What is the main theme of the episode?

The main theme is raising mentally strong children through love, discipline, and self-reliance.

How can parents help children become mentally strong?

By not solving all their problems, allowing them to face consequences, and encouraging independence.

What parenting style is considered most effective according to the episode?

A parenting style that is loving and firm.

What role does neuroscience play in parenting?

Neuroscience helps understand children's brain development and informs effective parenting strategies.

How important is setting goals for children?

Goal setting is crucial as it helps children understand what they want and strive towards achieving it.

What is the significance of bonding with children?

Bonding creates a connection that fosters communication and influence over children's choices.

Why is it not advisable to bring forgotten items like homework or lunch to children?

It teaches them responsibility and the importance of facing consequences for their actions.

At what age should children be taught responsibility?

As early as possible with appropriate safeguards and guidelines.

What impact does technology and social media have on children?

Excessive use can increase vulnerability to mental health issues and promote self-absorption.

What strategies can help in forming a strong parent-child relationship?

Spending quality time, being present, listening actively, and providing them with self-soothing techniques.

The Brain Expert: How To Raise Mentally Resilient Children (According To Science) | Dr. Daniel Amen

00:56:24

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avx4Ww9h3Tc

Summary

TLDRThe episode features a discussion on raising mentally strong children by allowing them to make mistakes and learn from consequences, rather than solving all their problems. It emphasizes the importance of raising kids who are mentally resilient through a combination of love and logic. The conversation touches on setting clear goals, fostering bonding, and developing responsibility from a young age. The guest, a child psychiatrist, shares insights on parenting styles and the role of neuroscience in understanding child development. Emphasis is placed on teaching children the value of being independent, competent, and responsible. The discussion warns against excessive screen time and social media's negative impact on mental health. The importance of active listening and spending quality time without distractions is highlighted as key to building a strong parent-child relationship. Strategies like setting boundaries and advocating for children to ask questions are discussed to support children's self-esteem and problem-solving skills.

Takeaways

❤️ Parenting should focus on love and logic, letting children learn from mistakes.
🧠 Neuroscience informs effective parenting through understanding brain development.
🎯 Setting clear goals for children is essential.
👪 Bonding with children through quality time.
⏰ Special time without commands or questions aids connection.
🔄 Consequences teach responsibility in children.
📱 Limit screen time and social media to protect mental health.
🛠 Teach children problem-solving and self-reliance.
🚫 Avoid solving children's problems for them.
🎓 Education in life skills builds mentally strong kids.

Timeline

00:00:00 - 00:05:00
The speaker emphasizes the importance of not solving all children's problems, allowing them to learn from their mistakes and the consequences of their actions. They mention upcoming interviews aimed at improving happiness and health.
00:05:00 - 00:10:00
Mentally strong children live with clearly defined goals often set by parents. The initial step is for parents to define what kind of parent they want to be and for them to model mental strength through authenticity and presence.
00:10:00 - 00:15:00
The speaker discusses the significance of parental presence in avoiding mental health issues in children. Bonding and not solving all children's problems are highlighted as key elements in developing a child's sense of responsibility and agency.
00:15:00 - 00:20:00
Through the example of Chloe, a child psychiatrist emphasizes the importance of children facing the consequences of their actions. This approach helps them develop independence, problem-solving skills, and a sense of responsibility.
00:20:00 - 00:25:00
The Harvard study showed that children's self-esteem is heavily influenced by responsibility and work at a young age. Overprotected or affluent children may miss developing a sense of agency and face struggles later in life.
00:25:00 - 00:30:00
Discomfort in children helps them grow, allowing them to become independent and responsible. The video discusses balancing parenting by giving children space while providing a supportive environment to explore and learn from experiences.
00:30:00 - 00:35:00
The conversation focuses on active listening where parents don't jump to conclusions but help children express themselves, fostering a nurturing environment. Setting boundaries helps prevent mental health issues, like anxiety, by stabilizing the household.
00:35:00 - 00:40:00
Permissive parenting, even if done with love, can lead to mental health problems due to a lack of boundaries. Effective parenting balances firmness and loving attachment, aiding proper childhood development.
00:40:00 - 00:45:00
Addressing the notion that children's success reflects parenting, it’s suggested that parents focus on raising capable, independent children rather than over-investing personal aspirations on them.
00:45:00 - 00:50:00
Teaching children about agency and behavior consequences builds mental strength. Parents are advised to maintain routines and limits while ensuring their actions don't inadvertently reward disrespectful behavior.
00:50:00 - 00:56:24
Technology and social media are highlighted as challenges for modern parenting. Delaying children's exposure and spending meaningful time with them away from screens is encouraged to promote healthy relationships and mental well-being.

Mind Map

Video Q&A

What is the main theme of the episode?
The main theme is raising mentally strong children through love, discipline, and self-reliance.
How can parents help children become mentally strong?
By not solving all their problems, allowing them to face consequences, and encouraging independence.
What parenting style is considered most effective according to the episode?
A parenting style that is loving and firm.
What role does neuroscience play in parenting?
Neuroscience helps understand children's brain development and informs effective parenting strategies.
How important is setting goals for children?
Goal setting is crucial as it helps children understand what they want and strive towards achieving it.
What is the significance of bonding with children?
Bonding creates a connection that fosters communication and influence over children's choices.
Why is it not advisable to bring forgotten items like homework or lunch to children?
It teaches them responsibility and the importance of facing consequences for their actions.
At what age should children be taught responsibility?
As early as possible with appropriate safeguards and guidelines.
What impact does technology and social media have on children?
Excessive use can increase vulnerability to mental health issues and promote self-absorption.
What strategies can help in forming a strong parent-child relationship?
Spending quality time, being present, listening actively, and providing them with self-soothing techniques.

