • 00:16:55
    little PE purpose sadly Roman eventually
  • 00:16:57
    got cancer he had to close the antique
  • 00:17:00
    shop and he died that was like 30 or 40
  • 00:17:04
    years ago but think about all those kids
  • 00:17:07
    who left that little community that he
  • 00:17:10
    built who became doctors and lawyers and
  • 00:17:12
    maybe they bought and sold things like
  • 00:17:14
    Roman but walked in the world with a
  • 00:17:16
    huge amount of confidence and a feeling
  • 00:17:18
    like they belonged 30 years later those
  • 00:17:22
    kids are still changing the world and
  • 00:17:23
    having their own kids and passing down
  • 00:17:25
    maybe even the love of baseball cards
  • 00:17:28
    and I like to contrast that to Mickey
  • 00:17:30
    Mantle because when I was a little kid
  • 00:17:32
    collecting baseball cards all we wanted
  • 00:17:34
    was Mickey Mantle cards now if I or even
  • 00:17:37
    Roman for that matter had decided to
  • 00:17:40
    look at Mickey Mantle and develop a
  • 00:17:42
    sense of purpose around him like maybe
  • 00:17:44
    we want to be major league baseball
  • 00:17:45
    players and break all sorts of Records
  • 00:17:47
    like him that's kind of big audacious
  • 00:17:48
    purpose well Roman couldn't he blew out
  • 00:17:50
    his knee and me I just didn't have the
  • 00:17:52
    talent the skills the mentors I didn't
  • 00:17:54
    have anything in place to do that so if
  • 00:17:56
    that had been our version of purpose we
  • 00:17:58
    probably both would have ended up
  • 00:18:00
    miserable when we failed but instead the
  • 00:18:03
    guy remembers Roman this guy who did
  • 00:18:05
    something that Lit him up and a happy
  • 00:18:08
    accident of that was that he changed the
  • 00:18:10
    world and he still exists his effect his
  • 00:18:13
    impact are still there all these decades
  • 00:18:16
    later so how can we follow Roman's
  • 00:18:19
    example and find our own little PE
  • 00:18:20
    purpose we'll hear Jordan's tips right
  • 00:18:23
    after the break
  • 00:18:31
    people who get hopelessly lost in the
  • 00:18:32
    Blazing desert sometimes report seeing
  • 00:18:35
    what looks like life-giving water just
  • 00:18:37
    over the horizon but no matter how far
  • 00:18:39
    they walk towards that shimmering Lake
  • 00:18:40
    they never reach it doctor and podcaster
  • 00:18:43
    Jordan grommet says those of us
  • 00:18:45
    thirsting for purpose often fall for the
  • 00:18:47
    same thing we chase after visions that
  • 00:18:49
    turn out to be what he calls purpose
  • 00:18:52
    mirages purpose mirages are basically
  • 00:18:56
    big p purpose that Mas raids as being
  • 00:19:00
    good for us and so whether this is some
  • 00:19:03
    net worth like I want to get to that
  • 00:19:04
    million dollars or billion dollars or
  • 00:19:06
    whatever it is whether it's some career
  • 00:19:09
    achievement whatever it is it's
  • 00:19:12
    something that you convince yourself
  • 00:19:15
    that you will be happy and everything
  • 00:19:16
    will be perfect once you reach it even
  • 00:19:19
    if you don't basically feel yourself lit
  • 00:19:21
    up by the process of doing these things
  • 00:19:23
    you have to do to get there and so I'll
  • 00:19:26
    give you a perfect example I see this
  • 00:19:27
    all the time in podcast in because I
  • 00:19:30
    love podcasting and for me podcasting is
  • 00:19:32
    Little P purpose something I deeply
  • 00:19:33
    enjoy the process of doing once I get in
  • 00:19:35
    front of that microphone to interview
  • 00:19:36
    someone it doesn't matter what comes of
  • 00:19:38
    it other than I have a really joyful
  • 00:19:40
    hour of conversation I could turn that
  • 00:19:42
    into a mirage I could kind of say well
  • 00:19:46
    that's fine but I also want to get a
  • 00:19:47
    million downloads a month and so all of
  • 00:19:49
    a sudden this changes from something I
  • 00:19:51
    enjoy the process of doing to more of a
  • 00:19:53
    goal oriented goal centered process and
  • 00:19:57
    maybe I realized to get I'm going to
  • 00:19:59
    have to do some things I really don't
  • 00:20:00
    want to do like I don't love social
  • 00:20:01
    media I don't love making Tik Tok videos
  • 00:20:04
    those are things I agonize over and find
  • 00:20:07
    that I when I do them I'm generally not
  • 00:20:10
    happy at the end of the day but if I
  • 00:20:11
    really want to get to that million
  • 00:20:12
    downloads maybe that's something I need
  • 00:20:14
    to do and so what happens is we set
  • 00:20:17
    ourselves up to not enjoy what we're
  • 00:20:20
    doing for most of the time whether we
  • 00:20:22
    get to that goal or not and I think this
  • 00:20:24
    is so important because I've seen not
  • 00:20:26
    just in my own life but especially with
  • 00:20:27
    my Yale student right where this idea of
  • 00:20:30
    kind of going after these mirages
  • 00:20:32
    whether it's money or accomplishments or
