Harvard Professor: The Real Reason Marriages Fall Apart (with Dr. Arthur Brooks)

01:16:50
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHAKqYwN9cQ

Summary

TLDRIn this insightful episode of The Dr. John Deloney Show, Dr. John Deloney is joined by Dr. Arthur Brooks, a scholar and expert on happiness and love based at the Kennedy School of Business at Harvard. The discussion explores the evolution of romantic relationships, emphasizing the shift from passionate to companionate love. Dr. Brooks delves into the brain chemistry involved in falling in love and how understanding it can empower individuals to manage their emotions more effectively. The concept of companionate love, rooted in deep friendship, is presented as essential for lasting relationships. Amidst the conversation, the episode stresses the importance of emotional management and personal agency, challenging the cultural tendency to chase feelings at the expense of commitment. Dr. Brooks discusses how understanding and managing the neurochemical processes can help individuals navigate the complexities of love and happiness, including dealing with feelings of contempt and avoiding relationships driven by mere attraction. Furthermore, the episode explores how faith and a focus on building supportive communities can enhance personal happiness. With practical advice on maintaining love, building meaningful relationships, and optimizing personal well-being, this episode provides listeners with tools to lead more fulfilled lives.

Takeaways

  • ❤️ Companionate love is essential for lasting relationships, emphasizing deep friendship.
  • 🧠 Understanding brain chemistry can help manage emotions in love.
  • 📖 Knowledge of emotional processes enhances relationship management.
  • 🌟 Personal agency and choice are central to happiness.
  • 🙏 Faith provides resilience and purpose in relationships.
  • 🚫 Avoid chasing fleeting feelings; focus on commitment.
  • 🌱 Building supportive communities enhances personal well-being.
  • 💪 Emotional self-management is crucial for healthy relationships.
  • 🔑 Prefrontal cortex plays a key role in processing emotions.
  • 🎯 Focus on love's purpose, not just the feelings.

Timeline

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The video opens with a discussion on the evolution of love, particularly the shift from passionate to companionate love over time, emphasizing that lasting relationships rely on deep friendship rather than fleeting emotions.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    The host, John, introduces Dr. Arthur Brooks, highlighting the transformative impact of their discussion on relationships, happiness, and purposeful living. Brooks, a Harvard professor, elaborates on brain chemistry and social science aspects of love and happiness.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    Brooks explains the different ways romantic relationships start, noting that workplace interactions are still significant despite the rise of online dating. He talks about the hormonal and neuromodulator stages of love, which involve testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    The conversation details the progression of love, emphasizing how initial attraction and euphoria lead to serotonin drop, causing obsessive thoughts about the partner. Brooks highlights the importance of progressing to a deeper bond involving oxytocin, which indicates long-term partnership.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:25:00

    The dynamics of falling in love at different paces between partners is explored. Brooks warns against mismanaged infatuation and the potential for harmful relationships when one falls faster than the other, advocating for understanding personal psychological tendencies to foster healthier relationships.

  • 00:25:00 - 00:30:00

    The discussion critiques the cultural emphasis on feelings over emotional management. Brooks highlights the pitfalls of pursuing feelings without understanding biological aspects, advocating emotional self-management for successful relationships and personal fulfillment.

  • 00:30:00 - 00:35:00

    Brooks addresses how societal and technological shifts push individuals towards left-brain analytical thinking, overshadowing the meaningful aspects processed by the right brain, which is crucial for finding life's meaning and sustaining relationships.

  • 00:35:00 - 00:40:00

    The focus on meaningful personal goals rather than mere emotional satisfaction is emphasized, suggesting that lasting relationships should be based on sound, visionary purposes. This approach aligns more with right-brain thinking, stressing the need for conscious choices in love.

  • 00:40:00 - 00:45:00

    A detailed analysis of the role of contempt and disgust in relationships and society is provided. Brooks explains how they contribute to societal division and relationship breakdowns, advocating for intentional warmth and empathy to counteract these divisive emotions.

  • 00:45:00 - 00:50:00

    Brooks emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and managing one's happiness, arguing that personal well-being is critical for effective leadership in both families and work. He critiques the idea of living according to feelings without considering their biological roots.

  • 00:50:00 - 00:55:00

    Brooks discusses the concept of 'victim industrial complex' and how it undermines personal agency by fostering dependency on external saviors. He argues for recognizing personal power to drive happiness, irrespective of external circumstances or systemic injustices.

  • 00:55:00 - 01:00:00

    The critical role of agency in personal happiness and its erosion by external influences is examined. Brooks advocates for individuals to reclaim their power of choice, essential for mental well-being and building resilient personal and professional lives.

  • 01:00:00 - 01:05:00

    Brooks illustrates the transformative potential of choosing to change one's life circumstances through the story of his mother-in-law, underscoring the power of agency and individual choice in rebuilding happiness amidst adversity.

  • 01:05:00 - 01:10:00

    The conversation returns to personal choice in relationships, illustrated by the host's anecdote about choosing to stay in a difficult marriage and actively working to improve it, showcasing how intentional choice affects happiness.

  • 01:10:00 - 01:16:50

    The video concludes with a call to action for viewers to apply the insights from the discussion to their lives, emphasizing belief in personal capability to forge happier, more meaningful lives.

Show more

Mind Map

Video Q&A

  • Who is Dr. Arthur Brooks?

    Dr. Arthur Brooks is a professor at the Kennedy School of Business at Harvard University, an author, and a speaker on happiness and love.

  • What is the difference between passionate and companionate love?

    Passionate love involves intense emotions and physical attraction, while companionate love is characterized by deep friendship and commitment.

  • Why is friendship important in long-term relationships?

    Friendship provides a stable foundation for love, ensuring enduring relationships beyond initial physical attraction.

  • What role do hormones play in the chemistry of love?

    Hormones like testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, and oxytocin influence attraction, euphoria, bonding, and attachment in relationships.

  • How can you manage feelings of contempt in relationships?

    Managing contempt involves practicing intentional warmth and empathy, and avoiding behaviors like sarcasm and eye-rolling.

  • How can young people navigate dating effectively?

    By focusing on emotional connection and compatibility, rather than relying solely on technology and dating apps.

  • What is emotional self-management in relationships?

    It involves understanding and managing one's emotions and reactions to maintain a balanced and healthy relationship.

  • What is the significance of choice in personal happiness?

    Happiness is largely influenced by personal choices and the way individuals manage their emotions and reactions to life's challenges.

  • How does faith contribute to happiness and love?

    Faith can provide a sense of purpose and a foundation that promotes resilience and deeper connections in relationships.

  • What is the role of the prefrontal cortex in emotions?

    The prefrontal cortex processes and manages emotions, allowing for thoughtful responses rather than impulsive reactions.