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Subtitles

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00:00:00
you do not solve all of your children's
00:00:02
problems that's the heart of love and
00:00:06
logic it's you want kids to make
00:00:09
mistakes and you want them to pay the
00:00:11
consequences so they learn before we
00:00:15
jump into this episode I'd like to
00:00:17
invite you to join this community to
00:00:19
hear more interviews that will help you
00:00:21
become happier healthier and more healed
00:00:24
all I want you to do is click on the
00:00:26
Subscribe button I love your support
00:00:28
it's incredible to see all your comments
00:00:30
and we're just getting started I can't
00:00:32
wait to go on this journey with you
00:00:34
thank you so much for subscribing it
00:00:36
means the world to me the number one
00:00:38
Health and Wellness podcast J shett J
00:00:41
shett the one the only
00:00:45
Jett you talk about mentally strong kids
00:00:48
live by clearly defined goals and I was
00:00:53
thinking about that I was thinking how
00:00:55
do you set a goal for a kid and at what
00:00:59
age does a goal become real well the
00:01:02
goal starts with parents what kind of
00:01:07
Dad or Mom do I want to be and what kind
00:01:11
of children do I want to raise so in
00:01:15
raising mentally strong kids I mean the
00:01:17
first principle is you need to be
00:01:19
mentally strong right you have to model
00:01:22
the message and Amen Clinics our first
00:01:26
core value is
00:01:28
authenticity and and what what does that
00:01:32
mean to be mentally strong well the
00:01:35
first principle is Clarity is you want
00:01:38
to know so when I was growing up my mom
00:01:41
was great she was present but there were
00:01:43
way too many of us there were seven I'm
00:01:46
third means irrelevant uh at least
00:01:49
that's what I thought uh you know Prince
00:01:52
Harry's book spare well in a Lebanese
00:01:56
family the oldest son is golden and the
00:02:00
second son's irrelevant now there's huge
00:02:04
upside to irrelevance which means I
00:02:07
could do anything I want but my mom was
00:02:11
present and fun and playful and strict
00:02:15
uh all good qualities my dad was gone
00:02:18
and so when I'm thinking about what kind
00:02:21
of parent do I want to be is I want to
00:02:23
be
00:02:24
present uh because that caused a lot of
00:02:27
bitterness in my life and if you read
00:02:30
sort of the latest Neuroscience on
00:02:33
childbearing attachment is so important
00:02:37
to
00:02:38
prevent mental illness or mental health
00:02:42
problems and so if I want to be present
00:02:47
then that leads to the second principle
00:02:51
which is bonding which is connection and
00:02:54
how do you connect and too many parents
00:02:57
get that wrong and like oh well let me
00:03:00
solve all of my child's problems which
00:03:03
creates entitlement and disaster but the
00:03:06
first one is what do you want and I
00:03:09
think it's a great question for kids
00:03:12
when they're six or seven what do you
00:03:14
want in our relationship like I treat a
00:03:19
lot of difficult kids and one of my
00:03:23
favorite questions to parents how many
00:03:27
times out of 10 when you ask this child
00:03:30
to do something will they do it the
00:03:32
first time without arguing or fighting
00:03:36
and seven is the average for healthy
00:03:40
kids so very few kids do something every
00:03:43
time right but for the kids who see me
00:03:47
it's zero or less than
00:03:51
three and when I ask the children about
00:03:55
this 78 n I'm like is that your goal to
00:04:00
make your mother cry I'm like no I'm
00:04:03
like why do you do it I don't know and
00:04:07
the fact is they don't know because it's
00:04:08
not will driven it's braind driven and
00:04:13
that one concept all by itself on top of
00:04:18
which if a child doesn't do what you ask
00:04:21
them to do and you ignore it or you just
00:04:24
repeat it what you're doing is teaching
00:04:27
them to do that and the brain is is lazy
00:04:30
so um this is going to be a fun
00:04:33
conversation how about the people that
00:04:35
would say that that may make children
00:04:37
obedient but it doesn't make them free
00:04:40
thinkers or it doesn't make them
00:04:42
independently thoughtful I think we
00:04:45
sometimes feel like these two things
00:04:47
work against each other right like if we
00:04:49
feel we're like they listen to
00:04:51
everything we say and they do what we
00:04:53
say then how do they build up their own
00:04:55
sense of identity how how does that work
00:04:57
well that's totally in the book on how
00:04:59
to do that and that is you do not solve
00:05:02
all of your children's problems that's
00:05:06
the heart of love and logic it's you
00:05:09
want kids to make mistakes and you want
00:05:13
them to pay the consequences so they
00:05:16
learn agency it's such an important word
00:05:20
in lives um so I have six children three
00:05:24
of them are adopted and Chloe um who's
00:05:29
now 20 she's a bit of a Helen and uh
00:05:34
argumentative
00:05:36
oppositional and I'm a child
00:05:38
psychiatrist and Chloe was two when tan
00:05:42
and I met and I'm like Tana you've done
00:05:46
second grade but they would like go at
00:05:49
it in a bad way for homework for like a
00:05:52
couple of hours and I'm like and then
00:05:55
Tana got a program uh I co-wrote the
00:05:58
book with Charles Fay who's president of
00:06:01
the love and logic Institute so she got
00:06:03
parenting with love and logic and then
00:06:05
took everything they ever created one
00:06:08
night when it finally clicked that I've
00:06:12
done second
00:06:13
grade she told Chloe she'd never again
00:06:16
ask her to do her homework she said hey
00:06:19
I've done second grade this is on you
00:06:22
and if you're okay with the
00:06:26
consequences of not doing your homework
00:06:30
Mrs M her teacher will be mad at you you
00:06:33
won't go out to recess and if you really
00:06:34
decide you're not going to do it you'll
00:06:37
make new friends when you repeat second
00:06:39
grade that was that Epiphany moment
00:06:44
Chloe got upset and said I never said I
00:06:46
wasn't going to do my homework I'm just
00:06:47
not going to do it now she stormed off
00:06:50
20 minutes later she came back no one
00:06:52
ever asked her to do her homework again
00:06:55
she's going to graduate with a business
00:06:58
degree from Chapman University
00:07:00
she's bright she's independent she has
00:07:03
agency she's a hard worker and a free
00:07:06
thinker because she couldn't push
00:07:10
against her mother to solve her
00:07:12
problems she had to figure it out with
00:07:16
of course appropriate support and oh by
00:07:19
the way to really push on this idea if
00:07:22
Khloe forgot her homework there's no way
00:07:24
her mother would bring it to school cuz
00:07:27
then she'd only forget it once right if
00:07:29
she forgot her homework and we brought
00:07:30
it to school we'd always be bringing her
00:07:33
homework to school if it was cold out
00:07:35
and she forgot to bring a sweater
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nobody's bringing a sweater she forgot
00:07:39
her lunch nobody's bringing her lunch
00:07:41
we're teaching her probably the most
00:07:44
important skill of mentally strong
00:07:48
people I'm responsible for my life and
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if there are consequences I'm going to
00:07:54
pay it and you so you want them to make
00:07:57
mistakes when the consequence are
00:08:00
affordable and what age is that at is
00:08:01
that at a particular age or is there a
00:08:03
time when like four five six you know
00:08:08
earlier the better and of course you're
00:08:11
always putting you know think of bowling
00:08:13
alley you're putting bumper guards up uh
00:08:16
to protect them but when I was a young
00:08:22
parent I think my self-esteem wasn't
00:08:25
great and I would get self-esteem by
00:08:28
solving my children's problems and what
00:08:32
I realized is I was robbing them of
00:08:35
