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[Music]
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it is precisely at those times that
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communication is most vital to achieve
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your goals
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that conversations break down most
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dramatically that's why difficult
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conversations are scary
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the stakes are high there's a high cost
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to fail and yet that's when failure is
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most likely
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have you ever had a bad conversation yes
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yes yes yes
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are you afraid you might have a bad
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conversation tomorrow or this week
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okay we all have bad conversations
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and we're all worried that these bad
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conversations will continue
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so if we can step confidently into these
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conversations knowing
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that we can manage the process
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then a whole new world opens up
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if i push and i say you're wrong what do
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you want to do
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you're wrong and what do you think i
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want to do
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push back exactly you're wrong no you're
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wrong
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okay so now we escalate everyone's
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spending a lot of energy and where are
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we going
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nowhere nowhere we're pushing with our
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hands
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and we're pushing with our words and
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each one was trying to push the other
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person
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out by saying i am right and you're
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wrong
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and if you follow the rule when someone
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pushes
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push back you're always going to end up
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stuck
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so we need to change this but now when
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when you push i'm not going to push back
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and when you say you're wrong you're
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wrong i'm going to yield
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and say well show me what do you see
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that i don't
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you know i'm from argentina so what does
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this look like
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i'm going to turn this into a dance i
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mean she thinks she's right
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and she's saying something i don't
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because i think i'm right so the first
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step in this conversation
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is for me to look genuinely and say oh
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that's what you're seeing
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i i couldn't see it because it was
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behind me
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now she's going to give me permission to
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say can i show you what i see that you
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haven't seen before
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so let me show you and here now i'm
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going to
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turn a little more you see this was
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behind you and you couldn't see it
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you want three things out of a
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conversation you want to feel good about
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yourself
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you want to relate to the other person
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positively
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and you want to achieve your goals get
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something done solve a problem
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we're going to call these three domains
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the i the we
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and the it i is how i feel inside
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i want to be proud of myself i want to
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feel good
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we is how you and i relate
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openly respectfully kindly and
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it is well how are we going to solve our
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problems how are we going to get the
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results that we seek
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i would like to be less sure of yourself
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when you walk in saying
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well i see part of the world but i don't
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know what they're seeing
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and from their perspective what they see
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is right and unless i recognize that
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they see something that makes sense to
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them
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we can't communicate if we're not in
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contact and the early contact is a clash
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we'll never get to the topic but
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normally
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i jump to content and i imagine you do
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the same
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we just want to deal with the problem
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and we forget that how the person feels
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and how we relate is primary contact
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context and content don't jump into
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content
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before you make contact with the other
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person
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there's a saying i don't care how much
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you know
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until i know how much you care you have
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to show the other person you care
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before they will listen to what you know
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when you do this well
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it just seems so natural so easy so
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common sense
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that the other person will say we just
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had a great conversation it was really
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sweet it was nice we solved the problem
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and they will never know you're using
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anything it's just being you
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but better there are things you can
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control and things you cannot control
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you cannot control the outcome but you
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can control the process
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so let's look at what tools you can use
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to make sure you do your best in the eye
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that we and the it
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for our engineering team as we grow the
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first tool is listening
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listening well it's hard it requires
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listening to the other person fully
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which starts with not interrupting them
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you have to pay attention and be quiet
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this is especially hard when he's saying
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something that really irritates you
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your natural reaction will be to stop
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him well that's the moment of truth
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that's the moment when you stop yourself
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you stay quiet and you pay attention
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because you're really trying to
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understand
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where he is coming from what would you
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like to have happen
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so i would love for her to actually the
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second tool
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is inquiry asking questions
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what do you think why do you think what
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you think
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and what would you like given that you
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think that
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after you listen you have to let the
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other person know
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that you heard what they said well let
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me make sure i understand
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you're thinking about promoting her and
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she's thinking she's going to get fired
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exactly so there's this there's this so
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you summarize what he said
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and ask him did i get what you wanted to
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tell me
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and i've tried to reassure her it may be
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that by
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summarizing what he said he realizes now
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he didn't say something important to him
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so he'll add it
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this is a way for you to allow the other
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person your counterpart
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to share his deepest truth with you
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that's a great thing to want
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and it's totally out of my control i
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can't help you the next step of the
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conversation
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is to validate you have to acknowledge
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that what they say
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is reasonable you might be screaming
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inside
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this is crazy and maybe it's crazy for
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you
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but i guarantee it's not crazy for him
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that's why he's saying
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it so let me try something i
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i'd like to now comes the crucial part
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is to express your view safely
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there's safety in i when you speak in
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first person
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you're not imposing your view on the
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other person you're simply
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telling them what you think or what you
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feel
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notice the difference between you don't
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know what you're talking about
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and i don't understand what you're
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saying
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here's a suggestion what if we the next
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step of the conversation
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is to actually engage in a negotiation
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you want to resolve the problem together
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see most people think of negotiation how
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do i get what i want i want to lower the
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price i'll push you and you know you'll
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sell it to me for less or i'm going to
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sell it to you for more
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but this is really a negotiation we're
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negotiating how can we make this safe
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for both of us right the last step of a
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constructive conversation
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is to formalize the agreement into a
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series of commitments
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it's very different to agree than to
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promise
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another typical thing that happens in
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conversation is we're so happy we agreed
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and said great now we walk away and we
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yeah we agreed but but nobody knows
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what's going to happen next
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so the last step of every conversation
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is always what are we going to do next
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let's make a commitment
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and there's no commitment without time
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so i said by when
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can you prepare will we do this tomorrow
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we'll meet in my office we'll make this
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plan so it's very clear
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but it's not just a next step it's a
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next step that we agreed and we both
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commit to
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at the end of the conversation you can
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do a process check
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to evaluate how did it go and is there
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anything you can learn to make it better
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next time
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the three areas to check are the i the
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we and they
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it do you feel good does your
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counterpart feel good
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have you related positively have you
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gotten what you want
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has she gotten what you want so what
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conversation are you afraid to have
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and what can you do about it let me make
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a suggestion
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first connect with yourself ask yourself
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what do i really want what do i want to
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express what do i want to ask
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how do i want to relate to this other
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person
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then practice it so you can stay
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connected to yourself when the
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conversation heats up
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and then step into it
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[Music]
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you
