00:00:15
I grew up with my identical twin,
00:00:18
who was an incredibly loving brother.
00:00:21
Now, one thing about being a twin is,
00:00:24
it makes you an expert
at spotting favoritism.
00:00:28
If his cookie was even
slightly bigger than my cookie,
00:00:33
I had questions.
00:00:35
And clearly, I wasn't starving.
00:00:38
(Laughter)
00:00:40
When I became a psychologist,
I began to notice favoritism
00:00:45
of a different kind;
00:00:46
and that is, how much more we value
the body than we do the mind.
00:00:52
I spent nine years at university
earning my doctorate in psychology,
00:00:58
and I can't tell you how many people
look at my business card and say,
00:01:02
"Oh -- a psychologist.
So, not a real doctor,"
00:01:08
as if it should say that on my card.
00:01:10
[Dr. Guy Winch, Just a Psychologist
(Not a Real Doctor)]
00:01:12
(Laughter)
00:01:14
This favoritism we show the body
over the mind --
00:01:19
I see it everywhere.
00:01:21
I recently was at a friend's house,
00:01:23
and their five-year-old
was getting ready for bed.
00:01:25
He was standing on a stool
by the sink, brushing his teeth,
00:01:29
when he slipped and scratched his leg
on the stool when he fell.
00:01:33
He cried for a minute,
but then he got back up,
00:01:36
got back on the stool, and reached out
for a box of Band-Aids
00:01:40
to put one on his cut.
00:01:43
Now, this kid could barely
tie his shoelaces,
00:01:46
but he knew you have to cover a cut
so it doesn't become infected,
00:01:51
and you have to care for your teeth
by brushing twice a day.
00:01:55
We all know how to maintain
our physical health
00:01:58
and how to practice dental hygiene, right?
00:02:00
We've known it since
we were five years old.
00:02:04
But what do we know about maintaining
our psychological health?
00:02:10
Well, nothing.
00:02:11
What do we teach our children
about emotional hygiene?
00:02:16
Nothing.
00:02:18
How is it that we spend more time
taking care of our teeth
00:02:23
than we do our minds?
00:02:26
Why is it that our physical health
is so much more important to us
00:02:31
than our psychological health?
00:02:33
We sustain psychological injuries
even more often than we do physical ones,
00:02:38
injuries like failure
or rejection or loneliness.
00:02:43
And they can also get worse
if we ignore them,
00:02:45
and they can impact our lives
in dramatic ways.
00:02:49
And yet, even though there are
scientifically proven techniques
00:02:53
we could use to treat these
kinds of psychological injuries,
00:02:57
we don't.
00:02:59
It doesn't even occur to us
that we should.
00:03:02
"Oh, you're feeling depressed?
Just shake it off; it's all in your head."
00:03:07
Can you imagine saying that
to somebody with a broken leg:
00:03:10
"Oh, just walk it off;
it's all in your leg."
00:03:12
(Laughter)
00:03:15
It is time we closed the gap
00:03:18
between our physical
and our psychological health.
00:03:21
It's time we made them more equal,
00:03:24
more like twins.
00:03:27
Speaking of which,
my brother is also a psychologist.
00:03:30
So he's not a real doctor, either.
00:03:33
(Laughter)
00:03:35
We didn't study together, though.
00:03:37
In fact, the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life
00:03:42
is move across the Atlantic
to New York City
00:03:44
to get my doctorate in psychology.
00:03:47
We were apart then
for the first time in our lives,
00:03:50
and the separation was brutal
for both of us.
00:03:54
But while he remained
among family and friends,
00:03:57
I was alone in a new country.
00:04:00
We missed each other terribly,
00:04:01
but international phone calls
were really expensive then,
00:04:05
and we could only afford to speak
for five minutes a week.
00:04:10
When our birthday rolled around,
00:04:11
it was the first
we wouldn't be spending together.
00:04:14
We decided to splurge,
00:04:15
and that week,
we would talk for 10 minutes.
00:04:18
(Laughter)
00:04:19
I spent the morning pacing around my room,
waiting for him to call --
00:04:24
and waiting ...
00:04:26
and waiting.
00:04:27
But the phone didn't ring.
00:04:30
Given the time difference, I assumed,
00:04:32
"OK, he's out with friends,
he'll call later."
00:04:34
There were no cell phones then.