their self-esteem because where do we
00:08:38
get self-esteem there's this great study
00:08:40
out of Harvard where they followed
00:08:44
454 inner city Boston school kids for 70
00:08:50
years I mean think about that I one of
00:08:53
the longest longevity studies ever done
00:08:56
and they looked at what was going you
00:08:59
know with mental illness with addiction
00:09:01
with self-esteem and the only thing that
00:09:04
correlated with self-esteem was whether
00:09:06
or not you worked as a child whether or
00:09:10
not you had responsibility at home you
00:09:12
had a paper route you had an outside job
00:09:15
when I was 10 years old I went to work
00:09:17
because my dad owned grocery stores and
00:09:20
work is good but for people who are
00:09:24
affluent who have help at home and
00:09:28
everything is done for the child you're
00:09:30
really setting the child up for
00:09:32
struggles in their life because they
00:09:34
won't develop a sense of agency that's
00:09:36
so interesting hearing that I've always
00:09:37
felt that I started doing I was a paper
00:09:39
boy when I was 14 years old and I
00:09:41
remember going around the local streets
00:09:43
and delivering the papers and it was
00:09:45
raining and it was you know at some time
00:09:48
of the year in England it would snow
00:09:50
during the Christmas period and it was
00:09:52
hardest because I'm pulling this like
00:09:54
you know this uh trolley we call it I
00:09:56
don't know what you'd call it here but
00:09:57
pulling this cart that has all the
00:09:59
newspaper stacked in it and then I
00:10:01
worked in re and then I worked in a
00:10:03
grocery store and then I worked in
00:10:05
retail and so I've been working ever
00:10:06
since I was 14 years old and I couldn't
00:10:09
agree with you more I learned so many
00:10:11
interesting skills I developed so many
00:10:13
amazing habits because you had to in
00:10:16
order to do it and that resonates so
00:10:18
strongly with me how do you get
00:10:20
comfortable watching your child be
00:10:22
uncomfortable because I can imagine
00:10:24
that's the biggest challenge right as a
00:10:26
parent who loves adors cares for the
00:10:29
this child doesn't want it to be cold
00:10:31
doesn't want the child to be late for
00:10:32
school doesn't want the child to perform
00:10:35
poorly your ego is somewhat attached to
00:10:39
the child's ego and success level how do
00:10:41
you get comfortable watching your child
00:10:43
be uncomfortable in a
00:10:45
non unemotional way and not in a
00:10:48
insensitive way it's hard you have to
00:10:52
have the big picture in mind and the
00:10:55
long game in mind what do I want what
00:10:58
kind of parent do I want to be effective
00:11:01
present what kind of child do I want to
00:11:04
raise independent competent strong um if
00:11:09
I do too much I'm robbing them of their
00:11:13
self-esteem of their sense of
00:11:16
responsibility and agency and that's a
00:11:19
disaster you just don't want and you
00:11:21
need to see it ahead of time and that's
00:11:25
why you know the first principes is know
00:11:26
what you want and all always ask your
00:11:30
kids so what's the goal for this year
00:11:33
what do you want right it's not you're
00:11:35
not telling them they goal I mean an
00:11:38
example when I turned 18 it's the first
00:11:41
time I could vote and my dad told me if
00:11:45
I voted for Senator McGovern the country
00:11:48
would go to hell so 1972 Richard Nixon
00:11:52
is running for re-election he's a very
00:11:54
popular president even though it'll turn
00:11:56
out to be a disaster against senator my
00:11:59
govern and I'm 18 and I don't have a
00:12:04
relationship with my dad I mean we're
00:12:07
sort of mostly mad at each other he's
00:12:10
trying to have influence on me but
00:12:12
because we don't have a
00:12:14
relationship I'd just as soon piss him
00:12:16
off right now it wasn't my conscious
00:12:19
thought but I'd just as soon piss him
00:12:21
off and I voted for mover and the
00:12:23
country went to hell but it had nothing
00:12:25
to do with McGovern it was all Nixon and
00:12:26
Watergate and so on but it was that lack
00:12:30
of
00:12:31
relationship and if people do what I
00:12:35
talk about in the book you have more
00:12:40
influence with them and that leads to so
00:12:43
the first principle is goal setting the
00:12:46
second one is bonding it's attachment if
00:12:50
you want to have influence with your
00:12:53
children if you want them to seriously
00:12:56
consider your values you have to be
00:12:59
connected with them and what does that
00:13:01
take time like actual physical time
00:13:05
where you're not on your phone but you
00:13:08
put the phone away and you spend 20
00:13:11
minutes a day with a child so there's an
00:13:13
exercise I talk about in the book that I
00:13:15
love so much
00:13:18
that you know all the things I've
00:13:21
recommended to my patients over the last
00:13:23
45 years when I decided to be a
00:13:25
psychiatrist 45 years ago special time
00:13:28
it's mad magic
00:13:30
and 20 minutes a day do something with
00:13:33
your child child wants to do that's
00:13:36
reasonable you can do in 20 minutes so
00:13:38
it's like not take me to Nordstroms and
00:13:41
during that time no commands no
00:13:45
questions no directions it's just time
00:13:49
to be together and it's money in the
00:13:52
relational bank and I remember when I
00:13:55
first figured this out my literary agent
00:14:00
uh had a child later in life we were
00:14:04
talking on the phone and he's like my
00:14:06
daughter Laura doesn't want to have
00:14:07
anything to do with me and she's to and
00:14:10
he said that's like a girl thing right a
00:14:13
mother daughter thing they don't want
00:14:14
anything I'm like no Carl you're
00:14:16
ignoring her what what do you mean I'm
00:14:18
ignor I'm like you're ignoring her do
00:14:21
this and he said that won't work I'm
00:14:24
like oh great you represent an idiot my
00:14:27
own literary age won't do what I say do
00:14:31
it in fact I'm going to put you in my
00:14:33
schedule for 3 weeks I'm going to call
00:14:35
you get the party
00:14:37
started and so three weeks go by I call
00:14:40
him up
00:14:42
Carl Daniel she won't leave me alone as
00:14:46
soon as I walk in the door she grabs my
00:14:48
leg and wants her time all she wants to
00:14:51
do is be with
00:14:54
me I'm like that's the problem that's
00:14:56
what we won right that's what we're at
00:14:59
after so actual physical time and now
00:15:02
parents are so busy they're not spending
00:15:07
this oneon-one alone time listening so
00:15:11
that's the second part of it so time
00:15:13
actual physical time and shut up I it's
00:15:17
so important so you you love them so
00:15:21
much you want to pour all of your
00:15:23
knowledge all of your wisdom that you
00:15:26
worked your whole life on and down
00:15:29
loaded into their head don't do that
00:15:31
listen to them and therapists learned
00:15:34
this technique called active listening
00:15:37
that whenever someone says something you
00:15:40
don't interrupt and tell them how to
00:15:42
think you repeat it back and you listen
00:15:46
for the feelings behind the words so if
00:15:50
my son came home and said Dad I want to
00:15:52
have blue hair I don't know what your
00:15:54
father would have said but I know what
00:15:57
mine would have said no when as long as
00:15:59
you live in this house you can have blue
00:16:01
air but what does that do it just stops
00:16:05
the conversation or it starts a fight
00:16:08
active listening teaches you repeat back
00:16:11
what you hear oh you want to have blue
00:16:13
hair and then be quiet long enough for
00:16:17
them to like explain what's really going
00:16:20
on and he might say all the kids are
00:16:23
wearing their hair
00:16:25
blue now I've been to a school I know
00:16:27
not everybody's blue-headed
00:16:30
and if I would have said that to my dad
00:16:32
I don't know what your dad would have
00:16:33
said I don't care what anybody else is
00:16:35
doing as long as you live in this house
00:16:37
