"I'm Fine" - Learning To Live With Depression | Jake Tyler | TEDxBrighton

00:16:04
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDPDEKtd2yM

概要

TLDRThe speaker shares their profound experiences with depression, illustrating how they masked their struggles by saying they were 'fine.' They detail a turning point when they realized they needed help and the transformative power of connecting with others through outdoor activities. This journey led them to embark on a 3,000-mile hike around Great Britain to promote mental health awareness and connect with those facing similar challenges. Through their journey, they discovered the importance of community and the healing nature of sharing one's struggles, ultimately finding joy and purpose in the process.

収穫

  • 🎤 Importance of addressing mental health openly.
  • 🏞️ Connection with nature as a healing tool.
  • 👣 The journey of walking helped the speaker reclaim happiness.
  • 💬 Sharing experiences fosters community and support.
  • 📞 Calling loved ones can provide necessary help.
  • 👥 Everyone struggles, and it's important to talk about feelings.
  • 🏃‍♂️ Movement is more than exercise; it's about progress.
  • 💔 Depression convinces individuals they are alone in their feelings.
  • 🏅 Achievements can serve as reminders of strength and resilience.
  • ✨ Healing involves not only seeking help but also helping others.

タイムライン

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The speaker begins by addressing an awkward engagement tactic often used in social settings that leads to quick, insincere responses. They reveal their struggle with depression, highlighting how they have become adept at pretending to be fine. The speaker reflects on the challenges of living with depression, including feelings of self-loathing and overwhelming despair. They share a pivotal moment when they contemplated taking their life but chose to reach out to their mother instead, seeking help after realizing they were beyond coping alone.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    After seeking help from a professional, the speaker explores the fine line between wanting to die and simply wanting relief from their pain. They describe how depression creeps in and out, often making it difficult to recognize one's feelings. A turning point occurs when they find joy in walking a dog, leading to a sense of clarity and motivation to document their journey across Great Britain. The speaker shares how their endeavor—walking to manage mental health and inspire others—turned into an unexpected lifestyle change that connected them with a larger community facing similar struggles.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:16:04

    In a later part of the journey, the speaker joins a BBC documentary to raise awareness about mental health while preparing for a marathon. They stress that the real impact lies in the community and shared experiences, rather than just physical exercise. The speaker emphasizes the importance of open conversations about mental health, which break down societal barriers. Finally, they share a reflective moment from the marathon, realizing that in the face of their struggles, they found strength and a desire to live, encouraging others to face their own battles with mental health.

マインドマップ

ビデオQ&A

  • What is the main topic of the video?

    The speaker discusses their journey with depression and how they found healing through walking and community.

  • How did the speaker deal with feelings of depression?

    They initially deflected questions about their well-being, but eventually sought help and found relief through outdoor activities.

  • What was the significance of the walk around Great Britain?

    The walk served as a way to promote mental health awareness and to foster connections with others experiencing similar struggles.

  • What did the speaker realize about talking about mental health?

    They found that it helps break down barriers and fosters connections, as many people feel isolated in their experiences.

  • What message does the speaker want to convey?

    The importance of seeking help, talking openly about mental health, and finding community support.

