How Dysthymia Steals Your Happiness

00:35:59
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIh1UkkxAQM

Summary

TLDRNel video si discute dell'andimia, una forma di depressione persistente caratterizzata dall'incapacità di trarre piacere dalle proprie azioni. Le persone con andimia spesso dipendono emotivamente da "altri dominanti" per il loro senso di soddisfazione, che può derivare da genitori con aspettative irrealistiche o che richiedono continuamente supporto dal figlio. Questo comportamento conduce a schemi in cui la felicità è percepita come un risultato di fattori esterni. Le soluzioni standard come la terapia e l'uso di farmaci spesso non sono efficaci. Il video suggerisce invece una serie di approcci che coinvolgono un lavoro interno per cercare la gratificazione indipendentemente dalla convalida esterna, come esplorare il senso di colpa associato a attività piacevoli e praticare l'indipendenza emotiva.

Takeaways

  • 🔍 Capire l'andimia come una depressione cronica non episodica.
  • ❌ Le soluzioni comuni come terapia e farmaci non sempre funzionano.
  • 👶 Dipendenza dagli "altri dominanti" inizia spesso nell'infanzia.
  • 📝 L'importanza di trovare gratificazione nelle proprie azioni.
  • ⚖️ Equilibrio tra piacere interno e gratificazioni esterne è essenziale.
  • 🚫 Evitare di cadere nel circolo vizioso della ricerca di approvazione esterna.
  • 🧠 Necessità di psicoterapia focalizzata sul lavoro interiore.
  • 📊 Studi mostrano che bron agisce meglio della farmacologia.
  • 👥 Importanza di condividere esperienze tra persone con similia.
  • 🔄 Lavoro progressivo e sequenziale è cruciale per il recupero.

Timeline

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    Le persone affette da ditemia non riescono a trovare piacere dalle loro azioni, nonostante facciano "tutto giusto" secondo la scienza. A differenza delle persone con depressione episodica, coloro che hanno ditemia sono depressi costantemente e tradizionali soluzioni terapie e farmaci non funzionano efficacemente. L'autore ha avuto successo con alcuni pazienti, ma sottolinea la difficoltà trattare la ditemia.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    C'è un concetto nella letteratura psicoanalitica chiamato 'altro dominante', che spiega come alcune persone traggano tutto il loro autostima e piacere dal riconoscimento esterno. Questo causa una dipendenza patologica e una mancanza di gratificazione interna, rendendo difficile per queste persone trarre piacere autonomamente dalle proprie attività e successi.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    I bambini con genitori troppo esigenti sviluppano una dipendenza per l'accettazione esterna perché i loro sforzi non sono mai abbastanza buoni. Inoltre, in alcune situazioni, i bambini si prendono cura di un genitore malato, creando la concezione che la felicità è controllata solo da fattori esterni.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    Questo tipo di persona cresce senza la capacità di essere felice da solo, poiché tutta la felicità percepita proviene dall'esterno e qualsiasi attività auto-gratificante viene vissuta con sensi di colpa. La letteratura suggerisce che questi individui evitino esperienze piacevoli percepite come inefficaci o indulgenti.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:25:00

    Le persone con ditemia tendono a rivolgersi a comportamenti 'dopaminergici' come l'uso di sostanze o esperienze di brivido per cercare piacere, dato che gli fornisce un breve sfogo dopaminergico. Queste attività, tuttavia, non colmano la mancanza di gratificazione interna e possono portare a sentimenti persistenti di vuoto.

  • 00:25:00 - 00:30:00

    Per trattare la ditemia, è importante cercare attività indipendenti e tentare di provare piacere internamente. Questo richiede notare e affrontare sensi di colpa associati alle attività piacevoli, tentando di trovare gratificazione autonoma nelle azioni quotidiane e liberarsi dalla dipendenza emotiva dagli altri.

  • 00:30:00 - 00:35:59

    La guarigione dalla ditemia richiede lavori interni significativi e non basta semplicemente provare a diventare più indipendenti. Anche se puoi costruire una vita che sembra esternamente "corretta", le vere fondamenta interne devono essere lavorate e sviluppate per trovare un vero senso di libertà e piacere autonomo.

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Mind Map

Mind Map

Frequently Asked Question

  • Cos'è l'andimia?

    L'andimia è una forma di depressione cronica in cui una persona è sempre depressa anziché attraversare episodi depressivi periodici.

  • Come si può trattare l'andimia?

    Le strategie includono riconoscere i modelli di dipendenza emotiva, esplorare attività indipendenti e cercare terapia che enfatizzi lo scoperta della soddisfazione interna.

  • Quali sono le cause principali dell'andimia?

    Le persone tendono a vivere costantemente sotto depressione senza trarne piacere dagli sforzi personali, a causa di aspettative eccessive o di un ambiente che richiede costantemente la loro presenza per qualcuno, spesso un genitore.

  • La terapia tradizionale funziona per l'andimia?

    No, la terapia convenzionale non sempre funziona per l'andimia poiché spesso si basa sull'idea che la felicità possa arrivare dall'esterno, ripetendo così il ciclo che deve essere rotto.

  • Qual è un segno comune di andimia?

    La dipendenza emotiva da un "altro dominante" per l'autostima e la soddisfazione personale è un segno comune di andimia.