you're not going to have blue hair if
00:16:39
they're going to jump off a bridge are
00:16:40
you going with them that one for sure
00:16:42
I've heard that plenty of times and what
00:16:46
does it do stops the conversation or it
00:16:49
starts a fight sounds like you want to
00:16:52
be like the other kids completely
00:16:55
different conversation but that's and he
00:16:58
might say dad you know sometimes I feel
00:17:00
like I don't fit in now my mother would
00:17:03
have said what do you mean you don't fit
00:17:04
in of course you fit in you're a good
00:17:05
boy you're a good-looking boy you're
00:17:07
nice
00:17:08
boy and that's not helpful either what's
00:17:11
just helpful is so sometimes you feel
00:17:14
like you don't fit him and then give it
00:17:16
a breath so they're the ones solving
00:17:21
their problem now at the end of a half
00:17:22
an hour he says I still want to have
00:17:24
blue hair I'm going to tell him no way
00:17:26
in hell as long as you live in my house
00:17:29
because it's not cool to look weird I
00:17:32
mean if you look weird you're going to
00:17:33
hang out with weird people right it's
00:17:36
okay to have
00:17:38
boundaries around Behavior some parents
00:17:40
they have like no boundaries and I think
00:17:44
some boundaries are appropriate what
00:17:46
does No Boundaries lead to like from a
00:17:49
neuroscience and from a study
00:17:51
perspective of what is what happens if
00:17:53
it leads to mental health problems so
00:17:56
there's um this great study out of the
00:17:58
University of Oregon we looked at 10,000
00:18:01
families and they looked at parenting
00:18:05
along two Dimensions parents who were um
00:18:11
firm versus
00:18:14
permissive and then hostile versus
00:18:18
loving and if you take those two
00:18:20
Dimensions you end up with four types of
00:18:23
parents uh permissive and hostile
00:18:27
permissive and firm
00:18:29
loving and permissive loving and firm
00:18:33
and they looked at what were the
00:18:36
consequences or the outcome of each
00:18:38
parenting style do you have a sense what
00:18:41
would be worse what would be the worst
00:18:43
one that creates the most trouble you
00:18:46
would think that it's hostile and
00:18:48
permissive hostile and permissive the
00:18:50
worst what do you think is the second
00:18:53
worst loving and permissive loving and
00:18:56
permissive shocking wow because children
00:19:00
need boundaries and the loving and
00:19:04
permissive ones had more mental health
00:19:07
challenges than the Hostile and firm now
00:19:12
that's not helpful right that creates
00:19:15
anxiety but children need boundaries I
00:19:19
often say God gave us parents until our
00:19:21
frontal loes develop right the front
00:19:24
third of the brain the most human part
00:19:27
of the brain Focus For Thought judgment
00:19:29
impulse control and that's why you need
00:19:33
parents to help guide you and the one of
00:19:38
the big mistakes we make as a society is
00:19:43
we abdicate parenting before their
00:19:46
frontal loes are developed so I'm like
00:19:48
not a big fan of sending children away
00:19:50
to college because you're going to take
00:19:53
their undeveloped prefrontal cortex and
00:19:57
put them in a dorm with a whole bunch of
00:20:00
other undeveloped prefrontal courtesies
00:20:03
bad idea and you know I'd learned this
00:20:06
as a child psychiatrist send kids away
00:20:09
to school the incident anxiety goes up
00:20:12
depression goes up suicide goes up
00:20:15
addiction goes up and uh it's not a good
00:20:19
thing how were you able to go get around
00:20:21
that with your kids going to college as
00:20:23
well well I mean one of my daughters
00:20:25
wanted to go to the University of
00:20:26
Virginia always across the other I'm
00:20:28
like no you have to go to somewhere I
00:20:31
can drive to see you in three hours wow
00:20:34
wow so yeah that's it's really
00:20:36
interesting this limits and rules
00:20:39
building mental fortitude that you talk
00:20:41
about
00:20:42
because it's it's hard to know I think
00:20:45
as a parent and it comes back to the
00:20:47
earlier point that you were saying that
00:20:49
we're just dealing with so much
00:20:51
ourselves like people are busy they're
00:20:54
stressed they are on their phone just
00:20:56
trying to decompress after a long day
00:20:59
and what I liked about what you said was
00:21:01
20 minutes of no questions no commands
00:21:05
and no
00:21:06
directions that I think is really
00:21:08
powerful and a special takeaway for
00:21:11
people because it may be really hard to
00:21:13
give quality time but I love the
00:21:15
definition of quality time becoming no
00:21:17
directions no commands and no questions
00:21:21
because it seems like that's what our
00:21:23
relationship becomes about with children
00:21:25
and what do all of those do if your
00:21:27
relationship is just giving the kids
00:21:28
commands directions questions what ends
00:21:31
up happening to the relationship they
00:21:32
shut
00:21:33
down and if you're just in their space
00:21:37
and and you know as a child
00:21:40
psychiatrist you know I've seen
00:21:41
thousands of children over the years and
00:21:43
often parents go he won't talk to you he
00:21:46
doesn't want to be here he won't talk to
00:21:48
you I go yeah it's really hard to be me
00:21:51
and I just sit there and I'll play games
00:21:54
with them but while I'm playing a game
00:21:57
with them in a game they choose they
00:21:59
chat you know they talk about what's
00:22:01
going on in their dreams what goes on at
00:22:04
home what goes on what game would you
00:22:06
play with them I mean we'll play cards
00:22:08
we'll play Shoots and Ladders we'll play
00:22:09
Monopoly we'll play all sorts of
00:22:11
different games um and one of my
00:22:15
favorite games is the storytelling game
00:22:18
where I'll they'll start a story and
00:22:21
I'll they'll have a sentence all of a
00:22:23
sentence all of a sentence and you
00:22:24
really get to see how their minds work
00:22:28
why does that work why is that a great
00:22:30
interaction point that allows them to
00:22:32
open up because kids if you just say
00:22:35
tell me your problem they'll have no
00:22:37
idea and they'll freeze if you play a
00:22:40
game with them or you go for a walk with
00:22:42
them then they begin to open up if they
00:22:45
know you'll listen and we just we're in
00:22:49
a society that's talking over each other
00:22:53
parents are anxious and they want to
00:22:54
solve things and they talk too much so
00:22:57
if I can get people to use less words
00:23:01
and be more present it's gold for them
00:23:07
how do you know if a child is becoming
00:23:08
more mentally strong or more mentally
00:23:10
weak as you're practicing some of these
00:23:12
methods what do you notice what are the
00:23:14
habits or the core traits of a mentally
00:23:16
strong child and a mentally weak child
00:23:19
so mentally strong kids don't believe
00:23:22
everything they think this is so
00:23:26
important before in other episodes we've
00:23:28
talked about killing the ants the
00:23:29
automatic negative thoughts actually I
00:23:31
have a child's book called Captain snout
00:23:34
and the superpower questions where I
00:23:36
wrote specifically to teach kids to
00:23:40
question their automatic thoughts and so
00:23:44
a vulnerable child so maybe wouldn't say
00:23:47
mentally weak we just say vulnerable is
00:23:50
you notice they have stinking thinking
00:23:54
that they mind read they fortune tell
00:23:57
they focus on what's wrong rather than
00:24:01
on what's right a strong child still
00:24:04
have those thoughts but they'll question
00:24:07
them they just won't attach
00:24:11
to um what I call the different kinds of
00:24:14
ants and blame is like the worst ant you
00:24:17
know it's you blame other people for
00:24:20
your life you become a victim and you
00:24:22
become powerless what is it I can do
00:24:25
today to solve this problem and that's
00:24:28
the essence of the book along with love
00:24:31
and logic what is it I can do today to
00:24:34
solve this problem yeah obviously none
