How To Be Kind To Someone With An Addiction Without Enabling

00:31:28
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkpiMIwvbI0

Resumo

TLDRThe video elaborates on the thin line between helping and enabling those struggling with addiction. It tackles concerns about showing kindness and positivity, addressing the fear of appearing to condone harmful behaviors. The speaker provides five reasons why empathy and kindness can be more effective than direct confrontation: they reduce defensiveness, create a safe environment, promote vulnerability, help individuals recognize their issues more readily, and foster a healthier relational dynamic. Viewer comments reinforce the complexity of managing relationships with those in recovery, emphasizing the importance of boundaries and communication in supporting recovery.

Conclusões

  • 💖 Kindness fosters vulnerability in loved ones.
  • 🛑 Enabling often stems from negative interactions.
  • 🤝 Empathy can help others recognize their issues.
  • 🧠 Emotional safety promotes better decision-making.
  • 🌱 Support systems encourage personal growth.

Linha do tempo

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The video discusses the difference between helping and enabling someone struggling with addiction, sparked by a question from a Facebook group about positive reinforcement and its potential implications for addiction.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    The speaker emphasizes that kindness and empathy can help individuals recognize their addiction more effectively than confronting them directly, which often leads to defensiveness.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    The video explains that when family members show kindness, it reduces emotional defenses in the person with the addiction, allowing for better self-reflection and understanding of their issues.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    The discussion includes psychological perspectives, noting that a safe environment fosters vulnerability, which can promote honest acknowledgment of addiction problems.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:25:00

    It’s highlighted that providing emotional support encourages individuals to take courageous steps towards recovery, contrasting it with the negative impacts of nagging or threats, which reinforce bad behavior.

  • 00:25:00 - 00:31:28

    Final thoughts focus on the importance of kindness for both the person with addiction and the family member, noting that maintaining empathy is crucial even when challenging, as it supports healthier relationships and individual wellbeing.

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Vídeo de perguntas e respostas

  • What is the difference between helping and enabling?

    Helping involves providing support without enabling negative behaviors, while enabling may inadvertently support continued destructive actions.

  • How can I support a loved one struggling with addiction?

    Show empathy and kindness, encourage open communication, and create a safe space for vulnerability.

  • What should I do if my loved one reacts defensively to my support?

    Remain calm and maintain your boundaries while expressing your support, understanding that their defensiveness often stems from their struggles.

  • Is it possible to be kind and firm with boundaries?

    Yes, you can be compassionate while clearly setting and enforcing necessary boundaries.

  • What strategies can I use to avoid enabling behavior?

    Focus on positive reinforcement and avoid nagging or confrontation that can lead to defensiveness.