  • 00:20:33
    grades or whatever it winds up crowding
  • 00:20:36
    out the little PE purpose that they
  • 00:20:38
    could have had you love your sport and
  • 00:20:39
    you're sort of maybe you're a track
  • 00:20:41
    athlete because of that but then it's
  • 00:20:42
    then it's the winds and the monies and
  • 00:20:44
    then you start hating it because now
  • 00:20:45
    you're sort of chasing after these other
  • 00:20:47
    things so we can get in these situations
  • 00:20:48
    where like the part that we hate going
  • 00:20:51
    after the wrong thing can like literally
  • 00:20:53
    get rid of the joy that we were getting
  • 00:20:55
    from something else before yeah I mean I
  • 00:20:57
    think happiness contentment is really a
  • 00:21:00
    marathon not a Sprint again we set
  • 00:21:03
    ourselves up for Burnout because we are
  • 00:21:05
    doing things we innately don't love to
  • 00:21:08
    get to this thing we think we will love
  • 00:21:11
    but the problem is you spend so much
  • 00:21:14
    time in the process and so little time
  • 00:21:16
    in actually achieving the goal and again
  • 00:21:18
    we're really good as human beings at
  • 00:21:20
    habituating back down to a certain level
  • 00:21:22
    of Happiness so even if you think that
  • 00:21:24
    goal is going to really light you up and
  • 00:21:25
    you're going to be happy the rest of
  • 00:21:26
    your life because of it we all know that
  • 00:21:28
    it's fleeting it's transitory so it
  • 00:21:32
    makes much more sense to invest in those
  • 00:21:34
    things we enjoy the process of doing
  • 00:21:35
    because that's going to actually take up
  • 00:21:37
    most of our time and you know the secret
  • 00:21:40
    is time passes no matter what you do it
  • 00:21:43
    can't be commoditized you can't buy it
  • 00:21:44
    you can't sell it you can't trade it the
  • 00:21:46
    only thing you can do is control what
  • 00:21:48
    activities you're involved with as time
  • 00:21:50
    passes and so winning the game in my
  • 00:21:53
    opinion is filling up that time with as
  • 00:21:55
    much purposeful activity you love the
  • 00:21:57
    process of doing and getting rid of as
  • 00:21:59
    many things that you loath as possible
  • 00:22:01
    and especially with young people I love
  • 00:22:02
    to say it behooves you to start looking
  • 00:22:05
    at your calendar today and start working
  • 00:22:08
    towards improving that calendar every
  • 00:22:10
    week every month because time is finite
  • 00:22:14
    and we have no idea how much we have and
  • 00:22:17
    so I want you all to win the game so I
  • 00:22:19
    really want you to continuously look at
  • 00:22:20
    the calendar and build in things you
  • 00:22:22
    love Little P purpose and get rid of
  • 00:22:24
    things you loathe and just wash rinse
  • 00:22:26
    and repeat over and over again and that
  • 00:22:29
    gets to your second tip for kind of
  • 00:22:31
    finding better little PE purpose right
  • 00:22:32
    which is that when we kind of look
  • 00:22:34
    through our calendar we have to pay
  • 00:22:35
    attention to what's going on internally
  • 00:22:37
    tip number two is that you can't look
  • 00:22:39
    for your purpose externally you need to
  • 00:22:41
    find it yourself this is one that I
  • 00:22:43
    really love because especially when
  • 00:22:44
    thinking about my students I think it's
  • 00:22:46
    so easy for them and for all of us to
  • 00:22:48
    just get caught up in other people's
  • 00:22:49
    ideas of what you know our purpose
  • 00:22:51
    should be we can kind of co-opt what
  • 00:22:53
    other people seem to like in ways that
  • 00:22:55
    sort of really run us astray how do we
  • 00:22:57
    fix this how do we find our purpose
  • 00:22:59
    internally there are some great ways to
  • 00:23:02
    really connect with your sense of
  • 00:23:04
    purpose but it is true the first thing
  • 00:23:06
    you have to realize is society marketing
  • 00:23:09
    social media everyone has a version of
  • 00:23:12
    purpose for you that probably fulfills
  • 00:23:14
    their needs so when we think of society
  • 00:23:16
    marketing it's obvious they want to make
  • 00:23:17
    money on you but but also your parents
  • 00:23:19
    and your family they have a version of
  • 00:23:20
    purpose for you and often it fulfills
  • 00:23:22
    their needs maybe you can make up for
  • 00:23:24
    the thing they couldn't do or maybe
  • 00:23:26
    they're worried about your stability and
  • 00:23:28
    so they create this version of purpose
  • 00:23:29
    for you too which might not align with
  • 00:23:31
    who you actually are and so the idea is
  • 00:23:34
    to let go of other people's version of
  • 00:23:37
    purpose and get more in touch with yours
  • 00:23:38
    and so I often say we don't find our
  • 00:23:40
    purpose we create or build it but it is
  • 00:23:42
    true that we need these purpose anchors
  • 00:23:44
    which are inklings or beckoning of
  • 00:23:46
