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[Music]
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bigger welcome below San Francisco TEDx
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ohmygod blinding light hi everybody how
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are you fine oh my gosh okay so my name
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is Mel Robbins and for the last 17 years
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I have done nothing but help people get
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everything that they want within reason
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my husband's here and so I've done it in
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the court room in the boardroom in the
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bedroom in people's living room whatever
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room you want to be in if I'm there I
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will help you get whatever you want by
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any means necessary for the last three
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years I post I host a syndicated radio
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show five days a week I go live in 40
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cities and I talk to men and women
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across America who feels stuck do you
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know that a third of Americans feel
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dissatisfied with their lives right now
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that is a hundred million people that's
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insane and I've come face-to-face with
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it in this new show that I'm doing which
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is also insane it's called in-laws I
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move in with families across America you
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guessed it who are at war with their
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in-laws we move them into the same house
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I've herbally assassinate everybody we
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open up Pandora's box and I get people
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to stop arguing about the doughnuts and
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who's hosting Thanksgiving dinner and
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talk about the real stuff and that's
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what I want to talk to you about I'm
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here for you I'm gonna tell you
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everything I know in less than 18
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minutes about how to get what you want
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so I want you to take a millisecond
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right now and I want you to think about
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what you want you and I want you be
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selfish
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screw Simon and the wee thing this is
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about me right now
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sorry Simon um what do you want and
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here's the deal I don't want it to sound
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good to other people being healthy will
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not get your ass on a treadmill losing
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your manboobs so you could hook up with
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somebody
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now that's motivation so I want to know
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what do you want do you want to lose
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weight do you want to triple your income
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do you want to start a non-profit do you
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want to find love what is it get it
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right here you know what it is don't let
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the death just pick something that's
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part of the problem you won't pick so
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we're gonna be talking about how you get
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what you want and frankly getting what
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you want is simple but notice I didn't
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say it was easy it's very simple in fact
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if you think about it we live in the
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most amazing moment in time so that
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thing that you have up here whatever it
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may be you want to use healthy eating to
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cure your diabetes you want to figure
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out how to take care of the elders and
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start a new hospice center you want to
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move to Africa and build a school guess
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what you can walk into a bookstore right
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now and buy at least ten books written
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by credentialed experts on how the hell
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you doing you could google it and you
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could probably find at least I don't
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know a thousand blogs documenting the
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step by step by step transformation that
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somebody else is already doing you can
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find anybody online and cyberstalk them
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you can just walk in their footsteps and
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let they you know just use the science
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of drafting follow what everyone else
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has done cuz somebody else is already
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doing it so why don't you have what you
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want when you have all the information
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that you need you have the contacts that
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you need there are probably free tools
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online that allow you to start a
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business or join a group or do whatever
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the
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do you want it all comes down to one
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word
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shut the front door you know what I'm
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talking about the f-bomb it's everywhere
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you hear it all the time and I honestly
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don't understand what the appeal is of
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the word I mean you don't sound smart
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when you say it and it's really not
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expressing how you really feel it's sort
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of a cheap you know shot to take and of
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course you know I'm talking about the
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word fine how you doing I'm fine oh
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really you are dragging around those
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extra 40 pounds you're fine
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feeling like roommates with your spouse
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and you're fine you haven't had sex in
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four months you're fine really
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I don't think so
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but see here's the deal with saying that
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you're fine it's actually genius because
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if you're fine you don't have to do
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anything about it but when you think
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about this word fine it just makes me so
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angry I mean here we are at a conference
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about being alive and you're gonna
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describe the experience of being alive
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as fine a flimsy and feeble word your
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crappy say your crappy if you're amazing
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say you're amazing tell the truth and
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this not only goes for the social
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construct oh I don't want to burden you
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with the fact that I hate my life or you
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know hey I'm amazing but that would make
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you feel terrible the bigger issue the
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bigger issue with fine is that you say
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it to yourself that thing that you want
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I guarantee you you've convinced
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yourself that you're fine not having it
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that's why you're not pushing yourself
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it's the areas in your life where you've
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given up where you've said oh I'm fine
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my mom's never gonna change so I just
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can't have that conversation I'm fine
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you know we got to wait until the kids
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graduate before we get divorced so we'll
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just sleep in separate bedrooms I'm fine
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I lost my job I can barely pay my bills
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but whatever it's hard to get a job
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and you know one of the reasons why this
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word also just annoys me so much is
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scientists have calculated oh yeah I'm
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coming down scientists have calculated
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the odds of you being born that's right
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they've crunched the numbers I see you
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up there
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they have crunched the numbers on you
