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All right, I want to see a show of hands:
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how many of you have
unfriended someone on Facebook
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because they said something offensive
about politics or religion,
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childcare, food?
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(Laughter)
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And how many of you
know at least one person that you avoid
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because you just don't want
to talk to them?
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(Laughter)
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You know, it used to be that in order
to have a polite conversation,
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we just had to follow the advice
of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":
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Stick to the weather and your health.
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But these days, with climate change
and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --
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(Laughter)
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are not safe either.
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So this world that we live in,
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this world in which every conversation
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has the potential
to devolve into an argument,
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where our politicians
can't speak to one another
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and where even the most trivial of issues
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have someone fighting both passionately
for it and against it, it's not normal.
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Pew Research did a study
of 10,000 American adults,
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and they found that at this moment,
we are more polarized,
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we are more divided,
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than we ever have been in history.
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We're less likely to compromise,
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which means we're
not listening to each other.
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And we make decisions about where to live,
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who to marry and even
who our friends are going to be,
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based on what we already believe.
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Again, that means
we're not listening to each other.
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A conversation requires a balance
between talking and listening,
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and somewhere along the way,
we lost that balance.
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Now, part of that is due to technology.
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The smartphones that you all
either have in your hands
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or close enough that you could
grab them really quickly.
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According to Pew Research,
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about a third of American teenagers
send more than a hundred texts a day.
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And many of them, almost most of them,
are more likely to text their friends
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than they are to talk
to them face to face.
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There's this great piece in The Atlantic.
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It was written by a high school teacher
named Paul Barnwell.
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And he gave his kids
a communication project.
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He wanted to teach them how to speak
on a specific subject without using notes.
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And he said this: “I came to realize...”
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(Laughter)
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"I came to realize
that conversational competence
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might be the single
most overlooked skill we fail to teach.
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Kids spend hours each day engaging
with ideas and each other through screens,
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but rarely do they have an opportunity
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to hone their interpersonal
communications skills.
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It might sound like a funny question,
but we have to ask ourselves:
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Is there any 21st-century skill
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more important than being able to sustain
coherent, confident conversation?"
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Now, I make my living talking to people:
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Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,
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billionaires, kindergarten teachers,
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heads of state, plumbers.
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I talk to people that I like.
I talk to people that I don’t like.
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I talk to some people that I disagree with
deeply on a personal level.
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But I still have
a great conversation with them.
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So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes
or so teaching you how to talk
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and how to listen.
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Many of you have already heard
a lot of advice on this,
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things like look the person in the eye,
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think of interesting topics
to discuss in advance,
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look, nod and smile to show
that you're paying attention,
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repeat back what you just heard
or summarize it.
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So I want you to forget all of that.
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It is crap.
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(Laughter)
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There is no reason to learn
how to show you're paying attention
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if you are in fact paying attention.
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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Now, I actually use the exact
same skills as a professional interviewer
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that I do in regular life.
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So, I'm going to teach you
how to interview people,
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and that's actually going to help you
learn how to be better conversationalists.
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Learn to have a conversation
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without wasting your time,
without getting bored,
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and, please God,
without offending anybody.
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We've all had really great conversations.
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We've had them before.
We know what it's like.
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The kind of conversation where you
walk away feeling engaged and inspired,
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or where you feel
like you've made a real connection
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or you've been perfectly understood.
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There is no reason
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why most of your interactions
can't be like that.
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So I have 10 basic rules.
I'm going to walk you through all of them,
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but honestly, if you just choose
one of them and master it,
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you'll already enjoy better conversations.
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Number one: Don't multitask.
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And I don't mean
just set down your cell phone
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or your tablet or your car keys
or whatever is in your hand.
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I mean, be present.
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Be in that moment.
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Don't think about your argument
you had with your boss.
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Don't think about what
you're going to have for dinner.
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If you want to get out
of the conversation,
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get out of the conversation,
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but don't be half in it
and half out of it.
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Number two: Don't pontificate.
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If you want to state your opinion
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without any opportunity for response
or argument or pushback or growth,
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write a blog.
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(Laughter)
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Now, there's a really good reason
why I don't allow pundits on my show:
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Because they're really boring.
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If they're conservative, they're going to
hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.
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If they're liberal, they're going to hate
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big banks and oil corporations
and Dick Cheney.
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Totally predictable.
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And you don't want to be like that.
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You need to enter every conversation
assuming that you have something to learn.
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The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said
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that true listening requires
a setting aside of oneself.
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And sometimes that means
setting aside your personal opinion.
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He said that sensing this acceptance,
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the speaker will become
less and less vulnerable
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and more and more likely
to open up the inner recesses
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of his or her mind to the listener.
