What is the difference between helping and enabling?

Helping involves providing support without enabling negative behaviors, while enabling may inadvertently support continued destructive actions.

How can I support a loved one struggling with addiction?

Show empathy and kindness, encourage open communication, and create a safe space for vulnerability.

What should I do if my loved one reacts defensively to my support?

Remain calm and maintain your boundaries while expressing your support, understanding that their defensiveness often stems from their struggles.

Is it possible to be kind and firm with boundaries?

Yes, you can be compassionate while clearly setting and enforcing necessary boundaries.

What strategies can I use to avoid enabling behavior?

Focus on positive reinforcement and avoid nagging or confrontation that can lead to defensiveness.

How To Be Kind To Someone With An Addiction Without Enabling

00:31:28

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkpiMIwvbI0

Résumé

TLDRThe video elaborates on the thin line between helping and enabling those struggling with addiction. It tackles concerns about showing kindness and positivity, addressing the fear of appearing to condone harmful behaviors. The speaker provides five reasons why empathy and kindness can be more effective than direct confrontation: they reduce defensiveness, create a safe environment, promote vulnerability, help individuals recognize their issues more readily, and foster a healthier relational dynamic. Viewer comments reinforce the complexity of managing relationships with those in recovery, emphasizing the importance of boundaries and communication in supporting recovery.

A retenir

💖 Kindness fosters vulnerability in loved ones.
🛑 Enabling often stems from negative interactions.
🤝 Empathy can help others recognize their issues.
🧠 Emotional safety promotes better decision-making.
🌱 Support systems encourage personal growth.

Chronologie

00:00:00 - 00:05:00
The video discusses the difference between helping and enabling someone struggling with addiction, sparked by a question from a Facebook group about positive reinforcement and its potential implications for addiction.
00:05:00 - 00:10:00
The speaker emphasizes that kindness and empathy can help individuals recognize their addiction more effectively than confronting them directly, which often leads to defensiveness.
00:10:00 - 00:15:00
The video explains that when family members show kindness, it reduces emotional defenses in the person with the addiction, allowing for better self-reflection and understanding of their issues.
00:15:00 - 00:20:00
The discussion includes psychological perspectives, noting that a safe environment fosters vulnerability, which can promote honest acknowledgment of addiction problems.
00:20:00 - 00:25:00
It’s highlighted that providing emotional support encourages individuals to take courageous steps towards recovery, contrasting it with the negative impacts of nagging or threats, which reinforce bad behavior.
00:25:00 - 00:31:28
Final thoughts focus on the importance of kindness for both the person with addiction and the family member, noting that maintaining empathy is crucial even when challenging, as it supports healthier relationships and individual wellbeing.

Afficher plus

Carte mentale

Vidéo Q&R

What is the difference between helping and enabling?
Helping involves providing support without enabling negative behaviors, while enabling may inadvertently support continued destructive actions.
How can I support a loved one struggling with addiction?
Show empathy and kindness, encourage open communication, and create a safe space for vulnerability.
What should I do if my loved one reacts defensively to my support?
Remain calm and maintain your boundaries while expressing your support, understanding that their defensiveness often stems from their struggles.
Is it possible to be kind and firm with boundaries?
Yes, you can be compassionate while clearly setting and enforcing necessary boundaries.
What strategies can I use to avoid enabling behavior?
Focus on positive reinforcement and avoid nagging or confrontation that can lead to defensiveness.

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Sous-titres

Défilement automatique:

00:00:03
helping versus enabling you know the
00:00:06
other day we had a comment in our family
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facebook group uh it's kind of comments
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last question um where one of our um
00:00:16
listeners or group members
00:00:18
said made this comment we they were
00:00:20
talking i can't remember i think it was
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on a video i did probably one of the
00:00:24
live videos and the comments said
00:00:27
if i'm
00:00:28
really nice to my husband if i'm
00:00:32
positively reinforcing him won't that
00:00:34
give him the impression that i'm okay
00:00:36
with his drinking and i thought you know
00:00:38
what that's actually a really good
00:00:40
question and i bet a lot of people are
00:00:43
wondering that because i could
00:00:44
definitely
00:00:45
follow that line of thinking for sure
00:00:48
because you don't want to inadvertently
00:00:50
make it seem like you're okay with
00:00:52
something
00:00:53
and so
00:00:54
that is what inspired this video so in
00:00:56
this video we're going to talk about
00:00:58
where is the line between
00:01:00
helping
00:01:01
supporting having empathy
00:01:04
for someone struggling with an addiction
00:01:06
and enabling and hopefully we're going
00:01:08
to shed a little light on this for you
00:01:11
so you can kind of figure out
00:01:13
which which kinds of things are helping
00:01:15
and which kinds of things are enabling
00:01:17
in fact i'm going to give you
00:01:19
five
00:01:20
reasons why
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being kind to someone
00:01:24
showing empathy even given some positive
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reinforcement
00:01:28
actually
00:01:29
helps them to figure out that they have
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an addiction problem
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way
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faster
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than when you try to do it in a more
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direct way
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you see most of the time we get so
00:01:41
frustrated deal with someone who has an
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addiction because it's like
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so clearly like right there
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and it's just mind-blowing because the
00:01:50
person
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with the addiction they can't see it and
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it's just like wow really why can't you
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see it so we get impatient and we get
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frustrated we try to
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make them see it and we try to give them
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evidence and it's kind of like we're
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trying to force it faster and the more
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we do that the
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longer it takes them to get out of
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denial because when you come someone
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directly like that even if you're not
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coming at the mean but you're coming at
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them you know it's been like dude this
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is a problem you know you're pointing it
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out
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immediately what happens is their walls
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and their defenses go up and instead of
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hearing or really listening considering
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what you're saying they actually it's
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almost like a reflex even if they don't
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mean to they're gonna be defensive in
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their head and they're immediately gonna
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be somewhat oppositional now some people
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will say that to you out loud
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other people won't but either way
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they're doing it in their head even if
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they're not saying it out loud they're
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thinking about how you're wrong and how
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you don't know me
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and
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that's actually
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problematic because when we do that
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we're actually slowing down
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what would happen more naturally if we
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just let it
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you know i've noticed like
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over the past couple years i've noticed
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that
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when i have clients who
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live alone for whatever reason like
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maybe they just weren't living in family
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maybe they were away at college or
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they just live by themselves it's really
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interesting because those people
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eventually will bring themselves in
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they'll call up they'll say i have a
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problem and it's like they get it and
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they get it on a much deeper level than
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the people with the family do and i
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think the reason why that is is because
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when you have family you get so
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tangled up
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and trying to
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defend yourself trying to prove them
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wrong and then it becomes this power