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  • 00:00:00
    [Music]
  • 00:00:08
    Wow hi all right how's it going how are
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    you feeling at shouldn't be up there
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    yeah okay
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    how we all doing awful all forward not
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    you what you did was absolutely fine I'm
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    talking about the the torturous
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    engagement tactic that I just used
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    I hate that when when the person I know
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    I just did it but when the person comes
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    out and they start doing the thing and
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    they asked a whole room a whole room
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    full of people at the same time how
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    they're doing because the only thing you
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    can really say in response to that is
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    like oh whatever you just did and that
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    isn't an appropriate answer to how are
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    you doing any other situation you know I
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    could be shopping in Woolworths in 1994
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    and I go up to I see a mate in there
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    looking at the fur bees and I'd be like
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    hey Gordon you know how's it going if
  • 00:01:10
    Gordon just turns around and goes down
  • 00:01:12
    like that just howls at the strip
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    lighting at the top like some mad
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    citified 90's wolf I'm gonna think what
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    freaked and just turn around leave my
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    basket of pogs there and just walk off
  • 00:01:29
    but yeah when I when people ask me how
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    I'm doing I say I'm fine generally I
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    think that's that's what everybody does
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    but for me that's not real appropriate
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    answer either because for me it's a way
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    of deflecting the question it's like a
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    reflex and deflecting that question is
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    something I've got really good at
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    because a lot of the time I'm not fine
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    in fact but I live with depression and
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    deflecting people away from what's
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    really going on with me is just it's
  • 00:01:58
    just what I do when you get really
  • 00:02:04
    convincing it pretending that you're
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    okay
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    people just assume you are much like a
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    lot of you thought there was nothing
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    wrong with me when I first came out here
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    none of my friends family anybody knew
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    anything was wrong with me until maybe a
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    year and a half ago when I decided to
  • 00:02:22
    tell them I've been secretly living with
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    dark thoughts and self-loathing for you
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    know most of my adult life and saying
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    I'm fine and not addressing it and not
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    letting anybody in is if it's just a bad
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    move you know and the more the things
  • 00:02:42
    that have happened to me over the last
  • 00:02:43
    year that the more I've sort of realized
  • 00:02:45
    that that's it's like putting a plaster
  • 00:02:48
    over cancer you're not dealing with
  • 00:02:49
    anything last April was the worst time
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    for me I was living with that feeling I
  • 00:02:57
    can't even describe I still can I'm have
  • 00:03:00
    to now obviously but if I was to choose
  • 00:03:04
    one word it'd be something like
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    overwhelm I remember lying in bed one
  • 00:03:09
    morning and I was overwhelmed because I
  • 00:03:11
    was trying to remember what feeling
  • 00:03:13
    happy felt like and I couldn't remember
  • 00:03:16
    and I thought there's no point in living
  • 00:03:22
    if I can't actually remember how to be
  • 00:03:24
    happy anymore I'd had suicidal thoughts
  • 00:03:27
    before as everyone who suffers from
  • 00:03:30
    depression it surely does but always
  • 00:03:34
    knew I'd never really go through with it
  • 00:03:35
    because of the the pain and you know
  • 00:03:38
    everything that would cause the people
