you've been lied to about self esteem

00:56:35
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UE9iuWmI2WQ

Resumo

TLDRVideyo a analize ensekirite ki entwoviz dans mouvman estime de tèt la, ki sòti nan trajedi yo ki te kreye tèm sa yo ki kapab mennen nan konparezon mal. Li montre ki jan medya sosyal ak mesaj pozitif ki pa toujou reyalite kapab rale nou anba, ak pwomèt solisyon ki pa reyalize tout tan. Se poutèt sa li ofri yon nouvo defans sou estime de tèt otantik, ki se evalyasyon onèt sou pwòp valè ak kapasite ou, ansanm ak fason pou amelyore sa yo.

Conclusões

  • 🌟 Konsidere estime de tèt kòm yon evalyasyon onèt sou tèt ou.
  • 🧠 Fokis sou kwasans olye de konpare tèt ou ak lòt moun.
  • 📈 Serye sou aksyon ou yo pou ogmante konfyans ou.
  • 🙅‍♂️ Pa kite medya sosyal detwi estime ou.
  • 💬 Komunikasyon efektif se kle pou asire tèt ou.
  • 📆 Aplike prinsip sa yo pou vrè chanjman nan lavi ou.
  • 🔄 Aksepte emosyon ou pou amelyore sante mantal ou.
  • 🙇‍♀️ Asire ou ke ou se nan konformite ak valè ou.
  • 🏆 Pa neglije reyalizasyon ou, kite ou jwi fyète siksè ou.
  • 🛠️ Pran responsabilite pou vwayaj ou.

Linha do tempo

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    Nan videyo sa a, nou kòmanse avèk ide pou renmen tèt ou ak swen tèt ou, men sa a pote kesyon sou si sa a se bon konsèy oswa si li menm li se sa ki fè anpil moun deteste tèt yo.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    Nou chèche orijin mouvman otodetèmine a ki te lanse pa John Vasc Conos nan mitan ane 1980 yo, kote li te afime ke pwoblèm pèsonèl ak sosyal yo se paske nan anba nivo otodetèmine, ak solisyon se pou ogmante li.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    Se poutèt sa, mouvman sa a, ki te voyeurize ak manipile rechèch, te mennen anpil timoun nan lekòl yo jwenn twopi pou patisipasyon, ki finalman kreye yon kilti kote tout moun kwè yo espesyal, men an reyalite, sa a elimine sans espesyalite.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    Otodetèmine se sou ede moun konprann vre pwòp valè yo, ki baze sou reyalizasyon ak fyète nan sa yo akonpli, olye ke sa ki soti nan yon santimantalite vid.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:25:00

    Mesaj yo nan sosyal medya, ki kliyan yo ak konpare tèt yo ak lòt moun, lakòz yon diminisyon nan konfyans ak otodetèmine, paske sa ap diminye valè yo soti nan pwòp reyalite yo.

  • 00:25:00 - 00:30:00

    Antretan, nou te abòde pwoblèm nan ak pozitivite toksik ki soti nan mouvman otodetèmine, kote konpansasyon pou emosyon negatifs ap mennen sèlman bwochi sentiment ke ou pa ka evite.

  • 00:30:00 - 00:35:00

    Nou te prezante yon modèl sou ki jan yon bon otodetèmine se fondamantalman sou evalyasyon pwòp kapasite ak valè sou yon baz ki admèt mèsi nan potansyèl ki gen nan nou.

  • 00:35:00 - 00:40:00

    Pwofondaman ak realizasyon pwòp tèt ou se esansyèl pou amelyore sa ki konsidere kòm otodetèmine.

  • 00:40:00 - 00:45:00

    Mouvman sa a sou otodetèmine souvan unike self-affirmations ki ka fè plis mal pase bien, espesyalman pou moun ki deja pa gen yon imaj pozitif de tèt yo.

  • 00:45:00 - 00:50:00

    Nou te pase sou sis poto otodetèmine Nathaniel Brandon ki prosede ak konsyanse tèt ou, aksepte tèt ou, pran responsablite, afirmé tèt ou, viv entansyonèlman, ak aji avèk entegrite.

  • 00:50:00 - 00:56:35

    Anfen, nou te distenge ant fierté ak narcisism, kote fierté pozitif se yon reyalizasyon sou polo-kò ou e li gen anpil enpòtans nan lavi nou, men ak atansyon pou pa tonbe nan narcisism ki asosye ak yon twòp evalyasyon tèt ou.

Mostrar mais

Mapa mental

Vídeo de perguntas e respostas

  • Ki sa ki solisyon yo pou amelyore estime de tèt?

    Amelyore li atravè konpreyansyon sinser sou tèt ou, aksepte defo ou, ak pran responsablite pou aksyon ou yo.

  • Ki twa faktè prensipal ki enfliyanse estime de tèt?

    Jenes, aksyon pase, ak opinyon lòt moun.

  • Ki sa ki diferans ki genyen ant fyète ak narisis?

    Fyète se yon santiman ki sòti nan reyalizasyon, pandan ke narisis se yon depasman nan pwòp valè ou.

  • Ki sa ki pral ede moun ki gen ba estime de tèt?

    Ankouraje yo pran plis inisyativ ak responsabilite nan lavi yo.

  • Kouman nou ka aksepte tèt nou pi bon?

    Pratik aksepte emosyon ou yo san jijman ak admet ke pwoblèm yo egziste.

  • Ki sa kouman pou ogmante estime de tèt san yo pa ap jwe ak piblisite?

    Fokis sou amelyorasyon pèsonèl ak kwasans san konpare tèt ou ak lòt moun.

  • Ki pilyè ki ka itilize pou amelyore estime de tèt?

    Vivre avèk konsyans, aksepte tèt ou, pran responsabilite, asire tèt ou, viv entansyonèlman, ak aji avèk entegrite.