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yeah no you guys standing up you want to
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sit down for this they've crunched the
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numbers on you being born and they took
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into account all of the wars and the
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natural disasters and the dinosaurs and
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everything else and do you realize that
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the odds the odds of you yeah right here
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put your computer way stand up for me
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done so the odds of dog hair turn around
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say hi to everybody the odds yeah of
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Doug Doug being born at the moment in
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time he was born to the parents you were
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born to with the DNA structure that you
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have a hundred no one and four hundred
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trillion isn't it amazing
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yes you're not fine you're fantastic
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you have life-changing ideas for a
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reason and it's not the torture yourself
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thank you thank you Doug you know
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Christine was right when she said all of
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you could be on stage because all of you
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are all in this category one and four
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hundred trillion all day long you have
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ideas that could change your life that
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could change the world that could change
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the way that you feel and what do you do
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with them nothing
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oh hopefully it won't moon you
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you didn't pay for that and I want you
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to just think for a minute because we
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all have I love to use the analogy the
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inner snooze button you have these
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amazing ideas that bubble up right
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you've been watching people all day and
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I guarantee you like you know ping-pong
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balls boom boom boom boom oh my mom you
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got idea what should be this and every
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time you have an idea what do you do
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it's a snooze what's the first decision
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you made this morning I bet it was to go
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back to bed yeah first decision today
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I'm a hundred one and four hundred
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trillion I'm gonna go back to sleep and
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I get it your bed is comfortable it's
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cozy it's warm if you're lucky you've
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got you know like somebody that you love
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next to you or in my case I've got my
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husband and my two kids and possibly the
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dog and the reason why I'm bringing up
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this first decision that you made today
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and the inner snooze alarm is because in
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any area of your life that you want to
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change any there's one fact that you
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need to know just one you're never gonna
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feel like it
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ever no one's coming motivation isn't
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happening you're never gonna feel like
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it scientists call it activation energy
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that's what they call the force required
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to get you to change from what you're
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doing on autopilot to do something new
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so try this test tomorrow you think
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you're so fancy I know you're attending
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Ted try this tomorrow morning
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set your alarm for 30 minutes earlier
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and then when it goes off take those
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sheets throw them off and stand up and
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start your day no snooze no delay no
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I'll just wait here for five seconds
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says Mel's not standing here do it and
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the reason why I want you to do it is
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because you will come face to face with
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the physical and I mean physical force
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that's required to change your behavior
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do you think that somebody who needs to
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lose weight ever feels like going on a
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diet of course not do you think they
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ever feel like eating boiled chicken and
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peas instead of a croissant I'll think
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so the activation energy required to get
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your ass away from your computer and out
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your front door to go on the walk you
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said that you were going to go on is the
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exact same amount of force that it takes
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you to push yourself out of a warm bed
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and into a cold room what's interesting
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about being an adult is that when you
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become 18 nobody tells you that it's now
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going to be your job to parent yourself
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and by parent yourself I mean it's your
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job to make yourself do the crap you
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don't want to do so you can be
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everything that you're supposed to be
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and you're so damn busy waiting to feel
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like it and you're never going to my
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one never feels like getting off as DS
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that's my job get off the damn D s
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Kendall clean up the Barbies if you're
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gonna have a nude party in my bathroom
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at least clean it up
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God chew with your mouth closed we're
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gonna barn for crying out loud all right
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dinner's coming get out of the pantry as
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parents and you were a kid your parents
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make you do the things you don't feel
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like doing because you won't ever not
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now not then not ever and even when you
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get good at something you'll figure out
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something else you don't want to do and
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then you'll plateau out and you'll get
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boring I hate this dad this is a boring
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yeah but will you look for now you'll
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just [ __ ] about that one it's very very
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simple to get what you want but it's not
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easy you have to force yourself and I
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mean force and the reason why I use the
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word force when Roz is up here and
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talking about the emotion tracking and
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she had the picture of the two sides of
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the brain I look at the brain the exact
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same way only I describe one side of
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your brain is autopilot and the other
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side is emergency brake that's the only
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two speeds you get auto pilot emergency
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brake and guess which one your brain
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likes better autopilot you've had the
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experience where you've driven to work
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right you get there like oh my god I
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don't remember driving here you weren't
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drunk that was your brain on autopilot
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it was functioning just at this level
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and the problem with your mind is that
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anytime you do anything that's different
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from your normal routine guess what your
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brain does emergency brake and it has
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that reaction for everything everything
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you walk into the kitchen and you see
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everybody's left their breakfast dishes
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for you and you think for the hundredth
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time I'm gonna kill them in fact I'm
