00:00:00
Transcriber: Linda Anderson
Reviewer: Rebecca DeHovitz
00:00:04
So, I have a Facebook friend
whose life seems perfect.
00:00:09
She lives in a gorgeous house.
00:00:11
And she has a really rewarding career.
00:00:14
And she and her family go
00:00:15
on all these exciting adventures
together on the weekends.
00:00:19
And I swear that they must take
00:00:20
a professional photographer
along with them,
00:00:22
(Laughter)
00:00:24
because no matter where they go
or what they do,
00:00:26
the whole family just looks beautiful.
00:00:29
And she's always posting
about how blessed she is,
00:00:33
and how grateful she is
for the life that she has.
00:00:36
And I get the feeling
that she's not just saying those things
00:00:39
for the sake of Facebook,
but she truly means it.
00:00:43
How many of you have a friend
kind of like that?
00:00:48
And how many of you
00:00:50
kind of don't like that person sometimes?
00:00:53
(Laughter)
00:00:56
We all do this, right?
00:00:58
It's hard not to do.
00:01:00
But that way of thinking
costs us something.
00:01:04
And that's what I want to talk
to you about today--
00:01:06
is what our bad habits cost us.
00:01:10
Maybe you've scrolled through
your Facebook feed
00:01:13
and you think, "So what
if I roll my eyes?
00:01:15
It's just five seconds of my time.
00:01:18
How could it be hurting me?"
00:01:20
Well, researchers have found
00:01:22
that envying your friends on Facebook,
00:01:25
actually leads to depression.
00:01:28
That's just one of the traps
that our minds can set for us.
00:01:32
Have you ever complained about your boss?
00:01:35
Or looked at your friends'
lives and thought,
00:01:37
"Why do they have all the luck?"
00:01:40
You can't help thinking that way, right?
00:01:43
That way of thinking seems
small in the moment.
00:01:45
In fact, it might even make you feel
better in the moment.
00:01:49
But that way of thinking is
eating away at your mental strength.
00:01:55
There's three kinds of destructive beliefs
00:01:57
that make us less effective,
00:01:59
and rob us of our mental strength.
00:02:03
The first one is unhealthy
beliefs about ourselves.
00:02:07
We tend to feel sorry for ourselves.
00:02:10
And while it's OK to be sad
when something bad happens,
00:02:14
self-pity goes beyond that.
00:02:16
It's when you start
to magnify your misfortune.
00:02:19
When you think things like,
00:02:20
"Why do these things
always have to happen to me?"
00:02:23
"I shouldn't have to deal with it."
00:02:25
That way of thinking keeps you stuck,
00:02:27
keeps you focused on the problem,
00:02:29
keeps you from finding a solution.
00:02:33
And even when you can't create a solution,
00:02:35
you can always take steps to make
your life or somebody else's life better.
00:02:39
But you can't do that
00:02:40
when you're busy
hosting your own pity party.
00:02:45
The second type of destructive
belief that holds us back
00:02:48
is unhealthy beliefs about others.
00:02:52
We think that other people can control us,
00:02:54
and we give away our power.
00:02:57
But as adults who live in a free country,
00:03:00
there's very few things in life
that you have to do.
00:03:04
So when you say, "I have to work late,"
00:03:07
you give away your power.
00:03:09
Yeah, maybe there will be
consequences if you don't work late,
00:03:12
but it's still a choice.
00:03:15
Or when you say, "My
mother-in-law drives me crazy,"
00:03:19
you give away your power.
00:03:22
Maybe she's not the nicest
person on earth,
00:03:25
but it's up to you how you respond to her,
00:03:27
because you're in control.
00:03:31
The third type of unhealthy
belief that holds us back,
00:03:35
is unhealthy beliefs about the world.
00:03:38
We tend to think that the world
owes us something.
00:03:41
We think, "If I put in enough hard work,
00:03:44
then I deserve success."
00:03:47
But expecting success
to fall into your lap
00:03:49
like some sort of cosmic reward,
00:03:52
will only lead to disappointment.
00:03:56
But I know it's hard to give up
our bad mental habits.
00:03:59
It's hard to get rid of those
unhealthy beliefs
00:04:01
that we've carried around
with us for so long.
00:04:04
But you can't afford not to give them up.
00:04:07
Because sooner or later, you're
going to hit a time in your life
00:04:11
where you need all the mental
strength that you can muster.
00:04:16
When I was 23 years old,
00:04:19
I thought I had life all figured out.
00:04:23
I graduated from grad school.
00:04:25
I landed my first big job as a therapist.
00:04:28
I got married.
00:04:29
And I even bought a house.
00:04:31
And I thought,
"This is going to be great!"
00:04:33
"I've got this incredible
jump start on success."
00:04:36
What could go wrong?
00:04:39
That all changed for me one day
00:04:41
when I got a phone call from my sister.
00:04:44
She said that our mother
was found unresponsive
00:04:47
and she'd been taken to the hospital.
00:04:50
My husband Lincoln and I jumped
in the car and rushed to the hospital.
00:04:54
We couldn't imagine what could be wrong.