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  • 00:03:41
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    end who cares nothing about other people
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  • 00:03:53
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  • 00:03:55
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  • 00:03:57
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  • 00:03:59
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  • 00:04:02
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  • 00:04:04
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  • 00:04:08
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  • 00:04:10
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  • 00:04:13
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  • 00:04:18
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  • 00:04:20
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  • 00:04:22
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  • 00:04:25
    you have to understand what happens when
  • 00:04:27
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  • 00:04:28
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  • 00:04:30
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  • 00:04:33
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  • 00:04:35
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  • 00:04:37
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  • 00:04:39
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  • 00:04:41
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  • 00:04:43
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  • 00:04:46
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  • 00:04:49
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  • 00:04:51
    pose in each photo and video to show off
  • 00:04:53
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  • 00:04:59
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  • 00:05:05
    young woman who is cherry-picking
  • 00:05:08
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  • 00:05:10
    you think about her in a certain way
  • 00:05:13
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  • 00:05:15
    at your confidence and self-esteem
  • 00:05:18
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  • 00:05:20
    each time you see these posts you are
  • 00:05:22
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  • 00:05:25
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  • 00:05:27
    can go onto social media see the lives
  • 00:05:30
    of other people and feel inspired you're
  • 00:05:33
    likely not going to feel inspired you're
  • 00:05:35
    likely going to feel wretched and
  • 00:05:37
    self-hatred because you're going to
  • 00:05:39
    compare what you don't have to what this
  • 00:05:41
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  • 00:05:43
    appearance or a certain lifestyle but
  • 00:05:46
    this is where things get extremely
  • 00:05:48
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  • 00:05:51
    influencers and self-help gurus send out
  • 00:05:55
    in order to get ahead in Life or to
  • 00:05:57
    build the life you want you just need to
  • 00:05:59
    love yourself and improve your
  • 00:06:01
    confidence and your self-esteem so what
  • 00:06:04
    does that do it depicts your low levels
  • 00:06:07
    of self-esteem out to be the problem in
  • 00:06:09
    this game that is going on but your low
  • 00:06:12
    level of self-esteem in this context is
  • 00:06:14
    not the problem it's a symptom of a
  • 00:06:17
    deeper issue which is you are comparing
  • 00:06:20
    yourself your appearance your lifestyle
  • 00:06:23
    to someone else's which is why when you
  • 00:06:26
    unfollow certain people or go one step
  • 00:06:28
    further and stop using social media you
  • 00:06:31
    remove this underlying problem that your
  • 00:06:34
    low self-esteem is a symptom of from
  • 00:06:36
    your life and you're met with the
  • 00:06:38
    Blissful realization of ignorance you
  • 00:06:41
    become ignorant to what other people are
  • 00:06:43
    doing but before I offer a solution
  • 00:06:46
    that's turn to what us young men face
  • 00:06:48
    whenever we go onto these social media
  • 00:06:50
    platforms we're bombarded with images
  • 00:06:52
    and videos of hyped up jacked hyper
  • 00:06:56
    masculine men who are surrounded by
  • 00:06:59
    women they've got the money they've got
  • 00:07:00
    the lifestyle they've got the cars and
  • 00:07:03
    one of the messages that they program us
  • 00:07:05
    with is in order to get ahead in order
  • 00:07:07
    to get what I have you just need to be
  • 00:07:09
    confident in yourself and think highly
  • 00:07:12
    of yourself but the problem in
  • 00:07:14
    particular for us young men is one we do
  • 00:07:16
    compare ourselves to these influencers
  • 00:07:18
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  • 00:07:20
    also Propel us into this spiral of
  • 00:07:22
    mimetic desire memetic desire is where
  • 00:07:26
    you want what other people have just
  • 00:07:28
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  • 00:07:31
    just a platform for other people to tell
  • 00:07:34
    you what to want so we see these people
  • 00:07:36
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  • 00:07:38
    man I want what he has I want the
  • 00:07:41
    lifestyle the money the gos the physique
  • 00:07:45
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  • 00:07:47
    just need to have confidence in myself
  • 00:07:49
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  • 00:07:51
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  • 00:07:53
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  • 00:07:55
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  • 00:07:57
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  • 00:08:00
    level 100 financially lifestyle wise
  • 00:08:04
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  • 00:08:07
    know exactly where this leads those same
  • 00:08:09
    people who are telling you to raise your
  • 00:08:11
    self-esteem and your confidence levels
  • 00:08:13
    and to just believe in yourself and love
  • 00:08:15
    yourself the same people who sell you
  • 00:08:17
    products on how to do so but the
  • 00:08:21
    solution I'm going to offer because I
  • 00:08:22
    would love to stand here and say just
  • 00:08:25
    get off social media of course you can
  • 00:08:26
    unfollow people that's something that
  • 00:08:28
    you can do but because you're unlikely
  • 00:08:30
    to stop using social media the solution
  • 00:08:34
    I'm going to offer is you need to
  • 00:08:36
    understand the game you're play in
  • 00:08:38
    whenever you log on to these social
  • 00:08:40
    media apps which is these influencers
  • 00:08:43
    create the problem and sell you on the
  • 00:08:45
    solution but they don't even realize
  • 00:08:47
    they've created the problem because
  • 00:08:49
    you're complicit in the creation of the
  • 00:08:51
    problem as well which is of course you
  • 00:08:53
    go on social media and you compare
  • 00:08:55
    yourself to these people that lowers
  • 00:08:58
    your levels of self-esteem you then
  • 00:08:59
    think oh I don't have high self-esteem
  • 00:09:02
    that's a bad thing because this person
  • 00:09:04
    is telling me that I should have high
  • 00:09:06
    levels of self-esteem let me listen to
  • 00:09:08
    what they have to say so I can improve
  • 00:09:10
    my levels of self-esteem without
  • 00:09:12
    realizing that my low levels of
  • 00:09:14
    self-esteem are a direct consequence of
  • 00:09:17
    me comparing myself to them and if I
  • 00:09:20
    just stopped then my self-esteem levels
  • 00:09:24
    would balance out but when you
  • 00:09:26
    understand the game you can rise above
  • 00:09:28
    it so you need to understand that this
  • 00:09:30
    is what's happening whenever you go
  • 00:09:32
    online as long as you stay focused on
  • 00:09:34
    the symptom you are going to be
  • 00:09:35
    continuously oblivious to the problem
  • 00:09:37
    which is you are comparing yourself to
  • 00:09:40
    these people who promote these messages
  • 00:09:43
    that's why I don't have Instagram and I
  • 00:09:45
    refuse to get it because I know if I got
  • 00:09:47
    it I would just start comparing my life
  • 00:09:50
    and myself to the lives of others in a
  • 00:09:53
    few moments time we're going to outline
  • 00:09:55
    some helpful definitions of self-esteem
  • 00:09:57
    and cover some practical ways you can
  • 00:09:59
    improve your levels of self-esteem
  • 00:10:01
    without playing a game like that but now
  • 00:10:03
    let's cover the issue with this toxic
  • 00:10:05
    positivity that the self-esteem movement
  • 00:10:08
    throws at us the problem with the belief
  • 00:10:11
    that we see so much on the internet
  • 00:10:12
    nowadays and in self-help books that in
  • 00:10:15
    order to solve your problems you just
  • 00:10:17
    need to be more positive is that it
  • 00:10:19
    forces you to wear a mask that doesn't
  • 00:10:22
    always fit and the main problem with
  • 00:10:24
    believing that just by being positive
  • 00:10:26
    you can solve all of your life problems
  • 00:10:28
    is that it runs contrary to a
  • 00:10:31
    fundamental psychological principle what
  • 00:10:34
    you resist persists which is to say the
  • 00:10:37
    more that you avoid your uncomfortable
  • 00:10:39
    emotions the more they will have a grip
  • 00:10:41
    on your life furthermore by avoiding the
  • 00:10:44
    one feedback mechanism you have to your
  • 00:10:47
    pain you rob yourself of the opportunity
  • 00:10:50
    to get the feedback to recognize what
  • 00:10:52
    you actually need to change in your life
  • 00:10:56
    more frighteningly when we look at the
  • 00:10:57
    psychological research there's a long UD
  • 00:10:59
    inal study which shows people who use
  • 00:11:01
    the coping style of avoiding problems in