  • 00:03:39
    that were close to me is you know what a
  • 00:03:40
    great deterrent that is I just didn't
  • 00:03:42
    couldn't do that but that morning when I
  • 00:03:44
    lay in bed depression had completely
  • 00:03:47
    taken over my thoughts it manipulated
  • 00:03:52
    and it had lied its way into making me
  • 00:03:54
    think that ending my own life wasn't
  • 00:03:56
    just best for me but actually would be
  • 00:03:57
    best for everybody because that was that
  • 00:04:00
    is what depression does it overpowers
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    you it takes the wheel and it steers you
  • 00:04:04
    away from everyone and everything you
  • 00:04:06
    love and it takes you down a dark tunnel
  • 00:04:08
    and when you're in that turn oh it hugs
  • 00:04:11
    you and it tells you that this is where
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    you're supposed to belong I called my
  • 00:04:16
    mum that morning but it wasn't because I
  • 00:04:18
    needed help I thought I was beyond help
  • 00:04:19
    I called her because I thought that day
  • 00:04:22
    I was going to take my own life and I
  • 00:04:24
    called her to hear her voice one last
  • 00:04:26
    time
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    not only does my mum love me I think she
  • 00:04:32
    she knows me better than anyone and also
  • 00:04:35
    she's a mental health professional and I
  • 00:04:36
    think by the tone of my voice the kind
  • 00:04:38
    of things that I was saying she knew
  • 00:04:41
    something really serious was up and and
  • 00:04:43
    the love I heard in her voice she she
  • 00:04:46
    managed to bring me back for a second
  • 00:04:49
    and in that second she suggested that
  • 00:04:50
    together we get me some help and that's
  • 00:04:54
    kind of all it took I went to my GP the
  • 00:04:57
    next day and I did something I thought
  • 00:04:59
    I'd never do I I told someone I didn't
  • 00:05:04
    know what was going on inside my own
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    head and after a little conversation
  • 00:05:07
    about depression he asked me a question
  • 00:05:08
    I can't believe I hadn't asked myself he
  • 00:05:11
    said do you actually want to die or do
  • 00:05:14
    you just not want to feel like this
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    anymore
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    I thought what an important distinction
  • 00:05:18
    to make because when you're when you're
  • 00:05:20
    in that fog you cannot you can't ask
  • 00:05:22
    yourself questions like that my
  • 00:05:26
    depression doesn't hit me like a
  • 00:05:27
    sledgehammer out of nowhere I needed
  • 00:05:31
    this it leave like with sudden relief
  • 00:05:32
    like waking up from a nightmare it
  • 00:05:34
    creeps in and then it creeps away again
  • 00:05:36
    it's like taking a painkiller for a
  • 00:05:39
    headache you don't know the instant your
  • 00:05:40
    headache is gone
  • 00:05:41
    you just realize it's been gone a while
  • 00:05:42
    I realized I was feeling better when I
  • 00:05:46
    was out walking the dog one day and I
  • 00:05:48
    realized I've walked the thing 12 miles
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    and everything just everything I just
  • 00:05:53
    and I was perfectly happy doing that and
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    it just felt good you know and this
  • 00:05:57
    sounds weird but everything looks normal
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    again all the colors looked how they
  • 00:06:02
    should because depression kind of lowers
  • 00:06:04
    the saturation on everything for me and
  • 00:06:06
    everything just looked good it just felt
  • 00:06:08
    good there's like the part of my brain
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    that conked out six months before had
  • 00:06:13
    just spluttered back into life and all
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    these my excitement and motivation and
  • 00:06:18
    appreciation of beauty or this sort of
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    thing had suddenly start to come back
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    online and I was beginning to remember a
  • 00:06:24
    feeling happy felt like I put it all
  • 00:06:27
    down to the walk-in I put it well not
  • 00:06:28
    all of it but I put it down to being
  • 00:06:30
    outside and making that first step into
  • 00:06:32
    talking home and I had an idea I went
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    into town straightaway and I bought a
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    map of Great Britain and I sat
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    frantically circling all the all the
  • 00:06:43
    parts of the country that I thought
  • 00:06:46
    would inspire me to stay outside the
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    hole you know then just to kind of keep
  • 00:06:51
    this good feeling going and and I
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    thought in turn if I document that then
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    I might inspire other people who've been
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    through what I've been through to to get
  • 00:07:01
    outside as well
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    once I'd circled all the bits of Great
  • 00:07:05
    Britain that I wanted to see I put a big
  • 00:07:07
    line through them all when this route
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    appeared in front of me I'm like yes I'm
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    doing that I need to do that that was
  • 00:07:13
    the easy bit obviously the hard bit
  • 00:07:15