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Rolagem automática:
  • 00:00:03
    helping versus enabling you know the
  • 00:00:06
    other day we had a comment in our family
  • 00:00:09
    facebook group uh it's kind of comments
  • 00:00:12
    last question um where one of our um
  • 00:00:16
    listeners or group members
  • 00:00:18
    said made this comment we they were
  • 00:00:20
    talking i can't remember i think it was
  • 00:00:22
    on a video i did probably one of the
  • 00:00:24
    live videos and the comments said
  • 00:00:27
    if i'm
  • 00:00:28
    really nice to my husband if i'm
  • 00:00:32
    positively reinforcing him won't that
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    give him the impression that i'm okay
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    with his drinking and i thought you know
  • 00:00:38
    what that's actually a really good
  • 00:00:40
    question and i bet a lot of people are
  • 00:00:43
    wondering that because i could
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    definitely
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    follow that line of thinking for sure
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    because you don't want to inadvertently
  • 00:00:50
    make it seem like you're okay with
  • 00:00:52
    something
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    and so
  • 00:00:54
    that is what inspired this video so in
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    this video we're going to talk about
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    where is the line between
  • 00:01:00
    helping
  • 00:01:01
    supporting having empathy
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    for someone struggling with an addiction
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    and enabling and hopefully we're going
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    to shed a little light on this for you
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    so you can kind of figure out
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    which which kinds of things are helping
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    and which kinds of things are enabling
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    in fact i'm going to give you
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    five
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    reasons why
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    being kind to someone
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    showing empathy even given some positive
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    reinforcement
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    actually
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    helps them to figure out that they have
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    an addiction problem
  • 00:01:32
    way
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    faster
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    than when you try to do it in a more
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    direct way
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    you see most of the time we get so
  • 00:01:41
    frustrated deal with someone who has an
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    addiction because it's like
  • 00:01:44
    so clearly like right there
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    and it's just mind-blowing because the
  • 00:01:50
    person
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    with the addiction they can't see it and
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    it's just like wow really why can't you
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    see it so we get impatient and we get
  • 00:01:57
    frustrated we try to
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    make them see it and we try to give them
  • 00:02:01
    evidence and it's kind of like we're
  • 00:02:03
    trying to force it faster and the more
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    we do that the
  • 00:02:08
    longer it takes them to get out of
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    denial because when you come someone
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    directly like that even if you're not
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    coming at the mean but you're coming at
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    them you know it's been like dude this
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    is a problem you know you're pointing it
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    out
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    immediately what happens is their walls
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    and their defenses go up and instead of
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    hearing or really listening considering
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    what you're saying they actually it's
  • 00:02:28
    almost like a reflex even if they don't
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    mean to they're gonna be defensive in
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    their head and they're immediately gonna
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    be somewhat oppositional now some people
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    will say that to you out loud
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    other people won't but either way
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    they're doing it in their head even if
  • 00:02:41
    they're not saying it out loud they're
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    thinking about how you're wrong and how
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    you don't know me
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    and
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    that's actually
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    problematic because when we do that
  • 00:02:50
    we're actually slowing down
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    what would happen more naturally if we
  • 00:02:55
    just let it
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    you know i've noticed like
  • 00:02:59
    over the past couple years i've noticed
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    that
  • 00:03:01
    when i have clients who
  • 00:03:04
    live alone for whatever reason like
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    maybe they just weren't living in family
  • 00:03:08
    maybe they were away at college or
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    they just live by themselves it's really
  • 00:03:12
    interesting because those people
  • 00:03:14
