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I want to take you on a journey and
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we're gonna go into the darkness for a
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little while but I promise you we will
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come back into the light if you have
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normal vision this is how you see the
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world this is how I see the world ten
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years ago I started having vision issues
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like things weren't there there wasn't
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any pain or irritation things were just
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gone so I went in to see an
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ophthalmologist and she did what's
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called a vision field test and what it
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showed is I'd lost 90% of the vision in
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my right eye and half and my left to
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glaucoma even worse the vision that I
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had was going fast and what was gone
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was gone forever as a former
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professional photographer outdoor
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adventurer and his one who takes in the
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world and processes it visually my sight
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was everything to me and I couldn't
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imagine life without it and I went down
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the rabbit hole bad really bad in my
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experience there's a reason why they
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call it a hole my life got tighter more
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constricted darker and my connection
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with life out there got farther and
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farther away the only voice I heard was
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the one inside my head telling me that
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life without vision wasn't a life worth
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living after two years I had the vision
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of the hand of death reaching out to me
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and I felt peace i inner torment pain
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all of it vanished and in that moment
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and I reached back and in that moment I
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made a somatic shift an internal shift
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from resisting death to embracing it and
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I wanted to go I made my plans I sold my
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stuff I threw away my life's work of
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photography I lost my home I created a
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new email account to write all my
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goodbyes wrote them
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with my will and assigned a friend to
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take care of everything after I was gone
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as a good friend said you're not just
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contemplating suicide you are running
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towards it I was driven by that feeling
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of peace I'd felt on the hand reached
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out I loved guardian angels a voice from
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somewhere out there beyond me made me an
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offer I couldn't refuse
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it said do your bucket list that's it
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do your bucket list there were three
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items on it and the first one was to
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kayak down the Grand Canyon I had run
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rivers for three decades in many ways
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the Grand Canyon is considered an
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ultimate river trip friends who done it
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had described a multi-week journey where
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they left the craziness of this world
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and moved into what they called River
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time in this timeless sacred place the
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problem was there was a 15-year wait
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list to get a permit I didn't have years
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I was running on months one week later a
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river buddy called up and he said Doug
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you know that permit I put in for 15
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years ago
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I just got it want to go yes there's a
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saying you don't do the Grand Canyon it
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does you and I was about to find out how
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true that is so fast-forward two months
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I'm on the Grand Canyon on the trip of a
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lifetime
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I am with a perfect group of people a
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mix of adventures former Colorado River
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guides and all of whom came together to
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create the most incredible group of
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people I've ever been with but even on
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that trip of a lifetime I could not
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escape the darkness and I started going
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down the rabbit hole again but that was
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about to change
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guardian angels are a really good thing
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so it took me longer to pack than
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everybody else on the trip because of my
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vision issues I had to double-check
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triple-check and make sure I didn't
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leave everything behind but this
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particular morning I had packed well
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ahead of everybody else and the guy that
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led our trip came to me and he said Doug
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I just have a sense of what you're going
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through three miles down on River left
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is a place called Redwall cavern it is a
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sacred place whatever you need to do you
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can do it there and in that moment I
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knew that was why I was on this trip I
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had a destiny with that place so I got
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her my kayak and I paddled down to
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Redwall it is a huge cavern carved out
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of the cliffs coming down I pulled my
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kayak up on the beach I took off my gear
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I fell to my knees and I surrendered and
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for the next two hours two years worth
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of anger grief and sadness found its way
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up I screamed
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raged cried wave after wave I slammed my
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fist into the wall until it bled and I
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remember one point looking up at this
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cavern ceiling just why can't I just die
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I just want to die and then an amazing
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thing happened this energy came all
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throughout my body and concentrated into
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one point like it wanted to be released
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so I turned towards the sky and I just
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raged and just like that it was gone and
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in its place was a spaciousness an inner
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spaciousness I had never felt before
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there was room for all of it anger grief
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sadness yeah but also hope patience and
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the possibility
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of moving on now I wish I could say that
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was the end of this story and I lived
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happily ever after and all of that but