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  • 00:00:00
    if we look at these people the main
  • 00:00:02
    problem that they have is they cannot
  • 00:00:04
    derive a sense of pleasure from their
  • 00:00:07
    own actions they're doing all the right
  • 00:00:10
    stuff right they've done a lot of
  • 00:00:12
    research and it doesn't seem to work but
  • 00:00:14
    then there is a second component which
  • 00:00:16
    is like patting myself on the back and
  • 00:00:18
    this helps most human beings feel good
  • 00:00:21
    the problem with people who have dymia
  • 00:00:23
    is that that part is absent so normally
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    when we think about depression we think
  • 00:00:28
    about it like an episodic thing so human
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    beings will get depressed for some
  • 00:00:32
    amount of time maybe after a breakup or
  • 00:00:35
    after they lose their job or some kind
  • 00:00:36
    of setback and then there's this idea
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    that human beings will kind of bounce
  • 00:00:40
    back about 30 to 50% of people will
  • 00:00:43
    experience depression at some point in
  • 00:00:45
    their life but there's another group of
  • 00:00:47
    people who seem to be depressed all the
  • 00:00:50
    time depression isn't something that
  • 00:00:52
    happens to them it is a characteristic
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    of their life it is a constant and this
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    is what we call this thyia and the
  • 00:01:00
    problem with dymia is that it is very
  • 00:01:03
    very hard to treat so when I work with
  • 00:01:05
    people with dymia I'll start with a very
  • 00:01:07
    common psychiatric question so when did
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    your Depression start and they'll say
  • 00:01:10
    that I've been depressed my whole life
  • 00:01:12
    it is my constant way of being and then
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    the other problem with people who have
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    dymia is that Solutions tend to not work
  • 00:01:20
    so a very common experience for these
  • 00:01:21
    people is that other people around them
  • 00:01:24
    will be like oh you're sad like why
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    don't you go for a run why don't you you
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    know just put yourself out there try to
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    socialize more pick up a hobby and
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    they'll even say things like man maybe
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    you should see a psychiatrist or
  • 00:01:36
    therapist you should start meditating
  • 00:01:38
    all of these things that have a lot of
  • 00:01:40
    scientific evidence but for some reason
  • 00:01:43
    when you are dymic these things don't
  • 00:01:46
    appear to work and there's actually
  • 00:01:47
    literature that backs that up and that's
  • 00:01:50
    the real challenge of being dymic you're
  • 00:01:53
    depressed all the time and the standard
  • 00:01:55
    solutions for some reason don't seem to
  • 00:01:58
    work for you you may meditate you may
  • 00:02:00
    start journaling you start going for
  • 00:02:01
    walks and this is what happens when I
  • 00:02:03
    work with these people like when these
  • 00:02:04
    are my patients is that they're doing
  • 00:02:06
    all the right stuff right they've done a
  • 00:02:09
    lot of research they're very very like
  • 00:02:10
    self-motivated they felt this way for a
  • 00:02:12
    long time and they've tried a lot of
  • 00:02:14
    stuff and it doesn't seem to work so
  • 00:02:16
    today what we're going to dive into is
  • 00:02:19
    understanding why this depressive almost
  • 00:02:22
    personality or characteristic develops
  • 00:02:24
    how it develops and thankfully what to
  • 00:02:27
    do about it because while a lot of
  • 00:02:28
    studies show that things like theapy and
  • 00:02:30
    medication are not as effective for d
  • 00:02:33
    thyia as opposed to something like major
  • 00:02:35
    depressive disorder I've actually had a
  • 00:02:37
    lot of success with some patients who
  • 00:02:39
    have been dymic and they've actually
  • 00:02:41
    learned how to sort of change their life
  • 00:02:43
    in a pretty significant way at the same
  • 00:02:45
    time I've also had two patients in my
  • 00:02:48
    career that had D thyia and really
  • 00:02:50
    didn't get better so I have to be a you
  • 00:02:53
    know offer a little bit of a caveat here
  • 00:02:54
    that like what we're going to lay out
  • 00:02:56
    today I think is a very very solid
  • 00:02:59
    solution ution for D thyia and at the
  • 00:03:02
    same time it's something that is very
  • 00:03:04
    very like refractory to treatment in a
  • 00:03:06
    lot of ways and there's a reason why
  • 00:03:09
    people who suffer from dymia will often
  • 00:03:11
    times go to therapy and not get
  • 00:03:13
    magically better hey y'all if you're
  • 00:03:14
    interested in applying some of the
  • 00:03:16
    principles that we discuss to your life
  • 00:03:18
    to actually create change check out Dr
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    synthesize my years of training as a
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    experience as a psychiatrist to cover
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    common topics like medit ADHD and Trauma
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    our free resource packs which are also
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    linked below so definitely check them
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    out so let's dive into understanding
  • 00:03:54
    where dymia comes from how is it that
  • 00:03:56
    someone can you know grow up and Beed
  • 00:03:59
    pressed all the time and this is what's
  • 00:04:01
    really cool we've sort of like figured
  • 00:04:03
    it out right there's this concept of
  • 00:04:05
    something called the dominant other so
  • 00:04:07
    it's interesting because in the
  • 00:04:08
    psychoanalytic literature they had to
  • 00:04:10
    develop new vocabulary to describe these
  • 00:04:13
    people's experiences because their
  • 00:04:15
    experience of life is so different from
  • 00:04:18
    normal people and that's what we want to
  • 00:04:20
    share with you today so we're going to
  • 00:04:21
    develop some new vocabulary so let's
  • 00:04:23
    take a quick look at a paper so this was
  • 00:04:25
    a concept that was actually discovered
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    um in about 196 right so this is stuff
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    that's pretty old and I think this is a
  • 00:04:32
    really good description of it so one of
  • 00:04:35
    the characteristics of the depressive
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    that has been emphasized is excessive
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    dependency on a dominant other as a
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    source of meaning and gratification the
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    depressive excessively derives his sense
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    of self his self his self-esteem from