    eventually will bring themselves in
  • 00:03:15
    they'll call up they'll say i have a
  • 00:03:17
    problem and it's like they get it and
  • 00:03:19
    they get it on a much deeper level than
  • 00:03:22
    the people with the family do and i
  • 00:03:24
    think the reason why that is is because
  • 00:03:26
    when you have family you get so
  • 00:03:29
    tangled up
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    and trying to
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    defend yourself trying to prove them
  • 00:03:36
    wrong and then it becomes this power
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    struggle and before you know it it's
  • 00:03:40
    years and years of power struggling
  • 00:03:41
    which is just
  • 00:03:43
    getting in the way of the natural
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    process of
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    figuring out that you have a soft
  • 00:03:48
    species problem and then figuring out
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    what you need to do about it
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    so
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    even though it would seem like on a
  • 00:03:55
    logical level if you're too kind too
  • 00:03:57
    nice too positively reinforcing that
  • 00:03:59
    that's actually enabling and that you
  • 00:04:00
    could send the impression that
  • 00:04:03
    you
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    um
  • 00:04:05
    agree with their substance use
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    it actually does quite the opposite
  • 00:04:10
    and you don't have to tell someone that
  • 00:04:12
    you agree or they you don't have to tell
  • 00:04:14
    someone like oh i don't think that's a
  • 00:04:16
    problem oh you're fine like those people
  • 00:04:18
    are crazy you don't have a problem i'm
  • 00:04:19
    not talking about that i'm just talking
  • 00:04:21
    about
  • 00:04:22
    responding in kindness to someone being
  • 00:04:26
    pleasant with someone it actually makes
  • 00:04:29
    them see their own truth faster
  • 00:04:32
    it's kind of like
  • 00:04:34
    if you're in a big
  • 00:04:35
    fight or argument with someone and you
  • 00:04:37
    finally just like okay that's it and
  • 00:04:39
    then you apologize
  • 00:04:40
    what happens usually once you apologize
  • 00:04:43
    you put your weapons down what do they
  • 00:04:44
    do
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    they're usually like well you know what
  • 00:04:46
    i shouldn't say that either and i was
  • 00:04:48
    kind of in the wrong too and actually it
  • 00:04:50
    was kind of my fault it's like they put
  • 00:04:51
    their weapons down too so that's the way
  • 00:04:53
    i want you to think about it once you
  • 00:04:54
    think about like okay we're putting our
  • 00:04:56
    weapons down
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    and you're probably gonna have to put
  • 00:05:00
    your weapons down first as the family
  • 00:05:01
    member to get your addicted loved one to
  • 00:05:04
    put their weapons down because they're
  • 00:05:07
    running out of
  • 00:05:08
    fear shame guilt
  • 00:05:12
    they don't feel good physically so they
  • 00:05:13
    got a lot of things going on and they
  • 00:05:16
    feel very backed into a corner all the
  • 00:05:18
    time and it's really hard to get them to
  • 00:05:20
    put their weapons down so let's talk
  • 00:05:22
    about
  • 00:05:24
    on sort of a psychological level and
  • 00:05:26
    even on like a biological level
  • 00:05:29
    why responding to someone with empathy
  • 00:05:31
    and kindness works
  • 00:05:32
    i mean if you think about it most people
  • 00:05:34
    that have addicted a loved one
  • 00:05:36
    they stay on their case forever and ever
  • 00:05:37
    trying to get them to go to the council
  • 00:05:38
    i guess what the counselor does
  • 00:05:41
    responds with kindness and empathy and
  • 00:05:44
    that doesn't mean that the counselor is
  • 00:05:46
    saying you don't have a problem or you
  • 00:05:48
    know like your families are reacting
  • 00:05:50
    that's not what i mean i just mean like
  • 00:05:52
    when you do that when you show
  • 00:05:55
    empathy towards someone
  • 00:05:57
    it actually
  • 00:06:00
    cools down
  • 00:06:01
    the emotional part of their brain
  • 00:06:03
    which
  • 00:06:05
    on a physiological level allows the
  • 00:06:07
    thinking the front part of the brain to
  • 00:06:09
    activate and to think through
  • 00:06:11
    what is going on and to be able to learn
  • 00:06:14
    from their mistakes and to make better
  • 00:06:16
    decisions and to have good judgment you
  • 00:06:18
    know this part right here this is where
  • 00:06:19
    your judgment comes from that's where
  • 00:06:21
    your ability to weigh pros and cons and
  • 00:06:23
    and learn from your stakes all of that
  • 00:06:25
    comes from your frontal lobe and when
  • 00:06:27
    someone feels under attack
  • 00:06:29
    their emotional center of the brain the
  • 00:06:32
    volume is turned up on that so high
  • 00:06:34
    when that volume is turned up the
  • 00:06:35
    thinking volume is turned down and
  • 00:06:38
    in fact
  • 00:06:40
    understanding that isn't just to apply
  • 00:06:43
    to dealing with someone who has an
  • 00:06:44
    addiction that's literally to apply to
  • 00:06:46
    anyone who you want to really
  • 00:06:49
    think about what you're saying whether
  • 00:06:50
    it's
  • 00:06:51
    in a work situation whether it's your
  • 00:06:53
    kid has done something you want to talk
  • 00:06:54
    to them about it if you come at someone
  • 00:06:56
    straight on you're literally going to
  • 00:06:59
    accidentally hit that trip wire where
  • 00:07:00
    all their defenses
  • 00:07:02
    come up which
  • 00:07:04
    physiologically disallows them to think
  • 00:07:07
    about what you're saying so you
  • 00:07:09
    definitely don't want to do that if you
  • 00:07:10
    can at all
  • 00:07:12
    help it
  • 00:07:13
    the second reason why responding with
  • 00:07:17
    kindness and empathy is so much more
  • 00:07:19
    effective is because
  • 00:07:20
    they don't get the other person doesn't
  • 00:07:22
    get as bogged down and distracted
  • 00:07:26
    by being mad at you because literally
  • 00:07:28
    not only during the conversation are
  • 00:07:30
    they feeling defensive in their head but
  • 00:07:32
    for like five days or three months
  • 00:07:34
    afterward they're replaying it in their
  • 00:07:36
    head and they're just so dang distracted
  • 00:07:39
    by
  • 00:07:40
    how you weren't right you're wrong about
  • 00:07:42
