How to Relieve the Stress of Caring for an Aging Parent: Amy O'Rourke at TEDxOrlando

00:14:31
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4c2grKhiKEw

Summary

TLDRThe speaker, an expert in gerontology, discusses the crucial topic of caring for older adults and reducing the stress often associated with it. With 30 years of experience and a passionate commitment to elder care, the speaker underscores the denial of reality, the importance of understanding basic ground rules, and accepting elder care as a lifestyle change. She shares anecdotes and experiences that reveal the challenges of caring for aging parents in a culture obsessed with youth, advising against role reversal where children act as their parents. Through various examples, the speaker emphasizes facing the realities of aging, the complexities of hospital visits for elders, and understanding elder care as an opportunity for growth and connection, rather than a burden. The listeners are left with the message of being present for their parents and accepting the inevitable transitions with grace.

Takeaways

  • 👴 Understanding elder care as a lifestyle change.
  • 🕰 Denial of reality in aging causes stress.
  • 👪 Role reversal with parents is a myth.
  • 🏥 Hospital visits can overwhelm elders.
  • 🚶‍♂️ Aging is a one-way transition.
  • ❤️ Being present with elderly parents is crucial.
  • 🛑 Youth obsession hinders acceptance of aging.
  • 🗣 Ground rules improve communication with elders.
  • ⚖️ Responsibility doesn't mean controlling parents.
  • 🌿 Elder care encourages patience and slow living.

Timeline

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The speaker introduces the topic of caregiving for the elderly, emphasizing the unexpected stress many face when caring for parents at an advanced age. She discusses how society is youth-obsessed, often ignoring the realities of aging and elder care. She shares personal anecdotes from her career, highlighting her passion for working with older adults. Her key points include overcoming denial of aging, understanding caregiving ground rules, and accepting it as a lifestyle change. She mentions how famous individuals like Condoleezza Rice and Hillary Clinton also dealt with elder care stress privately, pointing out societal fears of aging and death.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:14:31

    The speaker elaborates on the ground rules of caregiving: avoiding role reversal by not becoming parents to their parents, and managing communication to respect elder autonomy. She urges respecting hospital experiences' significance due to the stress and confusion hospitals can pose to elders. Aging is presented as a one-way transition; children can't change this reality but should embrace their parents' current needs. For instance, understanding simple desires like watching movies over unrealistic expectations like frequent gym visits. She concludes with the idea of elder care as a lifestyle change, allowing one to appreciate the slow pace and presence required, sharing poignant personal moments that emphasize cherishing these caregiving experiences.

Mind Map

Mind Map

Faqs

  • What is the main topic of the talk?

    The talk discusses caring for late-life elders and reducing stress associated with it.

  • What are the three key areas for reducing stress in elder care?

    The three areas are denial of reality, knowing some basic ground rules, and accepting elder care as a lifestyle change.

  • What is the speaker's professional background?

    The speaker has a Master's in Public Health Administration, a Master's in Gerontology, and 30 years of experience working with older adults.

  • What is the societal attitude towards aging, according to the speaker?

    We live in a youth-obsessed culture that fears and denies aging.

  • What does the speaker say about 'role reversal' with parents?

    Role reversal, where children become their parents' parents, is a big fat lie and should not happen.

  • Why should elder care be viewed as a lifestyle change?

    Accepting it as a lifestyle change helps reduce stress, and involves slowing down to better understand and relate with elderly parents.

  • What impact can hospital visits have on older adults?

    Hospital environments can be overwhelming for older adults, suggesting the need for careful consideration before admitting them.

  • How does the speaker define 'ground rules' in elder care?

    Ground rules involve avoiding role reversal, accepting aging as one-way, and not minimizing the impact of hospital visits.

  • Can children turn back time for their aging parents?

    No, children must accept that their parents cannot go backwards and should meet them where they are.