00:04:36
But he didn't.
00:04:39
And I began to realize
that after being away for over 10 months,
00:04:44
he no longer missed me
the way I missed him.
00:04:48
I knew he would call in the morning,
00:04:50
but that night was one of the saddest
and longest nights of my life.
00:04:56
I woke up the next morning.
00:04:58
I glanced down at the phone,
00:05:00
and I realized
I had kicked it off the hook
00:05:03
when pacing the day before.
00:05:06
I stumbled out of bed,
00:05:08
I put the phone back on the receiver,
and it rang a second later.
00:05:11
And it was my brother,
00:05:13
and boy, was he pissed.
00:05:15
(Laughter)
00:05:17
It was the saddest and longest
night of his life as well.
00:05:21
Now, I tried to explain
what happened, but he said,
00:05:23
"I don't understand.
00:05:24
If you saw I wasn't calling you,
00:05:26
why didn't you just pick up
the phone and call me?"
00:05:31
He was right.
00:05:32
Why didn't I call him?
00:05:35
I didn't have an answer then.
00:05:37
But I do today,
00:05:39
and it's a simple one:
00:05:41
loneliness.
00:05:43
Loneliness creates a deep
psychological wound,
00:05:48
one that distorts our perceptions
and scrambles our thinking.
00:05:52
It makes us believe that those around us
care much less than they actually do.
00:05:58
It make us really afraid to reach out,
00:06:00
because why set yourself up
for rejection and heartache
00:06:04
when your heart is already aching
more than you can stand?
00:06:08
I was in the grips
of real loneliness back then,
00:06:11
but I was surrounded by people all day,
so it never occurred to me.
00:06:16
But loneliness is defined
purely subjectively.
00:06:20
It depends solely on whether you feel
emotionally or socially disconnected
00:06:26
from those around you.
00:06:27
And I did.
00:06:29
There is a lot of research on loneliness,
and all of it is horrifying.
00:06:35
Loneliness won't just make you miserable;
00:06:38
it will kill you.
00:06:39
I'm not kidding.
00:06:40
Chronic loneliness increases
your likelihood of an early death
00:06:44
by 14 percent.
00:06:46
Fourteen percent!
00:06:48
Loneliness causes high blood pressure,
00:06:51
high cholesterol.
00:06:52
It even suppress the functioning
of your immune system,
00:06:56
making you vulnerable to all kinds
of illnesses and diseases.
00:07:00
In fact, scientists have concluded
that taken together,
00:07:04
chronic loneliness
poses as significant a risk
00:07:07
for your long-term health and longevity
00:07:10
as cigarette smoking.
00:07:12
Now, cigarette packs come with warnings
saying, "This could kill you."
00:07:17
But loneliness doesn't.
00:07:19
And that's why it's so important
00:07:21
that we prioritize
our psychological health,
00:07:24
that we practice emotional hygiene.
00:07:27
Because you can't treat
a psychological wound
00:07:30
if you don't even know you're injured.
00:07:34
Loneliness isn't the only
psychological wound
00:07:36
that distorts our perceptions
and misleads us.
00:07:40
Failure does that as well.
00:07:43
I once visited a day care center,
00:07:46
where I saw three toddlers
play with identical plastic toys.
00:07:51
You had to slide the red button,
and a cute doggie would pop out.
00:07:55
One little girl tried pulling
the purple button, then pushing it,
00:08:00
and then she just sat back
and looked at the box
00:08:03
with her lower lip trembling.
00:08:05
The little boy next to her
watched this happen,
00:08:08
then turned to his box and burst
into tears without even touching it.
00:08:13
Meanwhile, another little girl
tried everything she could think of
00:08:16
until she slid the red button,
00:08:18
the cute doggie popped out,
and she squealed with delight.
00:08:22
So: three toddlers
with identical plastic toys,
00:08:26
but with very different
reactions to failure.
00:08:29
The first two toddlers were perfectly
capable of sliding a red button.
00:08:34
The only thing that prevented
them from succeeding
00:08:37
was that their mind tricked them
into believing they could not.
00:08:41
Now, adults get tricked this way
as well, all the time.
00:08:46
In fact, we all have a default set
of feelings and beliefs
00:08:51
that gets triggered whenever
we encounter frustrations and setbacks.
00:08:55
Are you aware of how
your mind reacts to failure?
