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hello
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[Music]
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brains in this episode I'm going to talk
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about something that I think a lot of us
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struggle with which is feeling like a
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failure feeling like we're not good at
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life or at least Our Lives what I
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learned recently about why that is and
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what I'm doing about it personally but
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first speaking of which since shooting
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this video my life is still pretty
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overwhelming my daughter is in her 8mon
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sleep regression plus more stuff landed
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on my plate that I did have any control
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over so I can tell if I'm not careful I
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am going to burn out enter Sama Sama is
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my go-to app for planning my day or week
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in such a way that I can get to the
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tasks that are most important and bump
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back any tasks that can wait which right
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now is going to have to be a lot Sama
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helps combat burnout by helping you plan
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your day so that your workload is
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reasonable and doable it also helps to
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reduce workload a key factor in Burnout
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by reducing the mental load of having to
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decide what to work on next because
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you've already decided you can plan your
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day pulling in tasks from your email
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calendar project management software
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your brain organize your tasks in the
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order in which you want to do them then
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get started you can also set weekly
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goals that you can then tie to your
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daily tasks so you can make sure that
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what you're working on is something that
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makes sense to work on based on what you
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need to achieve that week when you have
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a brain that's screaming at you that you
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need to do all the things and then gets
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decision paralysis and ends up working
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on none of them putting you even further
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behind Sama can really help I notice a
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big difference when I use Sama
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especially when I'm able to plan my work
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date in advance because then when I show
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up to work all I have to decide before I
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get started is whether or not I want to
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shift things around if not or if I'm too
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tired to decide then I can just get
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started and save my brain's energy for
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actually doing the work being able to
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check stuff off as I go reminds me that
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I am making progress and my day feels
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even more doable as I go because the
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list of to-dos gets shorter I might not
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be finished with everything that I
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wanted to accomplish by the end of the
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day but I can do my daily wrapup when
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it's time to go home and know that I'm
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done for the day which allows me to rest
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and recharge enough to show up tomorrow
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if you'd like to try Sama right now
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they're offering a free trial with no
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credit card required if you use my link
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s.com jesica from how to ADHD we got
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this I'm failing it a lot right now I am
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showing up late to things I'm forgetting
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things I'm dropping the ball I don't
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think I checked my email today or
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yesterday I'm messing up in a way that I
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I haven't since before I knew how to
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work with my brain not against it as a
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teenager in my 20s I was forgetting to
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pay bills and I was relate to everything
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and I was bailing on people and like I
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feel like I was messing up a lot and
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then I learned some tools and strategies
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and I was able to be successful at
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things in a way that I hadn't before I
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still had my struggles but I wasn't
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impaired by them in the same way and so
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I kind of got used to that like I
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enjoyed that I got successful enough and
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good enough at stuff that I was able to
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buy a house I was able to maintain a
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YouTube channel I was able to maintain a
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relationship I was able to to move in
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with this guy I was able to have a baby
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I was able to write a book I was able to
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do all these things and I got used to
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being able to add things to my life in
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the way that I wanted to not that I
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didn't still struggle with a lot of
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things I did but more often than not I
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was reliable and that's just completely
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Fallen apart I'm messing up constantly
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I'm constantly apologizing to people I
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feel like I'm failing only this time I
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have the benefit of knowing that this
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isn't just inherent to my character this
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isn't just the way that I am all of the
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time because I just suck as a human
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being something's going on what's going
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on well I had a baby I have a
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7-month-old that added a lot to my plate
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it's really taxing on my executive
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function and I was talking to my psych
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the other day and she's like well of
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course you're struggling you don't have
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the infrastructure in place to support
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how much youve built she was right like
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I have a tendency to like as soon as I
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can take on more I do because I want to
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have a full fulfilling life and that's
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what I thought it took I set out to
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learn all these tools and strategies so
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that I could do all of these things that
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I wanted to do I wanted a career I
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wanted the house I wanted the kids I
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wanted the relationship I wanted all the
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things I wanted to do all the things
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right and that worked up until a point
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but now I've got so much going on that
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even with this really strong toolbox
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it's not enough and I'm still failing
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and my psych told me
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when a city doesn't have the
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infrastructure to support the buildings
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that exist it has two options it can
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Shore up the infrastructure or it can
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stop building and that had not occurred
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to me Shoring up the infrastructure yeah
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I could adjust my meds a little bit I
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could learn a couple new tools and
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strategies but really in my case the
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issue was that I had overbuilt my life I
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have added so many things to my life
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it's taking an enormous amount of
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infrastructure essentially to support it
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I'm going to tore up the infrastructure
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but what I'm realizing I need to do is
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stop building and that's really freaking
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hard cuz I do want to do all the things
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and the whole point of me learning how
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my brain works and how to work with it
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not against it was so that I could do
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all the things and it sucks it's awful
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to be told you got to stop adding stuff
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to your life cuz I want a full and
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fulfilling life but when I think about
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it it's not a fulfilling life to be
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dropping the ball all the time it's not
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a fulfilling life to be miserable and
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stressed out running from one thing to
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another it's not a fulfilling life if
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you don't have time to enjoy the things
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that you have this infinite growth
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mindset I'm going to add more and then
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when that gets boring I'm going to add
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more and I'm going to add more and I'm
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going to add more and that's going to
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make my life better and that's going to
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make my life better realizing at some