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Again, assume that you have
something to learn.
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Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet
knows something that you don't."
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I put it this way:
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Everybody is an expert in something.
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Number three: Use open-ended questions.
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In this case, take a cue from journalists.
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Start your questions with who,
what, when, where, why or how.
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If you put in a complicated question,
you're going to get a simple answer out.
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If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"
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you're going to respond to the most
powerful word in that sentence,
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which is "terrified," and the answer is
"Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."
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"Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."
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Let them describe it.
They're the ones that know.
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Try asking them things like,
"What was that like?"
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"How did that feel?"
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Because then they might have to stop
for a moment and think about it,
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and you're going to get
a much more interesting response.
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Number four: Go with the flow.
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That means thoughts
will come into your mind
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and you need to let them
go out of your mind.
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We've heard interviews often
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in which a guest is talking
for several minutes
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and then the host comes back in
and asks a question
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which seems like it comes out of nowhere,
or it's already been answered.
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That means the host probably
stopped listening two minutes ago
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because he thought
of this really clever question,
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and he was just bound
and determined to say that.
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And we do the exact same thing.
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We're sitting there having
a conversation with someone,
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and then we remember that time
that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.
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(Laughter)
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And we stop listening.
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Stories and ideas
are going to come to you.
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You need to let them come and let them go.
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Number five: If you don't know,
say that you don't know.
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Now, people on the radio,
especially on NPR,
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are much more aware
that they're going on the record,
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and so they're more careful
about what they claim to be an expert in
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and what they claim to know for sure.
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Do that. Err on the side of caution.
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Talk should not be cheap.
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Number six: Don't equate
your experience with theirs.
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If they're talking
about having lost a family member,
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don't start talking about the time
you lost a family member.
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If they're talking about the trouble
they're having at work,
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don't tell them about
how much you hate your job.
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It's not the same. It is never the same.
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All experiences are individual.
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And, more importantly,
it is not about you.
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You don't need to take that moment
to prove how amazing you are
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or how much you've suffered.
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Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once
what his IQ was, and he said,
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"I have no idea. People who brag
about their IQs are losers."
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(Laughter)
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Conversations are not
a promotional opportunity.
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Number seven:
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Try not to repeat yourself.
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It's condescending,
and it's really boring,
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and we tend to do it a lot.
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Especially in work conversations
or in conversations with our kids,
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we have a point to make,
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so we just keep rephrasing it
over and over.
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Don't do that.
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Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.
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Frankly, people don't care
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about the years, the names,
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the dates, all those details
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that you're struggling
to come up with in your mind.
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They don't care.
What they care about is you.
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They care about what you're like,
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what you have in common.
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So forget the details. Leave them out.
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Number nine:
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This is not the last one,
but it is the most important one.
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Listen.
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I cannot tell you how many
really important people have said
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that listening is perhaps the most,
the number one most important skill
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that you could develop.
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Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,
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"If your mouth is open,
you're not learning."
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And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man
ever listened his way out of a job."
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(Laughter)
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Why do we not listen to each other?
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Number one, we'd rather talk.
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When I'm talking, I'm in control.
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I don't have to hear anything
I'm not interested in.
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I'm the center of attention.
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I can bolster my own identity.
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But there's another reason:
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We get distracted.
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The average person talks
at about 225 word per minute,
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but we can listen at up to
500 words per minute.
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So our minds are filling in
those other 275 words.
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And look, I know,
it takes effort and energy
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to actually pay attention to someone,
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but if you can't do that,
you're not in a conversation.
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You're just two people shouting out
barely related sentences
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in the same place.
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(Laughter)
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You have to listen to one another.
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Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.
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He said, "Most of us don't listen
with the intent to understand.
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We listen with the intent to reply."
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One more rule, number 10,
and it’s this one: Be brief.
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Be interested in other people.
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You know, I grew up
with a very famous grandfather,
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and there was kind of a ritual
in my home.
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People would come over
to talk to my grandparents,
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and after they would leave,
my mother would come over to us,
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and she’d say,
“Do you know who that was?
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She was the runner-up to Miss America.
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He was the mayor of Sacramento.
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She won a Pulitzer Prize.
He's a Russian ballet dancer."
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And I kind of grew up assuming
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everyone has some hidden,
amazing thing about them.
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And honestly, I think
it's what makes me a better host.
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I keep my mouth shut
as often as I possibly can.
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I keep my mind open.
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And I’m always prepared to be amazed,
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and I'm never disappointed.
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You do the same thing.
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Go out, talk to people,
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listen to people,
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and, most importantly,
be prepared to be amazed.
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Thanks.
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(Applause)