    things that light us up which we can
  • 00:23:48
    then build a life of purpose around and
  • 00:23:50
    so the best way is to think about a
  • 00:23:53
    number of exercises we actually can do
  • 00:23:56
    that help us get way more in touch with
  • 00:23:57
    what these purpose anchors are you and I
  • 00:23:59
    talked about one of them in the
  • 00:24:00
    beginning which is the regrets of the
  • 00:24:02
    dying I think regret is a wonderful way
  • 00:24:05
    to start thinking about purpose again
  • 00:24:07
    people are dying only have a short
  • 00:24:09
    period of time left they don't have a
  • 00:24:10
    lot of energy and so unfortunately
  • 00:24:13
    regret is really really disappointing
  • 00:24:16
    because they don't have agency to do
  • 00:24:17
    anything about that but if we can put
  • 00:24:19
    you in that mindset of what would you
  • 00:24:21
    regret at the end of your life if that
  • 00:24:24
    was to be in the next week or month and
  • 00:24:26
    start thinking what have I never had the
  • 00:24:27
    energy courage time to do we can then
  • 00:24:30
    turn that into a purpose anchor that's
  • 00:24:31
    the easy part is realizing what's
  • 00:24:33
    important to us the hard part is then
  • 00:24:35
    you've got to do the work you've got to
  • 00:24:36
    actually build a life of purpose around
  • 00:24:38
    it so I think regrets are a great way
  • 00:24:41
    another one is joys of childhood so I
  • 00:24:42
    always tell people kids are extremely
  • 00:24:45
    purposeful right they haven't co-opted
  • 00:24:46
    anyone else's version of purpose yet
  • 00:24:48
    especially when they're very young so
  • 00:24:49
    they go out and they play they do
  • 00:24:51
    whatever they want to do they lose track
  • 00:24:53
    of time they enter what we call right
  • 00:24:54
    this Flow State where they're so lost
  • 00:24:57
    they forget to come home for dinner and
  • 00:24:58
    they're just enjoying the moment kids
  • 00:25:00
    don't worry about some big audacious
  • 00:25:01
    goal most of the time they just want to
  • 00:25:03
    do what they want to do they love the
  • 00:25:05
    process of doing it we let go of those
  • 00:25:07
    versions of purposes we get older when
  • 00:25:09
    we start thinking about career and
  • 00:25:10
    school and all those other things so I
  • 00:25:12
    often tell people you know look around
  • 00:25:13
    your bedroom think back to what
  • 00:25:15
    decorated your bedroom what were the
  • 00:25:17
    posters what were the trophies what were
  • 00:25:19
    the drawings often those can be those
  • 00:25:23
    beckoning that we can then build a life
  • 00:25:24
    purpose around hey for me I'm busy right
  • 00:25:26
    I have a lot of things going on I have a
  • 00:25:27
    lot ofp purpose anchors but if I ever
  • 00:25:29
    run out of them I loved baseball cards
  • 00:25:31
    when I was little and so every time I'm
  • 00:25:32
    scrolling through Facebook or looking in
  • 00:25:33
    the newspaper and I see something about
  • 00:25:35
    baseball or baseball cards especially
  • 00:25:36
    like with the oldtime photos my brain
  • 00:25:38
    lights up I feel it I feel it in my
  • 00:25:40
    chest I feel it in my brain I'm like I
  • 00:25:42
    get really excited so I know that's a
  • 00:25:44
    joy of childhood it's could be a purpose
  • 00:25:46
    anchor and if I find that I really am
  • 00:25:48
    like boy life doesn't feel very
  • 00:25:49
    purposeful and I have free time I can
  • 00:25:51
    start pursuing that it seems like what
  • 00:25:53
    you're doing there is sort of getting to
  • 00:25:55
    what your tip number three is Right
  • 00:25:57
    which is that we need to know notice the
  • 00:25:58
    process not the goal we need to kind of
  • 00:26:00
    pay attention to these so-called purpose
  • 00:26:02
    anchors the stuff that lights us up
  • 00:26:04
    you've mentioned purpose anchors before
  • 00:26:05
    but I wanted you to kind of give me a
  • 00:26:07
    quick definition you know what are these
  • 00:26:09
    sorts of things so purpose anchors are
  • 00:26:11
    just the inklings they are the beckoning
  • 00:26:14
    of things that you could find joy in and
  • 00:26:18
    so the question
  • 00:26:20
    is what seems joyful out of the box and
  • 00:26:23
    again a lot of people like well I don't
  • 00:26:25
    know what that is but a lot of us do
  • 00:26:27
    know that they're whisperings in our
  • 00:26:29
    life like I knew when I was training to
  • 00:26:31
    be a doctor that I also wanted to be a
  • 00:26:32
    writer there was just something about it
  • 00:26:35
    and that's why I was trying to fitt it
  • 00:26:36
    into these little bits of time when I
  • 00:26:38
    wasn't busy with other things we all
  • 00:26:41
    know that many of us are trying to fall
  • 00:26:43
    asleep at night and sometimes we have
  • 00:26:44
    these crazy ideas and we get so excited
  • 00:26:48
    we stay up all night we can't fall
  • 00:26:49
    asleep and then the next day you are so