  • 00:11:04
    their life find themselves in more
  • 00:11:06
    stressful life situations 4 years later
  • 00:11:10
    and 10 years later show more symptoms
  • 00:11:13
    for depression additionally in this
  • 00:11:15
    context of toxic positivity you might
  • 00:11:18
    have been told more than once that you
  • 00:11:20
    need to instill affirmations in your
  • 00:11:23
    life but here's the problem with these
  • 00:11:26
    pesky things positive affirmations only
  • 00:11:29
    work for people who already have a
  • 00:11:32
    positive self-image furthermore if you
  • 00:11:34
    have to say you are you aren't a truly
  • 00:11:38
    happy person doesn't need to remind
  • 00:11:40
    themselves they're happy if you
  • 00:11:42
    genuinely think you're beautiful you
  • 00:11:44
    don't have to remind yourself about it
  • 00:11:46
    every 10 seconds and for the person who
  • 00:11:48
    doesn't have a positive self-image
  • 00:11:49
    saying the affirmation to themsel such
  • 00:11:51
    as I love everything about myself is so
  • 00:11:54
    obviously a lie that it causes two harms
  • 00:11:58
    one it reminds you of all of the things
  • 00:12:00
    you don't love about yourself and two it
  • 00:12:02
    now makes you feel like a liar Lucas
  • 00:12:05
    Dixon who wrote a brilliant article that
  • 00:12:07
    I'll link in the research notes for this
  • 00:12:09
    video he's researched into toxic
  • 00:12:12
    positivity and self-help gurus and all
  • 00:12:15
    of that and he says there's three things
  • 00:12:17
    that we need to do in order to combat
  • 00:12:19
    toxic
  • 00:12:22
    positivity he says there's a balance
  • 00:12:24
    that we need to achieve more so think
  • 00:12:26
    about it like a Chinese finger trap when
  • 00:12:28
    you put your finger inside if you
  • 00:12:30
    instantly try to retreat you get trapped
  • 00:12:34
    however when you lean into it you give
  • 00:12:36
    yourself more wiggle room to then Escape
  • 00:12:39
    it's exactly the same with your
  • 00:12:41
    difficult and uncomfortable emotions
  • 00:12:43
    additionally by accepting your current
  • 00:12:45
    circumstances and not denying them with
  • 00:12:48
    excessive positivity you give yourself
  • 00:12:50
    the opportunity to be relieved from them
  • 00:12:53
    remember to accept something doesn't
  • 00:12:55
    mean you approve of it but it's only by
  • 00:12:58
    accepting something that you can change
  • 00:13:00
    it the person who accepts do you know
  • 00:13:02
    what I'm not the best with money can
  • 00:13:04
    then work to improve their financial
  • 00:13:06
    skills the person who says you know what
  • 00:13:09
    I'm not actually the best at
  • 00:13:10
    relationships at the moment can give
  • 00:13:13
    herself the grace to improve her of
  • 00:13:15
    communication or relationship skills but
  • 00:13:17
    the three things Lucas Dixon suggests is
  • 00:13:20
    number one notice the forced positivity
  • 00:13:22
    from others notice those moments when
  • 00:13:24
    your friends family members or
  • 00:13:26
    colleagues are trying to reassure you
  • 00:13:28
    into positivity by saying things such as
  • 00:13:31
    don't worry it will all be fine you just
  • 00:13:33
    need to be a bit more positive and
  • 00:13:34
    things will work out also notice when
  • 00:13:36
    you begin comparing your life to other
  • 00:13:38
    people's life on social media always
  • 00:13:41
    remember the game you're playing that is
  • 00:13:43
    these people whose posts you're seeing
  • 00:13:46
    are cherry-picked moments from their
  • 00:13:48
    life to make you think a certain way
  • 00:13:49
    about them nothing is real on social
  • 00:13:52
    media number two realize that anyone who
  • 00:13:54
    demonizes negativity instant red flag
  • 00:13:57
    because anyone who does this
  • 00:14:00
    uses their demonization of negativity as
  • 00:14:02
    a way to avoid critique and more
  • 00:14:05
    particular of course we speak a lot
  • 00:14:06
    about communication and relationships on
  • 00:14:08
    this channel but when you remove
  • 00:14:11
    negativity from someone's life and the
  • 00:14:13
    opportunity to feel negativity you
  • 00:14:15
    stifle their self-expression and your
  • 00:14:18
    own if you're doing it to yourself and
  • 00:14:19
    number three lastly recognize the
  • 00:14:22
    positivity oh recognize that positivity
  • 00:14:25
    manifests in different ways for everyone
  • 00:14:28
    to be positive you don't just have to
  • 00:14:30
    tell yourself affirmations cultivating
  • 00:14:32
    positivity for you could be listening to
  • 00:14:34
    music going for a walk talking to a
  • 00:14:37
    friend going to an improv class dancing
  • 00:14:39
    doing jiujitsu whatever it is cultivate
  • 00:14:42
    more of those experiences and remember
  • 00:14:45
    it's okay to be okay and it's okay to
  • 00:14:49
    not be okay A little anecdote from me my
  • 00:14:51
    mom as much as I love her when I was
  • 00:14:53
    growing up wasn't very receptive to any
  • 00:14:56
    feelings less than positivity not that
  • 00:14:59
    she was a positivity junkie but if I was
  • 00:15:01
    ever in a bad mood as a teenager it
  • 00:15:04
    would always be met with the response of
  • 00:15:05
    oh what's up with you cheered up yet and
  • 00:15:08
    I feel like I was demonized to feel
  • 00:15:11
    anything less than positive I love my
  • 00:15:13
    mom and I'm not traumatized by it or
  • 00:15:15
    anything but that is one of the reasons
  • 00:15:16
    I feel so passionately about giving
  • 00:15:19
    yourself the permission to feel anything
  • 00:15:22
    that's different from positivity okay
  • 00:15:25
    now let's get into the juicy stuff how
  • 00:15:27
    self-esteem works and how you can
  • 00:15:29
    positively raise your authentic
  • 00:15:33
    self-esteem it's a new dawn it's a new
  • 00:15:36
    day I've trimmed my mustache self-esteem
  • 00:15:39
    is an attitude towards yourself
  • 00:15:42
    specifically it's the belief that you
  • 00:15:44
    have value as you can see little Jimmy
  • 00:15:46
    here is looking at himself from
  • 00:15:47
    yesterday with the conclusion I Know I
  • 00:15:50
    Can Do Better more specifically though
  • 00:15:53
    self-esteem is comprised of two things
  • 00:15:55
    capability and worthiness when we say
  • 00:15:57
    capability what we mean is self-efficacy
  • 00:16:00
    which is your trust in your mind and
  • 00:16:03
    your judgment the worthiness aspect is
  • 00:16:05
    what we alluded to a few seconds ago
  • 00:16:07
    that self-respect and that belief that
  • 00:16:10
    you have value to offer now I want you
  • 00:16:13
    guys to understand that while
  • 00:16:14
    researching for this video I was very
  • 00:16:17
    pessimistic towards self-esteem and
  • 00:16:19
    everything that I was reading which
  • 00:16:21
    means that this stuff that stood the
  • 00:16:23
    test of my pessimism which we're going
  • 00:16:25
    to cover right now is valuable and I
  • 00:16:28
    wouldn't share it with you guys if I
  • 00:16:30
    didn't think it was valuable because
  • 00:16:32
    despite my inherent ambivalence and
  • 00:16:34
    critique of self-esteem and this whole
  • 00:16:37
    movement you can't avoid having an
  • 00:16:39
    opinion about yourself you just can't
  • 00:16:42
    that's what I've realized but you can
  • 00:16:44
    change your opinion about yourself and
  • 00:16:47
    when you have a positive opinion about
  • 00:16:48
    yourself through authentic self-esteem
  • 00:16:51
    you make choices that promote your
  • 00:16:53
    well-being and you improve your
  • 00:16:55
    bounceback rate in life otherwise known
  • 00:16:57
    as your resilience so I want to change
  • 00:16:59
    your understanding of self-esteem a
  • 00:17:02
    little bit and I want to say that
  • 00:17:04
    self-esteem largely involves hope not
  • 00:17:08
    necessarily about your current
  • 00:17:10
    circumstances because if you feel like a
  • 00:17:13
    sack of poo and you don't like yourself
  • 00:17:16
    at the moment then telling you to have
  • 00:17:18
    more self-esteem right now won't help
  • 00:17:20
    you because you're going to be fixated
  • 00:17:23
    into believing that you have to approve
  • 00:17:25
    of your present self who you don't
  • 00:17:27
    approve of
  • 00:17:29
    The Hope aspect is more so oriented
  • 00:17:33
    towards the future the value you could
  • 00:17:36
    bring if you get your ass in line so
  • 00:17:39
    through this lens self-esteem becomes a
  • 00:17:43
    growth mindset that despite your current
  • 00:17:46
    circumstances you can improve them and
  • 00:17:49
    it's that attempt to improve your
  • 00:17:50
    current circumstances and your opinion
  • 00:17:52
    about yourself that gives you that
  • 00:17:54
    positive feedback which raises your
  • 00:17:56
    self-esteem because we see the opposite
  • 00:17:58
    all of the time in the people who don't
  • 00:18:00
    have self-esteem right which is
  • 00:18:02
    obviously known as a fixed mindset
  • 00:18:04
    popularized by the brilliant researcher
  • 00:18:07
    Carol DW we hear people say I'm not good
  • 00:18:09
    enough I'm not smart enough to become a
  • 00:18:12
    teacher I'm not creative enough to be an
  • 00:18:14
    artist or quit my job and go all in on
  • 00:18:17
    this thing so again telling people to
  • 00:18:20
    just believe in themselves doesn't work
  • 00:18:22
    in the same way that telling a depressed
  • 00:18:24
    person to be happy also doesn't work but
  • 00:18:27
    it is important to have self-con idence
  • 00:18:29
    otherwise you will likely undermine a
  • 00:18:30
    lot of what you do so what I'm
  • 00:18:33
    suggesting is you get in alignment with
  • 00:18:35
    that inherent positive guiding force
  • 00:18:37
    within you that calls you to your
  • 00:18:39
    Highest Potential there's more to you
