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what's up you guys welcome back to the
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channel it's live I'm so nervous right
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now this is like crazy this video is
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going to be strictly about
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me um I know there has been like a lot
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of just a lot of BS going on on social
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media regarding my relationship this is
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not no negativity there's really there's
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not a lot like I feel like it's so crazy
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because when I be seeing [ __ ] like when
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I see negative stuff I'm not even like
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experiencing those things where should I
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even start like I said this video is
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going to be specifically just me talking
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about myself and just what I go through
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I haven't been to a therapist I haven't
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been diagnosed with like anything when
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you look up symptoms of anxiety I have
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anxiety when you look up symptoms of
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depression you know what let's say past
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tense I don't claim that anymore so I'm
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not claiming that I had really bad
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anxiety and I had really bad depression
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sometimes you don't even know like what
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you're going through you know what I
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mean like you can be depressed and like
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you can just be like in a funk for like
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months but like you don't realize it
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let's just backtrack before I even did
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social media before I was even on social
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media I was a very social person person
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like I love to be social I worked in um
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Hospitality um doing
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Serving and yeah I actually liked
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interacting with like strangers I like
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talking to people
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and I like that so I've never had an
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anxiety issue feel like my anxiety and
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depression really started after having
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children
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and okay okay so y'all know that we
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moved back to New York moved back to New
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York like last year and we moved and we
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only lived there for like less than a
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year but we did move back to New York
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and it's a reason why I moved back to
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New York and it kind of like that's
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really like
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when a lot of [ __ ] started like us
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moving back to New York and like that
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whole like us time over there and [ __ ]
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like that have to like really like go
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back to like my own childhood so and
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this is not me trying to like blame my
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childhood it's just me
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realizing everything connects like
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everything connects like your behavior
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patterns connect to like childhood
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things we went through or just things
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how you were as a child or you know what
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I mean or past things everything it just
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connects I wanted to move back to New
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York because I had just had jet I had
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rain as well and I had no family
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support and being because I was living
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in Atlanta and I don't have any family
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in Atlanta all my family lives in New
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York I just was feeling really
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that having kids
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like okay so having kids was a really
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happy time for me
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but having kids was a happy time for me
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but it was also a emotional time just
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because I didn't have the family support
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that like I thought I had I grew
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up in like two different households both
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my parents had different
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spouses and honestly a a majority a lot
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of my growing up I always felt like I
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just was never put first as a child like
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I feel like my parents always put their
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spouse in their spouse's love life over
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me you don't realize that as a child you
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realize that when you get older you're
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just like damn like start thinking about
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like everything and like my parents
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didn't like each other would talk a lot
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of [ __ ] like would talk to me about the
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other parent so yeah I just grew up in
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like just like toxic households I never
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really felt
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like I belonged like anywhere you know
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what I mean like I kind of was just like
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always here there everywhere I moved a
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bunch of times um I'm sorry if I sound
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like this this is like I when I start
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getting like when I start talking about
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[ __ ] my voice gets like I get like shaky
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but so yeah so I I moved a bunch of
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times um and yeah like I just never had
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like a
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stable I never felt
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that
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so me knowing that you know now I'm an
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adult so that's past that's me being a
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now me being an adult me having children
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I really thought like things were going
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to change in my life and around me
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having children I was not speaking to my