    this you don't know me and that's what
  • 00:07:43
    they're thinking over and over and over
  • 00:07:45
    and as long as they're thinking that
  • 00:07:47
    they're not thinking about
  • 00:07:49
    what we want them to be thinking about
  • 00:07:50
    which is like the
  • 00:07:52
    situation that's causing all the trouble
  • 00:07:54
    they get preoccupied and focused on
  • 00:07:56
    their resentment towards you now
  • 00:08:00
    like i said not everyone will show that
  • 00:08:01
    to you on the outside so you might feel
  • 00:08:03
    like well i don't think my loved one
  • 00:08:04
    does that
  • 00:08:05
    your loved one does that like if you
  • 00:08:07
    have an addictive loved one and you're
  • 00:08:08
    trying to make them stop and see it and
  • 00:08:10
    and they're not wanting to and they're
  • 00:08:12
    continuing it i guarantee
  • 00:08:14
    there's no way around that that's just
  • 00:08:15
    going to be the natural response even if
  • 00:08:17
    you don't want to be that way you almost
  • 00:08:18
    like
  • 00:08:19
    reflexively
  • 00:08:21
    it's almost like we have that built-in
  • 00:08:23
    oppositionalness when we feel defensive
  • 00:08:25
    and so
  • 00:08:26
    that is definitely going on we don't
  • 00:08:28
    want to distract them
  • 00:08:30
    by putting ourselves on a bad guy roll
  • 00:08:32
    you guys that watch this channel you all
  • 00:08:33
    know how i feel about that don't get
  • 00:08:35
    yourself in the bad guy roll don't when
  • 00:08:37
    you feel them sucking you into that
  • 00:08:39
    argument or something you need to think
  • 00:08:40
    to yourself uh-uh not me
  • 00:08:43
    you're not making me be the bad guy here
  • 00:08:45
    because you're gonna deal with what you
  • 00:08:47
    did and as long as you're the bad guy
  • 00:08:49
    they won't deal they won't see they
  • 00:08:50
    won't
  • 00:08:51
    feel the natural consequences of their
  • 00:08:53
    own choice because they'll be focusing
  • 00:08:55
    on your choice
  • 00:08:57
    the third reason
  • 00:09:00
    why responding with kindness and empathy
  • 00:09:02
    is just
  • 00:09:03
    a hundred times more effective
  • 00:09:05
    is because
  • 00:09:07
    when you
  • 00:09:08
    do that you help someone feel
  • 00:09:11
    much safer around you in general
  • 00:09:14
    and when people feel safer around you
  • 00:09:17
    they're a lot more likely to be
  • 00:09:19
    vulnerable
  • 00:09:21
    and i saw this
  • 00:09:22
    a few times in sessions
  • 00:09:25
    that we had in our office this week
  • 00:09:28
    most of you know that
  • 00:09:30
    we work with whole families and
  • 00:09:31
    typically we give the person with the
  • 00:09:33
    addiction uh like their own coach
  • 00:09:36
    counselor consultant whatever you want
  • 00:09:37
    to call it and we give the family member
  • 00:09:38
    their own person we like to call it
  • 00:09:40
    lawyering but occasionally all four the
  • 00:09:44
    two counselors and the two people or
  • 00:09:45
    whatever will meet in the same room to
  • 00:09:47
    sort of hash something out or talk
  • 00:09:48
    through something and and a lot of you
  • 00:09:51
    know that i'm usually the one that sees
  • 00:09:52
    the person has addiction problem i
  • 00:09:54
    always say i'm always the defense
  • 00:09:55
    attorney
  • 00:09:56
    so i'm usually going in there it feels
  • 00:09:58
    like going to court with your client
  • 00:10:00
    who's in trouble that's what it feels
  • 00:10:01
    like to me when you go into those those
  • 00:10:02
    sessions and um
  • 00:10:05
    i'll know that over the course of the
  • 00:10:08
    weeks i've been talking with that person
  • 00:10:09
    one-on-one they'll have been
  • 00:10:12
    they may not be telling me oh my gosh
  • 00:10:14
    i'm like a full-blown addict now you
  • 00:10:16
    know i gotta go to treatment but they're
  • 00:10:17
    usually telling me stuff like you know
  • 00:10:19
    what i shouldn't have said that and i
  • 00:10:22
    really have been drinking too much i
  • 00:10:23
    need to cut it back because really it
  • 00:10:25
    you know makes me feel bad so they're
  • 00:10:26
    actually giving me
  • 00:10:28
    a lot of
  • 00:10:30
    i mean the clinical word for it is
  • 00:10:31
    change talk but basically it's like
  • 00:10:33
    they're being vulnerable and they're
  • 00:10:35
    opening up and they're letting me know
  • 00:10:36
    that they do see it at least on some
  • 00:10:38
    level but what's funny is what i saw
  • 00:10:40
    happen this week in sessions is when i
  • 00:10:43
    got that same client who i know done
  • 00:10:45
    told me all that stuff like
  • 00:10:48
    sincerely tearfully like really meant it
  • 00:10:51
    got them in session and immediately
  • 00:10:53
    because the family members in there
  • 00:10:54
    they're like i don't have problems it's
  • 00:10:56
    you you know they're just like in there
  • 00:10:57
    starting to find i'm like wow look at
  • 00:10:59
    this like
  • 00:11:01
    i know you know you shouldn't done that
  • 00:11:02
    you told me yesterday that but when they
  • 00:11:04
    get in there in front of that family
  • 00:11:06
    member they're just acting all
  • 00:11:08
    big and tough i call it the big talk you
  • 00:11:10
    know they're giving the big talk and
  • 00:11:11
    they just refuse to show any
  • 00:11:14
    vulnerability so sometimes you can be
  • 00:11:16
    looking at your addicted loved one and
  • 00:11:17
    you may think they don't get it at all
  • 00:11:20
    most of the time
  • 00:11:22
    they get it on a little bit they may not
  • 00:11:25
    get it like really like to the full
  • 00:11:27
    extent
  • 00:11:28
    but they do kind of know that it's
  • 00:11:30
    problematic but a lot of times they just
  • 00:11:32
    won't show it to you
  • 00:11:34
    because they don't feel safe enough they
  • 00:11:36
    don't want to get a big lecture they
  • 00:11:38
    don't want to get it back i told you so
  • 00:11:39
    they don't want to be forced into
  • 00:11:41
    going to treatment or giving it up when
  • 00:11:43
    they're not ready to so they won't let
  • 00:11:45
    you know that they know and they'll stay
  • 00:11:47
    in that big talk kind of defensive lane
  • 00:11:51
    i'm telling you i watched it happen in
  • 00:11:52
    session this week i'm like what in the
  • 00:11:54
    world
  • 00:11:54
    they don't know you know better than
  • 00:11:56
    that but
  • 00:11:57
    get them in there but at least it lets
  • 00:11:58
    me know okay this is what's this is
  • 00:12:00
    where the communication gaps going
  • 00:12:02
    around here right like they're not they
  • 00:12:03
    won't show any vulnerability
  • 00:12:05
    whatsoever to that family member just