  • 00:18:41
    than you think and all of that but to
  • 00:18:43
    put it in pler terms becoming is better
  • 00:18:46
    than being as Carol D says but before we
  • 00:18:48
    get into the main causes of self-esteem
  • 00:18:51
    let's have a look at the main negative
  • 00:18:54
    effects of having low self-esteem mainly
  • 00:18:57
    when we look at people with of low
  • 00:18:59
    self-esteem we see the underlying their
  • 00:19:01
    behavior is shame and the feeling that
  • 00:19:03
    they don't deserve any success that they
  • 00:19:06
    achieve now this feeling of Shame might
  • 00:19:09
    cause this type of person to seek
  • 00:19:11
    validation from other people in order to
  • 00:19:13
    fill up this internal lack that they
  • 00:19:16
    have inside they might fall prey to
  • 00:19:19
    certain addictions which some of them
  • 00:19:23
    are celebrated in our culture such as
  • 00:19:26
    work pouring yourself into your work is
  • 00:19:28
    is largely heralded by other people as a
  • 00:19:32
    big accomplishment whereas you can use
  • 00:19:34
    it individually to escape the negative
  • 00:19:38
    thoughts and perceptions you have about
  • 00:19:40
    yourself same with alcohol I'm English
  • 00:19:42
    and in my culture it's almost again
  • 00:19:45
    celebrated to go out every weekend and
  • 00:19:47
    get drunk people with low self-esteem
  • 00:19:49
    might try to numb their emotions
  • 00:19:51
    obviously the shame and they might
  • 00:19:53
    undermine their efforts by not putting
  • 00:19:54
    thems out there in the world and hiding
  • 00:19:57
    themselves for fear of exposure okay
  • 00:19:59
    that's all well and good knowing that
  • 00:20:01
    but now let's get into the factors that
  • 00:20:03
    cause your self-esteem now with
  • 00:20:05
    researching for this video I found there
  • 00:20:07
    are mainly three things that influence
  • 00:20:09
    your self-esteem levels first up is
  • 00:20:11
    genetics a lot of psychologists disagree
  • 00:20:14
    and agree with this but confidence is
  • 00:20:17
    seen as a trait and scientists argue
  • 00:20:20
    around 25 to 50% of your confidence
  • 00:20:22
    levels comes from your genetics
  • 00:20:25
    interesting one that the second factor
  • 00:20:27
    that influences your self-esteem levels
  • 00:20:28
    is your past actions we covered this a
  • 00:20:31
    few minutes ago in the context of people
  • 00:20:34
    with high self-esteem tend to have high
  • 00:20:36
    self-esteem because of their previous
  • 00:20:38
    accomplishments and success so the thing
  • 00:20:41
    to note is your past actions drive your
  • 00:20:44
    expectations and they reinforce
  • 00:20:47
    particular actions and choices let me
  • 00:20:49
    give you a sports example let's say
  • 00:20:51
    you're a basketball player and you play
  • 00:20:53
    a match and you perform brilliantly that
  • 00:20:56
    will likely improve your confidence
  • 00:20:58
    levels but won't affect your self-esteem
  • 00:21:00
    levels too much however if you continue
  • 00:21:03
    to play well over the succeeding 5 to 10
  • 00:21:06
    games then that will likely raise your
  • 00:21:09
    self-esteem because you have proven to
  • 00:21:11
    yourself your accomplishments over a
  • 00:21:13
    sequence of
  • 00:21:15
    events otherwise known as on the pattern
  • 00:21:17
    of your past actions why do I make
  • 00:21:19
    things complicated the third factor and
  • 00:21:22
    final factor is the opinions of others
  • 00:21:25
    one thing that the self-esteem movement
  • 00:21:27
    fails to clarify is just how social we
  • 00:21:30
    are as human beings and just how
  • 00:21:32
    susceptible we are to other people's
  • 00:21:35
    opinions now your self-esteem levels are
  • 00:21:38
    largely a result of the perception of
  • 00:21:42
    the value you can offer within your
  • 00:21:44
    community and by Community I mean the
  • 00:21:47
    community of your local area your work
  • 00:21:50
    Community any social group you are
  • 00:21:52
    involved in but when we go into how past
  • 00:21:56
    experiences in your childhood impact
  • 00:21:58
    yourself esteem what we see is of course
  • 00:22:00
    the importance of your relationship with
  • 00:22:02
    your parents for example people who
  • 00:22:05
    experienced neglect when they were
  • 00:22:06
    younger tend to have lower self-esteem
  • 00:22:09
    levels because the unconscious belief
  • 00:22:11
    they're programmed with is I'm
  • 00:22:13
    undeserving of love and my needs aren't
  • 00:22:16
    worthy of being listened to on the flip
  • 00:22:19
    side of that people who grew up in high
  • 00:22:21
    pressure households where they had to
  • 00:22:24
    overachieve academically sportswise and
  • 00:22:27
    just be perfect across across the board
  • 00:22:29
    experience self-esteem based on what
  • 00:22:32
    they achieve and of course that will
  • 00:22:34
    decrease when they stop achieving things
  • 00:22:37
    any deviations from Perfection results
  • 00:22:39
    in lower self-esteem because they think
  • 00:22:42
    that if I'm not perfect then I'm going
  • 00:22:44
    to lose love and the last thing in this
  • 00:22:46
    context of other people is cultural
  • 00:22:49
    stereotypes I was searching for
  • 00:22:51
    something the other day I just
  • 00:22:52
    remembered it I was in the garage
  • 00:22:54
    outside and I was looking for my bike
  • 00:22:55
    lock I think but I couldn't find it so
  • 00:22:58
    20 seconds in the voice that came up in
  • 00:23:00
    my head was oh I'm a man you know I'm
  • 00:23:02
    pretty bad at looking for things so I'll
  • 00:23:04
    just
  • 00:23:05
    stop there might be other stereotypes
  • 00:23:08
    you've heard of if you're a woman you
  • 00:23:10
    might hear The Stereotype that women are
  • 00:23:12
    bad at driving or bad at math men we
  • 00:23:15
    have The Stereotype that we're bad at
  • 00:23:17
    opening up and talking about our
  • 00:23:19
    emotions that might contribute to low
  • 00:23:22
    self-esteem but all of this stuff puts
  • 00:23:24
    your self-esteem on shaky grounds
  • 00:23:27
    because it extend alizes it which we're
  • 00:23:30
    going to clarify in a few seconds time
  • 00:23:32
    but the main perception change I would
  • 00:23:34
    like to propose to you about self-esteem
  • 00:23:37
    is stop looking at your self-esteem as a
  • 00:23:40
    given something set in stone and start
  • 00:23:43
    seeing it as an origin because your
  • 00:23:46
    self-esteem levels are largely a result
  • 00:23:49
    of how people have treated you in the
  • 00:23:51
    past so from a childhood programming
  • 00:23:54
    point of view and to use the words of
  • 00:23:56
    aland De baton we no longer need to
  • 00:23:58
    judge ourselves Through The Eyes of
  • 00:24:01
    people who were too unwell to see us
  • 00:24:04
    properly now it's about time we got into
  • 00:24:06
    the six ways you can actually improve
  • 00:24:08
    your self-esteem by the way I did a
  • 00:24:10
    morning workout followed by a cold
  • 00:24:11
    shower and I'm fasted so if at any point
  • 00:24:14
    throughout the remainder of this video
  • 00:24:15
    it seems like you're watching the video
  • 00:24:17
    on two times the playback speed I
  • 00:24:19
    apologize and if at any point my draw
  • 00:24:22
    rins become vaguely psychedelic is
  • 00:24:24
    because I've entered a state of
  • 00:24:25
    hallucination and at which point you
  • 00:24:27
    should definitely call the
  • 00:24:29
    ambulance right before I tell you the
  • 00:24:31
    six ways I was talking to my mom the
  • 00:24:33
    other day cuz I said Mom I'm making a
  • 00:24:35
    big video about self-esteem I'm trying
  • 00:24:37
    to get to the bottom of it what do you
  • 00:24:38
    think about self-esteem and telling
  • 00:24:40
    people to love themselves and shouts out
  • 00:24:42
    to Mom she said it's impossible to love
  • 00:24:45
    yourself so the
  • 00:24:47
    key is to be comfortable with yourself
  • 00:24:50
    and I
  • 00:24:53
    thought I like
  • 00:24:55
    that in more detail though as we always
  • 00:24:58
    out in these videos together there's a
  • 00:25:00
    bloke who's written a book that is
  • 00:25:02
    pretty good and we're going to summarize
  • 00:25:03
    it now his name is Nathaniel Brandon and
  • 00:25:05
    he's a psychotherapist and the six
  • 00:25:08
    pillars of self-esteem he talks about
  • 00:25:10
    are live with awareness accept yourself
  • 00:25:13
    take responsibility assert yourself live
  • 00:25:15
    intentionally and act with Integrity
  • 00:25:17
    because if you have low self-esteem you
  • 00:25:19
    might be thinking well Lis where the
  • 00:25:20
    bloody hell do I begin if I want to
  • 00:25:22
    improve it well beginning with these
  • 00:25:24
    pillars you begin a virtuous cycle where
  • 00:25:27
    by living with awareness you you accept
  • 00:25:28
    yourself more then you take more
  • 00:25:30
    responsibility which means you assert
  • 00:25:31
    yourself more live more intentionally
  • 00:25:33
    and you act with more Integrity Savvy
  • 00:25:35
    because it's worth mentioning that in
  • 00:25:37
    Psychology there's something called
  • 00:25:38
    dissonance theory where if you act out
  • 00:25:40
    of line with your beliefs you'll change
  • 00:25:43
    your beliefs so they align with your
  • 00:25:45
    behavior this is kind of what we're
  • 00:25:47
    going to hijack okay Point number one
  • 00:25:49
    live with awareness look at all of the
  • 00:25:51
    realities affecting you in your life
  • 00:25:53
    accept them and act accordingly because
  • 00:25:56
    what you want to avoid in this pillar
  • 00:25:57
    here is ignorance as our little fellow
  • 00:25:59
    is demonstrating down here if you notice
  • 00:26:02
    there's a problem in your life or
  • 00:26:04
    something that you want to change but