View more video summaries

Get instant access to free YouTube video summaries powered by AI!
Subtitles
en
Auto Scroll:
  • 00:00:00
    [Music]
  • 00:00:05
    you establish a relationship what do you
  • 00:00:07
    want it to be what's the goal and the
  • 00:00:08
    answer is generally between 2 and 5
  • 00:00:11
    years after the initiation of the
  • 00:00:12
    relationship you don't want passionate
  • 00:00:14
    love you want companionate love marriage
  • 00:00:17
    cannot be organized over the long term
  • 00:00:19
    around something that's not deep
  • 00:00:20
    friendship that's not happily ever after
  • 00:00:22
    in the
  • 00:00:24
    [Music]
  • 00:00:28
    movies what's going on what's going on
  • 00:00:30
    what's going on this is John with the Dr
  • 00:00:32
    John delone show I'm so so grateful that
  • 00:00:35
    you are
  • 00:00:37
    here in my opinion this is one of the
  • 00:00:40
    most important episodes I've ever been a
  • 00:00:42
    part of this is one of those episodes
  • 00:00:44
    that as soon as it was over I made some
  • 00:00:46
    changes in my life and my life and my
  • 00:00:49
    marriage and my relationship with my
  • 00:00:51
    kids is
  • 00:00:53
    different because of the experience I
  • 00:00:55
    had recording this
  • 00:00:56
    episode all the way from Boston
  • 00:00:59
    Massachusetts the great Dr Arthur Brooks
  • 00:01:03
    he um joined me and he is somebody who
  • 00:01:05
    has long been a lighthouse for me
  • 00:01:08
    thinking about how to talk about
  • 00:01:12
    happiness and love and faith and living
  • 00:01:16
    and building better lives and he is a
  • 00:01:20
    professor in the Kennedy School of
  • 00:01:22
    Business at Harvard University where he
  • 00:01:24
    teaches courses on happiness the science
  • 00:01:27
    of Happiness the science of love and how
  • 00:01:30
    this stuff all works in this mad house
  • 00:01:32
    World we've created for ourselves so
  • 00:01:35
    here's the deal we cover love the brain
  • 00:01:38
    chemistry of love Faith in science how
  • 00:01:41
    to find love and how to reignite love
  • 00:01:45
    how to find and create happiness almost
  • 00:01:48
    regardless of your situation we talk
  • 00:01:50
    about agency and choice we talk about so
  • 00:01:53
    so much and again I left this
  • 00:01:56
    conversation and by the way it's a
  • 00:01:58
    longer conversation we just dug into it
  • 00:02:00
    and kept going and going and going um
  • 00:02:02
    we're going to link to all of his books
  • 00:02:04
    in the show notes link to a number of
  • 00:02:06
    his articles he he writes for the
  • 00:02:08
    Atlantic every week he's just a
  • 00:02:10
    brilliant brilliant man but more than
  • 00:02:11
    that he's able to explain things in a
  • 00:02:13
    way that a knucklehead like me can
  • 00:02:15
    understand and he gives me action items
  • 00:02:18
    to go enact these things into my life
  • 00:02:21
    and I'm telling you right now I've
  • 00:02:22
    already seen pretty radical
  • 00:02:24
    transformations in my home and they
  • 00:02:27
    already thought I was optimized for love
  • 00:02:29
    and happiness I'm telling you this
  • 00:02:31
    episode can change your life
  • 00:02:34
    so buckle up put on your headphones and
  • 00:02:37
    by the way it's to say for the whole
  • 00:02:38
    family I Rec I recommend everyone in
  • 00:02:39
    your household listen to this episode
  • 00:02:42
    check out my conversation with the great
  • 00:02:44
    and wonderful doctor Arthur
  • 00:02:48
    Brooks you teach love to grents at
  • 00:02:51
    Harvard and they love it well I teach
  • 00:02:53
    happiness I teach the science of
  • 00:02:54
    happiness and and the the most popular
  • 00:02:56
    module in the class that I teach at the
  • 00:02:57
    Harvard Business School the MBA
  • 00:02:59
    curriculum the most popular module of
  • 00:03:01
    that class which is very popular
  • 00:03:02
    elective I got 180 in the seats and 400
  • 00:03:04
    on the waiting list right is how to fall
  • 00:03:06
    in love and stay in love here's the the
  • 00:03:10
    path and this is my unsophisticated take
  • 00:03:13
    and I want you to walk us through what's
  • 00:03:14
    actually happening here my grandparents
  • 00:03:17
    were married 73 years right and when my
  • 00:03:20
    granddad died my grandmother was so
  • 00:03:21
    pissed that he couldn't he couldn't wait
  • 00:03:24
    two more years cuz she get that 75
  • 00:03:26
    number right she they were hilarious and
  • 00:03:28
    amazing he's a War II vet she was raised
  • 00:03:31
    four great wonderful
  • 00:03:33
    kids but when he died it was just a the
  • 00:03:38
    decline was quick uhhuh and the way she
  • 00:03:42
    would talk about
  • 00:03:43
    him and I remember thinking or seeing in
  • 00:03:47
    real
  • 00:03:48
    time oh she lost a like a leg and a lung
  • 00:03:52
    when he left she lost a couple of
  • 00:03:53
    chambers of her heart when he
  • 00:03:55
    laughed that's a
  • 00:03:58
    soulmate and a deeply biblical
  • 00:04:01
    understanding of marriage by the way one
  • 00:04:03
    one flesh that's it it's one yeah and I
  • 00:04:05
    was in grad school at the time and I
  • 00:04:07
    remember thinking oh no no no no no no
  • 00:04:10
    no they did 72 years of loss of going to
  • 00:04:15
    war of economic hard times of like all
  • 00:04:18
    the
  • 00:04:19
    stuff we're trying to reverse engineer
  • 00:04:22
    that and say at 28 or 25 find your
  • 00:04:26
    soulmate and then go that way and it it
  • 00:04:29
    hit me oh it doesn't work like that
  • 00:04:31
    right it doesn't work like that you have
  • 00:04:33
    to go the other way and our entire
  • 00:04:36
    culture says that's wrong if it doesn't
  • 00:04:38
    feel right so walk us through you meet
  • 00:04:41
    somebody and you're taken by them and
  • 00:04:43
    they're clearly taken by you yeah walk
  • 00:04:45
    us through the brain chemistry from
  • 00:04:47
    there to oh no yeah yeah so typically
  • 00:04:51
    you know that 59% of these relationships
  • 00:04:54
    are starting online now 59% it's eaten
  • 00:04:57
    the world so that's how it's happening
  • 00:04:58
    but still between 15 and 20% of
  • 00:05:01
    relationships that end in marriage start
  • 00:05:02
    at work so these are kind of in person
  • 00:05:05
    you know these are not mediate probably
  • 00:05:06
    you're not falling in love with somebody
  • 00:05:07
    on the zoom screen and still when you're
  • 00:05:09
    going to a place and you meet somebody
  • 00:05:10
    and you're both available or ideally
  • 00:05:12
    you're both available because most
  • 00:05:14
    Affairs actually start work to we can
  • 00:05:16
    actually talk about why that happens
  • 00:05:17
    neurochemically so okay so the way that
  • 00:05:19
    it starts is the ignition of
  • 00:05:21
    relationships of romantic relationships
  • 00:05:23
    is it has to do it's hormonal and so
  • 00:05:25
    it's testosterone and estrogen and you
  • 00:05:28
    know the sex hormones are the of
  • 00:05:30
    Attraction basic attraction and so we're
  • 00:05:32
    uncomfortable with that um because that
  • 00:05:35
    that you know what does that mean that
  • 00:05:37
    that seems sort of unseemly no that's
  • 00:05:38
    that's natural that's biology I'm
  • 00:05:41
    attracted to you yeah you're attracted
  • 00:05:42
    to another person right now if that's
  • 00:05:44
    all it is then you're going to end up in
  • 00:05:46
    relationships that people regret that
  • 00:05:47
    are not that are not healthy etc etc
  • 00:05:50
    generally speaking when you're attracted
  • 00:05:52
    to each other and get to know each other
  • 00:05:53
    a little bit then the second stage
  • 00:05:55
    happens really really quickly just
  • 00:05:56
    within days ordinarily that involves two
  • 00:05:59
    different neuromodulators which is
  • 00:06:01
    dopamine and neurop nephrine okay those
  • 00:06:03
    are two neuromodulators that govern uh
  • 00:06:06
    Euphoria when you see somebody and
  • 00:06:08
    anticipation anticipation reoria
  • 00:06:11
    everybody who's listening to us watching
  • 00:06:13
    us right now has fallen in love almost
  • 00:06:14
    everybody and it's like can't wait can't
  • 00:06:17
    wait can't wait it's like I just got the
  • 00:06:18
    text just came in you know I think
  • 00:06:20
    that's that person I'm I you see the
  • 00:06:22
    person from afar you have that weird
  • 00:06:23
    feeling of euphoria and anticipation
  • 00:06:25
    that's I didn't know I didn't know
  • 00:06:26
    adrenaline is in on this yeah yeah
  • 00:06:27
    norepinephrine not not epinephrine nor
  • 00:06:29
    which is you know related of course it's
  • 00:06:31
    all from the adrenal glands you know
  • 00:06:32
    it's highly related I didn't know that
  • 00:06:34
    was I was part of the game oh yeah oh
  • 00:06:36
    yeah you got get that's gas yeah that's
  • 00:06:38
    gas and what what that's doing is it's
  • 00:06:40
    taking you then to step three which
  • 00:06:41
    ordinarily will start happening a couple
  • 00:06:43
    of weeks in once you're dating and know
  • 00:06:45
    each other okay then what happens is
  • 00:06:47
    this crazy thing where there's another
  • 00:06:50
    you you implicate another uh
  • 00:06:53
    neuromodulator but it doesn't increase
  • 00:06:55
    it plummets falls off the map yeah
  • 00:06:57
    that's serotonin so no every body knows
  • 00:06:59
    at this point they think they know that
  • 00:07:01
    clinical depression implicates serotonin
  • 00:07:04
    so serotonin levels are too low in the
  • 00:07:05
    synapse of the brain and for you know
  • 00:07:07
    blah blah blah Goble G what that's going
  • 00:07:09
    on is when people take antidepressant
  • 00:07:11
    drugs like Prozac that's supposed to
  • 00:07:13
    increase the amount of serotonin in the
  • 00:07:15
    bloodstream that's in the synapse right
  • 00:07:17
    and so what and why because there's all
  • 00:07:19
    this evidence that when when serotonin
  • 00:07:21
    levels are low you're going to feel
  • 00:07:23
    sadness you're going to feel rumination
  • 00:07:27
    ruminative sadness now that the part of
  • 00:07:29
    the the brain that that's that's that's
  • 00:07:31
    implicating is a thing called a
  • 00:07:32
    ventrolateral prefrontal cortex that's
  • 00:07:33
    literally a structure in your brain
  • 00:07:34
    dedicated to
  • 00:07:36
    rumination I'm so stupid I can't believe
  • 00:07:39
    I did that my life has been a mistake
  • 00:07:41
    Etc what's the what's the the for lack
  • 00:07:44
    of better terms what's evolutionarily
  • 00:07:47
    that would preserve us that would keep
  • 00:07:49
    us in the tribe yeah well what it will
  • 00:07:51
    not necessarily what it does is it makes
  • 00:07:53
    you learn from your mistakes okay when
  • 00:07:55
    you ruminate on something that happened
  • 00:07:57
    in the past you learn from something
  • 00:07:59
    that didn't go right so you don't do it
  • 00:08:00
    again in the future and yeah but it has
  • 00:08:02
    other functions as well that
  • 00:08:04
    ventrolateral prefer cortex that's it's
  • 00:08:05
    ignited when serotonin levels fall okay
  • 00:08:08
    another thing that it does is it it it
  • 00:08:10
    it involves
  • 00:08:11
    creativity creativity is rumination so
  • 00:08:14
    you're thinking about a business plan
  • 00:08:16
    you're thinking about writing a poem a
  • 00:08:17
    symphony
  • 00:08:19
    right it's the same structure in the
  • 00:08:21
    brain rumination so she broke my heart
  • 00:08:25
    or it's just like I can't stop thinking
  • 00:08:26
    about it I can't stop thinking about it
  • 00:08:28
    and when you're falling in love
  • 00:08:30
    this is step three so serotonin level
  • 00:08:32
    Falls the ventrolateral prefrontal
  • 00:08:33
    cortex lights up like a Christmas tree
  • 00:08:36
    and you ruminate on the other person
  • 00:08:38
    because you're bonding on the other
  • 00:08:39
    person you're bonding to the other
  • 00:08:41
    person now it makes you do the insane
  • 00:08:44
    things like I just sent a 100 text
  • 00:08:46
    messages to that person and I humiliated
  • 00:08:48
    myself in the last hour because I was so
  • 00:08:50
    freaked out about the fact that she
  • 00:08:52
    didn't answer me that that he didn't say
  • 00:08:55
    anything to me or that he he he didn't
  • 00:08:57
    sound right in that last call he didn't
  • 00:08:59
    sound right in now last call nowadays
  • 00:09:01
    the text message didn't look right it
  • 00:09:02
    didn't look right whatever it is because
  • 00:09:04
    we have a million ways what's going on
  • 00:09:07
    and what the reason that ordinarily
  • 00:09:09
    you'd be like I don't know whatever I'll
  • 00:09:10
    figured out which you would in ordinary
  • 00:09:12
    life you can't do that because you're
  • 00:09:13
    ruminating so much because you're
  • 00:09:14
    ventrolateral pre the cortex is turned
  • 00:09:16
    on so high because your serotonin levels
  • 00:09:19
    have fallen because you're bonding to
  • 00:09:20
    the you're imprinting on the other
  • 00:09:22
    person that's what's going on you're
  • 00:09:24
    writing a symphony in your brain about
  • 00:09:25
    the other person right and your brain
  • 00:09:27
    looks like your Clin clear depressed in
  • 00:09:30
    step three right that's the reason that
  • 00:09:33
    people are like it's so wonderful it's
  • 00:09:34
    so terrible that's why it hurts it's
  • 00:09:37
    misery and if you stayed there for the
  • 00:09:39
    rest of your life you'd want to die you
  • 00:09:41
    would literally want to die what you're
  • 00:09:43
    trying to get to is the step four where
  • 00:09:46
    you have other hormones in neuropeptides
  • 00:09:48
    for example oxytocin which is a bonding
  • 00:09:51
    hormone that says this is a member of My
  • 00:09:53
    Tribe this is my kin so that's when
  • 00:09:56
    you're low it's it's met yeah well
  • 00:09:59
    that's when what what will happen is you
  • 00:10:01
    you start to recognize somebody as your
  • 00:10:04
    partner um after a while you have to go
  • 00:10:06
    through these steps but step four is the
  • 00:10:08
    bonding that actually is involved in in
  • 00:10:11
    the the the the production of oxytocin
  • 00:10:14
    so that's what you're trying to get to
  • 00:10:16
    that's what you want to get to one two 3
  • 00:10:18
    4 it's wonderful it's terrible it's
  • 00:10:20
    frightening it's exciting that's the
  • 00:10:22
    whole thing but but again remember we
  • 00:10:23
    stable you and I know because this is
  • 00:10:25
    our world psychology is biology it just
  • 00:10:28
    is and you're doing all this stuff
  • 00:10:30
    you're not an idiot you know you're
  • 00:10:32
    falling in love is the way that this
  • 00:10:33
    works if you understand this you can
  • 00:10:35
    manage it better do you want to though
  • 00:10:38
    CU I I feel like I feel that's what
  • 00:10:40
    eHarmony does yeah well eHarmony doesn't
  • 00:10:42
    do this necessarily because it doesn't
  • 00:10:44
    actually take us through the steps right
  • 00:10:46
    it drops you off it drops you off but I
  • 00:10:50
    remember I skipped a final to go get
  • 00:10:52
    coffee with my wife and I literally
  • 00:10:54
    ration like I'll talk to Professor we'll
  • 00:10:56
    figure this out and it makes if my son
  • 00:11:00
    was like Dad I I met this girl I'm going
  • 00:11:02
    to go get coffee I would say please
  • 00:11:04
    please go your your final but right but
  • 00:11:07
    also I threw away a full a full 100%
  • 00:11:10
    track scholarship to university cuz I
  • 00:11:12
    met a girl at a summer cam yeah and you
  • 00:11:15
    know what I mean you're romantic BR I'm
  • 00:11:18
    so bad I'm so bad I threw it all away
  • 00:11:21
    yeah and I quit a job and moved to Spain
  • 00:11:24
    it made perfect sense and I have my life
  • 00:11:27
    because of it and it's completely ER