  • 00:12:07
    because they're just locked into that
  • 00:12:08
    power struggle
  • 00:12:10
    the other reason why
  • 00:12:12
    empathy and kindness works is because
  • 00:12:15
    when someone feels like they have a lot
  • 00:12:16
    of support
  • 00:12:19
    and they have like that safety net
  • 00:12:21
    they're actually a lot more likely to
  • 00:12:24
    take big courageous difficult steps
  • 00:12:27
    you know it's like when you know
  • 00:12:28
    someone's got your back when you know
  • 00:12:30
    someone you know is there for you and
  • 00:12:32
    you've got you've got people you're just
  • 00:12:34
    a lot more likely to go out and try new
  • 00:12:36
    things and and
  • 00:12:38
    try harder to overcome the problem just
  • 00:12:40
    because you feel stronger when you know
  • 00:12:43
    you have that support system around you
  • 00:12:44
    when you feel like you're the only one
  • 00:12:46
    out there and you're backed into a
  • 00:12:47
    corner and you're lonely and you're
  • 00:12:49
    defensive and you're angry you're you're
  • 00:12:52
    just going to cling on to whatever
  • 00:12:54
    safety that you have and usually when
  • 00:12:56
    you're dealing with addiction that
  • 00:12:58
    safety comes from the addiction and they
  • 00:13:00
    literally don't feel like they have
  • 00:13:01
    anything else so they won't
  • 00:13:02
    let go of that they're just hanging on
  • 00:13:04
    to it like a security blanket even when
  • 00:13:05
    they want to
  • 00:13:07
    they they're they're too scared to and
  • 00:13:09
    they don't you know
  • 00:13:11
    even if you're in a really bad situation
  • 00:13:13
    you've probably been in a long time and
  • 00:13:15
    you're used to it and so you you know
  • 00:13:17
    that and it's predictable
  • 00:13:19
    and that seems less scary than going out
  • 00:13:21
    there and making another
  • 00:13:23
    big choice but when people feel
  • 00:13:24
    supported and backed up
  • 00:13:27
    they're likely to be able to do that and
  • 00:13:29
    i don't just mean with addictions i just
  • 00:13:30
    mean in life in in general you know kids
  • 00:13:33
    that feel like they have parents at home
  • 00:13:35
    that are supportive and they have their
  • 00:13:36
    back and they have like a solid home
  • 00:13:38
    base are more likely to go out into the
  • 00:13:40
    world
  • 00:13:41
    and try new things and travel and
  • 00:13:43
    explore and and do big things because
  • 00:13:46
    it's like i know no matter what i got my
  • 00:13:47
    home base now
  • 00:13:49
    but some of you might thinking well
  • 00:13:51
    they can't be coming back to my house if
  • 00:13:53
    they're using i understand that
  • 00:13:55
    and and i understand also if that has to
  • 00:13:57
    be a boundary for a family i get why
  • 00:13:59
    that happens sometimes but even then you
  • 00:14:01
    can still be that emotional
  • 00:14:04
    support home base for people i'm telling
  • 00:14:06
    people just
  • 00:14:07
    function better you'll see the better
  • 00:14:09
    qualities in people when they feel safe
  • 00:14:11
    and they feel like they have that
  • 00:14:14
    now
  • 00:14:15
    lastly and this one's for you as the
  • 00:14:17
    family member
  • 00:14:20
    the reason why
  • 00:14:22
    responding in kindness and empathy
  • 00:14:24
    is so much better is because
  • 00:14:27
    when you
  • 00:14:28
    engage in all those other behaviors like
  • 00:14:31
    nagging complaining yeah link
  • 00:14:33
    threatening and all that stuff
  • 00:14:34
    you're actually enabling
  • 00:14:37
    in fact some of you may have heard me
  • 00:14:38
    say this before i feel like that kind of
  • 00:14:40
    behavior is more enabling than like
  • 00:14:42
    giving them money and stuff i know
  • 00:14:44
    everyone thinks like giving people money
  • 00:14:45
    like that's the ultimate enabling thing
  • 00:14:47
    to do i mean i guess it is kind of
  • 00:14:48
    enabling but
  • 00:14:50
    you give someone 20 bucks at 20 bucks is
  • 00:14:51
    gone in five minutes because they don't
  • 00:14:52
    spend it on drugs or whatever
  • 00:14:55
    if you yell at someone and treat them
  • 00:14:57
    crappy
  • 00:14:58
    they'll literally use that emotional
  • 00:15:01
    fuel and leverage to justify their bad
  • 00:15:03
    behavior for the next six months
  • 00:15:05
    remember you say that to me so it's
  • 00:15:07
    almost like you're giving them the
  • 00:15:08
    currency the emotional currency that
  • 00:15:10
    they need to continue to use so
  • 00:15:13
    so when you
  • 00:15:14
    enable
  • 00:15:16
    by way of being the bad guy
  • 00:15:18
    you
  • 00:15:19
    give them what they need to make that
  • 00:15:22
    next bad choice which i'm telling you is
  • 00:15:24
    more problematic than the money now i'm
  • 00:15:25
    not saying give them a bunch of money
  • 00:15:27
    i'm not saying that i'm just saying like
  • 00:15:28
    there are other ways to enable and you
  • 00:15:30
    may be like oh i don't enable don't give
  • 00:15:32
    him anything but if you're playing that
  • 00:15:33
    bad guy role you're enabling
  • 00:15:36
    now
  • 00:15:38
    also
  • 00:15:40
    when you're responding kindness and
  • 00:15:41
    empathy for yourself this is one for you
  • 00:15:43
    you like yourself better
  • 00:15:45
    right because you you know deep down in
  • 00:15:47
    your heart that that's the kind of
  • 00:15:48
    person you want to be and you know you
  • 00:15:51
    feel like no matter what they did that
  • 00:15:52
    you've made the right decision and you
  • 00:15:54
    can feel proud and you've kept your side
  • 00:15:56
    of the street clean
  • 00:15:57
    so
  • 00:15:58
    you feel better about you
  • 00:16:01
    and
  • 00:16:02
    when you feel better about you you have
  • 00:16:04
    more self-confidence and when you have
  • 00:16:06
    more self-confidence you act better it's
  • 00:16:09
    like it's like domino's in the right
  • 00:16:11
    direction right you feel more secure you
  • 00:16:13
    feel more confident they respond to you
  • 00:16:15
    in a better way which then feeds the
  • 00:16:17
    positive
  • 00:16:19
    you know like feedback loop so
  • 00:16:23
    for them and for you
  • 00:16:26
    when possible responding with kindness
  • 00:16:29
    and empathy is the better response now i
  • 00:16:32
    totally get that when you're dealing
  • 00:16:34
    with an addiction problem
  • 00:16:36
    sometimes
  • 00:16:37
    they
  • 00:16:39
    are going to start a fight and poke at
  • 00:16:42
    you like a beast until you lose it and
  • 00:16:45
    they're just not going to let you
  • 00:16:47
    be kind i i saw that in a session this
  • 00:16:50
    week i'm like what is that now my person