00:08:58
You need to be.
00:09:00
Because if your mind tries to convince you
you're incapable of something,
00:09:04
and you believe it,
00:09:05
then like those two toddlers,
you'll begin to feel helpless
00:09:09
and you'll stop trying too soon,
or you won't even try at all.
00:09:12
And then you'll be even more
convinced you can't succeed.
00:09:15
You see, that's why so many people
function below their actual potential.
00:09:20
Because somewhere along the way,
sometimes a single failure
00:09:24
convinced them that they couldn't
succeed, and they believed it.
00:09:28
Once we become convinced of something,
it's very difficult to change our mind.
00:09:33
I learned that lesson the hard way
when I was a teenager with my brother.
00:09:38
We were driving with friends
down a dark road at night,
00:09:41
when a police car stopped us.
00:09:43
There had been a robbery in the area
and they were looking for suspects.
00:09:46
The officer approached the car,
and shined his flashlight on the driver,
00:09:50
then on my brother in the front seat,
00:09:53
and then on me.
00:09:54
And his eyes opened wide and he said,
00:09:57
"Where have I seen your face before?"
00:09:59
(Laughter)
00:10:02
And I said,
00:10:03
"In the front seat."
00:10:05
(Laughter)
00:10:08
But that made no sense to him whatsoever,
00:10:10
so now he thought I was on drugs.
00:10:12
(Laughter)
00:10:14
So he drags me out of the car,
he searches me,
00:10:16
he marches me over to the police car,
00:10:18
and only when he verified
I didn't have a police record,
00:10:22
could I show him
I had a twin in the front seat.
00:10:26
But even as we were driving away,
00:10:28
you could see by the look
on his face he was convinced
00:10:31
that I was getting away with something.
00:10:33
(Laughter)
00:10:35
Our mind is hard to change
once we become convinced.
00:10:38
So it might be very natural
to feel demoralized
00:10:42
and defeated after you fail.
00:10:43
But you cannot allow yourself
to become convinced you can't succeed.
00:10:48
You have to fight
feelings of helplessness.
00:10:51
You have to gain control
over the situation.
00:10:54
And you have to break
this kind of negative cycle
00:10:56
before it begins.
00:10:58
[Stop Emotional Bleeding]
00:11:00
Our minds and our feelings --
00:11:02
they're not the trustworthy friends
we thought they were.
00:11:05
They're more like a really moody friend,
00:11:08
who can be totally supportive one minute,
and really unpleasant the next.
00:11:14
I once worked with this woman
who, after 20 years marriage
00:11:17
and an extremely ugly divorce,
00:11:20
was finally ready for her first date.
00:11:22
She had met this guy online,
00:11:24
and he seemed nice
and he seemed successful,
00:11:27
and most importantly,
he seemed really into her.
00:11:30
So she was very excited,
she bought a new dress,
00:11:33
and they met at an upscale
New York City bar for a drink.
00:11:37
Ten minutes into the date,
the man stands up and says,
00:11:41
"I'm not interested," and walks out.
00:11:45
Rejection is extremely painful.
00:11:49
The woman was so hurt she couldn't move.
00:11:52
All she could do was call a friend.
00:11:54
Here's what the friend said:
"Well, what do you expect?
00:11:58
You have big hips,
you have nothing interesting to say.
00:12:02
Why would a handsome,
successful man like that
00:12:05
ever go out with a loser like you?"
00:12:09
Shocking, right, that a friend
could be so cruel?
00:12:12
But it would be much less shocking
00:12:15
if I told you it wasn't
the friend who said that.
00:12:17
It's what the woman said to herself.
00:12:20
And that's something we all do,
00:12:23
especially after a rejection.
00:12:25
We all start thinking of all our faults
and all our shortcomings,
00:12:28
what we wish we were,
what we wish we weren't.
00:12:30
We call ourselves names.
00:12:32
Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.
00:12:35
And it's interesting that we do,
00:12:36
because our self-esteem
is already hurting.
00:12:40
Why would we want to go
and damage it even further?
00:12:43
We wouldn't make a physical injury
worse on purpose.
00:12:45
You wouldn't get a cut on your arm
and decide, "Oh! I know --
00:12:48
I'm going to take a knife and see
how much deeper I can make it."
00:12:52
But we do that with psychological
injuries all the time.