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    being rewarded by the dominant other and
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    appears incapable of securing
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    satisfaction independent of this
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    intermediary now I know that was kind of
  • 00:04:59
    a mouthful so we'll sort of explain it
  • 00:05:00
    okay so here's how most human beings
  • 00:05:03
    work so I am over here I am a human and
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    there is something outside of me like a
  • 00:05:09
    parent or um a company you know there's
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    something outside of me and if we look
  • 00:05:15
    at most human beings we derive our
  • 00:05:18
    self-esteem and even a sense of pleasure
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    okay from our relationship with this
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    other thing so for example when I'm
  • 00:05:26
    growing up and I have a set of parents
  • 00:05:28
    and if you think about like where my
  • 00:05:30
    self-esteem comes from if my parents are
  • 00:05:32
    proud then that increases my self-esteem
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    okay but for people who are not dymic
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    this is really important to understand
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    we get some amount of pleasure and
  • 00:05:45
    self-esteem from this but we also derive
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    some degree of pleasure and self-esteem
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    internally right so if I take a child
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    who's like like you know when I was a
  • 00:05:54
    kid right I would like to play with
  • 00:05:56
    Legos and when I'm playing with Legos
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    like the pleasure that I derive from
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    that and the self-esteem that I get from
  • 00:06:03
    building something cool has nothing to
  • 00:06:05
    do with things outside of myself the
  • 00:06:08
    basic problem with people with dymia is
  • 00:06:10
    that they actually get 100% of their
  • 00:06:13
    sense of
  • 00:06:14
    self-esteem and even a sense of pleasure
  • 00:06:17
    and gratification from the dominant
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    other and we see this in the literature
  • 00:06:21
    as well this pathological dependency is
  • 00:06:24
    exemplified in the depressive sphere of
  • 00:06:26
    autonomous gratification meaning the
  • 00:06:29
    ility to dve pleasure directly from
  • 00:06:31
    one's activities or accomplishments okay
  • 00:06:34
    if we look at these people the main
  • 00:06:37
    problem that they have is they cannot
  • 00:06:38
    derive a sense of pleasure from their
  • 00:06:42
    own actions they don't derive a sense of
  • 00:06:45
    like internal self-esteem and this
  • 00:06:46
    explains why Solutions don't work for
  • 00:06:49
    them so now we have to understand
  • 00:06:51
    something about a solution so let's say
  • 00:06:53
    I go to therapy or I do anything else
  • 00:06:55
    let's say I I Journal so when I Journal
  • 00:06:58
    there are two places
  • 00:07:00
    where the value of journaling come from
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    one place is from the journal itself
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    right the exercise itself brings some
  • 00:07:07
    amount of like insight into my life but
  • 00:07:10
    then there is a second component which
  • 00:07:13
    brings progress and self-esteem which is
  • 00:07:15
    like patting myself on the back and
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    saying you know what I did Journal good
  • 00:07:19
    for me I am taking steps to improve my
  • 00:07:22
    life and this helps most human beings
  • 00:07:24
    feel feel good the problem with people
  • 00:07:27
    who have dymia is that that part is
  • 00:07:30
    absent so the most that they can ever
  • 00:07:32
    get from an activity like journaling is
  • 00:07:35
    50% because even though we sort of place
  • 00:07:38
    100% emphasis on the things outside of
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    us we cannot derive 100% pleasure from
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    things outside of us and that may be a
  • 00:07:46
    little bit confusing but it's sort of
  • 00:07:47
    like fundamentally as human beings you
  • 00:07:50
    know I can't derive 100% of my pleasure
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    from things outside of me some of that
  • 00:07:56
    has to come from me so if I let's take
  • 00:07:58
    the example of like mountain clim CL in
  • 00:07:59
    right so if I climb when I was you know
  • 00:08:01
    22 years old I went and I climbed um a a
  • 00:08:04
    a 14,000 ft Mountain okay so when you
  • 00:08:07
    climb a 14,000 ft Mountain there's a
  • 00:08:10
    certain amount of pleasure that comes
  • 00:08:12
    from the experience you stand at the top
  • 00:08:14
    of the mountain you look around you're
  • 00:08:15
    like wow this is magnificent but that's
  • 00:08:17
    not where the majority of the pleasure
  • 00:08:20
    comes from the majority of the pleasure
  • 00:08:21
    comes from holy crap I woke up at 4: in
  • 00:08:24
    the morning this morning I I started
  • 00:08:26
    climbing at 6:30 a.m. and I clim clim
  • 00:08:29
    for 8 hours and I've now accomplished
  • 00:08:32
    this feat there's a sense of autonomous
  • 00:08:34
    or internal gratification and this is
  • 00:08:37
    what is denied to people with this thyia
  • 00:08:40
    this is also why people with dymia why
  • 00:08:42
    Solutions don't work for them because
  • 00:08:44
    they go on and they they're like okay so
  • 00:08:45
    someone's saying go climb a mountain
  • 00:08:47
    they climb a mountain but they only get
  • 00:08:49
    50% of the pleasure people say start
  • 00:08:51
    journaling they only get 50% of the
  • 00:08:53
    pleasure people say start meditating
  • 00:08:54
    they only get 50% of the pleasure they
  • 00:08:57
    are denied this sense of internal
  • 00:09:00
    accomplishment so then the question
  • 00:09:01
    naturally becomes why is that how are
  • 00:09:04
    these people different and this is where
  • 00:09:05
    you see particular patterns in these
  • 00:09:07
    people's upbringing so I'll illustrate
  • 00:09:09
    what I've seen very commonly kind of as
  • 00:09:12
    a therapist okay so the first is that
  • 00:09:14
    there's something outside of you that
  • 00:09:16
    determines all of your self-esteem so
  • 00:09:19
    this can be something as simple as
  • 00:09:21
    parents who expected way too much of you
  • 00:09:23
    so when I work with patients these are
  • 00:09:25
    the kinds of things where it's like okay
  • 00:09:27
    if I get a 95 on a test and I get an A+
  • 00:09:32
    my parents are still unhappy with me
  • 00:09:34
    because I'm not number one in the class
  • 00:09:36
    that kid down the street is number one
  • 00:09:38
    in the class my you know my I'm a doctor
  • 00:09:42
    practicing in in this particular City
  • 00:09:44
    and there's a colleague of mine who's
  • 00:09:46
    also a Doctor Who's practicing the in
  • 00:09:48
    this particular City and that
  • 00:09:50
    colleague's child is number one and
  • 00:09:53
    you're not number one therefore I feel