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struggle and before you know it it's
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years and years of power struggling
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which is just
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getting in the way of the natural
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process of
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figuring out that you have a soft
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species problem and then figuring out
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what you need to do about it
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so
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even though it would seem like on a
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logical level if you're too kind too
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nice too positively reinforcing that
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that's actually enabling and that you
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could send the impression that
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you
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um
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agree with their substance use
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it actually does quite the opposite
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and you don't have to tell someone that
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you agree or they you don't have to tell
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someone like oh i don't think that's a
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problem oh you're fine like those people
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are crazy you don't have a problem i'm
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not talking about that i'm just talking
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about
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responding in kindness to someone being
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pleasant with someone it actually makes
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them see their own truth faster
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it's kind of like
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if you're in a big
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fight or argument with someone and you
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finally just like okay that's it and
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then you apologize
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what happens usually once you apologize
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you put your weapons down what do they
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do
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they're usually like well you know what
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i shouldn't say that either and i was
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kind of in the wrong too and actually it
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was kind of my fault it's like they put
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their weapons down too so that's the way
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i want you to think about it once you
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think about like okay we're putting our
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weapons down
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and you're probably gonna have to put
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your weapons down first as the family
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member to get your addicted loved one to
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put their weapons down because they're
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running out of
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fear shame guilt
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they don't feel good physically so they
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got a lot of things going on and they
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feel very backed into a corner all the
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time and it's really hard to get them to
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put their weapons down so let's talk
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about
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on sort of a psychological level and
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even on like a biological level
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why responding to someone with empathy
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and kindness works
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i mean if you think about it most people
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that have addicted a loved one
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they stay on their case forever and ever
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trying to get them to go to the council
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i guess what the counselor does
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responds with kindness and empathy and
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that doesn't mean that the counselor is
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saying you don't have a problem or you
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know like your families are reacting
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that's not what i mean i just mean like
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when you do that when you show
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empathy towards someone
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it actually
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cools down
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the emotional part of their brain
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which
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on a physiological level allows the
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thinking the front part of the brain to
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activate and to think through
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what is going on and to be able to learn
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from their mistakes and to make better
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decisions and to have good judgment you
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know this part right here this is where
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your judgment comes from that's where
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your ability to weigh pros and cons and
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and learn from your stakes all of that
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comes from your frontal lobe and when