    wasn't getting myself match fit which
  • 00:07:17
    was really hard you should have seen me
  • 00:07:20
    it wasn't researching and sourcing the
  • 00:07:22
    kit I needed it wasn't plotting my route
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    to the end it was was telling people
  • 00:07:27
    what I was good not so much what I was
  • 00:07:28
    gonna do but why I was gonna do it
  • 00:07:30
    because it meant coming clean finally
  • 00:07:31
    all these feelings I've been so ashamed
  • 00:07:33
    of for so long all this stuff that I
  • 00:07:34
    fought compromised Who I am as a person
  • 00:07:36
    I had to tell them all it was the worst
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    thing I ever had to do and the best
  • 00:07:44
    thing I ever did the response absolutely
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    floored me and I couldn't believe the
  • 00:07:51
    amount of people that were going through
  • 00:07:52
    the same kind of thing I was going
  • 00:07:53
    through and all of a sudden I realized
  • 00:07:55
    that this was important this is
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    something I really really have to do the
  • 00:08:00
    name I gave my 3,000 mile hike around
  • 00:08:03
    Great Britain was black dog walks six
  • 00:08:08
    weeks later I stood at Brighton Pier and
  • 00:08:10
    just started heading west all I had on
  • 00:08:12
    me ironically were the things that I
  • 00:08:14
    needed to survive in a week I'd reached
  • 00:08:18
    Bournemouth in a month and a half I'd
  • 00:08:21
    reached Lands End and at this point it
  • 00:08:23
    was all about promoting exercise of
  • 00:08:25
    being outdoors as a way of managing
  • 00:08:26
    mental health and raising money for the
  • 00:08:28
    Mental Health Foundation but by the time
  • 00:08:30
    I got up to Wales I've been gone for so
  • 00:08:32
    long the thing had turned from a
  • 00:08:34
    challenge into a lifestyle where I found
  • 00:08:38
    a way to live in the moment serendipity
  • 00:08:40
    serendipitous encounters with strangers
  • 00:08:43
    of being immersed in nature all the time
  • 00:08:45
    and having the feeling like you're
  • 00:08:48
    living completely in the moment is like
  • 00:08:49
    gold dust to a depressive
  • 00:08:55
    by the time I'd made it into North Wales
  • 00:08:58
    climb Mount Snowdon and come back I was
  • 00:09:01
    getting messages from people all over
  • 00:09:02
    the country and I couldn't believe how
  • 00:09:05
    open people were being about their own
  • 00:09:06
    experiences and how much this was
  • 00:09:08
    connecting with people and I know it was
  • 00:09:09
    something really really interesting a
  • 00:09:11
    lot of people who got in touch with me
  • 00:09:13
    hadn't actually told anyone else I was
  • 00:09:15
    the first person they were telling and I
  • 00:09:16
    was like no one no one else could
  • 00:09:18
    understand and I remember having that
  • 00:09:19
    feeling as well because everything in my
  • 00:09:22
    life led me to my depression that awful
  • 00:09:25
    feeling you know the situation's have
  • 00:09:28
    been in the people in my life the
  • 00:09:30
    decisions I've made everything had just
  • 00:09:34
    reached that one moment I thought how
  • 00:09:35
    the hell is anyone gonna understand that
  • 00:09:37
    and ever and that was the thread that
  • 00:09:39
    was running through all these
  • 00:09:40
    conversations I was having with people
  • 00:09:42
    they were like no one's gonna understand
  • 00:09:43
    me cause I've been through this this
  • 00:09:44
    this this and this and I realize it's
  • 00:09:46
    not that's not what we should be talking
  • 00:09:47
    about it's the feeling itself because
  • 00:09:50
    depression is it huge like it's the
  • 00:09:52
    biggest most inclusive club in the world
  • 00:09:55
    like anyone can join it's evolving all
  • 00:09:57
    the time but the its biggest trick is
  • 00:10:01
    convincing everyone who's part of that
  • 00:10:03
    club that they're the only member isn't
  • 00:10:07
    that clever
  • 00:10:07
    and everyone thinks that their stuff is
  • 00:10:11
    the worst and no one's ever had as bad
  • 00:10:13
    as me and all the guilt that goes with
  • 00:10:14
    that and everything but that's because
  • 00:10:15
    we're talking about the wrong things we
  • 00:10:17
    start talking about the feeling itself
  • 00:10:19
    then people can get on board without
  • 00:10:21
    people know what that's like and that's
  • 00:10:23
    when things turn into a community last
  • 00:10:28
    November I experienced the true nature
  • 00:10:29
    of community when I did this got
  • 00:10:32
    involved in a BBC documentary where I
  • 00:10:34
    and nine other people with mental health
  • 00:10:36
    problems decided to tell our stories to
  • 00:10:40
    the nation and run the London Marathon
  • 00:10:42
    together initially I thought it was just
  • 00:10:46
    gonna be a you know something about
  • 00:10:48
    mental health and endorphins and all the
  • 00:10:50
    things I've been trying to sum up with
  • 00:10:51
    in the walk but as it went on I realized
  • 00:10:56
    that running was the backdrop and it was
  • 00:10:57
    more of the community and the
  • 00:10:59
    achievement and all these things that
  • 00:11:00
    running led to that were having a real
  • 00:11:01
    positive impact on my mental health
  • 00:11:05
    movement is
  • 00:11:06
    the words my coach Chevy is that guy
  • 00:11:09
    used it instead of exercise I think I
  • 00:11:12
    still don't quite know his you know how
  • 00:11:14
    his brain works and that's why I love it
  • 00:11:16
    but he but movement sort of isn't just
  • 00:11:19
    about exercise it's about moving forward
  • 00:11:22
    it's about progression it's about
