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hi guys welcome to my channel my name is
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Anna I'm a clinical psychology doctorate
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student and I make videos about
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real-life applications to psychology so
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if you're not already subscribed go
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ahead and hit like and subscribe in this
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video we're talking about infidelity so
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the way this video is set up first I
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want to talk about some statistics about
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infidelity then I talked about some of
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the factors that go into whether
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someone's going to cheat or not so
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essentially the risk factors and some of
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the correlated issues some of these are
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individuals some of them are related to
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the relationship and some of them are
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contextual next I talked about why some
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people choose not to cheat as well as
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why some people stay in relationships
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after there's been infidelity and
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finally what this means for you so I
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conclude all the psychological research
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with how to make sure that you're not
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with someone that's gonna cheat on you
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like always the times times are in the
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description box below if you're more
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interested in one section than the
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others so go ahead and skip to whatever
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part you're here for so before I get
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started let me just give a little
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disclaimer most of this research is done
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on married couples because I guess it's
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just easier to study people who are in a
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committed relationship such as marriage
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I do think this is a problem because
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people who are already married might
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have different reasons for cheating than
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people who are not married and I
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definitely don't think that marriage is
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the only way that you can show your
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partners that you're committed to them
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but this is unfortunately the way
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research is right now so most of it is
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going to be about marriage I should also
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mention that most of the research is
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also on heterosexual couples it's very
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possible that LGBT couples have
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completely different trends and I would
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just need to look into specific research
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on them so what percentage of people
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cheat in 1994 twenty to twenty five
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percent of married people cheated in
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nineteen ninety seven thirty four
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percent of them were men and nineteen
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percent were women but now we're
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noticing that the gap is really getting
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even down to right now among young
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couples eleven percent of women are
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cheating and ten percent of men are
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cheating and I'm going to go into the
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different factors that decide whether a
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woman versus a man is going to cheat so
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don't worry but first let me just answer
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the question are we hardwired to cheat
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so humans are highly complex
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animals it's not clear we're not bonded
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for life like swans but we're also not
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completely non-committal like let's say
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buddies I think bunnies are
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non-committal I'm not sure you just
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always hear about what you're doing it
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so we're somewhere in the middle where
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it is biologically adaptive to want to
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have as much genetic variety as possible
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so it is biologically adapted for women
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and men to both spread their genes
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around with different partners but it's
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also biologically adaptive to have a
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long-term partner in order to prevent
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sexually transmitted diseases in order
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to have someone to help you raise the
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offspring and even for emotional
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protective factors such as the fact that
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and bipolar disorder for example if you
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are with a partner you're much less
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likely to actually trigger a bipolar
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episode so I think the answer is BSNL it
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kind of depends how you look at it there
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are people out there who are going to
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say of course absolutely it's just you
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know men being hardwired to cheat and
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first of all I would say it doesn't
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depend what sex you are because there's
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no reason for men to be spreading their
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genome around more than women and also
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it's not that simple
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we're just highly complex animals
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willpower does play a role and there are
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benefits to both cheating and not
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cheating biologically speaking so let's
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talk about the factors that are
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correlated to who cheats which is the
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bulk of the research in this field so a
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big one like I already mentioned is
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gender so men do cheat more than women
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but the gap is getting lower so in the
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other generations as we saw women
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actually cheat a little bit more by 1%
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but overall if we look at not basing it
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on age as well men are still
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overwhelmingly unfaithful women
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interestingly tend to get more
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emotionally involved in their affairs
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been men so 44% of men who cheat say
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that it's just about sex it's just about
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the physicality where is only 11 percent
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of women who cheat say the same women
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also tend you see emotional cheating as
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more problematic than men
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and another difference is that women
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tend to feel more guilt over cheating
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than men another individual factor
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that's correlated with cheating is H so
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men aged 55 to 65 are at the highest