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gonna leave this here and I'm gonna make
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them do it but that's not your norm
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routine is it your mangoes emergency
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break and you go right into autopilot
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I'll just load it and be pissed and then
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I have sex what I mean
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so when I say force anything that's a
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break from your routine is gonna require
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force and if you think about your life
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it's kind of funny because we you know
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are kids and then we become adults and
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we spend so much time trying to push our
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life into some sort of stable routine
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and then we grow bored of it he wake up
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at what the same time every day you have
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largely the same breakfast you drive to
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work the same way you show up at work
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you look busy you avoid making calls you
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update Facebook you attend the meeting
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and doodle the whole time you go back
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and update Facebook you make plans for
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the evening you look busy some more then
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you drive home the same way largely the
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same dinner or you know variety of it
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you watch the same kind of media and
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then you go to bed and do the same thing
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all over again no wonder you're bored
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out of your mind
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it's the routine that's killing you I
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have this theory about why people get
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stuck in life so most of you have
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probably taken your basic psych 101
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class and you've bumped into Andrew
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Maslow's hierarchy of needs well your
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body is kind of cool because you have
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these basic needs and your body is wired
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to send you signals if you are hungry or
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I mean if you need food what do you feel
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if you need water what do you feel if
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you need sex what do you feel thank you
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I think when you feel stuck or
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dissatisfied in your life it's a signal
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and it's not a signal that your life is
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broken it's a signal that one of your
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most basic needs are not being met your
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need for exploration everything about
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your life about your body grows your
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cells regenerate your hair your nails
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everything grows for your entire life
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and your soul needs exploration and
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growth and the only way you'll get it is
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by forcing yourself to be uncomfortable
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forcing yourself to get outside out of
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your head thank you if you're in your
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head you're behind enemy lines that is
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not God talking okay it's not in fact if
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I put a speaker on it and we broadcast
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what you say to yourself we would
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institutionalize you you would not hang
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out with people that talk to you the way
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you talk to yourself
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so get out of your head your feelings
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your feelings are screwing you I don't
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care how you feel I care about what you
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want and if you listen to how you feel
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when it comes to what you want you will
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not get it because you will never feel
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like it
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and you need to get outside your comfort
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zone it's not about taking risks it's
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about getting out side your comfort zone
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those first three seconds when you push
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yourself out of bed they blow but once
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you're up it's great those first three
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seconds when you're sitting here in a
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studio or stadium like this and somebody
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says get up and come dance and you think
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oh I should do that and they're like oh
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that experience that you had where you
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had the impulse to do it and then you
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didn't do the activation energy required
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to force yourself your emergency brake
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up hold I'm sitting right here
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I'm not going up with those crazy people
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I don't like the dance and
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me me me me me no way well what happened
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for me as I came up and I bumped into
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Rachel and then we started talking and
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next thing you know she's tweeting and
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we're friends and boom get outside
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that's where the magic is that's where
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the one and four hundred trillion exists
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so everything I do oh okay this is the
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last part sorry
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so one more thing that you can use I
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call it the five-second rule your mind
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can process a facial expression in 33
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milliseconds it can move pretty damn
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quick the other thing that it does very
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quickly is if you have one of those
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little impulses that are pulling you if
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you don't marry it with an action within
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five second you pull the emergency brake
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and kill the idea kill it if you have
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the impulse to get up and come dance
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while the band is playing if you don't
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stand up in five seconds you're gonna
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pull the emergency brake if you have an
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impulse about you were inspired by
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somebody's speech today and you don't do
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something within five seconds write a
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note send yourself a text anything
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physical to marry it with the idea you
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will pull the emergency brake and kill
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the idea your problem isn't ideas your
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problem is you don't act on them you
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kill them so I'm my fault it's not
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anybody's fault you're doing it to
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yourself stop it
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I'm counting on you one and four hundred
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trillion you got stuff to do and it's
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not gonna happen in your head so I want
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you to practice this today when we go
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off to party thank god it's coming soon
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because I think we all could use a
00:20:27
cocktail I want you to practice the
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five-second rule you see somebody and
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you think they have that impulse they
00:20:35
look interesting walk over there you
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were inspired by somebody and you have a
00:20:41
request make it that's why you're here
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experiment with it and I think you'll be
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shocked about what happens and one more
00:20:52
thing you know I want you to know that
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everything that I do whether it's the
00:20:57
radio show or the television show or the
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book that I wrote or the column it's for
00:21:01
you and if there is anything that I can
00:21:05
do if I can do anything to make you do
00:21:10
the things you don't want to do so you
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can have what you want I will do it but
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you need to walk over you need to open
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your mouth and you need to make the
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request you got it good
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go do it thank you thank you yes stand
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up you have the impulse stand up thank
00:21:38
you