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someone feels under attack
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their emotional center of the brain the
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volume is turned up on that so high
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when that volume is turned up the
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thinking volume is turned down and
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in fact
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understanding that isn't just to apply
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to dealing with someone who has an
00:06:44
addiction that's literally to apply to
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anyone who you want to really
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think about what you're saying whether
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it's
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in a work situation whether it's your
00:06:53
kid has done something you want to talk
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to them about it if you come at someone
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straight on you're literally going to
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accidentally hit that trip wire where
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all their defenses
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come up which
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physiologically disallows them to think
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about what you're saying so you
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definitely don't want to do that if you
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can at all
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help it
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the second reason why responding with
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kindness and empathy is so much more
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effective is because
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they don't get the other person doesn't
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get as bogged down and distracted
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by being mad at you because literally
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not only during the conversation are
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they feeling defensive in their head but
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for like five days or three months
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afterward they're replaying it in their
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head and they're just so dang distracted
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by
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how you weren't right you're wrong about
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this you don't know me and that's what
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they're thinking over and over and over
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and as long as they're thinking that
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they're not thinking about
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what we want them to be thinking about
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which is like the
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situation that's causing all the trouble
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they get preoccupied and focused on
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their resentment towards you now
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like i said not everyone will show that
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to you on the outside so you might feel
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like well i don't think my loved one
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does that
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your loved one does that like if you
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have an addictive loved one and you're
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trying to make them stop and see it and
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and they're not wanting to and they're
00:08:12
continuing it i guarantee
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there's no way around that that's just
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going to be the natural response even if
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you don't want to be that way you almost
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like
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reflexively
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it's almost like we have that built-in
00:08:23
oppositionalness when we feel defensive
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and so
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that is definitely going on we don't
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want to distract them
00:08:30
by putting ourselves on a bad guy roll
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you guys that watch this channel you all
00:08:33
know how i feel about that don't get
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yourself in the bad guy roll don't when
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you feel them sucking you into that
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argument or something you need to think
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to yourself uh-uh not me
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you're not making me be the bad guy here
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because you're gonna deal with what you
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did and as long as you're the bad guy
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they won't deal they won't see they
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won't
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feel the natural consequences of their
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own choice because they'll be focusing
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on your choice
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the third reason
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why responding with kindness and empathy
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is just
00:09:03
a hundred times more effective
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is because
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when you
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do that you help someone feel
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much safer around you in general
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and when people feel safer around you
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they're a lot more likely to be
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vulnerable