  • 00:09:55
    inferior and nothing you do is ever good
  • 00:09:58
    enough so if you sort of grow up with
  • 00:10:00
    this kind of pattern what that means is
  • 00:10:02
    that like your sense of
  • 00:10:04
    gratification comes entirely from this
  • 00:10:07
    omnipotent being right you struggle so
  • 00:10:10
    hard to do a good job and if this
  • 00:10:13
    powerful figure above you that dominates
  • 00:10:16
    your life is happy then you are happy
  • 00:10:18
    and if they are unhappy then you are
  • 00:10:20
    unhappy their parents don't allow their
  • 00:10:23
    children to be happy on their own so
  • 00:10:26
    what this results in is I'm over here
  • 00:10:28
    right and then there's here's the
  • 00:10:29
    dominant other here's my parent and
  • 00:10:31
    normally 50% of my self-esteem comes
  • 00:10:33
    from my parents 50% comes from me but in
  • 00:10:36
    people who are dymic this 50% gets
  • 00:10:39
    converted over here to 100% and now my
  • 00:10:42
    whole life is about satisfying this
  • 00:10:45
    person now this does something very very
  • 00:10:48
    subtle and very very important which is
  • 00:10:50
    that this person then the child learns
  • 00:10:54
    one really important lesson about life
  • 00:10:56
    happiness from the
  • 00:10:59
    outside right they are
  • 00:11:01
    denied the ability to be happy with
  • 00:11:05
    themselves now this frames the way that
  • 00:11:08
    they start to live life but there are a
  • 00:11:10
    couple of other scenarios that can
  • 00:11:12
    result in this fundamental change so
  • 00:11:15
    this is another one that I think often
  • 00:11:16
    times is missed by a lot of people this
  • 00:11:18
    is so interesting sometimes the dominant
  • 00:11:21
    other is actually someone that you as a
  • 00:11:24
    child take care of so this is going to
  • 00:11:26
    be kind of hard to understand so I'm
  • 00:11:28
    going to try to explain it but it's
  • 00:11:29
    really important to understand okay so
  • 00:11:31
    sometimes I've worked with patients who
  • 00:11:32
    have parents who are like physically ill
  • 00:11:35
    chronically ill and what happens is this
  • 00:11:38
    parent starts to rely on the child for
  • 00:11:42
    their health their happiness and their
  • 00:11:44
    well-being so I have Mom or Dad who's
  • 00:11:46
    chronically ill and whether they have a
  • 00:11:48
    good day or they have a bad day depends
  • 00:11:52
    entirely upon me so if I'm available to
  • 00:11:55
    take care of them and cook them the food
  • 00:11:57
    that they need and if I'm available able
  • 00:11:59
    to like bring them a report card that
  • 00:12:01
    shows them an A+ like now this person is
  • 00:12:04
    so miserable but I can bring them Joy if
  • 00:12:08
    I work extra hard and I bring home an A+
  • 00:12:10
    report card my parent who's complaining
  • 00:12:13
    all the time suffering all the time now
  • 00:12:14
    they'll look at me and I see a slight
  • 00:12:16
    smile and I'm like oh thank God I can
  • 00:12:17
    make their day a little bit better the
  • 00:12:19
    parents's happiness depends on the child
  • 00:12:22
    now you may wonder how does this create
  • 00:12:23
    a situation of dominant other so this is
  • 00:12:26
    what's really interesting it's the same
  • 00:12:28
    kind of situation because what the child
  • 00:12:30
    learns is an adult's happiness is not in
  • 00:12:35
    their control an adult's happiness
  • 00:12:37
    depends on the circumstances around them
  • 00:12:40
    right so if you are someone who has a
  • 00:12:42
    parent who's chronically ill what you as
  • 00:12:44
    a child will learn is a human being's
  • 00:12:47
    happiness has nothing to do with them
  • 00:12:49
    their parent doesn't exercise any
  • 00:12:52
    autonomy or responsibility over their
  • 00:12:55
    own happiness so the principle is is the
  • 00:12:57
    same it's just kind of in the opposite
  • 00:12:59
    direction so in this scenario right
  • 00:13:01
    here's the child and here's the parent
  • 00:13:05
    and the parent is sick so what does the
  • 00:13:07
    parents happiness depend on it depends
  • 00:13:09
    100% on the actions of the child is my
  • 00:13:12
    child getting good grades you know are
  • 00:13:14
    they available to rub my feet administer
  • 00:13:17
    medicine right all kinds of stuff so
  • 00:13:19
    what is the child learning about the
  • 00:13:22
    script or the way that the world works
  • 00:13:25
    this person's happiness is 100 dependent
  • 00:13:28
    on this person person's actions and so
  • 00:13:30
    then what happens is as this child grows
  • 00:13:33
    up now you're in this column and now
  • 00:13:36
    what you're thinking is my happiness
  • 00:13:38
    depends on this external thing depends
  • 00:13:40
    on this external thing this external
  • 00:13:42
    thing and this external thing and here's
  • 00:13:44
    the thing that makes me just incredibly
  • 00:13:45
    sad which is that people who are grow up
  • 00:13:49
    in this pattern who are dymic when
  • 00:13:51
    they're growing up their parents can
  • 00:13:53
    count on you right because you're like
  • 00:13:55
    working so hard to make your parents
  • 00:13:56
    happy the problem is when you grow up to
  • 00:13:58
    be an adult
  • 00:13:59
    there is no one that you can count on in
  • 00:14:02
    the way that your parents could count on
  • 00:14:04
    you right you s sort of started to craft
  • 00:14:06
    your entire life around your parent but
  • 00:14:10
    when you grow into an adult no one else
  • 00:14:12
    is willing to make that sacrifice on
  • 00:14:13
    your behalf and so then you run into
  • 00:14:16
    serious trouble there are a couple of
  • 00:14:18
    other features that I tend to see in my
  • 00:14:20
    patients with desia so let's see if this
  • 00:14:22
    tracks for you so one is that they like
  • 00:14:25
    think a lot of things are frivolous so
  • 00:14:27
    often times growing up like they parents
  • 00:14:29
    or their conditioning or their
  • 00:14:30
    upbringing or their thought process now
  • 00:14:32
    is like this is frivolous like you
  • 00:14:34
    should this is silly like we shouldn't
  • 00:14:36
    spend our time what do you mean like
  • 00:14:37
    waste a whole day doing nothing like
  • 00:14:39
    that's a waste of time sometimes they
  • 00:14:41
    think that things are frivolous
  • 00:14:43
    sometimes they think that things are
  • 00:14:44
    inefficient sometimes they feel it's
  • 00:14:47
    like too indulgent to do this thing the
  • 00:14:49
    concept of treating yourself is like
  • 00:14:51
    completely foreign to them often times
  • 00:14:54
    the other thing that we see in people
  • 00:14:55
    with Damia is that their attempts at
  • 00:14:58
    self-gratification
  • 00:14:59
    are accompanied by intense feelings of
  • 00:15:02
    guilt right so if we go back to the
  • 00:15:04
    scenario of parent who's got health
  • 00:15:06
    problems and then you one day sort of
  • 00:15:09
    are like well I want to go to like I
  • 00:15:10
    want to go to prom or I want to go to a
  • 00:15:12
    party with my friends and then when you
  • 00:15:14
    go to a party with your friends you feel
  • 00:15:16
    an intense sense of guilt and where does
  • 00:15:18
    that come from right because your parent
  • 00:15:20
    is sitting there they're lying in bed
  • 00:15:21
    and they're like oh like you know you
  • 00:15:23
    should go and have fun I'll be okay like
  • 00:15:25