  • 00:11:30
    yeah yeah I get it no no and and for
  • 00:11:33
    sure I mean you can manage it to a
  • 00:11:34
    certain extent the real problem by the
  • 00:11:36
    way is when two people are falling in
  • 00:11:38
    love but they're at different speeds
  • 00:11:40
    going through the neurochemical Cascade
  • 00:11:41
    that was my DEA student job like hey
  • 00:11:43
    this guy keeps texting me and I don't
  • 00:11:44
    want what's happening there's a there's
  • 00:11:47
    a whole there's a syndrome actually
  • 00:11:48
    that's identifiable in the literature
  • 00:11:50
    called hemophilia not hemophilia it's
  • 00:11:52
    not a blood disorder no it's it's filia
  • 00:11:55
    emo what yeah exactly what it means is
  • 00:11:58
    that that that you fall in love too
  • 00:11:59
    quickly and there's a non-trivial number
  • 00:12:01
    of women who suffer from this and they
  • 00:12:03
    just go 1 2 3 4 off the and the guy's
  • 00:12:06
    like we just met okay and so the result
  • 00:12:09
    is they get into relationships with what
  • 00:12:11
    we call dark Triad personalities they're
  • 00:12:13
    men who have high levels of narcissism
  • 00:12:15
    melanism and psychopathy the red pill
  • 00:12:17
    boys they have Psychopathic traits and
  • 00:12:20
    they feed on this that for women who go
  • 00:12:23
    right through the scale and so a lot of
  • 00:12:25
    what I'm doing is I'm saying if you've
  • 00:12:26
    got this thing you need to manage
  • 00:12:27
    yourself because you need to understand
  • 00:12:29
    yourself got and you need to understand
  • 00:12:31
    the people who are going to pray on you
  • 00:12:33
    cuz they will you'll be a magnet for
  • 00:12:36
    dark Triads and it'll be like every
  • 00:12:38
    boyfriend I have is a psychopath but
  • 00:12:40
    it's literally true yeah not because you
  • 00:12:43
    have bad luck but because you're
  • 00:12:45
    blinking light that says Psychopaths
  • 00:12:49
    welcome and here's here's
  • 00:12:53
    the I feel like 95% of this show has
  • 00:12:56
    become un hollywoodized everything yeah
  • 00:12:59
    it is not sexy every morning like I I
  • 00:13:03
    would eat my body weight and gummy candy
  • 00:13:05
    every day it's it's a problem love it me
  • 00:13:08
    too and I have to decide am I going to
  • 00:13:11
    do that or not right there is no
  • 00:13:14
    Hollywood movie that I know of that's
  • 00:13:16
    worth watching that somebody says hey I
  • 00:13:19
    need to consciously and intentionally
  • 00:13:21
    limit myself to three text messages a
  • 00:13:23
    day to this person that just doesn't
  • 00:13:25
    exist uhuh it's the question is always
  • 00:13:27
    how do you feel how do you feel how do
  • 00:13:28
    you feel and I feel like in our culture
  • 00:13:30
    we Chase feeling off a cliff cuz that
  • 00:13:33
    same feeling shows up this way but that
  • 00:13:34
    same feeling showed up for me 10 years
  • 00:13:36
    in when I didn't feel it anymore right
  • 00:13:39
    and then the your colleagues are like
  • 00:13:41
    well then I guess it's not a soulmate or
  • 00:13:43
    they say the what I think is the most
  • 00:13:44
    insane statement these days is that
  • 00:13:46
    relationship just ran its course like
  • 00:13:47
    they they they don't just stop right
  • 00:13:49
    people quit right and that's fine if you
  • 00:13:51
    want quit but this idea that there's
  • 00:13:53
    just a natural lifespan to some of this
  • 00:13:55
    circle it circles back to you have to
  • 00:13:59
    know what you're talking about to then
  • 00:14:01
    say okay oh gosh that's me yeah and I'm
  • 00:14:04
    not insane or broken or crazy but I have
  • 00:14:06
    to I have to be intentional about this
  • 00:14:08
    for sure you I mean that's why self
  • 00:14:09
    emotional self-management is so
  • 00:14:10
    critically important that starts with
  • 00:14:11
    knowledge that's why you know I do the
  • 00:14:13
    science I don't do the science because
  • 00:14:14
    it's you know whizbang super cool it is
  • 00:14:17
    yeah I do it because it's in the public
  • 00:14:18
    interest and our we get a better world
  • 00:14:21
    when people fall in love and stay in
  • 00:14:22
    love that's it but we have to call it
  • 00:14:25
    that we have a body's built for scarcity
  • 00:14:27
    when it comes to food yeah that's our
  • 00:14:29
    environment anymore right we have bodies
  • 00:14:31
    designed for there's two suitable mates
  • 00:14:33
    in this tribe and dad and his dad's
  • 00:14:35
    going to pick them right and that's not
  • 00:14:37
    our world anymore so we have to build
  • 00:14:39
    structures that's right the thing that
  • 00:14:41
    you're talking about that's really
  • 00:14:42
    important that I talk about with a lot
  • 00:14:44
    of my students a lot of people you know
  • 00:14:45
    because I'm on the road all the time
  • 00:14:47
    talking about these things with young
  • 00:14:48
    people and and not so young people
  • 00:14:50
    because everybody wants love you know
  • 00:14:52
    people my age can fall in love just like
  • 00:14:54
    a kid you know cuz the brain's the brain
  • 00:14:56
    so the the thing that I talk about is
  • 00:14:59
    what's the realist realistic expectation
  • 00:15:02
    as you've gone through this
  • 00:15:03
    neurochemical Cascade and you want a
  • 00:15:05
    relationship to endure as opposed to
  • 00:15:07
    simply be established you establish a
  • 00:15:09
    relationship what do you want it to be
  • 00:15:10
    what's the goal and the answer is
  • 00:15:12
    generally between two and 5 years after
  • 00:15:14
    the initiation of the relationship you
  • 00:15:16
    don't want passionate love you want
  • 00:15:18
    companionate love which sounds my kids
  • 00:15:21
    have heard me say this they're like Dad
  • 00:15:22
    that's not hot W exactly right yeah
  • 00:15:25
    companion love has tons of passion in it
  • 00:15:28
    but companionate love is based on best
  • 00:15:30
    friendship that's what it's based on the
  • 00:15:33
    foundation is friendship the foundation
  • 00:15:35
    of enduring love enduring romantic love
  • 00:15:37
    is friendship here's the reason that
  • 00:15:39
    people will fall in love and then will
  • 00:15:41
    break up and realize they hate each
  • 00:15:42
    other they don't just like whatever they
  • 00:15:44
    hate each other the reason is because
  • 00:15:46
    they're disappointed about the fact that
  • 00:15:48
    they actually were incompatible as
  • 00:15:50
    friends and they've slept together right
  • 00:15:54
    you know they've traveled together
  • 00:15:55
    they've done all this stuff they told
  • 00:15:56
    each other they're secrets and they're
  • 00:15:58
    not even don't even like each other yeah
  • 00:16:00
    and the other side is I talk to couples
  • 00:16:04
    and like youall sleep together how many
  • 00:16:08
    like three times a year and they're like
  • 00:16:10
    dude this is my best friend my best
  • 00:16:12
    friend right and like we figured out
  • 00:16:14
    what works for us yeah they and and you
  • 00:16:15
    know and that sounds awful yeah yeah you
  • 00:16:18
    know what's more awful is not being able
  • 00:16:20
    to stay in love not being able to
  • 00:16:22
    actually have a best friend not having
  • 00:16:23
    the person who truly understands you at
  • 00:16:25
    a deep level now it's better I mean
  • 00:16:28
    marriage tend to be happier when they're
  • 00:16:30
    based on best friendship and where
  • 00:16:32
    they're they're still sleeping together
  • 00:16:33
    of course of course of course but but
  • 00:16:35
    the truth of the matter is that that you
  • 00:16:36
    can't make the enemy the per the the
  • 00:16:38
    perfect enemy the good that's right
  • 00:16:40
    right and when when we're talking about
  • 00:16:41
    these things so there's all sorts of
  • 00:16:42
    ways to organize your life but a
  • 00:16:44
    marriage cannot be organized over the
  • 00:16:46
    long term around something that's not
  • 00:16:48
    deep friendship that's a constant that
  • 00:16:50
    is so countercultural totally totally
  • 00:16:53
    totally I mean it's like that's Madness
  • 00:16:56
    that's not Disney that's not Disney it's
  • 00:16:58
    my best friend friend I mean that's not
  • 00:16:59
    the end of the film it's my best friend
  • 00:17:01
    it's like dude I don't know that's not
  • 00:17:04
    happily ever after in the movies but
  • 00:17:06
    that is happily ever after in real life
  • 00:17:08
    I've got a few best friends we've been
  • 00:17:10
    friends for 30 years right we still get
  • 00:17:12
    together a couple times a year and we
  • 00:17:13
    live all over the country we've all done
  • 00:17:15
    stupid stuff to each other said stupid
  • 00:17:17
    things that's not funny man but like but
  • 00:17:20
    we have a couple of non-negotiables that
  • 00:17:23
    have emerged that
  • 00:17:26
    like you can raise kids you can bury
  • 00:17:29
    parents you can go through cancer
  • 00:17:31
    together but if this singular thing
  • 00:17:33
    happens I guess none of it right it
  • 00:17:36
    Everything feels so
  • 00:17:37
    disposable but I keep looping back to as
  • 00:17:39
    you're talking he just keeps looping
  • 00:17:41
    back to how does this feel and where's
  • 00:17:43
    the passion where's the passion instead
  • 00:17:45
    of where's the foundation and we're
  • 00:17:47
    going to figure this out right we're
  • 00:17:49
    we're going to work through it and maybe
  • 00:17:50
    what we had is over we're going to build
  • 00:17:51
    something else of course cuz we said we
  • 00:17:54
    would right and that does not seem to be
  • 00:17:57
    having lived that
  • 00:17:59
    yeah I get it it's one of the hardest
  • 00:18:03
    things for me to try to distill down and
  • 00:18:04
    explain in a simple way yeah it is and
  • 00:18:07
    this is one of the reasons that uh
  • 00:18:09
    couples that are formed in religious
  • 00:18:11
    communities they tend to do quite well
  • 00:18:13
    right because they have this
  • 00:18:14
    Supernatural basis for the relationship
  • 00:18:16
    as opposed to the feelings basis for the
  • 00:18:18
    relationship if your assumption is that
  • 00:18:20
    my emotions are everything wo be unto
  • 00:18:22
    you yeah because that depends on what
  • 00:18:24
    you're digesting a life of hell it's
  • 00:18:26
    terrible it's terrible by the way this
  • 00:18:28
    is not just about Mar this is not just
  • 00:18:29
    about relationship everything everything
  • 00:18:32
    everything look emotions are produced by
  • 00:18:34
    the lyic system of the brain a structure
  • 00:18:36
    of tissue evolved between 2 and 40
  • 00:18:39
    million years ago it's designed to take
  • 00:18:41
    signals that come from the outside below
  • 00:18:43
    your level of Consciousness and
  • 00:18:44
    translate them into a language that says
  • 00:18:46
    either you should approach or avoid a
  • 00:18:48
    thing right don't die that's what
  • 00:18:50
    emotions are for emotions are for two
  • 00:18:52
    things to keep you alive and get your
  • 00:18:54
    calories and find mates so that you can
  • 00:18:56
    survive and pass on your genes that's
  • 00:18:58
    what OT are for biologically that's what
  • 00:19:01
    emotions are for but we've we've built
  • 00:19:03
    them up into this like Cosmic thing no
  • 00:19:05
    no no man their job's not to tell you
  • 00:19:06
    the truth well the job is all it is is
  • 00:19:09
    to keep you not dead you know and and so
  • 00:19:11
    the whole point is you have a prefrontal
  • 00:19:13
    cortex in your brain with the tissue
  • 00:19:14
    right behind the bumper right be of
  • 00:19:16
    brain 30% of your brain by weight that's
  • 00:19:18
    what makes you human is the prefrontal
  • 00:19:20
    cortex as opposed to being a squirrel or
  • 00:19:22
    something right behind your forehead you
  • 00:19:24
    want the emotional information to get to
  • 00:19:26
    your prefrontal cortex so you can decide
  • 00:19:28
    what are these emotions mean where do
  • 00:19:30
    they come from what am I going to do and
  • 00:19:33
    should I disregard them right but if
  • 00:19:35
    you're living according to your emotions
  • 00:19:36
    you're man you're the squirrel right you
  • 00:19:39
    know it's like got to get in sleep with
  • 00:19:40
    them sleep with them sleep with them
  • 00:19:41
    sleep no we just met right yeah yeah and
  • 00:19:44
    it's like I'm not feeling it today
  • 00:19:46
    that's okay that's okay go work out okay
  • 00:19:47
    go work it out or you know what do I
  • 00:19:49
    want to be tomorrow I don't feel like it
  • 00:19:50
    today put your phone down and and look
  • 00:19:53
    at your kids in the eye yeah and one of
  • 00:19:55
    the things that your prefrontal cortex
  • 00:19:56
    can do that your liic system can't is
  • 00:19:59
    when you have and by the way this is one
  • 00:20:00
    of the great secrets of the most the the
  • 00:20:02
    marriages with the greatest longevity
  • 00:20:04
    right when you feel
  • 00:20:07
    avoidance you practice approach that's
  • 00:20:10
    what great marriages have in common and
  • 00:20:11
    that's pure prefrontal cortex your lyic
  • 00:20:14
    system says avoid avoid you're annoyed
  • 00:20:16
    she bums me out she's irritating me
  • 00:20:20
    she's on my case there's dishes in the
  • 00:20:21
    sink I like I'm just gonna go down to
  • 00:20:23
    the man cave and watch a game that's it
  • 00:20:26
    right no no no that's when you say bring
  • 00:20:28
    it in I'm going to go hug that's like
  • 00:20:29
    I'm going to I love you that's when you
  • 00:20:30
    say you say I love you most when you
  • 00:20:33
    feel it the least go it's like there's a
  • 00:20:37
    you can get one I have a I have one
  • 00:20:39
    touch flower ordering on my phone right
  • 00:20:43
    and I touch a button on my phone and
  • 00:20:45
    flowers go to my house my house yeah
  • 00:20:47
    right and and I do it not when I'm
  • 00:20:50
    feeling the the greatest warmth for my
  • 00:20:53
    wife but when I'm feeling the iciest
  • 00:20:55
    yeah right for Esther like I've been
  • 00:20:56
    married almost 33 years at this point so
  • 00:20:58
    like you know I got a lot of tricks
  • 00:20:59
    under my belt it's like click it's like
  • 00:21:02
    I'm not feeling it click right and um
  • 00:21:05
    because I want to practice approach when
  • 00:21:06
    I'm feeling avoidance unfortunately
  • 00:21:08
    Esther's figured it out well but but so
  • 00:21:11
    I was like what's wrong flowers I was
  • 00:21:14
    traveling and uh this I just I just flew
  • 00:21:17
    in this morning I was traveling and you
  • 00:21:20
    know those traveling phone calls you get
  • 00:21:21
    a little short yeah and I was short and
  • 00:21:23
    I didn't like it I don't have I don't
  • 00:21:25
    know how these phones work and so the
  • 00:21:27
    guy who travels with me I was like hey
  • 00:21:30
    do you have that thing where you can
  • 00:21:31
    order food and send it will you send Ice
  • 00:21:33
    Cream to my house and he's like okay
  • 00:21:36
    like 21st century dud but okay um and uh
  • 00:21:40
    so anyway I got a message later that was
  • 00:21:42
    just all hearts and it was like Hey
  • 00:21:45
    things is awesome and but it was that I
  • 00:21:49
    can stew I'm on the road I don't have to
  • 00:21:50
    see anybody I can just be all
  • 00:21:53
    dramatic but that's anxiety right that
  • 00:21:56
    is every I don't want to work out I
  • 00:21:58
    don't if you head into it it's always on
  • 00:22:01
    the other side of it and it's never the
  • 00:22:03
    other it's never avoidant right yeah and
  • 00:22:04
    this is this is how you know the the
  • 00:22:07
    master of your brain is governing the
  • 00:22:09
    Emissary you know when the prefrontal
  • 00:22:11
    cortex is mastering the lyic system of
  • 00:22:13
    the brain like you need emotions you'd