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and i saw this
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a few times in sessions
00:09:25
that we had in our office this week
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most of you know that
00:09:30
we work with whole families and
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typically we give the person with the
00:09:33
addiction uh like their own coach
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counselor consultant whatever you want
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to call it and we give the family member
00:09:38
their own person we like to call it
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lawyering but occasionally all four the
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two counselors and the two people or
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whatever will meet in the same room to
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sort of hash something out or talk
00:09:48
through something and and a lot of you
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know that i'm usually the one that sees
00:09:52
the person has addiction problem i
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always say i'm always the defense
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attorney
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so i'm usually going in there it feels
00:09:58
like going to court with your client
00:10:00
who's in trouble that's what it feels
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like to me when you go into those those
00:10:02
sessions and um
00:10:05
i'll know that over the course of the
00:10:08
weeks i've been talking with that person
00:10:09
one-on-one they'll have been
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they may not be telling me oh my gosh
00:10:14
i'm like a full-blown addict now you
00:10:16
know i gotta go to treatment but they're
00:10:17
usually telling me stuff like you know
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what i shouldn't have said that and i
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really have been drinking too much i
00:10:23
need to cut it back because really it
00:10:25
you know makes me feel bad so they're
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actually giving me
00:10:28
a lot of
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i mean the clinical word for it is
00:10:31
change talk but basically it's like
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they're being vulnerable and they're
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opening up and they're letting me know
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that they do see it at least on some
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level but what's funny is what i saw
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happen this week in sessions is when i
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got that same client who i know done
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told me all that stuff like
00:10:48
sincerely tearfully like really meant it
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got them in session and immediately
00:10:53
because the family members in there
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they're like i don't have problems it's
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you you know they're just like in there
00:10:57
starting to find i'm like wow look at
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this like
00:11:01
i know you know you shouldn't done that
00:11:02
you told me yesterday that but when they
00:11:04
get in there in front of that family
00:11:06
member they're just acting all
00:11:08
big and tough i call it the big talk you
00:11:10
know they're giving the big talk and
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they just refuse to show any
00:11:14
vulnerability so sometimes you can be
00:11:16
looking at your addicted loved one and
00:11:17
you may think they don't get it at all
00:11:20
most of the time
00:11:22
they get it on a little bit they may not
00:11:25
get it like really like to the full
00:11:27
extent
00:11:28
but they do kind of know that it's
00:11:30
problematic but a lot of times they just
00:11:32
won't show it to you
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because they don't feel safe enough they
00:11:36
don't want to get a big lecture they
00:11:38
don't want to get it back i told you so
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they don't want to be forced into
00:11:41
going to treatment or giving it up when
00:11:43
they're not ready to so they won't let
00:11:45
you know that they know and they'll stay
00:11:47
in that big talk kind of defensive lane
00:11:51
i'm telling you i watched it happen in
00:11:52
session this week i'm like what in the
00:11:54
world
00:11:54
they don't know you know better than
00:11:56
that but
00:11:57
get them in there but at least it lets
00:11:58
me know okay this is what's this is
00:12:00
where the communication gaps going
00:12:02
around here right like they're not they
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won't show any vulnerability
00:12:05
whatsoever to that family member just
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because they're just locked into that
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power struggle
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the other reason why
00:12:12
empathy and kindness works is because
00:12:15
when someone feels like they have a lot
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of support
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and they have like that safety net
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they're actually a lot more likely to
00:12:24
take big courageous difficult steps
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you know it's like when you know
00:12:28
someone's got your back when you know
00:12:30
someone you know is there for you and
00:12:32
you've got you've got people you're just
00:12:34
a lot more likely to go out and try new
00:12:36
things and and
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try harder to overcome the problem just
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because you feel stronger when you know
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you have that support system around you
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when you feel like you're the only one
00:12:46
out there and you're backed into a
00:12:47
corner and you're lonely and you're
00:12:49
defensive and you're angry you're you're
00:12:52
just going to cling on to whatever
00:12:54
safety that you have and usually when
00:12:56
you're dealing with addiction that
00:12:58
safety comes from the addiction and they
00:13:00
literally don't feel like they have
00:13:01
anything else so they won't
00:13:02
let go of that they're just hanging on
00:13:04
to it like a security blanket even when
00:13:05
they want to
00:13:07
they they're they're too scared to and
00:13:09
they don't you know
00:13:11
even if you're in a really bad situation
00:13:13
you've probably been in a long time and
00:13:15