  • 00:26:06
    you actively ignore it that's a bit of a
  • 00:26:09
    problem so two is it if you gather all
  • 00:26:11
    of the necessary information you need
  • 00:26:14
    but you don't act on it because think
  • 00:26:16
    about it this way in terms of the
  • 00:26:18
    decisions you make in your life the
  • 00:26:20
    decisions you make reflect your level of
  • 00:26:23
    awareness to give you an example if
  • 00:26:25
    you're constantly buying stuff you
  • 00:26:27
    cannot afford that reflects a low level
  • 00:26:29
    of awareness so too if you're
  • 00:26:31
    continuously avoiding tough
  • 00:26:33
    conversations in your relationships so
  • 00:26:35
    by improving the level of awareness you
  • 00:26:38
    have in your life which is to put it
  • 00:26:40
    shortly looking at all of the things in
  • 00:26:42
    your life no matter how ugly they are
  • 00:26:44
    and accep in them you give yourself
  • 00:26:47
    again as we mentioned at the beginning
  • 00:26:48
    of this video the mechanism you need to
  • 00:26:50
    rely on in order to address the problems
  • 00:26:53
    all of which will improve your
  • 00:26:55
    self-esteem because you'll act in
  • 00:26:56
    accordance with your real reality which
  • 00:26:59
    means you'll make better decisions now
  • 00:27:01
    in case that sounded like a load of
  • 00:27:02
    waffle here's what you can actually do
  • 00:27:04
    to improve this allow yourself to feel
  • 00:27:07
    your negative emotions cuz the main
  • 00:27:09
    reason why you don't is because when you
  • 00:27:11
    feel your negative emotions you likely
  • 00:27:14
    blame yourself for their existence for
  • 00:27:17
    example if you end a relationship and
  • 00:27:19
    you feel an overwhelming surge of grief
  • 00:27:22
    that will probably make you blame
  • 00:27:24
    yourself for not being attentive enough
  • 00:27:25
    in the relationship or if you start to
  • 00:27:27
    pay attention to your back
  • 00:27:29
    pain hopefully you're
  • 00:27:32
    not that old enough to have back pain
  • 00:27:34
    but if you start to pay attention to
  • 00:27:36
    your back pain then you probably blame
  • 00:27:38
    yourself for sitting down too much but
  • 00:27:41
    tap into your negative emotions through
  • 00:27:43
    the lens of compassion because remember
  • 00:27:46
    what we said what you resist persists so
  • 00:27:49
    if you're currently in a state of
  • 00:27:50
    loneliness but you hate that emotion so
  • 00:27:53
    you're ignoring it by giving yourself
  • 00:27:55
    the opportunity to tap into it and see
  • 00:27:57
    it no matter how ugly it is you give
  • 00:28:00
    yourself the feedback to see oh I'm not
  • 00:28:03
    socializing as much at the moment and I
  • 00:28:05
    have a very big social need so let me
  • 00:28:07
    address this and so the loneliness
  • 00:28:09
    becomes happy because it's been paid
  • 00:28:12
    attention to okay number two accept
  • 00:28:17
    yourself what you do here is you simply
  • 00:28:20
    choose to not live in conflict with
  • 00:28:22
    yourself the one thing the self-esteem
  • 00:28:24
    movement fails to clarify is the
  • 00:28:26
    difference between approval and
  • 00:28:29
    acceptance to accept something does not
  • 00:28:32
    mean you approve of it which is to say
  • 00:28:34
    you can accept the reality of your life
  • 00:28:36
    right now and how you don't like certain
  • 00:28:39
    things about yourself or the situation
  • 00:28:41
    in life you're in you can accept that
  • 00:28:43
    but it doesn't mean you approve of it
  • 00:28:44
    and you want it to continue forever now
  • 00:28:46
    Nathaniel Brandon says there's three
  • 00:28:48
    ways you can foster your acceptance and
  • 00:28:50
    I'm going to add some ideas of my own if
  • 00:28:53
    I may number one realize that you're on
  • 00:28:56
    your own side already just to play
  • 00:28:58
    Devil's Advocate and all of those
  • 00:29:00
    moments when you feel so incredibly
  • 00:29:02
    self- reprehensible and you hate
  • 00:29:05
    yourself up until this point because I'm
  • 00:29:09
    basing what I'm about to say on the fact
  • 00:29:10
    that you are watching this video and you
  • 00:29:12
    are a breathing breathing breathing
  • 00:29:14
    living
  • 00:29:16
    organism you've gotten yourself out of
  • 00:29:18
    bed every morning so
  • 00:29:20
    far I might even go as far as to say
  • 00:29:22
    that you've brushed your teeth as well
  • 00:29:24
    each morning so there is a force within
  • 00:29:27
    you that is acting already within your
  • 00:29:30
    best interests no matter how lowly you
  • 00:29:32
    think of yourself right now number two
  • 00:29:35
    accept all your emotions and your
  • 00:29:37
    behavior remember to accept doesn't mean
  • 00:29:40
    you approve Lads don't worry accepting
  • 00:29:43
    all of your emotions doesn't mean you
  • 00:29:44
    have to become overly emotional and all
  • 00:29:46
    of that because remember you can only
  • 00:29:49
    change what you first accept and number
  • 00:29:52
    three treat yourself with
  • 00:29:56
    kindness instead of judging the way you
  • 00:29:59
    act question it why did I behave in that
  • 00:30:02
    way but most importantly ask yourself
  • 00:30:05
    what unmet need was I trying to fulfill
  • 00:30:08
    for example if you fall into a pit of
  • 00:30:10
    Doom scrolling each evening then instead
  • 00:30:12
    of judging yourself simply ask that
  • 00:30:15
    question and you might realize you're
  • 00:30:17
    just trying to relax and chill out so if
  • 00:30:19
    it's not serving your life at the moment
  • 00:30:21
    that particular habit replace it for one
  • 00:30:23
    that addresses the unmet need right this
  • 00:30:26
    is going to get risky now because I'm
  • 00:30:27
    going to add some ideas of my own [ __ ]
  • 00:30:30
    accept your flaws do away with this one
  • 00:30:34
    word perfect do I spell that right yeah
  • 00:30:37
    perfectionism is an attempt to alter
  • 00:30:40
    other people's perceptions of you it is
  • 00:30:43
    a graspin grope of approval with the
  • 00:30:47
    belief drive in it that if you do
  • 00:30:49
    anything less than perfect you will lose
  • 00:30:51
    out on love and be undeserving of your
  • 00:30:54
    achievements it's an attempt to gain
  • 00:30:56
    approval and avoid the feeling of shame
  • 00:30:59
    but imperfections my lovely snowflake
  • 00:31:02
    does not mean there's something wrong
  • 00:31:04
    with you think about it have you ever
  • 00:31:06
    seen a badly designed Cloud have you
  • 00:31:09
    ever seen a wrong
  • 00:31:13
    wave but if you want some harsh truth
  • 00:31:15
    cuz I know you're into all of that stuff
  • 00:31:18
    here it is you're pretty
  • 00:31:20
    average so am I so are most
  • 00:31:24
    people and that's fine now there's one
  • 00:31:27
    imagination technique you can use if you
  • 00:31:29
    do want to accept yourself more take
  • 00:31:33
    that thing you want to change about
  • 00:31:34
    yourself for your life maybe that you've
  • 00:31:37
    been conditioned to believe you need to
  • 00:31:39
    change by some [ __ ] on social media now
  • 00:31:42
    imagine a potent gas is released into
  • 00:31:44
    the environment which makes it
  • 00:31:46
    impossible for you to change that thing
  • 00:31:48
    so now that you know you'll never be
  • 00:31:50
    able to change it
  • 00:31:53
    consider how would you now live your
  • 00:31:55
    life differently would you do anything
  • 00:31:58
    differently would you continue to hate
  • 00:32:00
    yourself for not having this thing or
  • 00:32:02
    not changing it remember this gas isn't
  • 00:32:05
    your fault it just prevents you from
  • 00:32:08
    making any change would you find a
  • 00:32:10
    better way to handle this situation
  • 00:32:12
    would you face it how would you cope
  • 00:32:15
    more effectively how would you take
  • 00:32:17
    better care of yourself if you weren't
  • 00:32:20
    worrying so much about this thing what
  • 00:32:22
    else would you expend your energy
  • 00:32:25
    on okay that's enough of the [ __ ]
  • 00:32:27
    mystical voice Point number three take
  • 00:32:30
    responsibility Nathaniel Brandon
  • 00:32:33
    encourages us to take an active rather
  • 00:32:35
    than a
  • 00:32:37
    passive stance to life [ __ ]
  • 00:32:40
    helicopter is that a helicopter or a
  • 00:32:45
    plane sounds like a
  • 00:32:48
    plane why does every [ __ ] in England
  • 00:32:50
    have a bloody plane yes so active rather
  • 00:32:53
    than passive because when you take
  • 00:32:55
    responsibility for things in your life
  • 00:32:57
    well looking at it through the other
  • 00:32:58
    lens when you don't take responsibility
  • 00:33:00
    for things in your life you have no
  • 00:33:02
    feeling of control no action no
  • 00:33:04
    improvement and no
  • 00:33:06
    sucky no feeling of control if you don't
  • 00:33:09
    take responsibility for your life you
  • 00:33:11
    will diminish your ability to feel
  • 00:33:13
    capable and worthy to rise to the
  • 00:33:15
    challenge furthermore if you don't
  • 00:33:17
    realize your self-esteem levels are your
  • 00:33:19
    responsibility you won't take action to
  • 00:33:21
    improve them and you'll make statements
  • 00:33:24
    such as this if only it's their fault
  • 00:33:27
    that if you're using those statements
  • 00:33:29
    you're not taking responsibility and
  • 00:33:31
    finally not taking responsibility
  • 00:33:33
    results in no improvement because you'll
  • 00:33:35
    be waiting around forever believing that
  • 00:33:37
    one day someone will come and save you
  • 00:33:39
    but of course you already know this no
  • 00:33:41
    one's coming to save you that's the
  • 00:33:43
    harsh truth of life and even still if
  • 00:33:45
    someone does come to save you then
  • 00:33:46
    you'll become incredibly dependent on