  • 00:16:52
    is like starting to find like what are
  • 00:16:54
    you what are you doing over there like
  • 00:16:55
    why why are you doing that just like
  • 00:16:57
    poking and poking purposely trying to
  • 00:16:59
    start something
  • 00:17:01
    so i get that it is not always possible
  • 00:17:04
    but when it is possible and when it is a
  • 00:17:06
    choice that you have on how to respond
  • 00:17:08
    to a situation
  • 00:17:09
    kindness support empathy it's just much
  • 00:17:12
    more effective i know it feels like
  • 00:17:14
    you're doing nothing i know it feels
  • 00:17:16
    like maybe you're like positively
  • 00:17:18
    reinforcing bad behavior but all you're
  • 00:17:20
    doing is
  • 00:17:22
    allowing yourself to get out of the way
  • 00:17:24
    so they can see it because i'm telling
  • 00:17:25
    you when you do that people will see it
  • 00:17:28
    and most of the time they already know
  • 00:17:30
    it on some level even if they're not
  • 00:17:31
    telling it to you the reason i know
  • 00:17:32
    that's because they come in my office
  • 00:17:34
    and they tell me and so i know that they
  • 00:17:35
    know
  • 00:17:36
    you know they may not
  • 00:17:37
    label themselves as an addict or i'll
  • 00:17:39
    call it but they probably think i'm
  • 00:17:40
    using too much or let that get out of
  • 00:17:42
    control or i need to stop doing that or
  • 00:17:44
    this isn't good for me they know it
  • 00:17:45
    already
  • 00:17:46
    so
  • 00:17:47
    you just if you'll just let the natural
  • 00:17:49
    process happen
  • 00:17:51
    usually in most situations
  • 00:17:55
    letting the natural process happen gets
  • 00:17:57
    you there faster occasionally you have
  • 00:17:58
    to take some other steps but as a
  • 00:18:00
    general i think that is the best way to
  • 00:18:03
    go
  • 00:18:05
    now let's see who's here all of you who
  • 00:18:06
    are joining me live i'm so glad that
  • 00:18:09
    you're here if you're watching this on
  • 00:18:10
    the replay i'm glad that you're here as
  • 00:18:12
    well so definitely jump in there and
  • 00:18:15
    join this conversation let's see what
  • 00:18:17
    you guys have to say
  • 00:18:19
    i want to hear your experience with this
  • 00:18:21
    topic because i know you have some
  • 00:18:24
    hey shelly martha
  • 00:18:26
    buddy buddy says you can show kindness
  • 00:18:29
    by being brutally honest and set and
  • 00:18:32
    stick to boundaries
  • 00:18:34
    it's
  • 00:18:35
    or it's just silliness
  • 00:18:38
    um i think when you say buddy when you
  • 00:18:40
    say brutally honest i think the word
  • 00:18:43
    brutally when you put it on there
  • 00:18:45
    sort of
  • 00:18:48
    circumvents or overrides the word
  • 00:18:49
    kindness can't be brutal and be
  • 00:18:52
    condescending you can be honest and be
  • 00:18:55
    kind at the same time
  • 00:18:57
    but brutally honest and kind and
  • 00:19:00
    doesn't always mix so well together
  • 00:19:06
    um
  • 00:19:07
    hey shelly
  • 00:19:09
    hey meg
  • 00:19:13
    let's see
  • 00:19:14
    jacqueline says i have constantly shown
  • 00:19:16
    empathy even with his couple of relapses
  • 00:19:19
    i haven't said anything different
  • 00:19:21
    than i know that you're that you go that
  • 00:19:24
    your go-to coping skills can be really
  • 00:19:26
    hard
  • 00:19:27
    have you gotten how does he
  • 00:19:29
    how does your
  • 00:19:31
    loved one respond back to you uh am i
  • 00:19:34
    saying your name right jaquina
  • 00:19:36
    let me know how that works does it work
  • 00:19:38
    better does it work worse what's the
  • 00:19:40
    what's the outcome of that
  • 00:19:43
    [Music]
  • 00:19:46
    oh here we go here's some more on that
  • 00:19:49
    but he will project his anger onto me so
  • 00:19:50
    trying to get him to understand that i'm
  • 00:19:52
    here for him through his journey but
  • 00:19:54
    doesn't
  • 00:19:56
    but doesn't mean
  • 00:19:58
    he can use
  • 00:20:00
    me doesn't mean he can use me as a
  • 00:20:02
    punching bag i see what you're saying
  • 00:20:03
    that's exactly right and like i said
  • 00:20:05
    sometimes you deal with someone with
  • 00:20:06
    addiction problem they just they'll
  • 00:20:07
    either project onto you like what you're
  • 00:20:09
    saying or they'll just start a fight
  • 00:20:11
    because they actually do feel really
  • 00:20:13
    guilty inside if they start a fight with
  • 00:20:15
    you then they can be mad at you which is
  • 00:20:17
    easier than feeling guilty so i said you
  • 00:20:21
    it's usually
  • 00:20:22
    it well it's pretty much always the best
  • 00:20:24
    response to become but
  • 00:20:26
    but don't
  • 00:20:27
    think that
  • 00:20:28
    um
  • 00:20:30
    your loved one if they're addicted will
  • 00:20:31
    always respond in kindness back
  • 00:20:35
    let's see here
  • 00:20:37
    robin says makes perfect sense but
  • 00:20:39
    difficult to do in the moment
  • 00:20:42
    a hundred percent sometimes it's easier
  • 00:20:44
    than others based on how much they're
  • 00:20:47
    trying to hit your buttons or not trying
  • 00:20:49
    to hit your buttons hey hondo
  • 00:20:52
    um
  • 00:20:53
    ebony says i feel like when i was
  • 00:20:55
    showing compassion he was taking
  • 00:20:57
    advantage he started using more so i put
  • 00:21:00
    him out now he claims he needs a home
  • 00:21:02
    and he's struggling he's struggling
  • 00:21:05
    here what in the world
  • 00:21:07
    okay
  • 00:21:09
    that's a actually i'm glad you said that
  • 00:21:10
    ebony because that
  • 00:21:12
    that happens sometimes especially
  • 00:21:15
    for the people that are in our invisible
  • 00:21:17
    intervention inside of that online
  • 00:21:19
    course we we teach families how to
  • 00:21:23
    intervene with an addicted loved one and
  • 00:21:24
    we use the craft method for that and it
  • 00:21:27
    focuses on positive reinforcement
  • 00:21:28
    relationship building a lot of the stuff
  • 00:21:29
    that we're talking about here
  • 00:21:31
    and
  • 00:21:32
    when people first start doing that
  • 00:21:35
    they get frustrated because they think
  • 00:21:36
    well it's not making the using better in
  • 00:21:38
    fact the using has gotten worse
  • 00:21:40
    but
  • 00:21:41
    what i want you to know ebony is
  • 00:21:42
    actually that's what that's that's okay
  • 00:21:45
    that means you're on track because the
  • 00:21:46
    being
  • 00:21:48
    kind
  • 00:21:49
    doesn't make them not use the being kind
  • 00:21:53
    allows them to see the problem so if
  • 00:21:56
    you're being kind and the problem
  • 00:21:58
    escalates a little bit