00:04:57
My mother was only 51.
00:04:59
She didn't have any history
of any kind of health problems.
00:05:04
When we got to the hospital,
00:05:05
doctors explained she'd had
a brain aneurysm.
00:05:10
And within 24 hours, my mother,
00:05:13
who used to wake up in the morning
saying, "It's a great day to be alive,"
00:05:17
passed away.
00:05:19
That news was devastating to me.
00:05:21
My mother and I had been very close.
00:05:23
As a therapist, I knew on an intellectual
level how to go through grief.
00:05:28
But knowing it, and doing it,
can be two very different things.
00:05:32
It took a long time before I felt
like I was really healing.
00:05:38
And then on the three year anniversary
of my mother's death,
00:05:42
some friends called,
00:05:44
and invited Lincoln and me
to a basketball game.
00:05:48
Coincidentally, it was being played
00:05:50
at the same auditorium
where I'd last seen my mother,
00:05:54
on the night before she'd passed away.
00:05:57
I hadn't been back there since.
00:05:59
I wasn't even sure I wanted to go back.
00:06:01
But Lincoln and I talked about it,
and ultimately we said,
00:06:05
"Maybe that would be a good way
to honor her memory."
00:06:08
So we went to the game.
00:06:10
And we actually had a really good
time with our friends.
00:06:13
On the drive home that night,
00:06:15
we talked about how great it was
00:06:16
to finally be able to go
back to that place,
00:06:19
and remember my mother with a smile,
00:06:21
rather than all those feelings of sadness.
00:06:25
But shortly after we got home that night,
Lincoln said he didn't feel well.
00:06:31
A few minutes later, he collapsed.
00:06:34
I had to call for an ambulance.
00:06:37
His family met me at the emergency room.
00:06:40
We waited for what seemed like forever,
00:06:43
until finally a doctor came out.
00:06:46
But rather than taking
us out back to see Lincoln,
00:06:49
he took us back to a private room,
00:06:53
and sat us down,
00:06:55
and explained to us that Lincoln,
00:06:57
who was the most adventurous
person I'd ever met,
00:06:59
was gone.
00:07:03
We didn't know at the time,
but he'd had a heart attack.
00:07:06
He was only 26.
00:07:08
He didn't have any history
of heart problems.
00:07:14
So now I found myself a 26-year-old widow,
00:07:17
and I didn't have my mom.
00:07:19
I thought, "How am I going
to get through this/"
00:07:22
And to describe that
as a painful period in my life
00:07:25
feels like an understatement.
00:07:27
And it was during that time
that I realized
00:07:29
when you're really going
through tough times,
00:07:31
good habits aren't enough.
00:07:34
It only takes one or two small habits
00:07:37
to really hold you back.
00:07:40
I worked as hard as I could,
00:07:41
not just to create good habits in my life,
00:07:44
but to get rid of those small habits,
00:07:46
no matter how small they might seem.
00:07:49
Throughout it all,
00:07:50
I held out hope that someday
life could get better.
00:07:54
And eventually it did.
00:07:57
A few years down the road, I met Steve.
00:07:59
And we fell in love.
00:08:01
And I got remarried.
00:08:03
We sold the house that
Lincoln and I had lived in,
00:08:05
and we bought a new house, in a new area,
00:08:09
and I got a new job.
00:08:12
But almost as quickly
as I breathed my sigh of relief
00:08:15
over that fresh start that I had,
00:08:17
we got the news that Steve's dad
had terminal cancer.
00:08:22
And I started to think,
00:08:24
"Why do these things always
have to keep happening?"
00:08:26
"Why do I have to keep losing
all my loved ones?"
00:08:29
"This isn't fair."
00:08:33
But if I'd learned anything,
00:08:34
it was that that way of thinking
would hold me back.
00:08:39
I knew I was going to need
00:08:41
as much mental strength as I could muster,
00:08:43
to get through one more loss.
00:08:46
So I sat down and I wrote a list
00:08:48
of all the things mentally
strong people don't do.
00:08:52
And I read over that list.
00:08:54
It was a reminder of all
of those bad habits
00:08:56
that I'd done at one time or another,
that would keep me stuck.
00:09:01
And I kept reading
that list over and over.
00:09:03
And I really needed it.
00:09:05
Because within a few weeks of writing it,
00:09:07
Steve's dad passed away.
00:09:12
My journey taught me that the secret
to being mentally strong,
00:09:17
was that you had to give up
your bad mental habits.
00:09:21
Mental strength is a lot
like physical strength.
00:09:24
If you wanted to be physically strong,
00:09:26
you'd need to go to the gym
and lift weights.
00:09:29
But if you really wanted to see results,
00:09:31
you'd also have to give up
eating junk food.
00:09:35
Mental strength is the same.
00:09:36
If you want to be mentally strong,
00:09:38
you need good habits
like practicing gratitude.
00:09:41
But you also have to give up bad habits,
00:09:43
like resenting somebody else's success.
00:09:47
No matter how often that happens,
00:09:49
it will hold you back.
00:09:53
So, how do you train
your brain to think differently?