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point like it actually objectively makes
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your life worse makes you go okay like
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so what would it look like if I stopped
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building how could I improve my life
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other than adding more and so what
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happened happens when you're at a point
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in your life where you've added too much
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it really is at the point where I need
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to stop building and I don't know what
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else to do so I'm having to solve that
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like in real time and I'm sharing this
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with you cuz I don't know it might be
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relatable to to somebody else there are
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ways to make your life fulfilling that
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don't involve adding more to it but what
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are those things and I've been having to
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think about this and I think one of them
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is curating I can improve my life not
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just by adding new and exciting things
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to it but by really thinking about what
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I want to include in it maybe taking
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some stuff off my plate unbuilding I
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guess I could unbuild unbuilding things
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that aren't serving me another way is to
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recognize if you're overfunctioning if
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essentially your infrastructure isn't
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enough to support the buildings in your
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city because you're sending a lot of
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those resources to another city you're
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doing things for other people that they
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should really be doing for themselves as
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a way of you know managing your anxiety
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through external control yeah yeah I
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totally do that pulling your
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infrastructure in back into your city
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what makes City great is it like the
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number of buildings it's like does it
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have a library and a school like does it
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have the things in it that create a full
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and fulfilling life and then also
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looking at how much energy am I sending
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to any one particular building am I
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being perfectionistic about it I am
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definitely being perfectionistic about
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being a good mom trademark I'm
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definitely being perfectionistic about
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making sure that I'm signing her up for
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swim classes and doing mayy wearing
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dance classes and buying all the right
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toys and exposing her to all the
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allergens like I'm doing so many things
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things maybe I can do all the things but
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maybe I don't need to be doing all of
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them at the same time and it's probably
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actually important that I don't because
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I don't want to pass this on to my
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daughter this idea that like you have to
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be doing all the things to the point
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that you are exhausted and miserable
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because I kind of am cuz we live in this
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Society that's like more more more do
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more be more have more if I had the time
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and the energy and the resources to do
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all the things I'm trying to do yeah
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that would be a very nice fulfilling
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life but I don't I am stretched too thin
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I'm racing from one thing to another I'm
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not able to sit and enjoy a lot of the
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things that I would like to be able to
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be present for and enjoy I've overbuilt
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and I need to stop building what are the
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other options in terms of improving your
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life well one is to have the
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infrastructure to support the things
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that you're doing that actually is an
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objectively better life if you can
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manage what you have on your plate
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you're going to enjoy life more so just
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by stopping building like that actually
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can improve your life being really
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mindful of
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what you're doing and being present for
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it even if it's not a fun thing that
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you're doing just being mindful being
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present is objectively like a better
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experience than trying to do something
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while thinking about the next thing you
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have to do and worrying about tomorrow
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and you know the past and all of that
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curating what's in my life getting rid
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of some stuff that isn't serving me
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before I add something else that like
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will the reason I wanted to share this
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is because it just hadn't occurred to me
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that you could improve your life without
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adding things to it and gratitude I was
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Googling curating your life and one of
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the things that I saw is like practicing
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gratitude for things you already have
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instead of buying more there's stuff
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that I have that I really value that I
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don't even see because I don't have the
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time to engage with it and so I don't
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necessarily need to add more things or
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more activities I could just revisit the
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activities and things that I already
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have and sit with them and enjoy them
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and be grateful for them I'm rotating
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right like this is the season 4
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next season maybe I can rotate something
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out and rotate something else in so my
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psych was right I don't have the
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infrastructure currently to support
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everything that I built partly because
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like I have built these things based on
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neurotypical standards and I'm not
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neurotypical I watched my mom have all
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of these things and so I was like well
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that's what I want to have all of those
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things and it made her happy but she was
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able to stay on top of it she was able
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to manage it in a way that I struggled
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to and so what made her happy might make
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me miserable and I think there's still a
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part of me that's like but if I'm not
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doing all the things then I am failing
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right that might be somebody else's
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measure of success right like I checked
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all the boxes I do all the things but
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understanding what your limits are and
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working within those limits is not
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failure that is success for me being
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successful means I like what I've built
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I value what I've built and I have the
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infrastructure in place to support it so
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then I don't just look successful at
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life from the outside I get to be
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successful at my life life I'm curious
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what you do if you want to improve your
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life what do you do other than get more
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perfectionistic or add more stuff to
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your life how else might you build a
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fulfilling life for yourself I would
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very very much like to know your answers
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I might talk about it more in another
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video let me know if you're not okay
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with us using your screen name so we can
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keep you Anonymous um but we might
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include that in another video thank you
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so much for our brain Advocates and all
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our patreon brains for supporting work
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like this I will be curating new goals
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for the patreon once I figure out what
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it is that I would like to do your
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support improves our infrastructure so
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that we can do more things without
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overbuilding like subscribe click all
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the things and I will see you next video
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bye brains did you know we have a
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Discord Community through patreon when
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you support the work we do on how to
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ADHD you get access to a global
00:11:17
supportive community and other patreon
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perks if you'd like to join us go to
00:11:26
[Music]