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risk of cheating women aged 40 to 45 are
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at the highest risk of cheating it's
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kind of unclear whether this is a
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generational cohort issue or whether
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it's just about what stage of life
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you're at so interestingly studies found
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that 39 is the danger age so 39 is when
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the most infidelity happens out of all
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the ages and in fact not just working on
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but any age that ends and none because
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it's kind of like that person is going
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into a new stage of their life into a
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new era and they're kind of having an
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identity crisis about maybe not being
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prepared to go into that next stage
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maybe having what we would call a
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midlife crisis so that type of
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insecurity about the next stage in their
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life could lead to low self-esteem which
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some people do tend to turn to cheating
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to boost some personality traits are
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also correlated with cheating so
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narcissistic men are more likely to
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cheat less agreeable men and women tend
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to cheat and agreeableness is one of the
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big five traits so it's essentially how
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little deception and manipulation
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basically how likable you are and more
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conscientious partners are less likely
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to cheat and conscientiousness is also
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one of the big five it's essentially how
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responsible you are history of divorce
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is also an individual factor that
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predicts whether or not someone is going
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to cheat this could be because maybe
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they have a more cynical or a
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pessimistic view of relationships not
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working out so possibly there are some
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relational issues that are causing them
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to repeat the same cheating behavior and
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history of infidelity also is a
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predictor of future infidelity I mean we
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know this the past behavior is a good
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predictor of future behavior
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so those were the history of cheating
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are three times more likely to cheat in
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the future but don't take this to mean
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that if someone cheated in the past
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they're absolutely going to cheat in the
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future because not all cheating is the
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same sometimes it cheating can be
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because the person you're with is maybe
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emotionally or is
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abusive to you or blech ting you in some
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way or there's something seriously
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dysfunctional about the relationship is
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neither all the same as someone who's
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just a chronic cheater and just can't
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help themselves so now let's talk about
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some of the characteristics of the
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relationship that predict whether
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someone's going to cheat length of
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relationship is one so when I first
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heard this I thought oh well probably
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the longer you're with someone the
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stronger the relationship and the less
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the infidelity but actually the longer
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the relationship the higher the risk of
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infidelity and this kind of makes sense
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because the longer you're together the
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more time you have to cheat essentially
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and we see this particularly for men the
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longer the relationship the more they
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cheat
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whereas for women it's more of a curve
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so they're more likely to cheat in the
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intermediate stages of a relationship
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whereas relationships that are newer or
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older they cheat less another factor
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that predicts whether or not someone's
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going to cheat is I know you guys were
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wondering about this relationship
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satisfaction so this is kind of looking
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at infidelity from a deficit standpoint
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where it's kind of there's something
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missing and the relationship there's
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something wrong with the relationship
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that is causing someone to turn to
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infidelity and I don't mean for this to
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sound victim blaming whatsoever it's
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never at the partners fault if someone
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else chooses to do but research has
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shown that in about 25% of cases in
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infidelity it is related to that person
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not being happy in their relationship so
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relationship satisfaction is a powerful
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predictor of infidelity those who
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reported they were not too happy in
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their relationship were four times as
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likely to cheat and those who said they
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were pretty happy were twice as likely
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to cheat so we definitely see that as
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not just the very unhappy bearer at risk
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of this it really is more of a continuum
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where the more satisfied you are in your
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relationship the less of a chance you
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have of cheating there are a lot of
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possible reasons that I think that
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explain this so one is contempt or
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resentment towards your partner so of
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course if you're secretly angry at your
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partner you might want to unconsciously
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do things that hurt them or even
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consciously or you know
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to actively get back at them or revenge
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for some some way that they treated you
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or something that they're not listening
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to you about it's kind of like that
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mindset well he's always yelling at me
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so I want to hurt him another possible
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reason that I can think of is that if
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you're unhappy in a relationship you
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might know deep down that it's probably
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going to end or that maybe you don't
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want to keep this going and this is kind