00:24:36
of us are perfect and I think every
00:24:38
parent is already judging themselves in
00:24:42
how they are a parent I think a lot of
00:24:44
people carry that weight around and they
00:24:46
carry that stress around of I'm not a
00:24:48
good parent I wish I could have handled
00:24:50
that better I shouldn't have said that I
00:24:52
should have said that what's a healthy
00:24:55
way to repair a mistake you've made
00:24:58
maybe you've said something you wish you
00:25:00
didn't say you did something you
00:25:01
shouldn't have done and you've done it a
00:25:03
few times what's a healthy way to repair
00:25:06
that Bond well there's a guilt cycle
00:25:09
that people get into they
00:25:13
overreact and then they feel bad about
00:25:15
it so they don't react and they let bad
00:25:18
behavior go and they let it go and they
00:25:20
let it go and then they can't stand it
00:25:21
and then they explode and then they feel
00:25:24
guilty and so they don't react and they
00:25:26
don't react and then they don't react
00:25:28
and then they overreact and so the trick
00:25:31
is when their's Behavior you don't like
00:25:35
deal with it as opposed to let it go
00:25:39
it's like deal with it in the moment and
00:25:41
you're going to make mistakes Lord knows
00:25:42
I've made lots of mistakes but every day
00:25:46
I win or I learn right I'm working with
00:25:49
an Olympic athlete that I just love so
00:25:52
much Alicia Newman she's a Canadian uh
00:25:56
record holder for pole vating
00:25:58
and um she's such a mess when I saw her
00:26:01
she did my show scam my brain and now
00:26:05
she's so mentally strong because every
00:26:08
tournament she wins or she learns and as
00:26:13
a parent that's the mindset is you know
00:26:16
we had a really great day and when you
00:26:18
don't have a great day why didn't we
00:26:21
have a great day and you think about it
00:26:24
in the book there's all sorts of brain
00:26:26
reasons why you didn't have a great day
00:26:27
you didn't sleep you went too long
00:26:31
without food um there's the time change
00:26:36
you know that has more bad days just
00:26:38
because you know as a society we become
00:26:41
jetlagged all at once so if you can just
00:26:45
be
00:26:47
curious rather than being Furious it
00:26:51
helps you so much so if we have a really
00:26:54
great day it's like okay why' that
00:26:56
happen and just be thought
00:26:59
and the default is always firm and kind
00:27:04
and the softer your voice the more they
00:27:06
pay attention to it if you're screaming
00:27:09
they tune you out and they get
00:27:12
mad it's so interesting as I'm listening
00:27:14
to you I'm thinking as you gave in the
00:27:16
example of the Olympic
00:27:18
Athlete we need this for oursel right
00:27:20
now at this age because our child self
00:27:24
didn't probably get this kind of
00:27:26
parenting or wasn't exposed to this and
00:27:28
so even that statement you just said
00:27:30
that I either win or I learn I think
00:27:33
that's a habit that any of us listening
00:27:34
to this right now need to develop
00:27:36
because I think just as we're harsher on
00:27:38
children or harsher on someone else it's
00:27:41
comes from a fact that we're harsh on
00:27:42
ourselves like there's this inner critic
00:27:45
and this inner voice that breathes
00:27:46
negativity and as you said the guilt
00:27:48
cycle that continues it seems that that
00:27:53
then becomes the externalized version is
00:27:55
how we treat the kids and then again we
00:27:57
feel guilty for doing that because we
00:27:58
know it's wrong when you're trying to
00:28:01
become mentally strong yourself but you
00:28:02
feel like you don't have time your kids
00:28:04
need dinner cooked you need to do their
00:28:07
homework with them like I feel like
00:28:09
there's a massive loss of time balance
00:28:13
the ability to cater to this what do
00:28:16
people do when they're like Jay I'm just
00:28:18
surviving like I'm just putting food on
00:28:20
the table we just about even surviving
00:28:22
for myself to be able to switch on the
00:28:24
TV in the evening after the kids were
00:28:25
asleep like I get no time for myself how
00:28:28
do we balance that time that's why
00:28:30
special time is not two hours with the
00:28:33
child it's doable you're playing the
00:28:35
long game and too often parents love
00:28:40
their children so much it's we're going
00:28:42
to do soccer and we're going to do dance
00:28:44
and we're going to do music and we're
00:28:46
gonna and it's like stop that you need
00:28:49
time to spend with each other and you're
00:28:52
like well but I have to do my homework
00:28:54
with the children it's like please don't
00:28:57
that's not what this want you to do they
00:28:59
want the children to do the homework and
00:29:03
if they don't do it let the kids pay the
00:29:06
consequences but then what parents do is
00:29:09
they get into this fortune telling thing
00:29:11
it's like well then they won't get into
00:29:13
the best preschool and they won't get
00:29:15
into the best school and they won't go
00:29:16
to Harvard and their life will be
00:29:18
terrible and like I went to a junior
00:29:20
college a community college I'm actually
00:29:23
in the Hall of Fame at Orange Co college
00:29:26
and I actually think many people Mark
00:29:29
cubin actually said that it's like most
00:29:31
people should go to a community college
00:29:33
because it's such a low cost and it's
00:29:36
the same education right but people have
00:29:39
this idea of prestige is attached to
00:29:43
myself esteem and it's and Prestige is a
00:29:47
French word comes from a French word for
00:29:50
deceit right that I mean I went to a
00:29:53
community college my life is
00:29:55
awesome because I work hard right and
00:29:59
ultimately another point you never want
00:30:01
to tell a child they're smart I mean
00:30:03
parents get so proud you're so smart
00:30:04
don't ever do that go you work hard
00:30:08
because if you tell them they're smart
00:30:10
and they can't learn something their
00:30:13
self-esteem drops if you go I really
00:30:16
like how hard you're working and they
00:30:18
come up with something hard they work
00:30:20
harder and you also teach kids cuz
00:30:23
mentally strong people ask questions and
00:30:26
too often it's like no I want to ask
00:30:27
questions I don't want to appear dumb
00:30:29
it's like mentally strong people to ask
00:30:32
questions and so when I was in
00:30:34
elementary school I'd never ask a
00:30:36
question and then I realized because I
00:30:38
was in the Army and I took three years
00:30:40
between high school and college and I
00:30:42
was able to grow up and I'm like oh you
00:30:45
have to ask questions right I learned
00:30:47
that in the Army if you ask a question
00:30:49
and somebody says no ask somebody else
00:30:51
because they're more likely to say yes
00:30:53
right so I learned that I don't just
00:30:55
accept no but in school it's like oh let
00:30:59
me ask questions if I don't understand
00:31:01
something odds are people don't
00:31:02
understand those well what are some of
00:31:04
those other statements that parents say
00:31:06
to kids that they think they're saying
00:31:07
the right thing but they end up
00:31:10
backfiring because they make it harder
00:31:12
for the child to live up to that what
00:31:14
are some of those other statements it'll
00:31:15
be okay like or I'll take care of it for
00:31:19
you if they're having problems with
00:31:21
another child at school they immediately
00:31:23
in the principal's office they're not
00:31:26
listening to the child and going so how
00:31:29
do you think you can handle that or what
00:31:31
did they go and they fix it and that's
00:31:35
death to their self-esteem now of course
00:31:38
if it's dangerous or bullying or abuse
00:31:40
you have to step in and take care of it
00:31:43
but for the day-to-day stuff how do you
00:31:46
think you can solve this as opposed to
00:31:51
well I had that problem when you were
00:31:53
when I was your age and this is what I
00:31:55
