7 Clues to Spot a Covert Narcissist in Conversation

00:13:55
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAiH5Gx1eq0

Summary

TLDRThis video explores how covert narcissists subtly manipulate those around them, blending into lives while causing emotional harm. It uncovers seven conversational clues to identify these individuals, emphasizing on recognizing early signs like mixed messages, backhanded compliments, and victim-playing. Furthermore, the importance of trusting one's gut feeling is highlighted, as intuition can indicate when something is amiss. Covert narcissists often engage in gossip to feel superior or manipulate perceptions. They also struggle to handle disagreements, often becoming defensive or condescending. The video discusses how these narcissists test boundaries, urging viewers to recognize these behaviors to avoid trauma bonds and protect themselves. Trusting instincts and setting firm boundaries are encouraged to prevent emotional entanglement with such personalities.

Takeaways

  • 🪞 Mixed messages are a key trait of covert narcissists.
  • 🤔 Trusting your gut feeling is crucial to identify narcissists.
  • 💬 Backhanded compliments are often used to belittle.
  • 🎭 Covert narcissists play the victim to gain sympathy.
  • 🗣️ Watch for gossip as a sign of manipulation.
  • 🎭 Handling disagreement poorly can reveal narcissists.
  • 🚫 They often push and test boundaries subtly.
  • 💡 Recognize these traits to avoid trauma bonds.
  • 🛡️ Setting boundaries is important in dealing with them.
  • 🔍 Pay attention to feelings of discomfort or irritation.

Timeline

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    Covert narcissists often employ subtle manipulation tactics that can be difficult to detect early on. They may send mixed messages during interactions, showing interest by asking many questions or making future plans yet remaining disengaged. Over time, this behavior intensifies into actions like ghosting and breadcrumbing, contributing to a cycle of emotional abuse and creating a trauma bond. Recognizing these early signs is crucial to avoid being caught in a damaging relationship dynamic.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:13:55

    Covert narcissists also tend to give backhanded compliments, turning normal interactions into personal slights and undermining others subtly. They often play the victim, manipulating circumstances to gain sympathy and deflect responsibility, while possibly being unaware due to past traumas. Trusting one's intuition is important, especially when interactions feel off. Gossip is another hallmark, serving as a means to elevate themselves by demeaning others privately. Disagreements are not well-tolerated, with covert narcissists showing defensiveness or belittling those who dare to challenge them. They often test personal boundaries in conversations, making it important to establish firm boundaries against such behavior.

Mind Map

Video Q&A

  • What are mixed messages from covert narcissists?

    Mixed messages involve showing interest initially, like asking questions or making future plans, but actions later reveal insincerity or lack of genuine interest.

  • What is a backhanded compliment?

    A backhanded compliment is a statement that sounds positive but actually insults or belittles the recipient.

  • How do covert narcissists play the victim?

    They often cast themselves as the wronged party, using the victim role to gain sympathy or deflect responsibility.

  • How important is gut feeling in identifying covert narcissists?

    Gut feelings are crucial as they indicate when something feels off, even if the conscious mind can't pinpoint the issue.

  • Why do covert narcissists engage in gossip?

    They gossip to belittle others, gain a sense of superiority, and manipulate opinions.

  • How do covert narcissists react to disagreement?

    They often deflect, act defensively, and may become hostile or condescending when disagreed with.

  • What are some signs that covert narcissists are pushing boundaries?

    They might pressure you into sharing personal details or doing things you're uncomfortable with, often making you feel guilty for setting limits.

  • Are covert narcissists aware of their manipulation tactics?

    Some may be unaware due to past trauma, but highly narcissistic individuals often lack the willingness to change.

  • How can someone deal with a covert narcissist?

    Recognizing red flags, setting clear boundaries, and trusting one's instincts are essential in dealing with covert narcissists.

  • What is the trauma bond in the context of narcissistic abuse?

    A trauma bond develops when an individual becomes emotionally attached to their abuser due to cycles of intermittent reinforcement.