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dad I have not I have not seen my dad
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it's a lot of like parts to this so it's
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like it's really confusing
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but have not seen my dad have not talked
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to my dad so when I was pregnant when I
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gave birth have not I wasn't talking to
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my dad I wasn't seeing my dad and my
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mom me and my mom
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have me talk about me and my mom's
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relationship could be a whole different
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video but let's just say when I was in
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high school I was living with my dad and
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there was a period of time where I
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stopped talking to my mom up until like
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college
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so yeah up until college and then once I
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became an adult I started talking to my
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mom on my own terms and going out my way
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to try to make a connection with her and
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then once I had moved to Vegas me and my
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dad kind of like stop talking I was kind
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of upset at him because of things
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that we went through with his like
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girlfriend so like and that's now this
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is me talking about just how I am as a
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person I shut down like when I get upset
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when I get really mad I will shut down I
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have a very not anymore I'm trying to
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like learn how to grow from that I have
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a very big like I don't give a [ __ ]
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mentality like I will cut anybody off
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and I feel like that stems from me not
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really feeling fully loved so like I
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feel like well if my own parents not
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there for me fully like it's like [ __ ]
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everybody you know what I mean and like
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even though even when my parents do try
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to be there for me as an adult I still
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have that like avoidant type don't want
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to talk about my feelings if I get upset
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I don't want
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to it's not good it's not good and
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that's like that's something I should
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really go to therapy for
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but yeah
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so after having kids I wanted to feel
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closer to my family and that's what
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prompted us to move to New York I was
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already talking about New York just
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subconsciously like not really realizing
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it but just telling well like you know
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we should go to New York like I'm just
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thinking about like how life used to be
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in New York like when I was before I had
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had children and I used to go out so I'm
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just thinking about like those memories
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and I'm thinking about like my
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family basically my
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mom so yeah I wanted to move back to New
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York and Will was very supportive about
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that decision honestly anything that I
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want to do he pretty much is like
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supportive it was around Will's birthday
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weekend I remember this was
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2022 so 2022 this was Will's birthday we
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just made the decision to like up and we
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just left New York which was the most
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irresponsible thing now that I think
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about it I regret it because we just
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left on some we'll ship the furniture
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like [ __ ] everything just really
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irresponsibly
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but it was really out of intention of
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like I want to be by my family that's
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really and then also I'm like okay I'm
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going to be by my family they're going
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to be supportive of us they're going to
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you know hopefully help us out because
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at this point I have rain he's two three
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2 years old jet it's just it's a lot on
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me and and will like we needed support
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and his family will would definitely has
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come and like helped us once we moved to
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New York I it's not really like a long
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story it's just like realizations of
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things you know like you know how when
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that's just how it is as an adult as you
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get
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older things can be sugarcoated as like
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when you're younger and like you can
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have like rose colored glasses on but as
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you you get older it's like you start to
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like really see [ __ ] for what it is
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everything was was pretty cool at first
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you know what I mean everything was cool
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my friends lived in New York I was
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hanging out with my friends I was
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actually going out I was doing stuff
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ultimately what I will say is this cuz
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I'm not here to bash I'm not here to
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bash anybody I'm not here to be negative
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what I will say
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is the support that I thought I had it
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didn't really feel like it did not feel
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like that at all
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so I come back to New York and basically
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the feeling of like what I wanted of
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that like that feeling that I thought I
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was going to get I didn't get it and