did and this is what you should do don't
00:31:57
do that
00:31:59
because it steals their self-esteem it
00:32:02
steals their agency what is it you can
00:32:05
do I'm rooting for you rather than boy
00:32:09
that's a dumb decision yeah yeah wow no
00:32:13
I'm rooting for I mean that's so huge in
00:32:15
our friendships it's so huge in marriage
00:32:17
it's it's huge with kids I think it's so
00:32:20
easy to just say this is what I did this
00:32:23
is what you should do this is the right
00:32:24
way to do it this is easy and we think
00:32:27
we're basically doing a shortcut because
00:32:29
we're not listening we're not actually
00:32:31
bonding we're not connecting and we're
00:32:33
trying to jump to a conclusion that
00:32:35
hopefully we think solves the issue and
00:32:37
a lot of this comes back to what we've
00:32:38
both mentioned in this conversation is
00:32:40
that there's this
00:32:42
subconscious ego attachment to the child
00:32:45
succeeding is being a reflection of our
00:32:48
self-esteem our self-worth our
00:32:50
selfesteem gets wrapped up in our
00:32:53
child's self-worth and self-esteem and
00:32:55
now you know subconsciously we're living
00:32:58
our dreams through them that's not as
00:32:59
basic as saying I want my kid to be a
00:33:02
doctor because I am but there there's
00:33:04
other more subtle versions of that how
00:33:07
do people disconnect from that ego
00:33:09
because it seems to be so subtle and so
00:33:13
hidden but it's there and I think
00:33:15
everyone notices it with their parents
00:33:16
when their parents are acting in that
00:33:19
way but almost when we become parents we
00:33:21
we're completely oblivious to that
00:33:23
ego and it's so important it's often so
00:33:28
toxic if someone is living an unrealized
00:33:32
life that they pour a lot of it into
00:33:36
their child and it makes these kids
00:33:40
miserable and it doesn't give them a
00:33:42
sense of agency it
00:33:44
constrains them um and they often rebel
00:33:48
against it as opposed to what do you
00:33:52
want to do it'll make you a good living
00:33:54
so I don't have to support
00:33:56
you
00:33:58
and I love my six children but I never
00:34:03
want to have to live with them right so
00:34:06
I want to
00:34:07
create competent people who can care for
00:34:12
themselves it's like oh go Live Your
00:34:14
Dream whether or not you can take care
00:34:16
of yourself and that's going to set them
00:34:18
up to be miserable if you're dependent
00:34:21
on someone else uh you're miserable
00:34:26
entitled people are never happy um
00:34:30
another thing is and uh I posted this on
00:34:34
Tik Tok and it got like 7 million views
00:34:37
um Hallmark of mental strength um I
00:34:42
don't do things for people who do not
00:34:44
treat me with
00:34:46
respect whoa so you know your child
00:34:50
misbehaves you love them so much it
00:34:53
doesn't matter you you know give them
00:34:56
everything they want anyways
00:34:58
death I don't do nice things for people
00:35:01
who I feel don't treat me with
00:35:03
respect it doesn't mean you don't feed
00:35:05
them of course you feed them but you're
00:35:08
not taking them to the store and you're
00:35:10
not doing nice things for them I mean
00:35:13
you need to teach them their
00:35:15
consequences so the third part so it's
00:35:19
goal setting
00:35:21
bonding so much there and so many mental
00:35:26
illnesses are a attached to attachments
00:35:30
that become broken could you walk us
00:35:33
through those so uh John bul is sort of
00:35:36
the famous attachment uh psychologist
00:35:41
and he said that if we're not connected
00:35:46
to our moms or dads um it puts us at
00:35:49
Great risk for mental health problems
00:35:52
and he's absolutely right and often the
00:35:56
break in the bond between your mother or
00:35:59
your father or it can be any primary
00:36:02
caretaker caretaker creates this rage
00:36:07
inside of you and then you feel guilt
00:36:11
about the
00:36:13
rage and so you attack yourself and you
00:36:17
know many people who live with this
00:36:19
negative chatter in their head and it's
00:36:22
often that specific
00:36:25
Dynamic that they furious at their
00:36:29
mother their father you know perhaps a
00:36:32
divorce happened when they were four or
00:36:34
five or they had a sibling die when they
00:36:36
were for something happen they get
00:36:39
really angry but that's not appropriate
00:36:42
because these are the people that feed
00:36:43
me so rage guilt about the rage and then
00:36:48
self attack and they live with that
00:36:51
their whole lives I can't tell you the
00:36:52
number of people um and when you're four
00:36:56
or five or six
00:36:58
you think of yourself at the center of
00:37:00
the world and so if something good
00:37:03
happens you sort of think it's because
00:37:04
of you if something bad happens you
00:37:08
think it's because of you and you end up
00:37:11
with this chronic sense of being
00:37:14
bad and uh there's a specific type of
00:37:18
therapy I like it's called intensive
00:37:20
short-term Dynamic
00:37:22
Psychotherapy and it's often getting
00:37:26
to the feelings underneath and rage and
00:37:31
attachment and guilt about the rage are
00:37:34
often the significant piece of it
00:37:37
sometimes it's hard because I feel like
00:37:38
a lot of
00:37:40
people may be feeling like you
00:37:42
know I don't understand my child like
00:37:45
they're angry they're upset they you
00:37:49
know they they kind of want to
00:37:51
disconnect what do you do in that
00:37:53
situation where do you start well I
00:37:56
think you first start with the simple
00:37:58
things
00:38:00
time and look at what they're eating cuz
00:38:04
that matters um I have one patient who
00:38:07
would go in a rage whenever he got red
00:38:12
dye
00:38:14
and people go red dye yeah red dye
00:38:17
number 40 um and so like every sweet in
00:38:21
candy think of Red Vines yeah and it's
00:38:25
even in cough syrup for children or hard
00:38:28
candies red dye number 40 and he would
00:38:32
go in a rage and when they would take
00:38:34
away red die he'd be fine but sometimes
00:38:37
he' get it accidentally and he'd rage
00:38:39
and so I actually scanned him you know
00:38:41
that's what I do I look at people's
00:38:43
brains and so we scanned him no red dye
00:38:47
for a month and his brain was healthy we
00:38:51
gave him Red Vines that have red D
00:38:55
number 40 in it and his brain went
00:38:58
like it
00:38:59
exploded that dramatic hyperactivity in
00:39:03
his brain and
00:39:05
so if you're really struggling with your
00:39:08
child and you use the principles Dr Fay
00:39:11
and I talk about in this book and you're
00:39:14
still struggling is probably a good idea
00:39:16
to get him assessed and on average it's
00:39:22
years between the time a child first has
00:39:25
a symptom anxiety depression OCD
00:39:30
add between they have a symptom and they
00:39:33
get assessed and so many bright people
00:39:36
go I never give my kids drugs and it's
00:39:39
like if he's diabetic you give them
00:39:42
drugs if if he had heart disease you
00:39:44
give them drugs it's like and I'm not
00:39:46
advocating drugs right I mean I own a
00:39:49
supplement company um but I'm not
00:39:53
opposed if I do the all the things I
00:39:56
know how to do then I use medicine to do
00:39:59
it people like don't really see the
00:40:02
brain as an organ right they have to get
00:40:06
the progression your brain physical
00:40:09
function of your brain creates your mind
00:40:13
and if your brain's not right your
00:40:15
mind's not right and so what are all the
00:40:20
ways
00:40:22
that a mind can be trouble right so if
00:40:26
you have a child that's not sleeping
00:40:28
that has nightmares that has Tantrums
00:40:31
that won't go away they don't socially
00:40:33
connect they're obsessive it's like at
00:40:36
some point you have to go what's going
00:40:38
on in their brain and there's a whole
00:40:40
section in the book on brain health for
00:40:45
kids of course you got to model it as as
00:40:47
a parent but what you feed them matters
00:40:51