  • 00:22:15
    be dead without them absolutely you'd be
  • 00:22:16
    dead every week without them right I
  • 00:22:18
    mean and people who want to live without
  • 00:22:19
    so-called bad feelings they don't
  • 00:22:21
    understand emotions but these are
  • 00:22:22
    physiological responses to the outside
  • 00:22:25
    world you need to govern them using your
  • 00:22:27
    full capabilities your full capacities
  • 00:22:29
    that's what it means to be fully alive
  • 00:22:31
    that's what it means to be a human right
  • 00:22:33
    and when you're watching the movies that
  • 00:22:34
    say go with your feelings you're going
  • 00:22:35
    to screw this up and you're going to be
  • 00:22:37
    unhappy you and I both know this and the
  • 00:22:39
    the average listener won't know this
  • 00:22:41
    that the the field of social sciences
  • 00:22:44
    and especially the field of psychology
  • 00:22:46
    right is a largely atheistic field it's
  • 00:22:48
    a largely let's see if we can use these
  • 00:22:51
    tools of of of quote unquote heart
  • 00:22:53
    science and bring them over here to
  • 00:22:54
    people right and create these artificial
  • 00:22:56
    environments where we can pull apart the
  • 00:22:58
    human and see what it's made of the
  • 00:23:00
    studies that walk up to the line of or
  • 00:23:03
    as my friend says walks up to the
  • 00:23:04
    doorway of Faith they're just they're
  • 00:23:08
    incalculable that if you are a faith
  • 00:23:11
    practitioner or
  • 00:23:12
    you submit to something bigger than
  • 00:23:15
    yourself every part of your life is is
  • 00:23:19
    different it's elevated and the FI as a
  • 00:23:21
    whole it seems to be and maybe I'm
  • 00:23:23
    biased but they walk up to that line and
  • 00:23:26
    they will walk through serotonin doine
  • 00:23:28
    and oxytocin they will walk through
  • 00:23:30
    these other parts and this one they will
  • 00:23:32
    say and faith and they walk like they
  • 00:23:34
    have to acknowledge it because they're
  • 00:23:35
    not going to be dishonest but there's no
  • 00:23:37
    what I would call an integrous look into
  • 00:23:39
    okay what is this why can't we talk
  • 00:23:42
    about it it feels so third rail before
  • 00:23:44
    third rails existed in 2016 right um and
  • 00:23:47
    I can't wrap my head around it yeah
  • 00:23:49
    other than it I I don't know you you
  • 00:23:50
    live in it further than I am yeah so you
  • 00:23:52
    know I've thought about that an awful
  • 00:23:53
    lot because I'm a lifelong practicing
  • 00:23:55
    Christian and I'm a social scientist I'm
  • 00:23:57
    a behavioral scientist now which most
  • 00:23:59
    people don't know are opposing worlds
  • 00:24:00
    they they mostly opposing worlds not
  • 00:24:02
    entirely something like 16 to 17% of of
  • 00:24:05
    social scientist PhD social scientists
  • 00:24:07
    are religious okay or have a a religious
  • 00:24:10
    practice I should say most of whom in
  • 00:24:12
    the United States are Christians because
  • 00:24:13
    it's the predominant religion but not
  • 00:24:14
    all I mean some I know many in my field
  • 00:24:16
    who are are serious about their Jewish
  • 00:24:18
    faith for example and if you go to India
  • 00:24:21
    you know a lot of social scientists are
  • 00:24:22
    practicing Hindus etc etc but 16 17%
  • 00:24:25
    that's way below the American average
  • 00:24:27
    right so what's the deal social science
  • 00:24:29
    largely says that everything that
  • 00:24:32
    happens that you experience is socially
  • 00:24:34
    constructed right including your faith
  • 00:24:37
    okay including God okay and so therefore
  • 00:24:39
    God is the conclusion is often that God
  • 00:24:43
    has been constructed socially to deal
  • 00:24:45
    with problems that we don't know how to
  • 00:24:47
    deal with in any other way okay now that
  • 00:24:49
    makes a supposition that once we get to
  • 00:24:51
    a certain level of knowledge as a
  • 00:24:52
    society and as individuals then God will
  • 00:24:54
    be unnecessary that's scientism right
  • 00:24:56
    that's a religion the whole idea is that
  • 00:24:59
    science is going to overtake faith and
  • 00:25:01
    and and religion being the opiate of the
  • 00:25:03
    masses for now correct and so a better
  • 00:25:07
    future is one where we find the answers
  • 00:25:10
    and it turns out now increasingly we
  • 00:25:12
    realize that's wrong and we understand
  • 00:25:14
    the science of why that's wrong so the
  • 00:25:16
    New Frontier is going to be way more
  • 00:25:19
    accommodating to religious Faith than it
  • 00:25:20
    currently is or has been in the past and
  • 00:25:22
    you don't think there's it feels like
  • 00:25:23
    there's an end around coming with tech
  • 00:25:25
    trying to answer that same question not
  • 00:25:27
    with social science anymore well for
  • 00:25:28
    sure was going to solve it for us he
  • 00:25:30
    didn't and so now there's the end around
  • 00:25:32
    with yeah will just and it's going to be
  • 00:25:34
    an exercise and futility in the same way
  • 00:25:36
    actually know why we actually know why
  • 00:25:38
    that is increasingly the case so you
  • 00:25:40
    know the work of Ian mcgilchrist the
  • 00:25:42
    great the great psychiatrist and
  • 00:25:43
    neuroscientist from Scotland he wrote uh
  • 00:25:46
    in 2004 a long time ago the master in
  • 00:25:48
    his Emissary and what he was talking
  • 00:25:49
    about was the the hemispherically
  • 00:25:51
    lateralized brain this is nerd speak for
  • 00:25:54
    the brain has two sides to it right okay
  • 00:25:56
    the ref the left hemisphere and the
  • 00:25:58
    hemisphere now back in the old days
  • 00:25:59
    there was this kind of Pop idea that you
  • 00:26:02
    if you were artsy you and if you're an
  • 00:26:04
    analytic all that's nonsense none of
  • 00:26:06
    that actually held up to the science but
  • 00:26:09
    we are hemispherically lateralized
  • 00:26:10
    because the two sides of the brain the
  • 00:26:12
    human brain communicate with each other
  • 00:26:13
    but do different things what we find is
  • 00:26:16
    the big questions of meaning are
  • 00:26:18
    adjudicated on the right and the
  • 00:26:20
    analytical questions the problems the
  • 00:26:23
    distractions and details of Life are
  • 00:26:24
    adjudicated on the left so what does
  • 00:26:27
    this mean if you want to set an agenda
  • 00:26:28
    for your life you're going to come up
  • 00:26:30
    with the big questions and ideas on the
  • 00:26:32
    right and then you're going to work out
  • 00:26:33
    the little problems on the left okay
  • 00:26:34
    Tech and science are all on the left so
  • 00:26:38
    social media is on the left screens are
  • 00:26:40
    on the left right all of the the stuff
  • 00:26:43
    that Tech is bringing us is is left side
  • 00:26:46
    one of the reasons that young people are
  • 00:26:48
    finding it harder and harder and harder
  • 00:26:50
    to find the meaning of their lives is
  • 00:26:51
    because they're being pushed by the
  • 00:26:53
    entire culture the technocratic culture
  • 00:26:55
    into the left side of the brains the
  • 00:26:57
    right side is becoming inaccessible to
  • 00:26:59
    people and that's why they're not they
  • 00:27:01
    don't just feel a lack of meaning they
  • 00:27:03
    don't even know where to look yeah they
  • 00:27:05
    don't even know where to look
  • 00:27:06
    geographically in their own brains
  • 00:27:07
    anymore my whole world is about getting
  • 00:27:10
    back to the right side of the brain but
  • 00:27:12
    you can't sell that because it's it's
  • 00:27:14
    it's relatively easy well it's easy
  • 00:27:17
    simple not simple not easy it's a simple
  • 00:27:19
    idea but it's really hard to
  • 00:27:20
    doise but it's hard yeah I mean you got
  • 00:27:23
    to cross the Corpus colossum I mean man
  • 00:27:25
    you got to get from the the wiring to
  • 00:27:27
    the right side of the brain and people
  • 00:27:29
    are like I can see it over there kind of
  • 00:27:31
    I can see it over there kind of and so
  • 00:27:33
    you have to talk about very practical
  • 00:27:35
    protocols in your life like how much
  • 00:27:37
    screen time you should not get right you
  • 00:27:39
    know how long should you be looking at
  • 00:27:40
    your phone now how long should you be
  • 00:27:41
    not looking at your phone continuously
  • 00:27:43
    these are the questions that I'm trying
  • 00:27:45
    to answer how should you be adjudicating
  • 00:27:47
    your relationships you want to go out on
  • 00:27:49
    a date find a find a Matchmaker not a
  • 00:27:52
    dating app because the dating app is the
  • 00:27:55
    complicated left brain solution to the
  • 00:27:57
    right brain complex problem that's love
  • 00:28:01
    right right and so you need another
  • 00:28:03
    human complex right side that's going to
  • 00:28:05
    help you with yours AKA your parents
  • 00:28:08
    your friends the people who who setting
  • 00:28:10
    you up okay so we want to match all
  • 00:28:13
    right the the truth of in my world I was
  • 00:28:16
    18 years old heading off to college and
  • 00:28:17
    I went to this spiritual Retreat and
  • 00:28:20
    this this well meaning but way
  • 00:28:23
    overzealous um guy was like here's
  • 00:28:25
    what's about to happen so I wrote down
  • 00:28:28
    it's not good it's all bad right so the
  • 00:28:31
    encouragement was write down your list
  • 00:28:33
    of 10 non-negotiables a future mate and
  • 00:28:37
    all of my 18-year-old wisdom and this
  • 00:28:39
    time I was still hoping to become the
  • 00:28:41
    blond the backup lead singer panta so I
  • 00:28:43
    was right non-negotiables
  • 00:28:47
    I've been with the same woman 25 years
  • 00:28:49
    she had two of the 10 and one of them
  • 00:28:51
    was to be a beautiful woman that was one
  • 00:28:53
    of them right so I was wrong on 80% of
  • 00:28:57
    what would be classifi as this left him
  • 00:28:59
    like
  • 00:29:00
    the but what didn't occur to me at 18
  • 00:29:03
    was
  • 00:29:04
    this purpose this anchoring right what
  • 00:29:08
    do we want to build together and that's
  • 00:29:10
    a different and it feels like now the
  • 00:29:12
    why of marriage by the way the right
  • 00:29:14
    brain question of marriage yes get that
  • 00:29:16
    one right you can figure this other
  • 00:29:17
    stuff non-negotiables were the details
  • 00:29:20
    of what a marriage is you're trying to
  • 00:29:21
    solve that problem in the left side of
  • 00:29:22
    your brain whereas what you really
  • 00:29:24
    should be thinking about in falling in
  • 00:29:25
    love and staying in love is the why of
  • 00:29:27
    the relationship ship per se which is a
  • 00:29:29
    right brain
  • 00:29:31
    question it's time to talk about the
  • 00:29:33
    greatest sleep Innovation since the
  • 00:29:35
    invention of the mattress you got it I'm
  • 00:29:38
    talking about eight sleep I love that
  • 00:29:41
    eight sleep is partnering with you to
  • 00:29:43
    change the way you sleep and ultimately
  • 00:29:46
    change your marriage change your health
  • 00:29:48
    and change your life my wife and I have
  • 00:29:50
    been sleeping on an eight sleep for over
  • 00:29:52
    a year and it has transformed our sleep
  • 00:29:54
    our ability to keep sleeping in the same
  • 00:29:56
    bed without one of us becoming too too
  • 00:29:58
    hot or too cold and overall eight sleep
  • 00:30:00
    has just improved our life so what is
  • 00:30:03
    eight sleep my friends at eight sleep
  • 00:30:05
    have created a fitted sheet with cooling
  • 00:30:07
    and heating technology embedded inside
  • 00:30:09
    of it called the eight sleep pod the Pod
  • 00:30:12
    cover can be easily added to your
  • 00:30:13
    existing mattress like a fitted sheet
  • 00:30:15
    for individualized temperature
  • 00:30:17
    adjustments it cools down or warms up
  • 00:30:20
    each side of the bed and it learns what
  • 00:30:22
    your body needs and it begins to do this
  • 00:30:25
    automatically eight sleep is clinically
  • 00:30:28
    proven to improve your sleep help reduce
  • 00:30:30
    snoring and add Total Sleep time to your
  • 00:30:33
    already stressed life I've been using
  • 00:30:36
    the eight sleep pod 3 and they've just
  • 00:30:38
    announced their newest generation of pod
  • 00:30:41
    the Pod 4 ultra it cools it Heats and
  • 00:30:45
    now it elevates automatically the new
  • 00:30:47
    pod 4 can detect your snoring yes I'm
  • 00:30:50
    totally serious and automatically lift
  • 00:30:52
    your head by a few degrees to improve
  • 00:30:54
    air flow and help you and your partner
  • 00:30:57
    stop snoring
  • 00:30:58
    you owe it to yourself and your marriage
  • 00:31:00
    to at least check it out and learn more
  • 00:31:04
    go right now stop the show go to
  • 00:31:07
    8sleep.com
  • 00:31:08
    delone and check it out that's eight
  • 00:31:11
    sleep EIG G HT SL sl.com delone and you
  • 00:31:17
    can use code deloney to get $350 off the
  • 00:31:20
    Pod for Ultra go right now eight sleep
  • 00:31:24
    will change your life and your marriage
  • 00:31:26
    and I know this because it's changed
  • 00:31:29
    mine let's talk about organifi here's
  • 00:31:32
    the truth hell shouldn't be so hard and
  • 00:31:35
    in fact it's not when it comes down to
  • 00:31:37
    it we need to exercise and lift heavy
  • 00:31:40
    things we need to get enough sleep we've
  • 00:31:42
    got to have great friends and work on
  • 00:31:43
    our emotional and spiritual health and
  • 00:31:46
    we got to get optimal nutrition and
  • 00:31:47
    energy intake from Whole Foods and
  • 00:31:50
    supplements as needed and over the past
  • 00:31:52
    year I've been dramatically cutting down
  • 00:31:54
    my supplement routines to a few things
  • 00:31:57
    that I trust and a few things that I
  • 00:31:59
    know will help me be the husband dad and
  • 00:32:02
    Community member that I want to be I've
  • 00:32:05
    cut out a ton of unnecessary things but
  • 00:32:07
    I still start every morning with
  • 00:32:09
    organifi organifi has incredibly high
  • 00:32:11
    quality ingredients that I trust for me
  • 00:32:13
    in my family and I love mixing the red
  • 00:32:16
    and green powders in the morning it's
  • 00:32:18
    super quick and it's easy I mix these
  • 00:32:20
    two powders together with the occasional
  • 00:32:22
    pure powder for some jet fuel into a
  • 00:32:24
    glass of cold water and I do this even
  • 00:32:26
    before my first cup of coffee
  • 00:32:28
    I begin every single day with organifi
  • 00:32:30
    and I often end the day with organifi as
  • 00:32:32
    well too I travel with organifi and I
  • 00:32:35
    share it with all my friends and family
  • 00:32:37
    and I highly recommend you give it a try
  • 00:32:39
    go to organifi.com dealone for 20% off
  • 00:32:43
    your entire order that's organifi o r g
  • 00:32:48
    nfi.com
  • 00:32:49
    dealone or use promo code deloney at
  • 00:32:53
    checkout how do you talk to a generation
  • 00:32:56
    of young people who's parents parents
  • 00:32:59
    came home from the war one person got
  • 00:33:01
    behind a newspaper and the other person
  • 00:33:03
    just worked then two parents bought this
  • 00:33:06
    we have to or we're going to work 24/7
  • 00:33:08
    365 together and we've created the
  • 00:33:10
    loneliest generation in human history
  • 00:33:13
    yeah and then you and I are telling them
  • 00:33:16
    hey look this sounds crazy find somebody
  • 00:33:18
    that you think is handsome find somebody
  • 00:33:20
    you think is beautiful find someone that
  • 00:33:21
    laugh you can laugh with and then go
  • 00:33:24
    become great best friends yeah and
  • 00:33:26
    there's no there's no model for that
  • 00:33:27
    yeah so I'm asking someone like hey I
  • 00:33:29
    want you to dribble this basketball and