  • 00:33:49
    them which isn't good your self-esteem
  • 00:33:52
    is your responsibility even though a few
  • 00:33:54
    minutes ago we did cover some potential
  • 00:33:56
    childhood reasons as to why your
  • 00:33:58
    self-esteem is a bit low but that's
  • 00:34:00
    other people's fault it's your
  • 00:34:02
    responsibility number four number four
  • 00:34:05
    assert yourself love this because it's
  • 00:34:07
    hitting on the topic of communication
  • 00:34:09
    don't know why I looked over there
  • 00:34:10
    there's no one there what we learn about
  • 00:34:12
    people who are assertive is they are
  • 00:34:13
    assertive because they like themselves
  • 00:34:16
    think about it if you didn't like
  • 00:34:17
    yourself you wouldn't stick up for
  • 00:34:19
    yourself and assert your needs wants and
  • 00:34:23
    opinions in your relationships asserting
  • 00:34:26
    yourself gives you that fear in of
  • 00:34:28
    capability and worthiness but most
  • 00:34:32
    importantly utilizing the work of C
  • 00:34:35
    Rogers you want to create the feeling of
  • 00:34:39
    congruence in your relationships and all
  • 00:34:41
    of your interactions which is a direct
  • 00:34:44
    Harmony between what you're feeling
  • 00:34:47
    inside and what you voice now that
  • 00:34:50
    doesn't mean you have to act with
  • 00:34:51
    radical honesty all of the time but you
  • 00:34:54
    can openly communicate your wants needs
  • 00:34:56
    and opinions to others by noticing what
  • 00:34:59
    you think and feel inwardly and then
  • 00:35:01
    trying to communicate that as accurately
  • 00:35:03
    as possible now of course I've done
  • 00:35:05
    videos about this in the past and I've
  • 00:35:07
    got a big video coming up about how to
  • 00:35:08
    do this in particular check out this
  • 00:35:11
    video on how to assert yourself that
  • 00:35:12
    will teach you everything you need to
  • 00:35:13
    know but in congruence of course is you
  • 00:35:16
    feel something within but then you
  • 00:35:17
    communicate the exact opposite get used
  • 00:35:20
    to telling people what you need and what
  • 00:35:22
    you want and how you feel and
  • 00:35:24
    furthermore and this is going to be very
  • 00:35:26
    easy for me to say but stop seeking
  • 00:35:29
    validation from other people so much
  • 00:35:32
    that's another way you can assert
  • 00:35:33
    yourself because the more you enter the
  • 00:35:35
    social domain through the lens of
  • 00:35:37
    wanting other people's approval in order
  • 00:35:39
    to fill up the internal lack and
  • 00:35:41
    emptiness you feel inside sorry that's a
  • 00:35:43
    bit harsh but that's usually how it goes
  • 00:35:45
    down the more you're going to alter your
  • 00:35:47
    behavior into the realm of in congruence
  • 00:35:50
    where you're just acting tiptoeing
  • 00:35:52
    around being a creepy crawly person to
  • 00:35:54
    not upset others and the last thing to
  • 00:35:56
    know about validation is if you rely on
  • 00:35:58
    people to make you happy guess what they
  • 00:36:01
    can also make you sad obviously when
  • 00:36:04
    they stop validating you so the way to
  • 00:36:07
    do this is don't aim for appreciation
  • 00:36:10
    from others aim for the usefulness you
  • 00:36:13
    can offer them aim to help other people
  • 00:36:15
    for the sake of helping them because the
  • 00:36:17
    more you rely on your efforts going
  • 00:36:20
    appreciated the more again you're going
  • 00:36:22
    to tailor what you do in order to get
  • 00:36:23
    that appreciation now of course there's
  • 00:36:25
    a big aspect here of one can hear your
  • 00:36:28
    voice screaming behind the camera leis a
  • 00:36:30
    few minutes ago you said how social we
  • 00:36:32
    are and how we can't not rely on the
  • 00:36:34
    validation from other people so yes okay
  • 00:36:37
    the whole point is to get the validation
  • 00:36:39
    you want from others down to a minimum
  • 00:36:41
    or most importantly understand that you
  • 00:36:43
    have a chimp inside your brain a very
  • 00:36:45
    old region of your brain that wants to
  • 00:36:48
    belong to a troop you cannot not fully
  • 00:36:51
    care about what people think about you
  • 00:36:54
    so the
  • 00:36:54
    trick is to choose the select people
  • 00:36:58
    whose opinions you care about not every
  • 00:37:01
    Tom Dick and Harry on social media
  • 00:37:04
    telling you that from experience and
  • 00:37:06
    that might be one person for you that
  • 00:37:08
    might be two or three select individuals
  • 00:37:10
    who you think okay I really value this
  • 00:37:12
    person's opinion this is the person
  • 00:37:14
    whose validation I will listen to and
  • 00:37:16
    use as feedback but to go one step
  • 00:37:18
    further and you creative individuals
  • 00:37:20
    will love this a great way to assert
  • 00:37:22
    yourself and be yourself is to engage in
  • 00:37:25
    creative things because Krishna mty who
  • 00:37:28
    was a Indian philosopher back in like
  • 00:37:31
    the 1970s is fascinating man very wise
  • 00:37:35
    he had this idea of something called
  • 00:37:36
    Anonymous
  • 00:37:37
    creativity whereby he said if you do
  • 00:37:41
    something and you want validation for it
  • 00:37:44
    that shows you don't love what you're
  • 00:37:46
    doing true creativity doesn't care about
  • 00:37:49
    being noticed so when you engage in a
  • 00:37:52
    creative act whatever it is for you it
  • 00:37:54
    could be dancing it could be making
  • 00:37:55
    music it could be drawing whatever it is
  • 00:37:59
    it could be writing that's a great way
  • 00:38:01
    to assert yourself because you're doing
  • 00:38:03
    it as a full expression of who you are
  • 00:38:06
    not as a means to have someone say oh my
  • 00:38:08
    God that's so good well done but the
  • 00:38:10
    last thing I want to end this sequence
  • 00:38:12
    on asserting yourself on is you cannot
  • 00:38:14
    assert yourself without
  • 00:38:18
    exposure they come as a package deal
  • 00:38:23
    oh another helicopter I can't believe it
  • 00:38:26
    I cannot
  • 00:38:28
    cannot believe it I wish I had an RPG
  • 00:38:30
    somewhere just spy
  • 00:38:33
    plane friendly RPG inbound everything I
  • 00:38:37
    do is for people but people in
  • 00:38:45
    helicopters the rocket the [ __ ] the rbgs
  • 00:38:47
    faced
  • 00:38:48
    backwards uh what was we saying yeah ass
  • 00:38:51
    certain in yourself and exposure come as
  • 00:38:54
    a package deal you can't have one
  • 00:38:55
    without the other which is to say say
  • 00:38:57
    asserting yourself doesn't mean everyone
  • 00:39:00
    will like your assertion expressing what
  • 00:39:02
    you genuinely want need and value will
  • 00:39:06
    make some people run for the
  • 00:39:08
    heels but that's the whole point that is
  • 00:39:12
    how you sift out who you should actually
  • 00:39:14
    keep in your life and who you shouldn't
  • 00:39:16
    okay two more points before I start
  • 00:39:17
    levitating because I've been fasted for
  • 00:39:19
    so long the fifth pillar of raising your
  • 00:39:21
    self-esteem is live intentionally don't
  • 00:39:24
    just react to life choose your long term
  • 00:39:27
    goals and the values you wish to uphold
  • 00:39:31
    and cultivate plans in order to do so or
  • 00:39:33
    through the lens of what James Clear
  • 00:39:35
    says in atomic habits decide on the
  • 00:39:37
    person you want to be and then do that
  • 00:39:39
    work because the most important thing
  • 00:39:41
    you have to understand about setting a
  • 00:39:42
    plan in your life and actively working
  • 00:39:45
    to actualize it you give yourself that
  • 00:39:48
    feeling of self-efficacy which is what
  • 00:39:51
    we've been saying again and again
  • 00:39:52
    throughout this video remember
  • 00:39:54
    selfefficacy is your belief in your cap
  • 00:39:57
    ability so when you actualize a plan or
  • 00:40:00
    when you follow through on something you
  • 00:40:02
    give yourself that positive feedback of
  • 00:40:05
    oh I now have the confidence because
  • 00:40:07
    I've done that thing which means I now
  • 00:40:08
    have the self-esteem behind me to do
  • 00:40:10
    things like that in the future for
  • 00:40:12
    example if you learn one language you
  • 00:40:15
    now have the confidence in your ability
  • 00:40:17
    to learn any language because you've
  • 00:40:19
    nailed the process so remember what we
  • 00:40:22
    said in a couple of sequences ago
  • 00:40:24
    becoming is better than being as Carol D
  • 00:40:26
    says I wanted to change your self-esteem
  • 00:40:29
    perception away from present focused and
  • 00:40:31
    more towards what you can achieve in the
  • 00:40:34
    future and lastly when it comes to
  • 00:40:36
    deciding on things or Avenues you should
  • 00:40:39
    pursue in your life I want you to really
  • 00:40:41
    understand the definitions of a strength
  • 00:40:44
    and a weakness a strength is anything
  • 00:40:47
    that makes you stronger after you do it
  • 00:40:49
    a weakness is anything that makes you
  • 00:40:51
    weaker after you do it for example you
  • 00:40:54
    can be great at math but you hate it
  • 00:40:58
    so that's a weakness you can be a
  • 00:41:00
    brilliant basketball player but every
  • 00:41:02
    time you're forced to play a game you
  • 00:41:04
    feel drained after that's a weakness cuz
  • 00:41:07
    it makes you weaker however you can be
  • 00:41:09
    great at speaking to people and you love
  • 00:41:11
    when you do it so that is a strength I
  • 00:41:13
    just wanted to give you that point of
  • 00:41:15
    reference for framing when you're
  • 00:41:17
    considering potential Avenues to go down
  • 00:41:19
    in your life and I'm just thinking about
  • 00:41:21
    it now remember what we said before we