  • 00:21:59
    that's actually a really good
  • 00:22:01
    combination for getting someone out of
  • 00:22:03
    denial now i'm not telling you that
  • 00:22:05
    ebony
  • 00:22:05
    if you have someone in your house that's
  • 00:22:07
    like
  • 00:22:08
    not okay they're not they're abusive
  • 00:22:10
    they're doing things you know i don't
  • 00:22:12
    mean that you should be kind and keep
  • 00:22:13
    someone in your home who's treating you
  • 00:22:15
    really badly or causing some kind of
  • 00:22:17
    chaos or being abused that's not what
  • 00:22:19
    i'm saying but
  • 00:22:20
    it's okay when that happens and i know a
  • 00:22:22
    lot of people get frustrated they're
  • 00:22:23
    like but they but they're not slowing
  • 00:22:24
    down they're using and i'm like yeah but
  • 00:22:25
    that's not what we thought would happen
  • 00:22:27
    what we think is going to happen is that
  • 00:22:29
    they're going to start to see it and
  • 00:22:30
    actually when it escalates that's
  • 00:22:31
    actually better because it it makes them
  • 00:22:34
    have to see that it's even more
  • 00:22:35
    problematic and when you're not in the
  • 00:22:37
    way distracting them they'll see it
  • 00:22:39
    faster so it usually gets a little worse
  • 00:22:42
    and then it starts to get better so
  • 00:22:44
    don't see that as a sign
  • 00:22:46
    that it's that what you're doing isn't
  • 00:22:48
    being effective
  • 00:22:50
    like when people come into miles i'm
  • 00:22:51
    like super nice to them and they tell me
  • 00:22:53
    they're gonna do this and that and it's
  • 00:22:54
    gonna make it better and i'm sitting
  • 00:22:56
    there thinking yeah
  • 00:22:57
    not gonna work but i'm super nice to
  • 00:22:59
    them and i let them do it and then it
  • 00:23:00
    usually gets worse and then eventually
  • 00:23:02
    they come around they're like you know
  • 00:23:04
    what you tell me that probably wasn't
  • 00:23:05
    gonna work you were right about that and
  • 00:23:07
    because i have a good relationship they
  • 00:23:08
    can be vulnerable enough to say
  • 00:23:09
    something like that to me i know you
  • 00:23:11
    told me and you were right
  • 00:23:12
    if if they're locked up into like a
  • 00:23:15
    power struggle with you even if they
  • 00:23:16
    know you're right they're not gonna tell
  • 00:23:17
    you that they're not gonna be vulnerable
  • 00:23:18
    with you like that
  • 00:23:22
    let's see christine says my daughter
  • 00:23:25
    is in early recovery but still acts
  • 00:23:27
    defensive she gets irritated easily and
  • 00:23:30
    triggers me by her reaction
  • 00:23:32
    since i fear her relapse my guess is
  • 00:23:35
    christine you probably are both very
  • 00:23:37
    vulnerable she's in her recovery and
  • 00:23:39
    you're easily triggered and she's easily
  • 00:23:41
    triggered like
  • 00:23:42
    if you're worried about her relapsing
  • 00:23:44
    probably triggers her that you don't
  • 00:23:46
    trust her and then she probably acts
  • 00:23:47
    defensively toward you which then
  • 00:23:48
    triggers usually like are you using
  • 00:23:50
    again you know it's just it's kind of a
  • 00:23:51
    circular
  • 00:23:52
    feedback process and in those early days
  • 00:23:55
    everybody everybody's vulnerable and
  • 00:23:57
    there are trust issues on both sides
  • 00:24:02
    [Music]
  • 00:24:04
    um let's see here
  • 00:24:08
    buddy says addicts shouldn't require
  • 00:24:10
    more sympathy than our veterans are
  • 00:24:12
    dying but they get it i'm a veteran and
  • 00:24:15
    one who dealt with my demon
  • 00:24:17
    well what i would say to you buddy is is
  • 00:24:19
    that
  • 00:24:20
    many many veterans are also people
  • 00:24:22
    struggling with addictions
  • 00:24:24
    and what i teach on this channel isn't
  • 00:24:26
    about who
  • 00:24:28
    should
  • 00:24:30
    or deserves kindness i'm not saying they
  • 00:24:32
    do they they don't
  • 00:24:35
    i'm just telling you what works
  • 00:24:37
    i'm here to tell you that if you want x
  • 00:24:39
    to happen you do this and it's not about
  • 00:24:42
    whether they deserve it or should have
  • 00:24:44
    it or not i'm just i'm just here to tell
  • 00:24:46
    you what what works because
  • 00:24:48
    some of you are out there and you may
  • 00:24:49
    know that they don't that's your kid
  • 00:24:51
    right and you you just can't walk away
  • 00:24:53
    or that's your husband or there's some
  • 00:24:55
    you know there's all kind of reasons why
  • 00:24:57
    even even when they don't
  • 00:24:59
    deserve your compassion and grace still
  • 00:25:02
    the best thing dude plus i'm telling you
  • 00:25:05
    it when you act right you feel better
  • 00:25:07
    about yourself and you know deep down
  • 00:25:09
    inside that you want to be
  • 00:25:12
    a good person you don't want to be a
  • 00:25:13
    crazy screaming lunatic because when you
  • 00:25:15
    do that you hate yourself and then you
  • 00:25:17
    hate them for making you act that way
  • 00:25:19
    and it's just a mess
  • 00:25:20
    [Music]
  • 00:25:24
    loretta says how do i be kind but
  • 00:25:25
    enforce boundaries
  • 00:25:27
    that is a great question but it's a big
  • 00:25:29
    question i don't know
  • 00:25:30
    if i can answer that on this video
  • 00:25:32
    because we're going to run out of time
  • 00:25:33
    soon but i do have a whole playlist on
  • 00:25:35
    boundaries so definitely check that out
  • 00:25:38
    because it's a good good question
  • 00:25:41
    [Music]
  • 00:25:42
    jimmy says it's hard to be empathetic
  • 00:25:44
    without enabling
  • 00:25:46
    so challenging your videos and
  • 00:25:47
    information are great to help
  • 00:25:49
    understanding someone having an
  • 00:25:50
    addiction hey thanks jimmy you're right
  • 00:25:52
    it is challenging um
  • 00:25:54
    especially the more negatively they act
  • 00:25:57
    towards you the more challenging it is
  • 00:25:59
    sometimes people have addiction even
  • 00:26:01
    though they're addicted they don't
  • 00:26:02
    necessarily act negatively towards you
  • 00:26:04
    and that can actually cause you to be
  • 00:26:06
    overly empathetic to their
  • 00:26:08
    situation the ones that come at you and
  • 00:26:11
    are kind of aggressive and defensive
  • 00:26:13
    um
  • 00:26:14
    they're actually easier to deal with on
  • 00:26:16
    some levels the other ones that act
  • 00:26:17
    really depressed and pitiful they sort
  • 00:26:19
    of pull you in to be so empathetic to
  • 00:26:22
    your situation that you won't hold
  • 00:26:24
    appropriate boundaries so you know
  • 00:26:26
    it it the manipulation
  • 00:26:29