  • 00:26:51
    exhausted you figure it was crazy you
  • 00:26:54
    move on you go to work and never think
  • 00:26:55
    about it again but sometimes those are
  • 00:26:57
    the whisperings like what keeps you up
  • 00:26:59
    at night what excites you what do your
  • 00:27:01
    friends and family tell you when you do
  • 00:27:03
    this thing you are most lit up those are
  • 00:27:05
    those anchors they're just things that
  • 00:27:08
    cause you immediate Joy there doesn't
  • 00:27:09
    need to be an explanation but it's a
  • 00:27:12
    great place to start that active process
  • 00:27:15
    of creating action in the present and
  • 00:27:16
    future building what I call these climbs
  • 00:27:19
    these purposeful activities it's just a
  • 00:27:22
    great starting place and they should be
  • 00:27:24
    abundant most people when they do the
  • 00:27:27
    work realize that they're actually lots
  • 00:27:29
    of little things out there that excite
  • 00:27:30
    them and when they let go of this idea
  • 00:27:32
    that it has to be this big important
  • 00:27:34
    thing or something other other people
  • 00:27:36
    want to do or it has to lead to some
  • 00:27:38
    kind of wealth or fame when they drop
  • 00:27:40
    all that and just say well what are the
  • 00:27:43
    things I love to do it becomes much
  • 00:27:46
    easier and much more abundant which is
  • 00:27:48
    something that people never they never
  • 00:27:50
    use that term abundant when they talk
  • 00:27:52
    about purpose it always seems like it's
  • 00:27:54
    something totally scarce and so that's
  • 00:27:55
    why I want to kind of flip that switch
  • 00:27:57
    it's time for a quick break but when we
  • 00:27:59
    return Jordan will share a lesson he
  • 00:28:01
    learned from patience in their final
  • 00:28:03
    days of Life the happiness lab will be
  • 00:28:05
    right
  • 00:28:11
    back Dr Jordan grommet says he was wrong
  • 00:28:14
    to think that practicing medicine would
  • 00:28:16
    give his life purpose but he did find
  • 00:28:18
    one part of his profession that was
  • 00:28:19
    deeply fulfilling his work with people
  • 00:28:22
    at the end of their lives working in
  • 00:28:24
    paliative care taught him another great
  • 00:28:26
    way to identify that little PE Purpose
  • 00:28:29
    By conducting what's called a Life
  • 00:28:30
    review so I first heard of a Life review
  • 00:28:33
    as a hospice medical director and so I
  • 00:28:36
    started hospice work because I was
  • 00:28:38
    working with a lot of elderly and I was
  • 00:28:40
    taking care of them at the end of life
  • 00:28:42
    and a hospice nurse said hey you're
  • 00:28:43
    really good at this maybe you should
  • 00:28:45
    work with us there's not a huge number
  • 00:28:46
    of hospice doctors I started working
  • 00:28:48
    with them and a lot of times you learn
  • 00:28:50
    on your feet especially doing things
  • 00:28:51
    like this and I would go to our weekly
  • 00:28:53
    meetings and the social workers would
  • 00:28:55
    keep on talking about okay we performed
  • 00:28:57
    a Life review Etc and you know the first
  • 00:28:59
    time or two I heard it I didn't think
  • 00:29:01
    much about it but then I started asking
  • 00:29:02
    questions what is this life review and
  • 00:29:04
    and why do we do it and so in hospice we
  • 00:29:06
    have a few main goals it's not to
  • 00:29:08
    prolong life what it is is to make
  • 00:29:10
    people comfortable cover their pain
  • 00:29:12
    their nausea make sure they're dying
  • 00:29:14
    where they want to die whether that's
  • 00:29:15
    home in a nursing home or sist of living
  • 00:29:17
    but another piece of that is helping
  • 00:29:19
    them come to terms and their family for
  • 00:29:21
    that matter come to terms with this idea
  • 00:29:23
    that their life is ending and one thing
  • 00:29:25
    that social workers chaplain doctors
  • 00:29:27
    nurses can do with a patient of their
  • 00:29:29
    family is called a Life review it's a
  • 00:29:30
    series of structured questions that ask
  • 00:29:33
    people to really review the important
  • 00:29:35
    moments in their lives what were their
  • 00:29:37
    most important moments what were their
  • 00:29:39
    biggest triumphs what were their biggest
  • 00:29:40
    failures which relationships meant the
  • 00:29:43
    most to them and a big part of that too
  • 00:29:45
    we often ask is what are their regrets
  • 00:29:47
    and so This Life
  • 00:29:49
    review I found so beneficial in the
  • 00:29:52
    dying and it helps people find this
  • 00:29:54
    sense of Peace but I also realized when
  • 00:29:56
    working with hospice you know a lot of
  • 00:29:58
    people ask me how do you have a good
  • 00:29:59
    death and so I often say well the best
  • 00:30:02
    way to have a good death is to have a
  • 00:30:03
    good life because we tend to Die the way
  • 00:30:06
    we lived and so then the question
  • 00:30:08