you're used to it and so you you know
00:13:17
that and it's predictable
00:13:19
and that seems less scary than going out
00:13:21
there and making another
00:13:23
big choice but when people feel
00:13:24
supported and backed up
00:13:27
they're likely to be able to do that and
00:13:29
i don't just mean with addictions i just
00:13:30
mean in life in in general you know kids
00:13:33
that feel like they have parents at home
00:13:35
that are supportive and they have their
00:13:36
back and they have like a solid home
00:13:38
base are more likely to go out into the
00:13:40
world
00:13:41
and try new things and travel and
00:13:43
explore and and do big things because
00:13:46
it's like i know no matter what i got my
00:13:47
home base now
00:13:49
but some of you might thinking well
00:13:51
they can't be coming back to my house if
00:13:53
they're using i understand that
00:13:55
and and i understand also if that has to
00:13:57
be a boundary for a family i get why
00:13:59
that happens sometimes but even then you
00:14:01
can still be that emotional
00:14:04
support home base for people i'm telling
00:14:06
people just
00:14:07
function better you'll see the better
00:14:09
qualities in people when they feel safe
00:14:11
and they feel like they have that
00:14:14
now
00:14:15
lastly and this one's for you as the
00:14:17
family member
00:14:20
the reason why
00:14:22
responding in kindness and empathy
00:14:24
is so much better is because
00:14:27
when you
00:14:28
engage in all those other behaviors like
00:14:31
nagging complaining yeah link
00:14:33
threatening and all that stuff
00:14:34
you're actually enabling
00:14:37
in fact some of you may have heard me
00:14:38
say this before i feel like that kind of
00:14:40
behavior is more enabling than like
00:14:42
giving them money and stuff i know
00:14:44
everyone thinks like giving people money
00:14:45
like that's the ultimate enabling thing
00:14:47
to do i mean i guess it is kind of
00:14:48
enabling but
00:14:50
you give someone 20 bucks at 20 bucks is
00:14:51
gone in five minutes because they don't
00:14:52
spend it on drugs or whatever
00:14:55
if you yell at someone and treat them
00:14:57
crappy
00:14:58
they'll literally use that emotional
00:15:01
fuel and leverage to justify their bad
00:15:03
behavior for the next six months
00:15:05
remember you say that to me so it's
00:15:07
almost like you're giving them the
00:15:08
currency the emotional currency that
00:15:10
they need to continue to use so
00:15:13
so when you
00:15:14
enable
00:15:16
by way of being the bad guy
00:15:18
you
00:15:19
give them what they need to make that
00:15:22
next bad choice which i'm telling you is
00:15:24
more problematic than the money now i'm
00:15:25
not saying give them a bunch of money
00:15:27
i'm not saying that i'm just saying like
00:15:28
there are other ways to enable and you
00:15:30
may be like oh i don't enable don't give
00:15:32
him anything but if you're playing that
00:15:33
bad guy role you're enabling
00:15:36
now
00:15:38
also
00:15:40
when you're responding kindness and
00:15:41
empathy for yourself this is one for you
00:15:43
you like yourself better
00:15:45
right because you you know deep down in
00:15:47
your heart that that's the kind of
00:15:48
person you want to be and you know you
00:15:51
feel like no matter what they did that
00:15:52
you've made the right decision and you
00:15:54
can feel proud and you've kept your side
00:15:56
of the street clean
00:15:57
so
00:15:58
you feel better about you
00:16:01
and
00:16:02
when you feel better about you you have
00:16:04
more self-confidence and when you have
00:16:06
more self-confidence you act better it's
00:16:09
like it's like domino's in the right
00:16:11
direction right you feel more secure you
00:16:13
feel more confident they respond to you
00:16:15
in a better way which then feeds the
00:16:17
positive
00:16:19
you know like feedback loop so
00:16:23
for them and for you
00:16:26
when possible responding with kindness
00:16:29
and empathy is the better response now i
00:16:32
totally get that when you're dealing
00:16:34
with an addiction problem
00:16:36
sometimes
00:16:37
they
00:16:39
are going to start a fight and poke at
00:16:42
you like a beast until you lose it and
00:16:45
they're just not going to let you
00:16:47
be kind i i saw that in a session this
00:16:50
week i'm like what is that now my person
00:16:52
is like starting to find like what are
00:16:54
you what are you doing over there like
00:16:55
why why are you doing that just like
00:16:57
poking and poking purposely trying to
00:16:59
start something
00:17:01
so i get that it is not always possible
00:17:04
but when it is possible and when it is a
00:17:06
choice that you have on how to respond
00:17:08
to a situation
00:17:09
kindness support empathy it's just much
00:17:12
more effective i know it feels like
00:17:14
you're doing nothing i know it feels
00:17:16
like maybe you're like positively
00:17:18
reinforcing bad behavior but all you're
00:17:20
doing is
00:17:22
allowing yourself to get out of the way
00:17:24
so they can see it because i'm telling
00:17:25
you when you do that people will see it
00:17:28
and most of the time they already know
00:17:30
it on some level even if they're not
00:17:31
telling it to you the reason i know
00:17:32
that's because they come in my office
00:17:34
and they tell me and so i know that they
00:17:35
know
00:17:36
you know they may not
00:17:37
label themselves as an addict or i'll
00:17:39
call it but they probably think i'm
00:17:40
using too much or let that get out of
00:17:42
control or i need to stop doing that or
00:17:44
this isn't good for me they know it
00:17:45
already
00:17:46
so
00:17:47
you just if you'll just let the natural
00:17:49
process happen
00:17:51
usually in most situations
00:17:55
letting the natural process happen gets
00:17:57
you there faster occasionally you have
00:17:58
to take some other steps but as a
00:18:00
general i think that is the best way to
00:18:03
go
00:18:05
now let's see who's here all of you who
00:18:06
are joining me live i'm so glad that
00:18:09
you're here if you're watching this on
00:18:10
the replay i'm glad that you're here as
00:18:12
well so definitely jump in there and
00:18:15
join this conversation let's see what
00:18:17
you guys have to say
00:18:19
i want to hear your experience with this
00:18:21
topic because i know you have some
00:18:24
hey shelly martha
00:18:26
buddy buddy says you can show kindness
00:18:29
by being brutally honest and set and
00:18:32
stick to boundaries
00:18:34
it's
00:18:35
or it's just silliness
00:18:38
um i think when you say buddy when you
00:18:40
say brutally honest i think the word
00:18:43
brutally when you put it on there
00:18:45
sort of
00:18:48
circumvents or overrides the word
00:18:49
kindness can't be brutal and be
00:18:52
condescending you can be honest and be
00:18:55
kind at the same time
00:18:57
but brutally honest and kind and
00:19:00
doesn't always mix so well together
00:19:06
um
00:19:07
hey shelly
00:19:09
hey meg
00:19:13
let's see
00:19:14
jacqueline says i have constantly shown
00:19:16
empathy even with his couple of relapses
00:19:19
i haven't said anything different
00:19:21
than i know that you're that you go that
00:19:24