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  • 00:00:00
    covert narcissists are Masters of
  • 00:00:02
    Disguise blending seamlessly into our
  • 00:00:04
    lives while leaving a trail of emotional
  • 00:00:08
    destruction their subtle manipulation
  • 00:00:10
    tactics can be nearly impossible to
  • 00:00:13
    detect that is until it's too late so in
  • 00:00:16
    this video we're going to uncover seven
  • 00:00:18
    conversational clues that reveal a
  • 00:00:20
    covert narcissist's true nature these
  • 00:00:23
    red flags are easy to miss if you don't
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    know to look out for them so let's dive
  • 00:00:28
    in with number one mixed messages mixed
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    messages are going to be very difficult
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    to detect with a covert narcissist early
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    on especially if there's love bonding
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    which there usually is so they might be
  • 00:00:41
    very flattering with their words and
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    they might stay in a conversation with
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    you for a long time signaling that
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    they're interested in you but if you're
  • 00:00:51
    paying close attention you might notice
  • 00:00:53
    that it's all smoke and mirrors you know
  • 00:00:56
    when you're genuinely interested in
  • 00:00:58
    someone you ask questions and you
  • 00:01:00
    actually care about the answers so a
  • 00:01:04
    covert narcissist might also ask tons of
  • 00:01:07
    questions and even make future plans
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    with you but their eyes glaze over when
  • 00:01:12
    you're talking it's like they're there
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    but they're not really there here are
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    some examples so you can get a feel for
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    what this might look like they not along
  • 00:01:21
    to your stories but can't remember the
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    details later they text frequently but
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    always steer the conversation back to
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    themselves
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    they mirror your interests but something
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    about it feels Hollow and to get even
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    more confusing a covert narcissist may
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    show intense interest in some things
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    like your vulnerabilities for example so
  • 00:01:44
    if someone gets too personal too soon
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    and you're seeing evidence of other red
  • 00:01:49
    flags in this same person it's probably
  • 00:01:52
    best to bow out while you can because if
  • 00:01:55
    you don't once you get to know them a
  • 00:01:57
    little bit better those mixed messages
  • 00:02:00
    start to
  • 00:02:01
    intensify this is when you'll see things
  • 00:02:03
    like ghosting and breadcrumbing and
  • 00:02:05
    here's a helpful comment from one of you
  • 00:02:06
    in the comment section on breadcrumbing
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    I've been through the breadcrumbing
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    thing I call it pulling a carrot in
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    front of a horse it's on a string and no
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    matter how hard you work to get it you
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    never can so if you miss these early mix
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    messages from a covert narcissist you're
  • 00:02:22
    going to find yourself headed down a
  • 00:02:24
    cycle of intermittent reinforcement
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    which is a fancy way of saying their
  • 00:02:29
    emot abusive sometimes and loving other
  • 00:02:33
    times and this is exactly what leads to
  • 00:02:36
    a trauma Bond so if you're feeling
  • 00:02:39
    confused by someone's hot and cold
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    Behavior especially early on pay
  • 00:02:44
    attention it could be a sign you're
  • 00:02:46
    dealing with a covert narcissist so for
  • 00:02:48
    those of you who don't know me my name
  • 00:02:49
    is Christina and I'm a narcissistic
  • 00:02:51
    abuse recovery coach if you're watching
  • 00:02:53
    this and it's hitting close to home I
  • 00:02:56
    want you to know that things do get
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    better and for those of you in the the
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    thick of it right now I've just launched
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    a brand new program specifically
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    designed to help break trauma bonds and