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that's not what happened but what that
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gave me was a timeout a pause a breath
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an opportunity to recollect and get on
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with this journey and that's what I want
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to share with you now this experience
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I've had over the past several years
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turning trauma into transformation and
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since the theme for this TEDx is rivers
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I'd love to use that as a metaphor
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because it is perfect so in my
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experience the tools all of this that
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I've gone through in the last few years
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falls into three major categories deal
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heal and release so deal I did go into
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depression again once those grooves are
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set in my experience it is easy to just
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slide right back down in there
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I felt that peace again that voice
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cranked up that said life without vision
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isn't a life worth living the guy that
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managed this that ran the depression
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support group I was in thought I was a
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goner my girlfriend was in tears that's
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when I heard about a new treatment for
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depression a drug called ketamine as
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luck would have it my doctor my primary
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care doctor had experience with it and
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could administer it I had six infusions
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IV infusions over the course of two
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weeks by the end of the second infusion
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this is day three things started
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shifting by the end of the sixth
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infusion that door those thoughts of
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suicide were gone it was a miracle so to
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go to the river metaphor dealing is like
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being stuck in a really bad rapid and
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ketamine was a lifeline that pulled me
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out healing I found three tools that
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helped me in the healing process and
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continue to help me in this process the
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first one is meditation
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now maybe you can relate I've got a
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voice inside of my head
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yaks and yaks and yaks if it was a
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roommate they'd be gone in an hour and
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that's the voice that had been harassing
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me over the years what meditation
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enabled me to do was to start to get
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detached from that voice and not get
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hooked into it the monkey mind the
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second tool I came across and I really
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like this one is the Enneagram it is a
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system that points to nine different
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personality types to me it was like
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discovering this google map into my mind
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or crystal ball into that murkiness and
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it showed me where I was in stress and
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in my heart point what's unbelievable I
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found out I'm a type 6 often known as
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the devil's advocate so I'm in the
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middle of the head triad I think a lot
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way too much and knowing this and also
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knowing that as a six in my stress point
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I believe the world is a dangerous place
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and it's out to get me so I scan for
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trouble I'm like the border collie
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looking for trouble out there knowing
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that enabled me to once again stand back
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and get some space from it and not get
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immersed in it and the third tool I came
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across is known as somatic healing what
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it states at a core premise is that we
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can heal trauma and deep stuff through
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our bodies all the psycho you know the
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talk therapy I'd done it gotten me
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nowhere maybe you've seen a big dog
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attack a small dog you notice how the
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small dog shakes afterwards that's how
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it releases the trauma that it just
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experienced the technique I learned in
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somatic healing that I liked the most is
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to focus on the sensations of where I
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feel whatever's going on so if I feel
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grief okay grief where do I feel it I
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feel a tingling behind my eyes maybe a
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choking on my throat and hollowness in
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my chest so the work is to simply bring
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awareness
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and attention you just hold energy there
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and let it release it's incredible it
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was for me so if dealing is getting
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saved from the rapid then healing is
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learning how to run it it's like coming
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back to that rapid breaking it down into
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sections and then learning the skills
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and techniques to successfully run it
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release after several years of this
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something else started to happen there
00:11:42
was an opening if my life was a series
00:11:45
of thoughts and emotions going across
00:11:47
the screen it's almost like I was able
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to slip in between those frames and in
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real time rewrite my story and something
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else started to happen that's almost
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like my awareness expanded out and I
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started to feel the interconnectedness
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of things me you this room this town to
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plan it all of it to return to the river
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metaphor if dealing is like getting
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pulled from the rapid and healing is
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learning how to run it releasing is like
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becoming one with a river I'm aware of
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what I'm doing I take the necessary
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strokes nothing more I'm aware of what
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the rivers doing how the canyon directs
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it the sky above all of it what I've
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lost in vision and I've lost a lot I've
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gained in so many other ways my life is
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deeper richer and more heartfelt than I
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ever could have imagined and I have
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found home within and I feel gratitude
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gratitude for life gratitude for the
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vision I still have gratitude for the
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people in my life that I care about and
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gratitude for being able to share this
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story with you thank you
00:13:30
you