your go-to coping skills can be really
00:19:26
hard
00:19:27
have you gotten how does he
00:19:29
how does your
00:19:31
loved one respond back to you uh am i
00:19:34
saying your name right jaquina
00:19:36
let me know how that works does it work
00:19:38
better does it work worse what's the
00:19:40
what's the outcome of that
00:19:43
[Music]
00:19:46
oh here we go here's some more on that
00:19:49
but he will project his anger onto me so
00:19:50
trying to get him to understand that i'm
00:19:52
here for him through his journey but
00:19:54
doesn't
00:19:56
but doesn't mean
00:19:58
he can use
00:20:00
me doesn't mean he can use me as a
00:20:02
punching bag i see what you're saying
00:20:03
that's exactly right and like i said
00:20:05
sometimes you deal with someone with
00:20:06
addiction problem they just they'll
00:20:07
either project onto you like what you're
00:20:09
saying or they'll just start a fight
00:20:11
because they actually do feel really
00:20:13
guilty inside if they start a fight with
00:20:15
you then they can be mad at you which is
00:20:17
easier than feeling guilty so i said you
00:20:21
it's usually
00:20:22
it well it's pretty much always the best
00:20:24
response to become but
00:20:26
but don't
00:20:27
think that
00:20:28
um
00:20:30
your loved one if they're addicted will
00:20:31
always respond in kindness back
00:20:35
let's see here
00:20:37
robin says makes perfect sense but
00:20:39
difficult to do in the moment
00:20:42
a hundred percent sometimes it's easier
00:20:44
than others based on how much they're
00:20:47
trying to hit your buttons or not trying
00:20:49
to hit your buttons hey hondo
00:20:52
um
00:20:53
ebony says i feel like when i was
00:20:55
showing compassion he was taking
00:20:57
advantage he started using more so i put
00:21:00
him out now he claims he needs a home
00:21:02
and he's struggling he's struggling
00:21:05
here what in the world
00:21:07
okay
00:21:09
that's a actually i'm glad you said that
00:21:10
ebony because that
00:21:12
that happens sometimes especially
00:21:15
for the people that are in our invisible
00:21:17
intervention inside of that online
00:21:19
course we we teach families how to
00:21:23
intervene with an addicted loved one and
00:21:24
we use the craft method for that and it
00:21:27
focuses on positive reinforcement
00:21:28
relationship building a lot of the stuff
00:21:29
that we're talking about here
00:21:31
and
00:21:32
when people first start doing that
00:21:35
they get frustrated because they think
00:21:36
well it's not making the using better in
00:21:38
fact the using has gotten worse
00:21:40
but
00:21:41
what i want you to know ebony is
00:21:42
actually that's what that's that's okay
00:21:45
that means you're on track because the
00:21:46
being
00:21:48
kind
00:21:49
doesn't make them not use the being kind
00:21:53
allows them to see the problem so if
00:21:56
you're being kind and the problem
00:21:58
escalates a little bit
00:21:59
that's actually a really good
00:22:01
combination for getting someone out of
00:22:03
denial now i'm not telling you that
00:22:05
ebony
00:22:05
if you have someone in your house that's
00:22:07
like
00:22:08
not okay they're not they're abusive
00:22:10
they're doing things you know i don't
00:22:12
mean that you should be kind and keep
00:22:13
someone in your home who's treating you
00:22:15
really badly or causing some kind of
00:22:17
chaos or being abused that's not what
00:22:19
i'm saying but
00:22:20
it's okay when that happens and i know a
00:22:22
lot of people get frustrated they're
00:22:23
like but they but they're not slowing
00:22:24
down they're using and i'm like yeah but
00:22:25
that's not what we thought would happen
00:22:27
what we think is going to happen is that
00:22:29
they're going to start to see it and
00:22:30
actually when it escalates that's
00:22:31
actually better because it it makes them
00:22:34
have to see that it's even more
00:22:35
problematic and when you're not in the
00:22:37
way distracting them they'll see it
00:22:39
faster so it usually gets a little worse
00:22:42
and then it starts to get better so
00:22:44
don't see that as a sign
00:22:46
that it's that what you're doing isn't
00:22:48
being effective
00:22:50
like when people come into miles i'm
00:22:51
like super nice to them and they tell me
00:22:53
they're gonna do this and that and it's
00:22:54
gonna make it better and i'm sitting
00:22:56
there thinking yeah
00:22:57
not gonna work but i'm super nice to
00:22:59
them and i let them do it and then it
00:23:00
usually gets worse and then eventually
00:23:02
they come around they're like you know
00:23:04
what you tell me that probably wasn't
00:23:05
gonna work you were right about that and
00:23:07
because i have a good relationship they
00:23:08
can be vulnerable enough to say
00:23:09
something like that to me i know you
00:23:11
told me and you were right
00:23:12
if if they're locked up into like a
00:23:15
power struggle with you even if they
00:23:16
know you're right they're not gonna tell
00:23:17
you that they're not gonna be vulnerable
00:23:18
with you like that
00:23:22
let's see christine says my daughter
00:23:25
is in early recovery but still acts
00:23:27
defensive she gets irritated easily and
00:23:30
triggers me by her reaction
00:23:32
since i fear her relapse my guess is
00:23:35
christine you probably are both very
00:23:37
vulnerable she's in her recovery and
00:23:39
you're easily triggered and she's easily
00:23:41
triggered like
00:23:42
if you're worried about her relapsing
00:23:44
probably triggers her that you don't
00:23:46
trust her and then she probably acts
00:23:47
defensively toward you which then
00:23:48
triggers usually like are you using
00:23:50
again you know it's just it's kind of a
00:23:51
circular
00:23:52
feedback process and in those early days
00:23:55
everybody everybody's vulnerable and
00:23:57
there are trust issues on both sides
00:24:02
[Music]
00:24:04
um let's see here
00:24:08
buddy says addicts shouldn't require
00:24:10
more sympathy than our veterans are
00:24:12
dying but they get it i'm a veteran and
00:24:15
one who dealt with my demon
00:24:17
well what i would say to you buddy is is
00:24:19
that
00:24:20
many many veterans are also people
00:24:22
struggling with addictions
00:24:24
and what i teach on this channel isn't
00:24:26
about who
00:24:28
should
00:24:30
or deserves kindness i'm not saying they
00:24:32
do they they don't
00:24:35
i'm just telling you what works
00:24:37
i'm here to tell you that if you want x
00:24:39
to happen you do this and it's not about
00:24:42
whether they deserve it or should have
00:24:44
it or not i'm just i'm just here to tell
00:24:46
you what what works because
00:24:48
some of you are out there and you may
00:24:49
know that they don't that's your kid
00:24:51
right and you you just can't walk away
00:24:53
or that's your husband or there's some
00:24:55
you know there's all kind of reasons why
00:24:57
even even when they don't
00:24:59
deserve your compassion and grace still
00:25:02
the best thing dude plus i'm telling you
00:25:05
it when you act right you feel better
00:25:07
about yourself and you know deep down
00:25:09
inside that you want to be
00:25:12
a good person you don't want to be a
00:25:13
crazy screaming lunatic because when you