    can go in either direction but it's
  • 00:26:31
    still manipulation so i know what you're
  • 00:26:32
    dealing with
  • 00:26:35
    um
  • 00:26:38
    let's see here kathy says i'm trying to
  • 00:26:41
    be nice but had to have my husband leave
  • 00:26:44
    recently so
  • 00:26:45
    mad that he has to seek help to come
  • 00:26:47
    home it's so tempting to let him back in
  • 00:26:50
    um
  • 00:26:52
    if you've already set that boundary i
  • 00:26:54
    would probably hold it
  • 00:26:57
    because you've already said it and
  • 00:26:58
    you've already said it
  • 00:26:59
    and
  • 00:27:01
    i'm big believer you know i'm not a
  • 00:27:03
    believer in having a lot of rules or
  • 00:27:05
    setting a lot of boundaries or giving
  • 00:27:06
    ultimatums i say avoid it whenever
  • 00:27:08
    possible but if you do have to do it
  • 00:27:10
    then you need to hold it because
  • 00:27:11
    otherwise
  • 00:27:13
    that is when you could be reinforcing
  • 00:27:14
    negative behavior
  • 00:27:17
    hey list i'm glad you found this channel
  • 00:27:19
    too
  • 00:27:21
    uh robin says
  • 00:27:24
    even a a it's getting is getting sick of
  • 00:27:26
    him showing up drunk and rambling even
  • 00:27:29
    cut him off and now his feelings are her
  • 00:27:31
    and he likely won't continue to go
  • 00:27:34
    yeah like
  • 00:27:36
    that's bad if a a is like dude you can't
  • 00:27:38
    come here you're too drunk it's kind of
  • 00:27:40
    bad
  • 00:27:41
    but
  • 00:27:42
    if
  • 00:27:44
    anyone even if it's a a people in aaa
  • 00:27:48
    anyone needs to have some kind of
  • 00:27:49
    healthy boundary and even if they want
  • 00:27:51
    to help you and they understand that you
  • 00:27:53
    have you know alcoholism you have a
  • 00:27:55
    dictionary problem and even though they
  • 00:27:56
    know they may have done the same thing
  • 00:27:57
    before
  • 00:27:59
    if letting that person come to the
  • 00:28:00
    meeting literally disrupts and makes
  • 00:28:03
    sure no one else there gets anything i
  • 00:28:05
    mean it's kind of like
  • 00:28:06
    an appropriate boundary and and um what
  • 00:28:10
    you're saying robin there about
  • 00:28:12
    the person then using that to feel sorry
  • 00:28:14
    for themselves that's such addictive
  • 00:28:15
    thinking i say addiction is fueled by
  • 00:28:17
    self-pity and resentment
  • 00:28:19
    which is another reason to stay out of
  • 00:28:20
    the bad guy role because you're just
  • 00:28:22
    just not giving them the fuel
  • 00:28:25
    if possible
  • 00:28:29
    let's see here
  • 00:28:32
    when he says when can you let your
  • 00:28:33
    spouse back into the home
  • 00:28:36
    um
  • 00:28:37
    if you have asked someone to leave the
  • 00:28:40
    home
  • 00:28:42
    ah
  • 00:28:44
    would not let them come back home until
  • 00:28:47
    there's been significant change not just
  • 00:28:48
    like okay i went and saw amber the
  • 00:28:50
    counselor one time because
  • 00:28:52
    then you'll learn back and
  • 00:28:54
    then everything's just gonna fall
  • 00:28:55
    through so if you've set that boundary
  • 00:28:57
    you need to hold that boundary that
  • 00:28:58
    doesn't mean however that you can't
  • 00:29:01
    have conversations with that person
  • 00:29:03
    have dinner with that person maybe let
  • 00:29:05
    the person come to the house have dinner
  • 00:29:06
    whatever doesn't mean you have to be
  • 00:29:07
    mean or have like a a bad or distant
  • 00:29:10
    relationship with the person but it's
  • 00:29:11
    this is just about
  • 00:29:13
    setting that healthy boundary for
  • 00:29:15
    yourself
  • 00:29:17
    let's see sunshine
  • 00:29:20
    says every day is like a battle for me
  • 00:29:23
    to convince my husband to quit drugs he
  • 00:29:25
    doesn't stay at home he stays out with
  • 00:29:27
    his addictive friends and gets more and
  • 00:29:29
    more angry i hear you sunshine
  • 00:29:32
    the craziest thing about dealing with
  • 00:29:34
    someone has a dick's problem is
  • 00:29:36
    they're literally breaking every
  • 00:29:38
    boundary possible they're stealing
  • 00:29:40
    they're lying they're cheating they're
  • 00:29:41
    manipulating but they're mad at you
  • 00:29:44
    and i know that that's like maddie's
  • 00:29:45
    like really like
  • 00:29:47
    but that's kind of the way that
  • 00:29:49
    addiction works it's part of that
  • 00:29:52
    thinking
  • 00:29:53
    messed up thinking so
  • 00:29:57
    judy says i try to speak from an open
  • 00:30:00
    heart to my daughter-in-law but i still
  • 00:30:01
    have resentment towards her because of
  • 00:30:03
    her emotionally or psychologically
  • 00:30:05
    abandon my grandchildren
  • 00:30:07
    i can understand that
  • 00:30:09
    i can understand that and sometimes it
  • 00:30:10
    is hard
  • 00:30:11
    when you have such hurt feelings to
  • 00:30:13
    respond in kindness
  • 00:30:15
    i still think you're probably doing the
  • 00:30:16
    right decision and i can even tell judy
  • 00:30:18
    that you even though it's hard for you
  • 00:30:20
    you don't like it you still feel like
  • 00:30:22
    you're making the right decision and i
  • 00:30:24
    agree i think you are making the right
  • 00:30:25
    decision
  • 00:30:27
    if you agree if you agree that kindness
  • 00:30:30
    and empathy
  • 00:30:31
    and support is a better way to go at
  • 00:30:34
    helping someone get out of the now then
  • 00:30:35
    give this video a thumbs up let me know
  • 00:30:37
    that i'm on track or that you've tried
  • 00:30:39
    that let me know i'm not i'm not crazy
  • 00:30:41
    over here by myself
  • 00:30:43
    and if you're watching this and you are
  • 00:30:45
    a parent of someone who has a substance
  • 00:30:48
    abuse problem we are going to open a
  • 00:30:51
    coaching community specifically for
  • 00:30:53
    parents in october and our parent
  • 00:30:56
    recovery specialist campbell is going to
  • 00:30:58
    be leading that it's not open yet you
  • 00:31:00
    can't get into it but we are making a
  • 00:31:03
    late a waiting list because we're only
  • 00:31:05
    going to keep it open for very short
  • 00:31:07
    time for people to enter so i'm going to
  • 00:31:09
    put the link up here for you um
  • 00:31:12
    so that you can get on the waiting list
  • 00:31:14
    in case you want to do that
  • 00:31:16
    and up next for you i'm going to put
  • 00:31:18
    some more videos
  • 00:31:20
    more about enabling versus versus
  • 00:31:23
    helping how to stay out of that enabling
  • 00:31:25
    role
Etiquetas
  • support
  • addiction
  • kindness
  • empathy
  • enabling
  • boundaries
  • recovery
  • communication
  • family dynamics
  • mental health