  • 00:33:31
    throw it in that hoop and they've never
  • 00:33:33
    seen a basketball played how do you make
  • 00:33:35
    that connection for folks cuz I I feel
  • 00:33:37
    like we're asking people to head out
  • 00:33:38
    into the jungle with a machete like just
  • 00:33:39
    trust us cuz this isn't working clearly
  • 00:33:42
    this is not working and another another
  • 00:33:44
    app isn't going to
  • 00:33:45
    help well there's okay there's a there
  • 00:33:48
    there's sort of a theological response
  • 00:33:49
    we can leave that aside for a moment
  • 00:33:50
    there's a philosophical response and
  • 00:33:52
    there's a technological response to that
  • 00:33:53
    okay so the technology let's start
  • 00:33:55
    should be very practical about this
  • 00:33:57
    you're unlikely to do that with the apps
  • 00:34:00
    you're not it's just it's hard it's
  • 00:34:03
    harder than you think like and I've got
  • 00:34:05
    the data on this this is not and you've
  • 00:34:07
    got the date on this too that you're
  • 00:34:08
    more likely to get more dates and you're
  • 00:34:10
    less likely to be attracted to the
  • 00:34:11
    people that that you're dating that's
  • 00:34:14
    what the data show you're going to have
  • 00:34:15
    more dates and you're going to like them
  • 00:34:17
    less yeah than you would otherwise which
  • 00:34:19
    sucks yeah I mean that's that's a bad
  • 00:34:21
    deal it's like I'm going out with all
  • 00:34:22
    these guys and I don't like any of them
  • 00:34:24
    why I'll tell you why we actually know
  • 00:34:26
    why we are built for
  • 00:34:28
    attraction to people who are
  • 00:34:30
    complimentary to us when you're curating
  • 00:34:33
    your dating profile on almost any dating
  • 00:34:35
    app you're writing a profile of yourself
  • 00:34:37
    and looking for yourself you know and so
  • 00:34:40
    I want somebody who you know lives in
  • 00:34:42
    such and such and such a place okay fine
  • 00:34:44
    somebody who's got such and such a
  • 00:34:46
    religious Faith okay but who likes
  • 00:34:48
    sriracha and thinks that you know Austin
  • 00:34:50
    Texas is a personality and you know
  • 00:34:52
    whatever your like this kind of music
  • 00:34:53
    and and more than anything else votes
  • 00:34:55
    like this and you've just at a portrait
  • 00:34:58
    of you you're looking for you that's
  • 00:35:00
    really not hot no you know that's we are
  • 00:35:03
    not we are biologically unsuited to
  • 00:35:06
    people who are too close to us and you
  • 00:35:07
    there's all this research you know this
  • 00:35:09
    the T-shirt sniffing tests are you this
  • 00:35:12
    pheromones yeah yeah and so with this
  • 00:35:13
    says the olfactory bull Des this is the
  • 00:35:18
    the the major histo compatibility
  • 00:35:19
    complex which is to say your repertoire
  • 00:35:22
    of of immunological responses to
  • 00:35:25
    pathogens you want people who are more
  • 00:35:27
    biologically different than you so that
  • 00:35:29
    your offspring are going to have a
  • 00:35:31
    better repertoire of of you know
  • 00:35:33
    immunological repertoire and that means
  • 00:35:36
    you're going to be more romantically
  • 00:35:37
    attracted more sexually attracted to
  • 00:35:40
    people who are different than you not
  • 00:35:41
    the same and there's a correlation
  • 00:35:43
    between your immunological profile and
  • 00:35:45
    your personality profile that's just a
  • 00:35:48
    that's just the fact and so when you
  • 00:35:49
    curate your your dating profile to be
  • 00:35:52
    you you're going to get people who are
  • 00:35:53
    too much like you and you're not going
  • 00:35:54
    to like them it's like it's like it's
  • 00:35:56
    like the two North's on on a magnet
  • 00:35:58
    right yeah totally and I get it I mean
  • 00:36:00
    there's got to be some level of
  • 00:36:01
    compatibility I mean it's like if you're
  • 00:36:03
    if you're very very serious about your
  • 00:36:05
    faith and you don't want to marry
  • 00:36:06
    outside the faith then look for somebody
  • 00:36:07
    who's got your faith but don't look for
  • 00:36:09
    somebody who's got your personality or
  • 00:36:11
    necessarily your race and you know that
  • 00:36:13
    kind of stuff like at like
  • 00:36:15
    complimentarity that's what we want
  • 00:36:17
    complimentarity so that's the first
  • 00:36:19
    thing to really be thinking about when
  • 00:36:21
    when when people are setting this up and
  • 00:36:22
    that's the reason that matchmakers are
  • 00:36:23
    better than apps cuz your parents know
  • 00:36:25
    that they know you and your friends know
  • 00:36:27
    that they want somebody who's like you
  • 00:36:28
    but not too much like you they'll be
  • 00:36:30
    like yeah there's something about it
  • 00:36:31
    doesn't seem like a good match because
  • 00:36:32
    they're using the right side of their
  • 00:36:34
    brains when they're setting you up
  • 00:36:35
    that's the first thing to think about
  • 00:36:37
    okay then the second thing to think
  • 00:36:39
    about is that we've built a world
  • 00:36:40
    without risk the biggest problem is not
  • 00:36:44
    that we're sending people out unprepared
  • 00:36:45
    with a machete the problem is we've told
  • 00:36:48
    them to go out with a machete where they
  • 00:36:49
    don't know where they're going is a bad
  • 00:36:50
    and dangerous thing to do we have a
  • 00:36:52
    culture of safetyism so it's like I'm
  • 00:36:54
    going to adjudicate your uh your
  • 00:36:56
    conflicts in elementary school
  • 00:36:58
    and if there's a problem in college I'm
  • 00:36:59
    going to call the Dean and so kids have
  • 00:37:02
    learned that it's a dangerous world out
  • 00:37:04
    there my students walking out of an exam
  • 00:37:05
    but they didn't like texting their moms
  • 00:37:07
    on the way out yeah grad wild but that's
  • 00:37:12
    because they've been acculturated to a
  • 00:37:14
    world that doesn't have risk and doesn't
  • 00:37:15
    have danger G guess what's Dangerous
  • 00:37:19
    Dating guess what's scary do you love me
  • 00:37:21
    falling in love and so what I try to
  • 00:37:23
    inculcate is a mentality of
  • 00:37:25
    Entrepreneurship and the thing that
  • 00:37:27
    matters the most look the the Enterprise
  • 00:37:29
    that matters is your life you're the
  • 00:37:30
    founder you're the CEO the currency that
  • 00:37:33
    you're trying to make explosive in
  • 00:37:35
    Fortune is love and happiness yeah so go
  • 00:37:38
    take a risk if you're not giving your
  • 00:37:40
    heart away you're not an entrepreneur
  • 00:37:43
    that's just a fact I me and that means
  • 00:37:45
    you will get hurt period oh yeah no the
  • 00:37:47
    average entrepreneur startup
  • 00:37:49
    entrepreneur who's successful has 3.9
  • 00:37:53
    failures okay so let's just as a rule of
  • 00:37:55
    thumb if your heart is not been broken
  • 00:37:58
    badly four times you haven't been in the
  • 00:38:00
    game enough on average I mean your
  • 00:38:03
    results May Vary right maybe you're I
  • 00:38:06
    mean right some people marry their first
  • 00:38:09
    girlfriend and it's like 73 years of
  • 00:38:11
    bliss yeah but the truth of the matter
  • 00:38:14
    is that you need to be really
  • 00:38:15
    entrepreneurial and you need to wake up
  • 00:38:16
    and say bring it on man I'm an
  • 00:38:19
    entrepreneur I'm and and and you know
  • 00:38:21
    I've talked about this a lot I was I
  • 00:38:23
    gave a talk in DC about this to a bunch
  • 00:38:25
    of young adults working on the hill
  • 00:38:27
    which is the world's most dysfunctional
  • 00:38:29
    dating market right and uh I said if
  • 00:38:32
    you're an entrepreneur you got to get
  • 00:38:33
    your heartbroken just fact and guy comes
  • 00:38:35
    up to me sees me a couple weeks later on
  • 00:38:37
    a plane of all places he's like yeah I
  • 00:38:39
    couldn't get that talk out of my head he
  • 00:38:40
    said I'm on my way to Philadelphia to
  • 00:38:43
    declare my love to a woman I've been
  • 00:38:45
    secretly in love with for two years I'm
  • 00:38:46
    like it was just a
  • 00:38:49
    speech but and then he heard from him
  • 00:38:52
    later that she she didn't love him she
  • 00:38:55
    introduced him to her boyfriend it was
  • 00:38:57
    horrible I mean he was just like reputed
  • 00:38:58
    he was humiliated and I said I'm sorry I
  • 00:39:00
    didn't you know didn't mean to ruin your
  • 00:39:01
    life and he saids no no no I've been
  • 00:39:02
    he's free I've been meaning to thank you
  • 00:39:04
    because the worst thing in my life
  • 00:39:06
    happened and I didn't die right he's
  • 00:39:08
    free and now I can I'm not afraid
  • 00:39:10
    anymore in the same way it wasn't as bad
  • 00:39:12
    as I thought this is the thing in life
  • 00:39:16
    you know this is the thing you know the
  • 00:39:18
    first time you jump with a parachute out
  • 00:39:19
    of the plane you don't die you're like I
  • 00:39:20
    can do that again y it's the first time
  • 00:39:22
    that's the hardest and that's the world
  • 00:39:24
    that we've created that's really really
  • 00:39:25
    difficult for young people with the
  • 00:39:26
    machetes the jungles and Etc you've
  • 00:39:29
    written on this eloquently in one of
  • 00:39:31
    your older books and it's something that
  • 00:39:33
    I've wrestled with what was that you
  • 00:39:35
    wrote a an excellent book on contempt in
  • 00:39:38
    the culture I've tried to unpack it in
  • 00:39:40
    my mind and here's my challenge with
  • 00:39:43
    walk asking people to walk away from
  • 00:39:45
    contempt I think it may be the most
  • 00:39:46
    powerful drug we have now mhm because it
  • 00:39:49
    insulates us this idea that I am a it's
  • 00:39:54
    it's hierarchical I am better than you
  • 00:39:56
    for this reason season
  • 00:39:59
    and if I'm just an assistant manager at
  • 00:40:01
    nap Auto Parts or I am a lowly assistant
  • 00:40:06
    professor I get pushed around all day I
  • 00:40:08
    get told I'm stupid all day I get
  • 00:40:09
    laughed at every day I get the crappy
  • 00:40:10
    jobs all day I get the bad committee
  • 00:40:11
    assignment I get all the stuff and then
  • 00:40:14
    I got some coach telling me that if my
  • 00:40:15
    kid doesn't play this travel Sports
  • 00:40:17
    League that I'm going to ruin them so I
  • 00:40:19
    got to Pony up this money I've got a
  • 00:40:20
    spouse who just spins spinning us into
  • 00:40:22
    into the grave all I have in our current
  • 00:40:26
    culture I got no friends that I hang out
  • 00:40:28
    with regularly cheers doesn't exist
  • 00:40:30
    anymore all I have is contempt I have a
  • 00:40:34
    guy standing up saying your life sucks
  • 00:40:36
    because of them right and I don't know
  • 00:40:40
    it feels harder to detox than fentel I
  • 00:40:42
    don't I don't know how to detox as a
  • 00:40:44
    culture or forget the culture the big
  • 00:40:46
    picture I don't know how to look at
  • 00:40:47
    somebody and say I need you to lay down
  • 00:40:49
    the only sword you have so contempt is a
  • 00:40:54
    combination of two basic negative
  • 00:40:56
    emotions okay so there are only four
  • 00:40:58
    negative emotions we all feel like very
  • 00:41:00
    special flowers emotionally but we we
  • 00:41:02
    have a emotionally we have the same
  • 00:41:05
    kitchen with the same ingredients we
  • 00:41:07
    make different things in that kitchen
  • 00:41:09
    but the the the four negative emotions
  • 00:41:11
    that everybody has are anger disgust
  • 00:41:14
    sadness and fear those are the four
  • 00:41:16
    basic negative emotions that negative
  • 00:41:18
    doesn't mean bad it just means that
  • 00:41:20
    those are the things that signal threat
  • 00:41:22
    okay to us from the outside world so
  • 00:41:25
    fear and anger are from the amydala and
  • 00:41:27
    they they light up when there's a threat
  • 00:41:28
    in either fight or flight disgust comes
  • 00:41:31
    from the insula and that says there's
  • 00:41:33
    some there's a pathogen that can kill
  • 00:41:34
    you so you should find it disgusting you
  • 00:41:36
    should find it you know terrible and and
  • 00:41:38
    you should avoid it yeah you should
  • 00:41:39
    avoid it and sadness it stimulates the
  • 00:41:42
    dors cell interior singular cortex and
  • 00:41:43
    that's a part of the brain dedicated to
  • 00:41:45
    social pain or emotional pain that's
  • 00:41:46
    from losing someone or something that
  • 00:41:48
    you love that's what that's what sadness
  • 00:41:51
    comes from okay all of these things are
  • 00:41:53
    evolved I mean all these things are
  • 00:41:54
    adapted they're very important for us
  • 00:41:56
    because you know before for example you
  • 00:41:58
    had vaccines and antibiotics all you had
  • 00:42:01
    was disgust that was it that was like
  • 00:42:03
    that smells bad that might that looks
  • 00:42:04
    rotten that smells like it might be dead
  • 00:42:06
    that looks like it's something it might
  • 00:42:07
    contain a lot of bacteria and I have a a
  • 00:42:10
    I have sensory organs from the old
  • 00:42:11
    factory bulb to this insulin in my brain
  • 00:42:13
    to say that seems like it has bacteria
  • 00:42:16
    in it and that might give me an
  • 00:42:17
    infection I'll die you need this stuff
  • 00:42:18
    is what it comes down to but we use them
  • 00:42:20
    socially and people manipulate us
  • 00:42:22
    socially to use these emotions now anger
  • 00:42:25
    is not bad in relationship ship right I
  • 00:42:28
    mean anger is not bad the Gans that
  • 00:42:30
    you've talked about a lot on your
  • 00:42:31
    program John and Julie gotman at the
  • 00:42:33
    gotman marriage lab in Washington state
  • 00:42:35
    they they show that divorce and anger
  • 00:42:38
    uncorrelated it's and that's really
  • 00:42:40
    important anger means you care yeah
  • 00:42:42
    anger is a hot emotion that says I care
  • 00:42:44
    what you think and I want it to change
  • 00:42:46
    it can be uncontrolled it can come
  • 00:42:47
    become destructive in all sorts of ways
  • 00:42:49
    but anger per se is not a problem thank
  • 00:42:52
    God because you know right the secret to
  • 00:42:54
    my 30 years 33 years of happy marriage
  • 00:42:56
    is the lack of correlation anger and
  • 00:42:58
    divorce disgust is really bad in
  • 00:43:02
    relationships however because disgust is
  • 00:43:04
    is is is should be relegated to actual
  • 00:43:07
    pathogens a person shouldn't be a
  • 00:43:09
    pathogen now demagogic leaders use
  • 00:43:13
    disgust by relating people to actual
  • 00:43:16
    pathogens in the environment when
  • 00:43:17
    somebody says those people are
  • 00:43:19
    disgusting they're trying to stimulate
  • 00:43:21
    the insula in your brain and it will
  • 00:43:23
    stimulate to disgust response and you
  • 00:43:25
    will go into panic mode very cockroach
  • 00:43:28
    langu yeah the tootsie the hu is called
  • 00:43:30
    the tootsies in the Rwanda genocide
  • 00:43:32
    cockroach is that a word for it the the
  • 00:43:34
    the Hitler referred to the Jews as rats
  • 00:43:37
    there's a reason for that trying to
  • 00:43:39
    stimulate but we have an American
  • 00:43:41
    political culture in the United States
  • 00:43:42
    that say that what that what that person
  • 00:43:44
    says is disgusting when they use the
  • 00:43:46
    word disgusting they're trying to
  • 00:43:48
    stimulate your insula the part of your
  • 00:43:49
    brain that will highjack your emotional
  • 00:43:52
    life and so that you feel panic and rage
  • 00:43:56
    toward another person okay it's out of
  • 00:43:58
    my life that person can really really
  • 00:43:59
    hurt me so somebody who disagrees with
  • 00:44:01
    you politically becomes a threat to your
  • 00:44:03