  • 00:11:23
    working on yourself physically and
  • 00:11:25
    mentally and being there for other
  • 00:11:26
    people but being in the documentary I
  • 00:11:32
    mean I was communicating by you know
  • 00:11:33
    doing the walk before through video
  • 00:11:35
    blogging but I had the kind of safety
  • 00:11:37
    net thereof of talking about it for you
  • 00:11:40
    know talking into my phone on my own and
  • 00:11:42
    having the luxury of being able to trim
  • 00:11:44
    out some of the waffle that is some of
  • 00:11:46
    the stuff that I thought wasn't
  • 00:11:47
    necessary later on before I posted it as
  • 00:11:49
    a video blog what my neighbor meritum
  • 00:11:51
    told me to do or force me to do even was
  • 00:11:55
    to put an unedited version of myself out
  • 00:11:59
    there and that's when I realized what a
  • 00:12:02
    great leveller talking about your mental
  • 00:12:04
    health openly is nobody's above anyone
  • 00:12:08
    else in that conversation I think a lot
  • 00:12:10
    of how we present ourselves is is run by
  • 00:12:12
    ego in the status and I think a lot of
  • 00:12:14
    that it governs how you know the things
  • 00:12:17
    that we do and what we say a discussion
  • 00:12:20
    about mental health seems to suspend all
  • 00:12:23
    that and it levels the playing field and
  • 00:12:25
    that's great because it's a reminder
  • 00:12:26
    that really we're all on the same team
  • 00:12:28
    we all have mental health and the more
  • 00:12:31
    we learn about each other's the more we
  • 00:12:34
    learn about our own whether it was
  • 00:12:37
    talking to one of the guys my coach you
  • 00:12:40
    know Nick Knowles Prince Harry you know
  • 00:12:45
    I don't if I've got a picture of Prince
  • 00:12:46
    Harry actually oh yeah I totally do
  • 00:12:52
    so when we announced it we were having
  • 00:12:55
    our first child that's libelous that
  • 00:12:59
    didn't happen
  • 00:13:00
    I didn't impregnate Prince Harry on the
  • 00:13:03
    set of my Nova marathon it's important
  • 00:13:05
    that you know that but I love this
  • 00:13:08
    picture because we do look like mates
  • 00:13:11
    and if we look relaxed and that's
  • 00:13:12
    because I've had I've been lucky enough
  • 00:13:14
    to have that we'll fight we bobbin in
  • 00:13:15
    the background there we'd had this
  • 00:13:17
    conversation this 15-minute 20 minute
  • 00:13:20
    long conversation and I was asking him
  • 00:13:21
    how he was doing he was asking me how I
  • 00:13:22
    was doing it was real weed levelled it
  • 00:13:24
    all out like and I didn't feel beneath
  • 00:13:26
    him Prince Harry
  • 00:13:27
    fell on top of him right that stops now
  • 00:13:30
    that stops now and breaking down the
  • 00:13:34
    invisible barriers that society creates
  • 00:13:35
    for us barriers which make us question
  • 00:13:37
    our place in the world it's just good
  • 00:13:40
    for everybody talking about mental
  • 00:13:43
    health is what's best for society
  • 00:13:44
    because deep down everyone craves human
  • 00:13:47
    connection the walk still going on I'm I
  • 00:13:51
    came down from Inverness I've walked
  • 00:13:52
    over 2,000 miles and after this I'll be
  • 00:13:55
    heading back up there to to finish it up
  • 00:13:58
    back to John O'Groats and then head back
  • 00:13:59
    to Brighton and hopefully finished
  • 00:14:01
    sometime this winter so I'm not gonna
  • 00:14:03
    finish on that because it's not done yet
  • 00:14:06
    I want to I want to finish on something
  • 00:14:08
    that I have achieved and something I'm
  • 00:14:10
    proud of because I want to show that in
  • 00:14:13
    the face of depression people can
  • 00:14:14
    achieve big things and that's a powerful
  • 00:14:17
    thing this is something I wrote the day
  • 00:14:21
    after I ran the London Marathon and a
  • 00:14:24
    year after I lay in bed that day about
  • 00:14:28
    to kill myself as I approached the
  • 00:14:33
    marker at Mar 26 my body begins to feel
  • 00:14:36
    heavy it feels like with every step that
  • 00:14:38
    I take another layer of clothing goes on
  • 00:14:40
    by the time me and poppy marched past
  • 00:14:42
    the houses of parliament I feel like I'm
  • 00:14:44
    wearing a suit of armor and then we run
  • 00:14:47
    the last point two miles is harder than
  • 00:14:50
    the 26 before it it's almost impossible
  • 00:14:53
    eight hundred meters to go six hundred
  • 00:14:55
    meters to go four hundred I feel like
  • 00:14:58
    I'm running through water 200 the crowds
  • 00:15:02
    cheer snaps me back into reality and I
  • 00:15:04
    realized what
  • 00:15:04
    happening where I am and what I'm about
  • 00:15:06
    to do I reach out and I grab Papa's hand
  • 00:15:09
    and do my best to hold it up what I'm so
  • 00:15:11
    weak I could barely lift my own arm i
  • 00:15:13
    feet pound the road in unison both knees
  • 00:15:16
    strapped up as we finally crossed the
  • 00:15:18
    line in 5 hours and 52 minutes and as my
  • 00:15:22
    pace drops and I begin to walk I feel
  • 00:15:24
    strangely calm I glide over to the
  • 00:15:27
    people that have been there with me over
  • 00:15:29
    the last six months as I watch them cry
  • 00:15:31
    and hug and congratulate I take a step
  • 00:15:34
    back and I make a promise to myself that
  • 00:15:37
    whenever I feel worthless whenever I
  • 00:15:43
    feel worthless whenever I feel alone and
  • 00:15:46
    ashamed of the feelings I'm feeling I'll
  • 00:15:50
    play this moment over and over again in
  • 00:15:52
    my head until it goes away because the
  • 00:15:55
    feeling I have right now
  • 00:15:56
    I don't want to die I want to live
  • 00:15:59
    forever thank you
  • 00:16:01
    [Applause]
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