    you know it's okay like I I I can't
  • 00:15:27
    really make myself food but I'll be all
  • 00:15:29
    right like you should go and live your
  • 00:15:30
    life right don't leave me here like
  • 00:15:32
    you're you I don't want you to ruin your
  • 00:15:34
    life because of me like don't do that
  • 00:15:36
    and then your parent starts crying and
  • 00:15:38
    then they feel bad they're telling you
  • 00:15:40
    oh go and live your life but how do you
  • 00:15:42
    feel looking at this you're like I can't
  • 00:15:44
    I can't [ __ ] leave right like my
  • 00:15:46
    parent is willing to make all of the
  • 00:15:47
    sacrifice and they suffering so much oh
  • 00:15:49
    I won't go I I'll sort of stay here so
  • 00:15:52
    once again the problem here is that you
  • 00:15:54
    get conditioned you get conditioned that
  • 00:15:56
    any kind of pleasurable activity you
  • 00:15:59
    take automatically has a sense of guilt
  • 00:16:02
    that comes with it and this is true of
  • 00:16:04
    the person the the child who grows up
  • 00:16:06
    with super high expectations as well
  • 00:16:08
    right so I got a 95 on a test I didn't
  • 00:16:09
    get 100 you want to play video games
  • 00:16:11
    that's a waste you should get a 100
  • 00:16:13
    first so all of these pleasurable
  • 00:16:15
    activities that you want to engage in
  • 00:16:17
    are actually denied pleasure right so
  • 00:16:20
    when you engage in the activity you
  • 00:16:21
    don't experience pleasure instead what
  • 00:16:24
    you feel is like guilt or shame or that
  • 00:16:26
    you should be doing something else or
  • 00:16:27
    this is a waste of time
  • 00:16:29
    and now we begin to see how this creates
  • 00:16:31
    D thyia because what is this what are
  • 00:16:33
    these people's experiences of Life their
  • 00:16:36
    experience of life is that things don't
  • 00:16:39
    bring bring them pleasure right other
  • 00:16:41
    people are able to socialize they're
  • 00:16:42
    able to go to parties they're able to go
  • 00:16:44
    on vacation but people with chronic
  • 00:16:46
    dymia there's always this depression
  • 00:16:49
    lurking in the background that is
  • 00:16:51
    squeezing the joy out of your life from
  • 00:16:54
    all of these different like activities
  • 00:16:57
    that normies can experience Joy from
  • 00:16:59
    therefore the future depressive has been
  • 00:17:01
    trained to fear his own activities he
  • 00:17:05
    requires a mediator to Grant him
  • 00:17:07
    pleasure a dominant other who breathes
  • 00:17:10
    meaning into their life in order for
  • 00:17:12
    your life to have meaning it require
  • 00:17:15
    someone else to give you meaning this
  • 00:17:17
    dominant other and it doesn't even have
  • 00:17:18
    to be a person by the way it can even be
  • 00:17:20
    things like a religion or like something
  • 00:17:23
    like the Army like where there's this
  • 00:17:24
    other Factor outside of you that
  • 00:17:27
    determines whether your life is is good
  • 00:17:29
    or bad this is the Crux of people who
  • 00:17:32
    have dnia is that they're not able to
  • 00:17:34
    extract pleasure from Life on their own
  • 00:17:37
    so one kind of surprising feature is
  • 00:17:40
    that often times people with dymia are
  • 00:17:42
    like externally incredibly capable
  • 00:17:45
    remember earlier in our example we
  • 00:17:46
    talked about someone getting a 95 and
  • 00:17:48
    this is what I've seen a lot right so in
  • 00:17:50
    my practice I work with people who are
  • 00:17:51
    like coming to me for like learning
  • 00:17:53
    about becoming happiness and attaining
  • 00:17:55
    Moka and all of this kind like inner
  • 00:17:57
    peace and stuff like that so often times
  • 00:17:59
    people will come into my office who are
  • 00:18:01
    very like financially successful very
  • 00:18:03
    like externally successful but they
  • 00:18:05
    they're constantly depressed and so
  • 00:18:08
    early on the reason that they became so
  • 00:18:09
    successful is because they were trying
  • 00:18:11
    to satisfy unrealistic expectations from
  • 00:18:13
    parents and then when they grow up and
  • 00:18:15
    they've like sort of checked all the
  • 00:18:16
    boxes they're like 32 33 making a ton of
  • 00:18:19
    money like maybe even dating but they
  • 00:18:21
    have this subsurface constant sense of
  • 00:18:25
    depression so let's take a quick look at
  • 00:18:26
    that paper again the problem with the
  • 00:18:28
    helpless model is that many depressives
  • 00:18:30
    are capable of excellent work and are
  • 00:18:32
    convinced of their effectiveness they
  • 00:18:34
    derive however no pleasure of meaning
  • 00:18:37
    from their efforts it is not the
  • 00:18:39
    realistic inability to perform but the
  • 00:18:42
    intrapsychic inability to obtain
  • 00:18:45
    satisfaction that seems more typical of
  • 00:18:47
    depressives this means that a lot of
  • 00:18:49
    y'all who are chronically dymic are not
  • 00:18:52
    as
  • 00:18:53
    debilitated as people who may even have
  • 00:18:55
    something like major depressive disorder
  • 00:18:57
    right when we think about something like
  • 00:18:59
    MDD we think about severe depression
  • 00:19:01
    where you can't get out of bed you can't
  • 00:19:03
    clean your room you can't do anything so
  • 00:19:05
    you are impaired but people with this
  • 00:19:07
    thyia struggle constantly and are
  • 00:19:11
    successful but no amount of success
  • 00:19:14
    seems to bring them some sense of Joy or
  • 00:19:16
    autonomous gratification they're not
  • 00:19:18
    incapable they're very capable but for
  • 00:19:21
    some reason they're eating food all the
  • 00:19:23
    time but it has no taste the other thing
  • 00:19:25
    that we tend to see in uh people who are
  • 00:19:28
    dymic is that as a result of this kind
  • 00:19:30
    of like you know upbringing and their
  • 00:19:33
    inability to um derive like meaning from
  • 00:19:37
    things like work or relationships they
  • 00:19:39
    tend to gravitate towards a lot of like
  • 00:19:42
    dopaminergic activities so now we're
  • 00:19:44
    going to take a quick kind of side note
  • 00:19:46
    into the Neuroscience of something
  • 00:19:47
    called anhedonia so anhedonia is the
  • 00:19:50
    inability to feel pleasure and if we
  • 00:19:53
    look at sort of the the circuits for
  • 00:19:55
    pleasure in our brain it's not just
  • 00:19:57
    dopamine there's one kind of pleasure
  • 00:20:00
    that's called uh consumatory pleasure so
  • 00:20:03
    this is like when I consume something I
  • 00:20:04
    get a spurt of dopamine so people who
  • 00:20:07
    are just thymic can actually experience
  • 00:20:09
    that so they can get some degree of
  • 00:20:11
    dopamine but a lot of the pleasure that
  • 00:20:13
    we experience in life comes from a sense
  • 00:20:15
    of like satisfaction or contentment it's
  • 00:20:18
    not just the dopamine it's like climbing
  • 00:20:19
    to the top of the mountain where sure I
  • 00:20:21
    get some amount of dopamine rush because
  • 00:20:22
    I'm seeing something super cool but then
  • 00:20:25
    there's also the sense of like internal
  • 00:20:27
    contentment and that kind of is actually
  • 00:20:29
    denied to dymic people on a
  • 00:20:31
    neuroscientific level so we sort of know
  • 00:20:34
    that from anhedonia and what this
  • 00:20:36
    results in is that if you were denied
  • 00:20:38
    sort of the sense of contentment but
  • 00:20:40