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    get your life back after narcissistic
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    abuse so if you're ready to move forward
  • 00:03:11
    check out the link in the description
  • 00:03:13
    now let's move on to the next subtle
  • 00:03:15
    clue you might be dealing with a covert
  • 00:03:18
    narcissist the backhanded compliments so
  • 00:03:21
    have you ever had someone say something
  • 00:03:23
    that kind of sounded like a compliment
  • 00:03:25
    but left you feeling I don't know kind
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    of off that's the trademark move of a
  • 00:03:30
    covert narcissist they're pros at
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    slipping in little digs disguised as
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    praise now here are a couple of
  • 00:03:38
    examples wow you're so brave to wear
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    that outfit with your body type or maybe
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    you're pretty smart for someone from
  • 00:03:45
    your background ouch right so at first
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    you might think maybe they're just a
  • 00:03:50
    little bit socially awkward and they
  • 00:03:52
    don't know any better but here's the
  • 00:03:54
    thing there's usually more to it than
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    that you see most of the time covert
  • 00:03:58
    narcissists are sec L stewing in their
  • 00:04:00
    own jealousy and resentment they can't
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    stand seeing others shine so they've got
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    to knock you down a peg or two but they
  • 00:04:08
    do it in this sneaky way that makes you
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    question if you're just being too
  • 00:04:13
    sensitive it's like they're testing the
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    waters seeing how much of their BS
  • 00:04:17
    you'll put up with and if you let these
  • 00:04:20
    so-called compliments slide a narcissist
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    is going to amp up the nastiness over
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    time so the next time someone gives you
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    a compliment that leaves you feeling
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    kind of crummy take note it might not be
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    you being overly sensitive it could be a
  • 00:04:34
    red flag waving right in front of you
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    compliments should make you feel good
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    not leave you feeling like you've been
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    slapped with a velvet glove and here's a
  • 00:04:44
    great example of backhanded compliments
  • 00:04:46
    from the comment section my ex-husband
  • 00:04:49
    posted on social media how he was so
  • 00:04:51
    relieved that our daughter got her looks
  • 00:04:53
    from me and her brains from him all
  • 00:04:56
    right so moving along now let's talk
  • 00:04:58
    about the covert narcissist's favorite
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    role the victim you'll see it stronger
  • 00:05:03
    in some than others but these folks have
  • 00:05:05
    a knack for turning normal things into a
  • 00:05:08
    personal slight against them it's like
  • 00:05:10
    they're starring in their own drama
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    where the world is constantly out to get
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    them you might hear the victim mentality
  • 00:05:17
    in a bold way like nothing ever goes my
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    way everyone's always taking advantage
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    of me or I try so hard but no one
  • 00:05:25
    appreciates it or it may come through in
  • 00:05:27
    a more covert way so they won't outright
  • 00:05:30
    say these things but you watch as they
  • 00:05:32
    feel slided by your every word or action
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    they can take one simple sentence and
  • 00:05:37
    spin it into a narrative that someone is
  • 00:05:39
    out to get them but of course they won't
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    do this with you at first in the
  • 00:05:45
    beginning look for signs that they're
  • 00:05:46
    playing the victim in other areas of
  • 00:05:48
    their life because here's the thing this
  • 00:05:50
    victim act serves one of two purposes
  • 00:05:53
    it's either a way to manipulate you into
  • 00:05:55
    providing constant support and
  • 00:05:57
    validation or it conveniently deflect
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    any responsibility for their actions or
  • 00:06:02
    failures onto someone else pay attention
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    to how often they cast themselves as the
  • 00:06:08
    wronged party do they always have a
  • 00:06:11
    story about how they've been mistreated