  • 00:41:23
    dive deeper into these six pillars they
  • 00:41:25
    all start a virtuous cycle of Link into
  • 00:41:27
    to each other because the more
  • 00:41:29
    intentionally you live your life by
  • 00:41:32
    making your own decisions the more
  • 00:41:34
    responsible you feel for them all of
  • 00:41:36
    which enables you to accept yourself
  • 00:41:39
    more meaning you live with more
  • 00:41:40
    awareness all of which increases your
  • 00:41:42
    self-esteem because each step forward
  • 00:41:44
    you make in life is based on who you
  • 00:41:48
    genuinely are and who you are genuinely
  • 00:41:50
    becoming enough of the Poetry though
  • 00:41:53
    Point number six finally act with
  • 00:41:55
    Integrity here we are primarily talking
  • 00:41:59
    about your values because there is no
  • 00:42:01
    easier way to ruin your life than by not
  • 00:42:04
    living with integrity and by Integrity
  • 00:42:06
    what we specifically mean is what you
  • 00:42:09
    say is what you do so examine the
  • 00:42:12
    current beliefs you have in particular
  • 00:42:14
    domains in your life and question why
  • 00:42:16
    you have them then whatever sticks and
  • 00:42:19
    you like of course keep those beliefs
  • 00:42:21
    but in other areas change your negative
  • 00:42:24
    beliefs for more positive ones but in
  • 00:42:26
    more particular detail cultivate values
  • 00:42:30
    in your life so they can guide all of
  • 00:42:32
    your future decisions a lot of people on
  • 00:42:35
    the internet talk about finding your
  • 00:42:36
    purpose and I think it's a very
  • 00:42:38
    important thing to find but it's a bit
  • 00:42:40
    overrated when it comes to values
  • 00:42:42
    because values are the steps that glow
  • 00:42:47
    in a luminescent splendor when you're
  • 00:42:50
    looking forward as to the path in your
  • 00:42:52
    life and they highlight clearly where
  • 00:42:56
    you need to step next you can not feel
  • 00:42:58
    as if you've discovered your life's task
  • 00:43:00
    or your life's purpose but still live a
  • 00:43:03
    purposeful Life by acting in line with
  • 00:43:05
    your values if that makes sense but the
  • 00:43:08
    one thing I learned about values very
  • 00:43:10
    recently is it's not just enough to know
  • 00:43:13
    all of your values you need to rank them
  • 00:43:16
    in a hierarchy of most important to
  • 00:43:19
    least important because this will help
  • 00:43:21
    you when it comes to making decisions in
  • 00:43:23
    your life so if your values are mental
  • 00:43:25
    health family discipline courage
  • 00:43:27
    enthusiasm but all of these have the
  • 00:43:29
    same level of importance as the next if
  • 00:43:32
    you're faced with a decision in which
  • 00:43:34
    two values conflict you're going to
  • 00:43:36
    really struggle to make that decision
  • 00:43:38
    for example if your family want you to
  • 00:43:40
    do something that contradicts with your
  • 00:43:42
    mental health which one do you
  • 00:43:44
    prioritize but if you have them in a
  • 00:43:46
    structured hierarchy with mental health
  • 00:43:47
    at the top you can realize that no
  • 00:43:49
    matter what your family want you to do
  • 00:43:51
    you're never going to compromise your
  • 00:43:53
    most important value so that's how you
  • 00:43:55
    act with Integrity you highlight your
  • 00:43:57
    values and you just aim to uphold them
  • 00:44:00
    each and every day if you want a
  • 00:44:02
    philosophical exploration into the
  • 00:44:04
    opposite of this I recommend reading
  • 00:44:06
    Albert Kimo's book The Fool which f a l
  • 00:44:09
    l which is a real deep philosophical
  • 00:44:11
    exploration into a man who doesn't live
  • 00:44:14
    with Integrity so those were the six
  • 00:44:16
    pillars of self-esteem as highlighted by
  • 00:44:18
    Nathaniel Brandon if you want to improve
  • 00:44:20
    the self-esteem of others in your life
  • 00:44:22
    whether you're a manager a team leader
  • 00:44:25
    you have children or friends who you
  • 00:44:27
    want to improve the self-esteem of just
  • 00:44:29
    encourage them to take more initiative
  • 00:44:32
    and responsibility in their life because
  • 00:44:34
    to Herald The Point again the more
  • 00:44:37
    responsibility and initiative you take
  • 00:44:39
    the more you feel accountable to your
  • 00:44:41
    decisions which means when you follow
  • 00:44:43
    through on them you give yourself that
  • 00:44:45
    feedback of positivity I've done
  • 00:44:47
    something now I feel good about myself
  • 00:44:49
    let me continue doing things that make
  • 00:44:51
    me feel good about myself so we've
  • 00:44:54
    covered a lot in this video so far and
  • 00:44:56
    there's there's been a lot of
  • 00:44:57
    information but I really want to be done
  • 00:45:00
    with this topic forever and never have
  • 00:45:02
    to revisit it so in order to clarify one
  • 00:45:05
    important thing we're going to finalize
  • 00:45:07
    this video by differentiating between
  • 00:45:10
    pride and narcissism because you might
  • 00:45:13
    be thinking at what point does believing
  • 00:45:16
    in myself become dangerous utilizing the
  • 00:45:19
    work of another fantastic
  • 00:45:21
    psychotherapist Leon Garber whose work I
  • 00:45:24
    will put a link to in the description of
  • 00:45:26
    this video he says that pride comes
  • 00:45:29
    before self-esteem and pride is that
  • 00:45:32
    feeling of joy you experience after a
  • 00:45:35
    personal or a collective achievement the
  • 00:45:37
    reason pride comes before self-esteem is
  • 00:45:40
    because going back to the example we
  • 00:45:41
    gave about basketball about 10 to 15
  • 00:45:44
    minutes ago if you have one good
  • 00:45:46
    basketball performance you'll feel proud
  • 00:45:48
    but if you continue to have good
  • 00:45:50
    basketball performances you'll convince
  • 00:45:52
    yourself that you're a good basketball
  • 00:45:54
    player enhancing your self-esteem but
  • 00:45:57
    here's where things get a little bit
  • 00:45:58
    tricky because we have to introduce a
  • 00:46:01
    popular word online nowadays narcissism
  • 00:46:06
    at what point does pride become
  • 00:46:09
    narcissism well we need definitions so
  • 00:46:12
    what we mean by narcissism is
  • 00:46:14
    narcissistic personality disorder which
  • 00:46:16
    is characterized by the exaggeration of
  • 00:46:19
    your self-importance narcissism isn't
  • 00:46:22
    the feeling of being proud after passing
  • 00:46:24
    an exam or doing well on a particular
  • 00:46:27
    day at work it's the belief that no
  • 00:46:29
    matter what you do you are the most
  • 00:46:31
    important person and no matter what room
  • 00:46:33
    you enter you are the smartest person in
  • 00:46:37
    that room and the tricky thing we
  • 00:46:39
    haven't mentioned already is the intense
  • 00:46:42
    religious underpinnings to this word we
  • 00:46:45
    have in our culture pride and rightly so
  • 00:46:48
    because of course many Christians see it
  • 00:46:50
    as one of the deadly sins and we're
  • 00:46:52
    often warned against cultivating any
  • 00:46:55
    sense of Pride but it's hard to imagine
  • 00:46:57
    a world in which Einstein never felt
  • 00:46:59
    proud of his achievements and motivated
  • 00:47:02
    to discover more or football teams never
  • 00:47:06
    feel proud of their winning the title
  • 00:47:09
    and thus spell themselves into forward
  • 00:47:12
    positive momentum or that you never feel
  • 00:47:15
    proud of anything you do in your life so
  • 00:47:17
    what the therapist Leon Garra proposes
  • 00:47:20
    of course running contrary to a lot of
  • 00:47:22
    cultural narratives is you can feel
  • 00:47:24
    proud of an achievement without
  • 00:47:26
    exaggerating in your
  • 00:47:28
    value appropriate Pride doesn't have to
  • 00:47:30
    snowball into fragile narcissism so what
  • 00:47:34
    we're talking about here is a healthy
  • 00:47:35
    assessment of your strengths and your
  • 00:47:37
    weaknesses without discounting one or
  • 00:47:40
    the other for example if you're a
  • 00:47:41
    Salesman you can recognize you're not
  • 00:47:43
    the best at Cold calls while still
  • 00:47:45
    cultivating a sense of pride in your
  • 00:47:47
    ability to help people face to face to
  • 00:47:50
    get technical what we're differentiating
  • 00:47:52
    between is authentic pride and hubristic
  • 00:47:55
    pride this one being the the one that's
  • 00:47:57
    most demonized authentic pride is a
  • 00:47:59
    recognition of the specific effort
  • 00:48:01
    you've put in to achieve something
  • 00:48:03
    hubristic pride is your grandiose self
  • 00:48:06
    assessment thinking oh I'm the greatest
  • 00:48:09
    of all just because I've done this thing
  • 00:48:11
    so when people argue against Pride
  • 00:48:13
    they're not differentiating between the
  • 00:48:15
    different types of Pride they're mainly
  • 00:48:17
    arguing against this thing because as
  • 00:48:19
    Leon Garba says people tend to imagine a
  • 00:48:21
    life with too much pride but fail to
  • 00:48:23
    consider a life without it and one of
  • 00:48:26
    the main messages we hear in argument
  • 00:48:29
    against pride is pride is at odds with
  • 00:48:32
    future accomplishments the standard view
  • 00:48:34
    is if you allow yourself to feel Pride
  • 00:48:36
    you'll get complacent and lazy but just
  • 00:48:40
    think about people with depression when
  • 00:48:42
    you're depressed you experience intense
  • 00:48:45
    self-doubt so when you allow yourself to
  • 00:48:47
    feel a little bit of authentic Pride you
  • 00:48:50
    create a spiral ladder of success for
  • 00:48:53
    example you get yourself out of bed you
  • 00:48:54
    brush your teeth and have a shower that
  • 00:48:56