    life at that moment that's what that's
  • 00:44:06
    just pure biology man that's just
  • 00:44:07
    straight up biology now mix disgust with
  • 00:44:10
    anger together that's contempt that's a
  • 00:44:14
    complex emotion that we get when you see
  • 00:44:16
    it in a human relationship that's that
  • 00:44:19
    relationship is not necessarily doomed
  • 00:44:21
    but it's a big problem that's why the
  • 00:44:22
    goans find that the leading indicator of
  • 00:44:25
    a couple on the Rocks going toward
  • 00:44:27
    permanent Schism is eye rolling derision
  • 00:44:31
    sarcasm that's contempt and that's the
  • 00:44:34
    disgust that's coming through and being
  • 00:44:36
    just and and that's the coldness not the
  • 00:44:38
    hot anger it's the coldness of disgust
  • 00:44:40
    that comes through that's the problem
  • 00:44:42
    and we have it all over our culture why
  • 00:44:44
    that is our culture that is our culture
  • 00:44:45
    we have a culture of contempt absolutely
  • 00:44:47
    so that's what I talk about in politics
  • 00:44:48
    because you know I'm trying to do
  • 00:44:50
    something to help our country a little
  • 00:44:51
    bit that means don't roll your eyes when
  • 00:44:53
    somebody says something you disagree
  • 00:44:55
    with politically never do it in your
  • 00:44:56
    marriage
  • 00:44:57
    because that's interpreted by the brain
  • 00:44:59
    of your partner as you thinking that I'm
  • 00:45:02
    a pathogen and I'm worthless and I need
  • 00:45:04
    to be cast out because your brain will
  • 00:45:07
    interpret you don't you wouldn't say I
  • 00:45:09
    think you think that but my brain thinks
  • 00:45:11
    you think that even if you didn't intend
  • 00:45:13
    that that's why it's so unbelievably
  • 00:45:14
    damaging it's like physical abuse with
  • 00:45:16
    respect to what it does to relationships
  • 00:45:19
    and when we do it to each other in our
  • 00:45:21
    culture to our colleagues to you know
  • 00:45:23
    people we don't even know we're going to
  • 00:45:24
    get permanent enemies and that's why
  • 00:45:26
    Democrats and Republicans can't talk to
  • 00:45:28
    each other that's the reason because
  • 00:45:30
    social media and traditional cable and
  • 00:45:34
    politicians and you know people on the
  • 00:45:38
    street are acting this way toward each
  • 00:45:40
    other and we're seeing each other as
  • 00:45:41
    Vermin we're seeing each other's
  • 00:45:44
    pathogens the only path out of that is
  • 00:45:47
    when I feel cold towards my wife like we
  • 00:45:49
    talked about
  • 00:45:51
    earlier I have to decide I have to be
  • 00:45:55
    intentional about being warm and I got
  • 00:45:56
    to H towards her your your your marriage
  • 00:45:58
    will not survive if if it if it's not
  • 00:46:01
    primarily managed by your prefontal CeX
  • 00:46:03
    that's right that means I have to be
  • 00:46:05
    intentional y on a somewhat regular
  • 00:46:08
    basis and this is this is what I loved I
  • 00:46:11
    was there when I was at the law school
  • 00:46:13
    there was we sat around a table on
  • 00:46:14
    Friday mornings and had donuts and it
  • 00:46:16
    was these incredible law professors who
  • 00:46:19
    all disagreed with each other right and
  • 00:46:21
    they're all friends right and I loved it
  • 00:46:23
    and it was remarkable or S with theology
  • 00:46:25
    Professor just yelling I mean it's so it
  • 00:46:27
    it's so it's an orchestra it's so good
  • 00:46:30
    and you can get a culture of that I mean
  • 00:46:31
    the culture of that's is really
  • 00:46:32
    beautiful that's that's or that's what
  • 00:46:34
    we're trying to get at Academia but we
  • 00:46:35
    don't have we have it right but in the
  • 00:46:37
    day but but I have to decide to do that
  • 00:46:40
    in in my day-to-day life and that and
  • 00:46:42
    you have to manage that if you're
  • 00:46:43
    leading a culture you know and so you
  • 00:46:46
    know the alumni I do a lot of alumni
  • 00:46:48
    events at the Harvard Business School
  • 00:46:49
    because they want the happiness guy
  • 00:46:51
    right the Supply Chain management guy is
  • 00:46:52
    less you know less popular with the
  • 00:46:53
    alumni so I mean look his work make them
  • 00:46:57
    more money but anyway my point being
  • 00:46:58
    that I'm talking to the alumni they're
  • 00:46:59
    like I love it here because we used to
  • 00:47:01
    have these big disagreements here with
  • 00:47:02
    our friends what's going on what's with
  • 00:47:04
    cancel culture it's bad management is
  • 00:47:06
    what's up with cancel culture across
  • 00:47:08
    Academia I mean we're better at HBS than
  • 00:47:10
    a lot of places because we've got great
  • 00:47:11
    management but a lot of places don't and
  • 00:47:13
    so they're they're letting cancel
  • 00:47:14
    culture run out of control they're
  • 00:47:16
    letting the culture of contempt go out
  • 00:47:19
    of control they're saying that when
  • 00:47:20
    somebody says something you find
  • 00:47:21
    obnoxious that that's a threat to you
  • 00:47:23
    with trigger warnings and
  • 00:47:24
    microaggressions and safe spaces all
  • 00:47:27
    this stuff is what it's doing is it's
  • 00:47:28
    making it impossible for you to disagree
  • 00:47:30
    with somebody without expressing
  • 00:47:31
    contempt which means you will never land
  • 00:47:34
    no you'll never land no no and
  • 00:47:36
    furthermore you won't learn it's just
  • 00:47:37
    mediocre is what it comes down to and
  • 00:47:39
    that's what you need in your marriage
  • 00:47:41
    you need a marriage that can sustain
  • 00:47:44
    lots and lots of competition of ideas
  • 00:47:47
    because that leads to Excellence but it
  • 00:47:49
    must not be governed by contempt or the
  • 00:47:52
    competition of ideas will lead to Schism
  • 00:47:54
    will lead to separation will lead to
  • 00:47:56
    emotional separation if not physical
  • 00:47:57
    separation and then you go back to work
  • 00:47:59
    and that one person laughs at your jokes
  • 00:48:01
    yeah right I mean this is really you're
  • 00:48:03
    to the racist well then the person who
  • 00:48:05
    lasts your joke you you instigate the
  • 00:48:07
    neurochemical Cascade of falling in love
  • 00:48:09
    go and then your boss who's a [ __ ] says
  • 00:48:11
    we're going to do a a team building
  • 00:48:13
    effort um which is you know two days on
  • 00:48:16
    a lazy river in in canoes and your
  • 00:48:19
    spouses aren't invited that's right and
  • 00:48:21
    I don't know what happened exactly
  • 00:48:22
    Famous Last Words yeah I like I got
  • 00:48:25
    brain scans let me show you what
  • 00:48:26
    happened right right yeah I'm pretty
  • 00:48:28
    sure I know what happened yeah yeah but
  • 00:48:30
    contempt feels so powerful yeah yeah
  • 00:48:32
    know it is it I mean there has to be a
  • 00:48:34
    you get a neurochemical reward for for
  • 00:48:35
    it for sure because it save your life
  • 00:48:37
    yeah for sure I mean I mean
  • 00:48:39
    evolutionarily it saves your life for
  • 00:48:40
    sure and furthermore it feels good to be
  • 00:48:42
    right right I mean we have a an evolved
  • 00:48:45
    tendency to get the reward of being
  • 00:48:47
    there's a reason you have a my side bias
  • 00:48:49
    on everything which is kind of a
  • 00:48:51
    catchall term for all the things that we
  • 00:48:53
    do you you know all these all these
  • 00:48:56
    psychologic biases that we have there's
  • 00:48:58
    about 30 that make it hard for us to
  • 00:49:00
    look like there's a thousand of yeah
  • 00:49:01
    yeah but there's about there's a catalog
  • 00:49:03
    of about 30 biases that we have that
  • 00:49:04
    make it hard for us to assess
  • 00:49:06
    information fairly and to update our
  • 00:49:08
    views and to be more correct as opposed
  • 00:49:10
    to feeling more correct my side bias
  • 00:49:12
    just in general says that I I'm going to
  • 00:49:14
    I'm going to defend my point of view is
  • 00:49:16
    this if this were the the family fortune
  • 00:49:19
    you know there's a great Vietnamese
  • 00:49:21
    Buddhist monk tick knot Han and he used
  • 00:49:24
    to say that the greatest form in Modern
  • 00:49:26
    Life the greatest form of of attachment
  • 00:49:28
    is attachment to
  • 00:49:30
    opinions and we understand the
  • 00:49:31
    neurobiology why that's true you get a
  • 00:49:33
    reward for being right right you get a
  • 00:49:36
    reward for being and we could go back to
  • 00:49:37
    the evolution of why that would happen
  • 00:49:38
    in tribal societies etc etc but it makes
  • 00:49:41
    perfect sense and so the result is you
  • 00:49:42
    have to know that that you're scratching
  • 00:49:44
    a little itch you're getting a little
  • 00:49:45
    dopamine and and and and the Locust
  • 00:49:48
    cerus in your brain is spraying a little
  • 00:49:49
    dopamine in there like it feels good to
  • 00:49:51
    be right it feels good to go to somebody
  • 00:49:54
    who says you're right and the people
  • 00:49:55
    disagree with us they're stupid and evil
  • 00:49:57
    and they hate America right that feels
  • 00:50:00
    good right and when your friend says
  • 00:50:02
    yeah your wife she is she is
  • 00:50:05
    a a a
  • 00:50:07
    harpy that was an awesome filter just go
  • 00:50:10
    through the
  • 00:50:11
    Rolodex um but yeah but but again I go
  • 00:50:14
    back
  • 00:50:15
    to thank God I have a group of men in my
  • 00:50:18
    life that I can call and say I said this
  • 00:50:20
    and my wife said that and they go yeah
  • 00:50:22
    you're an idiot go say you're s yeah
  • 00:50:23
    dude yeah dude don't yeah you did it
  • 00:50:25
    wrong that wrong yeah you got to curate
  • 00:50:27
    your your relationship such that you've
  • 00:50:29
    got friends who are more likely to tell
  • 00:50:31
    you you're wrong when you're wrong you
  • 00:50:33
    have to have that where they'll
  • 00:50:34
    overcorrect on you yeah they're more
  • 00:50:37
    likely to criticize because they know
  • 00:50:39
    that the best thing that can happen to
  • 00:50:40
    you is that your marriage lasts that's
  • 00:50:42
    right and if they love you they want you
  • 00:50:43
    to have a successful marriage I have a
  • 00:50:46
    really super close friend in Atlanta and
  • 00:50:48
    I talk to him all the time name was
  • 00:50:50
    Frank and I call it Frank I said Frank
  • 00:50:52
    you got a problem what's your problem
  • 00:50:54
    right we've known each other for years
  • 00:50:55
    and years and years and years years and
  • 00:50:56
    it was like this thing is really buming
  • 00:50:58
    me out this thing is really I this
  • 00:51:00
    conflict is really bumming me out he
  • 00:51:01
    listen he says
  • 00:51:05
    buddy you might be thinking about this
  • 00:51:07
    in the wrong
  • 00:51:09
    way I know he's gonna he's going to take
  • 00:51:13
    me to the Woodshed I called him because
  • 00:51:15
    he's going to take me to the Woodshed
  • 00:51:17
    yeah my buddy Todd says and I quote
  • 00:51:20
    that's a stupidest thing I've ever heard
  • 00:51:21
    like that's just no matter what it is
  • 00:51:22
    that's always a response that's stup
  • 00:51:24
    thing I ever heard right and you got to
  • 00:51:26
    have those people people but that means
  • 00:51:28
    again like weightlifting like nutrition
  • 00:51:30
    like all these things I have to choose
  • 00:51:32
    to be uncomfortable in the moment for
  • 00:51:34
    this long-term benefit for yeah yeah
  • 00:51:36
    yeah side note of a very very profound
  • 00:51:39
    point that you're making right now's
  • 00:51:40
    that a lot of young people a lot of
  • 00:51:41
    people listening to us are younger than
  • 00:51:43
    you correct right yeah your core
  • 00:51:45
    demographic is people making their way
  • 00:51:47
    right right they have heard that that
  • 00:51:51
    psychological discomfort that pain and
  • 00:51:53
    suffering are evidence of a problem no
  • 00:51:56
    that is wrong that is a lie correct if
  • 00:51:59
    you're doing something difficult like
  • 00:52:00
    falling in love or going to college or
  • 00:52:02
    making your way through life and you're
  • 00:52:03
    not sad and anxious then you need
  • 00:52:05
    therapy that's the truth right and you
  • 00:52:08
    need to not eradicate it you need to
  • 00:52:10
    learn how to manage it learn from it and
  • 00:52:12
    grow from it how do you what's the
  • 00:52:14
    balance between those who will call my
  • 00:52:17
    show and say I've been in an abusive
  • 00:52:19
    relationship right and they keep P
  • 00:52:21
    there's a line there for sure and they
  • 00:52:23
    this can be so so exaggerated and so so
  • 00:52:26
    maladapted that you actually have a
  • 00:52:28
    medical problem of course I mean
  • 00:52:29
    clinical depression is no joke
  • 00:52:31
    generalized anxiety is no joke but
  • 00:52:33
    that's one of the ways that you don't
  • 00:52:34
    eradicate this but you try to turn down
  • 00:52:36
    the dial yeah on this you don't want to
  • 00:52:38
    turn to zero you die right you're right
  • 00:52:40
    you want to turn it down to manageable
  • 00:52:42
    levels where you're continuing to have a
  • 00:52:43
    full Human Experience that will lead to
  • 00:52:45
    a rich life and you continue to learn
  • 00:52:46
    and grow but the idea you go to a campus
  • 00:52:49
    Counseling Center and they say oh you're
  • 00:52:50
    feeling sad and anxious that's a
  • 00:52:52
    pathology yeah that's a huge problem or
  • 00:52:54
    I'll email your professor and say
  • 00:52:57
    can't teach on this topic yeah yeah for
  • 00:52:59
    sure yeah yeah that's a big problem
  • 00:53:01
    that's a very profound point that you've
  • 00:53:02
    made a lot in your show and I want to
  • 00:53:03
    underscore that the science follows that
  • 00:53:06
    very clearly that we need to take care
  • 00:53:08
    of ourselves Etc and we need to take
  • 00:53:10
    care of our mental health which is a big
  • 00:53:12
    theme of what you talk about but that
  • 00:53:13
    doesn't mean that means go do the
  • 00:53:15
    switches off that means dials maybe down
  • 00:53:17
    or at least understanding how to turn
  • 00:53:18
    the dials and that's emotional
  • 00:53:20
    self-management but I found that you
  • 00:53:23
    turn those dials down so you can do the
  • 00:53:24
    next right hard thing yep that's right
  • 00:53:26
    the next easy that's right look I'm not
  • 00:53:28
    going to get under a 600 lb bar to squat
  • 00:53:31
    my first time in the gym I'm going to
  • 00:53:33
    get hurt it's going to be a big problem
  • 00:53:36
    I'm going to I'm going to lower the
  • 00:53:37
    weight but I'm going to get under the
  • 00:53:40
    bar this show is sponsored by better
  • 00:53:43
    help all right we all know I'm a pretty
  • 00:53:45
    big nerd I love learning new things it's
  • 00:53:48
    one of the reasons why I spent most of
  • 00:53:50
    my adult life in a classroom either as a
  • 00:53:52
    student or a professor but I've been out
  • 00:53:54
    of the classroom for a few years and
  • 00:53:55
    with the flurry of activity around my
  • 00:53:57
    kids going back to school your kids
  • 00:53:59
    going back to school seeing all of the
  • 00:54:01
    Mania at the stores everywhere it
  • 00:54:03
    reminds me not going to lie of my love
  • 00:54:06
    for Learning and you may not have liked
  • 00:54:09
    school or maybe you did but I'm
  • 00:54:10
    confident that there are things that you
  • 00:54:12
    love to learn deeply about over the
  • 00:54:14
    years could be medicine gardening
  • 00:54:16
    prepping hunting politics Plumbing law
  • 00:54:19
    enforcement Shakespeare any number of
  • 00:54:21
    things and if we're honest most of us
  • 00:54:23
    spend our lives learning deeply about
  • 00:54:26
    anything and everything other than
  • 00:54:28