  • 00:06:13
    are they quick to blame others for their
  • 00:06:15
    problems if so you might be dealing with
  • 00:06:18
    a covert narcissist so if you're always
  • 00:06:19
    playing the role of rescuer or comforter
  • 00:06:22
    it might be time to step back and
  • 00:06:24
    reassess the dynamic and here's a great
  • 00:06:26
    question from one of you in the comments
  • 00:06:27
    that I think is really important to
  • 00:06:29
    answer here
  • 00:06:30
    the question is could it be possible for
  • 00:06:32
    someone to project a victim mentality
  • 00:06:35
    and have narcissistic traits but be
  • 00:06:38
    completely unaware that they're doing it
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    because of past trauma so yes not
  • 00:06:43
    everyone who has narcissistic Tendencies
  • 00:06:45
    is a full-blown narcissist we all have
  • 00:06:48
    defense mechanisms from past trauma that
  • 00:06:51
    could be problematic to ourselves and
  • 00:06:53
    our relationships the difference if
  • 00:06:54
    you're dealing with someone who's highly
  • 00:06:56
    narcissistic is that they're not willing
  • 00:06:58
    to change they are able to a degree but
  • 00:07:02
    that willingness has to come first and
  • 00:07:04
    it usually doesn't and you don't want to
  • 00:07:07
    find yourself stuck in a situation where
  • 00:07:09
    you're wasting years of your life
  • 00:07:11
    waiting for someone to be willing to
  • 00:07:14
    stop acting in hurtful ways that's why
  • 00:07:16
    it's so important to acknowledge these
  • 00:07:18
    red flags early on so now let's talk
  • 00:07:21
    about that gut feeling you get when
  • 00:07:23
    something is just off you know that
  • 00:07:26
    feeling when you meet someone and you
  • 00:07:27
    can't quite put your finger on it but
  • 00:07:28
    something just isn't quite right you
  • 00:07:30
    might be tempted to write it off or feel
  • 00:07:33
    sorry for them but always trust your gut
  • 00:07:36
    at the very least when you're getting
  • 00:07:38
    that feeling proceed with caution so
  • 00:07:40
    maybe their charm feels a little too
  • 00:07:42
    slick like they're laying it on thick
  • 00:07:44
    for a reason or you might notice that
  • 00:07:47
    their reactions to things are well just
  • 00:07:50
    off especially in situations that call
  • 00:07:52
    for emotional empathy you see covert
  • 00:07:55
    narcissists struggle with genuine
  • 00:07:57
    empathy and so they're usually faking it
  • 00:08:00
    and sometimes it shows their responses
  • 00:08:02
    might seem over-the-top dramatic or
  • 00:08:05
    oddly
  • 00:08:06
    underwhelming or maybe it just feels
  • 00:08:08
    forced and awkward like they're reading
  • 00:08:11
    from a how to show empathy handbook
  • 00:08:13
    whatever it is that seems off don't
  • 00:08:15
    brush it aside that little voice in your
  • 00:08:17
    head saying huh that was strange it's
  • 00:08:20
    worth listening to our instincts are
  • 00:08:23
    really great at picking up on things
  • 00:08:25
    that our conscious Minds Miss so if
  • 00:08:27
    you're getting those something's not
  • 00:08:29
    right here Vibes take note so it doesn't
  • 00:08:32
    automatically mean that you're dealing
  • 00:08:33
    with a covert narcissist but it's
  • 00:08:36
    definitely a sign to pay closer
  • 00:08:38
    attention and here's some great advice
  • 00:08:40
    from the comment section intuition and
  • 00:08:42
    trusting your gut are key you need to
  • 00:08:45
    listen to your inner self and not
  • 00:08:47
    overthink even if that person is not
  • 00:08:49
    cluster B you need to walk if the
  • 00:08:51
    chemistry is not there exiting a bad
  • 00:08:53
    relationship is the hard part don't
  • 00:08:55
    waste time on toxic people all right so
  • 00:08:57
    now let's talk about gossip first for a
  • 00:08:59
    second sadly most people do gossip
  • 00:09:02
    sometimes but with covert narcissists
  • 00:09:04
    it's a whole different ball game pay
  • 00:09:06
    close attention to how they talk about
  • 00:09:08
    people who are not in the room it can be
  • 00:09:10
    pretty revealing you might notice that
  • 00:09:13
    they're quick to tear down others often
  • 00:09:15
    with a smile and you may notice that
  • 00:09:17
    their criticism is Harsh and seems to
  • 00:09:19
    come from a place of superiority like
  • 00:09:21
    they're better than the other person and
  • 00:09:23
    you also might see them sharing private
  • 00:09:25
    information about someone else without a
  • 00:09:27
    second thought with a covert n nist
  • 00:09:29
    there's a pattern of making themselves
  • 00:09:31
    look good at another person's expense
  • 00:09:34
    and it might start subtle maybe they
  • 00:09:36
    drop little comments like oh poor Sarah
  • 00:09:39
    she tries so hard but you know or they
  • 00:09:42
    might share juicy secrets that aren't
  • 00:09:44
    Theirs to tell and here's the kicker if
  • 00:09:47
    they're trash talking others to you
  • 00:09:49
    chances are they're doing the same about
  • 00:09:51
    you when you're not around it's not just
  • 00:09:53
    harmless chatter it's a way for them to
  • 00:09:56
    feel Superior and control narratives and
  • 00:09:59
    watch out how they frame these