    your consummatory pleasure is still
  • 00:20:43
    capable right you still like your
  • 00:20:44
    dopamine circuits are somewhat intact
  • 00:20:46
    what that means is that people who are
  • 00:20:48
    dymic are drawn to particular activities
  • 00:20:51
    like alcohol substance use and this by
  • 00:20:53
    the way has been understood for like 60
  • 00:20:55
    years and nowadays it's things like
  • 00:20:57
    technology and video Gam addiction other
  • 00:20:59
    such individuals may fight a a feeling
  • 00:21:01
    of inner deadness by Daredevil thrills
  • 00:21:04
    or criminal excitement and then this is
  • 00:21:06
    also hilarious they are chronically
  • 00:21:08
    tired withd drawn people who are drawn
  • 00:21:10
    to Melancholy aspects of Life often
  • 00:21:13
    immersing themselves in existential
  • 00:21:15
    literature or pessimistic fiction 50 60
  • 00:21:18
    years ago people were noticing that okay
  • 00:21:21
    like if you're someone who feels devoid
  • 00:21:23
    of meaning on the inside if you feel
  • 00:21:25
    dead inside you are drawn to these
  • 00:21:27
    external dopaminergic kinds of things
  • 00:21:30
    and you're also like kind of a goth
  • 00:21:32
    Doomer sort of kid right these tropes
  • 00:21:34
    have existed for years way before we
  • 00:21:37
    were born and thankfully we sort of have
  • 00:21:39
    some insight into this so now the
  • 00:21:41
    question naturally becomes if you're
  • 00:21:43
    someone who's struggling with the simia
  • 00:21:45
    what do you do about it so let's talk
  • 00:21:47
    about a little bit of kind of
  • 00:21:48
    evidence-based treatments a lot of
  • 00:21:50
    studies show that things like
  • 00:21:51
    pharmacology like using anti-depressant
  • 00:21:53
    medication does have mild to moderate
  • 00:21:55
    effects um what I was kind of taught in
  • 00:21:58
    residen is that it doesn't really work
  • 00:22:00
    great which is kind of fair enough
  • 00:22:01
    that's been sort of my experience as
  • 00:22:03
    well but I it's still not something that
  • 00:22:05
    you should avoid by any means by all
  • 00:22:06
    means like sort of look into things like
  • 00:22:08
    pharmacologic you know go see a psych
  • 00:22:10
    psychiatrist get prescribed some
  • 00:22:11
    anti-depressant stuff it could help you
  • 00:22:13
    second thing is there are studies on
  • 00:22:15
    things like Psychotherapy and
  • 00:22:17
    Psychotherapy is also like mildly to
  • 00:22:19
    moderately effective and I think the
  • 00:22:21
    challenge here is that a lot of these
  • 00:22:23
    like protocolized therapies like sort of
  • 00:22:26
    don't work because they it's not that
  • 00:22:29
    they don't work the evidence shows that
  • 00:22:30
    it can help but there is like a
  • 00:22:32
    particular problem with like going to
  • 00:22:34
    see a therapist which has to do with the
  • 00:22:36
    way that a dymic person sees therapy so
  • 00:22:39
    the problem is that going to see a
  • 00:22:41
    therapist falls into the same trap that
  • 00:22:45
    reinforces the dymic person's patterns
  • 00:22:49
    okay now what does that mean so remember
  • 00:22:51
    this person grew up thinking that all of
  • 00:22:53
    my joy comes from something outside of
  • 00:22:56
    me and the work that these people
  • 00:22:57
    fundament need to do is to learn how to
  • 00:23:01
    discover inner Joy independent of
  • 00:23:03
    anything outside of me so when I go see
  • 00:23:06
    a therapist there is a subtle thing that
  • 00:23:08
    can happen which is I can fall into the
  • 00:23:10
    same trap now what is the source of my
  • 00:23:13
    joy and my pleasure it is the therapist
  • 00:23:16
    or I will go to the therapist who has
  • 00:23:17
    now taken the place of the dominant
  • 00:23:19
    other it used to be that my pleasure or
  • 00:23:22
    my happiness came from Mom or Dad but
  • 00:23:24
    now I will go to the therapist and the
  • 00:23:26
    therapist will bestow upon me some sense
  • 00:23:29
    of happiness and meaning and selfworth
  • 00:23:31
    so then you go and then you actually
  • 00:23:33
    fall into the same trap where you go to
  • 00:23:34
    the therapist and you're like therapize
  • 00:23:36
    me I'm here to do the work of therapy
  • 00:23:38
    I'm going to do everything that I'm
  • 00:23:39
    supposed to do and I will be fixed at
  • 00:23:40
    the end right you're going to fix me but
  • 00:23:43
    that in and of itself is what keeps
  • 00:23:45
    people with this thyia stuck because
  • 00:23:47
    they're once again shunting the
  • 00:23:49
    responsibility instead what they need to
  • 00:23:51
    do is learn how to derive pleasure from
  • 00:23:54
    their own activities now the question
  • 00:23:56
    becomes how do you do that that the
  • 00:23:59
    first is that like we noticed that all
  • 00:24:01
    of their human relationships are not
  • 00:24:03
    about the joy that you get by being with
  • 00:24:07
    this person right y'all aren't just like
  • 00:24:09
    chilling you can't just hang out your
  • 00:24:11
    relationship with this person is once
  • 00:24:13
    again like the dominant other like if I
  • 00:24:15
    am in a relationship the relationship
  • 00:24:17
    will make me happy instead of just
  • 00:24:19
    chilling with your partner and vibing
  • 00:24:22
    and doing nothing and just enjoying
  • 00:24:24
    their presence you are engaging in
  • 00:24:26
    relationships to extract pleasure and
  • 00:24:29
    bring this happiness from something
  • 00:24:31
    outside of you this also applies to all
  • 00:24:33
    of the work that you do right so instead
  • 00:24:35
    of like work being about like being
  • 00:24:37
    satisfied with yourself you are always
  • 00:24:39
    working for other people's approval this
  • 00:24:42
    has to change it's starts by noticing
  • 00:24:45
    this pattern of anything that you engage
  • 00:24:47
    in are you thinking this is going to
  • 00:24:50
    make me happy and I want you all to
  • 00:24:52
    really think about that phrasing for a
  • 00:24:54
    second right because in that who
  • 00:24:57
    controls the baking happy this will make
  • 00:24:59
    me happy that this is an outside thing
  • 00:25:02
    the dominant other is acting on me and
  • 00:25:04
    will make me happy so I'm losing all of
  • 00:25:08
    my sense of responsibility which is the
  • 00:25:11
    problem so the first thing is to notice
  • 00:25:13
    that pattern the second thing to do is
  • 00:25:16
    as you engage in particular activities
  • 00:25:20
    what you will find is that guilty voice
  • 00:25:22
    that voice telling you this is
  • 00:25:23
    inefficient this is a waste of time uh
  • 00:25:27
    it's going to be some kind of of guilt
  • 00:25:28
    or negativity that comes with
  • 00:25:30
    pleasurable activities now I want yall
  • 00:25:33
    to think about like how screwed you are
  • 00:25:35
    if that's what happens because there's
  • 00:25:37
    some things that bring us pleasure in
  • 00:25:39
    life and when the things that bring us
  • 00:25:41
    pleasure and meaning in life make us
  • 00:25:43
    feel guilty too it's like wait what it's
  • 00:25:46
    like okay here I have a sandwich and I'm
  • 00:25:48
    going to put some trash on top anytime I
  • 00:25:50
    take a bite of a sandwich I'm going to
  • 00:25:52
    put some trash on top so you're
  • 00:25:54
    depriving yourself of the positive
  • 00:25:56
    experiences of your life by the feeling
  • 00:25:59
    of guilt that you layer into it so when