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yeah so I
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just that really like put me down
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so and not just that so things like
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those types of things were putting me
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down and around this time like you know
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this things are starting to affect me
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and my relationship we're going through
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just regular like a couple things and
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then I'm just going through my own
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insecurities I have insecurities I'm not
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perfect so that's another thing is
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like I'm not a victim you know what I
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mean like me talking about like my
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family stuff and then like my
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relationship stuff all this stuff is
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just like outside fact
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for a long time I just felt really
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lonely you're not happy within yourself
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if you feel L like a relationship cannot
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feel that void of
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like a wound
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that there's just certain wounds that
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your relationship cannot feel that void
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you have to do the work you have
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to help yourself get
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help and yeah so I think
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think I wasn't
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um I was projecting a lot so a lot of
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the anger that I was feeling towards
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like inside of myself I was projecting
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like onto my relationship maybe on to
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family maybe on to friends I was just
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projecting and yeah I had a I had a
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really big problem of not being able to
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control my emotions I could just like go
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from like Z to 100 over something that's
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like not even that deep so yeah and
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that's another thing
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so like I said I was going through the
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family situations I was going through my
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own
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insecurities basically dealing with
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postpartum depression my body I'm like
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adjusting to like my body change I'm
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adjusting to being a mom and balancing
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work life mom life
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doing all of that and then on top of
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that I have attachment issues so I'm
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severely I was severely attached in my
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relationship and in the beginning of our
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relationship we were both attached to
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each other like it was like a mutual
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type of thing but honestly y'all it's
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not good to be so attached to someone
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and I know a lot of y'all know this you
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need to have your own life you need to
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have your own goals your own Ambitions
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your own friends
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it's important like that [ __ ] is really
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important and for a long time I was
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super attached to will because I was
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saying like [ __ ] everybody else like I
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was just like I don't feel like I a
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family I feel like people are fake like
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certain friends are fake I still have
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like a few best friends that I've been
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friends with since like teenager I'm
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just talking about like you know like
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people that I'm not really like best
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friends with like that but yeah like so
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I was on some like [ __ ] everybody and
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like will was like the one person who I
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was like so attached
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to and it just got really unhealthy like
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it got really unhealthy and
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like my depression got really unhealthy
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I didn't like I wasn't every day I was
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waking up
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sad um I wasn't getting
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ready I wasn't getting ready I
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wasn't um I just felt
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like I don't I don't know my whole
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motivation was gone like I just felt
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like like besides gold juice it was like
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who who is live you know what I mean
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like what is live like what is live want
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to
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do [ __ ] like that and it's because I put
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myself in that box nobody put me in that
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box I put myself in that
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box and yeah so I just got to that point
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of just just feeling sad feeling lost
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and at the same time will is still his
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own individual he's still trying to like
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you know do his own thing and he's very
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ambitious
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and one thing about will is he pushes me
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bro any idea I come up with he's like
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yeah you should do this you should do
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that he just always pushes me I'm the
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person that I'm the one I'm the one that
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limits myself nobody limits me I limit
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myself so but like when you go through
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depression
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is kind of like out of your control so
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that's why it's really important to like
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check [ __ ] like when you start to feel a
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certain way and it it's it's important
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to cat it early just so you don't go
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down a [ __ ] rabbit hole and now
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you're just like at Rock Bottom like