  • 00:10:00
    conversations too they might act like
  • 00:10:02
    they're confiding in you creating a
  • 00:10:04
    false sense of intimacy but really
  • 00:10:07
    they're just stirring the pot so if
  • 00:10:09
    you're constantly hearing negativity
  • 00:10:11
    about others from them take it as a
  • 00:10:14
    major red flag it's just a matter of
  • 00:10:17
    time before you become the topic of
  • 00:10:19
    their next gossip session and here's an
  • 00:10:21
    interesting comment on Gossip that I
  • 00:10:23
    think a lot of you will relate to my ex
  • 00:10:25
    does this gossip style like I don't want
  • 00:10:28
    to talk about this person and then
  • 00:10:30
    proceeded to trash talk to manipulate
  • 00:10:32
    opinions the fake humility and oh I'm
  • 00:10:35
    just like you once you realize it's so
  • 00:10:37
    disgusting and Insidious and so I don't
  • 00:10:40
    know if any of you remember this but
  • 00:10:42
    this comment reminds me of that old
  • 00:10:44
    character Bita from In Living Color I
  • 00:10:47
    Ain want to gossip but yeah this comment
  • 00:10:49
    sums up the fake humility while tearing
  • 00:10:51
    other people down quite 12 so now let's
  • 00:10:54
    talk about how covert narcissists act
  • 00:10:57
    when someone dares to disagree with them
  • 00:10:59
    it's like watching a master class on
  • 00:11:01
    deflection and defensiveness so you
  • 00:11:04
    might notice they shut down
  • 00:11:06
    conversations pretty quickly if they're
  • 00:11:08
    not going their way suddenly they're
  • 00:11:10
    experts on topics they knew nothing
  • 00:11:12
    about 5 minutes ago and maybe they'll
  • 00:11:15
    twist your words and use them out of
  • 00:11:17
    context to make you look bad not maybe I
  • 00:11:19
    think they actually always do this and
  • 00:11:21
    of course through it all their tone is
  • 00:11:23
    probably going to shift too becoming
  • 00:11:25
    super condescending or even hostile it
  • 00:11:28
    could something like well actually
  • 00:11:32
    followed by an insanely long lecture or
  • 00:11:36
    let's not argue about this you're
  • 00:11:38
    clearly upset when you're perfectly calm
  • 00:11:41
    so here's the thing healthy people can
  • 00:11:44
    disagree and they can handle
  • 00:11:46
    disagreement they might not like it but
  • 00:11:48
    they can engage in a respectful back and
  • 00:11:51
    forth covert narcissists not so much for
  • 00:11:55
    them disagreement feels like a personal
  • 00:11:57
    attack their fragile ego can't handle
  • 00:11:59
    the idea that they might be wrong or
  • 00:12:03
    that someone else might know more so
  • 00:12:05
    they lash out shut down or try to make
  • 00:12:08
    you feel small for daring to have a
  • 00:12:11
    different opinion so watch out for this
  • 00:12:13
    pattern if you find yourself constantly
  • 00:12:15
    walking on eggshells afraid to express a
  • 00:12:18
    different view it might be time to
  • 00:12:21
    reassess that relationship it's okay to
  • 00:12:24
    disagree sometimes what's not okay is
  • 00:12:26
    feeling belittled or dismissed every
  • 00:12:29
    time you do and now here's another thing
  • 00:12:32
    to look out for and this might seem
  • 00:12:33
    subtle at first so let's talk about how
  • 00:12:36
    a covert narcissist will push your
  • 00:12:38
    boundaries in conversation a covert
  • 00:12:40
    narcissist might test your limits in
  • 00:12:42
    ways you barely notice at first it might
  • 00:12:45
    sound something like come on just one
  • 00:12:47
    more drink don't be boring or why won't
  • 00:12:51
    you tell me we're friends aren't we
  • 00:12:54
    they're Masters at making you feel
  • 00:12:56
    guilty for having limits so you might
  • 00:12:58
    find yourself sharing more than you're
  • 00:12:59
    comfortable with or agreeing things that
  • 00:13:01
    you'd rather not do pay attention to how
  • 00:13:04
    you feel during these exchanges if
  • 00:13:07
    you're getting that knot in your stomach
  • 00:13:08
    or a spike of irritation or resentment
  • 00:13:11
    your internal alarm system is trying to
  • 00:13:14
    tell you something that resentment
  • 00:13:16
    building up inside it's a clear sign
  • 00:13:18
    that your boundaries are under attack
  • 00:13:21
    because here's the thing healthy
  • 00:13:22
    relationships respect boundaries so if
  • 00:13:25
    you're constantly feeling pressured or
  • 00:13:27
    guilty in conversations it's time take a
  • 00:13:29
    step back and re-evaluate it's okay to
  • 00:13:32
    say no it's okay to keep things to
  • 00:13:34
    yourself and it's definitely okay to
  • 00:13:36
    walk away from conversations that make
  • 00:13:38
    you feel uncomfortable and if you want
  • 00:13:40
    to learn more about setting boundaries
  • 00:13:42
    with a narcissist click the video that's
  • 00:13:44
    about to pop up on the screen to learn
  • 00:13:46
    10 boundaries you need to set with a
  • 00:13:49
    narcissist and if you haven't already be
  • 00:13:51
    sure to hit that like button before you
  • 00:13:53
    go and I'll see you next time
Tags
  • covert narcissist
  • manipulation
  • emotional abuse
  • red flags
  • mixed messages
  • boundaries
  • trauma bond
  • intuition
  • gossip
  • narcissistic traits