00:12:55
Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.
00:12:59
Because we don't prioritize
our psychological health.
00:13:02
We know from dozens of studies
that when your self-esteem is lower,
00:13:06
you are more vulnerable
to stress and to anxiety;
00:13:09
that failures and rejections hurt more,
00:13:12
and it takes longer to recover from them.
00:13:15
So when you get rejected,
the first thing you should be doing
00:13:18
is to revive your self-esteem,
00:13:20
not join Fight Club
and beat it into a pulp.
00:13:25
When you're in emotional pain,
00:13:27
treat yourself with the same compassion
00:13:30
you would expect from a truly good friend.
00:13:33
[Protect Your Self-Esteem]
00:13:35
We have to catch our unhealthy
psychological habits and change them.
00:13:39
And one of unhealthiest and most common
is called rumination.
00:13:44
To ruminate means to chew over.
00:13:46
It's when your boss yells at you
00:13:48
or your professor
makes you feel stupid in class,
00:13:51
or you have big fight with a friend
00:13:53
and you just can't stop replaying
the scene in your head for days,
00:13:57
sometimes for weeks on end.
00:14:00
Now, ruminating about upsetting events
in this way can easily become a habit,
00:14:05
and it's a very costly one,
00:14:07
because by spending so much time focused
on upsetting and negative thoughts,
00:14:12
you are actually putting yourself
at significant risk
00:14:15
for developing clinical depression,
00:14:17
alcoholism,
00:14:18
eating disorders,
00:14:19
and even cardiovascular disease.
00:14:22
The problem is,
00:14:23
the urge to ruminate can feel
really strong and really important,
00:14:27
so it's a difficult habit to stop.
00:14:30
I know this for a fact,
00:14:32
because a little over a year ago,
I developed the habit myself.
00:14:36
You see, my twin brother was diagnosed
with stage 3 non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
00:14:42
His cancer was extremely aggressive.
00:14:45
He had visible tumors all over his body.
00:14:48
And he had to start a harsh course
of chemotherapy.
00:14:53
And I couldn't stop thinking
about what he was going through.
00:14:58
I couldn't stop thinking
about how much he was suffering,
00:15:02
even though he never complained, not once.
00:15:06
He had this incredibly positive attitude.
00:15:09
His psychological health was amazing.
00:15:12
I was physically healthy,
but psychologically, I was a mess.
00:15:17
But I knew what to do.
00:15:18
Studies tell us that even a two-minute
distraction is sufficient
00:15:23
to break the urge to ruminate
in that moment.
00:15:26
And so each time I had a worrying,
upsetting, negative thought,
00:15:29
I forced myself to concentrate
on something else until the urge passed.
00:15:34
And within one week,
my whole outlook changed
00:15:38
and became more positive and more hopeful.
00:15:41
[Battle Negative Thinking]
00:15:43
Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy,
my brother had a CAT scan,
00:15:48
and I was by his side
when he got the results.
00:15:51
All the tumors were gone.
00:15:54
He still had three more rounds
of chemotherapy to go,
00:15:57
but we knew he would recover.
00:15:59
This picture was taken two weeks ago.
00:16:05
By taking action when you're lonely,
00:16:08
by changing your responses to failure,
00:16:12
by protecting your self-esteem,
00:16:14
by battling negative thinking,
00:16:16
you won't just heal
your psychological wounds,
00:16:20
you will build emotional resilience,
00:16:22
you will thrive.
00:16:24
A hundred years ago, people began
practicing personal hygiene,
00:16:29
and life expectancy rates
rose by over 50 percent
00:16:33
in just a matter of decades.
00:16:35
I believe our quality of life
could rise just as dramatically
00:16:40
if we all began practicing
emotional hygiene.
00:16:44
Can you imagine
what the world would be like
00:16:46
if everyone was psychologically healthier?
00:16:48
If there were less loneliness
and less depression?
00:16:52
If people knew how to overcome failure?
00:16:55
If they felt better about themselves
and more empowered?
00:16:58
If they were happier and more fulfilled?
00:17:01
I can, because that's the world
I want to live in.
00:17:06
And that's the world
my brother wants to live in as well.
00:17:10
And if you just become informed
and change a few simple habits, well --
00:17:15
that's the world we can all live in.
00:17:19
Thank you very much.
00:17:20
(Applause)