  • 00:26:01
    I work with my patients usually what we
  • 00:26:03
    do is we really try to find that guilt
  • 00:26:05
    so when you try to do something that's
  • 00:26:07
    pleasurable like you know what are the
  • 00:26:08
    things that make you feel guilty and the
  • 00:26:11
    crazy thing is you actually want to move
  • 00:26:12
    towards those things and then really try
  • 00:26:15
    to just experience that kind of in the-
  • 00:26:17
    moment experience it notice the guilt
  • 00:26:19
    set it aside but really try to engage
  • 00:26:20
    with it if you're you know so I I had a
  • 00:26:22
    patient who was like 36 years old and
  • 00:26:25
    they really loved Legos and then like
  • 00:26:26
    something happened and they got punished
  • 00:26:28
    when they were the at the age of eight
  • 00:26:30
    they did something as an 8-year-old and
  • 00:26:31
    their parents were like no more Legos
  • 00:26:33
    for you they took all their Legos and
  • 00:26:34
    they never got them Legos again and they
  • 00:26:37
    you know anytime they would ask for
  • 00:26:38
    Legos like the parents would be like no
  • 00:26:40
    you shouldn't be doing Legos you should
  • 00:26:41
    be doing this instead like you should be
  • 00:26:43
    focused focusing on your studies Al
  • 00:26:45
    focus on your studies this isn't me by
  • 00:26:47
    the way my parents let me play with
  • 00:26:48
    Legos so now what we really want to do
  • 00:26:50
    is practice engaging in those things
  • 00:26:52
    that actually make us feel guilty and we
  • 00:26:55
    want to kind of acknowledge the guilt
  • 00:26:56
    and we want to sort of like see if we
  • 00:26:58
    can find some way to derive pleasure
  • 00:27:00
    without the guilt It's actually an
  • 00:27:02
    internal work not an external work and
  • 00:27:05
    that's the problem that these people
  • 00:27:06
    slip into is they they're assuming that
  • 00:27:08
    if I go through the motions the good
  • 00:27:10
    stuff will happen then I will be happy
  • 00:27:12
    but they don't do the internal work the
  • 00:27:14
    next step that we usually have to take
  • 00:27:16
    is we have to acknowledge all of the
  • 00:27:18
    repressed thoughts so usually what
  • 00:27:20
    happens if we look at people who are
  • 00:27:21
    dymic is as a result of this
  • 00:27:24
    conditioning there are a lot of natural
  • 00:27:27
    reaction that arise within us right so
  • 00:27:30
    like when I'm when I get a 95 on a test
  • 00:27:33
    and my parents say why couldn't you be
  • 00:27:34
    number one there's a natural reaction of
  • 00:27:37
    like hey can't you be proud of me like I
  • 00:27:40
    was proud like I come home and I'm so
  • 00:27:43
    excited because I got an a right and all
  • 00:27:45
    you've ever wanted for me is get a 4.0
  • 00:27:47
    GPA so I have this like natural reaction
  • 00:27:50
    to my circumstances and what happens
  • 00:27:53
    when you're raised with the dominant
  • 00:27:54
    other is that your natural reactions
  • 00:27:57
    have to be depressed because you come in
  • 00:27:59
    excited and your parents are
  • 00:28:01
    disappointed and that's like Whiplash
  • 00:28:02
    for you so in the stage of healing what
  • 00:28:05
    we have to do is start
  • 00:28:07
    uncovering these reactions a great way
  • 00:28:10
    to do this and I this is kind of like
  • 00:28:12
    practical advice that I give to my
  • 00:28:13
    patients is do things that are a little
  • 00:28:15
    bit impractical do things that are a
  • 00:28:17
    little bit indulgent and when they
  • 00:28:19
    engage in these activities we already
  • 00:28:21
    talked about the guilt but then there's
  • 00:28:22
    another thing that happens so you start
  • 00:28:24
    to feel the guilt right and the guilt is
  • 00:28:26
    what represses it's not just about
  • 00:28:28
    noticing the guilt it's about noticing
  • 00:28:30
    what the guilt is covering up remember
  • 00:28:32
    there's the sandwich and there's the
  • 00:28:33
    trash on top so one part is removing the
  • 00:28:36
    trash the second part is actually
  • 00:28:38
    focusing on the sandwich so what is it
  • 00:28:40
    that I enjoy about this kind of thing
  • 00:28:43
    and this is basically what I find is
  • 00:28:45
    that like the reason that these people
  • 00:28:46
    aren't enable to derive that internal
  • 00:28:49
    satisfaction is because they repress
  • 00:28:51
    these very actively and there's guilt
  • 00:28:53
    layered on top the next thing to do is
  • 00:28:56
    to really try to become independ
  • 00:28:58
    dependent and what do I mean by that so
  • 00:29:00
    what I mean by and a lot of times like
  • 00:29:02
    people who are dymic remember they can
  • 00:29:03
    be very capable and very successful so
  • 00:29:05
    they may be like financially independent
  • 00:29:07
    they have their own place sometimes they
  • 00:29:09
    struggle in those Dimensions too but
  • 00:29:11
    what I mean by independent is if I when
  • 00:29:13
    I talk to my patients who are dymic
  • 00:29:15
    they're always thinking about someone
  • 00:29:17
    else like okay do I want to go to like
  • 00:29:19
    the gym today well I have a buddy who
  • 00:29:21
    works out and he likes to go to the gym
  • 00:29:23
    and I don't want to disappoint him so
  • 00:29:24
    I'm going to go to the gym and they'll
  • 00:29:25
    go to the gym and they'll work out but
  • 00:29:26
    they're afraid of disappointing people
  • 00:29:28
    they're afraid of disappointing bosses
  • 00:29:29
    they're afraid of disappointing you know
  • 00:29:31
    their spouses they're afraid of
  • 00:29:32
    disappointing other people so their
  • 00:29:34
    whole life is kind of constructed in
  • 00:29:37
    relation to something else that's the
  • 00:29:39
    whole problem with the dominant other so
  • 00:29:41
    what we really strive for is
  • 00:29:43
    Independence go and do something by
  • 00:29:46
    yourself right go and do something
  • 00:29:48
    irrespective of what someone else thinks
  • 00:29:50
    go and do something that you can enjoy
  • 00:29:53
    now this is once again the Trap that
  • 00:29:54
    they fall into so when they hear that
  • 00:29:56
    advice there is a very easy way for this
  • 00:30:00
    to end up not helping you at all which
  • 00:30:03
    it's kind of so subtle so hard to
  • 00:30:05
    understand and this is why it's so damn
  • 00:30:06
    hard to treat so if you think to
  • 00:30:08
    yourself oh if I do independent
  • 00:30:10
    activities the independent activities
  • 00:30:13
    will bring me happiness same [ __ ]
  • 00:30:15
    trap do you all get what I'm saying like
  • 00:30:16
    I don't even know how to put this into
  • 00:30:18
    words but oh like the independent
  • 00:30:19
    activity that will be my salvation if
  • 00:30:22
    you fall into the Trap of thinking a
  • 00:30:24
    therapist will fix you an independent
  • 00:30:26
    activity will fix you meditation will
  • 00:30:28
    fix you it will not work the independent
  • 00:30:31
    activity will not fix you from the
  • 00:30:33
    outside when you engage with the
  • 00:30:36
    independ activity don't look at it
  • 00:30:38
    outside of yourself pay attention to it
  • 00:30:41
    within you what do I enjoy about this
  • 00:30:43
    experience am I feeling guilty how do I
  • 00:30:45
    derive pleasure and to practice being by
  • 00:30:48
    yourself and really digging around
  • 00:30:52
    inside of yourself for some kind of
  • 00:30:53
    pleasure now the last step which is