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of your unconscious way of getting out
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of it or it could be that you know if
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you think you're gonna get caught you
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don't really care you don't mind because
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this isn't particularly a satisfying
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relationship that you want to stay in
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and of course it could be related to
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sexual dissatisfaction so you need to
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find that physical intimacy elsewhere
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because for some reason you're not
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getting what you need in your
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relationship so when people are asked
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why did you cheat these are the reasons
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they usually cite 77% of people say it's
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because they fell out of love
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seventy-four percent say that it's
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because they're seeking for a 70 percent
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say it's because they were feeling
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neglected in their relationship and this
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is definitely more of an issue for women
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than it is for men in 70 percent of
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cases it's also a matter of situational
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forces so you know drinking where your
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impulse control is inhibited or finding
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someone randomly and this does tend to
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be more of an issue for men than it is
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for women
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57% say that it's a way to raise their
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self-esteem and you know I would argue
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that it might be higher than that
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because people might not be is willing
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to admit to themselves that they achieve
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it because of low self-esteem and might
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be something quite unconscious 43
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percent say that it's because they were
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feeling angry with their partner so this
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is going back to the you know if
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infidelity as a form of payback or
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revenge and 32 percent said it was just
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because of sexual desire so for example
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not having their needs met in their
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relationship and I would assume that
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people were able to tick off multiple
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answers since obviously these these
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percentages do not add up to 100% and
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then I'm also going to talk about a
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particular study that looked at
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premarital indicators of layer and
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fidelity during the marriage so for men
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who ended up cheating the predictors of
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infidelity were lower sexual
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satisfaction lower male positive
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education and hired female and
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validation so this definitely makes it
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sound like it's more of an issue
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it was then invalidating their partner
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it was them not being able to
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communicate and it was them not being
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satisfied sexually for female infidelity
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the predictors of infidelity during
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marriage where lower levels of female
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positive communication higher levels of
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negative male and female communication
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and higher levels of male and female
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invalidation so interestingly for women
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it's usually yes they have less positive
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communication styles but also both the
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man and the woman in the relationship
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are invalidated and have a lot of
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negative communication styles now I'm
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going to move into the more contextual
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factors that are correlated with
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infidelity so the more socio-cultural
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situational ones so one of these is
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socioeconomic status so the more money
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you have the more and faithful you are
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and the cutoff for that was I believe
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thirty thousand which is a pretty low
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salary and this is related to the
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opportunity variable so if you're going
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on more work trips and maybe other
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people are attracted to you because
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you're wearing a nice suit you have more
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opportunity to cheat on your partner and
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it kind of makes sentence I mean people
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who are working 75 hours a week do not
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really have time to also have an affair
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on the side religiosity is also
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correlated to less infidelity so the
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more religious you are the less you
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cheat people who did not grow up in an
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intact family are slightly more likely
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to cheat so it's 18 percent versus 15
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percent of innocence ends because of
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course if you didn't see firsthand more
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positive communication style and
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romantic relationships then you might be
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less likely to emulate that in your own
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and opportunity so the opportunity
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variable again where if someone is
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quarantined with their partner for four
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months at a time they have few
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opportunities to interact with other
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people they have few opportunities to
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actually go cheat whereas people in jobs
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that are one-on-one
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more likely to cheat people who work
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around very attractive people are more
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likely to cheat particularly if they're
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attractive people of the opposite sex
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and people who live in urban cities are
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more likely to cheat than people who
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live in rural areas because again they
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have more opportunity so why do people
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choose not to cheat the most important
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factor is happiness in the relationship
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the second is not wanting to feel guilty
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and the third is fear of retaliation so
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fear that your partners I'm going to go
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cheat on you so if you really want to
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ensure that your partner is not cheating
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the best thing you can do for the
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relationship is to work on the
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relationship itself and make sure that
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it's happy and when both partners are