    becomes how to have a good life and I
  • 00:30:10
    was seeing so much benefit with this
  • 00:30:11
    Life review while people were dying Why
  • 00:30:14
    not start doing that earlier why aren't
  • 00:30:16
    we doing this on a yearly basis why
  • 00:30:17
    aren't we doing these life reviews and
  • 00:30:19
    asking ourselves those big questions and
  • 00:30:21
    again I especially like the regret
  • 00:30:23
    question because I think it's a great
  • 00:30:24
    place to start working on those purpose
  • 00:30:27
    anchor
  • 00:30:28
    and so that's sort of tip number four
  • 00:30:30
    this idea of a Life review tip number
  • 00:30:32
    five is something we mentioned a little
  • 00:30:33
    bit before but I want to dig into a bit
  • 00:30:35
    now which is this idea of going back to
  • 00:30:37
    childhood like literally going back to
  • 00:30:39
    your childhood room when you go back to
  • 00:30:41
    your childhood room what do you see and
  • 00:30:43
    what did it tell you about your little
  • 00:30:44
    Peete purpose oh my god there was a mess
  • 00:30:48
    of baseball cards in every way shape or
  • 00:30:50
    form there were Sports posters there
  • 00:30:54
    were trophies from Little League there
  • 00:30:57
    was probably a few notebooks of papers
  • 00:31:00
    and pens cuz I started writing poetry
  • 00:31:01
    when I was little there were school
  • 00:31:03
    books everywhere funny
  • 00:31:06
    enough there were the hints of what I
  • 00:31:09
    would eventually become as an adult I
  • 00:31:12
    just didn't know it at the time what
  • 00:31:14
    there wasn't uh there wasn't pictures of
  • 00:31:16
    famous doctors there wasn't toy
  • 00:31:19
    stethoscopes gry's Anatomy that famous
  • 00:31:21
    book was not on my bookshelf
  • 00:31:23
    interestingly enough there was almost
  • 00:31:25
    nothing that reflected an interest in
  • 00:31:28
    medicine and so many things that
  • 00:31:31
    suggested an interest in certain types
  • 00:31:32
    of sports in collecting in writing in
  • 00:31:35
    communicating all of that was there just
  • 00:31:37
    nothing about being a doctor so you had
  • 00:31:39
    baseball cards piles of stuff evidence
  • 00:31:41
    of your writing no stethoscopes what
  • 00:31:44
    kind of hit is that giving you about
  • 00:31:45
    your purpose I was trying to co-opt
  • 00:31:48
    someone else's version of purpose my
  • 00:31:49
    father's and because I had gone through
  • 00:31:53
    this really traumatic thing and I needed
  • 00:31:56
    as a kid to grasp respond to something
  • 00:31:58
    that made sense so I could move forward
  • 00:32:01
    and so it really made sense that if I
  • 00:32:02
    became a doctor like him I would fix
  • 00:32:04
    everything but coping his version of
  • 00:32:06
    purpose didn't fit with who I was and so
  • 00:32:09
    all you had to do was look around that
  • 00:32:11
    room to see who I was but I really built
  • 00:32:13
    a life around this purpose that wasn't
  • 00:32:15
    mine and I would submit that most of us
  • 00:32:18
    do exactly that most of us grab on to
  • 00:32:21
    some version of purpose that is
  • 00:32:23
    suggested to us there are a few really
  • 00:32:25
    lucky people who don't who realize what
  • 00:32:28
    lights them up and pursue that path but
  • 00:32:31
    most of us pivot to becoming adults
  • 00:32:34
    we're told okay playtime is over you
  • 00:32:36
    were a kid then but now you're becoming
  • 00:32:39
    a young adult and it's time to get
  • 00:32:40
    serious about school it's time to pick
  • 00:32:42
    one of those main careers that suggests
  • 00:32:44
    success that's going to provide for you
  • 00:32:46
    economically and I think all of us do
  • 00:32:48
    that we just jump in and just forget all
  • 00:32:50
    the stuff that was on our floor and
  • 00:32:51
    you've argued that if you look at your
  • 00:32:53
    childhood room and there's lots of stuff
  • 00:32:54
    all over the floor then that's okay too
  • 00:32:56
    that gets us to tip number six which is
  • 00:32:58
    what you've called the spaghetti method
  • 00:33:00
    what's the spaghetti method and why is
  • 00:33:02
    it okay if lots of stuff comes up when
  • 00:33:03
    you start looking for these small
  • 00:33:05
    purposes well here's the thing when
  • 00:33:07
    discussing little PE purpose I still get
  • 00:33:09
    people who are resilient they'll say
  • 00:33:10
    look I thought about regrets in the life
  • 00:33:12
    of you that's not helping me I thought
  • 00:33:13
    about the joys of childhood that's not
  • 00:33:15
    helping me I've looked at my job and
  • 00:33:17
    there's nothing there that I love that's
  • 00:33:18
    not helping me and so if you are one of
  • 00:33:20
    those people if you are kind of
  • 00:33:22
    resilient to finding these anchors I
  • 00:33:24
    think it behooves you to find the
  • 00:33:26
    spaghetti method which is you throw a
  • 00:33:27
    bunch of things against the wall and see
  • 00:33:29