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Subtitles
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  • 00:00:02
    how many of you in here raise your hand
  • 00:00:04
    can easily recognize a 2-year-old raise
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    your
  • 00:00:08
    hand all right now how many of you in
  • 00:00:12
    here could easily recognize an
  • 00:00:14
    85-year-old raise your
  • 00:00:17
    hand this is the topic of my talk today
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    I'm going to talk about caring for the
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    late life Elder and taking the stress
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    out of
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    it and I appreciate your time and
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    attention all of us do here today thank
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    you it means a
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    lot I have a master's degree in public
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    health administration and I have a
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    master's degree in gerentology and I've
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    worked with older adults for 30
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    years but most
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    importantly I love working with older
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    people I love it the first job I had out
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    of college I was 21 years old I was the
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    assistant activity director in a 21-bed
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    nursing
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    home and every day I'd walk down the
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    hall and I'd go into Amelia's
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    room that's Amelia with an
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    E she would say that every
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    day I'd walk in the room and I would say
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    Amelia it's time to go to
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    bingo More arts and
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    crafts and she would say
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    honey I want to
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    die
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    and I would
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    say if that's not going to happen in the
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    next few minutes would you consider
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    going to
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    Bingo and she would laugh and she hit me
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    on the arm and off we'd
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    go I was
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    hooked so in thinking about this topic
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    lowering stress caring for old
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    adults I've come up with three areas
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    that I think deserve
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    attention one is the denial of
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    reality the second is knowing some Basic
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    Ground
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    rules and the third is accepting it as a
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    lifestyle
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    change now I have
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    children that say to
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    me you know I didn't expect
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    this this has been a rude awakening I
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    just didn't expect this this is a lot of
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    stress their parents are 85 and I I
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    think with my 30 years why are you
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    surprised why how is that
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    surprising but when I stopped and
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    thought about
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    it we live in a youth obsessed
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    culture we're youth obsessed
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    we've got anti-aging creams we've got
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    surgeries you know what I'm talking
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    about we love to read stories in the
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    paper about 85 year olds that graduate
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    from college and 100-year-old that
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    climbs Mount
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    Everest well you know condalisa rice was
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    offered the position of Secretary of
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    State and she almost turned that job
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    down you know why cuz her father had had
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    a stroke
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    and she didn't know if she could do that
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    job and take care of her
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    father and I do believe that's not
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    widely
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    known Hillary and Bill Clinton we all
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    know
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    Chelsea we watched Chelsea grow up we
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    watched her go to college we certainly
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    watched her get
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    married Hillary lost her mother when her
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    mother was 92 years
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    old and when I read that in the paper I
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    ate for Hillary Hillary has said
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    publicly that her mother was the most
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    influential person in her life and here
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    Hillary was in the public eye caring for
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    her mother and we didn't know it it
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    wasn't written
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    about why is
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    that we're
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    scared we're
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    afraid we're afraid of death you know
  • 00:04:28
    what the number one fear in this country
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    is it's public
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    speaking true statement that's a true
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    statement second is fear of
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    death we're afraid of
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    endings we're afraid of seeing our
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    parents grow smaller do you know you
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    lose 5
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    Ines yes you do the little old lady
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    that's a real
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    thing we're afraid of seeing our parents
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    get smaller more diminished shaky
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    judgment walking slower we're scared so
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    we deny it we pretend it's not there we
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    don't want to face
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    it
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    second is knowing some ground rules now
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    this picture is lousy it's very grainy
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    very grainy but I kept it up here
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    because the woman Doris used to work for
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    me and Richard Works in our office and
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    we had them stage the picture
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    as roll
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    reversal ground rule number one roll
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    reversal get this in your mind three
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    words you ready
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    big fat
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    lie roll reversal never should happen we
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    never become our parents parents and if
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    you