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getting their needs met so why do some
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people stay together after an infidelity
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because we see this all the time where
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people constantly ask their friend why
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why are you staying with them
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I mean after they cheated on you you
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said that you wouldn't you said that
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this was a deal breaker or I would never
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do this and interestingly the biggest
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predictor of whether or not someone is
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going to stay with a cheater is what
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their friends have to say about it so if
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the friends are saying well yeah but you
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know you have a family together your
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finances are tied up it's a good guy
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you're more likely to forgive the
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cheating
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whereas if your friends say oh
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absolutely not this is a deal breaker or
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you know you're so much better than this
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you're more likely to leave other
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factors are sharing finances sharing
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kids and sharing family connections so
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running in the same circles so what does
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this mean for your relationship how do
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you make sure they never get cheated on
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well you can't 100% you can't insure
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someone else's behavior with your own
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actions but you can kind of minimize the
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risk factors so that the chance of
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getting cheated on is at least small so
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avoid dating people who are low and
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agreeableness higher narcissism and low
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in conscientiousness so avoid people who
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are very entitled very arrogant have
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very high or very low
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esteem are not very nice people go for
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people who are a little more
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conscientious a little more responsible
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whether it be in studying or finances or
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how they treat other people avoid people
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who don't have solid morals and this is
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related to the religiosity factor where
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it's not about whether or not someone
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believes in God or whether or not
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someone goes to church it's about having
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a set of morals and having a strong
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grasp on right versus wrong because if
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someone doesn't they're more likely to
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slip up on their moral code so just make
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sure that you're going for people who
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know what is important to them know what
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they consider to be right know what they
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consider to be wrong holds themselves
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and other people accountable to a set of
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moral standards so if your partner is
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cheating in other circumstances or
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walking all over people or maybe it's a
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bad friend a liar or that might be a
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sign that they might not be the best
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partner to choose also avoid people who
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constantly put themselves in situations
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where they might find it hard to deal
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with temptation so avoid people who have
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that opportunity factor whether it be
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drinking a lot going to a lot of parties
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going to strip clubs etc also avoid
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people who have a history of cheating or
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divorce that they haven't worked through
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so here I'm not going to tell you avoid
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all people who are divorced or have
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cheated in the past because like I said
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there are a lot of different things that
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can cause these things it's not always
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their fault it's not always they're a
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terrible person because they slipped up
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what I'm saying is to talk to them about
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it and if they can't explain in mature
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ways what happened on like why their
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last marriage ended or why they cheated
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that's a red flag if they don't show
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remorse they don't seem to have
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particularly changed they don't know why
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something happened those are all red
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flags so then what's a green flag well
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if they own up to their actions if they
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have a clear understanding of what
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happened and if they have a plan in
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place to make sure this isn't going
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happen with you those are all great
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signs and really the best thing you can
00:16:44
do to make a relationship cheating proof
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is to work on having the healthiest
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happiest most satisfying relationship
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with that person this isn't going to a
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hundred percent ensure that you're not
00:16:56
going to get cheated on some things do
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depend on them too
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but you know talk openly with your
00:17:02
partner about what they need from you
00:17:03
emotionally sexually etc so for example
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ask them do you ever feel neglected in
00:17:08
our relationship or do you feel like
00:17:11
you're getting all of your needs met or
00:17:13
is there something that's missing and
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work on creating a relationship that's
00:17:16
characterized by positive communication
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and validation because we know that the
00:17:21
less healthy communication there is the
00:17:23
more unhealthy communication is and the
00:17:26
more invalidated partners feel then the
00:17:28
infidelity goes up and also I would
00:17:30
recommend that you have an open honest
00:17:32
conversation with your partner about
00:17:33
what each of you considered cheating in
00:17:36
the first place and create some
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boundaries where one person might think
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oh I think that emotional cheating is
00:17:42
cheating and one person might not think
00:17:44
that and you know trying to negotiate
00:17:46
where do we set the boundary and also I
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would say pay particular attention to
00:17:51
your relationship if your partner is
00:17:52
emerging on in a new decade of their
00:17:55
life if they interact with a lot of
00:17:57
attractive people or a lot of people at
00:17:58
the opposite sex if they have a lot of
00:18:00
opportunity to cheat such as going on
00:18:02
work trips if they're more well-off
00:18:04
financially if they seem to be falling
00:18:07
out of love with you if they seem to be
00:18:09
craving novelty and if they seem angry
00:18:11
or resentful towards you so all these
00:18:14
things are red flags that you should be
00:18:16
looking out for if you want to avoid
00:18:18
getting cheated on I hope this was
00:18:20
helpful let me know in the comments if
00:18:22
you want me to cover more topics on
00:18:24
infidelity I'm considering doing one on
00:18:26
emotional cheating as well so let me
00:18:29
know what questions you have about that
00:18:30
don't forget to hit like and subscribe
00:18:31
and I'll see you tomorrow