  • 00:30:56
    absolutely necessary which which is
  • 00:30:58
    often times the the reason that people
  • 00:31:00
    also get sabotaged is as you start to
  • 00:31:03
    walk down this road the people around
  • 00:31:06
    you will punish you for it so this is
  • 00:31:09
    something that is so sad but I work with
  • 00:31:11
    so many people who have all kinds of
  • 00:31:13
    diagnoses and what tends to happen when
  • 00:31:15
    they start to make progress in their
  • 00:31:17
    life is the people around them punish
  • 00:31:19
    them so if you are some someone who has
  • 00:31:21
    been disomic your whole life and you've
  • 00:31:23
    been like thinking about the dominant
  • 00:31:25
    other right you've lived your life to
  • 00:31:26
    make your boss happy your spouse house
  • 00:31:28
    happy your parents happy and then once
  • 00:31:30
    you start living for yourself they are
  • 00:31:33
    not going to like it right because
  • 00:31:35
    they've expected oh like this is the
  • 00:31:37
    person that I can call at the drop of a
  • 00:31:39
    hat you may even derive some positive
  • 00:31:41
    sense of ego people call you a great
  • 00:31:43
    friend they're like oh yeah this person
  • 00:31:44
    is always available no matter what I
  • 00:31:46
    appreciate you so much they'll say this
  • 00:31:48
    kind of crap to you right and it you may
  • 00:31:50
    derive some degree of pleasure from it
  • 00:31:52
    that's the problem from the dominant
  • 00:31:53
    other is the only time you feel good
  • 00:31:55
    about yourself is when they tell you oh
  • 00:31:57
    you're such a good person but then in
  • 00:31:59
    order for you to feel good about
  • 00:32:01
    yourself you have to continually
  • 00:32:03
    sacrifice for the sake of the other
  • 00:32:05
    person and when you are continually
  • 00:32:07
    sacrificing for someone else who does
  • 00:32:09
    not sacrifice for you you cannot be
  • 00:32:11
    happy this is the Trap of the dymic
  • 00:32:14
    something outside of me makes me happy
  • 00:32:17
    so I constantly have to chase it Chase
  • 00:32:19
    it Chase it Chase it Chase it and no
  • 00:32:21
    matter how much I chase it dude you can
  • 00:32:23
    never be at peace if you are constantly
  • 00:32:25
    chasing something and so as my start to
  • 00:32:28
    make progress the people around them are
  • 00:32:31
    not happy with it and then they start
  • 00:32:32
    punishing them and if you have not done
  • 00:32:35
    enough internal work then that
  • 00:32:38
    punishment will be too hard for you to
  • 00:32:40
    handle and you'll end up cracking and
  • 00:32:42
    you will sort of go back to your old
  • 00:32:43
    patterns and so this is the tricky thing
  • 00:32:45
    about sort of overcoming this dymia is
  • 00:32:48
    that there are a lot of steps to it but
  • 00:32:50
    the challenge is that you know people
  • 00:32:51
    will sort of say like okay if you're
  • 00:32:53
    dymic and you're too dependent on other
  • 00:32:54
    people start by being independent ju
  • 00:32:57
    just be more more independent just go do
  • 00:32:59
    these kinds of things but that doesn't
  • 00:33:00
    work in my experience as a psychiatrist
  • 00:33:03
    there is a sequencing to this stuff that
  • 00:33:05
    is very important you can't just strive
  • 00:33:07
    for Independence piss off all the people
  • 00:33:10
    who have come to expect of you being a
  • 00:33:13
    doormat and the punishment that they
  • 00:33:14
    give you is going to be too much for you
  • 00:33:16
    to handle until you've done the work of
  • 00:33:20
    understanding the guilt that you feel
  • 00:33:21
    right because when they when they impose
  • 00:33:23
    guilt upon you that's going to pile on
  • 00:33:25
    to the guilt that you feel and it's
  • 00:33:27
    going to make things like overwhelming
  • 00:33:28
    so the key thing about this process is
  • 00:33:31
    that people will look at some of these
  • 00:33:32
    Solutions and they'll say like okay I
  • 00:33:33
    have to do this solution then I'll be
  • 00:33:34
    fixed it doesn't work like that
  • 00:33:36
    recovering from dymia the best analogy I
  • 00:33:38
    can give youall is it's a little bit
  • 00:33:40
    like assembling Furniture there's a
  • 00:33:42
    bunch of pieces and you can look at a
  • 00:33:43
    picture of let's say like you know a
  • 00:33:45
    cabinet that's been put together but you
  • 00:33:47
    can't just put together the walls of the
  • 00:33:48
    cabinet you have to do a lot of internal
  • 00:33:50
    work you have to put together the
  • 00:33:51
    drawers put together the shelves and
  • 00:33:53
    then you slot them all into place then
  • 00:33:55
    you create the outside of the cabinet
  • 00:33:57
    and that's what you need to do if you're
  • 00:33:59
    struggling with d thyia you can't just
  • 00:34:01
    jump straight to the end and become
  • 00:34:02
    independent and find Joy if you it
  • 00:34:04
    doesn't work like that if you try to do
  • 00:34:06
    that what you'll end up with is
  • 00:34:07
    something that looks like a cabinet but
  • 00:34:08
    has nothing on the inside instead think
  • 00:34:11
    a little bit about the steps that we've
  • 00:34:13
    laid out now this is like once again
  • 00:34:15
    just one clinician's take on what this
  • 00:34:18
    has looked like when I work with them
  • 00:34:20
    your Road May Vary your mileage may vary
  • 00:34:22
    but the good news is that when I've
  • 00:34:24
    worked with a lot of these people like
  • 00:34:25
    it's pretty cool like how transformed
  • 00:34:27
    their lives are at the end of this like
  • 00:34:30
    many people are like H holy crap like
  • 00:34:32
    now I'm enjoying life like I'm deriving
  • 00:34:34
    pleasure from my life without being
  • 00:34:37
    dependent on other people leads to a
  • 00:34:39
    huge sense of Freedom leads to a huge
  • 00:34:42
    sense of like putting down a burden
  • 00:34:44
    leads to like I'm not chasing anything
  • 00:34:46
    anymore so I can just sit down and chill
  • 00:34:48
    so this timey is something that you know
  • 00:34:50
    is actually way more common than we
  • 00:34:52
    realize like so we said that you know 30
  • 00:34:54
    to 50% of people will experience
  • 00:34:55
    depression of some form at some point in
  • 00:34:57
    their life
  • 00:34:58
    the crazy thing is like a third of those
  • 00:35:00
    people will be dymic so we're talking
  • 00:35:02
    about somewhere between like 10 and 20%
  • 00:35:05
    of the population struggles with this
  • 00:35:08
    constant sense of like emptiness lack of
  • 00:35:11
    meaning and our hope today is that we
  • 00:35:13
    can sort of illustrate a little bit of
  • 00:35:15
    this problem for you so that you can
  • 00:35:17
    take a couple of steps and hopefully
  • 00:35:19
    move in the right direction but
  • 00:35:22
    remember that just because you watch
  • 00:35:24
    this video and you follow the steps
  • 00:35:26
    doesn't mean that the Happ will come
  • 00:35:28
    right you have to do the internal work
  • 00:35:31
    which I know is hard because you're like
  • 00:35:32
    I don't know how to do that because your
  • 00:35:33
    parents conditioned you to never do that
  • 00:35:35
    internal work and just focus on making
  • 00:35:37
    them happy so it's like it's a real
  • 00:35:39
    tough nut to crack but good luck with
  • 00:35:41
    that
  • 00:35:47
    [Music]
Tags
  • andimia
  • depressione cronica
  • autostima
  • psicoterapia
  • covarianza emozionale