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I’m a couples therapist
and an absolute romance fiend.
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I'm talking about everything
from "The Notebook" to "Twilight"
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to a show some of you may remember
called "The Flavor of Love."
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(Laughter)
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It's a reality competition show
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where the prize was
the love of Flavor Flav.
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(Laughter)
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I think about relationships a lot,
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and something that comes up
a lot in my work
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is this belief
that relationships are hard.
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And we believe that
due to one primary reason:
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our metric of success is based
on what we've seen everyone else do.
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Imagine how you would honestly feel
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if you heard the following
about another couple.
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OK, I said honestly.
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OK?
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"I heard they don't even sleep
in the same bed anymore."
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"They claim they never want
to get married."
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"I don't think they ever plan
to live together."
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Would you think to yourself "it sounds
like they have some serious issues?"
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If we're honest, a lot of us would.
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And it's not because we're
not open-minded,
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but we've been taught
that these are warning signs
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for a relationship in trouble.
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And while they can be for a lot of people,
that is not always the case.
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Relationship experts have found
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that one of the primary obstacles
that couples face
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are their own expectations.
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When we compare ourselves
to societal norms,
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we can develop a sense of resentment
toward our partner,
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as well as a sense of shame
for how we ourselves are coming up short.
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Now, before we really get into this,
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I have to say that some of us
have to reckon with the fact
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that we may be with the wrong person.
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And that will be clear
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if your deepest desire
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is that your partner change
fundamental aspects of who they are.
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You really want them
to be a different person.
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But if you're confident
that you're with the right person
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and you just still feel frustrated
and dissatisfied,
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we may find that rejecting everything
we've known about good relationships
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is the key to actually having one.
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I work with couples every day,
and I help them through relational crises.
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I remember I was working
with an engaged couple for about a year,
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and when they first came to me,
they said, "We're 95 percent good.
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We just want to address the five percent."
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And I hear something to this effect
often when I first meet a couple.
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It turns out that five percent
was more like 75 percent and increasing.
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They were struggling to make
a blended family work.
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One partner had kids,
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the other one had never
lived with kids before,
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and they moved in together
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after only knowing each other
for three months.
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(Laughter)
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One time I went on vacation,
and by the time I got back,
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they'd called off their wedding.
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But why?
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Their love was, honestly, it was evident,
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and they were not cruel to each other.
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Their issue was figuring out
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how to continue building
their romantic relationship
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while also figuring out how
to raise teenagers,
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who, to be honest,
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already had two very involved parents,
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they weren't really in need of a third.
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After a particularly big blow up
over chores and responsibilities,
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I finally asked a dangerous question.
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I said, "Do you think that living together
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has hurt or helped
your relationship more?"
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We took a few weeks
to explore that question,
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and they decided to test it out.
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They got a short-term lease
on an apartment nearby
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for the partner who didn't have kids.
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And we were really strategic.
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We made a contract.
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Let's talk about dates.
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Let's talk about expectations
while you guys are living separately.
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And by the time they came back to me,
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I'd never seen them communicate so well.
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They said that they were looking forward
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to every weekend
that they got to spend together.
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It felt like a vacation
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because they would spend the entire week
planning their time together
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and savoring every moment
they had together.
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They also found that their
individual relationships with the kids
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drastically improved,
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without the pressure
of trying to transition them
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into an entirely new household dynamic,
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especially when they only had
a couple years left in the house.
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So at this point, some of you
may be asking yourselves,
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"What kind of couples therapist
recommends that couples live apart?"
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(Laughter)
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That's a fair question.
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And to be honest,
for a majority of my clients,
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this solution would not work.
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And that is the point.
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When we're thinking
about our relationships,
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we have to avoid focusing
on what is normal.
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There's no such thing as normal
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when we're talking
about two unique individuals
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with their own backgrounds
and their own values.
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For this particular couple,
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they had to figure out a way
to separate their romantic relationship
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from what really boiled down
to roommate issues.
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And they had a circumstance
that supported the option to live apart.
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One conflict that comes up
a lot in my work
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is the difference in values
between arriving on time
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and arriving looking
and feeling your best.
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Neither one is wrong.
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But I had a great model
for this with my parents.
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When I was growing up,
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we drove absolutely everywhere separately.
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Everywhere.
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You know, if you're going
to be a little bit late,
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you would ride with my mom
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and if you’re arriving on time,
you’d go with my dad.
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They had two minivans for only two kids.
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OK.
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We didn't go anywhere together.
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And one time when I was
about 12 years old,
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one of my closest friends finally
worked up the courage to ask me about it.
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And I could tell she was so nervous.
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Like I was about to reveal to her
that my parents were secretly separated,
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and she just figured it out.
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You know, now that I think about it,
I bet her mom put her up to this.
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(Laughter)
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What's interesting is that her parents
did go on to get divorced,
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and my parents stayed together
for 23 years before my mom passed away.
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Now do I think that’s due
to them commuting separately?
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Of course not.
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But I think it shows us two things.
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First, it shows us
that any deviation from the norm
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can be met with curiosity
and even judgment.
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It also shows us that sometimes,
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when we decide to do things
a little differently,
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we can avoid the difference
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between having a really
challenging day as a couple
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or a smooth day, by simply accepting
our differences not as a couple,
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but as individuals.
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Instead of trying to change our partners,
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what if we instead embraced
their differences,
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our difference in values,
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and release the pressure of doing
what everyone else is doing?
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It's OK to be a stay-at-home dad.
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It's OK if you prefer to travel
without each other.
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It's OK if you need
to have your own bedrooms
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so you can maintain personal space
and be sane for each other.
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It's OK if you want to break tradition
and create a new last name.
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It's OK if you want to share
your love on social media,
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but it's also OK if you want
to protect it from public opinion.
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It's OK if you're in a season of life
where you both just cannot prioritize sex.
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It's OK if people are confused
about your relationship.
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It was never theirs to understand
in the first place.
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(Applause)
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If we continue to accept the narrative
that relationships are hard,
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then we'll continue
to do nothing about it.
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If our relationships feel hard,
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I encourage us to reflect
on what is hard about it.
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Is it really the relationship
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or is it external factors
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like our own personal trauma histories
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or work stress?
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If it really is your relationship,
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let's really think about what you
and your partner
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are willing to do differently
to enjoy it again.
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I want us to reject everything
we've ever known about relationships,
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and challenge ourselves
to create a relationship
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that not only defies expectations
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but honors the peculiarities
that make us, us.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