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what the [ __ ]
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like what the [ __ ] my motivation was
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really down I was just really sad that
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just tumbled into like us arguing more
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him you know going out doing what he
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needs to do I used to just be very like
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calling his phone all the time just
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being like crazy bro just really crazy
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like just being crazy I feel like even
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even his friends
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his his friends know I'm crazy bro will
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is crazy too like we're we were crazy
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for each other it wasn't just like a
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oneway thing
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but it's just That's not healthy so I
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really had to just like take a step back
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and just really
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evaluate just everything like my
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relationship with myself the goals I
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want to set for myself who I see myself
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being the type of mom I want to be I
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became like a shell of like me you know
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what I mean and like it just got to the
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point of like I don't know who like I
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don't know my own identity you know what
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I mean
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so now I'm at I'm in a phase of my life
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where
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I'm just trying
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to the number one
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thing the number one important thing for
00:16:10
me is just being the best mom that I can
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be being like super mom I want them to
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like grow up and be like my mom is such
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a boss ass [ __ ] like she gets me every
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like I want to get my kids everything
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they want they could want they could
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need like I just just want to provide
00:16:29
everything for my children that's like
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number one priority number
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two I really want to build my
00:16:37
self-confidence I really miss doing
00:16:41
YouTube and I should have been doing my
00:16:44
own YouTube it's just like I told you
00:16:47
guys I was dealing with depression I was
00:16:50
dealing with
00:16:51
insecurities and that's just it's hard
00:16:55
it's hard to like deal with all those
00:16:57
things and then just come on a camera
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and try to act like you're perfect and I
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feel like I've done that for a long time
00:17:04
where I you know acted perfectly fine
00:17:08
and perfectly happy and really I'm
00:17:12
[ __ ] depressed as [ __ ] and I'm
00:17:14
sad
00:17:16
and I just don't want it to be known cuz
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I
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just I don't know it's hard for me to be
00:17:23
vulnerable I don't want people to feel
00:17:25
bad for me I don't I don't know
00:17:30
so I'm just in a phase like I'm not sad
00:17:32
you guys like I'm so like I'm not
00:17:35
claiming I'm not claiming none of that
00:17:37
sadness I'm not claiming the anger I'm
00:17:40
not claiming any of that I'm really just
00:17:43
every day trying to be a better person I
00:17:45
fell off from [ __ ] going to the gym
00:17:48
so I really want to just get back on my
00:17:52
health Journey going back to the gym
00:17:54
because when I was in the gym y'all
00:17:56
honestly I really like the gym really
00:17:58
feels like my therapy
00:18:00
because I just I love to work out I love
00:18:04
to like feel that pain and my body like
00:18:07
I don't know I just I really like it
00:18:09
once I fall off in my routine I'm like
00:18:11
off of it so I really want to get back
00:18:14
into my workout routine I want to glow
00:18:16
up bro and I I don't mean that like
00:18:19
physically I want to physically glow up
00:18:20
too but I want to like internally glow
00:18:24
up to physically glow up to career glow
00:18:29
up to everything glow up so that's where
00:18:32
I'm at with my life
00:18:35
um I want to film more YouTube videos I
00:18:38
want to get back
00:18:39
consistent and yeah this is just going
00:18:42
to be an Olivia Journey this is the
00:18:45
Journey of just me getting my
00:18:48
Independence back my bad bitchess back
00:18:52
if you guys want to be a part of this
00:18:53
journey just make sure you follow me and
00:18:57
yeah I'm going to be dropping videos
00:18:59
taking things day by day and I'm just
00:19:01
trying to be more productive every day
00:19:04
just follow me on my platforms follow me
00:19:06
on Tik Tok I think my Tik Tok is I am
00:19:08
Olivia gold or the real Olivia gold I'm
00:19:12
going to be you know getting into more
00:19:14
things in the future we can talk about
00:19:16
relationship stuff in the future
00:19:19
ultimately why you know I come across is
00:19:23
sad or why y'all
00:19:26
think or y'all think my relationship is
00:19:29
like the reason why I am the way I am
00:19:33
and it's really not obviously your
00:19:34
relationship plays a part into like
00:19:37
everything but it is not the main thing
00:19:41
of like what the [ __ ] i' be going
00:19:43
through you know what I mean like so
00:19:45
that when I see [ __ ] like that I'm just
00:19:47
like bro y'all don't even know I forgot
00:19:50
to say this I did forget to say this but
00:19:53
going back to like when I was depressed
00:19:56
and living in New York and me and will
00:19:59
were arguing a
00:20:00
lot I definitely would break up with him
00:20:04
a lot of times I
00:20:07
definitely
00:20:10
would just do toxic Behavior type things
00:20:14
and like you know say mean
00:20:17
things I've told him before I don't want
00:20:20
to marry him I have said that before out
00:20:22
of
00:20:23
anger
00:20:27
and um
00:20:30
I just I'm taking a step back you guys
00:20:32
I'm taking a step back I'm focusing on
00:20:35
me I want to
00:20:37
travel I want to start
00:20:40
businesses I want to Vlog more I want to
00:20:43
be more interactive with you
00:20:45
guys and that's really what I want to do
00:20:49
and when it comes to
00:20:52
relationships my relationship is just
00:20:55
not my number one thing right now and it
00:20:57
kind of hasn't been for a while
00:21:00
but me and will do love each other
00:21:03
unconditionally and we've been together
00:21:06
for a long time so it's like we're
00:21:08
really like it's it's it's an attachment
00:21:11
that's really hard to like break I'm in
00:21:13
a way better mental space
00:21:16
now um way way better like way better so
00:21:22
every day is just
00:21:24
progress and yeah so just stay tuned for
00:21:28
the next video I'm just going to try
00:21:30
things I'm going to stop being
00:21:33
[ __ ] and just take a leap of faith into
00:21:37
doing my own thing so I hope you guys
00:21:41
are supportive I hope you guys kind of
00:21:44
understand where I'm coming from I
00:21:45
didn't really
00:21:47
like I feel like when I explain things I
00:21:49
jump from like here here here here
00:21:55
but as I record more as I make more
00:21:59
videos you know we'll chat more and we
00:22:02
can go more into into certain topics
00:22:05
mental health topics whatever topics
00:22:08
yall want to talk about for everybody
00:22:09
that supports me I really want to say
00:22:12
just thank you I appreciate you even
00:22:14
though you don't know me personally you
00:22:16
just being so kind to me
00:22:19
and and like a friend like a lot of
00:22:22
y'all be in my DM and like y'all talk to
00:22:25
me like friends and I really feel like
00:22:27
yall my friends
00:22:29
so I need to be more of a better friend
00:22:32
to y'all I haven't been a good friend to
00:22:34
y'all I haven't been giving yall the
00:22:36
content I've been very like in the
00:22:38
shadows and I'm done being in the
00:22:41
shadows I'm ready to come to light and
00:22:44
talk to y'all and you know build that
00:22:47
relationship so I will see you guys in
00:22:49
the next one we'll chat more I need to
00:22:51
just stop talking and just start doing
00:22:54
and that's where I'm at just in life so
00:22:57
I love yall