    gives you the feeling of wanting to do a
  • 00:48:58
    workout that makes you feel proud of
  • 00:49:00
    yourself to then treat yourself with a
  • 00:49:02
    nutritious meal I'm saying this with the
  • 00:49:04
    full understanding of the religious
  • 00:49:06
    underpinning against the argument of
  • 00:49:08
    Pride but when I analyze my own life
  • 00:49:11
    even when I consciously understand pride
  • 00:49:14
    is a deadly sin and we should guard
  • 00:49:16
    against it I still naturally feel proud
  • 00:49:19
    of myself for things I don't know
  • 00:49:22
    whether that's I have to go deeper into
  • 00:49:23
    my Spiritual Development but I just
  • 00:49:26
    can't see a life in which no one feels
  • 00:49:29
    proud of anything they do so how can you
  • 00:49:31
    cultivate authentic feelings of Pride
  • 00:49:33
    and guard against narcissism well Leon
  • 00:49:36
    Garber says there's a few things you can
  • 00:49:38
    do the first thing you need to do is you
  • 00:49:39
    need to challenge your underlying
  • 00:49:41
    beliefs and assumptions as always you
  • 00:49:43
    might think if I feel satisfied and
  • 00:49:45
    proud won't it sap my motivation the
  • 00:49:48
    short answer is no think about the honic
  • 00:49:51
    treadmill we're always running on as
  • 00:49:53
    human beings always chasing for the next
  • 00:49:55
    thing and next thing never satisfied
  • 00:49:57
    it's not within our nature to be
  • 00:49:59
    satisfied as human beings your
  • 00:50:01
    personality traits don't change that
  • 00:50:03
    much throughout your life so if you are
  • 00:50:05
    the type of person who's a high achiever
  • 00:50:07
    and a go-getter you're likely always
  • 00:50:10
    going to be that way number two you
  • 00:50:11
    might think won't feeling Pride make me
  • 00:50:13
    a bad person or a narcissist the trouble
  • 00:50:16
    is that religion creates this dichotomy
  • 00:50:19
    between good and bad in the sense of it
  • 00:50:22
    sees people as either good or bad but
  • 00:50:25
    regardless of religious View because
  • 00:50:27
    we're talking about it from a
  • 00:50:28
    psychological lens is anyone ever truly
  • 00:50:31
    good your authentic Pride doesn't have
  • 00:50:34
    to conflate with your belief in God
  • 00:50:36
    remember it's a fair assessment of your
  • 00:50:40
    strengths and weaknesses thirdly you
  • 00:50:42
    might consider did I dismiss an
  • 00:50:44
    achievement because I didn't see it as
  • 00:50:46
    good as another this is something known
  • 00:50:48
    as disqualifying the positive it's
  • 00:50:50
    something your brain does where it
  • 00:50:52
    ignores positive feedback and it only
  • 00:50:55
    focuses on the negative but to combat
  • 00:50:57
    this compare your current achievements
  • 00:51:00
    to previous smaller ones not things of
  • 00:51:04
    higher magnitude and lastly you might
  • 00:51:07
    think am I denying myself Pride because
  • 00:51:09
    of unrealistic expectations by
  • 00:51:12
    unrealistic expectations we mean
  • 00:51:13
    perfectionism which is of course Very
  • 00:51:15
    toxic through the lens of perfectionism
  • 00:51:18
    you'll postpone your feelings of Pride
  • 00:51:20
    until you achieve Perfection across the
  • 00:51:22
    board but perfectionism is incredibly
  • 00:51:25
    context dependent which means if you're
  • 00:51:28
    waiting to achieve Perfection across the
  • 00:51:30
    board you're going to be waiting forever
  • 00:51:32
    until you allow yourself to feel Pride
  • 00:51:34
    think about it from an evolutionary
  • 00:51:36
    point of view an animal in one
  • 00:51:38
    environment develops a thick fur which
  • 00:51:41
    means in a warmer hotter environment
  • 00:51:43
    it's not able to flourish your
  • 00:51:45
    perfectionism has adapted itself for you
  • 00:51:47
    to thrive in one situation and it
  • 00:51:50
    doesn't carry across in other situations
  • 00:51:53
    or environments so train your yourself
  • 00:51:56
    no matter how hard it is to celebrate
  • 00:51:59
    your smaller accomplishments the second
  • 00:52:02
    thing you might like to do is something
  • 00:52:04
    called mental time travel imagine your
  • 00:52:06
    younger self thinking about who you are
  • 00:52:09
    today would they feel proud of you would
  • 00:52:11
    it surprise them to know the person
  • 00:52:13
    you've eventually become and becoming if
  • 00:52:16
    that's hard to imagine reflect back on
  • 00:52:18
    your previous achievements could your
  • 00:52:20
    younger self have imagined you achieving
  • 00:52:22
    all of those things look at yourself
  • 00:52:25
    Through The Eyes of your young younger
  • 00:52:26
    self and Marvel at who you are and at
  • 00:52:29
    times you might be annoyed at the speed
  • 00:52:31
    at which you're changing but again think
  • 00:52:33
    about Evolution does evolution happen
  • 00:52:36
    quick or slowly happen slowly silly and
  • 00:52:40
    upon this point we might as well add it
  • 00:52:41
    in here don't compare apples to oranges
  • 00:52:46
    otherwise known as take a realistic look
  • 00:52:48
    at your role models look at the people
  • 00:52:50
    you admire and really consider how long
  • 00:52:53
    did it take for them to become that
  • 00:52:54
    person you now admire that your Heroes
  • 00:52:58
    no matter how great they are didn't
  • 00:52:59
    suddenly morph into their present selves
  • 00:53:02
    like that look at their story through
  • 00:53:04
    the lens of the obstacles they faced and
  • 00:53:06
    the progression they had to go through
  • 00:53:08
    and if you hear the sound of hooves
  • 00:53:10
    assume it's a horse not a zebra which is
  • 00:53:12
    to say when someone has achieved
  • 00:53:14
    something great assume it is because of
  • 00:53:17
    an immense struggle and hard work not
  • 00:53:19
    just because of some innate Talent
  • 00:53:22
    there's three more things but we'll
  • 00:53:23
    speed them
  • 00:53:24
    off view your life istically don't
  • 00:53:27
    postpone your feeling of being proud of
  • 00:53:29
    yourself until future success comes
  • 00:53:31
    consider what do you like about your
  • 00:53:33
    life and yourself now two create Pride
  • 00:53:37
    time frames if you are a bit ambivalent
  • 00:53:39
    as to whether pride is just going to
  • 00:53:41
    make you be very lazy and be at odds
  • 00:53:43
    with future progress create specific
  • 00:53:45
    time frames in which to feel Pride
  • 00:53:48
    because it's not black or white as in
  • 00:53:50
    you're either prideful and lazy
  • 00:53:53
    or go get in and unpr prideful there's
  • 00:53:57
    gray areas so when you achieve something
  • 00:53:59
    you might say okay for the next 2 days
  • 00:54:02
    I'm going to allow myself to feel that
  • 00:54:03
    sense of Pride and then get straight
  • 00:54:06
    back to the next thing when you're done
  • 00:54:08
    and based on the effort you put into the
  • 00:54:09
    achievement use that as a time frame for
  • 00:54:13
    how long you'll allow yourself to feel
  • 00:54:14
    pride and lastly keep a record of your
  • 00:54:17
    failures and
  • 00:54:19
    achievements narcissism does not allow
  • 00:54:22
    the recognition of weakness and failures
  • 00:54:25
    so if you're worried about allowing
  • 00:54:27
    yourself to feel prideful and slipping
  • 00:54:30
    into the slippery slope of narcissism
  • 00:54:33
    each strength and thing you're proud of
  • 00:54:35
    that you record put a corresponding
  • 00:54:38
    failure and weakness to balance it out
  • 00:54:41
    you can even go so far as sharing your
  • 00:54:43
    list with other people to determine
  • 00:54:45
    whether you should feel proud of
  • 00:54:46
    something if you're really unsure but to
  • 00:54:49
    avoid the potential unhealthy obsessions
  • 00:54:51
    that self-love can spark and pride keep
  • 00:54:55
    this book ego is the Enemy by Ryan
  • 00:54:58
    holiday byy your bedside table and read
  • 00:55:00
    it every day to give yourself that
  • 00:55:02
    balance righty Ho Let's
  • 00:55:06
    summarize
  • 00:55:08
    again how does one summarize that what
  • 00:55:11
    we spoke about today was mainly
  • 00:55:13
    authentic self-esteem which is an
  • 00:55:15
    attitude towards yourself mainly
  • 00:55:17
    comprised of worthiness and capability I
  • 00:55:20
    implored you to change your time
  • 00:55:24
    perception of self-esteem from present
  • 00:55:26
    to future focused because becoming is
  • 00:55:28
    better than being mainly I want you to
  • 00:55:30
    remember to love yourself behave in ways
  • 00:55:33
    you admire because remember people with
  • 00:55:36
    high self-esteem have high self-esteem
  • 00:55:38
    because of their previous
  • 00:55:40
    accomplishments successes and obstacles
  • 00:55:42
    they faced but in more particular detail
  • 00:55:44
    the six pillars of self-esteem as
  • 00:55:46
    highlighted by Nathaniel Brandon are
  • 00:55:49
    live with awareness accept yourself take
  • 00:55:52
    responsibility assert yourself live
  • 00:55:54
    intentionally and act with integrity and
  • 00:55:58
    lastly through the lens of figuring out
  • 00:56:00
    what has affected your self-esteem
  • 00:56:01
    levels to this day you might like to see
  • 00:56:04
    your self-esteem not as a given but as
  • 00:56:06
    An Origin thank you very much for your
  • 00:56:09
    time and attention I really appreciate
  • 00:56:11
    it I hope the value exchange was worth
  • 00:56:14
    it if you made it this far into the
  • 00:56:16
    video I would love to hear that you did
  • 00:56:18
    so so go down to the comments and
  • 00:56:20
    comment an emoji of a dragon and a
  • 00:56:22
    dolphin and your favorite emoji is the
  • 00:56:25
    third one so I can like
  • 00:56:28
    it stay disciplined playful and
  • 00:56:31
    dangerous
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