00:09:57
How do you give up those bad mental habits
00:10:00
that you've carried around with you?
00:10:03
It starts by countering those
unhealthy beliefs that I talked about,
00:10:07
with healthier ones.
00:10:10
For example, unhealthy
beliefs about ourselves
00:10:13
mostly come about because we're
uncomfortable with our feelings.
00:10:17
Feeling sad, or hurt, or angry, or scared,
00:10:19
those things are all uncomfortable.
00:10:22
So we go to great lengths
to avoid that discomfort.
00:10:25
We try to escape it
00:10:28
by doing things like hosting a pity party.
00:10:31
And although that's
a temporary distraction,
00:10:34
it just prolongs the pain.
00:10:36
The only way to get through
uncomfortable emotions,
00:10:39
the only way to deal with them,
is you have to go through them.
00:10:42
To let yourself feel sad,
and then move on.
00:10:46
To gain confidence in your ability
00:10:47
to deal with that discomfort.
00:10:51
Unhealthy beliefs about others come about
00:10:54
because we compare
ourselves to other people.
00:10:57
We think that they're
either above us or below us.
00:11:00
Or we think that they can
control how we feel.
00:11:02
Or that we can control how they behave.
00:11:05
Or we blame them for holding us back.
00:11:07
But really, it's our own
choices that do that.
00:11:11
You have to accept
that you're your own person,
00:11:13
and other people are separate from you.
00:11:16
The only person you should
compare yourself to,
00:11:18
is the person that you were yesterday.
00:11:22
And unhealthy beliefs
about the world come about
00:11:25
because deep down,
we want the world to be fair.
00:11:29
We want to think that if we
put in enough good deeds,
00:11:32
enough good things will happen to us.
00:11:34
Or if we tough it out
through enough bad times,
00:11:37
we'll get some sort of reward.
00:11:40
But ultimately you have
to accept that life isn't fair.
00:11:44
And that can be liberating.
00:11:46
Yeah, it means you won't necessarily
be rewarded for your goodness,
00:11:50
but it also means no matter
how much you've suffered,
00:11:52
you're not doomed to keep suffering.
00:11:56
The world doesn't work that way.
00:11:59
Your world is what you make it.
00:12:02
But of course before you
can change your world,
00:12:05
you have to believe
that you can change it.
00:12:08
I once worked with this man
who had been diabetic for years.
00:12:13
His doctor referred him to therapy
00:12:15
because he had some bad mental habits
00:12:17
that were starting to affect
his physical health.
00:12:21
His mother had died from complications
of diabetes at a young age,
00:12:25
so he just believed he was doomed,
00:12:27
and he'd given up trying to manage
his blood sugar altogether.
00:12:31
In fact, his blood sugar
had gotten so high lately,
00:12:34
that it was starting to affect his vision.
00:12:37
And he had his driver's
license taken away.
00:12:40
And his world was shrinking.
00:12:44
When he came into my office, it was clear
00:12:46
he knew all the things
he could do to manage his blood sugar.
00:12:50
He just didn't think
it was worth the effort.
00:12:54
But eventually, he agreed
to make one small change.
00:12:58
He said, "I'll give up
my two liter-a-day Pepsi habit,
00:13:02
and I'll trade it in for Diet Pepsi."
00:13:05
And he couldn't believe how quickly
his numbers started to improve.
00:13:10
And even though he came every week
00:13:12
to remind me how horrible
Diet Pepsi tasted,
00:13:16
he stuck with it.
00:13:19
And once he started to see
a little bit of improvement,
00:13:22
he said, "Well, maybe I could
look at some of my other habits."
00:13:25
He said, "I could trade in
my nightly bowl of ice cream
00:13:28
for a snack with a little less sugar."
00:13:32
And then one day he was at a thrift
store with some friends,
00:13:35
and he found this beat-up
old exercise bike.
00:13:38
He bought it for a couple of bucks,
00:13:40
and he brought it home,
and he parked it in front of his TV.
00:13:44
And he started to pedal
00:13:45
while he'd watch some
of his favorite shows every night.
00:13:49
And not only did he lose weight,
00:13:51
but one day, he noticed
he could see the TV
00:13:55
just a little bit more clearly
than he had before.
00:13:59
And suddenly it occurred to him,
00:14:01
maybe the damage done
to his eyesight wasn't permanent.
00:14:06
So he set a new goal for himself--
00:14:08
to get his driver's license back.
00:14:11
And from that day forward, he was on fire.
00:14:14
By the end of our time together,
he was coming in every week
00:14:17
saying, "OK, what are we
going to do this week?"
00:14:21
Because he finally believed
that he could change his world.
00:14:24
And that he had the mental
strength to change it.
00:14:27
And that he could give up
his bad mental habits.
00:14:30
And it all started
with just one small step.
00:14:35
So I invite you to consider
00:14:37
what bad mental habits
are holding you back?
00:14:41
What unhealthy beliefs
00:14:43
are keeping you from being
as mentally strong as you could be?
00:14:47
And what is one small step
that you could take today?
00:14:51
Right here, right now.
00:14:54
Thank you.
00:14:55
(Applause)