00:25:15
do that you hate yourself and then you
00:25:17
hate them for making you act that way
00:25:19
and it's just a mess
00:25:20
[Music]
00:25:24
loretta says how do i be kind but
00:25:25
enforce boundaries
00:25:27
that is a great question but it's a big
00:25:29
question i don't know
00:25:30
if i can answer that on this video
00:25:32
because we're going to run out of time
00:25:33
soon but i do have a whole playlist on
00:25:35
boundaries so definitely check that out
00:25:38
because it's a good good question
00:25:41
[Music]
00:25:42
jimmy says it's hard to be empathetic
00:25:44
without enabling
00:25:46
so challenging your videos and
00:25:47
information are great to help
00:25:49
understanding someone having an
00:25:50
addiction hey thanks jimmy you're right
00:25:52
it is challenging um
00:25:54
especially the more negatively they act
00:25:57
towards you the more challenging it is
00:25:59
sometimes people have addiction even
00:26:01
though they're addicted they don't
00:26:02
necessarily act negatively towards you
00:26:04
and that can actually cause you to be
00:26:06
overly empathetic to their
00:26:08
situation the ones that come at you and
00:26:11
are kind of aggressive and defensive
00:26:13
um
00:26:14
they're actually easier to deal with on
00:26:16
some levels the other ones that act
00:26:17
really depressed and pitiful they sort
00:26:19
of pull you in to be so empathetic to
00:26:22
your situation that you won't hold
00:26:24
appropriate boundaries so you know
00:26:26
it it the manipulation
00:26:29
can go in either direction but it's
00:26:31
still manipulation so i know what you're
00:26:32
dealing with
00:26:35
um
00:26:38
let's see here kathy says i'm trying to
00:26:41
be nice but had to have my husband leave
00:26:44
recently so
00:26:45
mad that he has to seek help to come
00:26:47
home it's so tempting to let him back in
00:26:50
um
00:26:52
if you've already set that boundary i
00:26:54
would probably hold it
00:26:57
because you've already said it and
00:26:58
you've already said it
00:26:59
and
00:27:01
i'm big believer you know i'm not a
00:27:03
believer in having a lot of rules or
00:27:05
setting a lot of boundaries or giving
00:27:06
ultimatums i say avoid it whenever
00:27:08
possible but if you do have to do it
00:27:10
then you need to hold it because
00:27:11
otherwise
00:27:13
that is when you could be reinforcing
00:27:14
negative behavior
00:27:17
hey list i'm glad you found this channel
00:27:19
too
00:27:21
uh robin says
00:27:24
even a a it's getting is getting sick of
00:27:26
him showing up drunk and rambling even
00:27:29
cut him off and now his feelings are her
00:27:31
and he likely won't continue to go
00:27:34
yeah like
00:27:36
that's bad if a a is like dude you can't
00:27:38
come here you're too drunk it's kind of
00:27:40
bad
00:27:41
but
00:27:42
if
00:27:44
anyone even if it's a a people in aaa
00:27:48
anyone needs to have some kind of
00:27:49
healthy boundary and even if they want
00:27:51
to help you and they understand that you
00:27:53
have you know alcoholism you have a
00:27:55
dictionary problem and even though they
00:27:56
know they may have done the same thing
00:27:57
before
00:27:59
if letting that person come to the
00:28:00
meeting literally disrupts and makes
00:28:03
sure no one else there gets anything i
00:28:05
mean it's kind of like
00:28:06
an appropriate boundary and and um what
00:28:10
you're saying robin there about
00:28:12
the person then using that to feel sorry
00:28:14
for themselves that's such addictive
00:28:15
thinking i say addiction is fueled by
00:28:17
self-pity and resentment
00:28:19
which is another reason to stay out of
00:28:20
the bad guy role because you're just
00:28:22
just not giving them the fuel
00:28:25
if possible
00:28:29
let's see here
00:28:32
when he says when can you let your
00:28:33
spouse back into the home
00:28:36
um
00:28:37
if you have asked someone to leave the
00:28:40
home
00:28:42
ah
00:28:44
would not let them come back home until
00:28:47
there's been significant change not just
00:28:48
like okay i went and saw amber the
00:28:50
counselor one time because
00:28:52
then you'll learn back and
00:28:54
then everything's just gonna fall
00:28:55
through so if you've set that boundary
00:28:57
you need to hold that boundary that
00:28:58
doesn't mean however that you can't
00:29:01
have conversations with that person
00:29:03
have dinner with that person maybe let
00:29:05
the person come to the house have dinner
00:29:06
whatever doesn't mean you have to be
00:29:07
mean or have like a a bad or distant
00:29:10
relationship with the person but it's
00:29:11
this is just about
00:29:13
setting that healthy boundary for
00:29:15
yourself
00:29:17
let's see sunshine
00:29:20
says every day is like a battle for me
00:29:23
to convince my husband to quit drugs he
00:29:25
doesn't stay at home he stays out with
00:29:27
his addictive friends and gets more and
00:29:29
more angry i hear you sunshine
00:29:32
the craziest thing about dealing with
00:29:34
someone has a dick's problem is
00:29:36
they're literally breaking every
00:29:38
boundary possible they're stealing
00:29:40
they're lying they're cheating they're
00:29:41
manipulating but they're mad at you
00:29:44
and i know that that's like maddie's
00:29:45
like really like
00:29:47
but that's kind of the way that
00:29:49
addiction works it's part of that
00:29:52
thinking
00:29:53
messed up thinking so
00:29:57
judy says i try to speak from an open
00:30:00
heart to my daughter-in-law but i still
00:30:01
have resentment towards her because of
00:30:03
her emotionally or psychologically
00:30:05
abandon my grandchildren
00:30:07
i can understand that
00:30:09
i can understand that and sometimes it
00:30:10
is hard
00:30:11
when you have such hurt feelings to
00:30:13
respond in kindness
00:30:15
i still think you're probably doing the
00:30:16
right decision and i can even tell judy
00:30:18
that you even though it's hard for you
00:30:20
you don't like it you still feel like
00:30:22
you're making the right decision and i
00:30:24
agree i think you are making the right
00:30:25
decision
00:30:27
if you agree if you agree that kindness
00:30:30
and empathy
00:30:31
and support is a better way to go at
00:30:34
helping someone get out of the now then
00:30:35
give this video a thumbs up let me know
00:30:37
that i'm on track or that you've tried
00:30:39
that let me know i'm not i'm not crazy
00:30:41
over here by myself
00:30:43
and if you're watching this and you are
00:30:45
a parent of someone who has a substance
00:30:48
abuse problem we are going to open a
00:30:51
coaching community specifically for
00:30:53
parents in october and our parent
00:30:56
recovery specialist campbell is going to
00:30:58
be leading that it's not open yet you
00:31:00
can't get into it but we are making a
00:31:03
late a waiting list because we're only
00:31:05
going to keep it open for very short
00:31:07
time for people to enter so i'm going to
00:31:09
put the link up here for you um
00:31:12
so that you can get on the waiting list
00:31:14
in case you want to do that
00:31:16
and up next for you i'm going to put
00:31:18
some more videos
00:31:20
more about enabling versus versus
00:31:23
helping how to stay out of that enabling
00:31:25
role