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    try you won't do so
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    well try it
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    go
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    ahead so Doris is sitting here and we're
  • 00:06:08
    we're doing this shot in my office and
  • 00:06:10
    Doris is squirming and she's mad and I
  • 00:06:14
    think she's really getting into this
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    like it's a role play or something she's
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    she's into
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    it we get halfway through the shot and
  • 00:06:21
    she's really mad and she
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    says my daughter Connie talks to me that
  • 00:06:27
    way and I can't stand it
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    wow I wouldn't want to be
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    Connie so a few weeks later I get a call
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    from
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    Connie Connie says thank you for the
  • 00:06:46
    experience you gave my mother at your
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    office she called me up and she said
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    Connie you give me so
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    much you help me so much
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    but I don't like how you talk to me I
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    don't like it you boss me around and
  • 00:07:08
    Connie heard her she
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    said thank you I know I do it and I'm
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    going to work on it and the two of them
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    are forging a new way of relating at
  • 00:07:23
    this time of life and I felt so happy
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    for
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    them my friend Carol who has an
  • 00:07:31
    8-year-old and a
  • 00:07:32
    six-year-old and parents father with
  • 00:07:34
    Alzheimer's and a mother with mental
  • 00:07:36
    illness says Amy you're that's not right
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    I do tell my parents what to
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    do I said no Carol you don't you don't
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    you are responsible for them but you
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    have worked on a way of
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    communicating to help them manage this
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    time of life without insulting them by
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    telling them what to do and it takes
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    some work ground rule number
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    two I know there's people from the
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    hospital in this audience today and I
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    know that you will agree with me older
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    people in hospitals don't always get
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    along when you're a fra older person
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    you're you it's like an
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    echosystem one thing goes
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    wrong it can be
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    calamitus so going into the hospital for
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    an older adult is a major decision
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    don't minimize it they go into the
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    hospital hospitals are fast they're
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    bright staff running in and out and an
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    older person moves
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    slowly thinks slowly and they can
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    Collide so your the question you should
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    ask yourself is number one if they're
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    going to have all these tests and not do
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    the surgery as a result of all these
  • 00:08:54
    tests get them
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    out
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    I just love the slide that's why it's up
  • 00:09:03
    there it's called innocence in
  • 00:09:06
    experience the last ground
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    rule is that aging is a one-way
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    transition it's one
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    way I met with a a daughter and her
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    mother in my
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    office my office is at the far end of
  • 00:09:26
    the
  • 00:09:27
    hall and the mother is spinal stenosis
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    on a walker she took a long time to get
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    to my office we got down there and sat
  • 00:09:37
    down I let the daughter go
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    first and the daughter starts talking
  • 00:09:42
    about what she would want and in some of
  • 00:09:46
    the things she was saying she said I
  • 00:09:48
    want my mother to go to the gym 5 days a
  • 00:09:55
    week and I feel like going like this cuz
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    I can tell the mother's like
  • 00:10:00
    rage you know the
  • 00:10:05
    gym so I'm I'm looking at the the
  • 00:10:08
    daughter and I look over at the mother
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    and I know that this daughter cannot
  • 00:10:13
    face the fact that her mother is where
  • 00:10:15
    her mother is she's not going
  • 00:10:18
    backwards kids want the parents to go
  • 00:10:21
    backwards they want them to get to where
  • 00:10:23
    they were and they miss where they
  • 00:10:27
    are so I look over at the mother and I
  • 00:10:30
    said well I can tell you kind of got you
  • 00:10:33
    mad what is it that you want she
  • 00:10:36
    says I'd like to go to the
  • 00:10:41
    movies so I think we can arrange
  • 00:10:45
    that so there's a famous author that
  • 00:10:48
    wrote when her mother was
  • 00:10:50
    sick she says I wish someone had told me
  • 00:10:55
    that I would have all these decisions to
  • 00:10:58
    make
  • 00:11:00
    and none of those decisions would affect
  • 00:11:03
    the outcome none of them and that the
  • 00:11:06
    most important thing for me is to be
  • 00:11:10
    there is to be
  • 00:11:14
    there so the ground rule is aging is a
  • 00:11:17
    one-way transition and
  • 00:11:20
    lastly the last thought I will leave you
  • 00:11:23
    with is this is a lifestyle change
  • 00:11:26
    having Elder parents is a lifestyle
  • 00:11:28
    change
  • 00:11:29
    you have a child and you hopefully in 18
  • 00:11:33
    to 22 years you raise them and they go
  • 00:11:35
    out the door
  • 00:11:39
    hopefully I won't go in that direction
  • 00:11:41
    I'll stay with what I'm talking
  • 00:11:44
    about
  • 00:11:46
    so then you got about 10 years
  • 00:11:49
    off 10 years of Freedom if you will then
  • 00:11:53
    becomes the responsibility for your
  • 00:11:55
    parents whether they live in the same
  • 00:11:57
    town as you the responsib ability begins
  • 00:12:01
    and the kids that have actually less
  • 00:12:03
    stress are the ones that have accepted
  • 00:12:08
    it you know we live in such a fastpaced
  • 00:12:13
    society now don't we I mean we just go
  • 00:12:16
    go
  • 00:12:17
    go being with an older
  • 00:12:20
    person is really an opportunity to slow
  • 00:12:24
    down try to try to rush an older
  • 00:12:27
    person try it you you can't do it so you
  • 00:12:31
    have to be
  • 00:12:33
    there you have to slow down I kind of
  • 00:12:36
    think about it like a form of
  • 00:12:42
    meditation so I was walking up to
  • 00:12:45
    Helen's
  • 00:12:46
    house Helen's 100 I walk up the steps I
  • 00:12:49
    walk into the kitchen she's in a
  • 00:12:53
    kitchen
  • 00:12:54
    she's seated and I walk in and I sit
  • 00:12:57
    down and I said hi nice to meet you and
  • 00:13:01
    she leans forward and she's got this big
  • 00:13:04
    beautiful face but it's big and she's
  • 00:13:06
    got white swept up
  • 00:13:09
    hair kind of like a Q-tip let's
  • 00:13:13
    stop she says to me what is it you think
  • 00:13:17
    you can do for
  • 00:13:18
    me said I just got here I I don't
  • 00:13:22
    know she leans back in her
  • 00:13:25
    chair and she
  • 00:13:28
    says
  • 00:13:29
    I don't know why I'm still
  • 00:13:34
    here and
  • 00:13:36
    I my heart
  • 00:13:40
    just and I said maybe maybe you're here
  • 00:13:44
    because I needed to meet
  • 00:13:47
    you maybe you're here because I needed
  • 00:13:50
    to see and experience
  • 00:13:53
    you and she leaned forward and she took
  • 00:13:56
    her
  • 00:13:57
    hand and that moment is still with
  • 00:14:02
    me so I would say to you this is a rare
  • 00:14:07
    opportunity a very very rare opportunity
  • 00:14:10
    don't miss
  • 00:14:12
    it thank
  • 00:14:14
    [Applause]
  • 00:14:26
    [Music]
  • 00:14:28
    you
Tags
  • elder care
  • gerontology
  • aging
  • stress reduction
  • family dynamics
  • cultural attitudes
  • healthcare
  • parenting roles
  • lifestyle change
  • acceptance