    ourselves and as we get older we can
  • 00:54:30
    switch into survival mode and many of us
  • 00:54:32
    stop learning and being curious
  • 00:54:34
    especially about ourselves alt together
  • 00:54:37
    I want to challenge you this fall to
  • 00:54:39
    become curious about yourself why do you
  • 00:54:41
    react the way you do why do you feel the
  • 00:54:44
    way you do why are you frustrated or
  • 00:54:46
    Overjoyed or exhausted all the
  • 00:54:48
    time therapy can be an amazing place to
  • 00:54:51
    learn more about you to regain your
  • 00:54:54
    sense of curiosity wonder and excitement
  • 00:54:56
    about the world you are worth a life
  • 00:55:00
    full of wonder and joy and if you're
  • 00:55:02
    considering therapy I want you to
  • 00:55:03
    consider calling my friends at better
  • 00:55:05
    help better help is 100% online therapy
  • 00:55:09
    staffed with licensed therapist you can
  • 00:55:11
    talk with your therapist anywhere in
  • 00:55:13
    your car during your lunch break at home
  • 00:55:15
    in a private room at work it's
  • 00:55:17
    incredibly convenient and it's suited to
  • 00:55:19
    fit your schedule you just fill out a
  • 00:55:21
    brief survey about your values and
  • 00:55:23
    preferences and you can get match with a
  • 00:55:25
    therapist and you can change a therapist
  • 00:55:26
    at any time for no extra charge let's
  • 00:55:29
    invest in learning about ourselves this
  • 00:55:31
    year and let's regain our sense of
  • 00:55:33
    wonder and excitement for our one wild
  • 00:55:36
    and amazing life visit betterhelp.com
  • 00:55:39
    deloney today to get 10% off your first
  • 00:55:41
    month that's better help
  • 00:55:45
    hp.com
  • 00:55:47
    delone an average person on average day
  • 00:55:50
    hears there is an problem out there that
  • 00:55:54
    either you caused or that somebody C to
  • 00:55:56
    you and you can't do anything about it
  • 00:55:58
    you're not you're not good enough strong
  • 00:56:00
    enough smart enough we're going to Pat
  • 00:56:02
    you on the head and you go over in the
  • 00:56:03
    corner and just tap me in and I'll go
  • 00:56:07
    solve your problem for you whether
  • 00:56:09
    that's uh it's across all all fields and
  • 00:56:12
    the word that keeps I feel like it's
  • 00:56:13
    being taken out of everything is the
  • 00:56:16
    word
  • 00:56:17
    choose and I go back to this
  • 00:56:19
    conversation my wife and I um this seven
  • 00:56:22
    or eight years ago we sat across the
  • 00:56:23
    table and just said we're going to be
  • 00:56:24
    adults are we done is our marriage over
  • 00:56:27
    what the way we've been married cannot
  • 00:56:29
    continue right is that's over are we GNA
  • 00:56:32
    stay married and both of us said I
  • 00:56:34
    choose
  • 00:56:36
    in and it was my wife that first put
  • 00:56:39
    this on the table we've chosen together
  • 00:56:42
    a miserable marriage which is which
  • 00:56:45
    stinks but that also means we can choose
  • 00:56:48
    a pretty incredible one right that's a
  • 00:56:50
    that's a decision we you probably oozed
  • 00:56:51
    into a miserable marriage we did we did
  • 00:56:53
    yeah but it was a million tiny little
  • 00:56:55
    choices but the oozing is made up of a
  • 00:56:58
    whole bunch of little decisions that
  • 00:57:01
    consciously or unconsciously you just
  • 00:57:02
    keep doing and you just do the next
  • 00:57:04
    thing and unintentionally yeah you land
  • 00:57:07
    in this and so I keep going back to this
  • 00:57:10
    idea of choice and you write about this
  • 00:57:13
    and strength Str and I think it's
  • 00:57:15
    phenomenal but you make what I think is
  • 00:57:17
    the ultimate countercultural argument
  • 00:57:19
    right now which is
  • 00:57:22
    happy this elusive drug that we're all
  • 00:57:25
    chasing called
  • 00:57:26
    culturally there a series of
  • 00:57:29
    choices and I go back to sitting with
  • 00:57:33
    people who lost children who've lost
  • 00:57:35
    their like lost everything who've been
  • 00:57:38
    margin whatever the marginalization
  • 00:57:39
    whatever it is and we always land on the
  • 00:57:41
    same question what are you going to do
  • 00:57:43
    now what are we going to do now we have
  • 00:57:45
    an enormous amount of power um it's not
  • 00:57:48
    unlimited as you say it's bound and we
  • 00:57:50
    have and we have different and we have
  • 00:57:52
    different circumstances I mean some
  • 00:57:53
    people have much harder lives than I do
  • 00:57:55
    and and one of the things that we that
  • 00:57:57
    we use to shut each other down is you
  • 00:58:00
    you know you're talking from a position
  • 00:58:01
    of privilege that's right right you
  • 00:58:03
    can't understand what I'm going through
  • 00:58:04
    because of whatever your characteristics
  • 00:58:07
    are fill in the blank for sure but
  • 00:58:08
    that's that's just a way to shut down
  • 00:58:10
    the debate that's a way to make it
  • 00:58:11
    impossible for people to for people to
  • 00:58:13
    be empowered and and the reason for that
  • 00:58:14
    is because the victim industrial complex
  • 00:58:16
    is being manipulated by people that want
  • 00:58:18
    to conscript us into a culture War by
  • 00:58:20
    enraging us right by the fact that we
  • 00:58:23
    have no power is it that intentional
  • 00:58:25
    yeah well I mean that's how all activism
  • 00:58:28
    works right that's how it works and and
  • 00:58:31
    I'm like I'm not anti- activism per se
  • 00:58:34
    but I understand how it works as a
  • 00:58:35
    social scientist which is that we you
  • 00:58:38
    link people together on on the in in in
  • 00:58:41
    their shared sense of victimization but
  • 00:58:44
    that but that underneath that is a
  • 00:58:45
    padding on the head you'll never be able
  • 00:58:47
    to do this yeah or you need me or we
  • 00:58:50
    need some outside circumstance to change
  • 00:58:52
    and so and and again sometimes we should
  • 00:58:54
    work first change we should work work
  • 00:58:56
    for greater Justice no don't get me
  • 00:58:57
    wrong but the truth of the matter
  • 00:59:00
    is you have one life and if you're
  • 00:59:03
    waiting for the outside world to change
  • 00:59:05
    for you to get happier you're going to
  • 00:59:07
    be in trouble right you know and I talk
  • 00:59:10
    to people all day long and so do you I
  • 00:59:11
    mean you talk to them on the radio all
  • 00:59:13
    day long they're like I don't know Dr
  • 00:59:15
    deloney I don't think I can be happy
  • 00:59:17
    until my husband does X Y and Z right I
  • 00:59:20
    don't think I can be happy until I get a
  • 00:59:21
    raise at work I don't think I can be
  • 00:59:24
    happy until my health improves right
  • 00:59:26
    okay um I understand those outside
  • 00:59:29
    circumstances let's work for those
  • 00:59:30
    outside circumstances but the majority
  • 00:59:32
    of your time the big bulk of your time
  • 00:59:34
    should be dedicated to managing what you
  • 00:59:36
    can manage which is you and when people
  • 00:59:39
    cross that Rubicon when people realize
  • 00:59:41
    that for the first time their life
  • 00:59:42
    changes literally yeah they it starts
  • 00:59:45
    and you know I I opened this book that I
  • 00:59:48
    wrote last year Oprah Winfrey and I
  • 00:59:49
    wrote a book called build the life you
  • 00:59:51
    want which is about how to get happy
  • 00:59:52
    you're not get happy because you know no
  • 00:59:54
    negative emotions you're dead there's no
  • 00:59:56
    Finish Line yeah yeah and and and you
  • 00:59:58
    know you and I believe that you will be
  • 01:00:00
    happy just not here so but the point
  • 01:00:04
    being you can get happier and the way
  • 01:00:05
    that you do that is by no longer looking
  • 01:00:08
    at your outside circumstances as the
  • 01:00:10
    source of your of where you should be
  • 01:00:13
    focusing your energy I started the book
  • 01:00:15
    by talking about my mother-in-law I
  • 01:00:16
    loved my mother-in-law I was very close
  • 01:00:17
    to my mother-in-law I was closer to my
  • 01:00:19
    mother-in-law than than I was to my to
  • 01:00:20
    my to my mother for for all sorts of
  • 01:00:23
    reasons I saw her more I talked to her
  • 01:00:24
    more she loved me too
  • 01:00:26
    yeah she liked me I loved her anyway and
  • 01:00:29
    she had a really tough life she grew up
  • 01:00:32
    in the Spanish Civil War um that wasn't
  • 01:00:34
    the hard part on the contrary she has
  • 01:00:36
    happy memories of a family that was
  • 01:00:37
    close Etc the problem was after the
  • 01:00:40
    Spanish Civil War she fell in love with
  • 01:00:41
    a guy married the guy and he wasn't a
  • 01:00:43
    good husband and and and he was I mean
  • 01:00:46
    he was running around all the time he
  • 01:00:48
    was a he was a Spanish husband in that
  • 01:00:51
    in that period and they they cheated a
  • 01:00:52
    lot and it broke her heart and then he
  • 01:00:54
    finally took off with a woman who was
  • 01:00:57
    the same age as her oldest son and and
  • 01:01:00
    didn't pay child support so my wife grew
  • 01:01:02
    up in poverty with a single mother and
  • 01:01:04
    sometimes the lights would go off and it
  • 01:01:05
    was a bad situation and my to top it all
  • 01:01:08
    off my mother-in-law was still in love
  • 01:01:09
    with her ex-husband and she would see
  • 01:01:11
    him coming to work because the apartment
  • 01:01:13
    they lived in Barcelona was across the
  • 01:01:14
    street from the factory that he that he
  • 01:01:16
    managed yikes and she would see him
  • 01:01:18
    coming to work every day coming to work
  • 01:01:20
    you know from you know taking the subway
  • 01:01:21
    into work from the place where he lived
  • 01:01:23
    with the other woman and had had a son
  • 01:01:25
    and the whole thing and and she would
  • 01:01:27
    sit at the window and cry and one day
  • 01:01:30
    she had this this like the scales fell
  • 01:01:33
    from her eyes she realized that she
  • 01:01:36
    could rebuild her own life
  • 01:01:38
    notwithstanding the fact that that thing
  • 01:01:42
    that thing was breaking her heart and
  • 01:01:44
    she said look I have tons of control
  • 01:01:47
    here and so she went back to school she
  • 01:01:50
    got her teaching certificate she started
  • 01:01:52
    to support her family she got her own
  • 01:01:54
    friends she rebuilt her own faith she
  • 01:01:57
    built her life on her own terms and when
  • 01:01:58
    I met her at 59 she was 59 years old and
  • 01:02:01
    she had been doing this for 10 years she
  • 01:02:03
    was just like gangster yeah yeah and she
  • 01:02:05
    had let the guy come home by then so he
  • 01:02:09
    you know that like his much younger old
  • 01:02:11
    lady had tossed him because you know
  • 01:02:14
    like you know live by the sword Die By
  • 01:02:15
    The Sword right right and uh and he
  • 01:02:17
    wants to come home and she's like yeah
  • 01:02:20
    but it's not going to be the same
  • 01:02:21
    anymore it's my house now it's my house
  • 01:02:22
    now and and they had and so I I used to
  • 01:02:25
    say to her which she used to say to me
  • 01:02:27
    yeah I've been married I've been married
  • 01:02:29
    60 years 46 happy years 14 of them he
  • 01:02:32
    was gone it was no good and when he came
  • 01:02:34
    back we did it the right way we did it
  • 01:02:37
    the right way and they died happy they
  • 01:02:39
    died happy because she had rebuilt her
  • 01:02:42
    life not because she had got the
  • 01:02:43
    marriage that she wanted that outside
  • 01:02:46
    circumstance was not perfect and she
  • 01:02:47
    couldn't turn back the clock and she
  • 01:02:48
    could not erase the past she could she
  • 01:02:50
    could choose what happened the next
  • 01:02:52
    minute she rebuilt her life and she was
  • 01:02:53
    she made herself into a different person
  • 01:02:55
    that's the reason old and I called the
  • 01:02:56
    book build the life you want build your
  • 01:02:58
    life that's what it comes down to don't
  • 01:03:00
    build the outside world that's very
  • 01:03:01
    inefficient right that's like saying
  • 01:03:02
    yeah I don't know I got these tires on
  • 01:03:05
    my car that keep popping on the road so
  • 01:03:07
    I need a big rubber road that doesn't
  • 01:03:09
    pop the tires on my car yeah it's not
  • 01:03:11
    reality no it's not it's not that to
  • 01:03:15
    that to me feels like the missing
  • 01:03:16
    ingredient which is agency which is one
  • 01:03:17
    of the core the core foundations of
  • 01:03:20
    mental health they call it self efficacy
  • 01:03:22
    in our in our world right but what it
  • 01:03:24
    comes down to is is understand ra it's
  • 01:03:26
    been taken completely completely and and
  • 01:03:27
    it's been look sometimes it's
  • 01:03:29
    intentional the activism complex in our
  • 01:03:32
    country wants you not to feel agency
  • 01:03:35
    they don't want that they want they want
  • 01:03:37
    to be your savior they want to be your
  • 01:03:39
    savior and that's a huge problem I guess
  • 01:03:41
    I both have to grieve because I
  • 01:03:42
    participated in that for so long and
  • 01:03:45
    also I realize I Rob people like I think
  • 01:03:48
    as a culture we rob people we do and
  • 01:03:50
    this there another thing there a side
  • 01:03:52
    note however there are some things that
  • 01:03:55
    are out your control and and the PHD in
  • 01:03:58
    in delone studies if I may yeah is
  • 01:04:02
    learning not just to take agency over
  • 01:04:04
    the things over which you can have
  • 01:04:06
    agency which is more than you think it's
  • 01:04:08
    also abandoning yourself to the holy
  • 01:04:10
    will that's right that's really what
  • 01:04:13
    it's all about right I mean there's a St
  • 01:04:14
    alonsus Lori wrote a book called The
  • 01:04:16
    abandonment to the will to the will of
  • 01:04:17
    God right and again if if you're
  • 01:04:20
    Christian like you or me it's easier
  • 01:04:23
    right but there is a supernatural
  • 01:04:26
    metaphysical will to which you can't
  • 01:04:27
    abandon yourself which has this
  • 01:04:29
    incredible level of comfort yeah that
  • 01:04:31
    for everybody everybody you know it's
  • 01:04:33
    funny because you know my kids are older
  • 01:04:35
    than yours but and my kids are all
  • 01:04:37
    growing up and they have kids at this
  • 01:04:38
    point they're in the 20s at this point
  • 01:04:40
    but you know they got married young
  • 01:04:41
    started having kids young thank God
  • 01:04:43
    because you know I'm selfish and I like
  • 01:04:45
    being a
  • 01:04:46
    grandad but you know when one of my kids
  • 01:04:49
    was in high school and was just a
  • 01:04:51
    problem and we were worried I mean we
  • 01:04:54
    were really worried like what where's
  • 01:04:55
    this going to go what does this mean you
  • 01:04:57
    know what what it you know what kind of
  • 01:04:59
    Crisis is this going to turn into right
  • 01:05:01
    and finally my wife she adopted a
  • 01:05:05
    prayer and and and you can people who
  • 01:05:08
    are not religious can adapt this as they
  • 01:05:11
    see fit she used to say Lord my son's
  • 01:05:14
    name is Carlos Lord you have a problem
  • 01:05:17
    with Carlos how can I help oh man wow it
  • 01:05:23
    was very reassuring yeah
  • 01:05:26
    because you know look there's some
  • 01:05:27
    things that are control
  • 01:05:30
    yeah and some of this is out of my
  • 01:05:32
    control now this is important for
  • 01:05:34
    parents because religious or not you
  • 01:05:38
    can't live their lives no you cannot and
  • 01:05:40
    to a certain extent you got to let go
  • 01:05:44
    and not completely because you're going
  • 01:05:45
    to help them whenever and and and you
  • 01:05:47