    what sticks you say yes to things you
  • 00:33:32
    normally don't say yes to you talk to
  • 00:33:33
    people you normally don't talk to you do
  • 00:33:35
    things that maybe make you feel a little
  • 00:33:37
    anxious or uncomfortable and at the end
  • 00:33:39
    of the day you evaluate and say did that
  • 00:33:41
    light me up yes or no and if the answer
  • 00:33:43
    is hey I did find some joy in that that
  • 00:33:45
    might be the beginning of a purpose
  • 00:33:47
    anchor and so you kind of do use the
  • 00:33:48
    spaghetti method and find all these
  • 00:33:50
    possible purpose anchors by trying these
  • 00:33:52
    new things but you've also argued the
  • 00:33:54
    flip side which is like we can't have
  • 00:33:56
    little PE purpose in everything
  • 00:33:58
    especially if we are busy with all this
  • 00:34:00
    stuff that's not giving us purpose and
  • 00:34:02
    that's what gets us to your final tip
  • 00:34:03
    tip number seven which might be a hard
  • 00:34:05
    one for a lot of us we need to embrace
  • 00:34:07
    the art of subtraction what's that so I
  • 00:34:10
    often talk about the workplace because
  • 00:34:11
    this is a question I get all the time
  • 00:34:13
    they're like look I've got to do my 9
  • 00:34:15
    to-5 I don't love it but I need to make
  • 00:34:17
    money you're saying find your purpose I
  • 00:34:19
    feel stuck like this is something that's
  • 00:34:21
    not purposeful for me but I've got to do
  • 00:34:23
    it and it is what it is and so what I
  • 00:34:25
    always tell people is do exactly what I
  • 00:34:27
    did with being a doctor I want you to
  • 00:34:28
    list out the 20 things that are roles
  • 00:34:32
    and responsibilities of your job and I
  • 00:34:33
    want you to take a sharp pencil and
  • 00:34:35
    start scratching out everyone you don't
  • 00:34:36
    like everything you Lo everything that's
  • 00:34:38
    boring Etc most people when they do that
  • 00:34:42
    will have one or two things left over
  • 00:34:44
    for me it was hospice medicine and so
  • 00:34:46
    the goal then is remember we said
  • 00:34:48
    winning the game right is doing as much
  • 00:34:50
    little people purose as possible and
  • 00:34:51
    getting rid of as many things you load
  • 00:34:52
    as possible wash rinse repeat so the
  • 00:34:54
    goal then is I'm not going to get out of
  • 00:34:56
    this job but what level are available to
  • 00:34:58
    maybe do more of that stuff I love in
  • 00:35:00
    the job and do less of stuff I don't
  • 00:35:02
    love and so let me give you another
  • 00:35:03
    example I think about it this way let's
  • 00:35:05
    say you work at a restaurant and you
  • 00:35:07
    don't like working up front at the
  • 00:35:08
    counter and you spend 90% of your time
  • 00:35:10
    doing that but the one thing you do love
  • 00:35:12
    is every Thursday morning you get to
  • 00:35:14
    stock the stock room it takes about two
  • 00:35:15
    hours you love writing things down you
  • 00:35:17
    love organizing you love ordering that's
  • 00:35:19
    it
  • 00:35:21
    well maybe the person who owns your
  • 00:35:24
    restaurant owns four restaurants and
  • 00:35:26
    there's an employee who has to stop for
  • 00:35:28
    each of those restaurants and maybe so
  • 00:35:29
    you go to your boss and say you know
  • 00:35:30
    what I don't really love my time at the
  • 00:35:33
    counter helping customers maybe you
  • 00:35:36
    allow me to go to all of our different
  • 00:35:38
    restaurants every day and I'll stock and
  • 00:35:40
    do the stock room in each one of them
  • 00:35:42
    and therefore what I've done is I've
  • 00:35:44
    increased the time I'm doing something I
  • 00:35:45
    like and decreased the time of doing
  • 00:35:47
    something I don't like and so you're
  • 00:35:49
    starting to improve things you're
  • 00:35:51
    starting to improve that calendar you're
  • 00:35:53
    starting to win the game just a little
  • 00:35:54
    bit so if we can think about that
  • 00:35:56
    month-to-month year to year
  • 00:35:58
    how much change can we bring in how many
  • 00:36:00
    things can we subtract how many joyful
  • 00:36:02
    things can we add and how can we improve
  • 00:36:05
    those numbers so ultimately as we get
  • 00:36:06
    older and older we're doing more and
  • 00:36:08
    more things that we love and less and
  • 00:36:09
    less things that we loathe so how how
  • 00:36:11
    has following these tips really helped
  • 00:36:13
    your life I mean we started the story
  • 00:36:15
    with you being a very burned out doctor
  • 00:36:16
    and you tried some new things where's
  • 00:36:18
    your sense of purpose now I mean I
  • 00:36:21
    learned that I could walk away from
  • 00:36:23
    medicine 2014 it took me till 2018 to
  • 00:36:26
    subtract out enough to be left with only
  • 00:36:29
    hospice work and jump into other things
  • 00:36:32
    and I find myself a lot happier and I'll
  • 00:36:34
    tell you why I mean it really comes down