how much sleep they get matters I have
00:40:54
another really fun book called time for
00:40:57
bed sleepy head which is a hypnotic
00:40:59
bedtime story for children I actually
00:41:02
used to do it with my daughter Brienne
00:41:04
when she was three I did it from three
00:41:06
until eight she loved the story so much
00:41:10
um and think of your kids in four big
00:41:13
circles they have a biology so we talked
00:41:16
about their brain they have a psychology
00:41:18
how they think they have a Social Circle
00:41:22
what their environment like and there's
00:41:26
a spirit ual Circle which most child
00:41:29
Christ wouldn't touch but it's sort of
00:41:31
like why do you care you know why do you
00:41:33
think you're on the planet what's your
00:41:35
sense of meaning and purpose because
00:41:39
purposeful people are happier purposeful
00:41:42
people I mean what am I on on purpose
00:41:45
right they they live longer and so
00:41:48
nurturing those four circles so
00:41:52
important for the kids what does what
00:41:54
does loving discipline look like because
00:41:56
I think it's it sounds good like we're
00:41:59
all like yeah I would I would love to be
00:42:00
disciplined but I'd love to be loving
00:42:01
and often we don't even figure out what
00:42:03
that means in the workplace let alone
00:42:05
with kids we're either loving or
00:42:07
disciplined but we're not I think it
00:42:09
should be both what does it look like
00:42:12
well you know we haven't gotten to rules
00:42:15
I I think families should have them
00:42:16
Society has
00:42:18
rules like tell the truth uh do what Mom
00:42:22
and Dad say the first time I love that
00:42:24
rule uh because do you know your chance
00:42:27
of abusing the child if you tell a child
00:42:29
to do something five times your chance
00:42:31
of abusing that child just went up
00:42:34
significantly and so if you have the
00:42:37
expectation they'll do things the first
00:42:40
time it's like Caitlyn take you know I
00:42:43
want you to take out the trash like in
00:42:45
the next half hour and if she doesn't
00:42:48
it's like sweetheart you have a choice
00:42:52
you can take it out now or you can have
00:42:55
this consequence and then you can take
00:42:56
it out I don't care it's up to you and I
00:42:58
love that part of not being attached to
00:43:01
it I love her I'm really clear and she's
00:43:05
getting that consequence if she doesn't
00:43:06
move like um stop threatening them and
00:43:12
then not following through uh because
00:43:15
you teach
00:43:16
them that you have to tell them and get
00:43:19
angry and be a bit crazy in order for
00:43:22
them to do what you ask them to do and I
00:43:26
I I like the rules and rhythms and
00:43:27
routines I remember in my home after
00:43:29
dinner me and my sister would clean up
00:43:31
and we had a little rotor of who washed
00:43:34
up that day and who clean the table that
00:43:35
day and it was just something that went
00:43:37
around every day we take it in turns and
00:43:40
my sister was four years younger than me
00:43:42
and we' just do it together and it
00:43:43
became this thing that we just did and
00:43:45
it became natural became a habit and it
00:43:47
made us accountable and responsible to
00:43:49
each other as well as well as our
00:43:51
parents and it was a really neat way of
00:43:53
kind of giving us that rules and you
00:43:55
know I think sometimes we think of rules
00:43:56
as like like strict rules and guidelines
00:43:59
but actually it can be just a rhythm and
00:44:00
a routine in and it's building
00:44:03
confidence and skill and you're part of
00:44:07
the family rather than you're
00:44:10
entitled to live in that family yeah
00:44:13
yeah and the earlier you start the the
00:44:16
better it is um for kids I mean it's
00:44:19
it's hard if you not spend any time with
00:44:22
children by the time they're 14 their
00:44:24
friends are more important than you are
00:44:27
and that's the heartbreaking thing I've
00:44:30
learned is if you're not spending time
00:44:35
with them their friends will take your
00:44:37
place and they may not have the advice
00:44:41
they may not have the right ear for you
00:44:45
and it makes them more vulnerable to all
00:44:48
the scary stuff that's on social media
00:44:51
well I was going to ask you about that I
00:44:52
think a lot of challenges that parents
00:44:54
have today are my child is addicted Ed
00:44:57
to social media they're addicted to
00:44:59
their phone forget spending time with
00:45:01
them I can't even get them to look up
00:45:04
and make I contact what have you seen
00:45:07
what have you experienced there's a
00:45:08
whole section on technology yes is you
00:45:11
can have technology and I recommend you
00:45:14
delay it as long as humanly possible
00:45:17
because it's not in their best interest
00:45:20
but you can have technology as long as
00:45:22
it's not creating a problem in the
00:45:23
family and if we're not connecting
00:45:26
that's a problem in the family if you're
00:45:29
at dinner um now you can't be on your
00:45:32
phone all dinner and tell your child
00:45:35
they can't be on theirs right so
00:45:37
probably everybody should put their
00:45:39
phones away so you can connect right
00:45:43
modeling mentally strong parents
00:45:46
ultimately raise mentally strong kids
00:45:49
but the problem with social media and
00:45:53
you're on social media I'm on social
00:45:55
media
00:45:57
it creates this toxic level of
00:46:00
self-absorption
00:46:01
you know who's looking at me who am I
00:46:04
looking at who's following me um and
00:46:08
self-absorbed people are
00:46:10
never never happy but that's become such
00:46:14
a challenge now right that it's it's the
00:46:18
thing everyone's addicted to it's the
00:46:19
thing everyone wants it's like you said
00:46:22
parents are on their phones they're not
00:46:24
going to stop straight away what do you
00:46:25
see being the Silver Lining or the light
00:46:28
at the end of a tunnel that's going to
00:46:29
have that breakthrough with a child like
00:46:32
what what do you think that would
00:46:34
be well you know I'd go back to delay it
00:46:37
as long as you can even you know if the
00:46:41
child's like everybody's doing it CU
00:46:43
everybody's not doing it but it's it's
00:46:46
like I love you so much I'm going to
00:46:49
protect you all the studies all of them
00:46:52
say that it makes kids more vulnerable
00:46:55
to bad things um
00:46:58
and then what's it doing to our brain
00:46:59
what's social media doing to our brain
00:47:02
well addicting
00:47:04
that um there's a a book I love called
00:47:07
thrilled to death uh it's continually
00:47:12
pressing on your nucleus accumbens that
00:47:15
produces dopamine continually pressing
00:47:19
on the pleasure centers in your brain
00:47:22
but the problem with that is the more
00:47:24
you press on them they begin to become
00:47:27
numb and you need more and more
00:47:30
excitement more and more stimulation in
00:47:33
order to feel anything at all and you
00:47:37
know I see it with the wonderful famous
00:47:40
people I've been blessed to see I see it
00:47:44
in kids who are addict I mean they're
00:47:47
actually
00:47:48
programs sent and I've sent a number of
00:47:51
kids away to video game internet
00:47:55
addiction program M and when they get
00:47:58
away from it they become sweet again I
00:48:02
had one kid who parents took away video
00:48:05
games he broke up all the furniture in
00:48:08
his room and I'm like needs program well
00:48:12
we decided to do take away all the
00:48:14
gadgets good and I scanned him a month
00:48:18
later and then I scanned him while he
00:48:20
was playing one of the violin video
00:48:22
games he was addicted to and it
00:48:25
deactivated his frontal loes and his
00:48:28
left temporal lobe which is an area
00:48:30
that's often involved in violence like
00:48:33
it's not a good
00:48:34
thing what what about parents that are
00:48:38
you know parents that are going through
00:48:39
a divorce going through a difficult
00:48:42
time what's the healthiest way to
00:48:44