    are the safety net to the extent that
  • 01:05:48
    you can be but but you can't live their
  • 01:05:50
    lives you can't feel their
  • 01:05:52
    emotions and you know that faith is
  • 01:05:54
    really super helpful in this but just
  • 01:05:56
    the abandonment to the cosmic will in it
  • 01:05:59
    of itself can give you this Freedom yeah
  • 01:06:02
    that you couldn't have otherwise I had a
  • 01:06:03
    grad school professor and she said if
  • 01:06:05
    you're in this
  • 01:06:06
    class you can do gymnastics with words
  • 01:06:09
    you all of you can so you're not going
  • 01:06:12
    to write down your vision or your or
  • 01:06:15
    your your passion or what she said I
  • 01:06:18
    just want you to draw a picture of why
  • 01:06:19
    you're here I like that's stupid we're
  • 01:06:22
    all adults I was wearing a suit I just
  • 01:06:24
    come from my day job and I'm here
  • 01:06:26
    this is dumb um and I mold it and mold
  • 01:06:28
    it and mold it and at the end here was
  • 01:06:32
    my picture and it was a crudely drawn
  • 01:06:34
    thing I wish I'd saved it but it was me
  • 01:06:36
    sitting on a curb with a cigarette
  • 01:06:39
    lighter and somebody else leaning over
  • 01:06:41
    with their cigarette and everything was
  • 01:06:43
    on fire behind them and I didn't have
  • 01:06:45
    words
  • 01:06:46
    for I'll just sit with you and I
  • 01:06:49
    remembered back to being 16 working my
  • 01:06:51
    first job at Burger King and I learned
  • 01:06:54
    real quick dude you you can just like
  • 01:06:55
    make somebody's day if you just like
  • 01:06:57
    stop that fog and you say hey how are
  • 01:06:59
    you and they click on like I'm good how
  • 01:07:02
    are you you know what I mean yeah I'll
  • 01:07:04
    just sit with you or when you're sitting
  • 01:07:06
    with somebody who just lost everything
  • 01:07:07
    and like I'll sit here but it was that
  • 01:07:10
    I'm going to surrender this right to
  • 01:07:12
    this job title or to this amount of
  • 01:07:13
    money and to the and I got to tell you
  • 01:07:16
    man everything has shifted since that
  • 01:07:18
    yeah very helpful and there's one point
  • 01:07:20
    to turn that around to turn that Matrix
  • 01:07:22
    even one more Notch when you're talking
  • 01:07:25
    when you have when you're in the process
  • 01:07:28
    of grief when you're in the process of
  • 01:07:30
    loss at the very beginning you need
  • 01:07:32
    somebody who will sit with you who will
  • 01:07:34
    simply love you to be sure that's right
  • 01:07:36
    but the process of grief actually turns
  • 01:07:38
    into the process of healing when you do
  • 01:07:40
    one big thing which is when you become
  • 01:07:42
    the person who's sitting with somebody
  • 01:07:44
    else that's it you want to heal go heal
  • 01:07:47
    somebody that's right go love somebody
  • 01:07:49
    that's the key thing yeah yes this the
  • 01:07:50
    funny thing because you know thank God
  • 01:07:52
    I've never lost a child right come close
  • 01:07:55
    um but one of the things that you see
  • 01:07:57
    because I've worked with people who have
  • 01:07:59
    lost children and and again this is this
  • 01:08:01
    is not I mean you lose a spouse you you
  • 01:08:03
    lose a parent that sad but it feels
  • 01:08:05
    natural you lose supposed to you lose a
  • 01:08:07
    spouse and it's really real real grief
  • 01:08:09
    but you you sign up for that right I
  • 01:08:12
    mean it's like when we're men we're
  • 01:08:14
    actually signing up for being the one
  • 01:08:15
    who dies
  • 01:08:17
    first everybody assumes that right um
  • 01:08:20
    and that's hard but losing a child is a
  • 01:08:23
    different kettle of fish it's out of
  • 01:08:24
    order it's out of order and it's you
  • 01:08:26
    can't justify it and it's not fair and
  • 01:08:28
    it doesn't feel right but one of the
  • 01:08:29
    ways that people actually instigate the
  • 01:08:31
    process of healing who have lost
  • 01:08:33
    children is they start to try to help
  • 01:08:35
    people who have lost children more and
  • 01:08:38
    and and the experience is fresher than
  • 01:08:39
    theirs yeah and to say this is going to
  • 01:08:41
    happen and this is going to happen yeah
  • 01:08:44
    and this is going to hurt and let me
  • 01:08:46
    tell you what the pain turns
  • 01:08:47
    into let me tell you the pain gets
  • 01:08:50
    better yeah yeah I it's not perfect it's
  • 01:08:51
    bad I wake up and I cry a lot etc etc
  • 01:08:53
    the people say but but I'll be here but
  • 01:08:55
    it's not the same it's not the same it's
  • 01:08:57
    gonna it's going to be better than it is
  • 01:08:59
    right now and that process of helping
  • 01:09:02
    somebody else is is really one of the
  • 01:09:05
    most metaphysical truths that we can
  • 01:09:06
    find see Mother Nature wants you to only
  • 01:09:08
    focus on yourself and your pain because
  • 01:09:11
    Mother Nature doesn't care if you're
  • 01:09:12
    happy right Mother Nature just wants you
  • 01:09:13
    to live another day pass on your jeans
  • 01:09:15
    and pay attention to the Psycho Drama
  • 01:09:17
    and you're the star in it right I mean
  • 01:09:18
    literally your dreams at night you're
  • 01:09:21
    the star of every single Dream It's just
  • 01:09:23
    terrible it's tedious and boring and
  • 01:09:25
    terrifying all you can turn the tables
  • 01:09:28
    on that and get happier by zooming out
  • 01:09:30
    on you by becoming little and making the
  • 01:09:33
    universe large and the best way that you
  • 01:09:35
    can do go do that is to go love somebody
  • 01:09:36
    to go serve somebody to go help somebody
  • 01:09:39
    and in your moments of greatest pain
  • 01:09:42
    when you do that you get the weirdest
  • 01:09:45
    most immediate relief it's like somebody
  • 01:09:48
    takes the weight off the bar it's
  • 01:09:49
    incredible yeah it's incredible somebody
  • 01:09:52
    asked me last night doing a Q&A in they
  • 01:09:55
    had gone through a series of loss and
  • 01:09:57
    pregnancy losses and and that was the
  • 01:09:59
    question and I actually think it's a
  • 01:10:01
    curse now because we live um and and it
  • 01:10:05
    won't last forever because it can't it
  • 01:10:07
    can't hold the center can't hold
  • 01:10:09
    but
  • 01:10:10
    um how the question was how do we move
  • 01:10:14
    on how do we heal but the question was
  • 01:10:16
    more geared towards like how do we start
  • 01:10:18
    a podcast about this or how do we turn
  • 01:10:19
    it into a core son and that's my answer
  • 01:10:22
    was you don't like you can't I got
  • 01:10:24
    struck by lightning that's not going to
  • 01:10:26
    happen can you sit with somebody who
  • 01:10:28
    also lost a kid because that's when
  • 01:10:30
    you'll never um you'll never make sense
  • 01:10:33
    of it but there's a strange Redemption a
  • 01:10:36
    flower will grow from that soil right
  • 01:10:38
    and it's not sexy and it's not on TV but
  • 01:10:40
    I'll sit with you yeah right and that
  • 01:10:42
    becomes this weird you leave and it's a
  • 01:10:45
    little lighter and this is why your
  • 01:10:47
    anxiety work is so important yeah
  • 01:10:50
    because you have learned that serving
  • 01:10:52
    other people who are anxious has helped
  • 01:10:54
    you to understand stand and be less
  • 01:10:56
    anxious just get your eyes out your yeah
  • 01:10:57
    yeah I mean this is the secret to
  • 01:10:59
    getting happier is you should be a
  • 01:11:00
    happiness teacher that's the reason I
  • 01:11:03
    teach a class called leadership and
  • 01:11:04
    happiness on the first day of class I
  • 01:11:06
    said I want all of you to join me as
  • 01:11:08
    happiness teachers and I got one
  • 01:11:09
    semester to get that done if you want to
  • 01:11:12
    be happier I don't care how unhappy you
  • 01:11:14
    are I want you to be a happiness teacher
  • 01:11:17
    so if I uh will close with this I get my
  • 01:11:21
    my first job and I'm head of a company
  • 01:11:24
    yeah I finally get hired as the boss
  • 01:11:25
    right or my small little division right
  • 01:11:28
    give me a couple of bullet points that I
  • 01:11:30
    can walk in and say I can I can help
  • 01:11:32
    start making changes in this culture
  • 01:11:34
    yeah to begin with you need to
  • 01:11:36
    understand yourself the number one
  • 01:11:38
    management challenge that you have the
  • 01:11:39
    number one HR issue that you've got is
  • 01:11:42
    you yep that's what it comes down to if
  • 01:11:44
    you cannot lead yourself you cannot lead
  • 01:11:46
    others you cannot be a happiness teacher
  • 01:11:48
    unless you're actually understanding
  • 01:11:50
    yourself as much as you possibly can put
  • 01:11:53
    on your own oxygen mask first there's
  • 01:11:55
    nobody in the history of employment who
  • 01:11:57
    wants to work for a miserable SOB right
  • 01:12:00
    nobody wants that by the way that's the
  • 01:12:02
    same thing if if you're the is the firm
  • 01:12:04
    is your family your marriage yeah yeah I
  • 01:12:06
    mean because you know that you're only
  • 01:12:08
    as happy as your unhappiest child that's
  • 01:12:10
    idiocy yeah you should not be as unhappy
  • 01:12:12
    as your unhappiest child you should not
  • 01:12:14
    be because you have a responsibility to
  • 01:12:16
    not be as unhappy as child you cannot do
  • 01:12:19
    that because all you do is you drag
  • 01:12:20
    everybody down under the circumstances
  • 01:12:22
    you have a responsibility to to model
  • 01:12:25
    process of becoming a happier person
  • 01:12:26
    because that's the gift you want to give
  • 01:12:28
    your children that's narcissistic for
  • 01:12:30
    you to be as unhappy as your unhappiest
  • 01:12:31
    child is the way that that actually
  • 01:12:32
    works so that's the first thing to keep
  • 01:12:34
    in mind if you're not serious about your
  • 01:12:37
    happiness you're not serious about
  • 01:12:38
    leadership that's the first thing that
  • 01:12:40
    comes into it the second thing is the
  • 01:12:41
    more that you're actually thinking about
  • 01:12:44
    the happiness of the people around you
  • 01:12:46
    and thinking about lifting people up in
  • 01:12:47
    bonds of happiness and love and using
  • 01:12:50
    your job as a vehicle for that then you
  • 01:12:53
    will actually be on the path to getting
  • 01:12:54
    that done those are the two things to
  • 01:12:57
    remember conversely you will only be
  • 01:13:00
    happy if they perform for you and this
  • 01:13:04
    is a place for you to exercise power
  • 01:13:07
    exactly and that's the modern workplace
  • 01:13:09
    that's often the modern workplace but
  • 01:13:10
    that's not the most successful people
  • 01:13:12
    there are some people who have that who
  • 01:13:13
    are successful in spite of that who are
  • 01:13:16
    that good and that's the sort of the
  • 01:13:18
    tech bro entrepreneur who's like a
  • 01:13:20
    genius has great ideas and there's a
  • 01:13:23
    jerk right and who's selfish and
  • 01:13:25
    narcissistic and makavelian and and but
  • 01:13:28
    does that Center ever hold it doesn't
  • 01:13:30
    and ordinarily those people are so
  • 01:13:32
    miserable that they that they they they
  • 01:13:34
    actually can't sustain that for a very
  • 01:13:36
    long time but some are so brilliant that
  • 01:13:38
    they can get away with it in spite of it
  • 01:13:40
    the mistake that we make is thinking
  • 01:13:41
    that they're successful because of it
  • 01:13:44
    and that's not the case you will always
  • 01:13:45
    be more successful over the long run
  • 01:13:48
    over the course of your life which is
  • 01:13:51
    how you should be thinking about the
  • 01:13:52
    Cadence of your success by actually
  • 01:13:55
    thinking about the these these these
  • 01:13:57
    serious principles of love and happiness
  • 01:13:59
    D that's so good man thanks for your
  • 01:14:00
    time thank you John thank you for your
  • 01:14:02
    work well I mean like uh this is
  • 01:14:04
    important for me because you're one of
  • 01:14:05
    the few people that I look to to like
  • 01:14:08
    when I get stuck or when I need some
  • 01:14:10
    sort of how would Arthur phrase this and
  • 01:14:13
    so I I appreciate your voice out in the
  • 01:14:15
    world and it's got a direct impact on
  • 01:14:18
    you're lifting people up and bringing
  • 01:14:19
    them together I I just happened to cross
  • 01:14:21
    you a long time ago and I think that
  • 01:14:23
    guy's making sense that gu speaking my
  • 01:14:26
    language the the gift here has always
  • 01:14:29
    been like there is the there's the AAS
  • 01:14:33
    and the hubans in the
  • 01:14:35
    world can you talk to this single mom
  • 01:14:37
    with two kids right now right and you're
  • 01:14:39
    superpower if I may yeah you never lie
  • 01:14:43
    yeah yeah and you speak from a position
  • 01:14:45
    of love that's it love without lies yeah
  • 01:14:47
    yeah that's it's kind of a good tagline
  • 01:14:49
    isn't it I I'll I'll take it I'll take
  • 01:14:51
    it I'll take it man it's a blessing
  • 01:14:53
    thank you for honoring us for your time
  • 01:14:55
    oh it's my pleasure thank you awesome
  • 01:14:57
    thank
  • 01:14:58
    you if you've ever seen me speaking on
  • 01:15:01
    stages somewhere across the country or
  • 01:15:03
    if you ever run into me in the airport
  • 01:15:04
    or if you watch me on the show you know
  • 01:15:06
    I wear the same thing almost every
  • 01:15:08
    single day I either wear some black
  • 01:15:11
    T-shirt or I wear the best multi-purpose
  • 01:15:13
    shirts on planet Earth Poncho Poncho
  • 01:15:17
    makes the best outdoor multi-purpose
  • 01:15:20
    performance wear on the planet here's
  • 01:15:22
    the deal I fish in Poncho shirts I do
  • 01:15:25
    yard work and farm chores and Poncho
  • 01:15:27
    shirts I do hunting cleanup and Poncho
  • 01:15:29
    shirts and then I wash and wear those
  • 01:15:31
    same shirts and I go out to concerts I
  • 01:15:33
    wear them to church and I wear them when
  • 01:15:35
    I'm speaking to thousands of people on
  • 01:15:37
    stages across the country I'm wearing
  • 01:15:39
    one right now Poncho clothing is
  • 01:15:42
    lightweight breathable and virtually
  • 01:15:44
    indestructible and I know this because
  • 01:15:46
    I've tried they also have amazing
  • 01:15:48
    flannels and denim shirts for when the
  • 01:15:49
    weather cools down I literally have no
  • 01:15:53
    other shirts with buttons on them in my
  • 01:15:55
    closet I only wear Poncho and I love
  • 01:15:57
    them and I'm confident that you'll love
  • 01:15:59
    them too head over to Poncho
  • 01:16:01
    outdoors.com and try them for yourselves
  • 01:16:04
    use promo code delonia checkout for a
  • 01:16:06
    free hat or T-shirt with your first
  • 01:16:08
    order that's Poncho outdoors.com promo
  • 01:16:12
    code
  • 01:16:13
    delone all right thank you so much for
  • 01:16:16
    hanging with us that was the great just
  • 01:16:19
    amazing Dr Arthur Brooks as I said
  • 01:16:21
    earlier all of the information all of
  • 01:16:23
    his books articles everything is Linked
  • 01:16:25
    In the show notes if you want to learn
  • 01:16:26
    more about how to get in touch with Dr
  • 01:16:28
    Brooks now here's the real challenge
  • 01:16:31
    take what you learned in this episode
  • 01:16:33
    and create a plan for your life for your
  • 01:16:36
    home and then go get after it I Believe
  • 01:16:40
    In You Dr Brooks believes in you and I
  • 01:16:42
    want you to believe in you too thanks
  • 01:16:44
    for joining us we'll be back soon right
  • 01:16:45
    here on the Dr John deloney show
Tags
  • love
  • relationships
  • happiness
  • emotional management
  • companionate love
  • personal agency
  • faith
  • neurochemistry
  • friendship
  • self-improvement