  • 00:36:36
    to this when I open the Calendar app on
  • 00:36:38
    my phone almost everything on that app
  • 00:36:41
    everything in that calendar is something
  • 00:36:43
    that I put there and I can get rid of at
  • 00:36:46
    the drop of a dime I spend a lot of time
  • 00:36:48
    podcasting and sometimes I edit my own
  • 00:36:50
    podcast okay that can be painful but if
  • 00:36:53
    I decided I didn't want to do it I could
  • 00:36:54
    get rid of it and just not put an
  • 00:36:56
    episode out I have complete control and
  • 00:36:58
    agency I have autonomy these things
  • 00:37:01
    allow me to feel in control and that
  • 00:37:05
    increases my happiness quite a bit I
  • 00:37:08
    found that I've been able to improve
  • 00:37:09
    that calculus of my schedule over the
  • 00:37:11
    years over and over again and so most of
  • 00:37:13
    the things I do or things I want to do
  • 00:37:15
    and that feels deeply fulfilling and
  • 00:37:19
    what's really beautiful about that is
  • 00:37:20
    not only do I really like doing these
  • 00:37:22
    things I found that I connect to other
  • 00:37:24
    people more because when I was a doctor
  • 00:37:26
    I didn't love being a doctor so I kind
  • 00:37:28
    of didn't like hanging out with Doctor
  • 00:37:30
    people I didn't tell people I was a
  • 00:37:31
    doctor when I'd go to a party I wouldn't
  • 00:37:32
    tell anyone what I did for a living
  • 00:37:34
    because I was embarrassed and so I knew
  • 00:37:36
    doctors for decades but never connected
  • 00:37:38
    with them on a deeper level when I
  • 00:37:39
    started doing things that Lit me up that
  • 00:37:40
    I loved not only did I connect with
  • 00:37:42
    people within minutes but I also started
  • 00:37:45
    collaborating with them having them on
  • 00:37:47
    my podcast and then they would have me
  • 00:37:48
    on their podcast and then I was writing
  • 00:37:50
    a book and they'd say hey I've got this
  • 00:37:52
    agent they helped me why don't you meet
  • 00:37:53
    my agent and so what happened is I ended
  • 00:37:55
    up building communities around these
  • 00:37:56
    activities and that has really led to
  • 00:37:59
    happiness not just doing what I want to
  • 00:38:01
    do but connecting with people
  • 00:38:03
    collaborating building and being part of
  • 00:38:05
    communities of people who I love doing
  • 00:38:08
    things that I find deeply interesting
  • 00:38:10
    and it seems like you are in a very
  • 00:38:11
    lucky place right you'd had this time as
  • 00:38:13
    a doctor you are sort of financially
  • 00:38:15
    successful enough that you could move
  • 00:38:16
    certain things around in a way that not
  • 00:38:18
    everybody could but it sounds like your
  • 00:38:20
    message is that this isn't just
  • 00:38:21
    something for privileged folks who are
  • 00:38:23
    starting out with the right finances to
  • 00:38:24
    switch things around this is something
  • 00:38:26
    that everybody can do it is and so what
  • 00:38:29
    I often remind people and this is really
  • 00:38:31
    the privilege conversation people look
  • 00:38:33
    at me and say well you were a doctor and
  • 00:38:34
    you found out that you understood your
  • 00:38:36
    finances and everything was great well
  • 00:38:37
    lucky for you but that's not me like I'm
  • 00:38:39
    22 I'm working 50 60 hours a week I
  • 00:38:42
    don't have time to do the things I love
  • 00:38:45
    and I don't love my job either well
  • 00:38:47
    there are a few things really time and
  • 00:38:48
    money are always the biggest reasons why
  • 00:38:51
    people say they can't do this so time
  • 00:38:53
    let's talk about that really quickly
  • 00:38:54
    first uh the Bureau of Labor Statistics
  • 00:38:56
    does the American times survey on a
  • 00:38:58
    regular basis they've generally found
  • 00:38:59
    that most Americans have about 5 hours
  • 00:39:01
    of free time a day and actually those in
  • 00:39:03
    lower socioeconomic classes probably
  • 00:39:04
    have a little bit more and so it's
  • 00:39:06
    probably not time so then it's money and
  • 00:39:09
    I like to say money is a really
  • 00:39:10
    important tool to living a life of
  • 00:39:12
    purpose but it's only one of many tools
  • 00:39:15
    and so often we forget to use our
  • 00:39:17
    passions our youth our energy our
  • 00:39:19
    connections our skills our communities
  • 00:39:21
    all of these things are tools also and
  • 00:39:23
    so I like to say hey you're 22 and
  • 00:39:25
    you're working 50 hours a week and you
  • 00:39:27
    don't like your job can you use the art
  • 00:39:28
    of subtraction to do more of what you do
  • 00:39:30
    like within the job or can you use the
  • 00:39:32
    joy of addition maybe you have a lot of
  • 00:39:35
    energy and you have more free time on
  • 00:39:37
    the weekends because you don't have a
  • 00:39:38
    family and you don't have a mortgage and
  • 00:39:39
    you don't have kids yet and so you can