communicate that to to a child I know I
00:48:46
know couples that are staying together
00:48:49
for the children they don't want to get
00:48:50
divorced even though they don't have a
00:48:52
healthy relationship I know others who
00:48:53
are had the divorce but they're so
00:48:55
scared about how that imp imps the child
00:48:58
what have you seen through the
00:48:59
neuroscience and research around when
00:49:02
you're staying together or breaking so
00:49:04
it's not good divorce is not good for
00:49:08
the child but staying in a chronically
00:49:12
unhappy
00:49:14
conflicted negative relationship is
00:49:17
worse so neither is good I often say to
00:49:22
the people I see the best thing you can
00:49:24
do for your child is love your spouse
00:49:27
the best thing you can do model a
00:49:29
healthy relationship but you know
00:49:32
there's no education in school on how to
00:49:34
have a healthy relationship right so
00:49:38
there should be that would be
00:49:40
helpful um when you go through a divorce
00:49:46
be really careful not to talk bad about
00:49:48
the other person because that child is
00:49:51
half you and half them if you're talking
00:49:54
bad about their mother they feel bad
00:49:56
about themselves plus it increases
00:50:00
cortisol in their body and makes them
00:50:03
much more likely to be sick so bad thing
00:50:08
often if you're going to get divorced go
00:50:11
to counseling together and figure out
00:50:14
how we are going to parent together
00:50:17
raising mentally strong kids is great
00:50:19
it's like we're going to parent this way
00:50:22
you know we have goals we have time
00:50:24
together we have rules one thing we
00:50:27
didn't talk about yet is notice what you
00:50:29
like more than what you don't right
00:50:32
there's all my whole penguin story is in
00:50:34
there which I think I probably told here
00:50:36
before but I'd love that notice what you
00:50:40
like every day you're shaping your child
00:50:43
by what you notice you're shaping your
00:50:46
partner you're shaping your employees
00:50:48
you're shaping Everybody by what you pay
00:50:51
attention to and so notice what you like
00:50:54
more than what you don't and that really
00:50:57
solidifies The Kind part of effective
00:51:00
parenting I've also been thinking a lot
00:51:03
about I was sharing with some families
00:51:06
over last week when I was doing some
00:51:08
events this idea around how mindfulness
00:51:11
and meditation can look very different
00:51:14
for children and so I don't think all
00:51:16
kids need to be forced to sit in one
00:51:18
place and close their eyes I also think
00:51:20
that mindfulness can be an activity of
00:51:23
hey when you're outside today see if you
00:51:25
can find as many red things as possible
00:51:28
like when you go out door today come
00:51:29
back and give me a list of things that
00:51:30
you found that were red or can you find
00:51:33
as many leaves that look like stars or
00:51:35
any stones that look like stars today
00:51:37
when you're out and about and I think
00:51:38
mindfulness can actually become alive
00:51:41
when we're actually living it and
00:51:42
breathing it when they're out and about
00:51:45
as opposed to this feeling of kids need
00:51:46
to learn it in a certain way what have
00:51:49
you seen with well and they don't sit
00:51:51
well yes yes exactly that's my it
00:51:53
doesn't mean they have ADHD May mean
00:51:57
their nervous system isn't fully
00:51:58
melinated right it's not fully
00:52:00
myelinated for people that don't know
00:52:02
what that means when you're born you
00:52:05
actually don't have much myin in your
00:52:07
brain um as we develop our neurons get
00:52:12
wrapped with a white fatty substance
00:52:15
called myelin and a myelinated neuron
00:52:19
Works 10 to 100 times faster than an
00:52:24
unmated one and our when we're 2 months
00:52:27
old our occipital opes in the back
00:52:29
Vision become melinated and so when you
00:52:32
look at a baby and smile they smile back
00:52:34
they don't do it as newborns because
00:52:36
their visual cortex isn't working fast
00:52:39
and then slowly myelination goes from
00:52:42
the back and comes to the front when
00:52:44
finishes about when we're 25 and so
00:52:48
expecting the child to act like an adult
00:52:52
bad bad bad but you can teach them self
00:52:57
soothing techniques from the age of four
00:53:01
I think take a big
00:53:02
breath really slow slow as you can
00:53:06
breathe it out as slow as you can and
00:53:08
that'll Cal when they get anxious so you
00:53:12
know yeah what I'm hearing from you
00:53:14
today is that it's really helping them
00:53:18
develop the tools that they're going to
00:53:20
need long term the challenge is we need
00:53:22
to know what those tools are ourselves
00:53:24
do them for our do them for ourselves
00:53:26
believe in them because otherwise we
00:53:29
like you said we rush to solve their
00:53:31
problems we try and make up for their
00:53:34
losses they never get to become
00:53:36
independent resilient
00:53:38
individuals and talk to us about where
00:53:40
love fits into all of this like what
00:53:43
does love look like with your child
00:53:45
Beyond Time and Beyond certain things
00:53:47
you've said today what does love really
00:53:49
look like what does love mean because I
00:53:51
think when you think about what parents
00:53:53
ultimately want they want to be loving
00:53:55
parents that's what everyone wants to
00:53:56
they want to love their child but love
00:53:58
overcomes as overcompensating love often
00:54:01
translates as overs solving over fixing
00:54:04
overdoing and overwhelming and forcing
00:54:07
them to be overachievers and so even
00:54:10
though we love them we end up doing all
00:54:11
these things that cause them pain so
00:54:14
love is when you want to bring their
00:54:17
homework to school it's not because you
00:54:21
love them and you want the best for them
00:54:25
which is becoming mentally strong that's
00:54:29
love love is putting away your phone and
00:54:33
spending time with them love is when
00:54:36
they go and when they're 10 and go all
00:54:38
my friends have a phone what if a school
00:54:41
shooter comes and I can't get a hold of
00:54:43
you children are manipulative quite
00:54:45
frankly all of us are manipulative and
00:54:48
it's like you know they're just too many
00:54:50
risks with that that's love
00:54:54
it's setting bound boundaries in a kind
00:54:59
consistent way and ultimately Love Is
00:55:03
You developing these tools so you can be
00:55:07
firm and kind at the same time beautiful
00:55:12
Dr Daniel aan everyone the book is
00:55:14
called raising mentally strong kids how
00:55:17
to combine the power of Neuroscience
00:55:19
with love and logic to grow confident
00:55:21
kind responsible and resilient children
00:55:23
and young adults if you don't have a
00:55:25
copy already go and grab yours right now
00:55:27
Dr D what a gift to talk to you again
00:55:30
about this subject uh like we've said
00:55:32
you've had come on many many times first
00:55:34
time that we've really Doven into kids
00:55:36
and raising them uh and I'm so grateful
00:55:39
that you put this book together for
00:55:40
everyone else to read and share and I
00:55:42
hope that parents will develop book
00:55:44
clubs around it communities around it
00:55:46
because I think this
00:55:48
conversation of
00:55:50
raising mentally strong kids needs to be
00:55:52
at the center of our schools our homes
00:55:54
our families because it's going to set
00:55:56
them up and set our society and World up
00:56:00
for so much success so thank you so much
00:56:01
for doing this honestly thank you my
00:56:03
friend thank you if you love this
00:56:06
episode you'll love my interview with Dr
00:56:08
gabo mate on understanding your trauma
00:56:12
and how to heal emotional wounds to
00:56:14
start moving on from the past everything
00:56:17
in nature grows only where it's
00:56:18
vulnerable so a tree doesn't grow where
00:56:20
it's hard and thick does it it goes
00:56:22
where it's soft and green and vulnerable