  • 00:39:41
    start doing a purposeful joyful activity
  • 00:39:43
    maybe you turn it into a side hustle
  • 00:39:44
    that eventually leads to some economic
  • 00:39:46
    margin but even if it doesn't you've
  • 00:39:48
    used the joy of addition to add in some
  • 00:39:50
    purpose into your life even if you
  • 00:39:51
    haven't gotten rid of something you
  • 00:39:52
    don't love we have all these other
  • 00:39:54
    levers that people generally don't think
  • 00:39:55
    of if I'm 22 and I live in the same city
  • 00:39:58
    as my parents maybe I go live in their
  • 00:39:59
    basement and don't have to pay rent
  • 00:40:02
    maybe that gives me a little economic
  • 00:40:03
    margin so I can work four days a week at
  • 00:40:05
    this job I don't like instead of five
  • 00:40:06
    days a week maybe I can fill that other
  • 00:40:08
    day with purpose or some money-making
  • 00:40:10
    activity and start controlling things
  • 00:40:12
    start improving that schedule I think
  • 00:40:15
    it's easy to say this is an argument of
  • 00:40:17
    privilege but we know that there are
  • 00:40:19
    some tools and some levers that we can
  • 00:40:22
    use to start bringing purpose into our
  • 00:40:24
    life now even if that's 15 minutes of me
  • 00:40:27
    scrolling through Facebook and joining
  • 00:40:30
    baseball card or baseball fan pages
  • 00:40:34
    those 15 minutes are still adding in
  • 00:40:36
    something joyful and that's that little
  • 00:40:38
    beginning that we start building off of
  • 00:40:41
    and I think one of the things we know
  • 00:40:42
    from the purpose research is that once
  • 00:40:44
    you open up to that little beginning
  • 00:40:46
    once you try a little bit you wind up
  • 00:40:48
    feeling more energized you wind up
  • 00:40:49
    getting more Community you wind up
  • 00:40:51
    getting more opportunities to do this so
  • 00:40:53
    in some sense you grow your purpose pie
  • 00:40:55
    over time just by trying this out in
  • 00:40:56
    little ways
  • 00:40:57
    it's momentum the hardest thing is
  • 00:40:59
    starting the hardest thing and again we
  • 00:41:01
    get back to purposes action and present
  • 00:41:03
    in the future the hardest thing is
  • 00:41:05
    building the momentum for that first
  • 00:41:08
    action but once you start taking these
  • 00:41:10
    actions the momentum builds and so again
  • 00:41:13
    autonomy agency this idea that I can
  • 00:41:16
    actually control what's happening in my
  • 00:41:18
    life once you start feeling that it
  • 00:41:21
    almost becomes addictive you don't want
  • 00:41:22
    to
  • 00:41:23
    stop you might not want to stop adding
  • 00:41:25
    purpose to your life but some good
  • 00:41:27
    things have to come to an end like this
  • 00:41:29
    episode but let's quickly recap Jordan's
  • 00:41:32
    tips for finding purpose tip number one
  • 00:41:34
    is to avoid those purpose mirages
  • 00:41:37
    getting rich becoming famous winning a
  • 00:41:39
    Grammy these aren't realistic goals that
  • 00:41:41
    are really going to transform your life
  • 00:41:43
    instead look for little PE purpose and
  • 00:41:45
    things you can do right away tip number
  • 00:41:48
    two your purpose has to be yours and
  • 00:41:50
    yours alone don't do things just to
  • 00:41:52
    impress your parents friends or peers
  • 00:41:55
    the third tip is to stop thinking of
  • 00:41:56
    purpose as a goal you've got to reach
  • 00:41:59
    instead think of it as a process and
  • 00:42:01
    engage in joyful activities whenever
  • 00:42:03
    they present themselves tip four is to
  • 00:42:05
    conduct a Life review ask yourself about
  • 00:42:08
    your regrets and if there's anything you
  • 00:42:09
    can do about them before it's too late
  • 00:42:12
    children are great at finding purpose so
  • 00:42:14
    tip number five is to look back at your
  • 00:42:16
    childhood passions are there any clues
  • 00:42:18
    to the things that might bring you Joy
  • 00:42:19
    as an adult and if you draw a blank tip
  • 00:42:22
    number six recommends the spaghetti
  • 00:42:23
    method just experiment and try out lots
  • 00:42:26
    of stuff that might give you more
  • 00:42:28
    purpose and the final tip tip seven
  • 00:42:30
    isn't about adding more it's about
  • 00:42:32
    subtraction remove as many of the bad
  • 00:42:35
    and boring parts of your life as
  • 00:42:37
    possible we've reached the end of
  • 00:42:39
    Jordan's tips the end of this episode
  • 00:42:41
    and the end of our how-to season but not
  • 00:42:43
    to worry as we'll have lots more in
  • 00:42:44
    store for you over the coming weeks so
  • 00:42:46
    be sure to return soon for the next
  • 00:42:48
    episode of the happiness lab with me Dr
  • 00:42:51
    lri Santos
  • 00:42:53
    [Music]
Tags
  • purpose
  • Little P purpose
  • Big P purpose
  • burnout
  • life review
  • childhood passions
  • spaghetti method
  • joyful activities
  • community
  • regrets